Steve Stifler
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Quotes for
Steve Stifler (Character)
from American Pie (1999)

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American Pie 2 (2001)
Stifler: Jim. Can't you keep your shirt on? You're scaring the chicks away.

[Stifler thinks champagne is being poured onto his head when he's actually being urinated on from the balcony]
Stifler: I can taste the bubbles.

[during drive to lake]
Stifler: Oh, yeah. The Stifmeister's coming back to Grand Harbor. Deck the halls. Bye-bye, Great Falls. Wipe my ass and lick my balls. It's Stifler time, baby. Whoo-hoo-hoo. Whoo-hoo-hoo.

Stifler: [regarding Oz] The force is strong with that one.

Stifler: When a girl tells you how many guys she's slept with, multiply it by three and that's the real number. Didn't you fuckers learn anything in college?

Stifler: You're a disgrace to men everywhere. I mean, look at the Stifmeister. I got laid 23 times this year, and I'm not counting the hummer I got in the library stacks, baby.
Oz: Here's a new idea for you Stifler. You find a girl, you two become best friends and you don't bother counting how many times you have sex with each other you just laugh at the people who do count.
Stifler: Here's a new idea for you. I'll get you a spoon so you can eat my ass.

Stifler: There's little hearts on her panties. There's little hearts on her panties.

Stifler: Holy shit dude. I found a dildo. Dildo. Dildo. Dildo. Big blue rubber dicks for everyone. The people demand rubber dicks.
Jim: What are you doing?
Stifler: Looking for more lesbian artifacts.
[hands Jim the dildo]
Jim: Where did you get this?
Stifler: Finch's ass.

[trying to return the dildo Stifler found]
Jim: Which room, man? Which room?
Stifler: I can't remember shit, man, I was too excited! I'm in a lesbian stronghold.

Stifler: Ladies, I am down with the funky shit.

[Noticing the women's natural attraction to Oz]
Jim: Amazing.
Stifler: Yes, the force is strong in that one.

[Nadia is sitting at a table drinking a Pepsi when Sherman comes over to start a conversation]
Sherman: [a few minutes into the conversation] I am the Sherminator, a sophisticated Sex Robot sent through time to change the future for one lucky lady.
Nadia: And I am lucky lady?
Sherman: Nadia, you've been targeted for Shermination. Come with me if you want to live.
Nadia: Fuck me, geek!
Sherman: Affirmative!
[Sherman and Nadia go upstairs to have sex]
Stifler, Jessica: No fuckin' way!
Jessica: [Thinking if she would actually be able to get with Stifler] Forget it.
Stifler: Like you have a chance!
[Both knock back a shot]

[Stifler's brother shows off two girls he picked up]
Stifler: Brilliant. You found Lesbians.
Stifler: Good luck trying to break through that force field.
Danielle: Lesbians?
Amber: We never said that.
Stifler: What?
Amber: We never said that.
Stifler: Oh... Oh, man. I will do anything... ANYTHING to sleep with you, chicks, okay? I'll grab every guy's ass in this room. I'll caress it even. I'll even shave some ass if they need it!
[sounds of revulsion from young men at party]
Stifler: Oh, yeah! You heard me! I will kiss everybody here! Dudes, chicks, everybody! Because I am comfortable with my sexuality!

Stifler: I got peed on!

Kevin: So, how are the twig and giggleberries this morning?
Jim: Oh, very colorful, my dick looks like a paint by number.
Stifler: Jim, you're the only guy I know who's dick needs an instruction manual.

[the two "lesbians" are making the guys give each other hand jobs]
Stifler: Its okay. Its okay. I know what I have to do.
[starts undoing his shorts]
Stifler: I have to keep this party going. I'm taking one for the team.
[Finch and Jim run away]
Stifler: What's wrong with you guys? We almost had them. Why can't you guys be team players, huh? I was the one doing all the sacrificing.

Stifler: [answers the phone after awkward situation with Jim and Finch] Stiffler's palace of love... STRAIGHT love.

Heather: [On the phone to Oz] Oz what should I do now?
Stifler: [Also on the phone pretending to be Oz] Oh Heather baby. Why don't you tell me my dick is as big as Stifler's.
Oz: Stifler get off.
Stifler: I am getting off listening to the two of you. Keep going.

Stifler: Where are the Fuckin' females?

Stifler: Oh God, I kissed Jim.

Stifler: [Stiffler and Jim have just kissed passionately, trying to get the girls to do each other] Dude, you're a fuckin' LOUSY kisser.
Jim: What? That's not fair! I wasn't TRYING there.
[to the girls]
Jim: I'm really bett...
Danielle: No judgment.
Jim: Wait a second, you were trying?
Stifler: Fuck, no!
Jim: You WERE trying!
Stifler: YOU were trying! Oh no I kissed Jim!

Jim: That counted.
Stifler: That totally counted.
Danielle: That's the way to kiss your mother.
Stifler: [to Finch] DON'T YOU SAY ANYTHING.

Stifler: You stay the fuck away from that ficus. That is a jiz-free ficus.

[Stifler and Finch are fighting after Stifler found Finch in his mom's room]
Jim: Okay, guys, we went through this last summer, all right? Finch got a black eye and Stifler got six stitches
Stifler: Cause he fuckin' bit me!
Finch: You touch me, I bite.

Little Boy: [into walky-talky] Red leader, what's your position?
Stifler: [on walky-talky] I'm touchin' his ass, I'm touchin' his ass, I'm touchin his ass, I'm touchin' his ass...
Little Boy: Mommy!

Stifler: Finch, fist yourself!

Male EMT: [when Stifler jumps onto the ambulance where Jim is being treated] Excuse me, sir, are you a family member?
Stifler: Fuck no, this is just too good to miss!
Male EMT: OK sir, you're just gonna have to wait here. All right?
Stifler: [ambulance drives away] Ha, ha! This summer's turned out to be great!

Stifler: [after Finch got into Stifler's mom's car and driving off] Hey, where's shit-break?
Jim: Uh, at the movies.
Kevin: Took the bus.
Oz: Coffee.
Stifler: Wait a second... Who the fuck was in that car?

Stifler: How many girls did you sleep with this year?
Jessica: Wouldn't you like to know.
Stifler: Fuck yeah I would.

Stifler: Who the hell was that?
Oz: That was uh... that was...
Jim: Was someone was lost looking for the lake.
Kevin: Yeah
Oz: Yeah, turned around.
Stifler: What a dumbass, the lake's right there.

American Wedding (2003)
Steve Stifler: Well polish my nuts and serve me a milkshake.

Jim: Alright, Stifler. Um, this... this is a little, uh, difficult to explain. Look, you're... you're okay. You're okay. I... I... I mean, uh... I mean, I like you.
Steve Stifler: Yeah, great. You can blow me after practice. I'm working, dude.
Jim: Well, dude.
Steve Stifler: [Jim and Stifler are both on the tackling sled] Come on. Work it! Hustle!
Jim: See my mom didn't know that there was a misunderstanding.
Steve Stifler: Push it! Move it! Come on!
Jim: You're not invited!
Steve Stifler: Hold!
[Jim and Stifler jump off the sled]
Steve Stifler: Dude, how the hell do you even think you're getting married? I've been looking out for your sex life since high school.
Jim: You what?
Steve Stifler: Ohhhh! Ohh! The first tits this guy ever saw were because of me. The first girl he ever hooked up with was at my party at my cottage. That girl is the girl he's marrying. The Stif-man showed him the way. Can I get a 'Hallelujah'?
Football Team: Hallelujah, Stifler!
Steve Stifler: But, my fuckers, this mofo right here does not want the Stifmeister, the grand fucking facilitator to attend the wedding. Who sucks donkey dick?
Football Team: [chanting] Jim sucks donkey dick!
Jim: The answer is no. Okay? I'm sorry!
Steve Stifler: I can dance.
Jim: What?
Steve Stifler: I can dance.

Steve Stifler: Dickhead. You do not send shit to my office at school.
Jim: Oh, hey, Stifler. Why don't you come in and make yourself comfortable?
Steve Stifler: Your letter made a great impression on Coach Marshall when he read it. Let me just refresh your memory, partner. 'Dear Steve, I will be forever in your debt if you teach me to dance like you did in the gay bar'.
Jim: I put serious thought into that letter.
Steve Stifler: Don't push me cause I'm close to the edge. I'm trying not to lose my head. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Steve Stifler: It's time for me to boom-boom with the bridesmaids, Finch-fucker. 'Cause I'm gonna hang out with my wang out, and rock out with my cock out.

Paul Finch: Now, Jim, let me handle this. These are my people.
Steve Stifler: They're gay?
Paul Finch: No, you bleating imbecile. They have style, they're cultured, they're sophisticated.
Steve Stifler: So, they're gay.

[repeated line]
Steve Stifler: Fuckin' right, doggie!

Steve Stifler: Dick. 'Fucking hate not hating you.
Paul Finch: I did fuck your mom.
Paul Finch: Twice...
Steve Stifler: Hoo... That's better fucker.

Steve Stifler: Hey, Finch, what's the capital of Thailand?
[Hits Finch in the groin]
Steve Stifler: Bang-cock.

[At the wedding]
Paul Finch: Grandmotherfucker.
Steve Stifler: Motherfucker.
Paul Finch: [smiling] Yes, I am.

Steve Stifler: If you'll excuse me, I have some shit to attend to.

[after Stifler has sex with Jim's grandmother]
Kevin Myers: You're a hero.
Steve Stifler: Pussy is pussy.

Stifler: My dick looks like a corn dog and I've got cake all over my balls.

Steve Stifler: Happy "Fuck Day", Ass Mouth.

Stifler: It's on like Donkey Kong, beeyotch.

Cadence Flaherty: So, can I see the ring?
Steve Stifler: Nope. Promised to keep it safe. It's not leaving my pocket.
Cadence Flaherty: Okay, Frodo.

Steve Stifler: [about having sex with Cadence] I'm gonna be like, "You like this shit Momma?" And then she'll be like, "Fuckin' right doggie. Suck on my nipples like, like you're milkin' a cow."

Steve Stifler: [chanting] Gonna hava sex witha Caadence.

Steve Stifler: You hooked up with one other girl for what, ten seconds and you passed up sex with Nadia, fucking stupid. You're like a blind man picking out his favorite porno.

Steve Stifler: I eat the shit here!

Steve Stifler: Told ya that guy wanted to fuck me.

Bear: SO Stiffy, What do you think?
Steve Stifler: What the fuck Buffalo Bill?
Bear: What? Too much pink?
Steve Stifler: It puts the dress in the drawer and does as it's told.
Bear: Oh now that's fucked up... THAT'S FUCKED UP!

Stifler: Hey, Mr. Party Guy, how ya doin'? Ya havin' a good time? Can I get ya a Gin and Tonic? Ring-Ring, oh hold on. Hello? Yeah? Haha! It's for you, it's GET TO WORK, FUCKER!

Steve Stifler: Shhiittt, I got a frosted ass crack! Hey Finch, you want this for here, or to go?
Paul Finch: "A witty saying proves nothing," -Voltaire.
Steve Stifler: "Suck my dick!" -Ron Jeremy.

Steve Stifler: Are you saying I'm impolite?
Jim: "Impolite" would be an improvement.

Steve Stifler: What is this, a dance off?

Steve Stifler: Observe the fuckin' Stifmeister, what is his defining characteristic?
Jim: He uses the F-word excessively?
Steve Stifler: [grins] Thanks man.

Paul Finch: Grandmother-fucker.
Steve Stifler: Mother fucker.
Paul Finch: Yes I am.
Steve Stifler: Oh, you son of a bitch.

Paul Finch: Stifler, why in the world are you focused on me ?
Stifler: Because I'm surprised to see you don't have tits.

Steve Stifler: Jim's getting married, isn't he? Holy fuckin' shit! This is major! Do you have the slightest idea of how important this is? We get to have a bachelor party. Yes! We celebrate the death of Jim with a party in his honor. Chicks and boobs. Tits and ass. Titties, ta-tas, casabas, bazoongas all up in our friggin' faces! Come on, buck up fellas. Show some enthusiasm. It's gonna be fuckin' great. Oh, my god!

American Reunion (2012)
[from trailer]
Steve Stifler: Ladies, you'd better be working hard - you weren't hired for your looks. Actually you were. Not you.

Steve Stifler: [after punching Dr. Ron out] I ain't worth jackshit, D-Ron.

Kevin: Were we just as obnoxious as these kids back in the day?
Finch: Not us, our generation, we were more mature.
Steve Stifler: Check it out vagina shark.
[goes under water, girls scream]
Finch: I take that back.

[repeated line]
Steve Stifler: Oh, Finch's mom!

Finch: How is your mother, Stifler?
Steve Stifler: You stay away from my mom, shitbricks!

Jim's Dad: It is so great to see all you kids back in town. And what a terrific soiree are you throwing here tonight. Just wonderful.
Steve Stifler: You know what? I'm gonna get you fucked up.

Steve Stifler: Fuck yeah, Mr. Levenstein!
Jim's Dad: [Drunk] The name's Noah, motherfucker!

AJ: Did you just refer to yourself as the Stifmeister? Coz that's, like, the lamest name ever.
Steve Stifler: I'm gonna fucking kill you.

Sherman: [Talking about his divorce] At least I got to keep little Furlong.
Steve Stifler: You named your kid after Eddie Furlong?
Sherman: Yes I did. You know why? Because Terminator 2 is still the greatest film ever made.
Steve Stifler: Dude, you need to get banged bad.

Kevin: You destroyed their Jet Skis
Steve Stifler: They splashed us, so...

Steve Stifler: [Whispering as he drops his shorts and sits on some high school students' cooler] I'm shitting in their cooler.
Jim Levenstein: [Gagging] I'm going to throw up.

Steve Stifler: Hey, Shitbruck, when you're getting rammed by your cellmate tonight, think of Kevin.

Steve Stifler: Morning, co-workers and cock-jerkers!

American Pie (1999)
Steve Stifler: She called me and asked for my number.

Steve Stifler: I say, why don't you guys locate your dicks, remove the shrink wrap, and fucking *use* them!

Steve Stifler: [at choir practice] What did you cocks do to him?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: You came to see me in action?
Jim: Yeah man, I thought you sounded really good!
Steve Stifler: Yeah man, I think you need your balls reattached!

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: [On being sensitive] You ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and shit.
Steve Stifler: I dunno, man, that sounds like a lot of work.

Steve Stifler: I'll see you guys tonight, in the "No Fucking Section", right?

Steve Stifler: Choir chick! What the hell are you doing here?
Heather: Well, uh, I was asking Chris to the prom. So do you wanna go?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah, that would be great.
Steve Stifler: Well, just don't expect Oz to pay for the limo.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Stifler, fuck! I mean, why do you gotta be so insensitive all the time?
Steve Stifler: What? Whatever.

Steve Stifler: You actually said that?
[laughs hysterically]
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Shut up!
Jim: You did better than me Nova.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Don't call me that any more. I'm a fraud.
Steve Stifler: You guys are pathetic. I'm gonna find myself a little hottie.
Steve Stifler: *suck me beautiful!*
[walks off, laughing]

Steve Stifler: Hey, Kev, seen shit brick lately?
Kevin: Why? What did you do to him?
Steve Stifler: Me? Nothing. I'm the one who ass he kicked. But uh... I'll tell you one thing... I don't think he's gonna have a problem shitting in school anymore. Slipped a little something into his Moccachino.
[shows a jar of laxatives]

Kevin: [Stifler is vomiting in a toilet] Hey, Stifler, how's the "Pale Ale"?
Steve Stifler: [vomiting] Fuck you!

[Deleted Scene. The boys sit by the lockers]
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She's a college chick.
Jim: Cassanova!
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Debbie.
Steve Stifler: Bullshit - from where?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She works part-time at my dad's store.
Steve Stifler: Yeah right Oz, I bet it's more like your dad works at her store.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Dude, come on, he does not.
Kevin: Really Stifler, he's the manager.
Steve Stifler: Hey, I'm not making fun - I'm fucking impressed! I mean, "Hi, six inch or foot-long, white or wheat?" - that's some serious shit to master!
Kevin: Stifler, you're such an asshole!
Steve Stifler: [chuckles] Myers... I mean, what's the deal with you and Vicky anyways? I mean you guys have been going since homecoming for God's sakes and all she's do is blow you? Shit, I'd drop her like a steaming turd!
Finch: Do you commonly grasp warm pieces of stool?
Steve Stifler: I do when I'm throwing them at your mom, you damn freak!

Steve Stifler: Vicky, Jessica, great to see you, glad you could make it! Ha ha, Bitches.
Steve Stifler: Sherman!
Chuck Sherman: Hay!
Steve Stifler: What the fuck are you doing here?