Michelle Flaherty
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Quotes for
Michelle Flaherty (Character)
from American Pie (1999)

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American Pie 2 (2001)
Michelle's Friend: You are so sweet. He *is* special.
Michelle: He's my bitch.

Michelle: Holy Potatoes.

Jim: Was I any good that night?
Michelle: Jeez how could I forget? You sucked. You didn't know what the hell you were doing. But wasn't it fun even though you were so terrible?
Jim: I'm sorry, "terrible?"
Michelle: I've had worse.
Jim: Oh.
Michelle: Oh, sorry. I just... ah... I could give you some pointers. If you want.

Michelle: Now don't freak out I'm gonna do something to push your threshold.
Jim: Ow that's cold. What is that?
Michelle: I just shoved a trumpet in your ass. Aren't instruments fun?

Michelle: Okay, pretend I'm a hot girl. Now what do you want to do?
Jim: I want to feel your boobs.
Michelle: No, you dingbat. You don't just go groping away. You gotta pre-heat the oven before you stick in the turkey.

[Jim is kissing Michelle's collar bone]
Michelle: Good Jim. Ooh, you're making me wet.
Jim: Holy shit, really?
Michelle: No, I was just saying that so you could practice.
Jim: 'course.

Jim: This is good. This is good. Obviously.
Michelle: Oh. Gilligan's Island, Mr. Howell.
Jim: Eh, what?
Michelle: You've gotta control yourself and think of something non-sexual. I haven't even touched you yet and you're turning into the Sears Tower.

Michelle: This one time... um, here.

Michelle: [from a deleted scene] Its just like this one time at band camp.
Jim: Ah, Michelle I've been to band camp, it's not all what its cracked up to be.

American Wedding (2003)
Jim's Dad: Why do you think, uh, Michelle, they call it "making love"?
Michelle: I don't know. I just call it "boning".
Jim's Dad: Boning? Well, when-when you're doing other things with Jim, when you're not... um... boning, how does he make you feel?
Michelle: Horny, like I wanna bone.
Jim's Dad: But-but, we can't be boning from sunrise to sunset, dear.
Michelle: Oh, you've never tried it?
Jim's Dad: I certainly have. I have. I've boned... from sunrise, uh, right through brunch on more than one occasion.

Michelle: How did a little perv like you, turn into such a great guy?
Jim: How did a little nympho like you, turn into such a great girl?
Michelle: I'm still a nympho.
Jim: Well, I'm still a perv.

Michelle: Love isn't just a feeling. It's shaving your balls.

Michelle: So Finch, what will you do with your fancy NYU diploma?
Paul Finch: I'll frame it. Then I'll write my memoirs.

Michelle: Wow, Steve Stifler just gave a rose to a girl and meant it. It's like, monkeys learning to use tools for the first time.

[Jim and Michelle are discussing Stifler]
Michelle: Jim, he's not doing it to be nice; he's doing it to bone Cadence.
Jim: Look, maybe we should give him a chance. You know, I think - I think that underneath all the "fucks" and "shits" and "blow me's", there's a very sensitive person who's just thirsty for acceptance. That's... that's what I think.
Michelle: Oh, Jim... you gotta stop masturbating... it's melting your brain.

Michelle: Hmm... horny, like I wanna bone!

Jim: Michelle, I'm going to ask you something I've never asked before.
Michelle: [eagerly] Is it kinky?

American Reunion (2012)
Michelle: Get off my husband you little piece of shit!

Michelle: Everytime I wanna shop online and I start typing Amazon, amazingcollegesluts.com pops up.

Michelle: Hey, remember that one time at band camp, when we licked whipped cream off each other's p...
Selena: [Interrupts Michelle] Yes, yes. I remember.

Jim Levenstein: Stifler's having a party tonight. OK, I know that doesn't sound romantic or anything, but remember our first time was at a Stifler party. You made me your bitch.
Michelle: Yes. Yes I did.

American Pie (1999)
Michelle: What's my name? Say my name, bitch!
Jim: Michelle! Michelle.

Michelle: This one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy.

Michelle: Oh, and this one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy.
Jim: [spits out drink] Excuse me?
Michelle: What? You don't think I know how to get myself off? Hell, that's what half of band camp is. Sex Ed. So, are we gonna screw soon? Cause I'm getting kinda antsy.

Michelle: Now, I have 2 rubbers. Wear them both. It will desensitize you. I don't want you cumming so damn early this time.
Jim: What makes you think that I would cum early?
Michelle: Come on, I saw you on the net. Why do you think I accepted this date? You're a sure thing.
Jim: Yes I am.