Paul Finch
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Quotes for
Paul Finch (Character)
from American Pie (1999)

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American Wedding (2003)
Paul Finch: Now, Jim, let me handle this. These are my people.
Steve Stifler: They're gay?
Paul Finch: No, you bleating imbecile. They have style, they're cultured, they're sophisticated.
Steve Stifler: So, they're gay.

[last lines]
Paul Finch: Oh, Stifler's Mom!

Paul Finch: Stifler's Mom...
Stifler's Mom: You've got to know I'm over you, Finchy.
Paul Finch: Well, as they say, we'll always have Paris.
Stifler's Mom: And the pool table.
Paul Finch: And the car.
Stifler's Mom: And the two-room suite I have upstairs...
Paul Finch: Oh, man. Let's go!

Steve Stifler: Dick. 'Fucking hate not hating you.
Paul Finch: I did fuck your mom.
Paul Finch: Twice...
Steve Stifler: Hoo... That's better fucker.

Paul Finch: But, as they say, "We'll always have Paris."
Stifler's Mom: And the pool table.
Paul Finch: And the car.
Stifler's Mom: And the two-room suite I have upstairs.
Paul Finch: Come on you.
[pulling her to the staircase]

[At the wedding]
Paul Finch: Grandmotherfucker.
Steve Stifler: Motherfucker.
Paul Finch: [smiling] Yes, I am.

Michelle: So Finch, what will you do with your fancy NYU diploma?
Paul Finch: I'll frame it. Then I'll write my memoirs.

Kevin Myers: [raising a glass to toast] Gentlemen, to the next step...
Jim: Oh will you stop with that "next step" bullshit.
Paul Finch: Put down your glass.

Steve Stifler: Shhiittt, I got a frosted ass crack! Hey Finch, you want this for here, or to go?
Paul Finch: "A witty saying proves nothing," -Voltaire.
Steve Stifler: "Suck my dick!" -Ron Jeremy.

Paul Finch: Voltaire can suck on my balls!

Paul Finch: Love life, get paid, then get laid. That is the basic philosophy of... The Finch-meister!

Paul Finch: Grandmother-fucker.
Steve Stifler: Mother fucker.
Paul Finch: Yes I am.
Steve Stifler: Oh, you son of a bitch.

Paul Finch: Stifler, why in the world are you focused on me ?
Stifler: Because I'm surprised to see you don't have tits.

Paul Finch: [Unrated] Hey Stifler, why dont you grow a sack, fill it with some balls, magically sprout a dick and start fucking yourself in the ass?

American Pie (1999)
Finch: God bless the Internet.

Stifler's Mom: I got some scotch.
Finch: Single malt?
Stifler's Mom: Aged eighteen years. The way I like it.

Finch: [Watching Jim's strip tease over the Internet] Did not just take out that chair.
Kevin: Yup, he took out the chair.

Kevin: [watching Jim and Nadia over the Internet] He's pullin' out the porn.
Finch: He's desperate. Jim, just wait till she leaves.

Jim: [Nadia takes off her underwear] Holy shit.
Garage Band Member, Garage Band Member, Garage Band Member: [together] Holy shit
Enthusiastic Guy: [enthusiastically] Holy shit!

Finch: [covering his eyes] Tell me he did not just get out the chair.
Kevin: He got out the chair.

[Deleted Scene. The boys sit by the lockers]
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She's a college chick.
Jim: Cassanova!
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Debbie.
Steve Stifler: Bullshit - from where?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She works part-time at my dad's store.
Steve Stifler: Yeah right Oz, I bet it's more like your dad works at her store.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Dude, come on, he does not.
Kevin: Really Stifler, he's the manager.
Steve Stifler: Hey, I'm not making fun - I'm fucking impressed! I mean, "Hi, six inch or foot-long, white or wheat?" - that's some serious shit to master!
Kevin: Stifler, you're such an asshole!
Steve Stifler: [chuckles] Myers... I mean, what's the deal with you and Vicky anyways? I mean you guys have been going since homecoming for God's sakes and all she's do is blow you? Shit, I'd drop her like a steaming turd!
Finch: Do you commonly grasp warm pieces of stool?
Steve Stifler: I do when I'm throwing them at your mom, you damn freak!

[Deleted Scene. The boys are in Dog Years]
Jim: Guys guys guys - here's an easy one, okay: "Attractive single white female, fun-loving, youthful mind seeks outgoing companion". Okay; Attractive: ugly.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Fun Loving: Insane.
Kevin: Okay, 'unlisted age' plus 'youthful mind' equals 'Old'.
Jim: No, no no no - 'Charming' is old; 'Older' is really old; 'Youthful mind' is dead.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yes, yes.
[High-fives with Jim]
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: [to Finch] You're still eating that damn imitation hot dog?
Finch: It's not an imitation. Removing the actual 'dog' from the Ultra Dog makes a better hot dog.
[Holds up a roll full of salad, onion and mustard]
Finch: Behold Ultra Dog - No dog.

[Deleted Scene. Kevin enters to see Finch drinking mochachino]
Kevin: Finch, get to the bathroom, now!
Finch: Easy tiger, what's in there?
Kevin: Just go.
Finch: And why is this?
Kevin: Listen, you're going to shit your pants.
Finch: [snorts] That's charming.
Finch: Look, Stifler slipped some sort of laxative in your coffee and it's fast acting - really fast.
Finch: Listen, Kevin, you know first of all it's mochachino... Oh... Oh!
[Finch runs from the room]

[Deleted scene. The boys are at the prom]
Finch: All right, all right - I'm here for your dumb meeting.
Kevin: So, status check...
Chuck Sherman: Boys, boys, boys. I'm on the offensive, the Sherman tank is going back in, locked on target, flying in stealth mode under enemy sex radar, ready to make the payload - again.

[Deleted scene. The boys are in Dog Years]
Finch: Is that legal? Can you do that?
Jim: I did it. Don't care.
Kevin: Maybe we'll just have to call you two-ply.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: I personally enjoyed the double-bagging part myself.
Jim: Well I'm very happy to entertain you Oz. So how you doing Kev, you okay?
Kevin: [pauses] Yeah.

Finch: So, ah, would you object if I said you were quite striking?
Stifler's Mom: Mister Finch, are you trying to seduce me?
Finch: Yes ma'am, I am.

American Pie 2 (2001)
[talking to a picture of Stifler's Mom ]
Finch: How did you do that magic you did?

[last lines]
Finch: Oh, Jeanine, Jeanine!
Stifler's Mom: Call me Stifler's Mom.
Finch: [orgasmic noise] STIFLER'S MO-O-O - OM!

[the two "lesbians" are making the guys give each other hand jobs]
Stifler: Its okay. Its okay. I know what I have to do.
[starts undoing his shorts]
Stifler: I have to keep this party going. I'm taking one for the team.
[Finch and Jim run away]
Stifler: What's wrong with you guys? We almost had them. Why can't you guys be team players, huh? I was the one doing all the sacrificing.

[Stifler and Finch are fighting after Stifler found Finch in his mom's room]
Jim: Okay, guys, we went through this last summer, all right? Finch got a black eye and Stifler got six stitches
Stifler: Cause he fuckin' bit me!
Finch: You touch me, I bite.

Finch: Go Fish
Kevin: Finch, we're playing gin!
Finch: Oh, well... gin

American Reunion (2012)
Kevin: Were we just as obnoxious as these kids back in the day?
Finch: Not us, our generation, we were more mature.
Steve Stifler: Check it out vagina shark.
[goes under water, girls scream]
Finch: I take that back.

Finch: How is your mother, Stifler?
Steve Stifler: You stay away from my mom, shitbricks!