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: Jesus, the camera, hurry! Kenny
: My name isn't Jesus.
: Look, Kenny, I know you're about fifty pounds overweight, but when I say hurry, please interpret that as, MOVE YOUR FAT TUB OF LARD ASS, NOW!
: If I'm right about this, I could save a man's life. Do you know what that would do for my book sales?
: Okay I think it's going to go something like this, just stay with me. Hi, this is Gale Weathers with an exclusive eyewitness account of this amazing breaking story. Several more local teens are dead, bringing to an end the harrowing mystery of the masked killings that has terrified this peaceful community like the plot of some scary movie. It all began with the scream of a 911, and ended in a bloodbath that has rocked the town of Woodsboro. All played out here in this peaceful farmhouse, far from the crimes and the sirens of the larger cities that its residents have fled. Okay, let's take it back to one. Come on, move it! This is my big shot. Let's go.
: [as Kenny's dead body lies over the windshield
] Oh, God, Kenny. I'm sorry, but get off my fucking windshield!
: Guess I remembered the safety that time, bastard.
: Looks like we've got a serial killer on our hands! Deputy Dwight "Dewey" Riley
: Well, a "serial killer" is not really accurate. Gotta knock off a couple more to get that title. Gale
: Well, we can hope, can't we? I mean, we certainly don't have any leads. Have you located Sidney's father yet? Deputy Dwight "Dewey" Riley
: No, not yet. Gale
: Well, he's not a suspect, is he? Deputy Dwight "Dewey" Riley
: We haven't ruled him out as a possibility.
[He becomes aware that he is gazing too long at her eyes
] Deputy Dwight "Dewey" Riley
: If you'll excuse me.
[Dewey turns away, but Gale pursues and grabs his arm
: I'm sorry, am I keeping you? Deputy Dwight "Dewey" Riley
: [Turning back to her, he removes his hat
] If I may say so, Miss Weathers, you are much prettier in person.
[He gives her a flirty smile and turns away again to run up the school steps
] So you do watch the show!
[Dewey stops and turns back
] Deputy Dwight "Dewey" Riley
: I'm 25. I was 24 for a whole year.
[Gale runs across the school campus to Dewey
: Is there a problem on campus? Deputy Dwight "Dewey" Riley
: No. Everything's under control. Gale
] Well, of course. You're here. Deputy Dwight "Dewey" Riley
: You're not supposed to be here. Gale
: I know. I should be in New York covering the Sharon Stone stalker, but who knew?
: You look awfully young to be a police officer. Deputy Dwight "Dewey" Riley
: I'm 25 years old. Gale
: You know, in a demographic study, I proved to be most popular amongst males 11 to 24. I guess I just missed you.
: Of course, you don't look a day over 12. Except in that...
[She looks him up and down, admiringly
: ... upper torso area. Does the force require you to work out? Deputy Dwight "Dewey" Riley
: [Charmed, despite his common sense:
] No, ma'am. 'Cause of my boyish good looks, muscle mass has increased my acceptance as a serious police officer.
[They smile at each other
: There she is! Sidney, hi, what happened? Are you alright? Tatum
: She's not answering any questions alright. Just leave us alone. Sidney Prescott
: No, no Tatum it's OK. She's just doing her job, right Gale? Gale
: That's right. Sidney Prescott
: So how's the book? Gale
: Oh it'll be out later this year. Sidney Prescott
: Oh, I'll look for it. Gale
: I'll send you a copy.
[Sidney turns around a punches Gale in the face
[Billy and Stu are looking for the gun
: Where the fuck is it? Gale
: [off camera
] Right here, asshole. Billy
: I thought she was dead. Stu
: She looked dead, man. Still does.
: People treat me like I'm the anti-Christ of television journalism.
: Can you tell me anything? Tatum
: Yeah, you're a real pain in the ass!
: Hey, you'd better check your conscience at the door sweetie. I'm not here to be loved.
: Look, local woman! I know you hold me up as your career template and that it gives you some sort of charge to challenge me, but give it a rest.
: So what do you want to do, bonehead? Just sit around and wait to see who drops next? Dewey
: I don't know.
[Gale's phone rings
: When did she start smoking? Randy
: Ever since those nude pictures on the internet. Gale
: It was just my head, it was Jennifer Aniston's body!
: I feel bad Dewey, I feel really bad! I never say that cause I never feel bad about anything, but I feel bad now. Dewey
: Is this just another brilliant Gale Weathers performance? Gale
: There are no cameras here. I just wanna find this fucker! I really do.
: It's happening again, isn't it? Dewey
: You'd love that, wouldn't you? Better hurry Gale, might get scooped.
: So I am heading down to Admissions to do some legwork, you game? Dewey
: I'm not here to write a book Miss Weathers, I'm here to help Syd. Gale
: I wanna help her too, and help myself, of course. Come on Dewey, smile for me once, please! Dewey
: I'll smile when I catch the killer.
: Please Miss Weathers, it would just be such an honor if I could get a quote from you for my story. Gale
: All right. Begin quote. Debbie
: Great. Gale
: Your flattering remarks are both desperate and obvious. End quote!
: [referring to who the killer is
] Mrs. Loomis? Gale
] What? Mickey
: BILLY'S MOTHER!
[Gale turns around and sees Mickey
: Nice twist huh? Didn't see it coming, did you?
: [still shocked
] Jesus. It can't be, I've seen pictures of you. Sydney
: Yeah this is 60 pounds and a lot of work later. Debbie
: [takes off her trench coat
] It's called a makeover. You should try it. Look a little tired yourself there, Gale!
: Look, granted, I should've read your book before I took this job, but I'm reading it now and, whoa! I just read what happened to your last camera man. The guy got gutted. Now I'm gonna do what any rational human being would do and that is to get the fuck outta here. Gale
: First of all, he wasn't gutted; I made that part up... his throat was slashed. Joel
: Gale, gutted, slashed, the guy ain't in the union no more.
[Sidney, Gale and Cotton look at the body of Mrs. Loomis, after being shot down by Cotton
: Is she dead? Sydney
: I don't know. They always come back.
[as if to confirm what Sidney just said, Mickey leaps to his feet screaming, despite his injuries. Gale and Sidney turn to him and spray him with bullets. Mickey is knocked backwards and collapses, dead
[Sidney approaches the body of Mrs. Loomis and shoots at her forehead. The body twitches a bit, then is still again. Gale and Cotton stare at Sidney, shocked
] Just in case.
[Sidney drop the gun and walks away
: Deja voodoo.
: Gale Weathers! Gale
: [says quietly
] Shit. Jennifer
: I know we've never met... and I know you never returned my phone call, but after getting into this project, I feel like I'm in your mind. Gale
: Hmm, that would explain my constant headaches. Jennifer
: You know, I'm sorry things didn't work for 60 minutes II, but Total Entertainment, that's a pretty good fallback. Gale
: Thank you. I'm sorry things didn't work out with Brad Pitt, but being single, that's a good fallback. Jennifer
: Gives me more time for my work. After all, Gale Weathers, you're such a complex character. Gale
: And to be played by an actress with such depth and range...
[Jennifer is studying Gale in order to play her character
: The ruthless ambition, your private self-loathing, and that lost and lonely little girl inside. Gale
: Lost and lonely what? Jennifer
: You heard me. Gale
: Lost and lonely what?
: Hey. It's the real Gale Weathers. Gale
: Real from top to bottom.
: I did write the definitive book on the Woodsboro Murders. Dewey
: And I'm sure you just can't wait to write another one.
: The killer called her. Mark
: When? Gale
: What'd he say? Sidney
: Oh you know the usual small talk. "What's new?" "How you been?" "How do you wanna die?"
: Hey, are you...? Bianca Burnette
: No. Jennifer Jolie
: But you look just... Bianca Burnette
: ...like her? I've been hearing it all my life. Jennifer Jolie
: It's uncanny. Bianca Burnette
] I was up for Princess Leia. I was this close. So, who gets it? The one who sleeps with George Lucas. Gale Weathers
: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring up a sore subject for you. Bianca Burnette
] Sure, you didn't. None of them did. So, how can I help you? Or do you want me to tell you who you look like?
: Jeez! Gale
: What the hell are you doing? Jennifer
: Being Gale Weathers! What are you doing? Gale
: I *am* Gale Weathers! Jennifer
: Here's how I see it. I've got no house, no bodyguard, no movie and I'm being stalked. Because someone wants to kill me? No, because someone wants to kill you. So, now, starting now, I go where you go. So that if someone wants to kill me, I'll be with you and since they really wanna kill you, they won't kill me, they'll kill you, make sense? Gale
] None! Jennifer
: You know in the movies, I play you as being much smarter! Gale
: And as a sane person, for you that must be quite a stretch! Jennifer
: That's funny. Gale
: Ha! Jennifer
: Need to get in that building? Gale
: Yeah! Jennifer
: Is there a story in that building?
[interrupting a moment between Dewey and Gale
] Jennifer Jolie
] What the fuck happened to you? Dwight 'Dewey' Riley
: Jennifer, wait a minute. Jennifer Jolie
: Who gave you a place to stay? Who are you supposed to be protecting? Dwight 'Dewey' Riley
[Jennifer slugs Dewey
] Gale Weathers
[Gale slugs Jennifer
] Jennifer Jolie
: My. Lawyer. Liked. That. Gale Weathers
: Not as much as I did.
: Is he dead?
[as Gale looks at Roman's bloody body
[under the killer's knife
] Gale Weathers-Riley
: Go ahead if you have the guts!
] Gale Weathers-Riley
: Dewey, what's going on? Sheriff Dewey Riley
: That is not public information. Gale Weathers-Riley
: It's all over the Internet! Sheriff Dewey Riley
] It is?
: This... you film your entire high school experience and what, post it on the 'net? Robbie
: Everybody will be doing it some day. Charlie Walker
: It's kind of the one component the killer is missing. Gale Weathers-Riley
: Wait, what do you mean? Charlie Walker
: Well, if you wanna be the new, new version, the killer should be filming the murders. Robbie
: Yeah, it's like the natural next step in the psycho-slasher innovation. I mean you film them all real-time and before you get caught, you upload them into cyberspace. Charlie Walker
: Making your art as immortal as you. Charlie Walker
: [speaking same time as Robbie
] Not to implicate him. Robbie
: [speaking same time as Charlie
] Not to implicate me. Sidney Prescott
: So who do you think is doing the murders. Charlie Walker
: Well, it's a Stab fanatic clearly. Working on less of a Shrequel and more of a Screamake. Robbie
: Copyright terms, by the way. Charlie Walker
: Cause all there are now are remakes. Only horror studios green-light. I mean, there are still rules, but the rules have changed. The unexpected is the new cliche. Robbie
: Yeah, you gotta have an opening sequence, that blows the doors off, gallop some music video direction and the kill's gotta be way more extreme. Charlie Walker
: Modern audiences get sappy to the rules of the original. So, the reverse has become the new standard. In fact, the only sure-fire way to survive a modern horror movie, you pretty much gotta be gay.
] Gale Weathers-Riley
: So, why are you so sure that the killer is working by the rules of a horror remake? Robbie
: Well, the original Stab structure is pretty apparent. Charlie Walker
: Yeah, two kids killed in a house when their parents are away? Robbie
: And, then the school's 'hot chick' savage beyond recognition. Charlie Walker
: We all know where it goes from there...? Sidney Prescott
: A party. Charlie Walker
: Exactly. A party. Guaranteed third-act-main-cast bloodbath. Robbie
: Fingers crossed on some nudity for a change.
: Okay, listen to me Judy. I don't mind that you're working with my husband, or that you even bake him those little treats. That you do. But if you're going to start acting like him you better put a moustache on because you sound ridiculous.
: So where is this circle jerk going to take place?
: OK, but can I just have one final word? Jill Roberts
: What? "Please"? Gale Weathers-Riley
: No. Clear Jill Roberts
: Clear? Sidney Prescott
: [Sidney is holding a defibrillator to Jill's head
: [to Deputy Judy Hicks
] Oh, and by the way, your lemon squares taste like ass.
: Promise me something? Sheriff Dewey Riley
: Anything. Gale Weathers-Riley
: Catch that motherfucker.