Jim Levenstein
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Quotes for
Jim Levenstein (Character)
from American Pie (1999)

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American Pie 2 (2001)
Jim's Dad: You may be Jimbo, or Jumbo, or Jimbodini to those guys in there, but there are still two people who haven't forgotten where James Emmanuel Levenstein came from. We're awful proud of you son.
Jim: Thanks, Dad.
Jim's Dad: Don't forget your penis cream.

Jim: I kind of super-glued myself to... uh... myself.

Jim's Dad: Musilage is dangerous territory, and uhh, I would think any adhesive product would have a warning right on the tube.
Jim: I thought it was a, uhh, a lubricant. Ok, I was trying to use lubricant.
Jim's Dad: Oh... oh...
Wheelchair Lady: [looking at Pussy Palace] Son, couldn't you have left that disgusting thing at home?
Jim's Dad: Excuse me?
Wheelchair Lady: Well, that kind of material is offensive to me.
Jim's Dad: Ohh, well we're sorry, but uh, but you see my son COULDN'T leave it at home because uhh, he's having a bit of a MEDICAL EMERGENCY?
Jim: That's right. Thanks Dad.
Jim's Dad: Your opinion of his taste in video rentals is not a priority lady. Ok? It's at the bottom of the totem pole. My son is sitting here right now with his hand glued to his penis, but that doesn't mean anything to you does it? Because you dont have a penis. Or maybe you do?

Trumpet Kid: You suck, retard.
Jim: I'm not retarded, I'm a very special boy.
[Jim rams the kid in the face with his trombone]

Jim: Nadia, please don't take this the wrong way - You are everything I... used to want in a woman, and as much as I'm really... really going to regret this, I think I need to be with someone else.
Nadia: You... you want the band geek?
Jim: Nadia, I *am* a band geek. I just never joined the band.

Jim: Nadia will be expecting filet mignon, okay, and all I'm going to be able to give her is rump roast.
Oz: What are you so worried about? You've had experience since Nadia.
Jim: Ah, yes. You would be referring to the flute fetish band geek, who made me her bitch, and ditched me after prom.

Jim: Was I any good that night?
Michelle: Jeez how could I forget? You sucked. You didn't know what the hell you were doing. But wasn't it fun even though you were so terrible?
Jim: I'm sorry, "terrible?"
Michelle: I've had worse.
Jim: Oh.
Michelle: Oh, sorry. I just... ah... I could give you some pointers. If you want.

Jim: That's a lot of flutes.

Michelle: Now don't freak out I'm gonna do something to push your threshold.
Jim: Ow that's cold. What is that?
Michelle: I just shoved a trumpet in your ass. Aren't instruments fun?

Michelle: Okay, pretend I'm a hot girl. Now what do you want to do?
Jim: I want to feel your boobs.
Michelle: No, you dingbat. You don't just go groping away. You gotta pre-heat the oven before you stick in the turkey.

Stifler: Holy shit dude. I found a dildo. Dildo. Dildo. Dildo. Big blue rubber dicks for everyone. The people demand rubber dicks.
Jim: What are you doing?
Stifler: Looking for more lesbian artifacts.
[hands Jim the dildo]
Jim: Where did you get this?
Stifler: Finch's ass.

[trying to return the dildo Stifler found]
Jim: Which room, man? Which room?
Stifler: I can't remember shit, man, I was too excited! I'm in a lesbian stronghold.

[Noticing the women's natural attraction to Oz]
Jim: Amazing.
Stifler: Yes, the force is strong in that one.

Jim: This is my first time, since my first time.

[Jim's Dad sees Jim looking at pictures of Nadia]
Jim's Dad: Ah, yes. The one that got away.
Jim: Yeah.
Jim's Dad: Yeah. Well, evidently you two made quite the handsome couple on the Internet... Oh, I didn't see it. It, uh, was brought up at a P.T.A. meeting.

Kevin: So, how are the twig and giggleberries this morning?
Jim: Oh, very colorful, my dick looks like a paint by number.
Stifler: Jim, you're the only guy I know who's dick needs an instruction manual.

[the two "lesbians" are making the guys give each other hand jobs]
Stifler: Its okay. Its okay. I know what I have to do.
[starts undoing his shorts]
Stifler: I have to keep this party going. I'm taking one for the team.
[Finch and Jim run away]
Finch: I AM NOT TOUCHING THAT.
Jim: PUT THAT THING AWAY STIFLER.
Stifler: What's wrong with you guys? We almost had them. Why can't you guys be team players, huh? I was the one doing all the sacrificing.

[Jim is kissing Michelle's collar bone]
Michelle: Good Jim. Ooh, you're making me wet.
Jim: Holy shit, really?
Michelle: No, I was just saying that so you could practice.
Jim: 'course.

Jim: This is good. This is good. Obviously.
Michelle: Oh. Gilligan's Island, Mr. Howell.
Jim: Eh, what?
Michelle: You've gotta control yourself and think of something non-sexual. I haven't even touched you yet and you're turning into the Sears Tower.

Stifler: [Stiffler and Jim have just kissed passionately, trying to get the girls to do each other] Dude, you're a fuckin' LOUSY kisser.
Jim: What? That's not fair! I wasn't TRYING there.
[to the girls]
Jim: I'm really bett...
Danielle: No judgment.
Jim: Wait a second, you were trying?
Stifler: Fuck, no!
Jim: You WERE trying!
Stifler: YOU were trying! Oh no I kissed Jim!

Jim: That counted.
Stifler: That totally counted.
Danielle: That's the way to kiss your mother.
Stifler: [to Finch] DON'T YOU SAY ANYTHING.

Jim: What are you doing here?
Stifler's Brother: Pussy man, I'm here for the pussy.
Jim: Take a number.

[Stifler and Finch are fighting after Stifler found Finch in his mom's room]
Jim: Okay, guys, we went through this last summer, all right? Finch got a black eye and Stifler got six stitches
Stifler: Cause he fuckin' bit me!
Finch: You touch me, I bite.

Jim: Do you know where I could find Michelle Flaherty?
Trumpet Kid: Guests bring food. Food attracts animals. This one time, a bear came. And then the bear had to be destroyed. Which means they shot it in the head with a rifle, and killed it, and it died.
Jim: Yeah, you must know Michelle.

Stifler: [after Finch got into Stifler's mom's car and driving off] Hey, where's shit-break?
Jim: Uh, at the movies.
Kevin: Took the bus.
Oz: Coffee.
Stifler: Wait a second... Who the fuck was in that car?

Stifler: Who the hell was that?
Oz: That was uh... that was...
Jim: Was someone was lost looking for the lake.
Kevin: Yeah
Oz: Yeah, turned around.
Stifler: What a dumbass, the lake's right there.

Michelle: [from a deleted scene] Its just like this one time at band camp.
Jim: Ah, Michelle I've been to band camp, it's not all what its cracked up to be.


American Pie (1999)
Jim: I would like to make an announcement. There is a gorgeous woman masturbating on my bed.

Jim: You realize we're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us.

Steve Stifler: [at choir practice] What did you cocks do to him?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: You came to see me in action?
Jim: Yeah man, I thought you sounded really good!
Steve Stifler: Yeah man, I think you need your balls reattached!

Jim: Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?
Kevin: You want to take this one?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Like warm apple pie.
Jim: Yeah?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah.
Jim: Apple pie, huh?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Uh huh.
Jim: McDonald's or homemade?

Jim: She's gone! Oh my God, she used me. I was used. I was used! Cool!

Kevin: Separately we are flawed and vulnerable, but together we are the masters of our sexual destiny.
Jim: [imitating dubbed martial-arts dialogue] Their tiger-style kung fu is strong, but our dragon-style kung fu will defeat it!
Kevin: Guys...
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: The Shaolin masters of East and West must unite! Fight! And find out who is number one!
Kevin: GUYS! I'm serious!

Michelle: What's my name? Say my name, bitch!
Jim: Michelle! Michelle.

Jim's Dad: [talking about masturbation] It's like banging a tennis ball against a brick wall, which can be fun. It can be fun, but it's not a game.
Jim: Right.
Jim: It's not a game.
Jim: No.
Jim's Dad: What you want is a partner to return the ball.

Jim: God... let this be it.

Jim: [Nadia takes off her underwear] Holy shit.
Finch: HOLY SHIT!
Garage Band Member, Garage Band Member, Garage Band Member: [together] Holy shit
Enthusiastic Guy: [enthusiastically] Holy shit!

Steve Stifler: You actually said that?
[laughs hysterically]
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Shut up!
Jim: You did better than me Nova.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Don't call me that any more. I'm a fraud.
Steve Stifler: You guys are pathetic. I'm gonna find myself a little hottie.
[shouts]
Steve Stifler: *suck me beautiful!*
[walks off, laughing]

Kevin: If Sherman has sex before I do, I'm gonna be really pissed.
Jim: Sherman? The Sherminator?
[both laugh]

Jim: Did you see 'The Little Mermaid' on TV yesterday? Ariel, she's so hot!
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She's a mermaid dude.
Jim: Yeah, but not when she's on land, Oz.

[Deleted Scene. Jim, Oz and Kevin walk down the corridor]
Jim: Oh man...
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Shit dude, the 'L' word?
Jim: And what did you say?
Kevin: Nothing - I mean I hugged her back.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Good, then you're still safe.
Jim: You think she was serious?
Kevin: Well, well, she could have meant like "I love you Grandma" or "I Love you Cornell"
Jim: Yeah, yeah.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Hey, don't worry about it bro, I got the solution; It never happened. Forget about it. Don't mention it again and just lay low and hopefully - hopefully - she won't mention it again.
Jim: Yeah.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah, no Sweat.
Jim: I couldn't have said it better myself
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: [snorts] You couldn't have said it at all Jim...
Jim: Hey.

[Deleted Scene. Jim and Oz walk outside]
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She's a cartoon dude.
Jim: She's a hot cartoon.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Dude, is ther anything you don't jerk off to?
Jim: Of course there is. C-Span.

[Deleted Scene. The boys sit by the lockers]
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She's a college chick.
Jim: Cassanova!
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Debbie.
Steve Stifler: Bullshit - from where?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She works part-time at my dad's store.
Steve Stifler: Yeah right Oz, I bet it's more like your dad works at her store.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Dude, come on, he does not.
Kevin: Really Stifler, he's the manager.
Steve Stifler: Hey, I'm not making fun - I'm fucking impressed! I mean, "Hi, six inch or foot-long, white or wheat?" - that's some serious shit to master!
Kevin: Stifler, you're such an asshole!
Steve Stifler: [chuckles] Myers... I mean, what's the deal with you and Vicky anyways? I mean you guys have been going since homecoming for God's sakes and all she's do is blow you? Shit, I'd drop her like a steaming turd!
Finch: Do you commonly grasp warm pieces of stool?
Steve Stifler: I do when I'm throwing them at your mom, you damn freak!

[Deleted Scene. The boys are in Dog Years]
Jim: Guys guys guys - here's an easy one, okay: "Attractive single white female, fun-loving, youthful mind seeks outgoing companion". Okay; Attractive: ugly.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Fun Loving: Insane.
Kevin: Okay, 'unlisted age' plus 'youthful mind' equals 'Old'.
Jim: No, no no no - 'Charming' is old; 'Older' is really old; 'Youthful mind' is dead.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yes, yes.
[High-fives with Jim]
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: [to Finch] You're still eating that damn imitation hot dog?
Finch: It's not an imitation. Removing the actual 'dog' from the Ultra Dog makes a better hot dog.
[Holds up a roll full of salad, onion and mustard]
Finch: Behold Ultra Dog - No dog.

[Deleted scene. Michelle and Jim collapse after having sex]
Stifler's Brother: [Opens cupboard door] Awesome! That was better than Jurassic Park! Oh man...
Jim: Yes it was...

[Deleted scene. The boys are in Dog Years]
Finch: Is that legal? Can you do that?
Jim: I did it. Don't care.
Kevin: Maybe we'll just have to call you two-ply.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: I personally enjoyed the double-bagging part myself.
Jim: Well I'm very happy to entertain you Oz. So how you doing Kev, you okay?
Kevin: [pauses] Yeah.


American Wedding (2003)
Jim: Alright, Stifler. Um, this... this is a little, uh, difficult to explain. Look, you're... you're okay. You're okay. I... I... I mean, uh... I mean, I like you.
Steve Stifler: Yeah, great. You can blow me after practice. I'm working, dude.
Jim: Well, dude.
Steve Stifler: [Jim and Stifler are both on the tackling sled] Come on. Work it! Hustle!
Jim: See my mom didn't know that there was a misunderstanding.
Steve Stifler: Push it! Move it! Come on!
Jim: You're not invited!
Steve Stifler: Hold!
[Jim and Stifler jump off the sled]
Steve Stifler: Dude, how the hell do you even think you're getting married? I've been looking out for your sex life since high school.
Jim: You what?
Steve Stifler: Ohhhh! Ohh! The first tits this guy ever saw were because of me. The first girl he ever hooked up with was at my party at my cottage. That girl is the girl he's marrying. The Stif-man showed him the way. Can I get a 'Hallelujah'?
Football Team: Hallelujah, Stifler!
Steve Stifler: But, my fuckers, this mofo right here does not want the Stifmeister, the grand fucking facilitator to attend the wedding. Who sucks donkey dick?
Football Team: [chanting] Jim sucks donkey dick!
Jim: The answer is no. Okay? I'm sorry!
Steve Stifler: I can dance.
Jim: What?
Steve Stifler: I can dance.

Steve Stifler: Dickhead. You do not send shit to my office at school.
Jim: Oh, hey, Stifler. Why don't you come in and make yourself comfortable?
Steve Stifler: Your letter made a great impression on Coach Marshall when he read it. Let me just refresh your memory, partner. 'Dear Steve, I will be forever in your debt if you teach me to dance like you did in the gay bar'.
Jim: I put serious thought into that letter.
Steve Stifler: Don't push me cause I'm close to the edge. I'm trying not to lose my head. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

[first lines]
Jim: Well, Michelle, we did it. Happy graduation.

Michelle: How did a little perv like you, turn into such a great guy?
Jim: How did a little nympho like you, turn into such a great girl?
Michelle: I'm still a nympho.
Jim: Well, I'm still a perv.

Kevin Myers: [raising a glass to toast] Gentlemen, to the next step...
Jim: Oh will you stop with that "next step" bullshit.
Paul Finch: Put down your glass.

[Jim and Michelle are discussing Stifler]
Michelle: Jim, he's not doing it to be nice; he's doing it to bone Cadence.
Jim: Look, maybe we should give him a chance. You know, I think - I think that underneath all the "fucks" and "shits" and "blow me's", there's a very sensitive person who's just thirsty for acceptance. That's... that's what I think.
Michelle: Oh, Jim... you gotta stop masturbating... it's melting your brain.

[Jim is nervous before his wedding]
Jim: Honesty, now- Honestly, would you have passed up sex with Nadia?
Jim's Dad: Why? Did she say something?
Jim: Hypothetically, Dad.
Jim's Dad: Oh, hypothetically. Well, I mean, you know, Jim, I'm a married man. I'm...
Jim: If-If-If you weren't married.
Jim's Dad: She's a college girl.
Jim: If you were a college guy.
Jim's Dad: In a heartbeat. Oh yeah.

Steve Stifler: Are you saying I'm impolite?
Jim: "Impolite" would be an improvement.

Steve Stifler: Observe the fuckin' Stifmeister, what is his defining characteristic?
Jim: He uses the F-word excessively?
Steve Stifler: [grins] Thanks man.

Jim's Dad: [Jim's father arrives at the restaurant just as Michelle is secretly giving Jim a blow job] Here's the ring, son.
Jim: Ohh.
Jim's Dad: Let me tell you something, this is some ring. Look at the rock on this baby, Mister Big Spender. I hope you didn't blow your wad on this, son.
Jim: Not yet.
Jim's Dad: Your mother and I could not be more thrilled for you, Jim. I mean, we're so happy, and I know you're excited. I can see it in your face. I mean, you look like you're ready to burst.
Jim: Uh, huh.
Jim's Dad: I mean, your cheeks, they're flushed. I wish your mother could be here.
Jim: Not me.

Jim: Michelle, I'm going to ask you something I've never asked before.
Michelle: [eagerly] Is it kinky?


American Reunion (2012)
Jim Levenstein: Stifler's having a party tonight. OK, I know that doesn't sound romantic or anything, but remember our first time was at a Stifler party. You made me your bitch.
Michelle: Yes. Yes I did.

Kara: Jim? I can't believe it's you. You don't remember me do you? Remember Teletubbies Tuesdays?
Jim Levenstein: Kara? No, oh my god, what? You're not a kid anymore.
Kara: It's been a long time since I needed a babysitter.
Jim Levenstein: I can't believe how much you've grown up.
Kara: Thanks. It's actually my eighteenth birthday tomorrow.
Jim Levenstein: Eighteen, wow.
Kara: You should come to my party.
Jim Levenstein: Oh, thank you, no, I... that might be...
Kara: Please I want you to come so bad.

Steve Stifler: [Whispering as he drops his shorts and sits on some high school students' cooler] I'm shitting in their cooler.
Jim Levenstein: [Gagging] I'm going to throw up.