Simon Gruber
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Quotes for
Simon Gruber (Character)
from Die Hard with a Vengeance (1995)

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Die Hard with a Vengeance (1995)
Simon Gruber: As I was going to St. Ives, / I met a man with seven wives. / Every wife had seven sacks, / Every sack had seven cats, / Every cat had seven kittens. / Kittens, cats, sacks, wives, / How many were going to St. Ives?

Zeus Carver: Didn't I hear you say you didn't even like your brother?
Simon Gruber: There's a difference, you know, between not liking one's brother and not caring when some dumb Irish flatfoot drops him out of a window.

Zeus Carver: No riddle is gonna stop this motherfucker?
Simon Gruber: No code, no riddle, no fancy little countdown.

Simon: [talking to police on speaker phone] Well, is the ebony Samaritan there, now?
Zeus: You got a problem with ebony?
Simon: No, no. My only problem is that I went to some trouble preparing that game for McClane. You interfered with a well-laid plan.
Zeus: Yeah, well, you can stick your well-laid plan up your well-laid ass.

Simon: Is there a detective named McClane there?
Inspector Cobb: He's on suspension.
Simon: No, Walter, he's not. Not today.
Inspector Cobb: Who is this?
Simon: Call me Simon.
Inspector Cobb: What do you want?
Simon: I want to play a game.
Inspector Cobb: What kind of game?
Simon: "Simon Says". Simon's going to tell Lt. McClane what to do, and Lt. McClane is going to do it. Noncompliance will result in a penalty.
Inspector Cobb: What penalty?
Simon: Another big bang in a very public place.

Zeus: Don't fuckin' move.
Simon: [turns around] Oh, the Samaritan.
Zeus: Gimme the goddamn code.
Simon: Code?
[realizing what Zeus is talking about]
Simon: Oh, you mean for the school. I'm sorry, I can't do that.
Zeus: You call in that code right now. Or I'll blow your sick ass into the next world.
Simon: If that's what you gotta do.
[Zeus pulls the trigger on his gun and nothing happens, Simon takes the gun from Zeus]
Simon: You forgot to take the safety catch off.
[shoots Zeus in the leg]
Zeus: Oh, God!
Simon: See, that works. Now, where's McClane?

Zeus: What the hell's all this got to do with killing McClane?
Simon: Life has its little bonuses.

Simon: Simon says, McClane and the Samaritan will go to the subway station at 72nd and Broadway. I will call you in 15 minutes on the payphone outside the station. No Police. Failure to answer will constitute noncompliance. Do you understand me, John?
John McClane: Oh, yes, I understand. I understand that you're a fuckin' wacko who likes to play kids' games. That's what I understand.
Simon: Hardly.
John McClane: [imitating Simon] Hahdly? Well, then, who are you? Somebody I sent up? What'd you do? Shoplifting? Purse-snatching?
[pauses and puts hand over the receiver]
John McClane: Cross-dressing? What?
Simon: You c-c-c-couldn't catch me if I stole your ch-ch-chair with you in it!
John McClane: My ch-ch-ch-chair with me in it? That's very exciting. Let me ask you a question, bonehead. Why are you trying to k-k-k-k-kill me?

Ivan: [talking to Simon on the phone] He's here.
Simon: Perhaps you could be a little more specific.

[Zeus rushes into the Wall Street subway station and gets held at gunpoint by a transit cop who saw him jump the turnstiles]
Zeus: [slowly] I have to answer that phone.
Transit cop: Get 'em up!
Zeus: Look, if you have to shoot me, then you go ahead and you shoot me! But I have to answer this phone, all right?
Zeus: [picks up the receiver] I'm here.
Simon: [on the other line] And McClane?
Zeus: He's on his way. Uh, you know, he's a little slow. He's kinda outta shape.
Simon: The rules applied to both of you. I'm afraid this is noncompliance. Goodbye.
[Simon hangs up]
Zeus: Trust me guys. Duck.
[He immediately takes cover, knowing what will happen. As the train enters the station, McClane tries to smash the door on the last car of the train to throw the bomb out onto the track to minimize the amount of damage. As he does that, the wheels on the firts car hit a trip wire on the left rail that is connected to a remote detonator. It activates the bomb as McClane is throwing it out the window, causing the rear car to slide across the island platform, knocking down signs and columns]

John McClane: She told me to stay on the line.
[laughs]
Simon: [laughs] Oh, God, I love this country!
John McClane: You know, your brother was an asshole.
Simon: [pauses] Ha!
John McClane: You know, he really was an asshole.
Simon: He was. He was an asshole. You... you got his number.

Simon: I'm a soldier, not a monster. Even though I sometimes work for monsters.

Simon: Said Simple Simon to the pieman going to the fair, "Give me your pies... or I'll cave your head in."

Simon: I think he's dead my dear.

Simon: Money is shit to me. I would not give up McClane for all the gold in your Fort Knox.

Simon: Where are my pigeons now?
Inspector Cobb: Pigeons?
Simon: I had two pigeons, bright and gay, fly from me the other day. Why was it they did go? You cannot tell, you do not know.
Inspector Cobb: You mean McClane?
Simon: No, I mean Santa Claus.

[Simon is in one of the dumptrucks driving gold through the unfinished aqueduct]
Simon: [on a phone] Rear guard, you can close up now.
[pauses, not getting an answer]
Simon: We've reached the dam, you can come up now.
[pauses again]
Simon: Nils? You can close in now. Nils?
John McClane: [on the guard's phone] Attention! Attention! Nils is dead! I repeat, Nils is dead, fuck-head. So's his pal, and those four guys from the East German All-Stars, your boys down at the bank? They're gonna be a little late.
Simon: [on the phone] John... in the back of the truck you're driving, there's 13 billon dollars worth in gold bullion. I wonder would a deal be out of the question?
John McClane: [on the phone] Yeah, I got a deal for you. Crawl out from that rock you're hiding under, and I'll drive this truck up your ass.
Simon: [on the phone] How colorful.

Simon: Yesterday we were an army with no country, tomorrow, we have to decide which country we want to buy!

Mischa: [the second guard tries to reach the front desk but instead reaches Simon's henchman who has replaced the real guard] Front desk.
Federal Reserve Guard #2: Yes, call the police, get your ass down here right now! I'm under attack!
Mischa: Hey, just relax mate, maybe you'll live through this.
[Not believing this, the guard promptly grabs a shotgun and fires relentlessly at the door. He doesn't see Katya creep up behind him with a knife. She slashes through his neck twice, then stabs him in the chest, causing him to double over. As he doubles over, she stabs him in the back, at which point Simon grabs her, twists her hand and pins her against the wall, restraining her. He glowers disapprovingly at her]
Simon Gruber: I think he's dead, my dear.

Simon: [addressing his troops] And remember, this is all due to the g-g-g-g-g-g-gullibility of the New York Police Department!

Simon: [Simon, disguised as a City Engineer, surveying the damage caused by one of his bombs] Holy Toledo! Somebody had fun.

[Simon and Targo have just learned that McClane killed two of their henchmen at the aqueduct]
Mathias Targo: I told you not to toy with him!
Simon: Thank you, that's very helpful.

Simon: [Simon has just broken into the Federal Reserve] One hundred and forty billion dollars! Ten times what's in Kentucky. Fort Knox? Ha! It's for tourists.

[Simon's last line]
Simon: [panicking] Get out of here!

Simon Gruber: [as McClane answers the pay phone] "Birds of a feather, flocked together, so do pigs & swine. As nice as their chance as well as I had mine."
John McClane: Nice. Rhymes.
Simon Gruber: Why was the phone busy, who were you calling?
John McClane: [Sarcastically] The psychic hotline.
Simon Gruber: I advise you to take this more seriously.
John McClane: Hey, this is public phone. What do you want me to say?
Simon Gruber: [Slightly annoyed] You can simply say that there was a fat woman on it and it took you a minute to get her off.
[Both McClane and Zeus give shocked faces]
Simon Gruber: Now, there's a significant amount of explosive in the trash receptacle next to you. Try to run, and it goes off now.
John McClane: We're not going to run, but I got a hundred people out here.
Simon Gruber: *That's* the point. Now, do I have your attention? "As I was going to St. Ives, I met a man with 7 wives, every wife had 7 sacks, every sack had 7 cats, every cat had 7 kittens, kittens, cats sacks and wives. How many were going to St. Ives? My number is...
John McClane: [Interrupting] Woah, whoa wait a minute I didn't get all that. Say it again.
Simon Gruber: Not a chance. My number is 555 and the answer. Call me in 30 seconds or die.