Quotes for
John McClane (Character)
from Die Hard (1988)

Die Hard: With a Vengeance (1995)

John McClane: Listen, you fail I cover your ass. I fail you cover my ass!
Zeus: And if we both fail?
John McClane: Then we're both fucked!

John McClane: I'll tell you what your problem is, you don't like me 'cause you're a racist!
Zeus: What?
John McClane: You're a racist! You don't like me 'cause I'm white!
Zeus: I don't like you because you're gonna get me *killed*!

Zeus: So what's up with this L.A. thing? You famous or something?
John McClane: Yeah, for about five minutes.
Zeus: Don't tell me. Rodney King, right?
John McClane: Fuck you.

John McClane: [hands Zeus a gun] Here take this.
Zeus: How's it work?
John McClane: You don't know how to shoot a gun?
Zeus: Look, all brothers don't know how to shoot guns, you racist motherfucker.
John McClane: Sue me.

[McClane and Zeus are speeding through Central Park]
Zeus: Are you aiming for these people?
John McClane: No. Well, maybe that mime.

FBI Agent Andy Cross: [showing pictures] Do you recognize this guy?
John McClane: No.
FBI Agent Andy Cross: How 'bout this one?
John McClane: Mm-mm.
FBI Agent Andy Cross: How 'bout you?
[Zeus shakes head]
FBI Agent Andy Cross: Did you recognize the voice on the phone?
John McClane: No.
FBI Agent Andy Cross: Did you, uh, notice any cars following you?
John McClane: No.
Bill Jarvis, from Another Organization: Anybody following you at all? Any kind of surveillance, telephone, house, anything unusual at all?
John McClane: Well, now that you mention it, I have experienced a, you know, like a burning sensation between my toes. I thought it was just some athlete's foot or something.

[John drives a taxicab through Central Park]
Zeus: McClane. McClane!
John McClane: What?
[jumps the taxi over a hill towards Central Park South]
Zeus: [shouts] McClane!

Simon: Simon says, McClane and the Samaritan will go to the subway station at 72nd and Broadway. I will call you in 15 minutes on the payphone outside the station. No Police. Failure to answer will constitute noncompliance. Do you understand me, John?
John McClane: Oh, yes, I understand. I understand that you're a fuckin' wacko who likes to play kids' games. That's what I understand.
Simon: Hardly.
John McClane: [imitating Simon] Hahdly? Well, then, who are you? Somebody I sent up? What'd you do? Shoplifting? Purse-snatching?
[pauses and puts hand over the receiver]
John McClane: Cross-dressing? What?
Simon: You c-c-c-couldn't catch me if I stole your ch-ch-chair with you in it!
John McClane: My ch-ch-ch-chair with me in it? That's very exciting. Let me ask you a question, bonehead. Why are you trying to k-k-k-k-kill me?

Zeus: Damn McClane, you know I was just starting to like you.
John McClane: Yeah, well don't, I'm an asshole.
Zeus: What are you talking about, now?
John McClane: I lied to you, Zeus.
Zeus: About what?
John McClane: You remember, I said Weiss found that bomb up in Harlem?
Zeus: Yeah.
John McClane: They found it down in Chinatown.
Zeus: Oh. Oh, now that's low, even for a white motherfucker like you. That's low.
John McClane: I told you I was an asshole.

Zeus: I told you 9th Avenue is the quickest way south.
John McClane: Stop all the goddamn yellin'! I know what I'm doing.
Zeus: Not even God knows what you're doing!

Charles Weiss: [coming in] A nut who knows a lot about bombs. We found this in a playground. Professional. Very cool stuff. You know...
[thuds the bomb on Cobb's desk]
Charles Weiss: Boom!
Inspector Cobb: You think you should slam it around like that, Charlie?
Charles Weiss: It's unmixed. You can't hurt it. This stuff is cutting edge. It's a binary liquid.
Inspector Cobb: A what?
Charles Weiss: Like epoxi. Two liquids.
[puts a dab of the clear liquid on Cobb's desk]
Charles Weiss: Now, either one by itself,
[hits it with his shoe]
Charles Weiss: you got nothing. But, mix them...
[swirls a paper clip in both liquids and throws it at a chair, the mixture explodes violently knocking the chair across the room]
Connie Kowalski: [yelling] Charlie, you're gonna be wearin' that chair up your ass!
Inspector Cobb: [yelling] Christ almighty, Charlie!
Charles Weiss: Like I said very cool stuff. Now, with a package like this, you get a warning. Now, the bomb has to arm itself. You'll see the red liquid pump into the clear before it detonates.
John McClane: How long before?
Charles Weiss: Ten seconds, two minutes, it could be anything. But, once it's mixed, be somewhere else.

Zeus: Morning.
John McClane: Good morning.
Zeus: You having a nice day, sir? You feeling all right? Not to get too personal, but a white man standing in the middle of Harlem wearing a sign that says "I hate niggers" has either got some serious personal issues, or not all his dogs are barking.
[John yawns]
Zeus: Hey! I'm talking to you! Now you've got about ten seconds before those guys see you, and when they do they will kill you, you understand? You are about to have a very bad day.
John McClane: Tell me about it.

Helicopter Pilot: Hang on, we're going down.
John McClane: Do you see those high-tension wires?
Zeus: Hey, McClane, what the fuck!

John McClane: Why me? What does he got to do with me?
Inspector Cobb: I have no idea, he just said it had to be you.
John McClane: It's nice to be needed.

John McClane: This thing got airbags?
Zeus: Your side does, I don't know about mi-
[shouts]
Zeus: McClane!

Zeus: That's it!
John McClane: What?
Zeus: Hillary Clinton. The 42nd President.
John McClane: Nah, she'd be the 43rd President.
Zeus: Alright, alright. But who's the 21st President?
John McClane: I don't know.
Zeus: You don't know?
John McClane: No, I don't know! Do you know?
Zeus: No!
John McClane: Well?

John McClane: Listen to me. Hang the fuck on, all right?

Inspector Cobb: [to Simon] I can appreciate your feelings for McClane. But believe me, the jerk isn't worth it. He's stepped on so many toes in this department, by this time next month he's gonna be a security guard. His own wife wants nothing to do with him, and he's about two steps shy of becoming a full-blown alcoholic.
John McClane: [whispering] One step, *one* step.

Zeus: What the fuck are you doin'?
John McClane: Interrogatin' him.
Zeus: Well, what's he gonna tell you, "I'm dead"?
John McClane: Well, I ain't gonna know 'til I ask him, am I?

John McClane: She told me to stay on the line.
[laughs]
Simon: [laughs] Oh, God, I love this country!
John McClane: You know, your brother was an asshole.
Simon: [pauses] Ha!
John McClane: Yeah, he really was an asshole.
Simon: He was. He was an asshole. You... you got his number.

John McClane: Yo, partner! Wait up.
Zeus: Hey, hey, hey, hey, I ain't your partner. I ain't your neighbor, your brother, or your friend. I'm your total stranger.

Dr. Schiller: They want you to know who's doing it to you. So this name Simon is probably not an alias. It's probably Simon or some variation.
Joe Lambert: [reading a rap sheet] Simon, Robert E. Busted in '86. Extortion. Kidnapping. 10 to 15. Did 7 years for good behavior. Released on a state work furlough two months ago.
Inspector Cobb: Check it.
John McClane: [Rick tosses something to John] Thanks, Rick. Bob Simon was a bankrupt businessman who kidnapped his partner's daughter. He's a fuck-up, not a psycho. The guy we're looking for is nuts.

John McClane: You know this guy Simon we're talking to?
Zeus: Yeah.
John McClane: I threw his little brother off the thirty-second floor of Nakatomi Towers out in L.A. I guess he's a little pissed off about it.
Zeus: Wait a minute. You mean to tell me I'm in this shit 'cause some white cop threw some white asshole's brother off a roof?

[McClane and Zeus are arguing over how to solve the problem]
John McClane: I'll put my foot up your ass, you dumb, mother...
Zeus: Say it! Say it!
John McClane: What?
Zeus: You were gonna call me a nigger, weren't you?
John McClane: No I wasn't!
Zeus: Yes you were! What were you gonna call me?
John McClane: Asshole! How's that, asshole!

[McClane removes his shirt and pants]
John McClane: You know, you're the first woman since Holly to see me do this.
Connie Kowalski: I'm honored.
John McClane: Yeah, so was she.

John McClane: Hot in here, or am I just scared to death?

[trying to get to one of Simon's destinations on time]
Zeus: I told you the Park Drive is always jammed.
John McClane: I didn't say "Park Drive."
[McClane turns the cab and drives through the park]
John McClane: I said "through the park."

[after dropping McClane off in Harlem with a sign that says "I hate niggers"]
Inspector Cobb: We'll be back to pick you up in fifteen minutes.
John McClane: Take your time. I expect to be dead in four.

[Simon is in one of the dumptrucks driving gold through the unfinished aqueduct]
Simon: [on a phone] Rear guard, you can close up now.
[pauses, not getting an answer]
Simon: We've reached the dam, you can come up now.
[pauses again]
Simon: Nils? You can close in now. Nils?
John McClane: [on the guard's phone] Attention! Attention! Nils is dead! I repeat, Nils is dead, fuck-head. So's his pal, and those four guys from the East German All-Stars, your boys down at the bank? They're gonna be a little late.
Simon: [on the phone] John... in the back of the truck you're driving, there's 13 billon dollars worth in gold bullion. I wonder would a deal be out of the question?
John McClane: [on the phone] Yeah, I got a deal for you. Crawl out from that rock you're hiding under, and I'll drive this truck up your ass.
Simon: [on the phone] How colorful.

Zeus: If I hadn't've saved your fuckin' ass, I wouldn't be sittin' here with you about to blow up with 100 billion dollars in fuckin' gold.
John McClane: Yeah, well, I got some bad news, you're only gonna blow up with me.
Zeus: What?
John McClane: No gold on this boat.
Zeus: How do you know that?
John McClane: Cuz I know the man, I know the family. The only thing better than blowing up 100 billion dollars worth of gold is making people think you did.

[McClane and Zeus break into a car]
John McClane: You know how to hot-wire this thing?
Zeus: Of course I can, I'm an electrician. Only problem is...
[Zeus starts the ignition with his pliers]
Zeus: it takes too fuckin' long.

[Referring to The Sign of the Cross]
Zeus: How do Catholics do their thing?
John McClane: North, South, West, East.

John McClane: Say hello to your brother.

FBI Agent: The name Gruber mean anything to you, lieutenant?
[flashback to Hans Gruber falling from Nakatomi Towers]
John McClane: It rings a bell, yeah.

[about to call Simon with the answer to another riddle]
Zeus: No, wait, wait! It's a trick. It's a trick.
John McClane: What d'you mean?
Zeus: I forgot about the man.
John McClane: What man? Fuck the man! We got ten seconds here!
Zeus: He said, "how many were going to St. Ives," right? The riddle begins, "As I was going to St. Ives, I met a man with seven wives!" The guy and his wives aren't going anywhere.
John McClane: What are they doing?
Zeus: Sitting in the fucking road! Waiting on the moor! How the hell should I know?

Dr. Schiller: Yes, I was saying that we're dealing with a megalomaniacal personality with possible paranoid schizo...
John McClane: Hey, hey! How 'bout we just skip down to the part where you tell me what the fuck this has to do with me, huh?

John McClane: [to terrorists in a tunnel] Hi, fellas. Mickey O'Brien, aqueduct security. Hey, listen, we got a report of a guy coming through here with, uh, eight reindeer.
[shoots the terrorists]
John McClane: Yeah, they said he was a jolly, old, fat guy with a snowy, white beard. Cute little red and white suit. I'm surprised you didn't see him.

John McClane: You know how to pick this lock?
Zeus: Is this some black-shit again?
John McClane: Hey will you stop that racial shit? Are you a fuckin' locksmith or not?

John McClane: Hey dickhead! Did I come at a bad time?

John McClane: Yippie-kai-yay motherfucker.

John McClane: I had no idea Canada could be this much fun.

John McClane: [to Zeus] This guy doesn't care about skin color. Even if you do.

Zeus: [helicopter being shot at by Simon] Oh, shit!
Helicopter Pilot: Oh, shit!
John McClane: What do you mean, "Oh, shit"?

John McClane: [opens door of dump truck] You're a truck driver?
Jerry Parks: No I'm a beautician. Of course I'm a truck driver!

Zeus: Why you keep calling me Jésus? I look Puerto Rican to you?
John McClane: Guy back there called you Jésus.
Zeus: He didn't say Jésus. He said, "Hey, Zeus!" My name is Zeus.
John McClane: Zeus?
Zeus: Yeah, Zeus! As in, father of Apollo? Mt. Olympus? Don't fuck with me or I'll shove a lightning bolt up your ass? Zeus! You got a problem with that?
John McClane: No, I don't have a problem with that.

[McClane and Targo are fighting]
Mathias Targo: I see you all day, little man. Policeman.
[Targo kicks McClane, who is on the ground]
Mathias Targo: And you don't go away.
John McClane: Yeah, I'm that fucking Energizer bunny.

Zeus: What the hell's it doing now?
John McClane: It's mixing.

Kid #1: It's Christmas. You could steal City Hall.
John McClane: Come on.
[Zeus and John take the kids' bikes]
Kid #1: My bike?
John McClane: Let's go. Come on.
Kid #1: That's my bike!
Zeus: Yeah, it's Christmas!

[Targo's beaten John up, he scrambles away]
Mathias Targo: Where are you going, now? You going to arrest me, bunny? Huh?
John McClane: [sees chain on ground] I don't think I'm gonna arrest-
[grabs chain]
John McClane: I'm gonna fuckin'-
[uses chain to knock Targo out]

Zeus: That guy was pissed.
John McClane: He'll feel better when he looks in the back seat.
Zeus: Shit! That was *my* gold bar!

Simon: Why was the phone busy? Who were you calling?
John McClane: The Psychic Hotline!

Gang Member: [in German] Nicht schiessen!
John McClane: [shoots him] What was that?
Mathias Targo: [kicks McClane] He said "Don't shoot!"

[last lines]
John McClane: Oh, shit.
Zeus: What? *What*?
John McClane: I left Holly hanging on hold.
Zeus: Ah, call her back.
John McClane: Uhh, she's gonna be pissed.
Zeus: She'll get over it.
John McClane: I don't know, Zeus. Like I said, she's a very stubborn woman.
Zeus: She'd have to be to stay married to you.

John McClane: Think we should call a fire truck?
Zeus: Aw, fuck 'em. Let 'em cook!

Inspector Cobb: Have you been drinking, McClane?
John McClane: No, not since this morning.

John McClane: [Zeus has picked up a stray gold ingot and attempts to carry it out with him] Put that shit down.
Zeus: No fuckin' way.
John McClane: They ain't gonna let you keep it.
Zeus: Yeah, yeah, we'll see.

[about to jump onto a subway train]
John McClane: This is a bad idea.

Inspector Cobb: McClane is a toilet bug.
John McClane: [puzzled, he whispers] A toilet bug?

---

Live Free or Die Hard (2007)

Matt Farrell: Have you done stuff like that before?
John McClane: Stuff like what?
Matt Farrell: Like killing people?
John McClane: Yeah. But not for a long time.
Matt Farrell: [upset] So, who were those guys? Huh? Why were they trying to kill you? Why'd they blow up my goddamn apartment?
John McClane: They were there to kill you.
Matt Farrell: Why would they wanna kill me?
John McClane: You tell me, kid. You're the criminal.

Thomas Gabriel: You know, John, I feel like we've gotten off on the wrong foot. And because of that, you think I'm the bad guy. Nothing could be further from the truth. I'm the good guy here. I told them this could happen if they didn't prepare. Did I get a "Thank you"? No, I got crucified. But, they wouldn't listen.
John McClane: You got their attention now, don't you?
Thomas Gabriel: That's right. I am doing the country a favor.
John McClane: By tearing it apart?
Thomas Gabriel: Better me than some outsider. Some religious nut job bent on Armageddon. Nobody wants to see that happen. Everything I've broken can be fixed if the country is willing to pay for it.
John McClane: Ah, bullshit. It's always been about the money.
Thomas Gabriel: What, I shouldn't get paid for my work? I'm working my ass off here, John.
John McClane: Well, just sit tight, asshole. I gotta check for you.

[from trailer]
Matt Farrell: Shouldn't we call for backup or something?
John McClane: Makes too much sense.

[from trailer]
Matt Farrell: [running to a bleeding John McClane] You okay?
John McClane: [pause, panting] I'll let you know in a minute.

Matt Farrell: You just killed a helicopter with a car!
John McClane: I was out of bullets.

[after McClane flings Rand from his car]
Matt Farrell: Did you see that?
John McClane: Yeah I saw it, I did it!

[last lines]
Lucy McClane: [referring to Farrell] So, um, did he say anything about me?
John McClane: Jesus, Lucy.
Lucy McClane: What? I-I'm so- I'm sorry. I'm just asking.
John McClane: I'm in enough pain already.
[to medic]
John McClane: Hospital.

John McClane: [about to jump out of a speeding car] This is not a good idea!

[from trailer]
The Warlock: [to Matt] Why did you bring a cop to my command center?
John McClane: [laughs] Command center? It's a basement.
The Warlock: [angrily] Who is this man?

John McClane: Damn hamster!

Matt Farrell: Awww, great! There goes the cell phone.
John McClane: They knocked the satellites out of the skies, now?
Matt Farrell: No, your battery ran out.

Thomas Gabriel: On your tombstone it should read, "Always in the wrong place at the wrong time".
John McClane: How about, "Yippi-kay-ay, motherfu - "
[gunshot]

Thomas Gabriel: You're very impressed with yourself, aren't you?
John McClane: I have my moments.

Lucy McClane: Daddy, you're out of your mind.
John McClane: What're you talkin' about?
Lucy McClane: You shot yourself!
John McClane: [groaning] It seemed like a good idea at the time.

[from trailer]
Thomas Gabriel: Officer McClane, you have no idea what I'm capable of!
John McClane: You sound like a very scary guy.

John McClane: [pissed off] All you gotta do is go pick up a kid down in New Jersey, and drive him down to D.C. How hard can that be, huh? Can't be that hard, no, can it? No, gotta be a senior detective. A thing like a traffic jam, throwing a car at me's gonna stop me?

John McClane: [acrobatic mercenaries attack John and Matt] Jesus, is the circus in town?

John McClane: [covering the webcam] You think you can, uh, find a track where he is?
Thomas Gabriel: Detective, covering the camera with your hand does not turn off the microphone.

John McClane: Mai? Oh, yeah. Little Asian chick, likes to kick people? I don't think she's gonna be talkin' to anybody for a really long time. Last time I saw her she was at the bottom of a elevator shaft with an SUV rammed up her ass.

Thomas Gabriel: I can't talk this guy. You talk to him. See if you can get him to focus.
[hands cell phone to Lucy]
Lucy McClane: Dad?
John McClane: Hi, baby.
Lucy McClane: Now there are only five of them.

[Matt is cringing while listening to Creedence Clearwater Revival on the radio]
John McClane: You don't like Creedence?
Matt Farrell: This is like having a pine cone shoved in my ass.
[John turns the volume up louder]

John McClane: That's enough of this Kung-Fu shit.

The Warlock: What, like, you a big fan of the Fett?
John McClane: [standing next to a stand-up cardboard cut-out of Boba Fett] No. I was always more of a Star Wars guy.

John McClane: [Matt's showing interest in Lucy] After all we've been through, I'd *hate* to have to beat you to death.

[recognizing female terrorist's voice over the police radio]
Matt Farrell: That's her!
John McClane: "Her" who?
Agent Johnson: What're you talking about?
Matt Farrell: It's them.
John McClane: Are you saying it's "them" them?
Matt Farrell: I *swear* to you, I know her! I would know her voice anywhere!
[McClane picks up handset]
Matt Farrell: Don't say anything! Don't...
John McClane: Just keep your mouth shut for a minute.
[to terrorists over radio]
John McClane: Hey, Metro, how's your day goin' over there? Yeah, you gotta be pretty, uh, crazy over there, what with all those 5-87's, huh?
Mai Lihn: Yes, sir, we've had to dispatch all units.
John McClane: Yeah, you had to dispatch all units for all the naked people walkin' around?

Agent Johnson: Special Agent Johnson. I'll take the sedan
John McClane: Agent Johnson?
Agent Johnson: That's right.

John McClane: I'm gettin' too old to jump out of cars.

John McClane: Another day in paradise.

Matt Farrell: I'm not a doctor but-but you look like you're hurt.
John McClane: Sexy, right?
Matt Farrell: No.

John McClane: Are you Matt Farrell? Matthew Farrell?
Matt Farrell: No, he, uh, actually does not live here anymore.
John McClane: Of course not. Who are you?
Matt Farrell: My name is Daisy Duke. Got a lot of shit for it when I was a kid. Please don't add to it.

[choking Mai with cables]
John McClane: [sarcastic] That's not too tight, is it?

John McClane: You know what you get for being a hero? Nothin'. You get shot at. You get a little pat on the back, blah, blah, blah, attaboy. You get divorced. Your wife can't remember your last name. Your kids don't want to talk to you. You get to eat a lot of meals by yourself. Trust me, kid, nobody wants to be that guy.

John McClane: You're shooting at the wrong guy!

John McClane: Hey, hey, hey. Calm down. Just calm down, big boy!
The Warlock: You calm down! This is MY house!
John McClane: You're gonna tell me what I wanna know, or I'm gonna beat you to death in your own house.

Thomas Gabriel: McClane? I thought I killed you already.
John McClane: I get that sometimes.

John McClane: I know I'm not as smart as you guys with all this computer shit. But, hey... I'm still alive, ain't I? I mean, you've *got* to be running out of bad guys by now, right? Huh? Gabriel? Honestly, you can tell me. I mean, how does that work? Got some kind of service or something? Some kind of 800 number? 1-800-HENCHMEN? Oh, you know what? I bet you're still on hold with, "Can I get another dead Asian hooker bitch over here right away?"

[from the unrated version]
Matt Farrell: You just killed a helicopter with a car!
John McClane: Hundreds of thousands of people get killed by cars every year. That's just like four more.

[Farrell is trying to lock his door to prevent terrorists from entering]
John McClane: Are you nuts?

Matt Farrell: Jesus Christ. It's a fire sale.
John McClane: What?
Matt Farrell: It's a fire sale.
Deputy Director Miguel Bowman: Hey! We don't know that yet.
Taylor: Yeah, it's a myth anyway. It can't be done.
Matt Farrell: Oh, it's a myth? Really? Please tell me she's only here for show and she's actually not in charge of anything.
John McClane: Hey, what's a fire sale?
Matt Farrell: It's a three-step... it's a three-step systematic attack on the entire national infrastructure. Okay, step one: take out all the transportation. Step two: the financial base and telecoms. Step three: You get rid of all the utilities. Gas, water, electric, nuclear. Pretty much anything that's run by computers which... which today is almost everything. So that's why they call it a fire sale, because everything must go.

John McClane: [in unrated version] Yippie-kai-yay, motherfucker!

Lucy McClane: Dad! Stop it! I mean it!
Jim: Dad? You said your dad was dead!
John McClane: What? You told this jerk-off I was dead? You actually said that?
Lucy McClane: I may have exaggerated a little bit.

John McClane: I could come and find you, kick your ass and throw you out of your own party. What do you think about that, dickhead?

John McClane: [after being in a car accident] You alright?
Matt Farrell: No, I'm not alright!
John McClane: [gets out of the car amused] Just stay in the car. You'll be alright.

Matt Farrell: What are we doing?
John McClane: It's a little thing they invented back in the sixties called 'jogging'. You're gonna love it. Come on.

Matt Farrell: Do we have anything, like, resembling a plan, or anything?
John McClane: Find Lucy, kill everybody else.
Matt Farrell: I mean, more like a plan, like, a way to do that.

John McClane: You know, chicks dig scars.
Matt Farrell: [looks at Lucy] Really?
John McClane: Not that one.

John McClane: It's not a system, it's a country!

John McClane: Hey, thanks for saving my daughter's life.
Matt Farrell: [shrugs] What was I going to do?
John McClane: That's what makes you "that guy."
Matt Farrell: [smiles] Yeah.

John McClane: But seriously, all that kicking aside, that skinny little ninja chick... she was smoking hot. A new one of those is going to be real hard to come by... right?

John McClane: You know what you get for being a hero? Nothin'. You get shot at. You get a little pat on the back, blah, blah, blah, attaboy. You get divorced. Your wife can't remember your last name. Your kids don't want to talk to you. You get to eat a lot of meals by yourself. Trust me, kid, nobody wants to be that guy.
Matt Farrell: Then why you doing this?
John McClane: Because there's no body else to do it right now, that's why. Believe me, if there were somebody else to do it, I'd let them do it, but there's not. So we're doing it.
Matt Farrell: Ah. That's what makes you that guy.

---

Die Hard (1988)

[first lines]
Businessman: You don't like flying, do you?
John McClane: What gives you that idea?
Businessman: You wanna know the secret to surviving air travel? After you get where you're going, take off your shoes and your socks then walk around on the rug bare foot and make fists with your toes.
John McClane: Fists with your toes?
Businessman: I know, I know, it sounds crazy. Trust me, I've been doing it for nine years. Yes sir, better than a shower and a hot cup of coffee.
John McClane: Okay.
[the businessman sees John's gun]
John McClane: It's okay, I'm a cop. Trust me, I've been doing this for eleven years.

John McClane: You throw quite a party. I didn't realize they celebrated Christmas in Japan.
Joseph Takagi: Hey, we're flexible. Pearl Harbor didn't work out so we got you with tape decks.

[McClane watches fire trucks approach the building]
John McClane: C'mon baby, come ta' papa, I'll kiss ya' fuckin' dalmatian.

[stealing Tony's shoes]
John McClane: Nine million terrorists in the world and I gotta kill one with feet smaller than my sister.

[McClane tries to call up police]
Supervisor: Attention, whoever you are. This channel is reserved for emergency calls only.
John McClane: No fucking shit, lady. Do I sound like I'm ordering a pizza?

[Hans' radio turns on]
Hans Gruber: I thought I told all of you, I want radio silence until further-
John McClane: Ooooh, I'm very sorry Hans. I didn't get that message. Maybe you should've put it on the bulletin board. I figured since I've waxed Tony and Marco and his friend here, I figured you and Karl and Franco might be a little lonely, so I wanted to give you a call.
Karl: How does he know so much about th-
Hans Gruber: [silences Karl him with a gesture] That's very kind of you. I assume you are our mysterious party crasher. You are most troublesome, for a security guard.
John McClane: Eeeh! Sorry Hans, wrong guess. Would you like to go for Double Jeopardy where the scores can really change?
[about cigarettes to dead man]
John McClane: Whoa, these are very bad for you.
Hans Gruber: Who are you then?
John McClane: Just a fly in the ointment, Hans. The monkey in the wrench. The pain in the ass.

[on the radio]
Hans Gruber: Mr. Mystery Guest? Are you still there?
John McClane: Yeah, I'm still here. Unless you wanna open the front door for me.
Hans Gruber: Uh, no, I'm afraid not. But, you have me at a loss. You know my name but who are you? Just another American who saw too many movies as a child? Another orphan of a bankrupt culture who thinks he's John Wayne? Rambo? Marshal Dillon?
John McClane: Was always kinda partial to Roy Rogers actually. I really like those sequined shirts.
Hans Gruber: Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mr. Cowboy?
John McClane: Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.

John McClane: [huddled in an air vent, recalls his wife's invitation] "Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs..."

John McClane: Let's see you take *this* under advisement, jerkweed!

Hans Gruber: This time John Wayne does not walk off into the sunset with Grace Kelly.
John McClane: That was Gary Cooper, asshole.

[while crawling through a narrow ventilation shaft]
John McClane: Now I know what a TV dinner feels like.

John McClane: Welcome to the party, pal.

Hans Gruber: Touching, Cowboy, touching. Or should I call you, Mr. McClane? Mr. Officer John McClane of the New York Police Department?
Richard Thornburg: Get on the phone to Harry in New York. Come on, baby, move, move.
Thornburg's Assistant: Got it.
Sergeant Al Powell: Better get a hold of somebody in dispatch.
John McClane: Sister Teresa called me Mr. McClane in the third grade. My friends call me John, and you're neither, shit-head.
Hans Gruber: I have someone who wants to talk to you; a very special friend who was with you at the party tonight.
Harry Ellis: [Hans hands him the walkie talkie] Hey, John boy.
John McClane: Ellis?
Harry Ellis: Yeah. Now listen, John, they're giving me a few minutes to try to talk some sense into you. I know you think you're doing your job, John, and I can appreciate that, but, you're just dragging this thing out. Now look, no one gets outta here until these guys can talk to the *LA* police, and that just ain't gonna happen until you stop messin' up the works, capisci?
John McClane: Ellis, what have you told them?
Harry Ellis: I told 'em we were old friends and you were my guest at the party.
John McClane: Ellis, you shouldn't be doin' this.
Harry Ellis: Tell me about it. Alright, John, listen. They want you to tell them where the detonators are. They know people are listening. They want the detonators or they're gonna kill me.
[pause]
Harry Ellis: John, didn't you hear me?
John McClane: Yeah, I hear you.
Harry Ellis: Hey, John, I think you can get with the program a little, huh? The police are here now, it's their problem. Now tell these guys where the detonators are so no one else gets hurt, you know I'm putting my life on the line for you, pal.
John McClane: Ellis, listen to me very carefully.
Harry Ellis: John?
John McClane: Shut up Ellis, just shut your mouth! Put Hans back on the line.
[Ellis holds the walkie talkie up]
John McClane: Hans, this shit-head does not know what kind of man you are, but I do. Listen to me!
Hans Gruber: Good. Then, you'll give us what we want and save your friend's life. You're not part of this equation this time, you realize that.
[presents his gun]
Harry Ellis: Hey, what am I, a method actor? Hans, babe, put away the gun, this is radio, not television.
John McClane: [nervously yelling] Hans, this asshole is not my friend, I just met him tonight, I don't know him. Jesus Christ, Ellis these people are gonna kill you, tell them, you don't know me.
Harry Ellis: John, how can you say that after all these years, huh? John?
[gets no response]
Harry Ellis: John?
[still gets no response, then laughs slightly, then Hans shoots him in the head]
Hans Gruber: [he puts the walkie talkie up to the screaming crowd, then yells into the walkie talkie] You hear that? Talk to me, where are my detonators? Where are they, or shall I shoot another one? Sooner or later, I might get to someone you *do* care about!
John McClane: Go fuck yourself, Hans.

[after McClane sets off massive explosion]
John McClane: Is the building on fire?
Sergeant Al Powell: No, but it's gonna need a paint job and a shit load of screen doors.

[last lines]
John McClane: Merry Christmas, Argyle.
Argyle: Merry Christmas.
Richard Thornburg: [to the camera] Did ya get that?
Argyle: [Argyle shuts the limo door] If this is their idea of Christmas, I *gotta* be here for New Year's.

[after witnessing Mr. Takagi's murder]
John McClane: [talking to himself] Why the fuck didn't you stop 'em, John? 'Cause then you'd be dead, too, asshole.

John McClane: So that's is what this is about, Hans? A fucking robbery?
Hans Gruber: Put down the gun.
John McClane: Why'd you have to nuke the whole building, Hans?
Hans Gruber: Well, when you steal $600, you can just disappear. When you steal 600 million, they will find you, unless they think you're already dead.

John McClane: You'd have made a pretty good cowboy yourself, Hans.
Hans Gruber: Oh, yes. What was it you said to me before? "Yippie-ki-yay, motherfucker."

[John is fighting Karl]
John McClane: You should have heard your brother squeal when I broke his fucking neck.

Dwayne T. Robinson: I've got a hundred people down here, and they're covered with glass.
John McClane: Glass? Who gives a shit about glass? Who the fuck is this?
Dwayne T. Robinson: This is Deputy Chief of Police, Dwayne T. Robinson, and I am in charge of this situation.
John McClane: Oh, you're in charge? Well, I got some bad news for you *Dwayne*, from up here it doesn't look like you're in charge of jack shit.
Dwayne T. Robinson: You listen to me, you little asshole, I'm-
John McClane: Asshole? I'm not the one who just got butt-fucked on national TV, *Dwayne*. Now, you listen to me, jerk-off, if you're not a part of the solution, you're a part of the problem. Quit being a part of the fucking problem and put the other guy back on!

Argyle: Well, why didn't you come with her man? What's up?
John McClane: 'Cause I'm a New York cop. I got a six-month backlog on New York scumbags I'm still trying to put behind bars. I can't just pick up and go that easy.

[McClane, before jumping from the roof]
John McClane: I promise I will never even THINK about going up in a tall building again. Oh, God. Please don't let me die.

[Hans pulls a gun on McClane after impersonating a hostage]
Hans: Put down the gun, and give me my detonators.
John McClane: Well, well, well... Hans.
Hans: Put it down now.
John McClane: That's pretty tricky with that accent. You oughta be on fucking TV with that accent. But what do you want with the detonators, Hans? I already used all the explosives. Or did I?
Hans: I'm going to count to three...
John McClane: Yeah, like you did with Takagi?
[Hans pulls trigger]
John McClane: Ooops. No bullets. What do you think, I'm fucking stupid, Hans?
[elevator opens]
Hans: You were saying?

John McClane: Drop it, dickhead. It's the police.
Tony: You won't hurt me.
John McClane: Oh, yeah? Why not?
Tony: Because you're a policeman. There are rules for policemen.
John McClane: Yeah. That's what my captain keeps telling me.

John McClane: Geronimo, Motherfucker!

Hans: The following people are to be released from their captors: In Northern Ireland, the seven members of the New Provo Front. In Canada, the five imprisoned leaders of Liberte de Quebec. In Sri Lanka, the nine members of the Asian Dawn movement...
John McClane: [listening on the radio] What the fuck?
Karl: [mouthing silently] Asian Dawn?
Hans: [covers the radio] I read about them in Time magazine.

John McClane: Happy trails, Hans.

Marco: [chasing McClane to the end of a conference room table] You are dog now! No more table! Where are you going, pal? Next time you have a chance to kill someone, don't hesitate.
John McClane: [McClane shoots Marco through the table] Thanks for the advice.

John McClane: [Tying fire hose around his waist] Oh, John, what the fuck are you doing? How the fuck did you get into this shit?

John McClane: But, all things being equal, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.

[after bad guys hit police ram with rocket]
Hans Gruber: [in radio to bad guys] Hit it, again.
John McClane: [in radio to Hans] Hans you motherfucker, you made your point! Let them pull back!
Hans Gruber: [in radio to McClaine] Thank you, Mr. Cowboy, I'll take it under advisement.
[to bad guys]
Hans Gruber: *Hit it, again.*

John McClane: [fighting Karl] You motherfucker, I'm gonna kill you! I'm gonna fuckin' cook you, and I'm gonna fucking eat you!

John McClane: Got invited to the Christmas party by mistake. Who knew?

John McClane: These guys are mostly European judging by their clothing labels and...
[long pause]
John McClane: cigarettes. They're well-financed and very slick.
Sergeant Al Powell: Well, now, how do you know that?
John McClane: I've seen enough phony ID's in my time to recognize that the ones they got must have cost a fortune. Add all that up, I don't know what the fuck it means, but you got some bad-ass perpetrators and they're here to stay.
Sergeant Al Powell: I hear ya, partner. And L.A.'s finest are on it.

John McClane: Son of a bitch! Fist with your toes.

John McClane: Who's driving this car, Stevie Wonder?

John McClane: [cops start coming towards the building] You macho assholes, no, no!

John McClane: [after entering the room where Gruber retains Holly] Hi, honey.

John McClane: [upon seeing Marco arrive, suspense music plays] Freeze m*th*rf*cker!
Marco: [panicking] Oh God! Don't shoot! Don't shoot!
John McClane: Drop the gun!
Marco: [starts to do so] Ok! But don't shoot! Don't shoot!
John McClane: Put it on the ground!
Marco: [still doing so but very slowly] I know! But don't shoot! Don't shoot!
Heinrich: [music changes to a climatic theme as Heinrich comes in] Marco duck!
John McClane: [easily shoots Heinrich but Marco manages to take cover. John then hides under a long conference table]
Marco: [after a quick scene change Marco is on the table shooting it as he walks down it] You a dog now. Where you going pal? Soon there will be no more table.
[empties his clip and jams a fresh one in]
Marco: Next time you have a chance to kill someone, don't hesitate.
[prepares to start shooting again when... ]
John McClane: [fires upwards several times riddling Marco with bullets. Marco drops dead on the table with bullets and wood splinters in him] Thanks for the advice, pal.

John McClane: [Getting out a pack of cigarettes] Do you smoke?
Hans Gruber: [while mimicing a hostage] Yeah.
[McClane hands him the pack of cigarettes]
Hans Gruber: Thanks. Now, you don't work for Nakatomi, and you're not one of them.
John McClane: I'm a cop from New York.
Hans Gruber: New York?
John McClane: Yeah. I got invieted to the Christmas party by mistake. Who knew.
[laughs]
John McClane: Better being caught with your pants down, huh? I'm John McClane, and you are?
Hans Gruber: [Quickly thinks of a name which he got from a nearby Bulletin board] Clay. Bill Clay.
John McClane: [Takes out his handgun] You now how to use a handgun, Bill?
Hans Gruber: I spent a weekend at a combat ranch. You know where they shoot red paint, but it sounds stupid to you.
John McClane: Well, time for the real thing, Bill. All you gotta do is pull the trigger.

---

Die Hard 2 (1990)

John McClane: [during the fight with Col.Stuart] Motherfuckin' motherfucker!

Trudeau: Alright, we've got a body in the morgue that seems to have died twice. Assuming it's not a computer error, what do we assume?
John McClane: That somebody's about to seriously fuck with this airport.
Trudeau: What the hell is that supposed to mean? I mean, I know we're dummies up here, McClane, so give us a little taste of your brilliant genius! I mean, you talking about a hijacking, a robbery or what?
John McClane: Look, I'm not sure. All I know, is...
Carmine Lorenzo: Oh, he's not sure! Well, I'm stunned! I gotta lie down!
John McClane: The only people that go to this much trouble are professionals, not luggage thieves and not punks!
Chief Engineer Leslie Barnes: Professional at what?
John McClane: [holding up the fax] What the fuck do you this is, huh? The safety patrol, here? This is the resume of a professional mercenary! You got the world's biggest drug dealer on his way here, now. What, do you need, a slide rule to figure this out? Or maybe another body in a zipper bag before you start asking questions?
Carmine Lorenzo: Hey, pal, you're the one that gave us that fuckin' body, remember that.
John McClane: Yeah, I remember that.

John McClane: That punk pulled a Glock 7 on me. You know what that is? It's a porcelain gun made in Germany. Dosen't show up on your airport X-ray machines, here, and it cost more than you make in a month.
Carmine Lorenzo: You'd be a surprised what I make in a month.
John McClane: If it's more than a dollar ninety-eight I'd be very surprised.

Al Powell: What's this about?
John McClane: Oh, just a feeling I have.
Al Powell: Ouch. When you get those feelings, insurance companies start to go bankrupt.

John McClane: Hey, Carmine, let me ask you something. What sets off the metal detectors first? The lead in your ass or the shit in your brains?
[under his breath]
John McClane: Fat fuck.

[McClane is forced to crawl through yet another ventilation system]
John McClane: Just once, I'd like a regular, normal Christmas. Eggnog, a fuckin' Christmas tree, a little turkey. But, no. I gotta crawl around in this motherfuckin' tin can.

[McClane is showing his nervousness while riding in a helicopter]
Chopper Pilot: What's the matter, cowboy? Ride too rough?
John McClane: I don't like to fly.
Samantha Coleman: Then what are you doing here?
John McClane: I don't like to lose either.

Al Powell: You're not pissing in somebody's pool, are you?
John McClane: Yeah, and I'm fresh outta chlorine.

John McClane: Oh man, I can't fucking believe this. Another basement, another elevator. How can the same shit happen to the same guy twice?

Grant: You're the wrong guy in the wrong place at the wrong time.
John McClane: Story of my life.

John McClane: Guess I was wrong about you. You're not such an asshole after all.
Grant: Oh, you were right. I'm just your kind of asshole.

Grant: Too bad, McClane. I kind of liked you.
John McClane: I got enough friends.

Holly McClane: They told me there were terrorists at the airport.
John McClane: Yeah, I heard that too.

Marvin: You like it, huh? How 'bout you give me twenty bucks for it?
John McClane: How 'bout I let you live?
Marvin: Man knows how to bargain.

Carmine Lorenzo: Hey McClane! You get this parking ticket in front of my airport?
John McClane: Yeah.
[Lorenzo tears ticket up]
Carmine Lorenzo: Ah, what the hell; it's Christmas!

[John can't get out from under his parachute]
John McClane: Where's the fuckin' door?

John McClane: What do you say, Marv?
Marvin: I'll be damned if I'm gonna clean up this mess.

[John McClane is taking a dead guy's fingerprints]
Morgue Worker: Hey. You're supposed to do that at the morgue.
John McClane: Not anymore. Got a new SOP for DOA's from the FAA.

John McClane: Yippie-kai-yay, motherfucker.

John McClane: [to Al Powell] Take the Twinkie out of your mouth and grab a pencil, will ya?

Grant: Major Grant. We're Blue Light.
Rollins, Department of Justice Representative: Rollins, Department of Justice.
Trudeau: Trudeau, Chief of Air Operations.
Carmine Lorenzo: Lorenzo, Terminal Police. You want something, you got it.
John McClane: This is it? One fucking platoon?
Grant: One crisis, one platoon. Who are you?
John McClane: John McClane.
Grant: McClane, you showed some balls out there, man.
John McClane: Yeah.
Grant: Now, show some good sense. Let the pros handle this.
John McClane: Yeah, well, it looks like the pros are on the wrong team tonight. Isn't Colonel Stuart one of your men?
Grant: No, not anymore he's not. Now we're here to take Colonel Stuart down. And we will take him down. You see, I served with him. I taught him everything he knows.
John McClane: Well, maybe he's learned a few more things since then.

[after McClane has failed to prevent the Windsor plane crash triggered by Col. Stuart]
Trudeau: McClane, I know what you must feel.
John McClane: I wanted to help those people tonight. I was pretty goddamn useless.

John McClane: Excuse me, officers. This may sound like a wild goose chase, but, I think I just saw...
Sgt. Vito Lorenzo: Saw what?
John McClane: Elvis. Elvis Presley.
Sgt. Vito Lorenzo: [after McClane leaves, Sgt Lorenzo turns to his partner] Fucking tourists. Oughta be a law.

John McClane: Holly! Here's your fucking landing light. Whoo!

Rent-A-Car Girl: I close in about an hour. Maybe we can go get a drink?
John McClane: [shows his wedding ring] Just the fax, ma'am. Just the fax.

Holly McClane: Honey, it's the '90s, remember? Microchips, microwaves, faxes, *air phones*.
John McClane: Hey, well, as far as I'm concerned, progress peaked with frozen pizza.

Samantha Coleman: You give me this story and I'll have your baby.
John McClane: Not the kind of ride I'm looking for.

[Stuart realizes who he's dealing with]
Col. Stuart: Oh, McClane. John McClane. The policeman hero who saved the Nakatomi hostages. I read about you in People Magazine. You seemed a bit out of your league on Nightline, I thought.
John McClane: Hey, Colonel. Blow me! How much drug money is Esperanza paying you to turn traitor?
Col. Stuart: I think Cardinal Richilieu said it best. 'Treason is merely a matter of dates'. This country's got to learn that it can't keep cutting the legs off of men like General Esperanza. Men who have the guts to stand up against Communist aggression.
John McClane: And Lesson #1 starts with killing policemen. What's Lesson #2, the neutron bomb?
Col. Stuart: No. I think we can find something in between. Watch this!

[Esperanza has landed the plane and steps outside]
Gen. Ramon Esperanza: Freedom!
John McClane: [punches him] Not yet!
[draws his gun on Esperanza]
John McClane: You're supposed to stay in your seat until the plane reaches the terminal. No frequent flier mileage for you.
Gen. Ramon Esperanza: Who are you?
John McClane: A cop.
Gen. Ramon Esperanza: A cop?
John McClane: Yeah. One of the good guys. You see, you're one of the bad guys, and now that I got your sorry ass, I'm gonna trade it for my wife.

John McClane: If Esperanza gets on that plane and makes it to a country that has no extradition treaties, we're fucked.

John McClane: All right, just stay here and get ready to call the marines.
Chief Engineer Leslie Barnes: I thought they were the army.
John McClane: Who gives a fuck, just be ready.

[after Col. Stuart caused a plane to crash]
John McClane: [crying] Mother fucker.

John McClane: Oh, we are just up to our ass in terrorists again, John?

John McClane: [watching a man in front of the church] Could be a sentry.
Chief Engineer Leslie Barnes: And he could just be out for a walk.
John McClane: Then why is he going over his own footsteps?

John McClane: I'll make you a deal, Marvin. You show me a shortcut out to those runways and I'll get you a liner for that coat.

John McClane: Holly!... There's your fricken landing-light!

---

Die Hard Trilogy 2: Viva Las Vegas (2000) (VG)

John McClane: Why does this keep happening to me?

---