Jonathan Carnahan
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Quotes for
Jonathan Carnahan (Character)
from The Mummy (1999)

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The Mummy Returns (2001)
Jonathan: I told you. I told you.
Meela: And your point is...?
Jonathan: My point is, I told you so you wouldn't kill me.
Meela: When did we make that arrangement?

Evelyn: Jonathan.
Jonathan: Yes?
Evelyn: That's my husband and my son down there. Make me proud.
Jonathan: Today's that day, Evy.

Rick: [Rick comes in and sees Jonathan being interrogated by thugs] Uh, hello. Jonathan, I thought I said no more wild parties.
Jonathan: Well, when you're popular...

Rick: What'd you do this time?
Jonathan: Well, I haven't done anything to anybody
[bullets fly through the door]
Jonathan: ... lately.

Rick: Okay - you're here, the bad guys are here, Evy's been kidnapped. Let me guess...
Ardeth Bay: Yes, they once again removed the creature from his grave.
Jonathan: I don't mean to point fingers, but isn't it your job to make sure that doesn't happen?

Jonathan: Pull me up. Pull me up.
[he sees the huge diamond on top of the pyramid]
Jonathan: Wait, wait. Let me down. Let me down.
Rick: It's not worth your life, you idiot.
Jonathan: Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

Ardeth Bay: [as Jonathan loads his rifle] You any good with that?
Jonathan: Five times Fox and Hounds Grand Champion, I'll have you know!
[nods at Ardeth's scimitar]
Jonathan: You any good with that?
Ardeth Bay: We'll know soon enough.
[in a flash, the scimitar is in his hand, out of his belt, and the blade rests against Jonathan's neck]
Ardeth Bay: Because the only way to kill an Anubis warrior is by taking off its head.
Jonathan: [swallows] I'll remember that.

Jonathan: [Jonathan and Shafek are being chased by pygmies and are running into the burial ground] Look! There's a burial ground. We're safe! We're safe! See those sacred stones? They'll never cross those.
Shafek: You are sure?
Jonathan: Yes, of course I'm sure.
[a pygmy runs past and stabs Shafek. Jonathan screams]
Jonathan: Sorry. My mistake.

Alex: [trying to start the car] Come on, come on!
[Johnathan turns the key and breaks it off]
Alex: You broke it, you broke it, you broke it!
Jonathan: Be quiet Alex! If there's going to be any hysterics, they'll come from me!

Rick: Where the hell's Jonathon?
Evelyn: [Jonathon drives up in a double-decker bus] Alex.
Rick: What's the matter with my car?
Jonathan: Well, I was forced to find an alternative means of transportation.
Rick: A double-decker bus?
Jonathan: [pointing to Alex] It was his idea.
Alex: Was not!
Jonathan: Was too!
Rick: Just go!
Alex: Was not!
Jonathan: Was too!

Jonathan: I say chaps, look at this. Shrunken heads. I'd love to know how they do that.
[Everybody looks strangely at Jonathan]
Jonathan: Just curious.

Ardeth Bay: I am sorry if I alarmed your son. But you must understand, now that the bracelet is on his wrist, we have only seven days before the Scorpion King awakens!
Rick: We? What we?
Ardeth Bay: If he is not killed, he will raise the Army of Anubis!
Jonathan: I take it that's not a good thing?
Rick: Oh, he'll wipe out the world.
Jonathan: Ah, the old "Wipe-Out-The-World" ploy.

[last lines]
Izzy: Uh, that's half mine, you know.
Jonathan: What?
Izzy: [indicating the diamond] That's half mine.
Jonathan: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Izzy: What? You took my gold stick! I know you took my gold stick!
Jonathan: No, I have no id- I swear on the head of my wife I have no idea what you're talking about.
Izzy: You haven't - you ain't got a wife!
Jonathan: I haven't got your gold stick either!
[they keep arguing and their voices fade as the ship sails off into the sunset]

Jonathan: Step aside, Alex... I'm a professional.

Rick: Alex I've got a big job for you. I want you to stay here and protect the car.
Jonathan: I can do that!
Alex: Protect the car? Come on, dad. Just because I'm a kid doesn't mean I'm stupid.
Rick: I know.
Alex: [ruffles his hair] Dad!
Rick: Ehh...
Jonathan: If you see anyone come running out screaming, it's just me.
Rick: [to Jonathan about Alex] Maybe you should stay here and watch him.
Jonathan: Yes, now you're talking.

Jonathan: [after seeing Alex crying about his moms death] Try to think of it like this, Alex. She's gone to a better place. You know, like it says in the Good Book.
Alex: Book!
Jonathan: What?
Alex: That's it! That's it!
Jonathan: That's what?
Alex: [Jumps up and grabs Jonathan] Come on, Uncle Jon! Come on, come on!

Jonathan: [to Ardeth Bay] Where is all this stuff written?

Alex: [while Jonathan is fighting Meela] Efday shokran... efday shokran... Uncle Jon! I don't know what this last symbol is!
Jonathan: What does it look like?
Alex: It's a bird - a stork!
Jonathan: [ecstatic] I know that one! I know that one!
Alex: Then what is it?
Jonathan: [struggling with Meela] Ah... Ah...!
[throws her off]
Jonathan: [triumphantly] Amenophus!

Jonathan: What are we going to do? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
Alex: You're asking me? I'm only 8 years old, for Christ's sake!

Meela: [interrogating Jonathan] Where's your wife?
Jonathan: My wife? Oh you mean Evie, I think she went off to Baden-Baden or Tibet or something, the girl is a free spirit, did I mention I was single now?
Meela: [pulls a snake out of a basket] Egyptian Aps are quite poisonous
[one of her men holds a knife to Jonathan's throat]
Jonathan: [about the bracelet] It's downstairs in the safe the combination is 3,20,58,3,9,3 something, it's the safe downstairs I told you, I told you.
Meela: [pets and kisses the snake] And your point is?
[walks towards him and points the snake at his throat]
Jonathan: [backs away] I told you, I told you so you wouldn't kill me!
Meela: When did we make that arrangement?
[Rick enters and interrupts]
Rick: Oh hello
[sees Jonathan tied up and Meela and her men surrounding him]
Rick: Jonathan I thought I told you no more wild parties.
Jonathan: You know when you're popular.

The Mummy (1999)
Winston: So, what's your little problem got to do with His Majesty's Royal Air Corps?
Rick: Not a damn thing.
Winston: Is it dangerous?
Rick: Well, you probably won't live through it.
Winston: By Jove, do you really think so?
Jonathan: Well, everybody else we've bumped into has died. Why not you?

Evelyn: You lied to me.
Jonathan: I lie to everybody. What makes you so special?
Evelyn: I am your sister.
Jonathan: Yes, well that just makes you more gullible.

Rick: Let me get this straight, they ripped out your guts and they stuffed them in jars?
Evelyn: And they take out your heart as well. Oh, and you know how they took out your brains?
Jonathan: Evy, I don't think we need to know this
Evelyn: They take a sharp, red hot poker, stick it up your nose, scramble things about a bit, and then rip it all out through your nostrils.
Rick: Ooh, that's got to hurt.
Evelyn: It's called mummification, you'll be dead when they do this.
Rick: For the record, if I don't make it out of here, don't put me down for mummification.
Jonathan: Likewise.

Evelyn: [at Hamunaptra, opening Imhotep's sarcophagus] Oh my God, I hate it when these things do that.
Rick: Is he supposed to look like that?
Evelyn: No, I've never seen a mummy look like this before. He's still... still...
Rick, Jonathan: ...juicy.

Jonathan: [Jonathan hands Evy a strange box] My whole life I've never found anything, Evy. *Please* tell me I've found something.
Jonathan: [Evelyn opens the strange box, inside lies an ancient map] Jonathan?
Jonathan: Yes?
Evelyn: I think you found something.

Jonathan: [entering Sah-Netjer] Whew! What is that god-awful stench?
[smells the Warden climbing down right behind him]
Jonathan: Oh.

Evelyn: [Jonathan looks through the warden's pouch. Suddenly he cuts himself on something] What is it?
Jonathan: A broken bottle. Glenlivet. Twelve years old! Well, he may have been a stinky fellow, but he had good taste.

Rick: [to Evelyn who was just attacked/almost kissed by Imhotep] You all right?
Jonathan: [standing several feet behind Rick] Well, I'm not sure.

Evelyn: Have you no respect for the dead?
Jonathan: Of course I do, but sometimes I'd rather like to join them.
Evelyn: Well I wish you would do it sooner rather than later before you ruin my career the way you've ruined yours.

Jonathan: Well, I guess we go home empty handed. Again.
Rick: I wouldn't say that.
[Kisses Evy]
Jonathan: Oh please.
[to his camel]
Jonathan: How about you darling, would you like a little kissy-wissy?
[the camel breathes on him]
Jonathan: Whew!

Jonathan: [a scarab has just crawled under Jonathan's skin] Do something! Do something!
[Rick flicks a knife]
Jonathan: Not that! Not that!

Jonathan: [about a noise] What was that?
Rick: Sounds like... bugs.
Evelyn: [to the warden] He said 'bugs.'
Warden Gad Hassan: What do you mean bugs? I hate bugs!

Jonathan: Never did like camels. Filthy buggers. They smell, they bite, they spit.
[the warden spits]
Jonathan: Disgusting.

Jonathan: [they have just walked into a large room full of gold] Can you see...
Rick: Yeah.
Jonathan: Can you believe...
Rick: Yeah.
Jonathan: Can we just...
Rick: No.

Evelyn: [after the warden has died] What do you suppose killed him?
Jonathan: Did you ever see him eat?

Jonathan: [Trying to buy some camels from a Bedouin] I only want four! Four! I only want four, not a whole bloody herd! O'Connell! Can you believe the cheek?
Rick: Would you just pay the man!
Jonathan: Oh, for heaven's sake! Can't believe the price of these flea bags! Yes, happy. Very good.
Rick: You probably could have gotten them for free, all we had to do was give him your sister.
Jonathan: Yes. Yes. Awfully tempting, wasn't it?
Rick: [as Evelyn walks up looking beautiful in her new black clothes with a veil hiding her face except the eyes] Awf'lly...

Rick: This door doesn't open. She doesn't come out, and no one goes in.
[to Mr. Henderson]
Rick: Right?
Mr. Henderson: Right.
Rick: [to Mr. Daniels] Right?
Mr. Daniels: Right.
Rick: Let's go Jonathan.
Jonathan: Oh, well, I thought I could just stay at the fort and, uh, reconnoiter.
Rick: Now!
Jonathan: Yeah. Right. We're just gonna rescue the... Egyptologist.

Jonathan: [from deleted scene]
[as they are riding on camels, Jonathan accuses the Warden of things]
Jonathan: ... and you snore.
Warden Gad Hassan: I do not snore.
Jonathan: All night you snored.
Warden Gad Hassan: Break wind, maybe, but snore? *Never*!
Jonathan: And then there was the drooling. Anyway, how would you know? You were asleep.

Rick: [inspecting Imhotep's sarcophagus] This looks like some sort of a lock.
Jonathan: Well, whoever's in here sure wasn't getting out.

Evelyn: [upon inspecting the map to Hamunaptra] You see the cartouche there? It's the official royal seal of Seti I, I'm sure of it.
Jonathan: Two questions: Who the hell was Seti I? And was he rich?
Evelyn: He was the second pharaoh of the 19th dynasty, said to be the wealthiest pharaoh of them all.
Jonathan: That's good. I like this fellow. I like him very much.

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008)
[from trailer]
Jonathan Carnahan: I hate mummies. They never play fair.

[from trailer]
Jonathan Carnahan: [to Rick] You guys are like mummy magnets!

Jonathan Carnahan: Ah! My ass is on fire! My ass is on fire! Spank my ass. Spank my ass!

Evelyn O'Connell: What is that god awful smell?
Jonathan Carnahan: [covered in puke] The Yak yakked.

Jonathan Carnahan: You three-headed shape-shifting son-of-a-bitch.

Jonathan Carnahan: Die you mummy bastards. Die.
Mad Dog Maguire: There is no call for bad language.

Jonathan Carnahan: [during a chase scene] Where's Rick?
Evelyn O'Connell: Where do you think?

Jonathan Carnahan: [about Lin] She speaks Yeti?

Mad Dog Maguire: When this is over, me and my boys get free drinks!
Jonathan Carnahan: You can have the whole damn bar! I'm getting the hell out of China!

Jonathan Carnahan: Here's to you, princess! And Imhotep. May the bugger actually stay dead!

Jonathan Carnahan: [Trying to get Alex away from Mad Dog's girl] Alex, that woman is a tomb in which many pharaohs have laid in.

Alex O'Connell: Good going. You've raised another mummy.
Jonathan Carnahan: And this bugger's got super powers.

Jonathan Carnahan: As much as I want to stay boyishly handsome forever, Shang-ri La is a crock.
Rick O'Connell: That's what you use to say about mummies Jon and you did pretty well off it.
Jonathan Carnahan: Good point.

Rick O'Connell: Time to go to plan B. Blow up the tower.
Jonathan Carnahan: I'm actually a little concerned about plan B. Can't we go straight to plan C?
Rick O'Connell: Make it go bang. I'll cover ya.

Jonathan Carnahan: CRAWLING THROUGH SNOW. Why do I always have to be the one to save the day?

Jonathan Carnahan: LIGHTS DYNAMTIE WIRE. Yes I did it! LOOKS UP AT TOWER LACED WITH DYNAMITE STICKS. Holy mother... time for a retreat... TURNS TO RUN & STUMBLES AT YETI'S FEET. LOOKS AT YETI, POINTS TO HIMSELF & THEN THE YETI. I'm on your team! I'm on your team.

Jonathan Carnahan: That's a diamond. I could use a diamond like that.

Jonathan Carnahan: [TALKS TO YAK] IT's not easy being me, but then again I don't suppose its easy being you isn't it old girl? If I met a girl like you Geraldine you know hard working. Doesn't say much. Your'e a little bit hairy but I don't mind that.

Mad Dog Maguire: Off so soon?
Jonathan Carnahan: Well I just don't like goodbyes. You won't say anything will ya?
Mad Dog Maguire: Well, there are outstanding bills.
Jonathan Carnahan: Here.
Jonathan Carnahan: Have it all. I'm off to South America. Hot babes, beaches, and no mummies.
Mad Dog Maguire: [GESTURES TO WICKER CAT CARRIER IN JONATHAN'S HANDS] I didn't know you own a cat.
Jonathan Carnahan: Adverci amigo.

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008) (VG)
Jonathan Carnahan: I *love* the smell of terracotta in the morning!

Jonathan Carnahan: I could've been in a bar, drinking champagne, talking to some ladies, playing dice, winning money!