Agent J
Quicklinks
Top Links
main detailsbiographyby votesphoto galleryquotes
Filmographies
by yearby typeby ratingsby votesby TV seriesby genreby keyword
Biographical
biography
Did You Know?
photo galleryquotes

Quotes for
Agent J (Character)
from Men in Black 3 (2012)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
Men in Black 3 (2012)
[from trailer]
Agent J: Who are we?
Agent K: We are no-one. Our mission is to monitor extraterrestrial activity on Earth.

[from trailer]
Agent J: I'm looking for K, have you seen him? Sort of a surly, older gentleman, smiles like this...
[J makes a poker face]
Agent O: K's been dead for over forty years.

[from trailer]
[at the top of the Chrysler Building]
Jeffrey Price: [hands J a device] Here, take this, and all you have to do is jump.
Agent J: You want me to jump?
Jeffrey Price: Time jump!

[a tasered J wakes up in 1969 MIB headquarters]
Agent J: You need to turn the electricity on that damn thing. I can't taste my fricking tongue, K.
Young Agent K: How do you know my name?

[from trailer]
Agent J: I know what you're thinking: MIB, 3-D, we're going to be blowing stuff up and all that. But that's not really what we're doing right now. We're here for one purpose, and for one purpose only: Just to let you know that I'm about to make 3-D look good.

[from trailer]
Agent J: Knuckles, you know you're not supposed to be north of Canal Street!
Hood: Who's Knuckles?
[a graffiti drawing comes to life in front of the hood]
Knuckles: Relax, punk. They're looking for me, not you!
Agent J: Crazy, right? Two grown men talking to the wall, wall talking back? It's a mess. Hey, don't even worry about it.
[flashes the neuralyzer]

Agent K: I promised the secrets of the universe, nothing more.
Agent J: [on phone] Well, what other secrets are there?

[from trailer]
Agent K: There are things out there you don't need to know about.
Agent J: That's not the lie you told me when you recruited me!

[from trailer]
Agent J: All right, pay attention...
[neuralyzes a crowd]
Agent J: Okay. You know how you kids won the goldfish in that little baggy at the school fair, and you didn't want that nasty thing in your house so you flushed it down the toilet? Well, this's what happened...
[points to an alien fish towed away]

[from trailer]
Agent J: [to K] I am getting too old for this. I can only imagine how YOU feel.

Jeffrey Price: This is the real deal. Time-jump gear. Very rare, very old. But first, we gotta get high.
Agent J: Hey. No.
Jeffrey Price: No. No, I mean, really high.
[cut to the top of the Chrysler Building]

[from trailer]
Young Agent K: Okay, future man, where to?
Agent J: First of all, I'm gonna need my gun.
[K gives J a pistol]
Agent J: No no no, space gun!

[from trailer]
Agent J: [at a costume party] Is there anybody here who is NOT an alien?

[from trailer]
Andy Warhol: Dammit K, trying to blow my cover?
Agent J: Whoa, Andy Warhol's one of US?
Andy Warhol: Who's the dumbass?
Agent J: You know, I'd have no problem pimp-slapping the shiznit out of Andy Warhol.

[from trailer]
Young Agent K: [unfolds space bike] They have these in the future?
Agent J: That's what I'm talking about!

Young Agent K: Who are you, and what do you know?
Agent J: I'm an agent of Men in Black, but I'm from the future. We're partners, twenty-five years from now you're going to recruit me. And 14 years after, the guy you DIDN'T let me kill at Coney Island he escapes from prison, and jumps back in the past and unleashes a full-scale invasion of Earth. We have about 19 hours to catch him and kill him, so really we need to go right now!
Young Agent K: [deadpan] All right.

[from trailer]
Agent J: Hey man, heck, how old are you?
Young Agent K: Twenty-nine.
Agent J: You got some city miles on you...

[K handles an old cellphone]
Agent J: That's a big phone. Don't hold it up to your head!

Agent J: [looks at an alien fish] Ooh. You look like you come from the planet... Damn.

Agent J: I was on my way to my girlfriend's house.
Young Agent K: What's your girlfriend's name?
Agent J: Shh...
[pauses, thinking]
Agent J: Darren.
Young Agent K: Schdarren?

[Z's eulogy]
Agent K: I worked for Zed for over 40 years, and in all that time he never invited me to dinner. Heve never asked to me to his house to watch a game. He never shared a single detail of his personal life. Thank you.
Agent O: Thank you, Agent K. That was very moving.
Agent J: That was your eulogy?
Agent K: He was a good man.
Agent O: Ladies, gentlemen, other life forms, when I told the Felucian Zyglot about Zed's passing, she said something that I'm going to repeat. And I'm paraphrasing. Ahem.
[starts screeching in an alien tongue]
Agent O: That's just so Zed.

Griffin: Any future where you succeed, is one where you tell the truth.
Agent J: The TRUTH?

Agent J: You're gonna lose!
Boris The Animal: Let's agree to disagree!

[J is able to rewind time and evade Boris's attack]
Boris The Animal: It's not possible...
Agent J: Let's agree to disagree!
[knocks Boris into a jet blast]
Boris The Animal: [falling] IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!

Young Agent K: You said we don't talk, right? Go ahead, ask me any question. Anything you want, just as long as it doesn't have to do with the case... just let her rip.
Agent J: What's up with you and O?
Young Agent K: Me and O?
Agent J: Yeah, you and O.
Young Agent K: All right, all right... all right, this is it. A while back, I was assigned to keep tabs on a musician, Mick Jagger. He was in this British group, Rolling Stones...
Agent J: Rings a bell.
Young Agent K: We believed he's on the planet to breed with Earth women, so I was in London and that's when I met O. She's smart, funny... great smile and we find ourselves in this pub, Whistler's Bar, warm beer and the worst food you ever ate. We just played darts till the sun came up, neither of us wanted to leave...
Agent J: What the hell happened to you, man?
Young Agent K: I don't know, it hasn't happened yet? Come on, what about you slick? In the future you got yourself a girl?
Agent J: I got you!

Agent J: [to K] Look, man, promise me that if my time comes you will give me a better speech than what you did for Z...

Agent J: [about to time-jump] Hey, how come I can remember K but nobody else does?
Jeffrey Price: Whoa, that means you were there!
Agent J: I was where?
Jeffrey Price: If you survive you got to come back and tell me everything okay?
Agent J: Where was I?
Jeffrey Price: You got to go! Just go, go, go!

[J is held by two 1969 cops]
Agent J: Look man, I have my rights, and I demand to see a lawyer before you press the red button on that device!
[the cops neuralyze themselves]
Agent J: That was a standard grade neuralyzer, but you're not going to remember that. Keep in mind, just because you see a black man driving a car, does not mean he stole it!
[pause]
Agent J: OK, I did steal this one - but not because I'm black.

[about to be neuralyzed]
Agent J: K, if you see Boris tomorrow, kill him! Don't arrest him, just kill him!

Agent J: You know, we been doing some pretty smart stuff over the past day or so, how about we do something stupid? Let's go get some pie!

Griffin: There's no other way for this to work, K has to be the one to go. K is the only one who can save the world.
Agent J: If he does this, is there ANY future where he lives?
Griffin: Yes. But where there is death, there will always be death.

Young Agent K: Look, slick, seeing I live past this, can you tell me whether me and O...?
Agent J: A wise man told me once: don't ask questions you don't want the answer to.
Young Agent K: I said that, didn't I?

Young Agent K: I can see why I recruited you. You're a good man.
Agent J: What the hell happened to you, man?
Young Agent K: I told you, it hasn't happened yet...

Agent J: [looks at a shawarma stall] I can see something wriggling in there!

Agent J: Boris! Boris the Animal!
Boris The Animal: [lunges] IT'S JUST BORIS!

Agent K: Boris the Animal: I blew off his arm and had him imprisoned at Lunamax. Biggest mistake I ever made.
Agent J: Sorry, man. Was he innocent?
Agent K: I should have killed him!

Agent K: You are suspended for two weeks.
Agent J: Bullshit.
Agent K: Four weeks.

Young Agent K: Why don't you come with me to Room 43 for one final enquiry: an eye exam.
Agent J: [at Room 43] That's not an eye exam... that's a big-ass neuralyzer!
Young Agent K: You sure have a lot of information for a fella who doesn't know anything.

Agent O: Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to.
Agent J: It's funny, K said exactly the same thing.
Agent O: He's a very wise man.

[J meets Griffin]
Agent J: How's it going?
Griffin: How's it going? Well, that depends. For me personally, it's good. Things are good. Unless, of course, we're in the possible future where the muscle boy near the door gets into an argument with his girlfriend, which causes her to storm away and bump into the guy carrying the stuffed mushroom, who then dumps the tray onto those sailors on leave and a shoving match breaks out and they crash into the coffee table here. In which case, I gotta move my plate like right now.
[as he speaks, the events he narrates occur]
Griffin: ...or if it's the possible future, in which the pastrami sandwich I'm eating causes me gastric distress. But thankfully your friend, sir, will offer some of the antacids he carries in his right pocket. So I'll be good, I'll be good. Except in the case of the possible future where I have to leave in two and a half minutes, just before he has a chance to offer me the antacids. So, on the whole, I'd have to say, not good. I'm not good.
[J stares at Griffin]
Griffin: But that depends.
Agent J: [looks for his partner] K!

[Griffin shows K and J the future, from his viewpoint]
Agent J: So this is how you see things? This is amazing!
Griffin: It's a gigantic pain in the ass, but it has its moments.

Agent J: My daddy gave me this watch, it was the only thing he ever did as I never saw him while growing up...
Agent K: Don't you disrespect your daddy!

Agent J: Hey, I saw you doing that whole future thing with the Colonel. What did you show him?
Griffin: Only what he needed to know.

Agent J: Hey, ain't you coming?
Griffin: [falling behind] No, I'm done here. J, as soon as K blows Boris's arm off everything will be back to the way it was, K will not remember anything that happened here.
Agent J: I got it: arm blown off, history's reset. Okay, thanks G!
[goes on ahead]
Griffin: [to himself] I can never bear to watch this part...

Agent K: There are things out there you don't need to know about.
Agent J: That's not the lie you told me when you recruited me!
Agent K: I promised the secrets of the universe, nothing more.
Agent J: [on phone] Well, what other secrets are there?
Agent K: Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to.

Agent J: [Neuralizing a crowd of bystanders] Okay, you know how you're on a airplane and the flight attendant asks you to turn your cell phone off? And you're like, "I ain't turning my cell phone off. That ain't have nothing to do with no damn airplane." Well, this is what we get. That's what happens. It gets up there, bounces around on the satellite, then blam! Just turn your damn cell phone off. Now you're gonna drive off a cliff tonight 'cause your GPS don't work.

Agent J: [Neuralizing another crowd of bystanders] Thank you. Okay, you know how your kid won that goldfish in that little baggie from the school fair and you didn't want that nasty thing in your house, so you told your kid it ran away but what you really did was flushed it down the toilet? Well, this is what happens. Okay? Y'know what I'm talking about? Don't lie to your kids.

Agent K: Do you know the most destructive force in the universe?
Agent J: Sugar?
Agent K: Regret.

Agent O: Wait. How long have you been craving chocolatized diary products?
Agent J: Just today.
Agent O: Are you experiencing headaches? Dizziness? Loss of balance?
Agent J: Mm-hm.
Agent O: Agitation? Depression?
Agent J: Hell, yeah.
Agent O: Ah. There are only two possibilities. One is you've been bitten by the Horvatian brain tick and could die in horrible agony at any moment.
[slaps J]
Agent O: [beat] Damn it. It's not the tick.
Agent J: "Damn it, it's not the tick"? It's something worse than the tick?

Jeffrey Price: Do not lose that time device or you will be stuck in 1969! It wasn't the best time for your people. I'm just saying. It's a lot cooler, now.
Agent J: How will I know if it works?
Jeffrey Price: You'll either know or you won't.

Agent J: Can you promise me something, if I go first, you'll do better than that at my funeral? Yeah, something like, uh: "J was a friend. Now there's a big part of me that's gone. Oh, J, all the things I should have said, except I was too old and craggy and surly and just tight. I was too tight. Now, I'm gonna just miss your caramel-brown skin."
Agent K: I'll wing something.

Jeffrey Price: Okay. What's the plan?
Agent J: You're gonna send me back to July 15, 1969.
Jeffrey Price: No, that's a stupid plan because I sent Boris to July 16th.
Agent J: I'm not worried about that one. I'm gonna go back and kill the younger Boris before the older one even shows up.
Jeffrey Price: That way neither of them will even exist. That's why you get to wear the black suit.
[wants to fist bump]
Jeffrey Price: No? You're gonna leave me hanging. Okay. Oh, I just thought of something. You know, even way back then New York was a big-ish city. So I mean, how are you gonna really find him?
Agent J: On July 15th, Boris killed an alien, Roman the Fabulist, at Coney Island.
Jeffrey Price: You're gonna get there first and be waiting for him? Dude, they should give you like two black suits.
Agent J: My man, for real?

Agent J: There's no such thing as time travel.
Agent O: Well, there is.
Agent J: No. There's not. Because if there were, a class-one senior agent such as myself would have been made aware of it, wouldn't he have?
Agent O: Were it not classified and way above his pay grade.
Agent J: You know what? I need a pay raise.

1969 NYPD Cop #1: Where did you get the car?
1969 NYPD Cop #2: And the suit?
Agent J: I stole them both.
Agent J: [to Cop 1] Uh, car from your wife...
Agent J: [to Cop 2] ... suit from your grandmother.

Agent J: [sees Young Agent O] O? No, I call ladies "O." To me O is feminine, and K is masculine. You know, I see a couple, I'm like, "O-K."

Agent J: Damn it! We had him!
Young Agent K: Relax, Cochise. We'll find him.
Agent J: First of all, my name is J, okay? It's not "son," it's not "slick," and it damn sure ain't "Cochise." And I'm not gonna relax 'cause we're running out of time, we're running out of clues and there's an invasion coming. You're not really recognizing my "voicial" intensity. Oh, but there was one guy that could help. Hey, Griffin! Griffin! Where's Griffin? Griffin. Where's Griffin at, K? He's gone. If Boris gets to him before we, that's no bueno.
Young Agent K: We need pie.
Agent J: What?
Young Agent K: My granddaddy always said: "If you got a problem you can't solve, it helps to get out of your head." Pie. It's good.
Agent J: Pie?
Young Agent K: Yeah.
Agent J: Your granddaddy, heavyset man?
Young Agent K: A little bit.
Agent J: Yeah, you know what? We've been doing smart stuff. We've been following clues, doing real police work. It might be time we do something stupid. Something that ain't got nothing to do with nothing. You know what? Now, I want some pie, K. I want some pie. Let's go get some dumb-ass pie.
Young Agent K: Sounds good.

Agent J: Man, I was an agent for three years before I realized that all models were aliens.

Young Agent K: [while pursuing Boris] Hey, slick! In the future, we haven't did the Texas Two-Step?
Agent J: Yes, sir!
[proceeds to distract Boris the Animal]


Men in Black (1997)
Kay: All right... That's confiscated. All of it. And I want you on the next transport off this rock or I'm gonna shoot you where it don't grow back.
Jay: [shaken] Yeah and... and... and I'm gonna be back to talk about them Rolexes.

Kay: All right, Beatrice, there was no alien. The flash of light you saw in the sky was not a UFO. Swamp gas from a weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket and reflected the light from Venus.
Jay: Wait a minute. You just flash that thing, it erases her memory, and you just make up a new one?
Kay: A standard issue neuralyzer.
Jay: And that weak-ass story's the best you can come up with?
Kay: On a more personal note Beatrice, Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend. You're gonna go stay with your mom a couple nights. You're gonna get over it and decide you're better off.
Jay: Well, yeah, you know, 'cause 'cause he never appreciated you anyway. In fact, you know what - you kicked HIM out! And now that he's gone you're gonna go into town, you go to Bloomingdale's and find some nice dresses, get yourself some shoes, you know, find somewhere, maybe you can get a facial. And, uh, oh - hire a decorator to come in here quick, 'cause... DAMN.

Jay: Zed, don't you guys ever get any sleep around here?
Zed: The twins keep us on Centaurian time, standard thirty-seven hour day. Give it a few months. You'll get used to it... or you'll have a psychotic episode.

Kay: Set for pulsar level five, subsonic implosion factor two.
Jay: What?
Kay: Just shoot the damn thing on the count of three!

Kay: All right, kid, here's the deal. At any given time there are approximately 1500 aliens on the planet, most of them right here in Manhattan. And most of them are decent enough, they're just trying to make a living.
Jay: Cab drivers?
Kay: Not as many as you'd think.

Kay: Arquillian battle rules, kid: first we get an ultimatum, then a warning shot, then we have a galactic standard week to respond.
Jay: A galactic standard week? How the hell long is that?
Kay: One hour.
Jay: One hour... then what?
[the message translation flashes across the screen: "MIB, DELIVER THE GALAXY OR EARTH WILL BE DESTROYED."]
Jay: Oh, now that's bullshit.
[the message adds, "SORRY." The countdown begins]

Jay: There's only one way off this planet, baby, and that's through me.
[the bug kicks Jay aside]

Jay: Did you ever flashy-thing me?
Kay: No.
Jay: I ain't playing with you, K. Did you ever flashy-thing me?
Kay: No.

[last lines]
Elle: Hey, Jay! Zed called. The high consulate from Solaxiant 9 wants floor seats for the next Bulls game.
Jay: All right, let's put in a call to Dennis Rodman. He's from that planet.
Elle: Rodman? You're kidding.
Jay: Nope.
Elle: Not much of a disguise.

Jay: [suited up] You know what the difference is between you and me? I make this look GOOD.

[J has just jumped from a bridge onto a tour bus]
Jay: [to startled passengers] It just be raining black people in New York!

Kay: Not bad for your second day of work, is it?
Jay: This definitely rates about a 9.0 on my weird-shit-o-meter.
Kay: You should've been here for the Zeronian migration in 1968.

Kay: [looking skywards] They're beautiful, aren't they?
Jay: What?
Kay: The stars.
Jay: K, you're frightening your partner...
Kay: I haven't been looking for a partner. I've been looking for a replacement.
Jay: K, I can NOT do this by myself, all right?
Dr. Weaver: Hey, guys, can you drop me off home? My apartment isn't in this area...
Kay: I've just been down the gullet of an interstellar cockroach. That's one of a hundred memories I don't want.

Jay: Unlimited technology from the whole universe, and we cruise 'round in a Ford P.O.S.

Kay: See ya around, Jay.
Jay: No, you won't.

Jay: [stepping on some cockroaches] Oh, I'm sorry. Was that your auntie? Then that must be your uncle over there!

Kay: We do not discharge our weapons in view of the public!
Jay: Man, we ain't got time for this cover-up bullshit! I don't know whether or not you've forgotten, but there's an Arquillian Battle Cruiser that's about to...
Kay: There's always an Arquillian Battle Cruiser, or a Corillian Death Ray, or an intergalactic plague that is about to wipe out all life on this miserable little planet, and the only way these people can get on with their happy lives is that they DO NOT KNOW ABOUT IT!

Kay: [cocks gun] Roaches check in...
Jay: [cocks gun] ... But they don't check out.

Zed: Kay, give the kid a weapon.
[Kay opens a chest filled with intergalactic guns. He picks up a large rifle]
Kay: A Series Four De-atomizer.
Jay: That's what I'm talkin' about.
Kay: [picks up a very tiny gun and gives it to Jay] Noisy Cricket.
Jay: [stares the weapon in disgust] Hey, Kay, nah, nah. Come on, man, you-you get a Series Four De-atomizer and I-I get a little - little midgy cricket?
Kay: [notices Jay is pointing the gun in his direction] WHOA! kid...
[grabs the arm Jay is holding the weapon with and points it away from him]
Jay: Feel like I'm gonna break this damn thing...!

Jay: You know what they say. It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Kay: Try it.

Jay: All right, I'm in. 'Cause there's some next level shit going on and I'm OK with that. But before y'all go beaming me up there's one thing you gotta remember: You chose me... so you recognized the skills, so I don't want nobody calling me son or kid or sport or nothing like that, cool?
Kay: Cool, whatever you say, slick, but I need to tell you something about all your skills. As of right now, they mean precisely... dick.

[Jay and Kay meet a strange-looking man holding a dog on a leash]
Jay: Now that's the worst disguise ever. That guy's gotta be an alien.
Frank the Pug: You don't like it, you can kiss my furry little butt!

Kay: I don't suppose you know what kind of alien life form leaves a green spectral trail and craves sugar water, do you?
Jay: Uh, wait, that was on "Final Jeopardy!" last night. Damn, Alex said...
Kay: [opening his cell phone] Zed, we have a bug.

Kay: Keep him on THIS planet!
Jay: Kay, where are you going?
Kay: I'm going to get my gun back.

Jay: What branch of the government do we report to?
Kay: None, they ask too many questions.
Jay: So who pays for all this?
Kay: We hold patents on a few gadgets we confiscated from the visitors. Velcro, microwave ovens, liposuction. This is a fascinating little gadget. It'll replace CDs soon. Guess I'll have to buy the 'White Album' again.
Jay: That's fun.
Kay: It's a universal translator. We're not even supposed to have it. I'll tell you why. Human thought is so primitive it's looked upon as an infectious disease in some of the better galaxies. That kind of makes you proud, doesn't it?

[after delivering a squid-like alien baby]
Jay: You know it's actually kinda...
[baby throws up on him]
Jay: ...cute.

Kay: You're nothing but a smear on the Sports page to me, you slimy, ugly, intestinal parasite! Eat me! Eat me!
[the Bug swallows Kay whole]
Jay: Kay! Kay!

[Jay notices the bug driving away]
Jay: Kay...
[raising his gun]
Jay: Get down!
[Kay ducks. Jay shoots and the glass window shatters, the mailbox explodes and Jay is thrown against the wall behind him]
Jay: Whooo...

Jay: [to Bug] Oh, you have so got to die!

[after Kay informs Zed that they have a bug]
Jay: And what, we don't like bugs?
Kay: Bugs thrive on carnage, Tiger. They consume, infest, destroy, live off the death and destruction of other species.
Jay: You were stung as a child, weren't you?
Kay: Imagine a giant cockroach, with unlimited strength, a massive inferiority complex, and a real short temper, is tear-assing around Manhattan Island in a brand-new Edgar suit. That sound like fun?

Kay: [at newsstand] We'll check the hot sheets.
Jay: *These* are the hot sheets?
Kay: Best investigative reporting on the planet. Read the New York Times if you want, they get lucky sometimes.
Jay: I cannot believe you're looking for tips in the supermarket tabloids.
Kay: [front-age article about farmer's stolen skin] Not looking for. Found.

Kay: So what do you think?
Jay: Whew! Very interesting. She got a whole "queen of the undead" thing going on...
Kay: What about the body?
Jay: Great body...
Kay: The DEAD body.

Jay: HEY, OLD GUYS! Do those still work?
[points at the ships on the towers at Flushing Meadows]

[the alien perp is on top of a building running away from Jay. He opens up a door and sees Jay pointing his gun at him]
Jay: What's up?
Perp: He's coming because I failed and now he'll kill me, too.
Jay: Yeah, well you just pissing everybody off today, huh?
Perp: You don't understand. Your world's gonna end.
[He blinks with his eyeballs]
Jay: What the hell are you?
[the perp is on the edge of the building]
Jay: Hey, watch that ledge. Watch the ledge. Look, come on down and we'll get those eyes fixed. Don't even worry about it. Let me talk to you. Hey, hey!
[the perp raises his arms, falls off the building and lands on the sidewalk]

NYPD Sergeant at Edwards ' Interrogation: Edwards, if you were half the man that I am...
Jay: Hey man, what are you talking about? I AM half the man that you are!

[from trailer]
Kay: We are the best kept secret in the galaxy. We monitor, licence and police all alien activity on the Earth. We're your first, last, and only line of defense. We live in secret, we exist in shadow.
Jay: And we dress in black.

Kay: Searching for a handle on the moment? I can't help you. The only comfort I can offer... is my promise that tomorrow morning you won't remember a thing.
Jay: [about to be neuralyzed] That's not exactly some shit you just forget...

Jay: All we gotta do is go in here and get a cat. It's not that hard. But if you go in there, you're gonna lay your Jack Webb on her, start flashing your brain-ray all in her face. You're gonna wind up giving her leukemia or something. Woman's a doctor, she don't need you flashing away half her med school classes. Five minutes.
Kay: Two minutes.

Jay: [blows out] That's right, that's - Ooh! Um, Kay! Oh, damn, man! Hey, uh, something's - Kay! Something's peekin', man!

Jay: I can't believe you lookin' for tips in the supermarket tabloids!
Kay: Not lookin' for. Found.

Kay: Do you remember the little red button?
Jay: [warily] Yeah...
Kay: Push the little red button.
[Jay pushes it]
Kay: And you may want to put on a seatbelt...
[the car flips upside down, sprouts rocket engines and begins riding along the top of the tunnel. Kay is safe because he has a seatbelt on, but Jay is flipped over]
Jay: Kay! Kayyyyy!

Kay: You remember "Casablanca", right?
Jay: Yeah.
Kay: Same thing, just no Nazis.

Jay: Yo, Kay, check it out, when do I get my own little flashy-thing memory-messer-upper?
Kay: When you grow up.
Jay: Hmm, 'kay.
[scratches his forehead with his middle finger]

Jay: Going to get your gun back, huh?
Kay: I like this gun...

[J crushes cockroaches, which enrages Edgar]
Jay: Well, well. Big, bad Bug got a bit of a soft spot, huh? What I can't understand is, why you gotta come down here bringing all this ruckus! Snatching up galaxies and everything. My attitude is: don't start nothing, won't BE nothing!
[Laurel Weaver looks at the two, amazed as Edgar leans close to Jay]
Jay: You better ease up out of my face before something bad happen to you.
[Kay cocks his gun while inside Edgar's stomach]
Jay: Too late.
[He gets blasted into two from inside, Kay falls down next to Jay as they both are covered in slime]

Kay: In the mid-50s the government started an underfunded agency with the simple and laughable purpose of establishing contact with a race not of this planet. Everyone thought the agency was a joke, except the aliens who made contact March 1961, outside New York. There were nine of us that first night. Seven agents, one astronomer,
[MiB photo of himself with an alien]
Kay: and one dumb kid who got lost on the wrong back road.
Jay: Oh, you brought that tall man some flowers.
Kay: This way... They were a group of intergalactic refugees. Wanted Earth for an apolitical zone for creatures without a planet. Did you ever see 'Casablanca?' Same thing, except no Nazis. We agreed and concealed all the evidence of their landing.
Jay: So these are real flying saucers, and the World's Fair was a cover-up for their landing?
Kay: Why else hold it in Queens? More non-humans arrive every year and live among us in secret.
Jay: Look, I'm sorry. Not to change the subject, but when was the last time you had a CAT scan?
Kay: Six months ago. It's company policy.
Jay: Make another appointment.

Jay: [holds up his badge] See that? NYPD, means I will Knock Your Punkass Down!

[K drives a jet-propelled car, while J hangs on screaming]
Kay: You know, you're much too tense. You're a young man. You need to relax, learn to take some joy in your work. Do you like music?
[plays Elvis Presley's "The Promised Land" on the radio]
Kay: That's better.
[mouths along with Elvis, and drives onto the roof of a tunnel]
Jay: Aw shit! Aw damn! K! K!
[K avoids a traffic light and brings the car back to ground level]
Jay: You do know Elvis is dead, right?
Kay: No, Elvis is not dead. He just went home.

Kay: You're under arrest for violating sections 4153 of the Tyco Treaty.
Jay: So hand over whatever galaxy you might be carrying and step away from your busted ass vehicle, and put your hands on your head!

Jay: [Kay is blaring "Promised Land" by Elvis Presley on the car's stereo] You do know Elvis is dead, right?
Kay: No, Elvis is not dead. He just went home.

Frank the Pug: The galaxy is here!
Kay: What do you mean "here?"
Jay: Galaxy's millions of stars and planets. How's it here?
Frank the Pug: You humans! When will you learn size doesn't matter? Just because something's important, doesn't mean it's not very small.

Jay: Well, you know what they say: it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Kay: ...Try it.


"Men in Black: The Series: The Alpha Syndrome (#1.4)" (1997)
Jay: [connected to alien tech] Is this thing safe?
Elle: It's intended for the originator of the memories. It'll either work, or your head will explode.
Elle: You asked.

[last lines]
Jay: [to Z] I got the K part, I got the Alpha part... what was your part in all this?
Zed: Never, ever ask me about my past. Oh, by the way, kid... thanks for sticking with K. It means a lot to him.
Jay: Course I'm sticking with K! You know he'd never admit it, but he needs me.

Jay: You're ignoring Zed's orders? Who's the hot dog here?
[sees the LTD is gone]
Jay: Our wheels! We've been carjacked!
Kay: Sorry, kid. I can't take you on this one.
Jay: What? Why?
Kay: I've already left. Besides, the underwear wrench can't tighten the laughing lumbago...
[melts, and is revealed to be a Quick-Clone]

Alpha: Oh, bad boy!
[stings the heart and drops it]
Jay: You... killed it!
Kay: That was completely unnecessary, Alpha!


"Men in Black: The Series: The Psychic Link Syndrome (#1.9)" (1997)
[referring to Agent K's connection to the Alcidian that bit him]
Jay: So, you're sayin' you and he are like The Corsican Brothers?
Kay: Except we're not brothers, or Spanish. Otherwise, you're exactly right.

[six cops have the Alcidian Forbis at gunpoint on a rooftop in Times Square]
Elle: If they shoot Forbis...
Jay: ...they shoot K!
[Agent K gets between the NYPD and Forbis]
Jay: Stop! Don't fire!
NYPD cop: [via megaphone] Get out of there! This is a restricted... Detective Edwards?
Jay: [haltingly] I've, uh, been workin'... deep cover.
[stunned silence]
Jay: Deep, deep, *deep* cover. This is my collar, and I need him alive.
NYPD cop: [again through megaphone to his men] Hold your fire.
[they lower their guns and Forbis makes a break for the next roof]


"Men in Black: The Series: The Circus Parade Syndrome (#4.8)" (2001)
Jay: Yo, K. Gonna need a little more back-up than we thought...
[Later: Z appears as a ringmaster, the Worms are clowns and L and X are trapeze artists]

Jay: That's for me, and all the other kids you ever freaked out!


"Men in Black: The Series: The Irritable Bow-Wow Syndrome (#1.3)" (1997)
[at a baseball stadium]
Kay: This is my favourite game...
Jay: Baseball?
Kay: No. Spot the Alien.

Jay: So, tell me about yourself...
Kay: What's to tell? I'm your partner. We police aliens on Earth. End of story.


"Men in Black: The Series: The Cold Sweat Syndrome (#3.2)" (1999)
Alpha: You must have nine lives, K. Let's see if you have any left.
[Alpha-Bioship fires repeatedly on the ice below]
Jay: Good thing the guy's a lousy shot!
Kay: He's not aiming at us. Those plasma orbs will melt the ice cap.
Jay: And?
Kay: Flood half the planet.
Alpha: Always so negative, K. Don't you think Nebraska deserves a beachfront?

Alpha: Oh, *K*!
Jay: [gasps]
Alpha: I have a bone to pick with you.


"Men in Black: The Series: The J Is for James Syndrome (#3.14)" (2000)
Jay: [suited up] You know what the difference is between you and me?
Kay: You make this look good?
Jay: How'd you know I was gonna say that?

[last lines]
Jay: All right! Agent J is back in black!


"Men in Black: The Series: The Black Christmas Syndrome (#2.10)" (1998)
Jay: The elves are aliens? So, what's Santa...?
Kay: Let's just say there are things higher than MiB, slick.