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Quotes for
Jiminy Glick (Character)
from "Primetime Glick" (2001)

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Jiminy Glick in Lalawood (2004)
Jiminy Glick: If it's human waste, save some for me.

Jiminy Glick: [voiceover while interviewing Rob Lowe] Isn't it amazing, just 6 months ago, when I was talking to Arlene Shayhee, I was so bored. Here I am talking to Brat-packer Rob Lowe...
Rob Lowe: I... me... me... I... I... me... I...
Jiminy Glick: [voiceover] ... and I'm equally bored. What have I learned, I wonder. Ah yes, celebrities can be dull.

Jiminy Glick: I'm one of those guys that needs it regular, ya know? Sometimes Dixie's awake for it, most of the time she's not.
Ben DiCarlo: Ambien and some KY, right?
Jiminy Glick: HAH! Ambien and KY! You know, for the longest time I was taking the KY orally! It's not necessary!

Jiminy Glick: My, that's a nice beaver.
Dixie Glick: Why, thank you.
Jiminy Glick: [Jiminy points at a stuffed beaver] No.
Dixie Glick: Oh.
Jiminy Glick: Although yours is nicely... shaped.

Jiminy Glick: Oprah Winfrey, how do you do what you do so consistently?
Whoopi Goldberg: I stomp on everyone I can.
Jiminy Glick: And you're despised by so many. But not by me.
Whoopi Goldberg: I live for that. And remember to spell my name right. O-P-E-R-A.

Jiminy Glick: And you're Canadian, I hear. What's that about?
Kiefer Sutherland: Well this is a fantastic country. Uhm. What's that about?
Jiminy Glick: That was my question dear.
Kiefer Sutherland: I know. I'm trying to... I've never actually had to...
Jiminy Glick: Eventually the show will start. Don't you wanna just finally answer it?
Kiefer Sutherland: Yeah, what's that about? For me it's been a fantastic... it's where I come from, and it's um...
Jiminy Glick: What?
Kiefer Sutherland: Canada!
Jiminy Glick: You're Canadian? I didn't know that.
Kiefer Sutherland: Yes, it's true.

Jiminy Glick: [pointing at Toronto's C.N. Tower] That's a phallic-looking thing! Remind you of anybody?
Dixie Glick: No.

Jiminy Glick: The film, "Growing up Gandhi", ha! I loved it, as I said in my review. It's really going to be a huge success.
Ben DiCarlo: Yeah.
Jiminy Glick: And he was... Persian?
Ben DiCarlo: Indian.
Jiminy Glick: [annoyed expression] Beh. He was not "from here".

Jiminy Glick: [one of the outtakes] And you were a cheerleader.
Steve Martin: I was, in high school.
Jiminy Glick: [effeminate tone] Yoo-hoo!
[normal voice]
Jiminy Glick: Ha ha! Everyone must've stared at ya! Talk about bein' gay!
[Steve cracks up]
Jiminy Glick: What was that about? Why wouldn't you join the team, like normal fellas? Why would you wanna get the pom-poms and go and be like a big silly "Yoo-hoo!"?


"Primetime Glick: Molly Shannon/Nathan Lane (#1.5)" (2001)
Jiminy Glick: What was "The Lion King"? Everyone talked about it. I never saw it. What was that about?
Nathan Lane: Well, it was an animated film.
Jiminy Glick: An animated film.
Nathan Lane: For Disney, that did play well.
Jiminy Glick: And you played a king?
Nathan Lane: No, I played a meerkat.
Jiminy Glick: [delighted] A meerkat!
Nathan Lane: Yeah.
Jiminy Glick: Is it a method approach, is it like a Bobby DeNiro where you're, the whole day, a meerkat, or are you just, when they rattle the money in front of you?
Nathan Lane: [laughs] Well, I never saw Disney rattling any money.
Jiminy Glick: Oh, because they're cheap!
Nathan Lane: Yeah. You got it.

Jiminy Glick: What about, you worked with that one famous drunk...
Nathan Lane: You're sweating a little. Is that sweat?
Jiminy Glick: [touches face with hand] No no, oh yeah... no, that's not sweat.
Nathan Lane: [laughs] Okay.
Jiminy Glick: You worked with that one famous drunk actor, with the three, with the initials. What's his name? I'm always forgetting his name. Drunky.
Nathan Lane: Uh, there's been so many.
Jiminy Glick: Oh, George C. Scott. That's it.
Nathan Lane: Oh! Pfft... Well he was...
[laughs hard]
Jiminy Glick: Was he swerving on the stage all the time?
Nathan Lane: [still laughing] No.
Jiminy Glick: Spewin' old booze from his breath?
Nathan Lane: He was...
[laughs even more]
Jiminy Glick: What was that like?
Nathan Lane: He was very kind to me.
Jiminy Glick: Very kind to you.
Nathan Lane: He did occasionally have a drink, but not ON stage.
Jiminy Glick: I bet he had it in a little flask he hid. How come we don't hear from him so much?
Nathan Lane: Well, he, unfortunately, he passed away.
Jiminy Glick: [surprised] No!
Nathan Lane: You didn't get the memo?
Jiminy Glick: I didn't get the memo!


"Primetime Glick: Tim Allen/Edie Falco (#2.7)" (2002)
Jiminy Glick: I remember exactly where I was when I heard that Tommy Lee and Pam had split up. And you don't know who to believe in anymore. It's like when I just heard that Tyson had split up, that seemed sad too.
Edie Falco: Tyson split up with who?
Jiminy Glick: Ssssh! I've got more questions!
Edie Falco: Sorry.
Jiminy Glick: [long pause as Jiminy stares at her] If you keep interrupting me, when I have more questions, how can I possibly double task? I can't double task. You expect too much from me, girl!
[another long pause]
Jiminy Glick: I don't mean to get heavy, and I know you're my guest, but that's wrong. And I want you to talk to your psychic or shrink or to your God, God forbid you should go to church, and question why would interrupt me. Thank you very much.

Jiminy Glick: So the Italian people... how come they pretend not to be killers so much?
Edie Falco: [confused] "How come they pretend not to be killers... so much? How come they pretend not to be killers so much?"
Jiminy Glick: Any thoughts?
Edie Falco: No.


"Primetime Glick: Rob Lowe/Billy Crystal (#1.3)" (2001)
Jiminy Glick: You know, many people felt that being from the South, you've gotta lose it. The wonderful Ava Gardner had a Southern accent, and she was told to lose it, too. And she was always drinking, even then. But she was a man's woman, and I think that she broke Frank Sinatra's heart and I don't think he ever recovered. I think Mia Farrow was a bandage, and I think that Juliet Prowse was a fake, and I think that Barbara Sinatra could be mean to the people that she didn't like and nice to the people that she liked. What is your opinion of Barbara Sinatra?

Jiminy Glick: Marvin Hamlisch: I don't think he should wear jeans anymore.
Billy Crystal: [laughs] Really?


"Primetime Glick: George Wendt/Chevy Chase (#1.10)" (2001)
Jiminy Glick: Before you go, do a little Jiminy Cricket for us.
Chevy Chase: Boy, I haven't been asked to do that in a long time. Are you ready?
Jiminy Glick: Well, after we see it, we'll know why.


"Primetime Glick: Tom Hanks/Ben Stiller (#2.1)" (2002)
Jiminy Glick: You were on "SNL". Oh, I loved you, I loved your character, "That's the ticket!" That was wonderful! You were wonderful on that show!
Ben Stiller: That was Jon Lovitz. I, uh, I wasn't really there for that long. I was only there for about five weeks.
Jiminy Glick: You failed.
Ben Stiller: I left.
Jiminy Glick: You were no good on it.
Ben Stiller: I couldn't figure out how to make it work for me.
Jiminy Glick: Well why didn't you just write some sketches and come up with some characters, slick the hair back and get a laugh? Was that too tricky for ya?
Ben Stiller: I was young, I was inexperienced, I was trying to find my way.
Jiminy Glick: And because you were Jerry Stiller's son, that carried a lot of weight on you.
Ben Stiller: There was a certain expectation, maybe.
Jiminy Glick: And you weren't delivering, because he used to be funny, and he would always get the laughs, and your mother and father are so gifted. So when you went out there, I would imagine it just BOMBED and bored people so desperately, it made people feel like maybe you shouldn't hang around.


"Primetime Glick: Andy Richter/Alec Baldwin (#2.6)" (2002)
Jiminy Glick: Let's talk about some of the leading ladies you've had. And when I say "had", I mean had!
Alec Baldwin: You devil.
Jiminy Glick: Geena Davis.
Alec Baldwin: Had her.
Jiminy Glick: You made love with Geena Davis?
Alec Baldwin: Yeah.
Jiminy Glick: Meg Ryan.
Alec Baldwin: She couldn't get enough of it.
Jiminy Glick: Nicki Kedman.
[Nicole Kidman]
Alec Baldwin: Just... unbelievable, man.
Jiminy Glick: You...
[shuffles in his chair]
Jiminy Glick: You had... You had an affair with...
Alec Baldwin: I did 'em all, yes.
Jiminy Glick: Sarah Jessica Parker.
Alec Baldwin: What do you do? She comes to your apartment at 3 o'clock in the morning after she wraps the friggin' TV show, she's like, you know...
[knocks]
Jiminy Glick: But she's with Matthew Broderick of "The Producers"!
Alec Baldwin: Come on, get serious.
Jiminy Glick: Every one of these wonderful ladies.
Alec Baldwin: The '90s were good, the '90s were real good.
Jiminy Glick: Dame Maggie Smith.
Alec Baldwin: It was just a... a thing in the back of a car with an overcoat over my lap, and this whole kind of thing.
Jiminy Glick: Dianne Feinstein.
Alec Baldwin: She liked to watch. I was with Barbara Boxer. Well, Feinstein came up to me, she had a few, and said "Would you, um, would you like to do Barbara? And would you mind if I watched?" And I said, "Whatever blows your dress up, let's go."