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: I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of
] Jim's Dad
: masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it stroking the salami, yeah, you know, pounding the old pud.
] Jim's Dad
: I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6 times a day.
: [talking about masturbation
] It's like banging a tennis ball against a brick wall, which can be fun. It can be fun, but it's not a game. Jim
: Right. Jim
: It's not a game. Jim
: No. Jim's Dad
: What you want is a partner to return the ball.
: [On Condoms
] Well, they're safer than a tube sock...
: We'll just tell your mother that... we ate it all.
: [to Jim
] Now, do you know what a clitoris is?
] Jim's Dad
: You may be Jimbo, or Jumbo, or Jimbodini to those guys in there, but there are still two people who haven't forgotten where James Emmanuel Levenstein came from. We're awful proud of you son. Jim
: Thanks, Dad. Jim's Dad
: Don't forget your penis cream.
: [to Natalie's Dad
] Hi, I'm Jim's Dad. You must be the parents of this young lady. I didn't get your daughter's name, but hopefully my son did.
: Musilage is dangerous territory, and uhh, I would think any adhesive product would have a warning right on the tube. Jim
: I thought it was a, uhh, a lubricant. Ok, I was trying to use lubricant. Jim's Dad
: Oh... oh... Wheelchair Lady
: [looking at Pussy Palace
] Son, couldn't you have left that disgusting thing at home? Jim's Dad
: Excuse me? Wheelchair Lady
: Well, that kind of material is offensive to me. Jim's Dad
: Ohh, well we're sorry, but uh, but you see my son COULDN'T leave it at home because uhh, he's having a bit of a MEDICAL EMERGENCY? Jim
: That's right. Thanks Dad. Jim's Dad
: Your opinion of his taste in video rentals is not a priority lady. Ok? It's at the bottom of the totem pole. My son is sitting here right now with his hand glued to his penis, but that doesn't mean anything to you does it? Because you dont have a penis. Or maybe you do?
: Keep it real homies.
[Jim's Dad sees Jim looking at pictures of Nadia
] Jim's Dad
: Ah, yes. The one that got away. Jim
: Yeah. Jim's Dad
: Yeah. Well, evidently you two made quite the handsome couple on the Internet... Oh, I didn't see it. It, uh, was brought up at a P.T.A. meeting.
: Why do you think, uh, Michelle, they call it "making love"? Michelle
: I don't know. I just call it "boning". Jim's Dad
: Boning? Well, when-when you're doing other things with Jim, when you're not... um... boning, how does he make you feel? Michelle
: Horny, like I wanna bone. Jim's Dad
: But-but, we can't be boning from sunrise to sunset, dear. Michelle
: Oh, you've never tried it? Jim's Dad
: I certainly have. I have. I've boned... from sunrise, uh, right through brunch on more than one occasion.
: Son, step away from the animal...
[Jim is nervous before his wedding
: Honesty, now- Honestly, would you have passed up sex with Nadia? Jim's Dad
: Why? Did she say something? Jim
: Hypothetically, Dad. Jim's Dad
: Oh, hypothetically. Well, I mean, you know, Jim, I'm a married man. I'm... Jim
: If-If-If you weren't married. Jim's Dad
: She's a college girl. Jim
: If you were a college guy. Jim's Dad
: In a heartbeat. Oh yeah.
: "Boning"? Well, when you"re not... "boning", how does Jim make you feel?
: [Jim's father arrives at the restaurant just as Michelle is secretly giving Jim a blow job
] Here's the ring, son. Jim
: Ohh. Jim's Dad
: Let me tell you something, this is some ring. Look at the rock on this baby, Mister Big Spender. I hope you didn't blow your wad on this, son. Jim
: Not yet. Jim's Dad
: Your mother and I could not be more thrilled for you, Jim. I mean, we're so happy, and I know you're excited. I can see it in your face. I mean, you look like you're ready to burst. Jim
: Uh, huh. Jim's Dad
: I mean, your cheeks, they're flushed. I wish your mother could be here. Jim
: Not me.
: It is so great to see all you kids back in town. And what a terrific soiree are you throwing here tonight. Just wonderful. Steve Stifler
: You know what? I'm gonna get you fucked up.
: Fuck yeah, Mr. Levenstein! Jim's Dad
] The name's Noah, motherfucker!
: Is it an erectile problem? Because sometimes, you can buy a little time... with a well-placed thumb.
: [to Elyse and Stifler
] Let me see if I have this straight. Elyse, you think Matt is an arrogant jock who wears his penis on his forehead just to gain the approval of his sociopathic older brother. And Matt, you think Elyse is an uptight, geeky prude who needs to, uh, loosen up a bit and get laid.
] Mr. Levenstein
: Excuse the expression, dear. Is that close to being on the money?
: We didn't have MTV when I was growing up. So maybe it's the overstimulated times that we live in that causes young men to stick their... instruments in such... odd places. I knew a certain young men once who actually engaged in sexual congress with an apple pie, and he turned out just fine. So, uhh... you're perfectly normal.
: Welcome to the Naked Mile!