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: We still goin' fishin' this weekend? Peter Gibbons
: Nah, Lumbergh's gonna have me come in on Saturday, I just know it. Lawrence
: Well, you can get out of that easily. Peter Gibbons
: Yeah? How? Lawrence
: Well, when a boss wants you to work on Saturday he generally asks you at the end of the day, right? Peter Gibbons
: Yeah. Lawrence
: So, all you gotta do is avoid him... on the last few hours on Friday, duck out early, turn off your answering machine... you should be home free, man. Peter Gibbons
: That's a really good idea. Lawrence
: Fuckin' A, man!
: Hi, Peter. What's happening? We need to talk about your TPS reports. Peter Gibbons
: Yeah. The coversheet. I know, I know. Uh, Bill talked to me about it. Dom Portwood
: Yeah. Did you get that memo? Peter Gibbons
: Yeah. I got the memo. And I understand the policy. And the problem is just that I forgot the one time. And I've already taken care of it so it's not even really a problem anymore. Dom Portwood
: Ah! Yeah. It's just we're putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports before they go out now. So if you could go ahead and try to remember to do that from now on, that'd be great. All right!
: Would you bear with me for just a second, please? Peter Gibbons
: OK. Bob Slydell
: What if - and believe me this is a hypothetical - but what if you were offered some kind of a stock option equity sharing program. Would that do anything for you? Peter Gibbons
: I don't know, I guess. Listen, I'm gonna go. It's been really nice talking to both of you guys. Bob Slydell
: Absolutely, the pleasure's all on this side of the table, trust me. Peter Gibbons
: Good luck with your layoffs, all right? I hope your firings go really well. Bob Porter
: Excellent. Bob Slydell
: Great... Wow.
: [about the plan to steal from Initech
] Before we go any further, all right, we have to swear to God, Allah, that nobody knows about this but us, all right? No family members, no girlfriends, nobody. Samir
: Of course. Michael Bolton
: Agreed, Lawrence
: [from the next apartment through the wall
] Don't worry, man. I won't tell anyone either. Michael Bolton
: Who the fuck is that? Peter Gibbons
: Uh, don't worry about him. He's cool.
[Peter and Lawrence are working on the crew cleaning up the burned Initech building
] Peter Gibbons
: This isn't so bad, huh? Makin' bucks, gettin' exercise, workin' outside. Lawrence
: Fuckin' A. Peter Gibbons
] Fuckin' A.
[Peter, Michael, and Samir are chatting as they hang around the printer
] Peter Gibbons
: Our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you'd do if you had a million dollars and you didn't have to work. And invariably what you'd say was supposed to be your career. So, if you wanted to fix old cars then you're supposed to be an auto mechanic. Samir
: So what did you say? Peter Gibbons
: I never had an answer. I guess that's why I'm working at Initech. Michael Bolton
: No, you're working at Initech because that question is bullshit to begin with. If everyone listened to her, there'd be no janitors, because no one would clean shit up if they had a million dollars. Samir
: You know what I would do if I had a million dollars? I would invest half of it in low risk mutual funds and then take the other half over to my friend Asadulah who works in securities... Michael Bolton
: Samir, you're missing the point. The point of the exercise is that you're supposed to figure out what you would want to do if...
[printer starts beeping
] Michael Bolton
: "PC Load Letter"? What the fuck does that mean?
: The thing is, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care. Bob Porter
: Don't... don't care? Peter Gibbons
: It's a problem of motivation, all right? Now if I work my ass off and Initech ships a few extra units, I don't see another dime, so where's the motivation? And here's something else, Bob: I have eight different bosses right now. Bob Slydell
: I beg your pardon? Peter Gibbons
: Eight bosses. Bob Slydell
: Eight? Peter Gibbons
: Eight, Bob. So that means that when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That's my only real motivation is not to be hassled, that and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired.
: How dare you judge me? I mean what are you? You think you're some kind of, like, angel here? No, you're just this penny-stealing... wanna-be criminal... man. Peter Gibbons
: Yeah, well, that may be. But at least I never slept with Lumbergh.
: What would you do if you had a million dollars? Lawrence
: I'll tell you what I'd do, man: two chicks at the same time, man. Peter Gibbons
: That's it? If you had a million dollars, you'd do two chicks at the same time? Lawrence
: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up, too; 'cause chicks dig dudes with money. Peter Gibbons
: Well, not all chicks. Lawrence
: Well, the type of chicks that'd double up on a dude like me do. Peter Gibbons
: Good point. Lawrence
: Well, what about you now? What would you do? Peter Gibbons
: Besides two chicks at the same time? Lawrence
: Well, yeah. Peter Gibbons
: Nothing. Lawrence
: Nothing, huh? Peter Gibbons
: I would relax... I would sit on my ass all day... I would do nothing. Lawrence
: Well, you don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Take a look at my cousin: he's broke, don't do shit.
: So, where do you work, Peter? Peter Gibbons
: Initech. Joanna
: In... yeah, what do you do there? Peter Gibbons
: I sit in a cubicle and I update bank software for the 2000 switch. Joanna
: What's that? Peter Gibbons
: Well see, they wrote all this bank software, and, uh, to save space, they used two digits for the date instead of four. So, like, 98 instead of 1998? Uh, so I go through these thousands of lines of code and, uh... it doesn't really matter. I uh, I don't like my job, and, uh, I don't think I'm gonna go anymore. Joanna
: You're just not gonna go? Peter Gibbons
: Yeah. Joanna
: Won't you get fired? Peter Gibbons
: I don't know, but I really don't like it, and, uh, I'm not gonna go. Joanna
: So you're gonna quit? Peter Gibbons
: Nuh-uh. Not really. Uh... I'm just gonna stop going. Joanna
: When did you decide all that? Peter Gibbons
: About an hour ago. Joanna
: Oh, really? About an hour ago... so you're gonna get another job? Peter Gibbons
: I don't think I'd like another job. Joanna
: Well, what are you going to do about money and bills and... Peter Gibbons
: You know, I've never really liked paying bills. I don't think I'm gonna do that, either. Joanna
: Well, so what do you wanna do? Peter Gibbons
: I wanna take you out to dinner, and then I wanna go back to my apartment and watch 'Kung Fu'. Do you ever watch 'Kung Fu'? Joanna
: I love 'Kung Fu'. Peter Gibbons
: Channel 39. Joanna
: Totally. Peter Gibbons
: You should come over and watch 'Kung Fu' tonight. Joanna
: Ok. Can we order lunch first?
[Peter nods again
: You see, what we're actually trying to do here is, we're trying to get a feel for how people spend their day at work... so, if you would, would you walk us through a typical day, for you? Peter Gibbons
: Yeah. Bob Slydell
: Great. Peter Gibbons
: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door - that way Lumbergh can't see me, heh heh - and, uh, after that I just sorta space out for about an hour. Bob Porter
: Da-uh? Space out? Peter Gibbons
: Yeah, I just stare at my desk; but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch, too. I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.
: Lawrence, you awake? Lawrence
: Yeah. Peter Gibbons
: You wanna come over? Lawrence
: No, thanks, man. I don't want you fucking up my life, too.
: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life. Dr. Swanson
: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life? Peter Gibbons
: Yeah. Dr. Swanson
: Wow, that's messed up.
: Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately. Peter Gibbons
: I wouldn't say I've been *missing* it, Bob.
: You're gonna lay off Samir and Michael? Bob Slydell
: Oh yeah, we're gonna bring in some entry-level graduates, farm some work out to Singapore, that's the usual deal. Bob Porter
: Standard operating procedure. Peter Gibbons
: Do they know this yet? Bob Slydell
: No. No, of course not. We find it's always better to fire people on a Friday. Studies have statistically shown that there's less chance of an incident if you do it at the end of the week.
: What am I gonna do with 40 subscriptions to Vibe?
: I dunno, it just seems wrong. Peter Gibbons
: It's NOT wrong. INITECH is wrong. INITECH is an evil corporation, all right? Chochkies is wrong. Doesn't it bother you that you have to get up in the morning and you have to put on a bunch of pieces of flair? Joanna
: Yeah, but I'm not about to go in and start taking money from the register. Peter Gibbons
: Well, maybe you should. You know, the Nazis had pieces of flair that they made the Jews wear. Joanna
: Peter, you're in deep shit. You were supposed to come in on Saturday. What were you doing? Peter Gibbons
: Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything that I thought it could be.
: I can't believe what a bunch of nerds we are. We're looking up "money laundering" in a dictionary.
: Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday and you're not feeling real well, does anyone ever say to you, "Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays?" Lawrence
: No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man.
: Samir and I are the best programmers they got at that place. You haven't been showing up and you get to keep your job. Peter Gibbons
: Actually, I'm being promoted.
: You think the pet rock was a really great idea? Tom Smykowski
: Sure it was. The guy made a million dollars. You know, I had an idea like that once. A long time ago. Peter Gibbons
: Really, what was it, Tom? Tom Smykowski
: Well, all right. It was a "Jump to Conclusions" mat. You see, it would be this mat that you would put on the floor, and it would have different conclusions written on it that you could jump to.
: Doesn't that chick look like Anne? Peter Gibbons
: Yeah, a little bit... Lawrence
: Hey, she hasn't been over here in a while. You two still goin' out? Peter Gibbons
: Yeah. I guess... I don't know. Sometimes I get the feeling like she's cheating on me. Lawrence
: Yeah, I get that feeling too, man. Peter Gibbons
: What do you mean by that? Lawrence
: I don't know, man. I just get that feeling lookin' at her like she's the type of chick that just...
: Look, I don't know about you guys, but I'm tired of being pushed around. Aren't you? Samir
: Yes, Peter, but I'm not going to do anything illegal. Peter Gibbons
: Illegal? Samir, this is America.
: Um, the 7-Eleven, right? You take a penny from the tray. Joanna
: From the crippled children? Peter Gibbons
: No, that's the jar. I'm talking about the tray, the pennies for everybody.
: So you guys are gonna fire Mike and Samir, and you're gonna give *me* more money? Bob Porter
] Uh-huh. Peter Gibbons
: Boy, I'll tell ya, some days... One of these days it's just gonna be like...
[He mimics the sound of a machine gun. Brian, a waiter, walks up and does the same and laughs
] Brian, Chotchkie's Waiter
: So can I get you gentlemen something more to drink? Or maybe something to nibble on? Some Pizza Shooters, Shrimp Poppers, or Extreme Fajitas? Peter Gibbons
: Just coffee. Brian, Chotchkie's Waiter
: Okay. Sounds like a case of the Mondays.
: Why don't you just call me when you grow up! Oh, wait, you know what, that's probably never gonna happen, so just don't call me, OK?
[Joanna starts to close car door
] Peter Gibbons
: Say hello to Lumbergh for me!
: [trying to decide if he should go along with the virus plot
] I have a question. Peter Gibbons
: Yes? Samir
: In... in these conjugal visits, you can have sex with women? Peter Gibbons
: Yep, you sure can. Samir
: OK, I'll do it.
[Peter is wearing shorts, sandals and a paisley shirt, with his feet up on his desk, munching chips and playing tetris on his computer
] Bill Lumbergh
: So, Peter, what's happening? Aahh, now, are you going to go ahead and have those TPS reports for us this afternoon? Peter Gibbons
: No. Bill Lumbergh
: Ah. Yeah. So I guess we should probably go ahead and have a little talk. Hmm? Peter Gibbons
: Not right now, Lumbergh, I'm kinda busy. In fact, look, I'm gonna have to ask you to just go ahead and come back another time. I got a meeting with the Bobs in a couple of minutes. Bill Lumbergh
: I wasn't aware of a meeting with them. Peter Gibbons
: Yeah, they called me at home.
: It's not just about me and my dream of doing nothing. It's about all of us. I don't know what happened to me at that hypnotherapist and, I don't know, maybe it was just shock and it's wearing off now, but when I saw that fat man keel over and die - Michael, we don't have a lot of time on this earth! We weren't meant to spend it this way. Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about about mission statements. Michael Bolton
: I told those fudge-packers I liked Michael Bolton's music. Peter Gibbons
: Oh. That is not right, Michael.
: Is there some way to just give the money back? Peter Gibbons
: What? You mean just hand them a check for the exact amount they're missing? I think they'd figure that out.
: You know, corporate accounting is sure as hell gonna notice $305,326.13, Michael!
: Hey, guys. Michael Bolton
: What's up, G? Peter Gibbons
: Want to go to Chotchkie's? Get some coffee? Samir
: Oh, it's a little early. Peter Gibbons
: I gotta get outta here. I think I'm gonna lose it. Female Temp
: Uh-oh. Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays.
: [discussing the possibility of going to prison
] This isn't Riyadh. You know they're not gonna saw your hands off here, alright? The worst they would ever do is they would put you for a couple of months into a white-collar, minimum-security resort! Shit, we should be so lucky! Do you know, they have conjugal visits there? Samir
: Really? Peter Gibbons
: Yes. Michael Bolton
: Shit. I'm a free man and I haven't had a conjugal visit in six months.
: That's what I'm talkin' about when I talk about America!
: I lied. Um... All that stuff I said about being a crack head? It just helps me sell magazines. I'm actually an unemployed... software engineer. Peter Gibbons
: You're a software engineer? Steve
: Things, uh... it must be very rough for you. Steve
: Actually man, I make more money selling magazine subscriptions, than I ever did at Intertrode!
: Hey, isn't that the girl that works over at Chotchkie's? Peter Gibbons
: Yeah. Drew
: Hmmm. Who's SHE here with? Peter Gibbons
: She's with me. Drew
: Really? Peter Gibbons
: Yeah. Drew
: All right, Peter! Ooh! Ooh! Right on... Make sure you wear a rubber, dude. Peter Gibbons
: Why is that, Drew? Drew
: Are you kidding me? She gets around. All right? Peter Gibbons
: She does, does she? Drew
: Oh, yeah. Like a record. Peter Gibbons
: Like, with who? Drew
: Oh, let's see, uh... Hell, Lumbergh fucked her. Ha ha ha. Oh, let me see who else...
: [talking about the hypnotherapist he's about to see
] Hey, he helped Anne lose weight. Samir
: Peter, she's anorexic! Peter Gibbons
: Yeah, the guy's really good.
: What if we're still doing this when we're fifty? Samir
: It would be nice to have that kind of job security.
: [Explaining the plan
] Alright so when the sub routine compounds the interest is uses all these extra decimal places that just get rounded off. So we simplified the whole thing, we rounded them all down, drop the remainder into an account we opened. Joanna
] So you're stealing? Peter Gibbons
: Ah no, you don't understand. It's very complicated. It's uh it's aggregate, so I'm talking about fractions of a penny here. And over time they add up to a lot. Joanna
: Oh okay. So you're gonna be making a lot of money, right? Peter Gibbons
: Yeah. Joanna
: Right. It's not yours? Peter Gibbons
: Well it becomes ours. Joanna
: How is that not stealing? Peter Gibbons
] I don't think I'm explaining this very well. Joanna
: Okay. Peter Gibbons
: Um... the 7-11. You take a penny from the tray, right? Joanna
: From the cripple children? Peter Gibbons
: No that's the jar. I'm talking about the tray. You know the pennies that are for everybody? Joanna
: Oh for everybody. Okay. Peter Gibbons
: Well those are whole pennies, right? I'm just talking about fractions of a penny here. But we do it from a much bigger tray and we do it a couple a million times.
: Yeah, I know him. I know him! He's my boss! He's my unholy, disgusting pig of a boss! Joanna
: He's not THAT disgusting. Peter Gibbons
: He represents all that is soulless and wrong! And you slept with him!