Garth Algar
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Quotes for
Garth Algar (Character)
from Wayne's World (1992)

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Wayne's World (1992)
Garth Algar: Benjamin is nobody's friend. If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he'd be pralines and dick.

Garth Algar: Hey Mr. Donut Man, who's trying to kill ya? I don't know but they better not!

Garth Algar: Uhm, Wayne? What do you do if every time you see this one incredible woman, you think you're gonna hurl?
Wayne Campbell: I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. But if you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.

Garth Algar: Did you ever see that "Twilight Zone" where the guy signed a contract and they cut out his tongue and put it in a jar and it wouldn't die, it just grew and pulsated and gave birth to baby tongues? Pretty cool, huh?

Benjamin: Wayne! Listen, we need to have a talk about Vanderhoff. The fact is he's the sponsor and you signed a contract guaranteeing him certain concessions, one of them being a spot on the show.
Wayne Campbell: [holding a Pizza Hut box] Well that's where I see things just a little differently. Contract or no, I will not bow to any sponsor.
Benjamin: I'm sorry you feel that way, but basically it's the nature of the beast.
Wayne Campbell: [holding a bag of Doritos] Maybe I'm wrong on this one, but for me, the beast doesn't include selling out. Garth, you know what I'm talking about, right?
Garth Algar: [wearing Reebok wardrobe] It's like people only do these things because they can get paid. And that's just really sad.
Wayne Campbell: I can't talk about it anymore; it's giving me a headache.
Garth Algar: Here, take two of these!
[Dumps two Nuprin pills into Wayne's hand]
Wayne Campbell: Ah, Nuprin. Little. Yellow. Different.
Benjamin: Look, you can stay here in the big leagues and play by the rules, or you can go back to the farm club in Aurora. It's your choice.
Wayne Campbell: [holding a can of Pepsi] Yes, and it's the choice of a new generation.

Wayne Campbell: No way!
Garth Algar: Way!

[last lines]
Cassandra: I love you, Wayne.
Wayne Campbell: I love you, Cassandra.
Dreamwoman: I love you, Garth.
Garth Algar: I love you, dreamwoman.
Noah Vanderhoff: You know, ever since I did your show, kids are looking at me in a whole new way.
Terry: I love you, man.
Russel: And I love you. Because I've learned that Platonic love *can* exist between two grown men.
Benjamin: And I've learned something, too. I've learned that a flawless profile, a perfect body, the right clothes, and a great car can get you far in America - almost to the top - but it can't get you everything.
Wayne Campbell: Isn't it great that we're all better people?
[beat]
Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar: FISHED IN!

Garth Algar: Ribbed for her pleasure. Ewww.

[Holds out a Dixie cup]
Garth Algar: Hey Phil, if you're gonna spew, spew into this.

Garth Algar: That bass player's a babe. She makes me feel kinda funny, like when we used to climb the rope in gym class.

[Talking about Claudia Schiffer]
Wayne Campbell: She's a babe.
Garth Algar: She's magically babelicious.
Wayne Campbell: She tested very high on the stroke-ability scale.

Benjamin: First, let me get this out of the way - I'm a big fan.
Garth Algar: You are?
Benjamin: The way I see it, your show is capable of so much more.
Garth Algar: Well, we'll try harder, OK? Just give us a second chance. Just don't go and cancel us without giving us a second chance.

Benjamin: Do you have a lawyer?
Wayne Campbell: Yes. Ahm, no. We're between lawyers right now. You see, our first lawyer screwed our affairs so bad.
Garth Algar: That's right. I walked right to that office - that's what I did - and I reached across that desk and I grabbed him by his big fat head and I said "Listen, man. I'm not going to jail for *you* or for anybody."

Terry: Wayne. Wayne. Garth told me about the show, man. I love you man.
Wayne Campbell: Yeah, and I love you too, Terry.
Terry: No, no, no. I mean it man. I LOVE you.
Wayne Campbell: No, I-I mean it. I love you.
Terry: No, you don't, man. I love you.
Wayne Campbell: [being hugged by Terry] Garth. Hey, come over here, I think Terry has something he wants to say to you.
Terry: I love you, man.
Garth Algar: Thank you.

[Wayne and Garth are lying on the hood of the mirth-mobile, staring at the starlit sky]
Garth Algar: Sometimes I wish I could boldly go where no man has gone before... but I'll probably stay in Aurora. What are you thinking about?
Wayne Campbell: Cassandra. She's a fox. In French, she would be called "la renarde" and she would be hunted with only her cunning to protect her.
Garth Algar: She's a babe.
Wayne Campbell: She's a robo-babe. In Latin, she would be called "babia majora".
Garth Algar: If she were a president, she would be Baberham Lincoln.
[a brief pause]
Garth Algar: Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played a girl bunny?
Wayne Campbell: No.
[cracks up laughing]
Wayne Campbell: No.
Garth Algar: Neither did I. I was just asking.

Garth Algar: Okay, pop quiz. Cassandra is not interested in Benjamin because... A: Chicks think he's handsome, B: has cool car, C: has lots of cash, D: has no visible scars, E: does not live with parents.
Wayne Campbell: Okay, how about, F: you're a gimp. You know what you can do with your pop quiz?
Garth Algar: Well, you know what you can do with your show? You can take a flying...
[a passing jet liner mutes out most of what he says]
Garth Algar: ...till the handle breaks off and you have to get a doctor to pull it out again!
Wayne Campbell: You kiss your mother with that mouth?

[Wayne opens a door to show a bunch of spies in training]
Garth Algar: What are you gonna do with these guys?
Wayne Campbell: Oh, nothing really. I just always wanted to open a door to room where people are being trained like in James Bond movies.

Garth Algar: OK... First I'll access the secret military spy satellite that's in a geosynchronous orbit over the Midwest. Then, I'll ID the limo by the vanity plate "MR. BIGGG" and get his approximate position. Then, I'll reposition the transmitter dish on the remote truck to 17.32 degrees east, hit WESTAR 4 over the Atlantic, bounce the signal down into the Azores, up to COMSAT 6, beam it back to SATCOM 2 transmitter number 137, and down on the dish on the back of Mr. Big's limo... It's almost too easy.

Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar: [to Alice Cooper] We're not worthy! We're not worthy!
Garth Algar: We're scum!
Wayne Campbell: We suck!

Garth Algar: Let me tell you something about women, Wayne. They want you to come get them. They LOVE it.

[after being stranded]
Garth Algar: I'm having a good time... *not*!

Garth Algar: Uh, Wayne?
Wayne Campbell: Yeah?
Garth Algar: Do you ever get the feeling Benjamin's just using us?
Wayne Campbell: Good call. It's like he wants us to be liked by everyone. I mean Led Zeppelin didn't write tunes everybody liked. They left that to the Bee Gees.

Benjamin Kane: So Garth, what do you think so far?
Garth Algar: [describing his feelings of the new set] It's like a new pair of underwear: At first, it's constrictive, but after awhile it becomes a part of you.
[the Vanderhoffs give him an odd look]

[Holding Claudia Schiffer picture]
Garth Algar: Hey, are you done yet? I'm getting tired of holding it.
Wayne Campbell: Yeah, that's what she said.

Garth Algar: [getting a suck-cut] Aaaahh! Turn it off man, turn it off! It's sucking my will to live! Oh, the humanity!

Stacy: Hi, Garth.
Garth Algar: Hi.
Stacy: I'm looking for Wayne. I'm very concerned about him; he seems to be going through a difficult phase right now, ya know. What do you think it is?
Garth Algar: That you're mental.
Stacy: You know him best, what do you think I should do?
Garth Algar: Just get over it and go out with somebody else.
Stacy: "Get over it go out with somebody else." Yeah, thanks, OK, great. Hi.

Garth Algar: [reading Benjamin's planner aloud] "Daily reminder, Thursday: Purchase feeble public access cable show and exploit it." Gee, I feel sorry for whoever *that* is.

Garth Algar: We fear change.

Wayne Campbell: Phil, what are you doing here? You're partied out, man. Again.
Garth Algar: What if he honks in the car?
Wayne Campbell: I'm giving you a no-honk guarantee.

[Garth plays an astonishing drum solo in the music store]
Guy: You are like... amazing... dude.
Garth Algar: Thanks. I like to play.

Garth Algar: We're looking down on Wayne's basement. Only that's not Wayne's basement. Isn't that weird?
Wayne Campbell: Yeah, that's weird, man, that's weird. Garth! That was a haiku!

Wayne Campbell: Kiss your mother with that mouth? I'm gettin' outta here, Damien!
Garth Algar: Fine then, go!
Wayne Campbell: I'm gone!
Garth Algar: Go then!
Wayne Campbell: But I am!
Garth Algar: Go!
Wayne Campbell: I'm Gone!
Garth Algar: Go then!
Wayne Campbell: But I am!

Wayne Campbell: Well, that's all the time we had for our movie. We hope you found it entertaining, whimsical and yet relevant, with an underlying revisionist conceit that belied the films emotional attachments to the subject matter.
Garth Algar: I just hoped you didn't think it sucked.

Wayne Campbell: [next to a Cop] I smell bacon. Does anyone else smell bacon?
Garth Algar: I definitely smell a pork product of some kind.

Garth Algar: [playing street hockey with Wayne and blocking a goal] Gretzky denied!

Garth Algar: [to camera] Hey, why is this guy being so nice to us?


Wayne's World 2 (1993)
Del Preston: Woodstock? That was quite a show, man.
Garth: You were at Woodstock?
Wayne: Excellent! What was it like?
Del Preston: It rained all morning, and then it cleared up in the afternoon. And that's it, I almost remembered something else, but it's gone.

Del Preston: Alright, ladies and gentlemen. It takes two people to run a concert: one back stage, and one out front. One man alone cannot do this. Wayne, you will run the backstage team. Milton, you are my liaison between Wayne's backstage team and Garth's front-stage team which includes myself in the booth. To the left and right of the stage are machine-gun pillboxes, M-60 Browning. Now these babies tend to heat up so shoot in 3 second bursts. In the event of capture I will personally distribute these cyanide capsules to be placed under the tongue like so.
[Places a capsule in his mouth]
Del Preston: Any questions?
Garth: Yes, I have a question. When did you turn into a nutbar?

Garth: So, did Jim Morrison give you Del Preston's exact address?
Wayne: Yeah, he said EXACTLY London, England.

Garth: Uh, Wayne, you know, I don't think you should mention that Jim Morrison thing anymore. It's just that people have started to talk, you know. They're saying things like, "Hey, there goes Garth and his friend Wayne... the psychopath."

Garth: How can you sleep like that?
Del Preston: Listen, sonny Jim. Sleeping like this will add ten years to your life. I learned it from Keith Richards when I toured with the Stones. This may be the reason why Keith cannot be killed by conventional weapons.

Honey Horne: So Garth, would you like to have dinner some night?
Garth: Oh, I like to have dinner every night.

Honey Horne: I bet you like to be in control...
Garth: Yes, like when I was 17, my sister wanted to loan my Def Leppard. I said "No way!".

Honey Horne: I'm goning to be frank.
Garth: OK. Can I still be Garth?

Honey Horne: Take me, Garth!
Garth: Where? I'm low on gas and you need a jacket.

Wayne: Excuse me, what are you guys doing here in the middle of the street?
Chicken-man: Well, I'm putting these chickens in crates, and stacking them right here. Jim's job is to make sure we always have plenty of watermelons.
Wayne: Oh, so you're selling watermelons.
Jim: No, no sir. We just have to make sure we have plenty of them stacked at all times, just like with these here chickens.
Garth: What do these guys do?
Chicken-man: Well, their job is to walk back and forth with this big plate-glass window every couple of minutes.
Garth: Weird.
Wayne: Yeah, you've got to wonder if this is gonna pay off later on.

Wayne: Here we are, at Piccadilly Circus!
Garth: Wow, what a shitty circus.
Wayne: Good call. There's no animals or clowns! What a ripoff!

Wayne: Where are you going?
Garth: Mikitas. Aren't you coming?
Wayne: No, I'll just embarrass you. I'll just stay here and lick the cat's butt.
Garth: Okay.

Garth: Wayne, we don't wanna end the movie this way, do we?
Wayne: Good call. Let's do the "Thelma and Louise" ending!

Concert Nerd #1: Aren't you those two guys from that TV show, Wayne's World?
Wayne: No.
Concert Nerd #2: Well, you guys sure look like them.
Garth: Look, if Wayne says we're not, we're not, okay?

Wayne: Garth, it's Heather Locklear. And she's signaling to us! There is a god!
Garth: Heather be thy name.
Wayne, Garth: Scwiiiiiiiiing!

Wayne: Okay, you've probably already noticed by now that we're on a little early tonight.
Garth: Usually at this time on Aurora cable, you're watching "Plant World".
Wayne: But they didn't want our 10:30 time slot. But we were able to talk "Plant World" into changing with "Cooking World".
Garth: Although they didn't want to change at first.
Wayne: But fortunately, "White Supremacy World" was cancelled, and all the trades worked out

Milton: I hate my father. I hate my life. But I feel great! You guys are great. I'm gonna go pick a fight.
Wayne: He's gotten a lot better.
Garth: Way better.

Jerry Segel: What? Is something wrong?
Wayne: What do you mean?
Jerry Segel: It's my eye, isn't it.
Garth: Why would we want to look at your eye? Is there something wrong with that... weird... eye?
Jerry Segel: There's nothing wrong with my eye. This one just has no pigment. I'm what you call a partial ocular albino, but I'm fine with it. I have perfect 20/20 vision with both eyes. You're serious about putting on a rock concert?
Wayne: Are you kidding? I'd give my right eye.
Jerry Segel: You realise there are certain jurisdictions you'll need to follow.
Garth: I'd like to think I have an eye for details.

Del Preston: Did he have a naked Indian?
Wayne: Yes.
Garth: Wow.
Del Preston: I have to ask, didn't you think it was a trifle unnecessary to see the crack in the indians bottom.
Wayne: Yes, absolutely
Del Preston: I had the same dream.

Garth: A *sphincter* says *what?*
Bobby Cahn: ...I'm supposed to say what... like I don't get it right?

Garth: Wow. Look at this scrapbook.
Wayne: Wow!
Garth: That's you with Led Zeppelin.
Del Preston: Yeh. My old lady put that together. We must've toured every concert hall and venue in America. Me, my old lady, and the road.
Wayne: Is that you and Bob Dylan? Who's that old lady?
Del Preston: That's my old lady.

Garth: Ok, we've had some word that there is some bad red rope licorice circulating in the crowd. Please stay away from the red rope licorice. Do not bite any off or chew it. It could cause a dental emergency...

Garth: [nervously;adressing crowd] ... We-Welcome to A-Aurora...
Guy in Crowd: [yells] Eat me!
Garth: ...not just a town, but a st-state of mind.

Garth: [the morning after Honey seduces Garth. Garth comes out of the bathroom holding a smoking pipe. He speaks with a posh British accent] Good morning, Darling! I trust you slept well? I hope I wasn't too much of an animal?
Honey Horne: [Honey wearing a white night dress raises her arms and holds grapes in her right hand] Come. Hold me.
Garth: You know I will.
[Garth puffs on his smoking pipe and blows bubbles]
Garth: Party on!

Honey Horne: Take me, Garth.
Garth: Where? I am low on gas and you need a jacket.
Honey Horne: I am gonna be frank.
Garth: Okay. Can I still be Garth?
Honey Horne: Shut up and kiss me!
Garth: [Honey pulls Garth towards her and kisses him. Garth is floating in the air. Honey lets go of Garth and Garth drops and hits the floor hard. Honey picks up Garth and carries him in her arms and carries him into the bedroom to have sex] Can I have some coco later?
[Garth hits his head and groans]


"Saturday Night Live: Ed O'Neill/Harry Connick Jr. (#15.10)" (1990)
Garth: I think I'm gonna hurl.
Wayne Campbell: Get a hold of yourself Garth - if you hurl and I get a whiff of it, I'll spew. And if I blow chunks the chances are other people are gonna honk.