Elwood Blues
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Quotes for
Elwood Blues (Character)
from The Blues Brothers (1980)

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The Blues Brothers (1980)
[Sister Mary Stigmata hits Elwood with her stick]
Elwood: Ow, you fat penguin!

Mrs. Murphy: May I help you boys?
Elwood: You got any white bread?
Mrs. Murphy: Yes.
Elwood: I'll have some toasted white bread please.
Mrs. Murphy: You want butter or jam on that toast, honey?
Elwood: No ma'am, dry.
[Mrs. Murphy gives him a look, then turns to Jake]
Jake: Got any fried chicken?
Mrs. Murphy: Best damn chicken in the state.
Jake: Bring me four fried chickens and a Coke.
Mrs. Murphy: You want chicken wings or chicken legs?
Jake: Four fried chickens and a Coke.
Elwood: And some dry white toast please.
Mrs. Murphy: Y'all want anything to drink with that?
Elwood: No ma'am.
Jake: A Coke.
Mrs. Murphy: Be up in a minute

Elwood: Illinois Nazis.
Jake: I hate Illinois Nazis.

Elwood: The light was yellow, sir.

[Elwood Blues Jake Blues has a fight over the police car Elwood Blues got after he traded away the original bluesmobile for a microphone]
Elwood: You don't like it?
Jake: No I don't like it...
[Elwood Blues floors the pedal and jumps over an open drawbridge]
Jake: Car's got a lot of pickup.
Elwood: It's got a cop motor, a 440 cubic inch plant, it's got cop tires, cop suspensions, cop shocks. It's a model made before catalytic converters so it'll run good on regular gas. What do you say, is it the new Bluesmobile or what?
[a brief thinking pause while Jake attempts to light a cigarette]
Jake: Fix the cigarette lighter.

[while standing at the entrance to the Triple Rock church watching the service with much dancing and Hallelujah choruses, a heavenly light shines down on Jake and he has an epiphany]
Jake: The band? The band.
Reverend Cleophus James: DO YOU SEE THE LIGHT?
Jake: THE BAND!
Reverend Cleophus James: DO YOU SEE THE LIGHT?
Elwood: What light?
Reverend Cleophus James: HAVE YOU SEEEEN THE LIGHT?
Jake: YES! YES! JESUS H. TAP-DANCING CHRIST... I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT!

Reverend Cleophus James: Praise God!
Elwood: And God bless the United States of America!

Jake: How often does the train go by?
Elwood: So often that you won't even notice it.

Elwood: Oh no.
Jake: What the fuck was that?
Elwood: The motor. We've thrown a rod.
Jake: Is that serious?
Elwood: Yup.

Mrs. Tarantino: Are you the police?
Elwood: No, ma'am. We're musicians.

[after a burst of gunfire from the Mystery Woman, Jake climbs to his feet, covered in mud from the tunnel floor]
Jake: It's good to see you, sweetheart.
Mystery Woman: You contemptible pig! I remained celibate for you. I stood at the back of a cathedral, waiting, in celibacy, for you, with three hundred friends and relatives in attendance. My uncle hired the best Romanian caterers in the state. To obtain the seven limousines for the wedding party, my father used up his last favor with Mad Pete Trullo. So for me, for my mother, my grandmother, my father, my uncle, and for the common good, I must now kill you, and your brother.
[Jake falls to his knees]
Jake: Oh, please, don't kill us! Please, please don't kill us! You know I love you baby. I wouldn't leave ya. It wasn't my fault!
Mystery Woman: You miserable slug! You think you can talk your way out of this? You betrayed me.
Jake: No, I didn't. Honest... I ran out of gas. I... I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locusts! IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD!
[Elwood covers his head in anticipation of more gunfire, Jake removes his sunglasses to make a wordless appeal, and the Mystery Woman visibly softens]
Mystery Woman: Oh, Jake... Jake, honey...
[Jake embraces the Mystery Woman and they kiss]
Jake: [to Elwood] Let's go.
[He drops the Mystery Woman and walks off]
Elwood: [to the Mystery Woman as he steps past her] Take it easy.

Jake: [to Sister Mary Stigmata] Five grand? No problem, we'll have it for you in the morning. Let's go, Elwood.
Sister Mary Stigmata: No, no! I will not take your filthy stolen money!
Jake: Well then... I guess you're really up Shit Creek.
[Sister Mary Stigmata hits Jake Blues with a ruler for using that kind of language]
Sister Mary Stigmata: I beg your pardon, what did you say?
Jake: I offered to help you... You refused to take our money. Then I said: I guess you're really up Shit Creek!
[Sister Mary Stigmata hits Jake Blues with the ruler again]
Elwood: Christ, Jake. Take it easy man.
[Sister Mary Stigmata hits Elwood Blues]
Jake: Oh shit!
[Sister Mary Stigmata hits Jake Blues]
Elwood: Jesus Christ!
[Sister Mary Stigmata hits Elwood Blues]
Jake: Shit!

Jake: We'll put the band back together, do a few gigs, we get some bread. Bang! Five thousand bucks.
Elwood: Yeah, well, getting the band back together might not that be that easy, Jake.
Jake: What are you talking about?
Elwood: They split, they all took straight jobs.
Jake: Yeah, so you know where they are. You said you were gonna keep in touch with them.
Elwood: Well... I got a couple of leads, a few phone numbers, but I mean, how many of them visited or even wrote you, huh?
Jake: They're not the kinda guys who write letters. You were outside, I was inside. You were supposed to keep in touch with the band. I kept asking you if we were gonna play again.
Elwood: Well, what was I gonna do? Take away your only hope? Take away the very thing that kept you going in there? I took the liberty of bullshitting you, okay?
Jake: You lied to me.
Elwood: It wasn't a lie, it was just bullshit.

[Elwood Blues has just passed on a red light, and a police car rolls up behind them. The words are said in the same rhythm as a blues song ("Soothe Me") on the car stereo]
Elwood: Shit.
Jake: What?
Elwood: Rollers...
Jake: No.
Elwood: Yeah.
Jake: Shit.

Elwood: Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail me now.

Jake: First you traded the Cadillac in for a microphone. Then you lied to me about the band. And now you're gonna put me right back in the joint!
Elwood: They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God.

[while they are driving around in the shopping mall with 2 police cars on their tail]
Elwood: Baby clothes...
Jake: This place has got everything.

[repeated line]
Elwood: We're on a mission from God.

Mrs. Murphy: Don't you "Don't get riled, sugar" me! You ain't goin' back on the road no more, and you ain't playin' them ol' two-bit sleazy dives. You're livin' with me now, and you not gonna go slidin' around witcho ol' white hoodlum friends.
Matt Murphy: But babes, this is Jake and Elwood, the Blues Brothers.
Mrs. Murphy: The Blues Brothers? Shit! They still owe you money, fool.
Jake: Ma'am, would it make you feel any better if you knew that what we're asking Matt here to do is a holy thing?
Elwood: You see, we're on a mission from God.
Mrs. Murphy: Don't you blaspheme in here! Don't you blaspheme in here! This is my man, this is my restaurant, and you two are just gonna walk right out that door without your dry white toast, without your four fried chickens, and without Matt 'Guitar' Murphy!

Elwood: What kind of music do you usually have here?
Claire: Oh, we got both kinds. We got country *and* western.

Jake: Book us for tomorrow night.
Maury Sline: Hold it, hold it. Tomorrow night? What are you talking about? A gig like that, you gotta prepare the proper exploitation.
Elwood: I know all about that stuff. I have been exploited all my life.

Elwood: It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark... and we're wearing sunglasses.
Jake: Hit it.

Elwood: [after crashing the Bluesmobile in a car dealership] The new Oldsmobiles are in early this year!

Elwood: This is definitely Lower Wacker Drive! If my estimations are correct, we should be very close to the Honorable Richard J. Daley Plaza!
Jake: That's where they got that Picasso.
Elwood: Yep.

Elwood: Hey, Jake. Jake. I gotta pull over.
[he drives the Bluesmobile off the road, right through a guardrail]

Elwood: [Police have surrounded the Blues Brothers concert] ... And we would especially like to welcome all the representatives of Illinois's law enforcement community that have chosen to join us here in the Palace Hotel Ballroom at this time...

[Carrie flame throws a propane tank next to a phone booth they are in - it blows sky high and crashes down to earth - the phone breaking in half]
Elwood: Hey, Jake. Gotta be at least seven dollars worth of change here.

Elwood: I bet these cops got SCMODS.
Jake: SCMODS?
Elwood: State County Municipal Offender Data System.

Elwood: You want I should wash the dead bugs off the windshield?

Elwood: You on the motorcycle... You two girls... tell your friends.

Jake: How are you gonna get the band back together, Mr. Hot Rodder? Those cops have your name, your address...
Elwood: They don't have my address. I falsified my renewal. I put down 1060 West Addison.
Jake: 1060 West Addison? That's Wrigley Field.

Elwood: This is glue. Strong stuff.

Elwood's Boss: [deleted scene] Hello Elwood, sit down. What's on your mind?
Elwood: I gotta quit.
Elwood's Boss: Why is that, Elwood?
Elwood: I'm... I'm going to become a priest.
Elwood's Boss: Well okay! Listen I'll call payroll and have them get your severance pay ready.
[they rise and shake hands]
Elwood: God bless you, sir.

[Camille has fired a machine gun at Jake and Elwood]
Elwood: Who *is* that girl?

[the brothers race around the mall parking lot]
Elwood: We'll be all right if we can just get back on the expressway.
Jake: This don't look like no expressway to me!
Elwood: Don't yell at me.
Jake: Well whadda you want me to do, Motorhead?
Elwood: Try not to be so negative all the time. Why don't you offer a little... constructive criticism?
Jake: You got us into to this parking lot, pal. Now you get us out!
Elwood: You want outta this parking lot?... O.K.

[Arriving at the Orphanage]
Jake: What are we doing here?
Elwood: You promised you'd visit the penguin the day you got out.
Jake: Yeah? So I lied to her.
Elwood: You can't lie to a nun. We got to go in and visit the penguin.
Jake: No... fucking... way.

Elwood: [during "Everybody Needs Somebody to Love"] People, when you do find that special somebody, you gotta hold that man, hold that woman! Love him, please him, squeeze her, please her! Signify your feelings with every gentle caress, because it's so important to have that special somebody to hold, to kiss, to miss, to squeeze, and please!

Jake: Disco pants and haircuts...
Elwood: Yeah, lots of space in this mall.

Jake: What's this?
Elwood: What?
Jake: This car. This stupid car! Where's the Cadillac?
[Elwood doesn't answer]
Jake: The Caddy! Where's the Caddy?
Elwood: The what?
Jake: The Cadillac we used to have. The Bluesmobile!
Elwood: I traded it.
Jake: You traded the Bluesmobile for this?
Elwood: No, for a microphone.
Jake: A microphone?
[pause]
Jake: Okay I can see that. What the hell is this?
Elwood: This was a bargain. I picked it up at the Mount Prospect city police auction last spring. It's an old Mount Prospect police car. They were practically giving 'em away.
Jake: Well thank you, pal. The day I get outta prison, my own brother picks me up in a *police* car!

Elwood: Hey you sleaze, my bed!

Elwood: Tonight only, the fabulous Blues Brothers. Rhythm and Blues review. The Palace Hotel Ballroom. Route 16. Lake Wazzapamani. The fabulous Blues Brothers show band and review.

[last lines]
Cook County Assessor's Office Clerk: Can I help you?
[the brothers back him up and lift him onto the counter]
Jake: This is where they pay the taxes, right?
Cook County Assessor's Office Clerk: Right.
Elwood: This money is for the year's assessment of Saint Helen of the Blessed Shroud Orphanage in Calumet City, Illinois.
Jake: 5,000 bucks, it's all there pal...

Elwood: [the Mystery Woman sprays the tunnel with gunfire as Jake and Elwood dive for the ground] Who *is* that girl?
Mystery Woman: Well Jake, you look just fine down there, slithering in the mud like vermin.
Jake: [makes a reassuring gesture to Elwood] No problem.

Jake: We're putting the band back together.
Mr. Fabulous: Forget it. No way.
Elwood: We're on a mission from God.

Elwood: We're so glad to see so many of you lovely people here tonight. And we would especially like to welcome all the representatives of Illinois's law enforcement community that have chosen to join us here in the Palace Hotel Ballroom at this time. We certainly hope you all enjoy the show. And remember, people, that no matter who you are and what you do to live, thrive and survive, there're still some things that makes us all the same. You. Me. Them. Everybody. Everybody.

Mrs. Tarantino: Are you the police?
Elwood: No ma'am. We're musicians.


Blues Brothers 2000 (1998)
Elwood Blues: We've got to get off this road. They've called ahead by now and you can't outrun a Motorola.

Mighty Mack: Elwood, they have automatic weapons.
Elwood Blues: Look in the glove compartment.
Mighty Mack: Carpet Tacks! They have guns and we have carpet tacks.
Elwood Blues: They're not carpet tacks. They're dry-wall nails.

Elwood Blues: Stay away from drugs, gangs, and cyberporn on the Internet and you can be President of the United States some day.

Robertson: Now y'all might think we're just a group of sad, sorry, sumbitches out here in a field jerkin' each other off... Or you might just think... that we know somethin'.
[Group of soldiers nod in agreement]
Robertson: I'm gonna tell you somethin' else. The federal government has a computer. Now this computer is wired to a computer in Jerusalem
[rolls eyes]
Robertson: and Moscow!
Another Soldier: [interrupting] There's something in the river, Mr. Robertson.
Robertson: Where?
Another Soldier: I saw something. Underneath the water, sir.
Robertson: Son... it's okay to be nervous, okay? Uh... there's enough explosives in that boat to blow up every post office in this country, you know? But no one knows we're here, no one knows our plans.
Mighty Mack: [the Bluesmobile comes up out of the water, bringing with it their boat, which rests on top of the car] Hey, yous guys havin' a picnic?
Robertson: [the soldiers cock their weapons and point them at the Bluesmobile] Don't shoot, you might hit the boat!
Elwood Blues: [Looking around] What boat?
Robertson: That's the International Jewish Communist Conspiracy in action, people! One of their spy satellite's must have picked up our location... KILL THEM!
[the soldiers open fire on the Bluesmobile with the boat on top of it, but as the car drives away, it hits a divot which causes the boat to be thrown up into the air... It regretably lands on Robertson]

Elwood Blues: [while the Russian's are at the burial sight of a loved one, Elwood is trying to get Mr. Fabulous, who has now become a funeral director, to rejoin the band]
[loudly]
Elwood Blues: Hey, Mr. Fabulous, what time you want us to come back and grab the rings and watch off the corpse?
Mighty Mack: [Russians at the funeral begin to talk amongst themselves in Russian]
[more loudly]
Mighty Mack: And what about the deal with the medical college for his dick!
Mr. Fabulous: [the Russians begin to yell, get out their weapons, and shoot at them] ... We're dead now.
[Elwood, Mack, Buster, and Mr. Fabulous run to the Bluesmobile and drive away]

Buster Blues: You're not the Elwood Blues I know. The Elwood Blues I know once said that no pharmaceutical product could ever equal the rush you get when the band hits that groove; the people are dancin', and shoutin', and swayin'; and the house is rockin'!
Elwood Blues: Yeah, that was me.
Buster Blues: The music, man. You know you miss the music.

Elwood Blues: Duck, give me a mountain tempo in A minor.

[Repeated line]
Elwood Blues: The Lord works in mysterious ways.

Mother Mary Stigmata: Before Curtis came to us at St. Helen of the Blessed Shroud he had a musical group that toured the joints of the Mid West. In one town Curtis had an affair... with a married woman.
Elwood Blues: Go Curtis!
[Mother Mary Stigmata hits him]
Elwood Blues: I mean... that's terrible.
Mother Mary Stigmata: That's what I thought you meant.

Cab Chamberlain: I thought you said she was old and ugly.
Elwood Blues: Ix-nay on the ugly-ay.

Elwood Blues: [addressing the rest if the band] You may go if you wish. But remember this: walk away now and you walk away from your crafts, your skills, your vocations; leaving the next generation with nothing but recycled, digitally-sampled techno-grooves, quasi-synth rhythms, pseudo-songs of violence-laden gangsta-rap, acid pop, and simpering, saccharine, soulless slush. Depart now and you forever separate yourselves from the vital American legacies of Robert Johnson, Muddy Waters, Willie Dixon, Jimmy Reed, Memphis Slim, Blind Boy Fuller, Louie Jordon, Little Walter, Big Walter, Sonnyboy Williamson I and II, Otis Redding, Jackie Wilson, Elvis Presley, Lieber and Stoller, and Robert K. Weiss.
Donald "Duck" Dunn: Who is Robert K. Weiss?
[the rest of the band shrug]
Elwood Blues: Turn your backs now and you snuff out the fragile candles of Blues, R&B and Soul, and when those flames flicker and expire, the light of the world is extinguished because the music which has moved mankind through seven decades leading to the millennium will whither and die on the vine of abandonment and neglect.
[he walks off, followed by Buster, Mack and then the rest of the band]

Elwood Blues: [after the Louisiana Gator Boys won the Battle of the bands and everything has calmed down] Would you fellas care to jam?
Malvern Gasperon: What you think, Eric?
Eric Clapton: Why not?
Malvern Gasperon: One, two, One two three four!
[the Blues Brothers and the Louisiana Gator Boys play "New Orleans"]

Mother Mary Stigmata: Elwood, say hello to Buster.
Elwood Blues: [not interested] Hi, how ya doin'.
Mother Mary Stigmata: Buster, say hello to Elwood.
Buster Blues: [same tone as Elwood] Hi, how you doin'.
Elwood Blues: Hey! This kid's a wise ass!
[gets thwacked over the head by Mother Mary Stigmata]
Elwood Blues: Ow, shit!
[Get's hit again]
Elwood Blues: I mean, uh... what a nice... kid.

Elwood Blues: Is there anything in particular you would like to hear this evening your highness?
Queen Mousette: Yes. Do something Caribbean.
Elwood Blues: Uh, ma'am, we're the Blues Brothers. We do blues, rhythm & blues, jazz, funk, soul. We can handle rock, pop, country, heavy metal, fusion, hip hop, rap, Motown, operetta, show tunes. In fact, we've even been called upon, on occasion, to do a polka! However Caribbean is a type of music, I regret to say, which has not been, is simply not, nor will ever be a part of this band's repertoire.

Elwood Blues: Seeing as we're kinda like step-brothers, I thought maybe you could help me out.
Cab Chamberlain: How could I do that?
Elwood Blues: I need $500 for this car, see? And I thought maybe you could, you know, loan me the money... OR...
Cab Chamberlain: "OR" what?
Elwood Blues: I'm thinking of putting the band back together. Maybe you could join us.
Cab Chamberlain: I'm a commander in the Illinois State Police, and I enjoy my job. You *waltz* in here telling me I have a dead, white criminal brother, who was in a band which, the last time they played anywhere, were charged with
[looks to computer screen]
Cab Chamberlain: grand larceny, wreckless endangerment,
[raises his voice getting louder]
Cab Chamberlain: felonious motor vehicle assault, over SEVEN HUNDRED violations of the highway traffic act and DAMAGES, both public and private, IN EXCESS OF $24,000,000 and *YOU* ARE ASKING *ME* IF I WANT TO JOIN THIS BAND?
Elwood Blues: [nonchalantly] I could show you all the moves.
Cab Chamberlain: GET THE HELL OUT OF MY OFFICE RIGHT NOW!
Elwood Blues: [stands up and opens his arms] I think you need a hug.

Mighty Mack: The suit's real neat, but do I have to wear the hat?
Elwood Blues: These are unsophisticated men. They only respond to fear and the draw of lucre. We elicit this by using iconographic symbols, and psychological intimidation. The way we look together presents a uniform image of strength and organization. Don't say anything. Look mean. No smiling.

Mrs. Murphy: Elwood!
Elwood Blues: [Looks down afraid to look at her] Yes, ma'am.
Mrs. Murphy: Sorry to hear about Jake.

Mrs. Murphy: [Giving in to Matt, Elwood and Blue Lou] Go ahead! I know you wanna go.
Elwood Blues: Let's go!
Mrs. Murphy: Elwood!
[Turns around]
Mrs. Murphy: Can you boys please try to stay out of trouble?
[He glances at the camera with a sly look]

Buster Blues: Smells like dog shit in here.
Elwood Blues: Don't say shit kid.
Buster Blues: [Buster puts a cigarette in his mouth and prepares to light it, but Elwood throws the items out of the car window]
Elwood Blues: You don't need that shit kid.