The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
[the Ferengi are in trouble, as their ship keeps accelerating and is about to be ripped apart
: The kemocite! If we vent plasma from the warp core into the cargo hold, we may be able to start a cascade reaction in the kemocite. Then we can modulate the reaction to create an inversion wave in the warp field and force the ship back into normal space. If I time it just right, I should be able to get us close enough to Earth to make an emergency landing. Quark
: Rom! You're a genius! Rom
: Think so? Quark
: How should I know? I have no idea what you're talking about.
[Quark's cousin has tried to kill him earlier
: I'm innocent! I tell you, this is all a misunderstanding. Rom, get me a lawyer! Rom
: I'll contact cousin Gaila. I'm sure he'll know a good one. Quark
: [as he's being dragged away
] ROM, YOU IDIOT! Rom
: See you in a few weeks, brother.
[waves after him, smiling
[giving Morn instructions on how to run his bar while he's away
: Now remember: don't extend any lines of credit, don't touch the dabo girls, and make sure you keep your eyes on *him*.
[points out Odo
: ...because he'll be keeping his eyes on *you*.
: Good choice, Quark. I'm sure Morn will do an excellent job, as long as he doesn't drink up all your profits. Quark
: Better him than one of my Ferengi waiters. They'd rob me blind.
: The speed of technological advancement isn't nearly as important as short term quarterly gains.
: Father, have you ever heard of the Bell riots? Rom
: Don't bother me now. Nog
: But doesn't this Gabriel Bell Human look just like Captain Sisko?
[He shows Rom a picture of Bell
: All Humans look alike.
: [about Humans
] They're a primitive backward people, Nog. Pity them.
[Rom reveals that he found out about Quark smuggling kemocite
: What tipped you off? Rom
: When I engaged the impulse engines, I noticed the ship's weight distribution was a little off. So the last time you went to waste extraction, I snuck back to the cargo bay and took a look around. Quark
: Where did you get to be so smart? Rom
: I've always been smart, brother; I've just lacked self-confidence. Of course... I could forget everything I saw. Quark
: How much? Rom
: Twenty percent of the profits. Quark
: [to Nog
] I suppose you'll want a cut too? Nog
: As a Starfleet cadet it's my duty to report any violation of Federation law to my superiors immediately. But then again, I haven't been sworn in yet. I'll take ten percent!
: What's that disgusting smell? Nog
: I think it's called tobacco. It's a deadly drug. When used frequently, it destroys the internal organs. Quark
: If it's so deadly, then why do they use it? Nog
: It's also highly addictive. Rom
: How do they get their hands on it? Nog
: They buy it in stores. Quark
] They buy? If they buy poison they'll buy anything. I think I'm gonna like it here.
: I'd always heard primitive Humans lacked intelligence, but I had no idea they were this stupid.
: The three of us and millions of primitive Humans - I like those odds.
: These Humans, they're nothing like the ones from the Federation. They're crude, gullible and greedy. Odo
: You mean, like you? Quark
: Yeah! These are Humans I can understand - and manipulate.
[Quark intends to stay on 20th century Earth
: But brother, what about the bar? Quark
: Who cares about the bar? I'm telling you, Rom, we stay here, and inside of a year we'll be running this place. Rom
: You mean the military base? Quark
: I mean the whole planet!
: There's something about that female that I don't like. She's so... cheerful.
: You people should take better care of yourselves. Stop poisoning your bodies with tobacco and atom bombs. Sooner or later that kind of stuff will kill you. General Denning
: What do you know about atom bombs? Quark
: My people have been watching your world for years; we know all about you: baseball... root beer... darts... atom bombs. It's quite a fascinating culture you Humans have here.
: You know, Quark, you might be some kind of Martian... Quark
: Ferengi. General Denning
: Whatever. But the more we talk, the more you remind me of my brother-in-law. Quark
: Is he a businessman? General Denning
: He's a car salesman, and not a very good one.
: We're here to open up trade negotiations. If you're not interested, just say so. I'm sure I can do business with one of your planet's other nation states. General Denning
: In other words, if we don't play ball, you're going to sell these advanced weapons of yours to the Russians? Quark
: I'd rather it didn't come to that. To be honest, I'd much rather work with you Australians. General Denning
: Americans! Quark
: [after Nurse Garland and Carlson have knocked down the guards
] We're all grateful, but couldn't you've done that an hour ago?
[Odo has freed the Ferengi from a couple of soldiers threatening them
] Jeff Carlson
: Who's he? Quark
: My hero.
: We gotta get you out of here. Rom
: Won't you get in trouble for this? Quark
: Why should they? We forced them to help us by using our, erm... Nurse Garland
: Your insidious mind control powers? Quark
] That's not bad.
: I only hope that one day mankind will travel to the stars and take its place in the vast Alliance of Planets. Rom
: "Federation" of Planets. Nurse Garland
: Excuse me? Quark
: Er... don't pay any attention to him, he's an idiot!
: Just remember: under that placid Federation veneer, Humans are still a bunch of violent savages. Nog
: Maybe. But I like 'em.
: Maybe we are dead. Quark
: What're you talking about? Rom
: Maybe this is the Divine Treasury. Quark
: Oh, don't be ridiculous, the Divine Treasury is made of pure latinum. Besides, where is the Blessed Exchequer? Where are the Celestial Auctioneers? And why aren't we bidding for our new lives, hmm? Rom
: You don't think we're in the other place? Nog
: The Vault of Eternal Destitution?
: All I ask is a tall ship - and a load of contraband to fill her with.
[when trying to escape from the military base, the Ferengi and their helpers are intercepted by General Denning and two armed soldiers
] General Denning
: Hold it right there! Quark
: Stay back! Quark
: [points at Nurse Garland
] ... or I'll disintegrate this hostage. General Denning
: With your finger? Quark
: With my death ray. General Denning
: Looks a lot like a finger to me.
: Everyone - this is Keevan. We're gonna trade him for Ishka. Rom
: Hi. I'm Rom. This is Nog, that's Brunt... Quark
: Rom! He doesn't care. Keevan
: Truer words have never been spoken. I'll advise you all to send final messages to your loved ones, and make sure your wills are in order. Rom
: Why? Keevan
: Because the moment we leave the station you'll have signed your death warrants. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to take a nap.
: I once did business with the nephew of the cousin of the stepsister of a friend of the secretary to the Consortium's chief account. Erm... nephew, cousin, stepsister, f-friend... Yeah, that's right...
[Quark's mother Ishka has been squabbling with Nog
: [to Yelgrun
] Family. You understand. Yelgrun
: Not really. I was cloned.
: I'm putting together a little rescue mission, and I'd like you to be part of my team. Leck
: I work alone. Quark
: You'll be paid in latinum. Leck
: I don't care about latinum. Rom
: You're right, his priorities *are* different.
[in a starbase jail
: How the mighty have fallen. Gaila
: Cousin Quark. Quark
: I heard you were arrested on Thalos VI, for vagrancy. Gaila
: That's all your fault. I was a thriving weapons merchant - until I went into business with you. You ruined me. If I ever get out of here, Cousin, I'll make you pay for what you did to me. Quark
: [to security officer
] Lower the force field.
[the force field drops; Quark grabs Gaila by his collar
: Now what exactly is it you were you gonna do to me? Gaila
: I don't understand. Rom
: Quark paid your fine. You're a free man. Gaila
: What do I have to do in return? Quark
: Earn some latinum. Gaila
] Tell me more.
: You're gonna tell your helmsman to head back to Dominion territory, warp 9. Yelgrun
: That would leave me stranded here. Quark
: For a few days. Yelgrun
: I see, and by the time they return, you'll be long gone. Quark
: That's the idea. Yelgrun
: On the other hand I could have my Jem'Hadar storm the infirmary and kill you all. Rom
: I like our plan better.
: There you are! I've been looking all over the station for you. Rom
: Well, you found me. Now you go hide, and I'll search for you!
: I can't go with you. I'm a married man. I have responsibilities, and my responsibilities don't want me to die. Quark
: I don't want to die either. So let's just concentrate on the reward the Nagus is offering. Rom
: Reward? Quark
: Fifty bars of gold-pressed latinum. Rom
: Fifty bars!
[knocks his head on the ceiling
: Ow! Quark
: Which I'm willing to share with you. Rom
: An even split? Quark
: Absolutely! Thirty bars for me, and twenty for you. Rom
: That's not even! Quark
: It is when you include my finder's fee.
: It's about the Nagus and Moogie. Rom
: What about them? Quark
: They're lovers. Rom
: Nooo. Quark
: It's been going on for over a year. Rom
: Nooooo. Quark
: She's his secret financial adviser. She helps him run the entire Ferengi Alliance. Rom
: Nooooooo! Quark
: Would you stop saying that?
: I guess it's time for me to pick up my prisoner. Major Kira
: Just be careful you don't turn your back on him, Quark. He's not to be trusted. Quark
: Neither am I.
[Keevan is trying to escape in the Ferengi ship
: Going someplace? Keevan
: Apparently not. I couldn't get the impulse engines online. Quark
: That's because I had Rom disengage the induction matrix. Keevan
: Then why did you bother chasing me? Quark
: Because sometimes my brother gets things wrong.
: All right, let's head for base camp. Gaila
: Base camp? Quark
: He means the infirmary. It's right over there. Nog
: Come on, let's move it! On the double!
: Well, what are you waiting for? Quark
: Two slips of latinum for the first man who makes it to the infirmary.
[Everyone else shoots off to the infirmary
: [to Nog
] I mean 'base camp'. Nog
: You don't pay your soldiers to do their duty! Quark
: You do if they're Ferengi.
: How can we be sure these schematics are accurate? Nog
: 'Sir'. Leck
: Oh, no need to stand on formality here. Just call me Leck. Nog
: No, I meant you should call me 'Sir'. Leck
: Don't be ridiculous. Nog
: You mean 'Don't be ridiculous, Sir'. Quark
: Gentleman, please let's not squabble. We're a team Nog. Rom
: [corrects him
] We're a team, sir. Quark
: Stay out of this.
] My son, the soldier! Quark
: They've ruined him.
: No one's hiding and no one's escaping and no one's surrendering! What's wrong with you people? Have you forgotten the Battle of Prexnak? Rom
: Who could forget the most important battle in Ferengi history? Quark
: Ten Ferengi stood alone against 273 Lytasians. Gaila
: As I recall, all ten Ferengi were slaughtered. Quark
: The point is, we Ferengi are just as tough as anyone in the galaxy. And this is our chance to prove it, once and for all. Leck
: Quark's right. Let's do it for Ishka. Let's do it for the Grand Nagus. Let's do it for Ferengis everywhere! Brunt
: Let's do it for equal shares of fifty bars of gold-pressed latinum! Quark
: It always comes down to profit with you people, doesn't it? Gaila
: We're Ferengi. Quark
: And that's why I love you! Fifty bars it is, minus my usual finder's fee.
[after a long crawl through the access tunnels, Quark and Rom emerge through a panel - into Sisko's office
] Captain Sisko
: May I help you, gentlemen? Rom
: [to Quark
] I was following you. Quark
: Must have taken a wrong turn. Captain Sisko
] It looks that way.
: In a half-hour, we'll have Moogie back and we can all go home.
[everyone sighs with relief
: Home - to the torrential rains of Ferenginar. Brunt
: You know what I miss most? The rotting vegetation. Quark
: Yep. Rom
: And the dampness. Leck
: Oh, to stand once more in those rivers of muck. Keevan
: Oh, I only wish I could be there with you.
: [after a lengthy examination of Keevan
] Well, there's no doubt about it. According to these readings, this man is dead. Quark
: Thank you, Dr. Nog!
: Your people have a reputation for cunning. I see that it's well-earned. Perhaps one day, the Ferengi will take their place as valued members of the Dominion. Quark
: Anything's possible.
: [to his family
] If I even think about doing something like this again, shoot me!
: Ferengi! Quark
: I know, I know. You hate us.
: So, Brother, how does it feel to be a... hero? Quark
: You tell me. Rom
: It feels... good? Quark
] You bet it does!
: Um... One... more... thing... Yelgrun
: Why am I not surprised?
: Everyone, thank you all for coming. It means a great deal to me to see so many people cared about Morn, as much as I did. I'll never forget the first time he walked in here and sat down on that very stool. It must have been... almost ten years ago. He still had his hair then... I thought he was just another customer passing through. Little did I know he'd become such an important figure in my life. In all our lives. Morn was always someone we could count on for a cheerful smile and an entertaining story. Some of you might be thinking this place won't be the same without him. And it won't! But this was his home, and wherever he is, I'm sure he'd want to know that his favorite bar still echoed with the laughter of his dear friends. This was his chair. And I think the greatest tribute we can ever pay him would be to make sure that it is never empty.
[he indicates to a Bajoran to sit down on the chair
: Keep it warm for Morn.
: I wonder who came up with the idea of suspending liquid latinum inside worthless bits of gold. Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax
: Probably someone who got tired of making change with an eyedropper.
: Sometimes good things come in small packages.
: [about Morn
] People love him. He's like a mascot. Everyone who comes in here expects to see him, and if they don't it doesn't feel like home to them. Odo
] And that's not good for business. Quark
: The last time he went away, my sales dropped almost five percent.
: It's a relief not to have to listen to him go on. You know Morn - he never shuts up.
: I want Morn's money. I need Morn's money. I deserve Morn's money.
: What are you doing in my mud?
Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax
: [of Larell
] I don't trust this woman. Quark
: Neither do I. But - that doesn't mean I'm gonna keep her away from my lobes.
: [to Larell, when Krit and Nahsk bypass Quark's door lock
] Remind me to invest in a better lock.
: Tell me, d'you like surprises, Quark? Quark
: Only pleasant ones. Krit
: I like to think I'm pleasant. D'you think I'm pleasant? Nahsk
: Absolutely. Krit
: Then I guess this qualifies as a pleasant surprise.
: Morn was a prince?
: Morn slept in... mud? Odo
: Mmm. I'm told it's excellent for the skin.
: Do me a favor. Don't tell his ex-wife. I'm gonna need a little oo-mox later.
: Think of me as Morn. I can't believe I just said that.
: 1000 bricks of latinum split five ways... What do you think? Krit
: Still a lot of latinum. Nahsk
: That's 250 bricks each. Quark
: So, do we have a deal? Hain
: All right.
: Someone's extracted all the latinum! There's nothing here but worthless gold! Odo
: And it's all yours!
: Take that gold dust of yours. It doesn't have to be a total loss. I hear there're some primitive cultures who consider it quite valuable.
: Wait a minute! You can't kill me, I'm the only one who can take delivery of the latinum!
[holds up his thumb
: You need my thumbprint. Nahsk
: If you stand still, this won't hurt as much.
[He flicks open a knife, Quark starts to scream, ear-piercingly
: Wait a minute! What do you propose, Nahsk? That we walk into the cargo bay with his bloody thumb and *ask* for the latinum? We need him.
: What are you looking at? Odo
: Your respect for the dead is heartwarming. Quark
: I'll have you know Morn died without paying this month's bar tab. Odo
: Oh, how inconsiderate of him!
: I heard an interesting rumour today. Quark
: Only one? I started at least twelve.
: I never told you this, Odo, but I consider you as dear to me as my brother. Odo
: [laughs contemptuously
] I've seen how well you treat him.
[Quark has just been slapped in the face by Natima
: Are you all right? Quark
: All right? This is the happiest day of my life!
: You've done enough for the movement. You lit the match; let them carry the torch.
: Mr. Quark, might I offer you some free advice? Quark
: As long as I'm under no obligation to follow it.
[Quark and Natima are indulging in reminiscences
] Natima Lang
: ...You painted my face with honey. Quark
: And a Mordian butterfly landed on your nose. Natima Lang
: And a Mordian butterfly got *stuck* on my nose.
: Consider the cloaking device a... a gift. Rekelen
: I'm surprised. Ferengis aren't known for their generosity. Quark
: Oh, we're a deeply misunderstood race.
: So, which is it - dislike or hate? Quark
: It's none of your business. But if you have to know, I was the love of her life. Odo
] Must have been some life.
: It'll be like old times. Natima Lang
: It'll never be like old times. Quark
: You're right. It'll be better.
: You know, you're as beautiful as ever. Natima Lang
: And you're as big a liar as ever. Quark
: You see, just like old times!
[Natima has accidentally shot Quark
] Natima Lang
: It hurts? Quark
: Oh, she wants to know if it hurts. Of course it hurts, it's supposed to hurt, it's a phaser!
: I've been in this business a long time, and I know there's nothing worse than following the wrong trend. Now, you're a smart fellow, with your own inimitable sense of style. Perhaps... you should mention this to your lady friend. I'd hate to see her fall victim to fashion. Quark
: Would you like to explain that? Elim Garak
: She's chosen to associate herself with some rather flamboyant companions. It would be a tragedy if she got in the way, when her friends go out of fashion.
: If anyone tries to harm her, they're gonna have to deal with me! Elim Garak
: And what are you going to do? Short-change them at the dabo table?
[Quark has beseeched Odo to set Natima and her students free
: Listen to me, Odo. You do this for me, and I promise you, there'll be no more secrets between us. I'll tell you about every underhanded deal, every lying scheme, every dirty trick... my brother Rom's involved in. Odo
: Well - since you put it that way... I'm not interested.
: [about Natima
] What was I supposed to say? That I love her? That I would do anything for her? That without her, my life would be meaningless? Sure, I could say those things, but what good would it do? How can I expect you to understand? You've never had those feelings. You don't know what it means to really care about another person. You've never been in love; you've got all the emotions of a stone! - No offense.
: I'll free them, Quark, but only in the name of justice. Quark
: Justice? That was gonna be my next suggestion!
: Don't allow my greed to keep you from doing the right thing.
: I'm gonna see to it that every Ferengi on the station shops in your store. Elim Garak
: Ah, that alone makes it all worthwhile!
: You have to tell me: why'd you do it - shoot Toran? Elim Garak
: Why did you let Professor Lang go? Quark
: I've no choice; I love her. Elim Garak
: And I love Cardassia. Which is why I had to do what I did. Quark
: I don't understand. Elim Garak
: That's the thing about love - no one really understands it, do they?
: Now I know we're doomed. Rom
: Why, brother? Quark
: Rule of Acquisition 286: When Morn leaves, it's all over. Rom
: There is no such rule. Quark
: There should be.
: I am Quark, son of Keldar, and I have come to answer the challenge of D'Ghor, son of... whatever.
: The House of Kozak is gone. For the time being it will be known as... as the House of...? Quark
: Quark. Gowron
: Querk? Quark
: Quark! Gowron
: ...the House of Quark.
: Business is dropping off again. Rom
: Money isn't everything. Quark
: If father were alive, he'd wash your mouth out with galcor.
: I should've gone into insurance - better hours, more money, less scruples.
[a crowd has gathered in front of Quark's bar
: Look at them: they're consumed with morbid fascination. They can't wait to get in here. They all want to know what happened. Was it a bar fight? What started it? And most of all, who killed the Klingon...?
: You see the way they look at me now? I'm not just some venal Ferengi trying to take their money. I'm Quark, slayer of Klingons!
: But what about Kozak's family? What if they come here for revenge? Quark
: If that happens, I'll stand up, look them straight in the eye - and offer them a bribe.
: [D'Ghor has cornered Quark to interrogate him about his "brother"'s death
] I wish you had been there. You would have been proud of your brother. He fought a brave and valiant battle right up to the end. It was an honor to kill him. D'Ghor
: I'm sure it was. Remember that when you tell your customers about the death of Kozak.
: [analyzing Grilka's finances
] It's no accident your family's getting weaker and D'Ghor's family is getting stronger; he's been systematically attacking your family's assets for over five years now. Grilka
: You mean D'Ghor has been scheming and plotting like a F...? Quark
: Like a Ferengi!
: I told you not to say anything! Quark
: I was trying to avoid a lot of unnecessary bloodshed - like my own.
: There's an old Ferengi saying about discretion being the better part of valor. Grilka
: Then what they say about the Ferengi is true. You're all lying, thieving cowards, who have no sense of loyalty or honor! Quark
: "Sticks and stones." Grilka
: I thought you were different. I thought you had something in here. But all you have in there is a piece of latinum - and it's a pretty small piece at that.
[Quark is facing a fight to the death with D'Ghor
: Go ahead - kill me! That is why I'm here, isn't it, to be killed? Well, here I am, so go ahead and do it. You all want me to pick up that sword and fight him, don't you? But I don't have a chance, and you know it. You only want me to put up a fight so that your precious honor will be satisfied. Well, I'm not gonna make it so easy for you.
[he kneels down
: Having me fight D'Ghor is nothing more than an execution. So, if that's what you want, that's what you'll get - an execution. No honor, no glory. And when you tell your children and your grandchildren the glorious story of how you rose to power and took Grilka's house from her, I hope you remember to tell them how you heroically killed an unarmed Ferengi half your size.
: You have given me back my house and my family name. How can I repay you? Quark
: I would like a divorce, please. No offense. Grilka
: None taken.
: Qapla', Quark, son of Keldar. Quark
: Qapla' to you too.
: You can't buy respect, brother. And that's what you have now, respect. That's what you wanted, isn't it. Quark
: Respect... is good. But latinum's better.
[Quark learns he won't be prosecuted for helping to sell illegal weapons
: [to Odo
] Better luck next time. Sisko
: You better hope there *isn't* a next time, Mister! I've cut you a lot of slack in the past; I even looked away once or twice when I could have come down hard on you. But those days are over. Now, we may not be able to get you for selling weapons, but you so much as litter on the Promenade, and I will nail you to the wall! Major Kira Nerys
: Something to look forward to!
: What do I have to lose?
: You really are quite a find. I'm sure we're going to accomplish great things together. Quark
: I can't wait. Hagath
: Uh, just one thing: don't cross me, Quark. Don't... *ever* cross me.
[Quark has successfully made a weapons deal with an alien customer
: How'd I do? Hagath
: You're a natural salesman. Quark
: I am, aren't I? It's no different than selling sandwiches.
: Why did you sell weapons to the Bajorans? They couldn't have had any money... Hagath
: My dear Quark, not every deal is about making money. Sometimes you have to look at the big picture. And at times gaining a friend is more important than making profit. Gaila
: It's not the Ferengi way, but it's good business, nonetheless.
[Quark is getting an ear massage from Hagath's girl
: That's right... keep going... uhu... Don't stop until you see smoke.
: I took the liberty of transferring your earnings directly to your creditors. You'll be happy to know they were most appreciative. Quark
: I would have paid them their money! Hagath
: I don't doubt your intentions. But money does strange things to people. I can't afford to have one of my associates distracted with financial difficulties. So, until your debt is paid, you won't be seeing any profit.
: 28 million dead? Can't we just wound some of them?
: I was drowning; the waters were closing over my head, and just as my lungs were about to burst, my cousin threw me a lifeline. How could I possibly refuse? Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax
: Feeling a little guilty, Quark? Quark
: Guilty? Me? I don't have anything to feel guilty about. Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax
: Then why come to me asking for forgiveness?
: Where I'm going, you can't follow. What I have to do, I have to do alone. One man who's had enough, who's going to stand up and say... Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax
: Good bye, Quark!
[Quark has told Hagath that he won't be able to provide the biological weapon he had promised the Regent
: This isn't good. I've just been telling the Regent that his shipment will be delivered within a week. He's leaving right now; he's not going to be happy, Quaark! Quark
: I know. He'll be stuck with 28 million people and no way to kill them.
: Do you think the Regent would be satisfied with only 17 million people killed?
: [to himself
] The worst Hagath could do is kill you. What's one life compared to the lives of 28 million people?
: So, about those charges... surely we can come to some kind of accomodation? Sisko
: That depends.
[shows him a pad
: This is what it's going to cost to repair the cargo bay? Quark
: That much? Sisko
: That much. Quark
: Well... perhaps we could come up with some kind of installment plan? Sisko
: Works for me!
: Now, about my tongo wheel... Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax
: It's not your tongo wheel. You gave it to me, remember? Quark
: I know that I gave it to you, but at the time I... Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax
: I'm not giving it back! And that's final!
: You're facing some serious charges here, Quark. Incitement to riot, endangering the public safety, disregarding... Quark
: How was I supposed to know everyone was going to start shooting? I just wanted them to cross paths, so that the deal would fall through. Sisko
: It fell through all right. Hagath and Gaila barely managed to get off the station alive. Quark
: I hear General Nassuc sent a purification squad after them. Sisko
: I wouldn't count on seeing your former business partners again. Quark
: I can live with that. Sisko
: What about the Regent's death? Quark
: The Regent's dead? Sisko
: A purification squad caught up with him this morning. Quark
: I can live with that, too. And I can think of twenty-eight million other people who won't mind, either. Sisko
: Twenty-eight million... and one.
: A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.
: What's the Nagus doing in my closet?
[a raid on Cardassian voles is being carried out in Quark's bar
: They found a nest. Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax
: Well, that's good. Quark
: It's not the main nest. Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax
: That's not so good. I thought Chief O'Brien trapped the last vole on the station months ago. Quark
: Well, obviously he missed a couple. A married couple. They breed like tribbles.
: I know, I know, this is just a temporary setback, the bar will open again and I can get back to my life. Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax
: I'm glad you realize that. Quark
: The trouble is, I hate my life!
: You're my son. How could I refuse you? Quark
: Then you'll remove all that unnecessary clothing? Ishka
: Don't push your luck!
: What are you doing in my closet? Brunt
: Conducting official FCA business. Quark
: In my closet?
: Why should I help you? You revoked my business license. Brunt
: I'll give you a new one. Quark
: You've got a deal.
: You're a manipulative, self-centered conniver. Quark
: Thank you!
: Congratulations, Quark. You're a Ferengi again. Quark
: I always was.
: You've proven yourself a true Ferengi. You've betrayed friends and family for personal gain. Quark
: Sounds so good when you say it. Ishka
: But? Quark
: I think I've been hanging around Hew-mons too long. I think I'm developing a... Ishka
: Conscience? Quark
: It's been coming for a long time. I've fought against it, I really have. But living with those people, day in and day out, being exposed to their ethics, their morality - it's like I've been brainwashed.
: Don't you think about anyone but yourself? Quark
: Of course I do. I just think about myself first.
: Do you want Brunt to become Nagus? Quark
: 'course not. He was willing to throw our entire economy into chaos just so he could grab power. Ishka
: Sounds like a true Ferengi to me.
: So, the happy couple are back together. If the people only knew. Quark
: But they don't, and you're not gonna tell them. Brunt
: Really? Why shouldn't I? Quark
: Because the Nagus is ready for you. If you go against him, you'll lose, and you know it. Brunt
: I hate losing. Quark
: What Ferengi doesn't?
: I want you back in business. It gives me an opportunity to keep my eye on you, because one day you are going to make a mistake, and on that day, you're going to lose more than your license! Quark
: But that day is not today. Now, back in the closet, where you belong.
: Moogie... hold me!
: Did you see their faces? They thought they had me, but we showed them! I answered all their questions, didn't I? Quark
: You certainly did. Zek
: The state of the trade negotiations with the Breen, why I dumped our lokar bean investments, why I insisted we buy up every bit of jevonite we could get our hands on. Quark
: You were brilliant. You know, for a moment there I actually thought that Brunt's head was going to explode with frustration! Zek
: By the time I'm finished with him, he'll wish it had. Blam!
: It took me my whole life, but I'm gonna die a winner!
: Garak, let's talk about death!
[Quark wakes up in the Divine Treasury - as it seems...
: I'm really dead!
[Grand Nagus Gint appears
] Grand Nagus Gint
: You're not just dead, Quark, you're an idiot!
: Take my assets, revoke my Ferengi business license, do whatever you have to do, then get out! And if I ever see you walk into my bar again... Brunt
: Yes? Quark
: ...you won't walk out.
: Captain, you can't do this! Not without paying a storage fee... a minimum storage fee, practically nothing. Captain Sisko
: Send me the bill.
: I'm nobody - just some bartender with a domineering mother and an idiot brother.
: I'm a joke on Ferenginar - Starfleet's favorite bartender, the Synthehol King! What a legacy.
[Quark has been diagnosed with the fatal Dorek Syndrome
: It strikes only one out of every five million Ferengi. I finally beat the odds!
[the diagnosis turns out to be false
: Do you know what that means, Rom? Rom
: It means you're gonna live! Quark
] It means I get to sue Dr. Orpax for malpractice!
[Brunt has come to claim Quark's dessicated remains, according to contract
: Maybe I wasn't clear: I'm not dying. Brunt
: Maybe *I* wasn't clear: I don't care.
[Garak sneaks up behind a holographic Quark and breaks his neck
: How's that? Quark
: Awful! Did you hear that sound of bone snapping? I don't want that to be the last thing I hear! Garak
: It wasn't that loud. Quark
: You don't have these ears. Snapping vertebrae is out! Garak
: We're running out of options, Quark. You don't want to be vaporized because you need a body; the disrupter ruined your clothing, the knife was too savage, the nerve gas smelled bad, hanging took too long, and poison... What was was wrong with poison? Quark
: It doesn't work! If I know the food is poisoned I won't eat it.
: For a man who wants to kill himself you're strangely determined to live. Quark
: I'm going to die, don't you worry about that. I just want to find the right way. Garak
: Right way? Quark
: I don't want to see it coming. Or hear it. Or feel it or smell it. I just want to go on with my life and then...
[snaps his fingers
: ...I'm dead! Garak
[snaps fingers too
: You want to be surprised! Quark
: Exactly! I want to wake up in the Divine Treasury and have no idea how I got there. Garak
: I see. Perhaps that can be arranged. Quark
: Really? Garak
: You have my word. You'll never know what hit you.
: What's the most important thing in my life? Garak
: Business. Quark
: [to Rom
] That's who I am. That's what I do, I'm a businessman, and more than that, I'm a Ferengi businessman. Do you know what that means? It means that I'm not exploiting and cheating people at random. I'm doing it according to a specific set of rules - the Rules of Acquisition. And I won't disregard them when I find them inconvenient. Rom
: Inconvenient? You're going to die! Quark
: Yes. And when I arrive at the gates of the Divine Treasury, the Registrar will accept my bribe and usher me inside; and do you know why? Because I died exactly the way I lived - as a Ferengi!
: They took everything? Quark
: M-hm - including this shirt. I'm supposed to send it to Brunt in the morning. Rom
: Don't worry. I have some old clothes I was gonna throw out. Quark
: I'd rather be naked.
[the station's personnel is refurnishing Quark's empty bar
: Look at them, brother. And you thought you had no assets. Quark
: Sisko? Dax? Bashir, Morn? The're my assets? Rom
: To name a few. Quark
: I guess you're right. Huh... I need a drink.
[Grand Nagus Zek has revised the Rules of Acquisition
: Rom, do you know what this means? Rom
: Yes. It means we're gonna have to memorize a whole new set of rules.
[Quark and Rom are trying to make sense of the new Rules
: It must be some kind of code. Read me the first word of every Rule. Rom
: [flipping through the first Rules
] "If"... "Never"... "Keep"... "Profit"... "A"... "Good"... "Smile"... "Honesty"...
[Quark interrupts him with a shout, then repeats the words
: "If never keep profit a good smile honesty." Rom
: What does it mean, Brother? Quark
: It means... absolutely nothing!
: I have an idea. Rom
: Does it involve me? Quark
: Not really. Rom
: Aah. I like it.
: When the Nagus feels ready, he'll inform us of his plans, but until then, we have to act as if we know nothing. Rom
: I can do that!
: What does Zek want with me? Rom
: Looks like he's moving in with you, Brother.
: [10th Rule of Acquisition
] Greed is eternal.
[revised Rules of Acquisition
: #1: If they want their money back, give it to them.
: Linguistic communication is tiresome. Quark
: My point exactly!
: Quark - I can't wait any longer. Why don't you and I go down to Cargo Bay 11 and... sign the contract? Quark
: No need to rush. Your family's ship won't be here for a week. We'll have plenty of time to finalize the deal before then. Emi
: That's an unusual attitude for a Ferengi. Quark
: I'm a very unusual Ferengi.
[Quark, Rom and Maihar'du have kidnapped Zek in a sack
: Grand Nagus, can you hear me? Are you okay? Zek
: Don't worry, Quark. I forgive you. Quark
: [to Rom
] D'you hear that? We have to help him.
[Zek has passed a medical test with flying colors
: [handing Bashir a strip of latinum
] Here, Doctor, for your trouble. Doctor Bashir
: I can't accept that. Zek
: Why not? It's only money. Donate it to charity, if you'd like. Quark
: And you say he's not sick.
: [to Bashir
] I can't believe you're supposed to be one of the five best doctors in the Federation. If you ask me, you're a quack. No wonder everyone says you don't have a chance to win the Carrington.
[Zek has been restored to his former self, with some help from Quark
: There's only one thing that bothers me. Now, don't get me wrong, I was honored to help the Nagus; but it would've been nice if I'd been able to make a little profit for my troubles. Rom
: That's all right. I made enough profit for the both of us. Quark
: What're you talking about? Rom
: I'm talking about the Ferengi Benevolent Association. Did you know it was funded with Zek's personal fortune? I was the senior administrator, Brother. Quark
: You embezzled money, from the Nagus? Rom
: Surprise! Quark
: Father would be proud!
: I have been accommodating long enough! If the Negus wants to stay on the station, he's gonna have to find someplace else to live!
: [Rule of Acquisition #109
] Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack.
[Martus has ordered a drink in Quark's
: And how do you plan on paying for this? With charm perhaps? Martus Mazur
: Double or nothing? Quark
: Double nothing is still nothing.
: The 47th Rule of Acquisition says, "Don't trust a man wearing a better suit than your own." Either you're a con-artist, or you're covering up an empty coin purse. I happen to know it's both.
: House always takes blue!
[Quark has offered to bail Martus out of prison
] Martus Mazur
: In return for what? Quark
: Nothing. Pure generosity. Odo
] Ha! Martus Mazur
: You're enjoying this, aren't you? Quark
: Oooh - taken in by one of your own victims, and no one to turn to but me? Ha-ha-ha-ha! I can't remember when I've been so entertained!
: Quark's House of Champions.
: It seems that overconfidence comes in small packages around here. Quark
: My track record speaks for itself - just like your security file.
[Quark is complaining about Martus, who has opened a gambling establishment opposite his bar
: He's a con-artist, a crook! Commander Sisko
: One more won't make much difference.
: You owe me! You begged me to stay here when you first came on board, and I did - against my better judgment. Commander Sisko
: I didn't beg, I blackmailed you.
[Martus has pinched Rom from Quark's and employed him in his own establishment
: Careful, Martus - he shaves the latinum. Rom
: I do not! Not much...
[O'Brien returns from a demoralizing racquetball game with Bashir
: What was the score? Chief O'Brien
: Who cares? Quark
: I care. I'm listening. Tell me your problems, all of them. Chief O'Brien
: I've got no problems a good drop shot wouldn't cure. Quark
: He beat you. Chief O'Brien
: Only by half a step, that's all. He's got a few years on me, so what? I, I've got more experience. Quark
: [to himself
] The aging champion... Chief O'Brien
: Got spin shots he's never seen. Quark
: ...versus the daring challenger... Chief O'Brien
: So I had a few breaks, huh? One more game, that's all I needed. Quark
: Come one, come all... Chief O'Brien
: I'd've kicked him all over the court. He knows it too. Quark
: Welcome to Quark's! Chief O'Brien
] Thanks! Quark
: Don't mention it.
[Martus has asked Quark for financial help to get off the station
: All right. I'll *loan* you 500 isiks. You can book passage on a cargo ship. Martus Mazur
: 1500. After all, I do have expenses. Quark
: 600. Martus Mazur
: 1200. I still have my dignity. Quark
: Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack - Rule of Acquisition number 109. Martus Mazur
] All right... 800. Quark
: Go on. I'm listening.
: [trying to close a deal with Quark
] I'll take one hundred times what you've got here. Quark
: Not in this space/time continuum, you won't!
: [to Rom
] That's how it begins. All it takes is for one impressionable youngster to join Starfleet, and the next thing you know, a whole generation of Ferengi will be quoting the Prime Directive and abandoning the pursuit of latinum. It's the end of Ferengi civilization as we know it, and it's all your fault!
: My house is my house. Brunt
: As are its contents.
: Oh, it's good to see you, son. You look well. Rom
: And you look... dressed! Brunt
: Your mother... is wearing clothes. Quark
: Mother! Get undressed this instant!
[Quark's mother has been charged with making profit
: I've no intention of spending my latinum to make restitution for her crimes. I will wring that confession out of her if I have to. Odo
: This is your mother you're talking about? Quark
: Don't remind me.
: She's been operating under dozens of different aliases, conducting transactions all over the Ferengi Alliance. Do you know what this means? Rom
: It means Moogie's got the lobes for business.
[Quark appears to be in a trance
: Brother?... Is everything all right? Quark
: M-hm. Rom
: I'm so proud of you, Quark. I mean, other people in this situation might overreact and lose their temper, make a bad situation worse. But not my brother, mm-mm. You're too smart for that. You're gonna sit here and study the problem, and then come up with a clear, simple solution. Quark
: [mad smile
] I already have. Rom
: A-haa, you see? I told you! - What is it? Quark
: I'm going to kill her!
: She may have dragged father down, but she's not doing the same to me. It's time someone put her in her place. Ishka
: [from behind
] Have anyone in mind for the job?
: Since when does a Ferengi have to make excuses for making profit? Quark
: You're a female! Ishka
: And when it comes to profit, this female is a better Ferengi than you'll ever be!
: Females are not allowed to earn profit! Ishka
: Why not? Quark
: Because it's the law, and without law, society would descend into chaos. Ishka
: If you ask me, this society could use a little chaos.
: If our disgrace is made known, do you think we can ever do business with another Ferengi again? I wouldn't do business with me.
: I sincerely hope I never see any of you again. Quark
: The feeling is mutual.
: Rom's a lot like his father. And you... I suppose are a lot like me. Quark
: I never knew you felt like that. Ishka
: Your father might have bought you your first copy of the Rules of Acquisition. But who helped you memorize them? Quark
: You did. Ishka
: I don't think I've ever been prouder... than the first time you made it through all 285 rules without a mistake! Quark
] Rom knows them just as well as I do. Ishka
: But *you* understand them. Rom never did, and neither did his father. But even if Keldar didn't know the first thing about profit, he knew everything about family. He was a good husband, and a wonderful father, and I loved him for that. The way I love Rom. And the way I love you.
: Tell us, Zyree, what is this place? Zyree
: This, this is where opportunities are made. Quark
: Really? I thought it was some kind of party. Zyree
: Then you thought wrong. This is all about profit, and like the Ferengi, the Dosi are very serious when it comes to profit.
[a Dosi is shot by another before their eyes
: *Very* serious...
: Where're you going? Quark
: To get serious about profit.
: If you really want 100,000 vats of tulaberry wine, I can put you in touch with the right people - for a price, of course. Quark
: Of course! I always said, you were my favorite Dosi. Now, um... who do we have to see? Zyree
: The Karemma. Pel
: Who is the Karemma? Zyree
: An important power in the Dominion. Quark
: In the Dominion? What's that? Zyree
: Let's just say, if you want to do business in the Gamma Quadrant, you have to do business with the Dominion.
: [of the Dominion
] Maybe it's some planetary alliance or trading consortium. Quark
: Whatever it is, it's important, and I want a piece of it.
: When it comes to business, my brother has the weak little lobes of a female.
: Let me remind you that taking business advice from a female is a violation of Ferengi law. Quark
: I didn't know she was a female. Zek
: Stupidity is no excuse. Now one more word out of you, and you are going to share her cell. Quark
: Then you better make sure that it's big enough for three. Zek
: Are you threatening me? Quark
: I wonder what your associates will say when I tell them you allowed a female to represent you in a business negotiation. Zek
: I didn't know she was a female. Quark
: Stupidity is no excuse.
: This is not about profit anymore, it's about love! Quark
] Spoken like a true female.
] Lieutenant Jadzia Dax
: [about Pel
] She came by to see me before she left. I'm gonna miss her. So are you. Quark
: Do you really think I'd let anyone come between us? Lieutenant Jadzia Dax
: Nice try, Quark. But I know you better than that.
: [21st Rule of Acquisition
] Never place friendship above profit.
: [33rd Rule of Acquisition
] It never hurts to suck up to the boss.
: [59th Rule of Acquisition
] Free advice is seldom cheap.
: [observing Dax and Bashir in an animated conversation
] Have you ever seen anything so disgusting? The way he's undressing her with his eyes... And look at his hands! Odo
: What about his hands? Quark
: His gestures, they're obscene. You should arrest him. Odo
: You're joking. Quark
: He's pitiful. Doesn't he realize she loves me? Odo
: I don't think he does. To be honest, I don't think she does either. Quark
: Thanks for your support.
: [on a recorded message
] You'll never guess where I am! Quark
: Risa? Zek
: If you said Risa, guess again.
: If you're found in Alliance territory without the cloaking device, you're dead. Quark
: Are you suggesting we should go back home? Ezri Tigan
: It's the smart move. Quark
: Do we look smart to you?
[Quark is visited in his quarters, apparently from Ezri Dax, who attacks him twisting his arm on his back
] Ezri Tigan
: Anyone else here? Quark
] Just you and me.
[she pushes him forward to the next room
] Ezri Tigan
: Is that the bedroom?
[Ezri thrusts him brutally against the wall
: I owe you... Ow! Does it have to be so rough the first time? Ezri Tigan
: [holding a knife to Quark's throat
] I don't know what you think is going on here, but think again!
: He's the Nagus. He's the man my mother loves, not to mention he's the head of the Ferengi Alliance. Ezri Tigan
: In other words, he's rich! Quark
] They don't come any richer. Ezri Tigan
: I see. How much are you expecting to get out of him? Quark
: Knowing the Nagus, I'd say, a pat on the head and a fistful of empty promises. Ezri Tigan
: I don't understand. Quark
: There's nothing to understand. He's my Nagus; and when your Nagus gets in trouble, you're supposed to do something about it. Ezri Tigan
: Why? Quark
: I don't know - loyalty. Ezri Tigan
] You're kidding me, right? You're doing this out of loyalty? Quark
: Would you stop looking at me like that? You're making me feel like an idiot. Ezri Tigan
: I hope so.
[Rom and Quark are toiling away carrying something invisible
: I told you, cloaking the cloaking device was a good idea. Quark
: Brilliant. But couldn't you have done something about its weight? Rom
: Uuh... nope. But if it makes you feel any better, the cloaking device on the Defiant is a lot heavier. Quark
: Tell it to my hernia.
: Now, if you give us the Nagus, we'll be on our way, and you can go on with your plans for mass destruction, genocide and all those other good things.
: [about alternate Brunt
] He's so nice... Quark
: Scary, isn't it?
[Ezri Tigan, Quark and Rom arrive in the alternate universe
: It didn't work. Ezri Tigan
: Yes, it did. We're on Terok Nor. Rom
: It looks like Deep Space Nine to me. Quark
: I suppose a cargo bay is a cargo bay, no matter what universe you're in.
: I can't believe it - Julian just shot Vic Fontaine! Rom
: I thought Vic was his favorite singer. No wonder they call it the "alternate" universe.
: I still don't understand why you'd want to come here in the first place. Zek
: Simple, really. I came to find new financial opportunities for the Ferengi people. Rom
: In the alternate universe? Zek
: Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
: War - what is it good for? If you ask me, absolutely nothing.
: So, what does a Klingon woman expect from a man? Are there any secret Klingon phrases I should know or do we just leap on each other like a pair of crazed voles?
: This is ridiculous! I'm surrounded by corpses, my shoes are dripping in blood, and you want me to feel romantic?
[Worf elaborates how to properly court Grilka
: Then what? Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax
: Well, either she accepts your offer... or she has her bodyguard shatter every bone in your body. Quark
: Sounds reasonable.
: Maparian ale with just a hint of pazafer, as I recall. Grilka
: You remember. I'm honored. Quark
: How could I forget? You're the only Klingon I know who drinks something besides bloodwine - or prune juice. Grilka
: Prune juice? Quark
: Forget it.
: Why do you pursue me? Quark
: I only pursue those things I wish to acquire. Grilka
: "Acquire"? Now you sound like a Ferengi again. Quark
: I *am* a Ferengi. That means I have a talent for appreciating objects of great value. And I believe... you may be worth more than all the latinum in the quadrant. Grilka
: My Kahless. Quark
: My Lukara.
: I'm telling you, Worf, she responded perfectly. You really have the key to this woman's heart. The question is, can you help me unlock it?
: Her bodyguard was giving me threatening looks all night. Lt. Commander Worf
: That is to be expected. The idea of a Ferengi courting a great lady is... offensive. Quark
: You know, it's attitudes like that that keep you people from getting invited to all the really good parties.
[Thopok has challenged Quark to a fight to the death
: So my choices are to not show up, be branded a coward and lose Grilka, or die? Lt. Commander Worf
: Yes. Quark
: Oh, come on now, there must be another way out of this! You people have rituals for everything except waste extraction. You must have a ceremony or a secret handshake or something I can do?
: [running a medical scanner over Quark
] A compound fracture of the right radius, 2 fractured ribs, torn ligaments, strained tendons, numerous contusions, bruises, and scratches. What have you been doing? Quark
: You mean,
[trades a Look with Grilka
: what have *we* been doing? Doctor Bashir
: [realization dawning
] Never mind. I don't need that particular image running around in my head. I'll just treat you. Doctor Bashir
: [the door opens, and a battered Dax and Worf enter
] What happened to you two? Lt. Commander Worf
: We, um...
[looks to Dax
] Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax
: Well, um... if you must know... Doctor Bashir
: No! No, I don't need that image, either. In fact, I'm going to stop asking that question altogether! People can come in, I will treat them, and that's all!
: I've reconsidered it. My decision stands. Rom
: But brother... Quark
: *Don't* "brother" me! In this bar, you are not my brother. You're my employee. And employees have no right to question the management's decisions!
: Rom, we shouldn't be fighting. We're brothers. Rom
: Not when it comes to business. We're nothing but employer and employee. You've said so yourself. Quark
: I was wrong. Rom
: No. You weren't.
: The only thing I regret is not being an only child.
: Rom, you have to listen to me. The FCA does not answer to anyone. And if Brunt decides to get rid of you, I won't be able to stop him. Rom
: Look at it this way: if Brunt gets rid of me, then all your problems are solved - you always said you wanted to be an only child!
: You never cared what happened to me before. Quark
: I always cared about you. I tried to protect you, save you from yourself. Rom
: How? By telling me I was an idiot my whole life? Quark
: I had to be tough on you; I was trying to make you a better Ferengi. Rom
: What you were trying to do was make yourself feel important. Making me feel dumb made you feel smart. But I'm not dumb! And you're not half as smart as you think you are!
: [of Leeta
] She kissed me! Quark
: There's no accounting for taste.
[Brunt's Nausicaan henchmen are throwing darts at each other's chest
: Doesn't that hurt? Brunt
: I'm sure it does. Most Nausicaan games do.
: The only thing this Bajoran Cleansing Ritual has cleansed is my profit margin.
: Major! I must say, you are looking particularly cleansed today! Major Kira
: Just get me two mugs of synthale, a double order of hasperat and, uh... hold the conversation. Quark
: No wonder I missed you.
: Captain, believe me, I want this strike settled as much as you do. Captain Sisko
: Then settle it. Quark
: It's not that simple. Captain Sisko
: Make it simple. Sit down with your brother and hammer out an agreement today. Quark
: Captain, I'm afraid you don't understand what a delicate situation this is. Even talking with strikers would be a violation of the most sacred precepts of Ferengi culture. Captain Sisko
: Maybe I don't know much about Ferengi culture, but I do know who holds the lease on your bar. Quark
: The Federation... and I couldn't ask for better landlords. Captain Sisko
: That's because we don't ask you to pay your rent, or to reimburse us for your maintenance repairs, or the drain on the station's power supply. Quark
: You're a very generous people. Captain Sisko
: Until today.
[takes out a padd
] Captain Sisko
: Let's see. Five years of back rent, plus power consumption, plus the repairs. Do you know how much latinum that is? Quark
: A lot. Captain Sisko
: That's right. Quark
: I'll talk to my brother. Captain Sisko
: I'm glad we're in agreement.
: I'm not trying to rescue you, I'm taking you along as emergency rations. If you die, I'm gonna eat you. Odo
: You're joking. Quark
: Waste not... want not.
: So - how much longer till we reach Inferna Prime? Odo
: Oh, I'd say 191 hours and 17 minutes - give or take a day.
: This whole runabout is alive with annoying little noises!
: You know, Odo, I used to think all your problems stemmed from the fact that you were a Changeling - isolated from your own kind, forced to live among strangers who didn't understand you. You couldn't eat, you couldn't drink, you couldn't sleep, you couldn't make love. Was it any wonder you had such a bad disposition? But you're not a Changeling anymore. You're one of us. Life is yours for the taking, all you have to do is reach out and grab it. But do you? No. Because Solid or Changeling, you're still a miserable, self-hating misanthrope. That's who you are, and that's who you'll always be.
: I guess you're not as successful a businessman as you think you are. Quark
: Which means you spent the last ten years of your life trying to catch a nobody, with little success, I might add. So you tell me: which one of us is the bigger failure?
: All we have to do is haul this transmitter to higher ground - more altitude, less atmosphere. Go high enough and we might be able to get a signal out. Odo
: And how much higher do we have to go? Quark
: Uh... carry the seven, take the square root, times pi... I'd say, er...
[points at the top of the highest mountain
: ...that high.
: You know, if I were still a Changeling, I could've shapeshifted into a Vorian pterodactyl and flown that damn transmitter to the top of the mountain hours ago. Quark
: You're the one who wanted to be a Solid. Odo
: I never wanted to be a Solid. Quark
: Oh, please. I used to see you coming into the bar, watching Morn eat, eyeing my customers, as they gambled and flirted with the dabo girls, wishing you were one of them - not to mention your platonic friendship with a certain Bajoran Major. Odo
: [laughs disparagingly
] If that's the kind of psychological insight you dispense with your drinks, it's a wonder you have any customers. Quark
: Deny it all you want, but the fact is, your people gave you what you wanted. You're one of us now, and I can finally sit on a chair and know with absolute certainty that it isn't you.
: [on the prospect of dying alone on the planet
] My brother will get the bar. My nephew will be completely corrupted by the Federation, and become a Starfleet captain. And my bones will lie here and freeze, unsold, and unmourned.
: You remember back there, when I told you I hated you, and you told me you hated me? Odo
: Vividly. Quark
: I just wanted you to know... I meant every word of it. Odo
: So did I.
: Unauthorized access to crew quarters is a crime, Quark. You could have just asked to use the replicators. Quark
: There's an old Ferengi saying: "Never ask when you can take". Uh... how d'you figure it out? Odo
: You claimed Rom fixed your replicators? Quark
: So? Odo
: Rom's an idiot. He couldn't fix a straw if it was bent. Quark
: You're right, Rom is an idiot. Remind me to get rid of him tomorrow.
[Quark finds out his food carrier was the shape-shifted Odo
: Ah. I thought the front wheels were sticking a bit.
: You, gold! Owe, MEEEE!
[Quark is testing his dabo wheel when Odo enters
: Care to place a friendly wager?... If it's your reputation you're thinking about, no one need ever know. Odo
: It has nothing to do with my reputation. The truth is, I never... learned the game. Quark
: You mean you sat here for all these years and you don't even know how to gamble? Odo
: That's correct. Quark
: No wonder you always look so bored.
: Quark. Am I to believe that you're volunteering to help? Quark
: Who said anything about volunteering? We can haggle over price later.
: Major Kira! Lieutenant Dax! I'd be honored to have you join my little party, as my guests, of course. Major Kira
: What's all this, Quark? You cheat your 1,000th customer? Quark
: Who says Bajorans don't have a sense of humor?
[Quark is talking to an aphasia patient with lots of gestures and mimics
: Food! Dabo! Drinks! Money! Hand, mine - give! Commander Sisko
: Well, Quark, I see even you couldn't weasel your way clear of this one. Quark
: You underestimate the Ferengi immune system, Commander. I'm merely here visiting my less fortunate customers to make sure they're not faking the illness to avoid paying their bills! Commander Sisko
: No one could be that devious. Quark
: I am.
: Odo? Quark to Odo? You're still with us? Odo
: Try not to sound too disappointed.
: I need to get to docking port V now. That ship's gonna explode in five minutes! Quark
: I'll beam you over. Odo
: You? Quark
: Relax. I served on a Ferengi freighter for eight years. Odo
: All right.
[he rushes onto the transporter pad
: I must have witnessed the procedure hundreds of times! Odo
: Witnessed? You mean to say you never handled the controls yourself? Quark
[waves Odo goodbye as he beams him away
[Quark is complaining about the noise Odo makes at night in his quarters
: Do you know what it's like to hear someone practice shape-shifting? Last night, it sounded like a Takaran wildebeest was tromping around up there. Odo
: That was for all of five minutes. Once you complained, I took the form of a Rafalian mouse. Quark
: Yeah. Little tiny feet, skittering across the floor, back and forth, back and forth. Major Kira
: You could hear that? Quark
: [pointing at his ears
: [to Odo
] Anytime there's an unusual crime committed on the station, I run a pool, so that people can bet on how long it'll take for you to catch the perpetrator. It's very popular.
: The fact that the pool exists says something about you - about who you are. People see you as the guy who always gets his man. Now, you're becoming the guy who tears up his quarters, and sits alone in the rubble. And no one's gonna want to place bets on how long someone's gonna sit around in the dark.
[in a fit of rage, Odo has demolished some of his furnishings
: I knew it would come to this. You take the form of an animal, you're gonna end up behaving like one.
: I must say, I really didn't think you had it in you. It takes passion to do something like this. And I always thought you were colder than a Breen winter.
: [to Odo
] Frankly, I don't care whether you and Major Kira end up living happily ever after or not. I just want to see the situation resolved. And the way I see it, you've either got to tell her how you feel, or forget about her and get on with your life. Concentrate on the essentials!
: Well, I've said my piece; sorry for butting in. But I'm just looking out for my business. Odo
: Funny. For a minute there, I thought you were talking to me as a friend.
: I dropped by your quarters this morning. Odo
: Oh? Quark
: I heard some noise, and when I went to complain, I found a work crew installing soundproofing in the floor. I have to say, Odo, I'm touched, that you would do something like that for me. Odo
: I'm having the floor reinforced. The fact that they're soundproofing it as well is incidental. If you think I'd put up with three days of construction for your sake, think again. Quark
: I guess I should've known. Thanks anyway. Odo
: Don't mention it.
: I loved Jadzia as much as anyone in this room - with maybe one or two exceptions - and I am willing to pledge my life to see that she gets into Sto-vo-kor. Martok
: Perhaps there is some Klingon in you after all. Quark
: I wouldn't go that far.
: The things we do for love...
: We're risking our lives to help Jadzia get into Sto-vo-kor. The very least Worf could do is show us some appreciation. Is it so hard to say 'thank you'? Doctor Bashir
: Thank you. Quark
: Nice try, Doctor, but I wanna hear it from him. Chief O'Brien
: Don't do this, Quark. Quark
: Do what? All I'm asking for is two little words. Lt. Commander Worf
: Be quiet! Quark
: That's two words all right. Just not the two I was hoping for.
: So, uh... why all the cutlery? Martok
: We shed our blood to prove we are not frightened of death.
[he cuts his palm with his dagger
: Can't you just take my word for it?
: Take me out of the oven, Moogie. I'm cooked.
: Sto-vo-kor, here we come.
] Ensign Ezri Dax
: [arriving on DS9
] Odo! Nerys, Julian, it's so good to see you. Worf, we need to talk! Doctor Bashir
: Who's that? Jake Sisko
: It's Dax. Lt. Commander Worf
: Dax? Jake Sisko
: That's right. Ezri Dax. Incredible, isn't it? Lt. Commander Worf
: It cannot be. Quark
: She's so much... shorter! Odo
: Just when you thought things couldn't get more interesting...
: I don't believe it. Gagh for Breakfast, Gagh for Lunch, Gagh for Dinner... Am I the only one who thinks Klingon menus need to have more variety? Chief O'Brien
: You want to complain about their Gagh, fine with me but don't complain about it when we're in the Mess Hall sitting at a table surrounded by a dozen Klingons. Quark
: All right I get the point. Doctor Bashir
: Good. Quark
: But I'm telling you I think some of those Klingons agreed with me.
[Brunt is kissing Nagus-to-be Quark's hand passionately
: I think I'm gonna like being Nagus. Don't stop.
: A Nagus has to lead by example. My greed has to be a shining light to everyone, a testament to the rewards of avarice.
: Surely you're aware of the new regulation making all bribes tax-deductible. Quark
: Wait, wait, wait, wait - did you just use the T-word? Brunt
: You mean 'tax'? Quark
: Are you telling me there are... Ts on Ferenginar?
: Whatever happened to survival of the fittest? Whatever happened to the rich getting richer and the poor getting poorer? Whatever happened to pure, unadulterated greed?
: Did you know this Congress of Economic Meddlers actually passed legislation, making monopolies illegal? What's the point of being in business if you can't corner the market, gouge your customers? Rom
: There's something to be said for keeping prices down by ensuring healthy competition. So - what're you gonna do with the bar? Quark
: You can't even dump industrial waste anymore because it might harm the natural habitat. I'm supposed to start worrying about animals now. Look how they live, wallowing in dirt, sleeping in trees. That's not natural! Rom
: I suppose you could argue that Ferenginar's biodiversity is a precious resource that belongs to everyone. So... what are you going to do with the bar? Quark
: And don't even get me started about this whole 'labor rights' thing. What have we come to if you can't demand sexual favors from the people in your employ? Rom
: Unharassed workers are productive workers. So, what-are-you-going-to-do-with-the-bar?
: I won't preside over the demise of Ferengi civilization, not me! The line has to be drawn here! This far and no further!
: As far as I'm concerned, the Ferenginar that I knew doesn't exist anymore. No... I take that back. It *will* exist, right here in this bar. This establishment will be the last outpost of what made Ferenginar great: the unrelenting lust for profit!
[Rom willingly relinquishes the bar to Quark, after buying it earlier from him
: I suppose you're gonna let me keep the 5000 bars of latinum too? Rom
: You're my brother. Quark
: And you're an idiot! But I love you.
[a blind torpedo has gone halfway through the Defiant's hull, sticking through the bulkhead
: We sell these torpedoes to the Jem'Hadar. Quark
: I thought you said you never sold substandard merchandise.
[Hanok gives him a quizzical look
: This was supposed to explode on impact, wasn't it? Hanok
: ...Maybe I should offer them a refund.
[Hanok explains to Quark the Karemma way of doing business
: You make it sound so antiseptic. Where's the bargaining? Where's the scheming? Where is the greed? Hanok
: Greed leads to misjudgment. And that can result in a loss of profits. Quark
: If there's no risk, there's no thrill! Your way is just barter. If you wanna win big, you gotta be willing to play the odds. It's like gambling! Hanok
: Gambling is the last recourse of the desperate. Only a fool would risk losing what he has to chance.
: I hate the Gamma Quadrant.
: [to Hanok
] I tried to cheat you, and I lost. But that doesn't mean I'm gonna give up the game.
: The bigger the risk, the bigger the win!
: I think we have a winner.
[after picking the right diode in a fifty-fifty chance to deactivate the torpedo warhead
: You know - there's another risk you could take. Staying in business with me. Hanok
: You never give up, do you?
: There's no lock that can't be picked.
[Quark gets a visit from an old business partner
: Just passing through, are you? I'll bet you have business in the Gamma Quadrant. You always had a sharp eye for fresh territories. Fallit Kot
: Oh, I'm not going to the Gamma Quadrant. My business is right here, with you. Quark
: With me? Fallit Kot
: That's right.
[he leans in
] Fallit Kot
: I've come to kill you, Quark.
[Quark is serving Fallit Kot selected delicacies
: Here's the real treat: Jumbo Vulcan mollusk, sautéed in Rhombolian butter - a taste so exquisite, it's to die for! Er, or, or to live for, for that matter.
: I'm tired of your gifts, Quark. All I want is your miserable life. Quark
: Wait! Everything's negotiable.
: [16th Rule of Acquisition
] A deal is a deal.
: [of Fallit Kot
] He threatened to kill me.
[Odo answers with a broad smile
: What? Odo
: Nothing. Just a passing thought. Quark
: Odo, he means it! Nothing I do seems to change his mind. You've got to do something. Odo
: I'll do my job, Quark. Quark
[leaves Odo's office
: I suggest you carry a combadge with you at all times. Call me at the first sign of trouble. Quark
: What if the first sign is the last sign? Odo
: You people sell pieces of yourself after you die, don't you? Quark
: Yes. Odo
: I'll buy one.
[Fallit Kot has kidnapped Quark and a couple of Starfleet officers in a runabout, threatening to kill everyone on board if they don't lose the pursuing vessel
: Great! We escape, and he's got something special planned for me. We don't escape, and I just die, with everyone else. Am I missing a choice here, Fallit?
[Quark enters Odo's office
] Oh, it's you. Quark
: Don't be so happy to see me. Odo
: All right, I won't.
: Moogieee! I was so worried! Ishka
: You're a good son. Quark
: I was worried too. Ishka
: And you're a good liar!
[Grand Nagus Zek has given Ferengi females the right to wear clothes and make their own business
: I predict that one day, a female will enter the Tower of Commerce, climb the forty flights of stairs to the Chamber of Opportunity, and take her rightful place as Grand Nagus of the Ferengi Alliance.
[Zek looks at Quark, flabbergasted
: Don't look at me. It was your amendment.
: [as Lumba
] "Drink Slug-o-Cola, and keep your teeth that lovely shade of green."
[Lumba's suggestion for a slogan for Nilva's drink
: Moogie and I argue all the time; it's our way of showing affection.
: I just kicked the Grand Nagus out of my bar. Other Ferengi
: *Acting* Grand Nagus! Quark
: Whatever. I need to lie down.
: You're nice to the customers, you're nice to the dabo girls, you're nice to the Ferengi waiters. You're nice to everyone - almost everyone. Aluura
: You mean I've offended someone? Quark
: Look closely, Aluura. Can't you see the pain in my eyes? Aluura
: But I'm always nice to you. Quark
: I think you could be nicer. Aluura
: How much nicer?
[Quark hands her a PADD
] "Oo-mox for Fun and Profit"? Quark
: It's a quick read. Aluura
: Ooh! You want me to be... "nice".
[Zek has given Quark the "good news" that Ferengi females are allowed to wear clothes and make profit
: Better tell me the bad news. It might cheer me up.
: Rom may make a better female than you, but when it comes to business, you're the better Ferengi. Quark
: [to Rom
] Looks like your stupidity has saved you again. Rom
: It comes in handy sometimes.
: Don't play with my ears, unless you're serious about it.
: There isn't a problem in the world that can't be fixed by the right holosuite program.
: Never trust a Trill, Quark. Quark
: Why not? Arjin
] They're... two-faced. Quark
: That go for all Trills or just for the ones with the worm? Arjin
: Any worm named Dax.
[Quark tells Arjin how he once carelessly threw away a promising career
: How did you recover? Quark
: Never did. Look at me, tending bar out here in Wormhole Junction while the big boys fly by me at warp speed. You only get one shot at the latinum stairway. If you miss it... you miss it. Welcome to the club, son.
: Rule of Acquisition 112: Never have sex with the boss's sister.
[Quark arrives with a Cardassian vole in Ops
: It ran right across a dabo table! Major Kira
: How'd it die? Get into your food?
: As landlords, you're responsible for this. I expect vermin control, or I'm gonna have to... Major Kira
: Leave? Oh, please say leave. I'd take a Cardassian vole over you any day.
: The girl insists on fighting her latent attraction to me.
[Odo and Quark are trapped in Odo's office
: You're telling me I'm stuck here? With you? Odo
: No. *I'm* stuck here with *you*. Believe me, a far worse fate.
: I suppose, during the Occupation, the Cardassians considered their Security Chief a security risk. Quark
: And I know why. Odo
: Oh, do you? Quark
: It's because they knew you were an honorable man - the kind of person who would do the right thing regardless of the circumstances. And now, your integrity is going to get us both killed. I hope you're happy.
: Should've listened to my father. He always warned me this was gonna happen. Odo
: What? That you'd spend your final hours in jail? I could have told you that.
: A lifetime of scheming and plotting, wheeling and dealing, and what has it got me? One measly little bar. My uncle Frin owns thirty, and my cousin Gaila... Odo
: I know, he owns a moon. Quark
: I told you that? Odo
: Many times.
: Quark, I've met a lot of Ferengis in my time. And the truth is, though some of them may have been more wealthy, I've never met one more... devious. Quark
: Really? Odo
: Would I lie?
: [75th Rule of Acquisition
] Home is where the heart is, but the stars are made of latinum.
: [checking out Odo's files
] "A self-important con artist who's nowhere near as clever as he thinks he is." That's your official security evaluation of me? Odo
: Quark, I told you to stay away from the computer. Quark
: Two hours ago, you told me I was the most devious Ferengi you ever met. Odo
: I thought we were going to die. I was trying to be nice. Quark
: Name one Ferengi who is more devious than I am. Odo
: Grand Nagus. Quark
: All right. Name another. Odo
: DaiMon Tye. Quark
: One you personally know. Odo
: Your brother Rom. Quark
: My brother? Odo
: Your uncle Frin. Quark
: Frin? Odo
: Your cousin Gaila. Quark
: Gaila? The one with the moon?
Commander Benjamin Sisko
: It's really quite simple, Quark. You're not going to leave. Quark
: Not going to leave? But we're packed and ready to go. Commander Benjamin Sisko
: Unpack. Quark
: I don't understand, Commander. Why would you want me to stay? Constable Odo
: I'm curious myself. The man is a gambler and a thief. Quark
: I'm not a thief. Constable Odo
: You are a thief! Quark
: If I am, you haven't been able to prove it for four years.
: Commander, I've made a career out of knowing when to leave. And this Bajoran provisional government is far too provisional for my taste. And when governments fall, people like me are lined up and shot. Commander Benjamin Sisko
: There is that risk. But then, you are a gambler, Quark. Odo
: And a thief. Commander Benjamin Sisko
: You know, Quark, that poor boy is about to spend the best years of his life in a Bajoran prison. I'm a father myself. I know what your brother must be going through. The boy should be with his family, not in some cold jail cell. Think about it. It's up to you.
: You know, at first, I didn't think I was going to like him.
[Quark's first line of the series
: Nog! What's going on?
Commander Benjamin Sisko
: My officers, Bajoran engineers, all their families depend on the shops and services of this promenade. If people like you abandon it, this is going to become a ghost town. We need someone to step forward and say "I'm staying. I'm rebuilding". We need a community leader, and it's going to be - you, Quark! Quark
] Community leader! Odo
: Seems reasonable. You have all the character references of a politician.
: New rules? Major Kira
: You can't cheat every customer who walks through the door anymore, Quark. You are a community leader now. Quark
: Very well, very well, perhaps we could discuss these new rules over a drink.
[Kira suddenly grabs Quark at his shirt
] Major Kira
] If you don't take that hand off my hip, you'll never be able to raise a glass with it again. Quark
: Oh, I love a woman in uniform!
: Never trust ale from a god-fearing people, or a Starfleet commander that has one of your relatives in jail.
: Quark if you don't take your hand off of my hip I'll break every bone in your body. Quark
: Wow what a woman!
: Uh, well, what did he say? Odo
: What did who say? Quark
: Commander Sisko, about my idea? Odo
: You mean, using the monitors throughout the station to sell merchandise? Quark
: Stop torturing me, Odo, tell me what he said. Odo
: Guess. Quark
: He said yes! Odo
: Guess again. Quark
: It would triple my profits. How can he refuse? Odo
: Maybe it's because he doesn't like you. Quark
: Don't be ridiculous. Major Kira's the one who doesn't like me; Sisko... Odo
: ...doesn't like you either. Quark
: What'd I ever do to him? Odo
: Oh, I could think of one or two things. Quark
: Oh, one or two things, that's nothing. So do you think there's any way I can, uh, change his mind? Odo
[Quark is making smalltalk to Sisko on a wild planet
: I'm glad we could talk like this. There's nothing like facing the wilderness to bring people closer. Sisko
: The answer is still no, Quark.
: As a wise man once wrote: "Nature decays, but latinum lasts forever".
[Rule of Acquisition #102
: I have the right to express my opinion. Sisko
: I'm about to put my fist in your opinion! Quark
: You don't scare me. And you want to know why you don't scare me? Because I'm already more scared than I've ever been in my life.
: This has not been a good day.
: I think I figured out why Humans don't like Ferengi. Sisko
: Not now, Quark. Quark
: The way I see it, Humans used to be a lot like Ferengi: greedy, acquisitive, interested only in profit. We're a constant reminder of a part of your past you'd like to forget. Sisko
: Quark, we don't have time for this. Quark
: You're overlooking something. Humans used to be a lot worse than the Ferengi: slavery, concentration camps, interstellar wars. We have nothing in our past that approaches that kind of barbarism. You see? We're nothing like you... we're better.
[Rom has returned a beautiful woman's lost wallet
: You worthless tiny-eared fool! Don't you know the First Rule of Acquisition? Rom
: Yes, brother. Quark
: Then say it! Rom
: "Once you have their money, you never give it back."
: Grand Nagus Quark! Quark
: I love the sound of that!
: Tell me, is the Grand Nagus here on business or pleasure? Krax
: Is there a difference?
[Quark has been promoted to Grand Nagus
: Gral just threatened my life! Zek
: So he's the first, is he? Well, he won't be the last.
: [to Rom
] Get out of my sight, before I toss you out the nearest airlock!
: So, Rom, you were gonna toss me out an airlock? Rom
: Forgive me, Brother. Quark
: Forgive you! Why, brother, I didn't think you had the lobes! Such wonderful treachery deserves a reward. I'm gonna make you the assistant manager of policy and clientele here at Quark's. Rom
: W-what exactly does that mean? Quark
: How should I know? Just made it up.
, Jake Sisko
] It's a Klingon bachelor party... Use your imagination.
: I sold my first book today. Quark
: Really? How much did you get for it? Jake Sisko
: It's just a figure of speech. The Federation News Service is going to publish a book of my stories about life on the station under Dominion rule. Quark
: And they're not paying you? Jake Sisko
: No. Quark
: Well, then you have my sympathies, and the first round of drinks is on the house. Jake Sisko
: Really? Quark
: No. It's a figure of speech.
: [of Jadzia
] A woman of many talents. Quark
: It's a shame she's about to waste them all on that walking frown she calls a fiancé. She's too good for him. I've said that from the beginning. Jake Sisko
: Are you jealous? Quark
: There's no profit in jealousy. Jake Sisko
: Well, that's not a denial. Quark
: It's not to be quoted either.
: [about Alexander
] Handsome young man. He must get his looks from his mother's side.
: Quark, take it all away. No food for those on the path to kal'Hyah! Quark
: No refunds for those on the path to kal'Hyah as well. Sorry.
: [Quark is taking down the Klingon decorations in his bar
] What's going on? Quark
: Haven't you heard? The wedding's off! Chief O'Brien
: Off? Why? Quark
: She says it's because he's a pigheaded, stubborn man who puts tradition before everything else. He says it's because she's a frivolous, emotional woman who refuses to take him or his culture seriously. You can see the problem. Chief O'Brien
: They're both right.
: [about Sto-vo-kor
] Imagine what it must be like - hordes of rampaging Klingons, fighting and singing, sweating and belching. Doctor Bashir
: Sounds like this place on a Saturday night. Quark
: Would *you* want to spend eternity here?
: So, what did you find out? Chief O'Brien
: That you should never try to match drinks with a Klingon.
[O'Brien, Bashir and Quark talk about Worf who thinks that Jadzia has not gone into Sto-vo-kor
] Doctor Bashir
: What makes him think she's not in Sto-vo-kor? Chief O'Brien
: Well, for one thing, she never ate the heart of one of her enemies. Quark
: She always was a little squeamish. Chief O'Brien
: And secondly, she didn't die in glorious battle. Quark
: You mean, being murdered by a Pah-wraith in cold blood doesn't count?
: Apparently there is a way for Worf to ensure that Jadzia gets into Sto-vo-kor. He has to win a great battle in her name. Quark
: I could let him beat me at tongo. Chief O'Brien
: Not good enough - unless he has to carve his way through a hundred Jem'Hadar to get to the table.
: The band is threatening to quit. Quark
: They can't quit. They're holograms. Vic Fontaine
: They don't know that!
: You want to get Jadzia into Sto-vo-kor - fine, fine, I'm all for it. But can't you do something more sensible? Make a donation in her name, or bribe someone. Doctor Bashir
: It doesn't work that way, Quark.
: Vulcans are a species that appreciate good ears.
: [to Sakonna
] They have weapons, you have weapons, everyone has weapons; but right now, no one has a clear advantage. So the price of peace is at an all-time low. This is the perfect time to sit down and hammer out an agreement. Don't you get it? Attacking the Cardassians now will only escalate the conflict and make peace more expensive in the long run! Now, I ask you: is that logical?
: [3rd Rule of Acquisition
] Never spend more for an acquisition than you have to.
[Quark has been found out collaborating with Sakonna, and put in a holding cell
: Surely it's no crime keeping company with a beautiful female. You ought to try it, Odo. It might improve your disposition.
: I hope you're happy. Sakonna
: I am a Vulcan. My emotional state is irrelevant. Quark
: Well, I'm a Ferengi, and my emotional state is very relevant. And right now, I'm miserable; and it's all your fault.
[Quark is pushing a heavy chest down the access tunnel
] Dr. Julian Bashir
: Quark, leave it! Quark
: I can't leave it, it's all that I have. My personal mementos, my family album... Dr. Julian Bashir
: It's full of gold-pressed latinum, and you know it. Quark
: ...Who told you? Dr. Julian Bashir
: Your mother did, the day you were born.
[Quark shoves the chest aside and speed-crawls down the tunnel, until he's nose-to-nose with Bashir
: Never make fun of a Ferengi's mother! Rule of Acquisition Number 31!
: Rom, do you actually believe that I would sacrifice my own brother's life? For personal profit?
: It would have to be the deal of a lifetime. Rom
: Yes - my lifetime!
[Odo leads Quark into ops
: He's been brokering seats on the evacuation vessels. Commander Sisko
: Where did you get more seats? Quark
: Everybody always asks the brokers where they get their extra seats; and all I can say, this is my business to find preferred seating for select listed clients... Commander Sisko
: [grabs Quark by his throat
] I have got more than 200 people who want to get off this station. Where did you get more seats? Quark
: A few trades... A person here or there who changed his mind about leaving at the sight of a reasonable stipend. Dr. Julian Bashir
: [over comm
] Bashir to Commander Sisko. Commander Sisko
: Go ahead. Dr. Julian Bashir
: We're having a bit of a panic at the airlock, sir. Far more passengers than we can handle have shown up, and they all claim to have made arrangements to leave. Quark
: I might have overbooked slightly...
: My ship... the Rio Grande... my brother's on it; he's got my ticket. Dr. Julian Bashir
: [to Sisko
] That ship is full, sir, I checked the list myself, and Quark's name wasn't on it. His brother Rom did go aboard, but he was with a dabo girl. Quark
] A dabo girl? What? Commander Sisko
: Looks like he sold your seat.
: Hey, Odo! You'll miss me. You know you will, say it. Odo
: I'll miss you, Quark. Quark
] You said it! Odo
: I'll miss the aggravation, the petty theft, the bad manners... Quark
: Odo - take care of yourself.
[Kira and Odo are paying Quark a visit
: Whatever she told you, I didn't do it. Odo
: Relax, Quark, no one's accusing you of anything. Quark
: Huh... The day's still young.
: You want something from me, don't you? Major Kira
: How'd you guess? Odo
: It's simple: we've been here more than a minute, and we haven't insulted him, threatened him or arrested him.
: I hate payday.
: We need access to certain communication files in the Vedek Assembly records. Quark
: Perfect. Not only is it illegal, it's sacrilegious.
: [285th Rule of Acquisition
] No good deed ever goes unpunished.
: Let me tell you something about Hew-mons, Nephew. They're a wonderful, friendly people, as long as their bellies are full and their holosuites are working. But take away their creature comforts, deprive them of food, sleep, sonic showers, put their lives in jeopardy over an extended period of time and those same friendly, intelligent, wonderful people... will become as nasty and as violent as the most bloodthirsty Klingon. You don't believe me? Look at those faces. Look in their eyes.
: Well, aren't you gonna say something? Nog
: I feel sorry for the Jem'Hadar.
[Quark provides Nog with a ration pack
: Here. You need to keep your strength up. Nog
: Thanks, Uncle, but I can get my own food. Quark
: What's the matter? Afraid of looking weak in front of the Humans? Nog
: I want to earn their respect, if that's what you mean. Quark
: At the price of your soul?
: Take a look around you, Nog. This isn't the Starfleet you know. Nog
: Sure it is. It's just that these people have been through a lot. They've been holed up here a long time, seen two thirds of their unit killed. But they haven't surrendered. Do you know why? Because they're heroes.
: Rule of Acquisition 125: "You can't make a deal if you're dead."
: We like games. Quark
: Doesn't everybody?
: There's an old Ferengi expression: good things come in small packages.
: One man's priceless is another man's worthless.
: Your pieces will meet the Chandra. Quark
: The Chandra? What does that mean? Is that good or bad? Falow
: Neither. Both. Quark
: I don't understand. Falow
: Ah, but there's the key. Some will never understand, while others will consider it... mere child's play.
: I'll never cheat again!
: [of Dax
] Poor woman. She's obviously infatuated with me. Odo
] You're deluding yourself. Quark
: There's nothing wrong with a good delusion. I sell them upstairs to dozens of people every day. Besides, there is something in her eyes when she looks at me. Odo
: Hmm - an allergic reaction no doubt.
: It's good to want things. Odo
: Even things you can't have? Quark
: Especially things I can't have.
: I'm watching you, Quark. Quark
: And I'm watching you, Jadzia.
: [speaking of Dax
] ... Every man on the station would like to be buying her a raktajino. Quark
: Ah, but I'm the one with the raktajino machine.
: I won't be going with you. I'm simply a middleman. A facilitator. Durg
: A profit monger. Quark
: And proud of it.
: I have no time for fantasies. Quark
: Yeah - no imagination, huh? Odo
: A waste of time. Too many people dream of places they'll never go, wish for things they'll never have, instead of paying adequate attention to their real lives.
[on a view screen, Odo sees Quark trapped in a holding cell
: How did you get in there? Quark
: How did I get in here? You put me in here! Odo
: Ah, hm - I guess I did, didn't I?
[vanishes from screen
: No imagination indeed. Ha!
: I could create a shapeshifter playmate for you. The two of you could, uh... intermingle. Odo
: You're disgusting! Quark
: It's a living.
: With all these Hew-mons coming now, the true entrepreneur knows how to sniff the wind. Try it - go ahead. Odo
: I have no sense of smell. Quark
: You don't need one to detect the scent of o-ppor-tunity!
: You're still disgusting. Quark
: Till the day I die.
: Earth's nothing more than a rotating ball of boredom.
Colonel Kira Nerys
: Just between you and me, all bets are off. Quark
: What're you talking about? Colonel Kira Nerys
: As of this moment, betting pools of any kind are illegal on the station. I catch someone placing a bet, I put *you* in a holding cell for fifteen days, is that clear? Quark
: Fifteen days? Can I bring my own pillow? Colonel Kira Nerys
: Quark. Quark
: It's clear, it's clear. Colonel Kira Nerys
: Better be.
: A-ha, I knew it! When I saw the two of you slip out, I said to myself, that no-good, misanthropic, cantankerous changeling is trying to sneak off the station without anyone noticing. Odo
: That was the idea. Quark
: Well, it's not gonna happen, is it? Odo
: Apparently not. Quark
: So - now that I'm here... is there something you want to say to me? Odo
: Such as? Quark
: Such as... 'Goodbye. You certainly were a worthy adversary.' Or maybe something with the words 'mutual respect' in it. Odo
: No. Quark
: No? What do you mean, no? Odo
: I mean, no. I have nothing I want to say to you. Quark
: You telling me that after all these years, after all we've been through, you're not even gonna say goodbye to me? Odo
: That's right. Nerys, I'll be on the runabout.
[he utters one last contemptuous grunt and mounts the runabout
] Colonel Kira Nerys
: Don't take it hard, Quark. Quark
: Hard? What're you talking about? That man loves me! Couldn't you see? It was written all over his back.
[Quark's - and last line of the series
: Ah, it's like I said: the more things change, the more they stay the same.
: The usual, Odo? Odo
: Nothing. Quark
: The usual.
: That... Croden... is an interesting character. Quark
: I wouldn't know. Odo
: Really? I thought you said you got to know him rather well. Quark
: I never told you that! I merely said we chatted when he bought a drink or two. Odo
: I've talked to several people who saw the two of you engaged in heavy conversations, while Morn here says you even bought the fellow a meal. Quark
: Morn should keep his big mouth shut!
: You should sympathize with my kindness. Odo
: There's no profit in kindness. Quark
: You attribute odious motives to my every charitable act. Odo
: That's because your favorite charity is your own pocket.
: You think the whole galaxy is plotting around you, don't you? Paranoia must run in your species, Odo. Maybe that's why no one has ever seen another shape-shifter. They're all hiding!
: The things I do for money...
[Quark is honoring Kira as his one millionth customer
] Major Kira
: Quark, I don't have time for this! Major Kira
: [pointing at the next customer
] Why don't you make him your one millionth customer? Quark
: But Major, that would be dishonest. Major Kira
: That never stopped you before!
: What do you think you're doing, Quark? Quark
: Nothing. Odo
: Ha! Major Kira
: Then what's this? Quark
: Oh, you mean this holo-imager? I was just recording the image of the Promenade to send home to my mother. Odo
: Ha! Major Kira
: You're trying to take a holo-scan of me, and I wanna know why. Quark
: Of you? Not at all! You just happened to get in the frame. Odo
: Ha! Quark
: Will you stop doing that? Odo
: Not until you start telling the truth.
: Isn't there some petty thief you can harass? Odo
: Just you.
[Quark is sharing his winnings with Rom
: ...One for you and six for me - one for you and six for me... Would you stop looking so glum? Pay day is supposed to be a time of... joy! Rom
: I know, brother. But every week it's the same thing - six for you and only one for me. It's not fair! Quark
: You're right. Rom
: I am? Quark
: Yes. It's not fair. Rom
: It's not? Quark
: Absolutely not!
[Rom becomes excited with expectation
: [resuming the distribution
] One for you, and... *seven* for me. One for you...
: Really Odo, sometimes I think there's no pleasing you! I help you crack a notorious smuggling ring, and yet you still insist on treating me like the enemy? Odo
: You *are* the enemy.
: From now on, you and I are going to be friends. Odo
: You're up to something. Quark
: Why would you say that? Odo
: Because you're always up to something.
: [76th Rule of Acquisition
] Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the hell out of your enemies.
[Vash is massaging Quark's ears over a business deal
: I'll not be distracted by your feminine wiles. I demand 40%... All right, 30. Vash
: What magnificent cartilage. Quark
: 22, and don't stop!
: I can't decide what's more intoxicating - this Gamzian wine or your negotiating skills.
: I have nothing to hide. I'm selling quality merchandise to select clientele. Odo
: And what makes them so... select? Quark
: They're all ridiculously wealthy - and not too bright.
: [of his select clientèle
] I don't care about their manners. The important thing is, they're honest collectors of antiquities, every one. Vash
: How honest? Quark
: As honest as you and I. Vash
: Then we'd better keep a close eye on them.
: I don't think I've ever felt this good about the end of a relationship. Leeta
: Oh, I agree. Now I can finally be honest about my feelings. Doctor Bashir
: What does *that* mean? Leeta
] It's just... In the past few months I've been thinking a lot about another man. Quark
: Let me get this straight: while you were still dating Julian here, you were having fantasies about someone else? Leeta
: I'd rather not discuss it now. Doctor Bashir
: Oh, no no no no no, you brought it up, you might as well tell me who it is. Quark
: Yes, do tell! Leeta
[looks quizzically at Quark
] Me? Leeta
: Your brother. Rom. Quark
: My brother Rom? Doctor Bashir
: His brother Rom! Leeta
] He's so cute... and very sexy...
] Doctor Bashir
: Cute! Quark
: Sexy? Doctor Bashir
] Rom? Quark
: [hands Bashir his Horga'hn
] Here. You need this more than I do.
: I have seen drier days on Ferenginar; and we have 178 different words for rain. Right now it's glemmening out there. And that's bad.
[the guests have complained about the food on Risa
: It's the humidity. It dampens the food, makes everything mushy. Trust me, there's no word for 'crisp' on Ferenginar.
: What you need is a Ferengi. Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax
: Maybe. But what I want is Worf. Doctor Bashir
: Why? Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax
: Because he has the courage of a berserker cat, and he has the heart of a poet. Quark
: And the brain of a pig-headed idiot. Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax
: Yeah, sometimes.
: Now, er, you mentioned a business proposition. Sakonna
: It is a private matter. I would rather not discuss it here. Quark
: Then we can discuss it over dinner. That is, we can plan the business meeting to coincide with when you think you might get hungry. Sakonna
: That would be acceptable. Quark
: That would be wonderful. How does eight sound to your tummy?
: Rule of Acquisition number 214: Never begin a business negotiation on an empty stomach.
: Are you trustworthy? Sakonna
: I'm a Vulcan.
: Now then - what kind of business proposition do you have in mind? Sakonna
: I wish to procure weapons. Quark
: [almost chokes on his drink
] I beg your pardon? Sakonna
: Guns, phaser banks, photon torpedoes... Quark
: Sshhh! Sakonna
: ...troop transports and a number of cobalt-thorium devices. My list is quite extensive. Quark
] You're a gun-runner? Sakonna
: I am prepared to pay in latinum, and I will very likely need a continuous supply for the foreseeable future. Quark
] You're not like other Vulcans, are you?
: I want you to try something for me. Take a sip of this. Elim Garak
: What is it? Quark
: A human drink. It's called root beer. Elim Garak
] Uh, I don't know... Quark
: Come on, aren't you just a little bit curious?
[Garak sighs, takes a sip and gags
: What do you think? Elim Garak
: It's *vile*! Quark
: I know. It's so bubbly, and cloying, and *happy*. Elim Garak
: Just like the Federation. Quark
: But you know what's really frightening? If you drink enough of it, you begin to *like* it. Elim Garak
: It's insidious! Quark
: *Just* like the Federation.
: [on Worf
] Just what the station needs - another Klingon.
: Am I glad we finally got rid of all those Klingons - er, present company excepted, of course.
[Worf stares at him, then gets up and leaves
] Chief O'Brien
: I gotta hand it to you, Quark. You really know how to make your customers feel welcome.
[gets up and leaves as well
: What do I care? All he ever drinks is prune juice.
: [Worf arrives at the promenade for the first time
] Let me guess, Kilngon bloodwine. Lt. Commander Worf
: Prune juice. Chilled. Quark
] Prune juice!
[Worf glares at him
: If you say so.
: Commander, you throw one hell of a party!
[after Bareil has engaged Sisko in a fistfight and Dax in return knocked down the Vedek
: That's right, genuine latinum-plated renewal scroll inscription pens, blessed by Vedek Redab himself, shortly before he passed away. Each pen is engraved with the words 'Deep Space Nine's Third Annual Gratitude Festival', today's date and a lovely portrait of the station, by Ermat Zimm. So, get them while you can! They're sure to become collector's items.
[Quark's advertising slogan
: Here - have a free pen. Chief O'Brien
: What for? Quark
: To write down your problems on a renewal scroll. Chief O'Brien
: There isn't a scroll long enough for all my problems. Quark
: Really? I thought you could sum them up with one word: Keiko.
: [infatuated with Keiko
] My ears tingle at the sight of you. Marry me?
: Humanoid death rituals are an interest of mine. Quark
: Death rituals? Odo
: Everybody needs a hobby.
: I am merely a businessman. It would take an orator with the skills of the late, great Plegg himself to sing the praises of the late, great Plegg.
: Some species burn their dead, others pack them in blocks of ice. Some even surround themselves with the company of family corpses. But the Ferengi ritual, of chopping up their loved ones and selling them, huhuhuh, I find that... irresistible. Quark
: I'm very busy here. Odo
: What a fitting and distinguished way to honor the memory of great Ferengi entrepreneurs. I'm thinking of starting a collection, putting up a display case in my office. There'll be a special space in there reserved just for you, Quark.
: [Odo is buying the remains of a Ferengi from Quark
] There is one thing I was curious about. Quark
: And what's that? Odo
: How do I know it's Plegg? Quark
: It says so on the label. Odo
: Isn't there some sort of letter of authenticity? Quark
: The Ferengi Seal of Dismemberment is right here! What more do you want? Odo
: I want Plegg! Quark
: You've got him! Odo
: Not if he's still alive. Quark
: Still alive? Odo
: Still alive. Quark
: Plegg? Odo
: After I tracked him down on Khosla II, told him about your little scheme, he was quite amused.
: I'm. Not.
[Worf and Dax return from the holo-suite
] Doctor Bashir
: You were supposed to be up there exercising. I don't see any sweat. Where are all the bruises, the... the... the broken bones, the blood? Lt. Commander Worf
: We were talking. Quark
: For an hour and 45 minutes? Lt. Commander Worf
: It is a private matter. Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax
: We're thinking about having a baby! Lt. Commander Worf
: It *was* a private matter.
: A baby! Quark
: It's bad enough she married that Klingon psychopath. Doctor Bashir
: A baby - do you have any idea what that means? Quark
: That their marriage's gonna last a lot longer than we thought.
[Bashir and Quark are brooding in Vic's lounge over their lost love
] Vic Fontaine
: It's simple: you take one beautiful, happily married filly, add the possibility of her giving birth to a foal, and what's that leave you? A couple of lovesick stallions that never got out of the starting gate. Quark
: [to Bashir
] You have any idea what he's talking about?
Lieutenant Jadzia Dax
: As the 34th Rule of Acquisition states, "Peace is good for business". Quark
: That's the 35th Rule. Lieutenant Jadzia Dax
: Oh, you're right. What's the 34th? Quark
: "War is good for business". It's easy to get them confused.
: The way I see it, it won't be long before there's a permanent Cardassian presence on the station - scientists, diplomats... spies!
: Rumor has it that the shop next door to mine is going out of business. I'm thinking of renting it and setting up a few Cardassian gaming concessions. Odo
: There'll be no live vole fights on the Promenade, Quark. Quark
: I would never be party to anything so cruel and inhumane! But... of course, if some Cardassians happen to bring their voles along, and they happen to get into a fight, I could hardly be held responsible! Odo
: Oh, yes, you could! Commander Sisko
: And you will be.
: If I may say so, it's been my special pleasure to see many new officers like yourself come through these portals. Your parents must be very proud, my boy.
: We were warned about the Ferengi at the Academy. Quark
: Warned about Ferengi, were you? Harry Kim
: That's right. Quark
: Slurs about my people at Starfleet Academy! Harry Kim
: What I meant was, I... Quark
: Here I am trying to be a cordial host, knowing how much a young officer's parents would appreciate a token of his love on the eve of a dangerous mission, and what do I get for my trouble? Scurrilous insults!
: You know, I think a memento for my parents would be a great idea. Quark
: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Harry Kim
: Really. One of these would, would make a great pendant for my mother. Quark
: Or cuff links for your father. Harry Kim
: Cuff links, great idea! Quark
: They're not for sale! Now, inform your commanding officer that the Federation Council can expect an official query... Harry Kim
: How much for the entire tray? Quark
: Cash or credit?
: Quark, get this into that little twisted brain of yours! If you thought you were gonna get away with anything while Odo's gone, think again! I'm watching you. Quark
: Major. You make it sound like you don't like me. Major Kira
: Don't like you? You collaborated with the Cardassians, you cheat your customers, and you're a danger to the station. I don't just not like you. I despise you!
] Sorry I mentioned it.
: Life is full of disappointments.
: By the way, Prylar Rhit tells me that you encouraged him to invite Bareil onto the station. Quark
: That a crime? Major Kira
: Not at all. I just wanted to thank you. I found him very...
[her look becomes piercing
] Major Kira
[walks off and joins Bareil on the Promenade
: [under his breath
] Not diverting enough.
[Quark is telling Morn a joke
: ...Then the Andorian says: "That's not my antenna".
[Morn shows no reaction
: Why do I bother?
[Bashir and O'Brien come out of a holosuite, dressed in WW II flying jackets and caps
: So, what can I get you two fly-boys? Doctor Bashir
: Scotch. Neat. And a pint of your finest bitter for my mate. Chief O'Brien
: [with English accent
] And make it quick. The cabbage crates'll be coming back over the briny any minute now. Quark
: All right, all right! I'd hate to let the Jerries strafe that green and pleasant land of yours, while the two of you were taking time out to get a drink. Doctor Bashir
: No choice, man. Ritual, you know.
[they raise their glasses
] Chief O'Brien
: [English accent
] To Clive, the best bloke ever to prang his kite into the Channel. Doctor Bashir
: Ah, gotta keep a stiff upper lip. Chief O'Brien
: Hear, hear. Doctor Bashir
: Down the hatch!
[and both chug their drinks in one gulp
: You probably wouldn't understand this, Quark, but... when you care about a place and it's in trouble and you wanna do something about it, and you can't, it's very frustrating. Quark
: I know exactly what you mean. When the Great Monetary Collapse hit Ferenginar, I was hundreds of light years away, serving as a ship's cook on a long-haul freighter. I can't tell you the heartbreak I suffered, knowing that rampant inflation and currency devaluation were burning like wildfires through the lush financial foliage of my home! It still depresses me even today. I remembered thinking my accounts needed me, and there was nothing I could do. I-I-I felt so... so helpless! So you see - I do understand. Chief O'Brien
: Somehow, you telling me that doesn't make me feel the least bit better.
[Nog is anxious to be admitted to Starfleet Academy
] Jake Sisko
: Don't worry so much, Nog. You'll be a great cadet. Quark
: In the meantime, you make a lousy stock boy. Why can't you take after your friend here? He knows enough to stay out of Starfleet. Even a Hew-man can see there's a lot more profitable opportunities out there for a young man with ambition. Nog
: Uncle, he wants to be a writer. There's no profit in that.
: Odo? What happened to your face? Odo
: [embodying Curzon
] Never mind my face.
[he grabs Quark by the ears and gives him a smacker on his forehead
: Did I ever mention you're a magnificent scoundrel?
: What can I get you, Nog? Nog
: Um... A root beer. It's an Earth drink. Something they serve at the Academy. Quark
: Root beer. This is the end of Ferengi civilization.
: Sit tight and trust your older brother. Rom
: But I don't want you to try to save me. Leeta
: What are you talking about? Leeta
: [to Quark
] They must have done something to his mind! Quark
: What mind?
: You've got to finish what I started. The fate of the entire Alpha Quadrant rests in your hands. Billions and billions of people are counting on you. Quark
: Boy, are they gonna be disappointed. Rom
: Brother... You can do this. You have to do this. You will do this! Quark
: What happens if I get caught? Rom
: Then we'll die together - side by side, heads held high, knowing we did our best. Leeta
: Oh Rom! Quark
: But I don't want to die. Rom
: If that's what's written... then that's what's written.
: One kanar. Want me to leave the bottle? Damar
: Maybe I should have you taste it first - make sure it isn't poisoned. Quark
: Poisoning the customers is bad for business. Damar
: True. But some people may place their brother's revenge above business. Quark
: Not this Ferengi.
: I'll never understand the humanoid need to... 'couple.' Quark
: You've never... coupled? Odo
: Choose not to. Too many compromises. You want to watch the karo-net tournament; she wants to listen to music, so you compromise - you listen to music. You like Earth Jazz; she prefers Klingon Opera so you compromise - you listen to Klingon Opera. So here you were ready to have a nice night watching the karo-net match and you wind up spending an agonizing evening listening to Klingon Opera.
: [about Odo
] He's an ill-tempered, overbearing, cross-patch. But he was no Cardassian collaborator, and he's no killer. Zayra
: I can't believe you're defending him, Quark. You're his worst enemy. Quark
: Guess that's the closest thing he has in this world to a friend.
: Quark - think you could use a shape-shifter in your organization? Quark
: [looks at Odo puzzled, then laughs nervously
] You had me going. Odo
: I did, didn't I?
: [about Rom
] I know, I know - he couldn't find a cup of water if you dropped him in a lake, but... even if he is an idiot, he's still my brother. Odo
: And you'd betray him in a second if it suited your interests. Quark
: That doesn't mean I don't love him.
[Quark shams injury, allowing Bashir to ambush T'Kar with a hypospray
: Thank you, Doctor. I feel better already.
[Bashir removes the box with Odo in it from the stasis field
] Doctor Bashir
: Odo's in here, we have to get him out. Quark
: Are you sure? Doctor Bashir
[Quark gives a "just kidding" shrug
] Doctor Bashir
: If only we knew the access code. Quark
: [leans over the box and tries the combination lock
] Ah... standard Dagorian locking mechanism. Sophisticated... but vulnerable, if you know its weakness. Hand me that laser scalpel.
[Quark cuts a hole in the side of the box, presses something inside, then tries the combination again, listening carefully. The box opens
: It's a gift.
: What do you know about the murder of Ensign Aquino? Quark
: You wound me. All these years together I thought you knew me. Odo, I am not a killer! Odo
: No, but most of your friends are. Quark
: True, and I would gladly sell one of them to you if I could. But unfortunately, none of them are taking credit for the death of the Starfleet officer - sorry.
: Keep your ears open. Quark
: Are you kidding? That's the Seventh Rule of Acquisition.
[a group of Bajorans have arrived at the station
: Don't tell me - there's a Bajoran convention on this station I didn't know about? Thanks, Odo! I need to call in more dabo girls. Odo
: It's not a convention. They're from an orthodox spiritual order coming to support Vedek Winn's efforts to keep the Bajoran children out of school. Quark
: Orthodox? In that case I'll need twice as many dabo girls. The spiritual types love those dabo girls!
: Quark, did you hear? Chief O'Brien is having a baby! Quark
: I thought your females carried your young.
: I remember when my nephew Nog was a baby. Cutest thing you ever saw! You know babies - every little thing they pick up goes straight into their ears.
: Did you hear? Keiko's gonna have another baby! Lt. Commander Worf
] Now? Chief O'Brien
: No! Seven months. Lt. Commander Worf
: I see... Chief O'Brien
: [to Bashir
] Worf delivered Molly, you know. Doctor Bashir
: Really? Chief O'Brien
: The Enterprise was damaged. Keiko and he were trapped together when her time came. Doctor Bashir
: [to Worf
] Oh well, I'll, uh, be sure and call you, when she's ready to deliver; you can lend a hand. Lt. Commander Worf
: Seven months? Unfortunately I will be away from the station at that time... Far away... Visiting my parents, on Earth... Excuse me.
[leaves in a hurry
: Brother! Are you all right? Quark
: No, I am not all right. I just shared a bottle of kanar with... Damar.
: I tried. I tried my best to run my establishment under this occupation. But you know what, it's no fun. I don't like Cardassians. They're mean and arrogant. And I can't stand the Jem'Hadar. They're creepy. They just stand there like statues, staring at you. That's it. I don't want to spend the rest of my life doing business with these people. I want the Federation back. I want to sell root beer again!
[Damar has been promoted to the rank of gul
: Wait a minute - you started a fight in my bar, and now you're getting a promotion? What kind of way is that to run an army?
: All I know is that any marriage where the female is allowed to speak and wear clothing is doomed to failure.
: [of Rom's and Leeta's marriage
] I give it two months.
: Did you think you could just walk back in here and get your old job back? Rom
: Actually I'm a spy, working for Starfleet. But don't tell anyone! Quark
: Federation's more desperate than I thought.
: Now, when we get to the entrance, you stay flat against the wall. It's a pulsatel lockseal. I can get it to release in 25 seconds. Rom
: 25 seconds? But somebody will see us. Let me do it! Quark
: You? Ha! We'd be at it all night. Rom
: All night? M... n... no. Only about ten seconds. Quark
: How would you get a pulsatel lockseal to release in ten seconds? Rom
: You have one on the storeroom door. Quark
: So? Rom
: Sometimes, when you forget to leave me the de-sealer, I... have to get the storeroom open. Quark
: You've unsealed the storeroom without my knowledge? Rom
: Only to serve the customer's needs. Quark
: In ten seconds? Rom
: You forget fairly often.
: I'm looking for the proprietor of this establishment. Quark
: Does he owe you money? Odo
: No. Quark
: Are you here to arrest him? Odo
: No. Quark
: Then you've found him. Quark, at your service.
: She paid you, for an alibi. I wonder how Gul Dukat will react when I tell him about that. Quark
: I'm sure it'll cost me a case of Cardassian ale. Gul Dukat
: [entering the scene
] Two cases, at the very least.
: Since when did you add ancient Klingon battles to your holosuite programs? Quark
: The captain of the last Klingon ship that went through the wormhole sold some to me. Odo
: Uh-huh. Quark
: I know, I know, it's brutal! It's violent. It's bloody. But to the Klingons, it's entertainment.
: He only paid for one hour. He's been in there for three, fighting the Battle of Klachdachbrach or some such thing over and over. Odo
: The Battle of Klach D'Kel Brakt is a legendary Klingon victory over the Romulans almost a century ago. Quark
: Well, he's been losing it all afternoon. And he says he's not coming out until he wins! I banged on the door; he sealed himself in. I threatened to shut off the power; he threatened to kill me. Odo
: [with mock sympathy
: Shut off the power. Quark
: He'll kill you. Odo
: No - he said he'll kill *you*.
: [to Odo
] You're not exactly the most lovable person in the galaxy. You're not even the most lovable person in this sector... or on the station... or even in this room.
: You're up late, Doctor. Doctor Bashir
: Yeah - can't sleep. Feeling a bit tense, actually. Quark
: I've got just the thing: one 'Warp Core Breach', coming right up.
[he prepares the drink
: A few sips of this... and you'll be relaxed for the next three days. Doctor Bashir
: I'm not *that* tense, Quark.
: [about Rom
] He needs a woman with a body and brains. Leeta
: I have brains. Quark
: Sure you do, honey. That's why I hired you. Now, eat up, and then take those brains back to the dabo wheel where the customers can get a good long look at them.
: [of Leeta
] She's a female, Rom. And the one constant in the universe is, females are trouble.
: You know, Morn... There's nothing more invigorating than breakfast in a bar. Where else can you get raw slug liver first thing in the morning?
[Rom comes into the bar after his night shift. Quark places a bowl with some sort of mash in front of him without comment
: What's this? Quark
: What do you mean, 'what's this'? It's puree of beetle. Rom
: I didn't order it. Quark
: Of course you didn't order it; you don't need to order it. You have it after work every morning!
: Captain! You're just in time for happy hour. Captain Sisko
: Do I look happy, Quark?
: [about Odo
] We all have our failures, and he's mine. Ever since he lost his shapeshifting abilities, I haven't been able to get a smile out of him. Captain Sisko
: Where is he? Quark
: I'm telling you, Captain, that's one depressed ex-Changeling. He's upstairs at his usual table. Just follow the black cloud.
: It's all about foot traffic. The more people come in, the more they drink, the more they drink, the more they talk, the more they talk, the more they let slip things that I shouldn't know, and that, oh, that always leads to latinum. Lt. Commander Worf
: Perhaps so, but there is one problem. Quark
: What's that? Lt. Commander Worf
: There's an ancient Klingon proverb that says, "You cannot loosen a man's tongue with root beer."
: Time flies when you're having fun.
: What can I do for you, Major? Major Kira
: Get lost.
: I heard you had some problems with the Klingons the last time they came through. Quark
: Spare me from beings who think pain is pleasure.
: In small doses, perhaps...
: Just goes to show: give the people what they want, and they'll show up in droves.
: You know, we just introduced a new lunch menu at the bar. Doctor Bashir
] Goodbye, Quark. Garak
: Don't take it personally. He's turning thirty.
[Lwaxana Troi has lost her latinum hair brooch and is accusing Quark of theft, grabbing his ears
] Lwaxana Troi
: You are dealing with the daughter of the Fifth House, Holder of the Sacred Chalice of Rixx and the Holy Rings of Betazed! Quark
: Ow, not my ear, please! Lwaxana Troi
: Yes, and I know where it hurts the most, you little troll! Now I want this room sealed, and I want everyone in it strip-searched until you find my brooch!
: You're Betazoid? Lwaxana Troi
: Of course. Odo
: Telepathic? Lwaxana Troi
: Yes. Odo
: And you sense no guilt anywhere in this room?
[Lwaxana Troi sighs and "scans" the room with her mind, then eyes Quark suspiciously
] Lwaxana Troi
: No. But Betazoids cannot read Ferengis. Odo
: Quark has plenty of reason to feel guilty, but he usually doesn't have to resort to petty theft to fleece his clients. Quark
: Thank you.
: From now on, every hour is happy hour - at least until business picks up. Eat, drink and be merry. Doctor Bashir
: For tomorrow, we die.
: Who knows? The rest of the tablet probably says "Go to Quark's. It's happy hour." Quark
: I like the way you think, Doctor.
: [to Sisko
] I found 27 voles in his storeroom. Quark
: Vole infestations are not uncommon on this station. If you don't believe me, ask Chief O'Brien. Odo
: When I came in, he and Morn were painting numbers on the voles' backs. Quark
: We were just... counting them, to see how many we'd caught. Commander Sisko
: You were getting ready to stage a vole fight. Quark
: A vole fight? I'm appalled. Do you really think that was what Morn was up to? Commander Sisko
: Constable, I want the voles confiscated and removed from the station. Quark
: You can't confiscate Morn's voles, they're like his pets! Commander Sisko
: I'll see if I can get him some... goldfish.
: Poor Morn. This is going to break his hearts.
: Laas was only doing what comes naturally to us. Quark
: You never pulled a stunt like that. You're smart enough to know that people don't wanna be reminded that you're different. Who wants to see somebody turn into goo?
: Don't you get it, Odo? We humanoids are a product of millions of years of evolution. Our ancestors learned the hard way that what you don't know might kill you. They wouldn't have survived if they hadn't jumped back when they encountered a snake coiled in the muck; and now, millions of years later, that instinct is still there. It's genetic. Our tolerance to other life forms doesn't extend beyond the two-arm, two-leg variety. I hate to break this to you; but when you're in your natural state, you're more than our poor old genes can handle.
: What are you up to? Odo
: I am happy, Quark, can't you just accept that? Quark
: No. It doesn't fit. If you're happy, there's something very wrong in the world. The center cannot hold.
: Do you ever think about having children? Quark
: Huh? Odo
: See, I never did. It just seemed like too much trouble. But then, fate dropped one into my lap. And I couldn't be happier.
[Quark has tried to replicate a decaffeinated variety of raktajino, yet with little success
: The removal of caffeine from beverages has plagued bartenders and restaurateurs for centuries. You can't expect me to solve it overnight. Chief O'Brien
: I'm not paying for that! Odo
: So much for 'Quarktajino'.
: Back home, pregnancy is considered a rental. Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax
, Major Kira
: I think you're lying, Quark. Quark
: About what part? Ruwon
: All of it. Quark
: Well, at least I'm consistent.
: Trust me, Quark. Darts and bars go together like bacon and eggs. Quark
: At least people order bacon and eggs.
: What's love? Love's a distraction. And a distracted policeman is... an opportunity.
: I'm gonna win this one, Jake. You know what the best part is? I beat Odo - I finally beat him!
[Worf and O'Brien are running a bet - for a bottle of blood wine against a bottle of scotch whiskey respectively - about the outcome of a tongo game between Dax and 206-times-winner Quark, during which Dax seems to come out on top
] Lt. Commander Worf
: [cheering, to O'Brien
] I like my blood wine very young and very sweet. Quark
: [at the tongo table
] Is he a friend of yours? Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax
: Just a fan. Quark
: I'm afraid I'm gonna have to disappoint all your fans.
[lays down his cards
] Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax
] A full consortium? Chief O'Brien
: [to Worf
] 207. A single malt, preferably something from the Highlands.
: [after losing to Quark at tongo
] Quark, did you really mean all that? About Dax? Being my one last chance for true happiness? Quark
: Doctor - you don't expect me to show you all my cards, do you?
[after Quark informs Odo who is supplying The Circle with weapons, but refuses to try and find out more
: Quark, I hate to do this, but I guess I'll have to... Quark
: That's not fair! Odo
: I haven't done anything yet. Quark
: Whatever you're going to do, it's not fair! Odo
: You're a deputy. Quark
: It's not - what? Odo
: You're a deputy. I want you to find out where the weapons are going on Bajor. Meanwhile, I'm going to find out exactly where they're coming from. Quark
: You and me, a team? Odo
: That's right.
[Quark bursts out laughing, bowing over the chair in hysterics, then sobers
: Uh, goodbye. Odo
: Either that or I'm putting you in a cell. Quark
: *That's* not fair. On what charge? Odo
: Impeding an investigation. Unless you want to reveal the identities of the people you've been talking to. Quark
: You know I can't do that. Odo
: It's your choice. You're a deputy or you're a prisoner. Quark
: [with fake enthusiasm
] I'm a deputy.
: It's over. Odo
: What're you talking about? Quark
: Everything. Bajor, the provisional government, the Federation being here, all of it. We got to leave. Well, I do anyway. You can just turn into a couch.
[Quark is serving drinks
: Let's see - two Bajoran synthales, a glass of Gamzian wine, and a Trixian bubble juice for the little lady. Varis
] I'm not a little lady!
[throws her drink in Quark's face and walks out
: I'm still charging her for that drink.
: Major, what a pleasant surprise. I always look forward to one of your infrequent visits. Major Kira
: Spare me the small talk and give me a star drifter. Quark
: So, er... how are the negotiations coming along? Major Kira
: ...Better make it a double.
[Quark serves Kira a drink
: This one's on the house. Major Kira
: What do you want, Quark? Quark
: The usual: peace, love and understanding - not to mention a generous profit margin.
: You know, I never expected to say this, but as occupations go - this one's not so bad. Major Kira
: Yeah, I suppose that's true if all you're worried about is a monthly balance sheet. Quark
: I'm not just concerned with profit, Major. Look around: do you see any ghetto fences dividing the promenade? Or exhausted Bajoran slave laborers sprawled on the ground after a grueling day in the ore processing center? Do you hear the cries of starving children? I don't. Now don't get me wrong; I miss the Federation too. All I'm saying is: things could be a lot worse.
[Dax has performed some magic tricks which Quarks tries in vain to explain
] Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax
: Don't worry, Quark, you'll figure it out eventually.
[she suddenly looks at Quark startled
: What? Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax
: No wonder you can't figure it out.
[she reaches for Quark's ear and pulls a strip of latinum out of it
] Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax
: Your head's full of latinum!
: [after painfully establishing Jadzia's and Lenara's former relationship
] I'm sorry I brought the whole thing up; it's giving me a headache. Doctor Bashir
: It must be all the latinum rattling around in there...
[he suddenly scrutinizes Quark's ear, reaches out and repeats Jadzia's earlier trick on him
] Doctor Bashir
: Oh - I thought so. You really should have that looked at.
: You're offering 10 to 1 to anyone betting against me tomorrow? Quark
: That's right. Chief O'Brien
: I'd make it 15, if I were you.
: Doctor! Welcome to the zone!
[after Bashir has hit bullseye on his first attempt
: To our dear departed comrades. We may have had our differences but I'll say this for them men - it's the highest tribute I can think of: they were good customers. They always paid their bar bills on time.
: At times like this, I'm reminded of the 57th Rule of Acquisition: "Good customers are as rare as latinum. Treasure them!"
Commander William T. Riker
: Quark! I see you remember me. Quark
: How could I forget the only man ever to win triple-down dabo on one of my tables? Commander William T. Riker
: And how could I forget that you didn't have enough latinum to cover my winnings?
: Lursa and B'Etor - big talk, small tips.
[Dax has asked Sisko about his honest opinion on Kasidy moving to the station
: Captain, I would think long and hard before answering. Captain Sisko
: I don't recall asking your opinion, Quark. Quark
: Well, maybe you should. I mean, who knows more about women than me? Doctor Bashir
: You Hew-mans. All you wanna do is please your women. You want them to be your friends. But we Ferengi know better: women are the enemy, and we treat them accordingly. The key is to never let them get the upper hand. If she says she doesn't see you enough, threaten to see her even less. If she wants more gifts, take back the ones you've already given her. It's all about control. Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax
: What if your woman leaves you? Quark
: That's what holosuites are for. Doctor Bashir
: It's a wonder the Ferengi reproduce at all.
[Quark has opened business negotiations with a Karemma in order to get information about the whereabouts of the Founders
: Name your terms. Ornithar
: [searching the ship for valuables
] Nothing, nothing, nothing. - The terms are not the issue. I cannot help you locate the Founders because I do not know who they are or if they even exist. - Nothing.
[he spots Kira's earring
: Ah, here is something interesting. Appears to be diamide-laced beritium. I'll give you 52 diraks for it. Quark
: Done. Commander Sisko
: Quark. Quark
: I mean, one bargain at a time, Ornithar. We were talking about the Founders.
[Odo has joined the away team, consisting of all senior officers and Quark
] Doctor Bashir
: I think we'd all feel a bit better with someone here to watch over Quark. Quark
: I take that as a personal insult, Doctor. Doctor Bashir
: You should.
: So, what do you think? Doctor Bashir
: About what? Quark
: About her. Doctor Bashir
: About who? Quark
: Dax! Doctor Bashir
: ...Oh, Ezri. She seems... nice. Quark
: Meaning what? Doctor Bashir
: Meaning... nice. Quark
: Oh, come on, Doctor. I know the way you felt about Jadzia. Doctor Bashir
: She's not Jadzia. Quark
: She's the next best thing. So - are you interested? Doctor Bashir
: Sounds to me like you're the one who's interested, Quark. Quark
: It's not every day you get a second chance with a woman. Doctor Bashir
: It's not the same woman! Quark
: She's still Dax, isn't she? Doctor Bashir
: More or less. Quark
: Well, that's good enough for me. Ready for a little competition? Doctor Bashir
: You're insane. Quark
: And you... are going to lose!
: Remember all those late night tongo games? Ensign Ezri Dax
: Who could forget? Quark
: Mmm... Ensign Ezri Dax
: Wait a minute... You owe me ten strips of latinum from our last game!
: [to Odo
] If you're going to prosecute me, I demand that you prosecute my co-conspirator. Doctor Bashir
: I'm not a conspirator! Odo
: What would you call yourself, Doctor? Doctor Bashir
: An idiot!
: What's love without danger?
[Morn has hit Quark with a barstool
: Witnesses say you were talking to him right up to the second he went berserk. Quark
: Of course I was talking to him. That's what bartenders are supposed to do - talk to their customers. Major Kira
: What exactly was it that you were talking to him about? Quark
: All I said was that the military personnel on this station were starting to look a little nervous. And when they get nervous, I get nervous. Odo
: And that's all you said? Quark
: Basically. I might've done a little harmless theorizing. Doctor Bashir
: About what? Quark
: Oh, something like... it was only a matter of time before the Dominion launched a full-scale assault against the Federation, and when that happened, the station would undoubtedly be their first target... And I might have idly suggested... that there wasn't a chance in hell that any of us would get out of here alive. Odo
: And that's when Morn hit you with a barstool and ran onto the Promenade screaming "We're all doomed". Quark
: Some people just don't react well to stress.
[Quark watches Sisko and Kasidy in a deep debate, chuckling
: What's so funny? Quark
: Marriage - it changes everything... If you're not careful, that could be you and Kira.
: You're making a mistake by pursuing another relationship with Worf. Lieutenant Ezri Dax
: Excuse me? Quark
: You heard me. I know how Jadzia felt about Worf; but that was her life, not yours. You're Ezri Dax. You need to give yourself a chance to explore other relationships. You're young, and beautiful, and full of life. Why go after a man who's only a memory to you? I've had my problems with Worf, I'll admit that, but this is not about me or my feelings; this is about you. Worf has done nothing, and I mean nothing, to deserve you. Shouldn't you try and find someone who's willing to win your heart, not just inherit it? You deserve better. There, I've said my piece. Lieutenant Ezri Dax
: Can I say something now? I'm not interested in having another relationship with Worf. I care about him, and I probably always will, but he's moved on with his life, and so have I. Quark
: Oh... Well, good! Lieutenant Ezri Dax
: And I'd also like to say that what you just did was one of the kindest, dearest, and for you one of the most embarrassing things that I have ever heard.
: Hey, barkeep! Quark
: Don't call me barkeep! I'm not a barkeep! I'm your host, the proprietor, a sympathetic ear to the wretched souls who pass through these portals. O'Brien
: [to Tosk
] And a man who will exploit any vice you may have. Two synthales, barkeep. Tosk
: [to Quark
] I am sorry, I have no vices for you to exploit.
[a criminal working for Sisko just tried to kill Quark
] Captain Sisko
: Do you intend to press charges? Quark
: You bet I do. Captain Sisko
: What will it take, um... to, er, convince you otherwise? Quark
: Are you offering me... a bribe? I knew it. Captain, I've always liked you. I suspected that somewhere deep down in your heart of hearts there was a tiny bit of Ferengi just waiting to get out. Captain Sisko
: What's your price? Quark
: Well - let's start with replacing my clothes, and M'Pella's clothes... Captain Sisko
: All right. Quark
: I'm not finished. I think I should be compensated for the loss of business I suffered today, which I calculate as no less than... five bars of goldpressed latinum. Captain Sisko
: Done. Quark
: I'm also having a problem with station security. They're holding some cargo containers which I've been waiting for because of some missing... import license or something. Captain Sisko
: I'll handle it. Anything else? Quark
: No. I think we can call it a bribe. And thank you, Captain. Thank you for restoring my faith in the ninety-eighth Rule of Acquisition: "Every man has his price."
: Ladies and gentlemen, please do me the honor of accompanying me to my humble establishment. I'm throwing a party for the happy couple! Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax
] Quark! Quark
: What can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic.
: We're trying out. What about you? Quark
: I don't have the slightest interest in this... Human game. Leeta
] You know why? Jake says it's a game that takes heart. And you sold yours a long time ago.
[Thrax suspects Quark to have dealings with the smuggler Livara
: Rumor has it that the Obsidian Order has had him under surveillance for several months. Quark
: The Obsidian Order? Thrax
: Rumor also has it that they're bringing in all of Livara's co-conspirators for... questioning. Quark
: Well - you know how rumors are. Thrax
: Yes - they're usually true.
[Rom and Nog are fixing Quark's replicator system, which has overloaded
: He tried to warn you, Uncle Quark. You should've listened to him. Rom
: No, it's my fault. I should've explained it better. Quark
: Of course it's your fault, everything that goes wrong here is your fault. It says so in your contract.
: I hear you're taking a little trip to the Gamma Quadrant. Odo
: Care to come along? Quark
: Are you kidding? I expect to own this station by the time you get back.
: So, er... tell me about the Paradas. They're gonna be here when, tomorrow? Chief O'Brien
: Why do you want to know anything about the Paradas? Quark
: It's always good business to know about new customers *before* they walk in your door. Chief O'Brien
: Hm. And which Rule of Acquisition is that? Quark
] Oh, one of the high numbers - 194, I think.
[Nog has chosen Vic Fontaine's holoprogram as his rehab
] Ezri Dax
: At first, it struck me as a little... peculiar. But after I thought it over, I began to think that this might be a good sign after all. Quark
: How can hiding in one of Julian's adolescent programs be a good sign? Dr. Julian Bashir
: Hey... Jake Sisko
: It could be worse. He could be hiding in the Alamo program. Leeta
: Or that ridiculous secret agent program. Dr. Julian Bashir
] Hey... Rom
: Or that stupid Viking program! Dr. Julian Bashir
: There's nothing quite so depressing as a winning streak that won't stop streaking.
: That does it. I'm gonna stop talking to the customers.
[after Dax has neglected to give him an answer to a simple question
[Quark has suggested that Bareil pose as a Vedek to the paying public
: I wouldn't know what to say. Quark
: The less, the better. Just nod every once in a while and smile benignly. It's very simple. Later on, once you get the hang of it, you might even throw in a blessing or two. What do you think? Bareil
: I have known people like you my whole life - nasty, greedy little minds willing to do whatever it takes to make money. I know just how you think. Quark
: That's because you think the same way. Bareil
: [laughs flatly
] I suppose I am a lot more like you than I'll ever be like... Vedek Bareil. Quark
: Perfect. Then we have a deal? Bareil
: I'm afraid not. Quark
: Why? Bareil
: Because right now, I don't like either one of us.
: [at the auction
] Sold to the blue man... in the good shoes.
: [Quark's jingle
] Come to Quark's, Quark's is fun, come right now, don't walk - run!
: [217th Rule of Acquisition
] You can't free a fish from water.
: I'm telling you, Morn, something's going on in Vic's that we don't know about.
[Worf has gone missing in the Badlands, leaving Ezri distraught
: He'll be back before you know it. Lieutenant Ezri Dax
: You really think so? Quark
: Absolutely. The night before he went on patrol, he brought the Koraga's crew in here and bought them three barrels of bloodwine. Lieutenant Ezri Dax
: And? Quark
: And he didn't pay the tab! Do you really think he'd go to Sto-vo-kor owing me money?
: Brother! I knew you would come! Quark
: It's a surprise to me.
[Quark has refused to close his bar for the extradition hearing out of business reasons
: Since the provisional government took over, they've got their hands into everything and of course, I'm the one who's expected to enforce their rules here. Quark
: Ha! Odo
: You know, I think this bar is just a little too near the exit. Quark
: This is blackmail. Odo
: No, it's just business. And "business is business".
[Gul Dukat attacks Garak and holds him over the parapet of the Promenade
: Gentlemen! Gentlemen, I don't know what's going on here, but I'm sure it's no excuse to act like a pair of Klingons. Gul Dukat
: I'll act as I please, Ferengi! Quark
: Then you'll excuse me while I call Security. I'm sure Odo will get a big thrill out of having you locked up in one of his holding cells.
: Are you sure you've returned to your normal size? Chief O'Brien
: Of course. Doctor Bashir
: Why? Odo
: Well, you both appear to be a couple of centimeters shorter than you were the last time I saw you. A Changeling notices that sort of thing. Quark
: I didn't want to say anything, but... you do look a little on the petite side.
[O'Brien and Bashir look at each other
] Doctor Bashir
[they hurry out
: [to Odo
] And they say you don't have a sense of humor.
: [aloud, to his customers
] Well, everyone is welcome at Quark's. I don't discriminate. Quark
: [to Worf
] Just like Starfleet. They have a non-discrimination policy too, don't they, Commander? I guess we have something in common. Major Kira
: You have more in common with a Rakonian swamp rat, Quark.
: Ezri? I think you need a vacation. You're talking to yourself.
: I was cleaning up and I saw Mr. Worf come in. Ch'Pok
: Was there anything unusual about that? Quark
: No. He comes in here all the time. But he was in a *good* mood. Ch'Pok
: And that's unusual? Quark
: Well, he's a Klingon. And you people are rarely in what I call good moods... Not that you're anything but a pleasant, charming race.
: Anything worth doing in a holosuite can be done better in the real world. Quark
: You obviously haven't been in the right holosuite program. But if you'd like, I could... Major Kira
: You could. But you'd live to regret it.
: Has anyone seen my brother Rom? He told me he was gonna be working on one of the upper pylons today! Major Kira
: He's fine, I saw him with one of the damage control teams on Level 5. Quark
: Oh, what a relief... Wait 'til I find him, I'll kill him for scaring me like that!
: I've had visions of Ziyal presenting my head to her father as a birthday gift. Quark
: That's a little paranoid, wouldn't you say? Garak
: Paranoid is what they call people who imagine threats against their life. I *have* threats against my life. But after my little 'chat' with Major Kira, I feel much better. Quark
: You do? Garak
: Isn't it obvious? If Ziyal planned to kill me, Kira would not be trying to warn me away. On the contrary, the good Major would also welcome my untimely demise and do nothing to interfere. Quark
: Unless that's part of the plan. Garak
: What do you mean? Quark
: Oh, you know, Kira acts like she doesn't want you to go, so you'll feel everything's okay, and then you go anyway... Nah, it's too complicated.
: [celebrating Sisko's promotion to captain
] This calls for a toast! Doctor Bashir
: That had better not be from a replicator, Quark. Quark
: Chateau Cleon, 2303. I already put it on your account.
: I suppose that's what you get for having friends. Odo
: Meaning what? Quark
: Just that - when you think you can count on them they go off and leave you. No, you're much better off without them. Odo
: Well, I imagine that's why you don't have any friends. Quark
: Look who's talking!
: The Jem Hadar don't eat, don't drink, and they don't have sex. And if that wasn't bad enough, the Founders don't eat and don't drink, and they don't have sex either. Which, between you and me, makes my financial future less than promising. Ziyal
: It might not be so bad. For all we know, the Vorta could be gluttonous, alcoholic sex maniacs.
: I have a dream - a dream that one day all people, Human, Jem'Hadar, Ferengi, Cardassians will stand together in peace... around my dabo tables!
[Bajoran survivors of a Cardassian labor camp have gathered on DS9
: Who are they? Odo
: Survivors of Gallitep. They arrived early this morning. I suppose they are waiting for justice. Quark
: Gallitep... Imagine living through that hellhole... the pain... the sorrow... Do you think they like to gamble?
: [to Worf
] You know what I like about Klingon stories, Commander? Nothing. Lots of people die, and nobody makes any profit.
: [at the dabo wheel
] Sooner or later, no matter how perfectly I play, no matter how well I hedge my bets, I'm going to lose! Quark
: Why are you trying to spoil everyone's good time? Look around. These people are enjoying themselves. Half of them know the odds are against them, but they don't care. They're here because they wanna believe they can win. Is that so bad? Doctor Bashir
: They're fools!
: I take it there's a problem with your drink replicator? Quark
] A problem? No - can't be. If there were a problem, I would have submitted an emergency maintenance request this morning. And if I had done that, Chief O'Brien would have assured me that Rom would fix it right away. Then of course, Rom would have promised me that Nog would fix it before the end of the day. And since this is the end of the day and there is no Nog in sight, we can only draw one conclusion: that I don't have a problem! Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax
] Is your drink replicator broken? Quark
: You're quick today.
: [to Kira
] You look terrible. Not that I mind; I like my women a little rumpled.
[Quark is complaining to Odo about the Skrreeans
: They won't be here long. Quark
: I hope not. They're driving my paying customers away. They stay here too long and I'll be out of business. Odo
: In that case, I hope they'll never leave.