Kevin Myers
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Quotes for
Kevin Myers (Character)
from American Pie (1999)

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American Pie (1999)
Jim: Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?
Kevin: You want to take this one?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Like warm apple pie.
Jim: Yeah?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah.
Jim: Apple pie, huh?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Uh huh.
Jim: McDonald's or homemade?

Kevin: Separately we are flawed and vulnerable, but together we are the masters of our sexual destiny.
Jim: [imitating dubbed martial-arts dialogue] Their tiger-style kung fu is strong, but our dragon-style kung fu will defeat it!
Kevin: Guys...
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: The Shaolin masters of East and West must unite! Fight! And find out who is number one!
Kevin: GUYS! I'm serious!

Finch: [Watching Jim's strip tease over the Internet] Did not just take out that chair.
Kevin: Yup, he took out the chair.

Kevin: No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused! From now on, we fight for every man out there who isn't getting laid when he should be! This is our day! This is our time! And, by God, we're not gonna let history condemn us to celibacy! We will make a stand! We will succeed! We will get laid!

Kevin: [watching Jim and Nadia over the Internet] He's pullin' out the porn.
Finch: He's desperate. Jim, just wait till she leaves.

Steve Stifler: Hey, Kev, seen shit brick lately?
Kevin: Why? What did you do to him?
Steve Stifler: Me? Nothing. I'm the one who ass he kicked. But uh... I'll tell you one thing... I don't think he's gonna have a problem shitting in school anymore. Slipped a little something into his Moccachino.
[shows a jar of laxatives]

Kevin: If Sherman has sex before I do, I'm gonna be really pissed.
Jim: Sherman? The Sherminator?
[both laugh]

Finch: [covering his eyes] Tell me he did not just get out the chair.
Kevin: He got out the chair.

Kevin: [Stifler is vomiting in a toilet] Hey, Stifler, how's the "Pale Ale"?
Steve Stifler: [vomiting] Fuck you!

[Deleted Scene. Jim, Oz and Kevin walk down the corridor]
Jim: Oh man...
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Shit dude, the 'L' word?
Jim: And what did you say?
Kevin: Nothing - I mean I hugged her back.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Good, then you're still safe.
Jim: You think she was serious?
Kevin: Well, well, she could have meant like "I love you Grandma" or "I Love you Cornell"
Jim: Yeah, yeah.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Hey, don't worry about it bro, I got the solution; It never happened. Forget about it. Don't mention it again and just lay low and hopefully - hopefully - she won't mention it again.
Jim: Yeah.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah, no Sweat.
Jim: I couldn't have said it better myself
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: [snorts] You couldn't have said it at all Jim...
Jim: Hey.

[Deleted Scene. The boys sit by the lockers]
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She's a college chick.
Jim: Cassanova!
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Debbie.
Steve Stifler: Bullshit - from where?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She works part-time at my dad's store.
Steve Stifler: Yeah right Oz, I bet it's more like your dad works at her store.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Dude, come on, he does not.
Kevin: Really Stifler, he's the manager.
Steve Stifler: Hey, I'm not making fun - I'm fucking impressed! I mean, "Hi, six inch or foot-long, white or wheat?" - that's some serious shit to master!
Kevin: Stifler, you're such an asshole!
Steve Stifler: [chuckles] Myers... I mean, what's the deal with you and Vicky anyways? I mean you guys have been going since homecoming for God's sakes and all she's do is blow you? Shit, I'd drop her like a steaming turd!
Finch: Do you commonly grasp warm pieces of stool?
Steve Stifler: I do when I'm throwing them at your mom, you damn freak!

[Deleted scene. Kevin talk on the phone with Tom, who is driving]
Tom Myers: You called to ask me how to get laid?
Kevin: Well yeah you know, it's not like I can really call dad. I don't even have his number.
Tom Myers: It's listed A-S-S-H-O-L-E.
Kevin: Yeah, you said it... Anyway, I was calling to see if I could get some advice - brother-to-brother. I mean, I think that tonight, Vicky's... I mean, there's a definite chance that...
Tom Myers: All right, all right - listen, have you ever heard of The Bible?
Kevin: What? Not THE Bible?
Tom Myers: That's not really its name but that's what we call it.
Kevin: Does it tell me how to... to get laid?
Tom Myers: You know what? Nevermind, you're not ready.
Kevin: Wait, ready for what?
Tom Myers: Woah, you're breaking up there. I gotta go, good luck at the party.

[Deleted Scene. The boys are in Dog Years]
Jim: Guys guys guys - here's an easy one, okay: "Attractive single white female, fun-loving, youthful mind seeks outgoing companion". Okay; Attractive: ugly.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Fun Loving: Insane.
Kevin: Okay, 'unlisted age' plus 'youthful mind' equals 'Old'.
Jim: No, no no no - 'Charming' is old; 'Older' is really old; 'Youthful mind' is dead.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yes, yes.
[High-fives with Jim]
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: [to Finch] You're still eating that damn imitation hot dog?
Finch: It's not an imitation. Removing the actual 'dog' from the Ultra Dog makes a better hot dog.
[Holds up a roll full of salad, onion and mustard]
Finch: Behold Ultra Dog - No dog.

[Deleted Scene. Kevin enters to see Finch drinking mochachino]
Kevin: Finch, get to the bathroom, now!
Finch: Easy tiger, what's in there?
Kevin: Just go.
Finch: And why is this?
Kevin: Listen, you're going to shit your pants.
Finch: [snorts] That's charming.
Finch: Look, Stifler slipped some sort of laxative in your coffee and it's fast acting - really fast.
Finch: Listen, Kevin, you know first of all it's mochachino... Oh... Oh!
[Finch runs from the room]

[Deleted scene. The boys are at the prom]
Finch: All right, all right - I'm here for your dumb meeting.
Kevin: So, status check...
Chuck Sherman: Boys, boys, boys. I'm on the offensive, the Sherman tank is going back in, locked on target, flying in stealth mode under enemy sex radar, ready to make the payload - again.

[Deleted scene. The boys are in Dog Years]
Finch: Is that legal? Can you do that?
Jim: I did it. Don't care.
Kevin: Maybe we'll just have to call you two-ply.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: I personally enjoyed the double-bagging part myself.
Jim: Well I'm very happy to entertain you Oz. So how you doing Kev, you okay?
Kevin: [pauses] Yeah.

[Kevin and Vicky are sitting in class]
Victoria 'Vicky': [whispering] Hey, Kevin.
Victoria 'Vicky': I want to have sex.
Kevin: [loudly] Now?
Victoria 'Vicky': [whispering] Prom.

American Pie 2 (2001)
Kevin: My brother said by the end of the summer I'll get the big picture. And I see it. No matter what, times change, things are different. But the problem is, I don't want them to be.

Kevin: So, how are the twig and giggleberries this morning?
Jim: Oh, very colorful, my dick looks like a paint by number.
Stifler: Jim, you're the only guy I know who's dick needs an instruction manual.

Stifler: [after Finch got into Stifler's mom's car and driving off] Hey, where's shit-break?
Jim: Uh, at the movies.
Kevin: Took the bus.
Oz: Coffee.
Stifler: Wait a second... Who the fuck was in that car?

Finch: Go Fish
Kevin: Finch, we're playing gin!
Finch: Oh, well... gin

Stifler: Who the hell was that?
Oz: That was uh... that was...
Jim: Was someone was lost looking for the lake.
Kevin: Yeah
Oz: Yeah, turned around.
Stifler: What a dumbass, the lake's right there.

American Reunion (2012)
Kevin: Were we just as obnoxious as these kids back in the day?
Finch: Not us, our generation, we were more mature.
Steve Stifler: Check it out vagina shark.
[goes under water, girls scream]
Finch: I take that back.

Kevin: Don't mess with the class of 99, bitch!

Kevin: You destroyed their Jet Skis
Steve Stifler: They splashed us, so...

American Wedding (2003)
[Kevin and Finch are looking for Jim's grandmother]
Kevin Myers: Guys, what are you doing here?
John: The old bitch sucked, so we ditched her.

[after Stifler has sex with Jim's grandmother]
Kevin Myers: You're a hero.
Steve Stifler: Pussy is pussy.

Kevin Myers: [raising a glass to toast] Gentlemen, to the next step...
Jim: Oh will you stop with that "next step" bullshit.
Paul Finch: Put down your glass.