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: Are you trying to look unattractive? Jane Burnham
: Yes. Carolyn Burnham
: Well, congratulations. You've succeeded admirably.
: Uh, whose car is that out front? Lester Burnham
: Mine. 1970 Pontiac Firebird. The car I've always wanted and now I have it. I rule!
: This is a $4,000 sofa, upholstered in Italian silk. This is not just a couch. Lester Burnham
: [shouts, pounding a couch pillow to each syllable
] It's just a couch!
[Lester has just caught Caroline cheating with the Real Estate King
] Carolyn Burnham
: Uh, Buddy, this is my... Lester Burnham
: Her husband. We've met before, but something tells me you're going to remember me this time.
[Carolyn is introducing Lester to the Real Estate King
] Carolyn Burnham
: My husband, Lester. Buddy Kane
: It's a pleasure. Lester Burnham
: Oh, we've met before, actually. This thing last year, Christmas at the Sheraton... Buddy Kane
: [pretends to remember
] Oh yeah, yes... Lester Burnham
: It's OK, I wouldn't remember me either. Carolyn Burnham
: [laughs nervously
] Honey, don't be weird. Lester Burnham
: OK honey, I won't be weird. I'll be whatever what you want me to be.
[Lester kisses Carolyn wildly, then looks at the Real Estate King
] Lester Burnham
: We have a very healthy relationship. Buddy Kane
: I see. Lester Burnham
: Well, don't know about you guys, but I need a drink.
: You ungrateful little brat! Just look at everything you have. When I was your age, we... lived in a duplex! We didn't even have our own house!
: Honey, I'm so proud of you. I watched you very closely, and you didn't screw up once!
: There happens to be a lot about me that you don't know, Mr. Smarty Man. There's plenty of joy in my life.
[at the dinner table
] Carolyn Burnham
: Your father and I were just discussing his day at work. Why don't you tell our daughter about it, honey? Lester Burnham
: Janie, today I quit my job. And then I told my boss to go fuck himself, and then I blackmailed him for almost sixty thousand dollars. Pass the asparagus. Carolyn Burnham
: Your father seems to think this kind of behavior is something to be proud of. Lester Burnham
: And your mother seems to prefer that I go through life like a fucking prisoner while she keeps my dick in a mason jar under the sink. Carolyn Burnham
: How dare you speak to me that way in front of her. And I marvel that you can be so contemptuous of me, on the same day that you LOSE your job. Lester Burnham
: Lose it? I didn't lose it. It's not like, "Whoops! Where'd my job go?" I QUIT. Someone pass the asparagus, please.
: You don't think it's kinda weird & fascist? Carolyn Burnham
: Possibly, but you don't want to be unemployed. Lester Burnham
: Oh well, all right, let's all sell our souls and work for Satan because it's more convenient that way.
: Well, I see you're smoking pot now. I think using psychotropic drugs is a very positive example to set for our daughter. Lester Burnham
: You're one to talk, you bloodless, money-grubbing freak.
: What the hell do you think you're doing? Lester Burnham
: Uh oh! Mom's mad! Bench presses. I'm going to whale on my pecs and then do my back.
: My company sells an image. It's part of my job to live that image.
: What are you doing? Lester Burnham
: Nothing. Carolyn Burnham
: You were masturbating! Lester Burnham
: I was not. Carolyn Burnham
: Yes you were! Lester Burnham
: Oh, all right! So shoot me, I was whacking off! That's right, I was choking the bishop, chafing the carrot, you know, saying "hi" to my monster!
: I refuse to be a victim!
: Don't you mess with me, mister, or I'll divorce you so fast it'll make your head spin! Lester Burnham
: On what grounds? I'm not a drunk, I don't fuck other women, I've never hit you, I don't mistreat you... I don't even try to touch you since you've made it so abundantly clear how unnecessary you consider me to be! But I did support you when you got your license, and some people might think that entitles me to half of what's yours. So, turn off the light when you come to bed!
: I will sell this house today, I will sell this house today.
: Oh, I see. You think you're the only one who's sexually frustrated here? Lester Burnham
: I'm not? Well, then, come on, baby, I'm ready!
[Lester and Carolyn are driving to the basketball game to watch Jane's dance team gig
] Lester Burnham
: Well what makes you so sure she wants us to be there? Did she ask us to come? Carolyn Burnham
: Of course not. She doesn't want us to know how important this is to her. But she's been practicing her steps for weeks. Lester Burnham
: Well, I'll bet money she's going to resent it, and I'm missing the James Bond marathon on TNT. Carolyn Burnham
: Lester, this is important. I'm sensing a real distance growing between you and Jane. Lester Burnham
: "Growing?" She hates me. Carolyn Burnham
: She's just willful. Lester Burnham
: She hates you too.
Sale House Woman #4
: The ad said this pool was lagoon-like. There's nothing lagoon-like about it, except for the bugs. There aren't even any plants out here! Carolyn Burnham
: What do you call this? Is this not a plant? If you have a problem with my plants, I can always call my landscape architect! Solved!
: [Carolyn is having sex in a motel room with the Real Estate King
] Do you like getting nailed by the King? Carolyn Burnham
: Yes, your majesty!
: That was exactly what I needed. The royal treatment, so to speak.
Mr. Smiley's Counter Girl
: Whoa! You are so busted. Carolyn Burnham
: You know, this really doesn't concern you. Lester Burnham
: Well, actually, Janine is Senior Drive-thru Manager so you are on her turf.
: I am sick and tired of being treated like I don't exist. You two do whatever you want, whenever you want to do it, and I don't complain. Carolyn Burnham
: Oh, you don't complain? Then please, excuse me, I must be psychotic, then! If you don't complain, what is this? Yeah, let's bring in the laugh-meter and see how loud it gets. Lester Burnham
: [Lester throws the asparagus plate at the wall
] Don't interrupt me, honey! Lester Burnham
: [sits back down to eat
] Oh, yeah, and one more thing, from now on we're going to have alternate dinner music because frankly - and I don't think I'm alone here...
[looks in Jane's direction
] Lester Burnham
: I'm tired of this Lawrence Welk shit!
Sale House Woman #5
: I mean, I think 'lagoon', I think 'waterfall', I think 'tropical'. This is a cement... hole. Carolyn Burnham
: Er... I have some tiki torches in the garage...
: Lester I refuse to live like this! This is not a marriage! Lester Burnham
: This hasn't been a marriage, for years, but you were happy as long as I kept my mouth shut. Well guess what, I've changed! And the new me whacks off when he feels horny, because you're obviously not gonna help me out in that department!
: Oh Carolyn, when did you become so... joyless? Carolyn Burnham
: Joyless? I'm not joyless. There happens to be a lot about me that you don't know, Mr. Smarty Man. There's plenty of joy in my life.
: Mom, do we always have to listen to this elevator music? Carolyn Burnham
: No. No, we don't. Carolyn Burnham
: As soon as you've prepared a nutritious yet savory meal that I'm about to eat, you can listen to whatever you like.