Lord Farquaad
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Quotes for
Lord Farquaad (Character)
from Shrek (2001)

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Shrek (2001)
Lord Farquaad: [playing with Gingy's legs] Run, run, run as fast as you can / You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!
Gingerbread Man: You're a monster!
Lord Farquaad: [tossing legs away] I'm not the monster here, YOU are! You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others?
Gingerbread Man: Eat me!
[spits in Farquaad's face]
Lord Farquaad: I've tried to be fair to you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll...
[reaches down]
Gingerbread Man: NO! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!
Lord Farquaad: All right, then! Who's hiding them?
Gingerbread Man: Okay, I'll tell you... Do you know... the Muffin Man?
Lord Farquaad: The Muffin Man?
Gingerbread Man: The Muffin Man.
Lord Farquaad: Yes, I know the Muffin Man. W-who lives down on Drury Lane?
Gingerbread Man: Well, she's married to the Muffin Man...
Lord Farquaad: The Muffin Man?
Gingerbread Man: THE MUFFIN MAN!
Lord Farquaad: She's married to the Muffin Man...

Lord Farquaad: Mirror, mirror, on the wall / Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?
Magic Mirror: Well, technically, you're not a king.
Lord Farquaad: Ah, Thelonius?
[Thelonius the Executioner smashes a small looking glass]
Lord Farquaad: You were saying?
Magic Mirror: [nervous] Er, I mean you're not a king YET! But you can become one! All you have to do is marry a princess...
Lord Farquaad: Go on...

Magic Mirror: [telling Lord Farquaad about his bachelorettes] So, just sit back and relax, my Lord, because I'm about to give you today's three eligible bachelorettes.
[the mirror shows images of Cinderella]
Magic Mirror: Our first bachelorette is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot-tubbing any time. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Let's hear it for Cinderella!
[changes to images of Snow White]
Magic Mirror: Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the Land of Fantasy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her frozen, dead lips and find out what a live wire she is. Give it up for Snow White!
[changes to Princess Fiona]
Magic Mirror: And last but not least is a fiery redhead who lives in a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by a boiling lake of lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing: Princess Fiona! So, who will it be? Bachelorette #1? Bechelorette #2? Or Bachelorette #3?
[Farquaad's advisors start calling out their choices, with Thelonious saying "#3"]
Lord Farquaad: Uhhh, Number 3!
Magic Mirror: Lord Farquaad, you have chosen... Princess Fiona.

Lord Farquaad: [to his knights] The winner of this tournament - no, no, the privilege - will have the honour of rescuing the beautiful Princess Fiona from the fiery pit of that dragon! Should the winner fail to return, the runner-up shall take his place, and so on and so forth... Some of you may die, but that is a sacrifice I am willing to make.

[Shrek enters the tournament]
Lord Farquaad: What's that? It's hideous!
Shrek: Well, that's not very nice.
[looks at Donkey]
Shrek: It's just a donkey.

Princess Fiona: I wanted to show you before...
[turns into an ogre]
Shrek: Well... er... THAT explains a lot.
Lord Farquaad: [revolted] It's disgusting!

[Shrek bursts into Fiona's and Farquaad's wedding]
Lord Farquaad: Now really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding?

Lord Farquaad: [Shrek has barged into the tournament] Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre, will be named champion! Have at him!
[all the knights draw their weapons and converge on Shrek]
Shrek: Okay, now... can't we just settle this over a pint!
[holds up a friendly mug, to no avail]
Shrek: No? All right then! COME ON!
[He bursts one of the ale barrels]

Lord Farquaad: [Slowly and dramatically to the looking glass] Magic... mirror... on... the wa...

Lord Farquaad: Princess Fiona... she's perfect!

[a squad of archers aim at Shrek]
Captain of Guards: Shall I give the order, my Lord?
Lord Farquaad: No. I have a better idea...

[last words]
Lord Farquaad: I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have...
[gets eaten by Dragon]

[Thelonius dunks the Gingerbread Man in a glass of milk]
Lord Farquaad: That's enough! He's ready to talk.

Shrek 4-D (2003)
Ghost of Farquaad: You might as well stop struggling, Princess. Soon you and I will be together forever. With you as my spirit-queen, I'll be King of the Underworld.
Princess Fiona: Over my dead body.
Ghost of Farquaad: Exactly.