Wayne Campbell
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Quotes for
Wayne Campbell (Character)
from Wayne's World (1992)

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Wayne's World (1992)
Wayne Campbell: Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.

Wayne Campbell: All I have to say about that is "asphinctersayswhat".
Noah Vanderhoff: What?
Wayne Campbell: Exactly.

Garth Algar: Uhm, Wayne? What do you do if every time you see this one incredible woman, you think you're gonna hurl?
Wayne Campbell: I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. But if you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.

Wayne Campbell: Am I supposed to be a man? Am I supposed to say, "It's OK, I don't mind, I don't mind"? Well, I mind! I mind big time! And you know what the worst part is? I NEVER LEARNED TO READ.
Cassandra: Is that true?
Wayne Campbell: Yes, everything except the reading part.

Tiny: Wayne. How you doin'?
Wayne Campbell: Hey, Tiny, who's playing today?
Tiny: Jolly Green Giants and the Shitty Beetles.
Wayne Campbell: Shitty Beetles? Are they any good?
Tiny: They suck.
Wayne Campbell: Then it's not just a clever name.

Stacy: Happy anniversary, Wayne.
Wayne Campbell: Stacy, we broke up two months ago.
Stacy: Well, that doesn't mean we can't still go out, does it?
Wayne Campbell: Well, it does actually, that's what breaking up is.

Stacy: Well, don't you want to open your present?
Wayne Campbell: If it's a severed head, I'm going to be very upset.
Stacy: Open it.
Wayne Campbell: What is it?
Stacy: It's a gun rack.
Wayne Campbell: A gun rack... a gun rack. I don't even own *a* gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do with a gun rack?
Stacy: You don't like it? Fine. You know Wayne, if you're not careful, you're going to lose me.
Wayne Campbell: I lost you two months ago. Are you mental? We broke up. Get the net!

Benjamin: Wayne! Listen, we need to have a talk about Vanderhoff. The fact is he's the sponsor and you signed a contract guaranteeing him certain concessions, one of them being a spot on the show.
Wayne Campbell: [holding a Pizza Hut box] Well that's where I see things just a little differently. Contract or no, I will not bow to any sponsor.
Benjamin: I'm sorry you feel that way, but basically it's the nature of the beast.
Wayne Campbell: [holding a bag of Doritos] Maybe I'm wrong on this one, but for me, the beast doesn't include selling out. Garth, you know what I'm talking about, right?
Garth Algar: [wearing Reebok wardrobe] It's like people only do these things because they can get paid. And that's just really sad.
Wayne Campbell: I can't talk about it anymore; it's giving me a headache.
Garth Algar: Here, take two of these!
[Dumps two Nuprin pills into Wayne's hand]
Wayne Campbell: Ah, Nuprin. Little. Yellow. Different.
Benjamin: Look, you can stay here in the big leagues and play by the rules, or you can go back to the farm club in Aurora. It's your choice.
Wayne Campbell: [holding a can of Pepsi] Yes, and it's the choice of a new generation.

Wayne Campbell: No way!
Garth Algar: Way!

[last lines]
Cassandra: I love you, Wayne.
Wayne Campbell: I love you, Cassandra.
Dreamwoman: I love you, Garth.
Garth Algar: I love you, dreamwoman.
Noah Vanderhoff: You know, ever since I did your show, kids are looking at me in a whole new way.
Terry: I love you, man.
Russel: And I love you. Because I've learned that Platonic love *can* exist between two grown men.
Benjamin: And I've learned something, too. I've learned that a flawless profile, a perfect body, the right clothes, and a great car can get you far in America - almost to the top - but it can't get you everything.
Wayne Campbell: Isn't it great that we're all better people?
[beat]
Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar: FISHED IN!

Wayne Campbell: Wow! What a totally amazing, excellent discovery... NOT!

Wayne Campbell: [after Ben orders Chinese food while speaking Cantonese] This guy is good.
Benjamin: I picked up a little Cantonese while I was in the Orient. You know, you sound a lot like you're from Kowloon Bay as opposed to Hong Kong.
Cassandra: I was born in Kowloon Bay!
Benjamin: There you have it!
Wayne Campbell: This guy is really good.

Wayne Campbell: So, do you come to Milwaukee often?
Alice Cooper: Well, I'm a regular visitor here, but Milwaukee has certainly had its share of visitors. The French missionaries and explorers were coming here as early as the late 1600s to trade with the Native Americans.
Pete: In fact, isn't "Milwaukee" an Indian name?
Alice Cooper: Yes, Pete, it is. Actually, it's pronounced "mill-e-wah-que" which is Algonquin for "the good land."
Wayne Campbell: I was not aware of that.

Wayne Campbell: I mean, there are two Darrin Stevenses, right? Dick York and Dick Sargent. Yeah, right, as if we wouldn't notice. Oh hold on: Dick York, Dick Sargent, Sergeant York... Wow, that's weird.

[admiring a guitar in a music store]
Wayne Campbell: It will be mine. Oh yes. It will be mine.

[after seeing Cassandra for the first time]
Wayne Campbell: She will be mine. Oh, yes - she will be mine.

Wayne Campbell: I once thought I had mono for an entire year. It turned out I was just really bored.

Mikita's Manager, Glen: [to the camera] I'd never done a crazy thing in my life before that night. Why is it that if a man kills another man in battle, it's called heroic, yet if he kills a man in the heat of passion, it's called murder?
Wayne Campbell: Hel-lo! What do you think you're doing? Only me and Garth get to talk to the camera.

[Talking about Claudia Schiffer]
Wayne Campbell: She's a babe.
Garth Algar: She's magically babelicious.
Wayne Campbell: She tested very high on the stroke-ability scale.

[Instead of saying "Excuse me, I beg your pardon?"]
Wayne Campbell: Ex-squeeze me? Baking powder?

Benjamin: Do you have a lawyer?
Wayne Campbell: Yes. Ahm, no. We're between lawyers right now. You see, our first lawyer screwed our affairs so bad.
Garth Algar: That's right. I walked right to that office - that's what I did - and I reached across that desk and I grabbed him by his big fat head and I said "Listen, man. I'm not going to jail for *you* or for anybody."

Terry: Wayne. Wayne. Garth told me about the show, man. I love you man.
Wayne Campbell: Yeah, and I love you too, Terry.
Terry: No, no, no. I mean it man. I LOVE you.
Wayne Campbell: No, I-I mean it. I love you.
Terry: No, you don't, man. I love you.
Wayne Campbell: [being hugged by Terry] Garth. Hey, come over here, I think Terry has something he wants to say to you.
Terry: I love you, man.
Garth Algar: Thank you.

Russel: It will be Terry's job to give the actors their hand cue.
Wayne Campbell: Excuse me, Russel, but I believe I requested the hand job...

[Wayne and Garth are lying on the hood of the mirth-mobile, staring at the starlit sky]
Garth Algar: Sometimes I wish I could boldly go where no man has gone before... but I'll probably stay in Aurora. What are you thinking about?
Wayne Campbell: Cassandra. She's a fox. In French, she would be called "la renarde" and she would be hunted with only her cunning to protect her.
Garth Algar: She's a babe.
Wayne Campbell: She's a robo-babe. In Latin, she would be called "babia majora".
Garth Algar: If she were a president, she would be Baberham Lincoln.
[a brief pause]
Garth Algar: Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played a girl bunny?
Wayne Campbell: No.
[cracks up laughing]
Wayne Campbell: No.
Garth Algar: Neither did I. I was just asking.

Garth Algar: Okay, pop quiz. Cassandra is not interested in Benjamin because... A: Chicks think he's handsome, B: has cool car, C: has lots of cash, D: has no visible scars, E: does not live with parents.
Wayne Campbell: Okay, how about, F: you're a gimp. You know what you can do with your pop quiz?
Garth Algar: Well, you know what you can do with your show? You can take a flying...
[a passing jet liner mutes out most of what he says]
Garth Algar: ...till the handle breaks off and you have to get a doctor to pull it out again!
Wayne Campbell: You kiss your mother with that mouth?

[Wayne opens a door to show a bunch of spies in training]
Garth Algar: What are you gonna do with these guys?
Wayne Campbell: Oh, nothing really. I just always wanted to open a door to room where people are being trained like in James Bond movies.

[Wayne Campbell is stopped by a traffic cop]
Wayne Campbell: Yes, officer, is there a problem?
T-1000: Have you seen this boy?

Cassandra: I don't believe I've ever had French champagne before...
Benjamin Kane: Oh, actually all champagne is French; it's named after the region. Otherwise it's sparkling white wine. Americans of course don't recognize the convention, so it becomes that thing of calling all of their sparkling white "champagne", even though by definition they're not.
Wayne Campbell: Ah yes, it's a lot like "Star Trek: The Next Generation". In many ways it's superior but will never be as recognized as the original.

Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar: [to Alice Cooper] We're not worthy! We're not worthy!
Garth Algar: We're scum!
Wayne Campbell: We suck!

Wayne Campbell: I know I don't have his looks. I know I don't have his money. I know I don't have his connections, his knowledge of fine wines. I know sometimes when I eat I get this clicking sound in my jaw...

[to the camera]
Wayne Campbell: What the hell's going on? I lost my show, I lost my best friend, I lost my girl. I'm being shit on, that's all, shit on, and you know what really pisses me off-
[Camera pans away]
Wayne Campbell: Wait, where are you goin'? OK, things aren't that great, but I'll get 'em back, OK?

Cassandra: Yeah, and if a frog had wings it wouldn't bump its ass when it hopped.
Wayne Campbell: Interesting. Where did you learn English?
Cassandra: College... and the Police Academy movies.

Garth Algar: Uh, Wayne?
Wayne Campbell: Yeah?
Garth Algar: Do you ever get the feeling Benjamin's just using us?
Wayne Campbell: Good call. It's like he wants us to be liked by everyone. I mean Led Zeppelin didn't write tunes everybody liked. They left that to the Bee Gees.

Phil: [not remembering their trip to the Gasworks] Hey, did you guys go to the Gasworks on Friday night?
Wayne Campbell: [Referring to him and Phil as well] Yeah, we were there.
Phil: There was this band, 'Crucial Taunt'. They had this mega-babe for a lead singer, unreal.
Wayne Campbell: Phil, we were there. Have you gone mental? Hello!

Wayne Campbell: [sees his car parked outside the house] Ahh... the Mirth-Mobile...

Wayne Campbell: Let me bring you up to speed. My name is Wayne Campbell. I live in Aurora, Illinois, which is a suburb of Chicago - excellent. I've had plenty of jo-jobs; nothing I'd call a career. Let me put it this way: I have an extensive collection of name tags and hairnets. Ok, so I still live with my parents, which I admit is bogus and sad. However, I do have a cable access show, and I still know how to party. But what I'd really like is to do Wayne's World for a living. It might happen. Yeah, and monkeys might fly out of my butt.

[Holding Claudia Schiffer picture]
Garth Algar: Hey, are you done yet? I'm getting tired of holding it.
Wayne Campbell: Yeah, that's what she said.

Wayne Campbell: Zang. ("excellent" in Cantonese)

[Ron Paxton demonstrates his new invention, the "suck kut"]
Ron Paxton: As you can see, it sucks as it cuts.
Wayne Campbell: It certainly does suck.

Wayne Campbell: Phil, what are you doing here? You're partied out, man. Again.
Garth Algar: What if he honks in the car?
Wayne Campbell: I'm giving you a no-honk guarantee.

Wayne Campbell: Tell me, when the first show is over, will you still love me when I'm an incredibly humungoid giant star?
Cassandra: Yeah.
Wayne Campbell: Will you still love me when I'm in my hanging-out-with-Ravi-Shankar phase?
Cassandra: Yeah.
Wayne Campbell: Will you still love me when I'm in my carbohydrate, sequined-jumpsuit, young-girls-in-white-cotton-panties, waking-up-in-a-pool-of-your-own-vomit, bloated-purple-dead-on-a-toilet phase?
Cassandra: Yeah.
Wayne Campbell: Okay, party. Bonus.

[in a music store]
Wayne Campbell: I know. I'll use the "May I help you?" riff.
[strums guitar]
Clerk: May I help you?

Benjamin: Hey, who wants Chinese take-out? I know a great place!
Wayne Campbell: I'll have the "cream of sum yung guy".

Garth Algar: We're looking down on Wayne's basement. Only that's not Wayne's basement. Isn't that weird?
Wayne Campbell: Yeah, that's weird, man, that's weird. Garth! That was a haiku!

Wayne Campbell: First he screws me, then he screws you. It's Dutch door action.

Wayne Campbell: [admiring Benjamin's apartment] Yep, this is definitely the kind of apartment I'll have if I ever move out of my parents' basement.

Wayne Campbell: Kiss your mother with that mouth? I'm gettin' outta here, Damien!
Garth Algar: Fine then, go!
Wayne Campbell: I'm gone!
Garth Algar: Go then!
Wayne Campbell: But I am!
Garth Algar: Go!
Wayne Campbell: I'm Gone!
Garth Algar: Go then!
Wayne Campbell: But I am!

Wayne Campbell: Well, that's all the time we had for our movie. We hope you found it entertaining, whimsical and yet relevant, with an underlying revisionist conceit that belied the films emotional attachments to the subject matter.
Garth Algar: I just hoped you didn't think it sucked.

[enjoying a breathtaking view]
Wayne Campbell: You know, Cassandra, from this height... you could really hock a loogie on someone.

Wayne Campbell: [to an old man in the neighboring car at a red light] Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?

Wayne Campbell: Or, imagine being magically whisked away to... Delaware.
[pauses]
Wayne Campbell: Hi. I'm in... Delaware.

Wayne Campbell: [next to a Cop] I smell bacon. Does anyone else smell bacon?
Garth Algar: I definitely smell a pork product of some kind.

Wayne Campbell: No Stairway. Denied!

Wayne Campbell: She's a babe! Schwing! Oddie-Oddie-Oddie-Oddie-Oddie! Uggghh!


Wayne's World 2 (1993)
Cassandra: Wait, let me show you what I got at a garage sale.
Wayne: What'cha got?
Cassandra: Isn't that great? You've heard it?
Wayne: Exqueese me? Have I seen this one before? "Frampton Comes Alive"? Everybody in the world has Frampton Comes Alive. If you lived in the suburbs you were issued it. It came in the mail with samples of "Tide".
Cassandra: Look at this old one. Gerry and the Pacemakers.
Wayne: Wow. That is old. You know, I bet those guys actually have pacemakers by now.

Del Preston: Woodstock? That was quite a show, man.
Garth: You were at Woodstock?
Wayne: Excellent! What was it like?
Del Preston: It rained all morning, and then it cleared up in the afternoon. And that's it, I almost remembered something else, but it's gone.

Garth: So, did Jim Morrison give you Del Preston's exact address?
Wayne: Yeah, he said EXACTLY London, England.

Jim: Hey Wayne, I'd like you to meet a friend of mine: Sammy Davis, Jr.
Wayne: Wow, nice to meet you, Mr. Junior.

Wayne: Excuse me, what are you guys doing here in the middle of the street?
Chicken-man: Well, I'm putting these chickens in crates, and stacking them right here. Jim's job is to make sure we always have plenty of watermelons.
Wayne: Oh, so you're selling watermelons.
Jim: No, no sir. We just have to make sure we have plenty of them stacked at all times, just like with these here chickens.
Garth: What do these guys do?
Chicken-man: Well, their job is to walk back and forth with this big plate-glass window every couple of minutes.
Garth: Weird.
Wayne: Yeah, you've got to wonder if this is gonna pay off later on.

Wayne: You're worthless! You're less than nothing! What's keeping you here? You don't belong here! Why don't you just quit?
Milton: Cause I've got no place else to go!

Wayne: Who are you?
Jim: I'm Jim Morrison.
Wayne: And who's he?
Jim: A weird naked indian.

Wayne: What I'd really like to do is something extraordinary. Something big. Something mega. Something copious. Something capacious. Something cajunga! But I'll probably end up working at Great America, mopping up hurl and lung butter.

Wayne: Here we are, at Piccadilly Circus!
Garth: Wow, what a shitty circus.
Wayne: Good call. There's no animals or clowns! What a ripoff!

[Instead of saying "Excuse me, I beg your pardon?" (also in Wayne's World (1992))]
Wayne: Exsqueeze me? A baking-powder?

Wayne: Where are you going?
Garth: Mikitas. Aren't you coming?
Wayne: No, I'll just embarrass you. I'll just stay here and lick the cat's butt.
Garth: Okay.

Wayne: [trying to avoid mentioning Jerry Segel's albino right-eye] We'll just take these home, run them over with a fine tooth comb, cross the "t"s and dot the... lower case "j"s.

Garth: Wayne, we don't wanna end the movie this way, do we?
Wayne: Good call. Let's do the "Thelma and Louise" ending!

Concert Nerd #1: Aren't you those two guys from that TV show, Wayne's World?
Wayne: No.
Concert Nerd #2: Well, you guys sure look like them.
Garth: Look, if Wayne says we're not, we're not, okay?

Cassandra: You know, I haven't seen Garth in a while. What's he up to?
Wayne: Oh, Garth's doing his laundry.
Cassandra: Too bad he doesn't have a girlfriend to do HIS laundry.
Wayne: Oh yeah; thanks for doing my laundry. Hey Cassandra, how do you get my clothes so white and fresh-smelling?
Cassandra: It's an age-old Cantonese family method that very few people know about.
Wayne: Ahh... Wait a minute... Calgon? Ancient Chinese secret, huh?

Wayne: Garth, it's Heather Locklear. And she's signaling to us! There is a god!
Garth: Heather be thy name.
Wayne, Garth: Scwiiiiiiiiing!

Wayne: You can see him?
Rip Taylor: Well, of course! I mean, how are you gonna miss a half-naked Indian?

Wayne: [enters gas station] Where's the First Presbyterian Church on Gordon Street?
Bad Actor: Uh...
Wayne: Gordon Street, Gordon Street!
Bad Actor: Uh, Gordon Street! Oh yeah, Gordon Street! Uh, I once knew a girl who lived on Gordon Street. But that was a long time ago. When I was young.
Wayne: [looks at camera] Do we have to put up with this? I mean, can't we get a better actor? I know it's a small part, but I think we can do better than this.
[person from set crew comes in and replaces actor with another one]
Good Actor: Gordon Street? Ah, yes, Gordon Street. I once knew a girl who lived on Gordon Street. Long time ago, when I was a young man. Not a day passes I don't think her and the promise that I made which I will always keep. That one perfect day on Gordon Street. That's uh, five blocks up, two over.
Wayne: [choking back tears] Thank you.
[jumps in car and drives away]

Wayne: Okay, you've probably already noticed by now that we're on a little early tonight.
Garth: Usually at this time on Aurora cable, you're watching "Plant World".
Wayne: But they didn't want our 10:30 time slot. But we were able to talk "Plant World" into changing with "Cooking World".
Garth: Although they didn't want to change at first.
Wayne: But fortunately, "White Supremacy World" was cancelled, and all the trades worked out

Milton: I hate my father. I hate my life. But I feel great! You guys are great. I'm gonna go pick a fight.
Wayne: He's gotten a lot better.
Garth: Way better.

Jerry Segel: What? Is something wrong?
Wayne: What do you mean?
Jerry Segel: It's my eye, isn't it.
Garth: Why would we want to look at your eye? Is there something wrong with that... weird... eye?
Jerry Segel: There's nothing wrong with my eye. This one just has no pigment. I'm what you call a partial ocular albino, but I'm fine with it. I have perfect 20/20 vision with both eyes. You're serious about putting on a rock concert?
Wayne: Are you kidding? I'd give my right eye.
Jerry Segel: You realise there are certain jurisdictions you'll need to follow.
Garth: I'd like to think I have an eye for details.

Wayne: Oh! Come on! Do you think I'm a gulla-bull? Or even a gulla-calf?

Del Preston: Did he have a naked Indian?
Wayne: Yes.
Garth: Wow.
Del Preston: I have to ask, didn't you think it was a trifle unnecessary to see the crack in the indians bottom.
Wayne: Yes, absolutely
Del Preston: I had the same dream.

Wayne: Hi, uh we're here to see Handsome Dan. My name is Wayne Campbell
Bjergen Kjergen: Yah, I know. We've been expecting you, Vane Campbell. I am Bjergen Kjargen.
Wayne: Wow I love your accent, where are you from?
Bjergen Kjergen: I am from Sveden.
Wayne: Oh really? Whereabouts in Sweden?
Bjergen Kjergen: Kneurgen, near the Joergen Fjords.
Wayne: Well, nice to meet you, Bjergen Kjargen, from Kneurgen, near the Joergen Fjords. Hmm. Kneurgen, that's in the Klargen Province, near the Biburgen River.
Bjergen Kjergen: Yah hah.
Wayne: Now correct me if I'm wrong. Your annual rainfall varies from about 40 inches in the winter to about 200 inches in the summer, and your chief export is modular furniature. I did a report on Sweden in the eighth grade.
Bjergen Kjergen: Well I am impressed with your quest for knowledge. Educated men are rare.
Wayne: It was really hard, I stayed all night on it. Then the next day, in gym class I was on the minitramp and I got diarrhea. I really wish I hadn't told you that.

Garth: Wow. Look at this scrapbook.
Wayne: Wow!
Garth: That's you with Led Zeppelin.
Del Preston: Yeh. My old lady put that together. We must've toured every concert hall and venue in America. Me, my old lady, and the road.
Wayne: Is that you and Bob Dylan? Who's that old lady?
Del Preston: That's my old lady.

Wayne: Jim, why was I supposed to put on this concert?
Jim: Because you had to learn that it doesn't matter what you do, Cassandra loves you for who you are and that, being an adult means facing resposibility yet still taking the time to have fun.
Wayne: Right, its like coming home on Friday night and doing your homework right away so that your Saturday night is free to just party.
Jim: No I like the way I said it better.
Wayne: OK.

Jim: Ask me a question.
Wayne: Okay, two trains are coming at each other at sixty miles an hour, one from Chicago, one from Los Angeles.
Jim: [cutting him off] No, ask me a question about your life.


"Saturday Night Live: Ed O'Neill/Harry Connick Jr. (#15.10)" (1990)
Garth: I think I'm gonna hurl.
Wayne Campbell: Get a hold of yourself Garth - if you hurl and I get a whiff of it, I'll spew. And if I blow chunks the chances are other people are gonna honk.


Saturday Night Live: 40th Anniversary Special (2015) (TV)
Wayne Campbell: Lorne Michaels. What can be said about Lorne Michaels that he himself has not already said, about himself? I mean, the man is a genius, for forty years.
Dana Carvey: Minus five.
Wayne Campbell: Yup. He would say things like
[picking up a glass of white wine]
Wayne Campbell: , okay, 'Well, it got a laugh, but did it get the right laugh?'
Dana Carvey: [imitating Lorne] 'Um, It becomes that thing of like, well, you're really glad it's Thursday.'
Wayne Campbell: Yeah. 'Mick liked it; Paul hated it; Marxie didn't see it. The Stings laughed. What do you think, Loren?'
Dana Carvey: 'Well, Lorne, I've got to go with Paul. I thought it was like really, really, really soft.'
Wayne Campbell: And... Scene! Yes!
Wayne Campbell: [speaking toward off-stage] Lorne, Lorne, we love you!
Dana Carvey: Yes. Yes. One day, one day I hope to meet him.
Wayne Campbell: [pointing to Garth and nodding] You'd like him. Nice guy.