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: Halt in the name of America!
: [on intercom
] Doctor Doom, Doctor Doom, please report to Doctor America's office for our regularly scheduled rehabilitation session.
: Aargh, oh! Ah! Eyes full of fertile American soil.
: Come on, we can do butter. Better! Molecule Man really has this butter thing down pat. Ms. Marvel
: Come on, we can do butter. Better! Molecule Man really has this butter thing down pat.
: You won't slow me down with your high-cholesterol trickery.
: So, did we miss anything? Ms. Marvel
: Doom got away. Captain America
: Yes. And his self esteem is through the roof. Oh, what have I done?
: You remain a poor choice, little brother. Captain America
: Stop calling me your brother!
: Gee whiz, we gotta get going, Mr. President.
: We are both tragedies... And now I send our tortured souls to rest! Captain America
: Speak for yourself.
: Fifty years ago, you were Dr. Vaselli's ridiculous idea. You remain a clownish symbol that no one cares about. Captain America
: I care. Red Skull
: You care? Then come to me, my brother. Let us see if this heart of yours is stronger than my hate.
: I want to get back into the fight, sir. Lt. Colonel Louis
: The fight against what? Pollution?
Lt. Colonel Louis
: Captain America. Whatever happened to him? Captain America
: He went on one mission. He didn't get his man, and he sat out the rest of the war. He sat out all the wars. No big surprise though, considering he was 4-F to start with. Don't know why anyone thought a little cellular restructuring could change that.
: She checks out. Natasha Romanoff aka The Black Widow. Freelance agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. We've worked with her before. Iron Man
: Welcome aboard. Russian, huh? Black Widow
: Yes, darling. Iron Man
: Can you do me a favor and say "moose and squirrel"? Black Widow
: Golly gee, microwaves are truly a modern miracle.
: [repelling Screaming Mimi's voice with his mighty shield
] Ah, for apple pie!
: [after knocking down M.O.D.O.K. with his shield
] You know what, M.O.D.O.K.? You actually are smarter than they say. M.O.D.O.K.
: Hey, Cap called me smart. Could you say that loud enough for Dr. Doom to hear?
: [Captain America has just apprehended a hoodlum who's been hassling some elderly people
] I want your number when you get out of jail pal! The old people in this town are my friends. And if I hear they're having problems again, I'm comin' after you! You gota that! Punk
: I've got it. I've got it. Captain America
: I want the name of every member of your gang.
: How's your memory for numbers, Peter? Peter Moore
: Better than Duke Williams!
: Miguel? Captain America
: Too late, Stader. He died of old age waiting for you.
Dr. Simon Mills
: How big a dose of the aging formula did you get? Captain America
: Very little. Not enough for the side effect. Ilson guessed I aged about three weeks. Dr. Simon Mills
: Minor flesh wound in the service of your country.
: [Penetrating the barrier with Loki's scepter
] I can close it. Can anybody copy? I can shut the portal down. Captain America
: Do it! Iron Man
: No wait! Captain America
: Stark, these things are still coming! Iron Man
: I got a nuke coming in. It's going to blow in less than a minute, and I know just where to put it. Captain America
: Stark, you know that's a one way trip? Iron Man
: Save the rest for the turn, J. Jarvis
: Sir, shall I try Ms. Potts? Iron Man
: Might as well.
: [as the fight begins
] Call it, Captain! Captain America
: Alright, listen up. Until we can close that portal, our priority's containment. Barton, I want you on that roof, eyes on everything. Call out patterns and strays. Stark, you got the perimeter. Anything gets more than three blocks out, you turn it back or you turn it to ash. Hawkeye
: [to Iron Man
] Want to give me a lift? Iron Man
: Right. Better clench up, Legolas.
[Iron Man takes Hawkeye up to the roof
] Captain America
: Thor, you gotta try and bottleneck that portal. Slow 'em down. You got the lightning. Light the bastards up.
[Thor swings his hammer and flies off and Captain America turns to Black Widow
] Captain America
: You and me, we stay here on the ground, keep the fighting here. And Hulk?
[the Hulk turns and glares at Cap
] Captain America
[Hulk grins and leaps away
: You need men in these buildings. There are people inside and they're going to be running right into the line of fire. You take them to the basements, or through the subway. You keep them off the streets. I need a perimeter as far back as 39th. Police Sergeant
: Why the hell should I take orders from you?
[the Chitauri attack. Cap blocks a blast with his shield, bats one Chitauri away with it, then blocks a point blank assault, punches another in the face, he grabs one of their weapons and then punches the Chitauri, flinging it across the street
] Police Sergeant
: I need men in those buildings. Lead the people down and away from the streets. We're going to set up a perimeter all the way down 39th Street.
: [bleeding and tired
] Captain, none of this is going to mean a damn thing if we don't close that portal. Captain America
: Our biggest guns couldn't touch it. Black Widow
: Well, maybe it's not about guns. Captain America
: If you want to get up there, you're gonna need a ride. Black Widow
: [eyeing a passing Chitauri fighter craft
] I got a ride. I could use a boost, though. Captain America
: Are you sure about this? Black Widow
: Yeah. It's gonna be fun.
: [after defeating Spencer
] Metal parts don't make a man. It's what's inside that counts!
: This armor knows your next move before you do, Steve. Captain America
: I'm not gonna lose to some pampered punk like you.
: [with Iron Man and Thor
] Avengers Assemble!
: The star quartz affects all metals, Doom. Give it here, or the world will know what kind of underpants a despot wears. Dr. Doom
: Hah! I am wearing a metal thong.
: Fall back, and let this shield blow freedom o'er the land. Like the gusty wind that follows a Fourth of July weenie with extra onion.
] Captain America
: Yankee doodle dandy!
: Let's yankee our doodles outta here!
: Thor, take care of those gunships. Spider-Man, drive them towards the stern. Spider-Man
: Sure thing. I just love being the target. Captain America
: Wolverine... Wolverine
: Stow it boy scout, I don't take orders from you.
: [leveling up
] Just like the Super Soldier serum!
: Winter Soldier, give up. I'm here to stop you from destroying the Helicarrier engines. Winter Soldier
: Captain America! Can't say it's good to see you again. Radioactive Man
: You have dealt with this fool before? Winter Soldier
: Oh yeah. Cap and I go way back. Don't we, buddy? Captain America
: Winter Soldier, please. Stop this before the Helicarrier is destroyed. Thousands of lives will be lost. Winter Soldier
: Sorry, no can do. I've got my orders. You of all people understand that, don't you? Orders have been so important to you. Captain America
: I'll fight you if I have to. Winter Soldier
: Then what are you waiting for? Let's see what you've got old man.
: Red Skull? I can't believe somebody found you and thawed you out. Red Skull
: And I can't believe you're still wearing that ridiculous suit, with the little wings that go flippity, flippity, flippity.
: Our new Howlin' Commandoes. What do you think, Colonel Fury? Nick Fury
: [looks at Thor
] I'd still like to cut the blond's hair, but they'll have to do.
: [on viewscreen
] Doctor Strange. He's one of the most powerful magicians in all the universe. He's mastered the secrets of both magical and physical energy. His powers include levitation, travel to other dimensions, transportation of matter, Bulgarian cow tipping and he's great at Sudoku.
: Careful, every known Infinity fractal is embedded in Dormammu's colar. He's the most powerful villain in town. Hmm tough break, Doom.
: [to Human Torch
] You remind me of an old friend of mine. He was a bit of a hothead, too.
: [to Deadpool
] You're just a walking Section 8, aren't you?
: Simon, can you still jock a helicopter, a fast one? Dr. Simon Mills
: That's something you don't forget. Captain America
: I'll meet you at the pad.
: How can I thank you? Captain America
: Just be happy.
: I understand you have the mind of Wonder Man. Simon meant a lot to the team. He meant a lot to me. Vision
: I have Simon Williams' brain-engrams, actually. So Ant-Man tells me. Not his memory. Or I would have remembered a former leader of the Avengers. Hawkeye
: Ah, Captain America's more than that. He practically *founded* the Avengers! Captain America
: [chuckles humbly
] Well... yes. Along with Iron Man, Thor, Ant-Man, and Wasp. I was proud to be counted in that company.
: [touching his shoulder
] We might never have survived this if it wasn't for you, old friend. Ant-Man
: Just doin' my job, Cap. Captain America
: Which only proves what a wise choice we made when we named you the leader of the Avengers.
[they shake hands
: That's just a phone, Hulk. If it's President Roosevelt, tell him I'm not here.
: Oh, that's the old Water and Power building. The W.P.B. Don't you remember when they first build it during the depression? Those were the days, hot jazz and skinny eyebrows.
[Galactus hits Fin Fang Foom in the crotch with Cosmic power
] Captain America
: Avert your eyes. There are some sights that man, and woman, are not meant to see. Ms. Marvel
: Too late.
: His smallest curvy crackle of frustration just destroyed all of Villainville. Captain America
: Sister, you said a mouthful.
: Someone's taken remote control of the remote control and is controlling it remotely.
: [after hearing Reed Richards is having relationship problems
] Been there, dude. Not with Sue Storm... any more. Captain America
: Fortunately I subscribe to Reed's weekly Podcast. This one is about the Negative Zone. Iron Man
: Oh, I sense gratuitous exposition. My favorite kind.
General Nick Fury
: What's happened to you, son? Why are you such a mess? Captain America
: I'm fine, sir. General Nick Fury
: No, you're not. You need R & R like everyone else. Captain America
: I'm a super soldier. General Nick Fury
: You're a man.
: Now you die for the last time. Captain America
: My words exactly.
: Over there is the Human Torch. Not strictly human, but 'Android Torch' didn't sound quite right. Human Torch Android
: Ha ha! See ya in the funny papers! Captain America
: And Toro, with all the same powers as Human Torch. Toro
: Now you're cooking with gas!
: Let's vamoose! Thor
: No time for dancing, let's go.
[within the Avengers jet, Spider-Man sits in the co-pilot seat next to Captain America, while Black Cat and Venom sit between an unconscious Doctor Octopus
] Captain America
: It's a good thing Black Cat gave me a call, son. Spider-Man
: Looks like just in time.
[Venom leans close to Spider-Man from behind
: Hey, Spidey, could you get us Captain America's autograph? Spider-Man
: Oh, brother.
[Spider-Man, Daredevil, Punisher and Captain America sit at a table playing a game of cards
] Captain America
: So, Punisher, do you have any threes? Punisher
: Go fish! So, nice of you to join us for *once,* Spidey! Spider-Man
: Oh, I'm sorry. I was out *saving the world.* Beating you guys at cards ought to be pretty easy. Daredevil
: Your spider-sense *won't* save you here. Punisher
: Look who's talking, Daredevil! You've been looking at *my cards* all night! Daredevil
: I don't *need* to look at your cards, Punisher. Your bluffs are *so* obvious. Captain America
: Okay, okay. Let's keep this a nice, friendly, *clean* game.
[Punisher groans and turns to Captain America
: Who keeps *inviting* this guy?
[the card game is interrupted by loud music
: Hey, would you keep it *down?*
[Human Torch and Black Cat are dancing to music playing on a boom-box
] Johnny Storm
: Hey, loosen up, kids! I'm on *fire!*
: Iron Man, please turn in your Super Hero Squad identity card, your corporate credit card, your key to the city, and your standard issue Squaddie undies.
: Mom's apple pie! We got to save America from the Red Skull! The Hulk
: HULK SMASH SKULL!
] The Hulk
: Huh? Hulk rip pants. Captain America
: That's why my red, white and blue is form-fitting yet flexible. I love American ingenuity.
: We have to face the very real possibility that we're going to fight the Dark Surfer, without the Super Hero Squad. Anyone want gum?
: You could have the power of the gods! Yet you wear a flag on your chest and think you fight a battle of nations! I have seen the future, Captain! There are no flags! Captain America
: Not my future!
: Now, now, Ms. Marvel, super heroes have saved the Earth a dozen times. Maybe even twelve.
] Commissioner Dryden
: "Thanks to Captain America, who we now know to be our fighting District Attorney, the Scarab and his murderous gang will pay the supreme penalty in the electric chair at the stroke of midnight tonight. To review the Scarab's crimes..." Mayor Randolph
: No need to review them now. These convictions definitely prove that crime doesn't pay. I want to say that the people of this city owe a great deal to you, Mr. District Attorney, uh, Captain America. Captain America
: Thank you, but we owe a great deal more to Gail. Her cleverness tipped me off to the Scarab's identity. Gail Richards
: But Captain America arrived in time to capture the Scarab.
[the clock begins to strike
] Gail Richards
: It's midnight. Commissioner Dryden
: The toll of doom for the Scarab!
: If newspapers ever totally go away, what will lie in the birdcages of America? I shudder to think.
Mayor of Super Hero City
: Well, I have good news, and I have bad news. Captain America
: We already figured out the bad news. The Earth has been ripped from its orbit. We're all going to freeze. Been there, done that.
: [about the Hulk
] Hank, Iron Man! Slow him down! Iron Man
] Sure, no problem.
: [to Doctor Doom
] Look on the bright side. Now you'll only be serving ten life sentences.
: 'Preciate the reassignment, Cap. Captain America
: Oh, think nothing of it, Wolverine. You're doing me a favor. There's been an international incident, and my team could use you. Wolverine
: Really? Who we bringin' the hurt to? Captain America
: The South American rainforests. Wolverine
: Uh, but... don't they usually need saving? Captain America
: Uh, usually, but these trees attack everything in their path. I'm assembling the All Captains Squad to get to the ROOTS of the problem. Wolverine
: Uh, hate to tell you, Captain, but I ain't no captain. Captain America
: Well you are now. Welcome to the squad, Captain Canada! Here's your new uniform. Suit up. We'll talk at HQ. Wolverine
: [chuckles at campy uniform
] Uh, not gonna happen, Bub. Captain America
: Right-e-o. I'll get you back to that helicarrier, A-S-A-P. Wolverine
: Uh, wait... no, no, no, that's fine.