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: Look, Gale's no killer. Randy
: Ok, all right then, but if she's not a killer, she's a target.
: When did she start smoking? Randy
: Ever since those nude pictures on the internet. Gale
: It was just my head, it was Jennifer Aniston's body!
: I cannot believe it. They get Tori Spelling to play Sid, and they cast Joe Blow Nobody to play me. At least you get David Schwimmer. I get the guy who drove the stagecoach for one episode of Dr. Quinn!
: Sydney, look, it's Gale Weathers. Sydney
: What? Randy
: Star of the Gale Weathers press conference. Author of the press conference starring Gale Weathers. Soon to be a major motion picture starring Gale Weathers!
: What's your favorite scary movie? Randy
: Showgirls. Absolutely frightening. What's yours?
Film Class Mopey Girl
: So Mr. Originality, how would you make it different? Randy
: I'd let the geek get the girl.
: Why are you even here Randy? You'll never be the leading man. Randy
: Fuck you! Phone Voice
: No matter how hard you try you'll never be the hero and you'll never ever get the girl.
: Oh yeah? We'll lets re-direct the moment Mr. I'm So Original. Where's your motivation? Huh? Why copy yourself off of two high school loser ass dickheads? Stu was a pussy ass wet rag. And Billy Loomis? Billy Loomis, what the fuck? Jesus! Talk about a rat looking homo repressed momma's boy! Why not set your goals higher huh? You wanna be one of the big boys! Huh? Manson, Bundie, O.J, Son of...
: Empire Strikes Back. Better story, improved effects. Randy
: Not a sequel, part of a trilogy, completely planned.
: Mickey, the freaky Tarantino film student. But if he's a suspect, so am I. Lets move on. Dewey
: Wait a minute. Maybe you are a suspect. Randy
: Well if I'm a suspect, you're a suspect. Dewey
: Good point. Ok, let's move on to...
: [from the trailer
] There are certain rules that one must abide by in order to create a successful sequel. Number one: the body count is always bigger. Number two: the death scenes are always much more elaborate - more blood, more gore - *carnage candy*. And number three: never, ever, under any circumstances, assume the killer is dead.
: Typically, serial killers are white male. Randy
: That's why it's perfect! It's sort of against the rules but not really. Mrs. Voorhees was a terrific serial killer, and there's always room for Candyman's daughter. She's sweet, she's deadly, she's bad for your teeth.
: You could say that what happened in that theatre was a direct result of the movie itself. Cici
: That is so Moral Majority. You can't blame real life violence on entertainment. Film Class Guy #1
: Yes you can. Don't you ever watch the news? Film Class Guy #2
: Hello? The murderer was wearing a ghost mask just like in the movie. It's directly responsible. Cici
: No, it's not. Movies are not responsible for our actions. Mickey
: Its a classic case of life, imitating art, imitating life. Film Class Mopey Girl
: Its not hypothetical, it's not about art. I had biology with that girl. This is reality. Randy
: Thank you. I agree with you. Let me tell you about reality, Mickey. I lived through this, okay? Life is life. It doesn't imitate anything. Mickey
: Oh come on Randy, with all due respect, the killer obviously patterned himself after two serial killers who were immortalized on film. Film Class Guy #2
: Thank you! Film Teacher
: So, you're suggesting that someone is trying to make a real life sequel? Randy
: Stab 2? Who would wanna do that? Sequels suck! Oh please, please! By definition alone, sequels are inferior films! Mickey
: It's bullshit generalization. Many sequels have surpassed their originals. Randy
: Oh yeah? Cici
: Name one. Film Class Guy #1
: Aliens. Far better than the first. Cici
: Yeah, well, there's no accounting for taste. Randy
: Thank you. Ridley Scott Rules. Name another. Film Class Guy #2
: No way. Aliens is a classic. "Get away from her, you bitch!" Randy
: I believe the line is "Stay away from her, you bitch." This is a film class right? Film Class Guy #2
: Got you. Whatever. You know what I mean. Randy
: Name another. Mickey
: T-2. Cici
: You got a hard-on for Cameron. Randy
: A big one.
Film Class Guy #1
: No way. The first Terminator is historical. Randy
: Yeah... Sarah Connor. Yes.
] Film Class Guy #2
: Alright, alright. House II: The Second Story.
[class hits him
: The entire horror genre was destroyed by sequels. Mickey
: I got it, by the way. I got it. Godfather Part II. Randy
: [as Marlon Brando
] That's very good. Very good. That's an Oscar winning exception.
: 300 people watched. Nobody did anything. They thought it was a publicity for Christ sakes. Randy
: [Speaking in a British accent humorously
] And it would have been a good one too. Sydney
: It's starting again, Randy. Randy
: It's not. A lot of shit happens at the movies. People get robbed, shot, maimed, murdered. Movie theaters are very dangerous places to be these days. Sydney
] Yeah, and you are in extreme denial. Randy
: You should be too. This has nothing to do with us. Sydney
] Randy! A guy in a ghost mask hacked up two people in a movie theater filming our life story. Randy
: Coincidence? Sydney
: You know what happened at Woodsboro, Randy. You can't ignore it. Randy
: [speaking normally now
] I know, Sid, and I don't want to go back there again. Can't we just go back to our pseudo-quasi happy existence?
[Derek, Sydney's boyfriend catches up with them
: HELLO DEREK, how you doing? Derek
: [kisses Sydney
] Hi Sid, I heard you weren't in class. Sydney
: Yeah I know. I skipped it because I couldn't take the "Death to her" looks. Derek
: Is there anything I could do? Sydney
: Yeah, do you have any tricks for getting back to a pseudo-quasi happy existence? Derek
: [thinking decisively
] You know? I might just have one for that. Randy
: Oh yeah, what is that?
[Derek turns to Sydney, brings her in for a couple romantic kisses while Randy looks away, jealous & embarrassed
] That was pretty good.
[Derek & Sydney walk away
: Get a room.
: Listen up. They found Principal Himbry dead. He was gutted and hung from the goal post on the football field. Drunk teen
: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go over there before they pry him down!
: I wanna see breasts. I wanna see Jamie Lee's breasts. When do we see Jamie Lee's breasts? Randy
: Breasts? Not until "Trading Places" in 1983. Jamie Lee was always a virgin in horror movies. She didn't show her tits 'til she went legits.
: If you were the only suspect in a senseless bloodbath - would you be standing in the horror section?
: As if. Randy
: Oh, really, Alicia?
: Now that Billy tried to mutilate her, do you think Sid would go out with me?
: [when Randy reveals that he's still alive
] Oh, my God. Randy I thought you were dead. Randy
: I probably should be. I never thought I'd be so happy to be a virgin.
: It's the millennium. Motives are incidental.
: There's always some stupid bullshit reason to kill your girlfriend. That's the beauty of it all! Simplicity! Besides, if it gets too complicated, you lose your target audience.
: There are certain RULES that one must abide by in order to successfully survive a horror movie. For instance, number one: you can never have sex.
: BIG NO NO! BIG NO NO! Sex equals death, okay? Number two: you can never drink or do drugs.
[crowd cheers and raises their bottles
: The sin factor! It's a sin. It's an extension of number one. And number three: never, ever, ever under any circumstances say, "I'll be right back." Because you won't be back. Stu
: I'm gettin' another beer, you want one? Randy
: Yeah, sure. Stu
: I'll be right back.
: See, you push the laws and you end up dead. Okay, I'll see you in the kitchen with a knife.
: The police are always off track with this shit! If they'd watch Prom Night, they'd save time! There's a formula to it. A very simple formula!
[yelling in video store
: EVERYBODY'S A SUSPECT!
: [Gale, Sid and Randy are looking at Billy's body
] Careful. This is the moment when the supposedly dead killer comes back to life, for one last scare.
[Billy starts to rise
] Sidney Prescott
: [shoots Billy
] Not in my movie.
: Because there's no way a girl could have killed them. Tatum
: That is so sexist. The killer could easily be female. Basic Instinct. Randy
: That was an ice pick. Not exactly the same thing. Stu
: Yeah, Casey and Steve were completely hollowed out. Takes a man to do something like that. Tatum
: Or a man's mentality.
: I didn't kill anybody. Billy
: Nobody said you did. Stu
: Thanks, buddy! Randy
: Besides... "Takes a MAN to do something like that!" Stu
: I ought to gut your ass in a second, kid. Randy
: [using Jerry Lewis' voice
] Tell me something. Did you really put her liver in the mailbox? Because I heard they found her liver in the mailbox next to her spleen and her pancreas.
: Told ya I'd make a movie someday, huh? Sidney
: Oh my god. Randy
: Well, if you're watching this tape, it means as I feared. I did not survive these killings here at Windsor College. And that giving up my virginity to Karen Kolchec at the video store was probably not a good idea. Dewey
: Karen Kolchec? Randy
: Yes, Karen Kolchec. Dewey
: Creepy Karen? Randy
: Shut up. She's a sweet person, okay? We were working late. We were putting away some videos in the porno section and ya know, shit happens. paul
: [Knocking in background
] Open the door Randy. Randy
: 15 minutes. paul
: It's my room too. Randy
: Paul, 15 minutes. I'm leaving my legacy.
: 15 minutes Paul. Damn! Anyway, the reason I am here is to help you so that my death will not be in vain; That my life's work will save some other poor soul from getting mutilated. If this killer does come back and he's for real, there are a few things that you gotta remember. Is this simply another sequel? Well if it is, same rules apply. But-here's the critical thing-if you find yourself dealing with an unexpected back story and a preponderance of exposition, then the sequel rules DO NOT apply. Because you are not dealing with a sequel, you are dealing with the concluding chapter of a trilogy. Dewey
: Trilogy? Randy
: That's right, it's a rarity in the horror field but it does exist, and it is a force to be reckoned with. Because true trilogies are all about going back to the beginning and discovering something that wasn't true from the get go. Godfather, Jedi, all revealed something that we thought was true that wasn't true. So if it is a trilogy you are dealing with, here are some super trilogy rules: 1. You got a killer who's going to be super human. Stabbing him won't work. Shooting him won't work. Basically in the third one you gotta cryogenically freeze his head, decapitate him, or blow him up. 2. Anyone including the main character can die. This means you Syd. I'm sorry. It's the final chapter. It could be fucking 'Reservoir Dogs' by the time this thing is through. Number 3. The past will come back to bite you in the ass. Whatever you think you know about the past, forget it. The past is not at rest. Any sins you think were committed in the past are about to break out and destroy you. So in closing, let me say good luck, god speed, and for some of you, I'll see you soon. 'Cause the rules say some of you ain't gonna make it. I didn't, not if you're watching this tape.