Spider-Man
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Quotes for
Spider-Man (Character)
from Captain America: Civil War (2016)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
Spider-Man 2 (2004) (VG)
[Spider-Man sees Mysterio for the first time]
Spider-Man: Okay, I'll bite. How *did* the fishbowl get stuck on your head?
Mysterio: Insolent human! You are no match for the power of Mysterio!
Spider-Man: Mysterio? I think I had a bowl of Mysterios for breakfast.

Spider-Man: Hi, my name is Spider-Man and I'll be your superhero today.

Black Cat: Shouldn't you be helping some old lady across the street or something?
Spider-Man: Nah, I already got that merit badge.

Spider-Man: So, skin-tight leather. Doesn't that kinda chafe?
Black Cat: You'll never find out, that's for sure.

Spider-Man: [opening lines during view of the city] This is my story. It's the usual thing: boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy meets another girl, uh, but, I'm getting ahead of myself. Don't think my life is all flowers and romance though- I *wish*- more and more of my life is spent out here, fighting the worst the city has to offer. Sometimes it's a mugger, sometimes it's a bigger problem. This is the city I protect. New York City. It's my home, my playground, my responsibility.

Quentin Beck: The laser is overheating? Stupid machine! Work! Work! Come on! Work!
Spider-Man: Problems with your laser, Beck? I hear there are pills for that now.

[looks around Mysterio's hideout]
Spider-Man: Look at this place. Let me guess. You're trying to make the cover of "Supervillain Decorator Monthly", right, Mysterio?

Mysterio: You will meet your end in my funhouse of doom!
Spider-Man: I thought you were an alien.
Mysterio: Silence!

[to Rhino]
Spider-Man: Which team's mascot are you, anyway?

Spider-Man: Give it to me straight. Do I look fat in these tights?

Spider-Man: Try not to run into my fist with your face.

Spider-Man: Next time you ambush someone, check if he's a superhero first.

Spider-Man: [to Shocker] How's the tire mascot gig working out?

[to Shocker]
Spider-Man: Are you wearing a girdle?

Woman: Spidey, my purse!
[Spider-Man returns the stolen purse to the Woman]
Spider-Man: Voila! One purse.
Woman: I can't believe you helped me.

[enters a gymnasium and sees crooks hiding inside]
Spider-Man: Huh. Hiding in a gym. How's that working out for you?

[lands on the roof of a speeding stolen car]
Spider-Man: I have issues with carjackers.

[Man returns to his stolen car damaged when Spider-Man stopped it]
Man: Oh, no!
Spider-Man: Hey, you have the car back, right? Some people get so touchy about every little scratch.

[Spider-Man crawls into an apartment through a window]
Spider-Man: Wow. Mysterio's hidden fortress looks just like an apartment.
[Spider-Man walks to a wall and a bookcase slides open, revealing an open elevator doorway]
Spider-Man: A hidden door concealed by a bookcase? Mysterio, you brilliant fiend!
[chuckles]

Spider-Man: I, uh, have to get back to my patrol. See you around.
Mary Jane Watson: Yeah. Next time a bunch of thugs try to jump me.
Spider-Man: It's a date.

Black Cat: Give it a try. Take the weight of the world off your shoulders.
Spider-Man: You don't understand. You don't know why I do this.
Black Cat: What? Parents got killed by a mugger? Abducted by aliens? Sold you to the circus? It doesn't matter. Whatever the reasons, you can't change the past. What's done is done. You have to live for the present.
Spider-Man: Hippie.
Black Cat: [chuckles] All right, fine. Don't cheer up. All I'm saying is you're going to get an ulcer or something.

[while fighting robbers in a convenient store]
Spider-Man: This is not the right way to get a Slushy!

[Spider-Man runs into a dance club hideout and finds a band of criminals inside]
Spider-Man: There are clubs in New York where the beautiful people hang out. This clearly is not one of them!

[Spider-Man runs into a dance club hideout and finds a band of criminals inside]
Spider-Man: You guys must be the dancing fools I've heard about!

[while fighting robbers in a convenient store]
Spider-Man: Hey, you're making this place less convenient!

[while fighting robbers in a convenient store]
Spider-Man: I think you wanted the Stop and Rob down the street!

[Spider-Man crouches beside a webbed-up Shocker and holds up his head to see Black Cat walk off]
Spider-Man: She's pretty amazing, don't you think, Shock?
Herman Schulz: [groans] I think my career just hit a new low.
Spider-Man: Ah. Who cares what you think?

Spider-Man: Doc, you don't want to hurt anyone!
Dr. Otto Octavius: Oh you're wrong about that...

Spider-Man: [after falling in the water] Great, nothing better than a soaking wet costume. Ugh!

Man: Spidey, you da man!
Spider-Man: No *you* da man.

Woman: Spidey, you da man!
Spider-Man: Uh, you da woman?

Spider-Man: I think you zigged when you should have zagged.

Spider-Man: The whole city will be destroyed.
Dr. Otto Octavius: Only you will be destroyed today, murderous pest.

Spider-Man: [after falling in the water] Nothing like a little New York water to clear out the sinuses.

Spider-Man: [after falling in the water] I need to be more careful, swimming definately doesn't suit me.

Spider-Man: [after falling in the water] Can't believe I got washed all the way over here.

Man: Get a job.
Spider-Man: If you only knew.

[as Spider-Man swings above the Statue of Liberty]
Mysterio: Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses... so that I can enslave them all!
[Mysterio laughs]
Spider-Man: ...Okay, that's just wrong.

[as he fights a mirrored image of himself]
Spider-Man: There has to be a lawsuit here somewhere.

[as he fights a mirrored image of himself]
Spider-Man: Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself. No, seriously!

[as he finds a hologram of Mysterio in the control room]
Spider-Man: A hologram. Why should I be surprised?
Mysterio: You may have foiled my plans this time, Spider-Man. But I'll be back. I promise you that!
[laughs]
Spider-Man: Uh-huh. Heard it before... about a million times.

Rhino: Spider-Man, huh? Finally! I've been dying to see what you can do! Let's go! Ah, just try to break through my armor!
[snorts]
Rhino: I'm gonna break your bones and make you cry for your mama!
Spider-Man: Rhino. I'm gonna take a wild guess that you're strong, but dumb.

Thug: We're turning the tables on you, Spider-Man!
Spider-Man: [in mocked fear] Oh, no! Please don't throw me in the briar patch!

Spider-Man: The city I protect is New York City. It is my home, my playground, my responsibility.

Spider-Man: Wait! What's your name?
Black Cat: Me? I'm Black Cat, and I just crossed your path. Now if you'll excuse me...
[Black Cat flips off of the rooftop and leaves]
Spider-Man: Whoa.
[Spider-Man jumps off the rooftop and swings away on a web rope]
Spider-Man: Black Cat, huh? Black Cat seems okay. Maybe a bit of an attitude, though. I wonder if there's a Mr. Black Cat. Oh, what am I thinking?

Man: Hey Spidey! Lookin' good!
Spider-Man: Back at ya!

Black Cat: Do you always chase girls that brush you off?
Spider-Man: Only the naughty ones. I have standards after all.

Quentin Beck: I'm better than you, Spider-Man, and today, I'm going to prove it!
Spider-Man: ...Your parents never hugged you, did they?

Spider-Man: You missed your calling as a playground designer, Beck.
Quentin Beck: And you missed yours as a rejected has-been, but that will be corrected soon enough!
Spider-Man: Psychologists call that "rejection", Beck.

Spider-Man: You're a sad little man, Beck.
Quentin Beck: I know you are, but what am I?
Spider-Man: ...I can't believe you just said that.

Spider-Man: Hey, Mysterio! Does your Mothership know where you are?

Spider-Man: Now we turn it up a notch... BAM!

[Spider-Man approaches a man in trouble]
Spider-Man: What's the matter?
[Suddenly, several robbers stand behind the scared Man to challenge Spider-Man]
Man: Hey, Spidey! Is your refrigerator running? 'Cause I sure am!
[the thugs charge at Spider-Man, but he fights them away easily]
Spider-Man: No, but I've got Prince Albert in a can!
[Spider-Man notices some of the thugs trying to run off]
Spider-Man: Hey! Where're you going?

Black Cat: Nice night for a little swing through the city, isn't it?
Spider-Man: I don't get you. Last time you were an ice queen, but now you're friendly. Make up your mind!
Black Cat: It's called a woman's perogative. It's in the rule book. Look it up!

[after learning that people are stuck on a sinking boat]
Spider-Man: All right. I'll find some way to help them. Guess it's good this costume isn't Dry Clean Only.

[Spider-Man saves a man from falling off a building and sets him down on the floor]
Man: Oh, thank goodness. I was sure that was it for me.
Spider-Man: Hey, would I let you down?

[Spider-Man saves a man from falling from a building and sets him down on the ground]
Man: I'm saved! I can't believe it!
Spider-Man: Oh, I'd never let anyone splat.

Herman Schulz: Spider-Man! I don't know how you found me, but there's no way you're getting me this time!
Spider-Man: Hey, Shocker. You look different somehow. Have you been reupholstered?
Herman Schulz: Heh. Still a comedian, huh?
Black Cat: Come on, Spider. Let's take this guy out.

[Spider-Man gets onto the sinking boat and picks up a man with his webbing]
Spider-Man: Need a hand? Your boat seems to be sinking.

[Spider-Man starts to beat up on a jewel thief]
Spider-Man: Aren't diamonds forever? Couldn't you have waited a day?

[Spider-Man hangs upside down on a web above three defeated muggers]
Spider-Man: You okay?
Mary Jane Watson: Yeah. Great timing.
[Spider-Man releases his web, lands on his feet and stands before Mary Jane]
Mary Jane Watson: What are you doing here?
Spider-Man: You know me. Always hanging around.

[Spider-Man lands on the roof of a speeding car and proceeds to pound it]
Spider-Man: You need to pull over and calm down!
[the damaged car stops and the driver gets out to look at the damages]
Man: Oh, no! Why did you have to wreck my car?
Spider-Man: Don't drive angry.

[Spider-Man lands on the roof of a speeding car and pounds it]
Spider-Man: Stop, before someone gets hurt!
[the damaged car stops and the driver gets out to see the damage]
Man: My car!
Spider-Man: Hey, I told you to stop!

[Spider-Man lands on the roof of a speeding car and pounds it]
Spider-Man: You need to pull over and calm down!
[the damaged car stops and the driver gets out to look at the damage]
Man: How am I going to explain this?
Spider-Man: Maybe you'll think about that the next time you decide to flip out.

[Spider-Man steps into a gymnasium and sees several thugs ready to attack]
Spider-Man: Hi, guys.
[in mock Austrian accent]
Spider-Man: I'm here to beat you up!

[Spider-Man starts to fight Doctor Octopus on top of a train]
Spider-Man: Mary Jane didn't do anything!
Dr. Otto Octavius: Did Rosie do anything? Did she?

[Spider-Man lands on the roof of a stolen car and starts pounding on it to get the driver to stop]
Spider-Man: This bugging you? I'm not touching you!

[Spider-Man talks to a citizen]
Spider-Man: Is something wrong?
Old Woman: Spider-Man, an armored car down the street is being robbed!
[down the street, a Thug holds a gun at a Police Officer with his hands behind his head]
Police Officer: If I could just... reach... my utility belt!
Thug: Give me a break!

[Spider-Man talks to a citizen]
Spider-Man: What's the matter?
Woman: Oh, no! The boat is sinking!
[Nearby, several people are standing on a sinking boat and they wave their arms]
Man: It was only supposed to be a three hour tour! A three hour tour!
[Spider-Man runs off to the boat]
Spider-Man: This looks like a job for... some kind of *swimming* super hero, but since none are around, I guess I'll have to do it.

[Spider-Man picks up a wounded man with his webbing and swings off on a web-rope to take him to the hospital]
Spider-Man: Try not to puke, okay?

[Spider-Man picks up a wounded Old Woman with his webbing and he swings off on a web-rope to take her to the hospital]
Spider-Man: I know swinging isn't super-relaxing, but, uh, try to... relax.

[while fighting the Shocker]
Spider-Man: I've been meaning to ask. How's your absorbency compared with the leading brand?

Spider-Man: I can't see you any more.
Black Cat: Miraculous blindness?

Spider-Man: Rhino is that a horn on your head or are you just happy to see me?

Spider-Man: [closing narration] Mary Jane, the girl next door, the girl I love, and now, the girl waiting for me at the end of the day. Fate handed me amazing powers, and with those powers came a burden of responsibility. Somehow though, having her with me makes that burden lighter. Still, in the end, it's mine to bear. After all, there's still only one... Spider-Man!

Spider-Man: Oh no! Dr. Connors' class! I got so caught up in what I was doing, I forgot all about it! He's gonna kill me.


Spider-Man (2002) (VG)
Spider-Man: There's nothing Peter Parker can do at this point, but Spider-Man's a different story!

Spider-Man: A car-jacker killed an old man earlier today. The killer's a skull. Where is he?
Skull: I can't tell you, he'd kill me.
Spider-Man: What makes you think I won't?

Spider-Man: Life sure is strange sometimes. No matter how long you want to hold on to a moment, you can't stop time from moving on.

Green Goblin: There's no need for us to fight!
Spider-Man: Yeah, once you stop lobbing bombs at me, we'll see about that!

Spider-Man: [to Shocker] So you must be..."Quilt-Man"..."Padded Pete"..."Mister Triple-Ply?" Oh! I got it! "The Cushion"!

Spider-Man: Uncle Ben... nothing could fill the hole left when he died. Those wounds never really heal.

Green Goblin: You don't seem like you're enjoying yourself! Aren't you having any fun?
Spider-Man: Um... no.

Green Goblin: How can you be so naive? These people would never lay a finger to help you!
Spider-Man: Well since they don't have the power to fly or bend steel with their bare hands I can't say I blame them!

Green Goblin: Tell Harry... I'm sorry...
Spider-Man: I'm sorry too.

Spider-Man: Who are you? wait let me guess, "The Emerald Elf"?
Green Goblin: Me? I'm just a concerned citizen, helping to clean up our fair city!

Green Goblin: Can't you see we're cut from the same cloth? We aren't like normal people!
Spider-Man: Speak for yourself!

Green Goblin: Run! Run! 'Fast as you can...
Spider-Man: The ginger-bread man you're *not*!

Spider-Man: Ah, yes, the old Swinging Log of Doom trick. That trick never gets old.

Spider-Man: [while fighting some robots] You aren't from the future or something lame like that, right?

Green Goblin: Running away? I'm not done with you yet!
Spider-Man: That's what I'm afraid of!

[to Scorpion]
Spider-Man: Careful! You're gonna poke your eye out with that thing!

[to Scorpion]
Spider-Man: Going to the bathroom must be a nightmare for you.

Spider-Man: [to Goblin] Didn't I see you in a dubbed-rubber-monster movie?

Spider-Man: Note to self: Scale Crazy-Bird-Man's lair from the outside, next time!

Spider-Man: You shouldn't be flying around at your age, Vulture, you'll hurt yourself!

[to Scorpion]
Spider-Man: This guy is a few sandwiches short of a picnic. I better help him out.

Spider-Man: [to Shocker] You're crazier than a soup sandwich.

Spider-Man: Give my regards to my fans in the slammer!

[Spider-Man walks to the Shocker as he lies defeated on the ground]
Spider-Man: Looks like your flying friend's getting your share of the loot, too. Where'd be get off to, anyway?
[shocker groans as Spider-Man picks him up]
Shocker: If I don't get mine, Vulture isn't getting his. He had some workshop set up, up in the old clock tower, on the Lower East Side.
[Spider-Man drops the Shocker to the ground]
Spider-Man: Vulture, huh? Thanks, Shocker. Give my regards to my fans in the slammer!

[after knocking down an opponent with an attack]
Spider-Man: Wow. Good looks and a sparkling wit. Oh, wait - that's me!

Shocker: Come on, freak! You need to learn a lesson! And Shocker's School of Hard Knocks is now open!
Spider-Man: Give me a break, Shock! I can't believe you have any class, let alone a whole school worth!

[while fighting the Shocker]
Spider-Man: It's good to know 'subtle' isn't in your vocabulary.

Shocker: Welcome to a world of pain!
Spider-Man: You're embarassing yourself, Shocker!

[while fighting the Shocker]
Spider-Man: Do those gloves come with a puree setting, too?

Spider-Man: Wow! That kink in my back is gone! You're like the world's most dangerous physical therapist!
Shocker: Laugh it up, smart guy!

Spider-Man: Trick or Treat!

Spider-Man: Let's talk about this, Scorpion! You need help.
Scorpion: Talk? No, no talking, you can't take me back!
Spider-Man: I wouldn't even know where to take you back to.

Vulture: What's the matter, Spider-Man? Too fast for you?
Spider-Man: Hey! Come back! The food at the old folks home wasn't that bad, was it?

Green Goblin: Let's find some new people to play with, shall we?
Spider-Man: I'd like to vote against that.

Spider-Man: [during basic training] Wow! I can't believe how much stronger I've become!
Tour Guide: Good for you. Listen, if you want to beat up some more bad guys, simply knock on the door by pressing the "punch" button. When you're done, web swing over to your next objective. I'm going to go get a ham sandwich.

Spider-Man: [during basic training] This is incredible! Am I really doing this?
Tour Guide: Well YOU'RE easily impressed.

New Yorker: Hey look! It's Spider-Man!
Spider-Man: Just don't use that "bird-plane" metaphor. That's the other guy.

Spider-Man: This is how my story begins, my uncle Ben and Aunt May raised me like a son, they never had much money though. I thought my powers could make up for that. The last time I saw Uncle Ben alive, we argued. I took out my frustration in the ring, Poor old Bonesaw hadn't even saw me comin'.
Bone Saw McGraw: WAH! NO MORE MR. NICEGUY!
Spider-Man: The fight promoter cheated me, so I didn't think it was my problem he got robbed.

[while fighting the Shocker]
Spider-Man: So you're called the Shocker, but you don't use electricity. I don't get it.

[while chasing a fleeing criminal]
Spider-Man: Top in your class at cowardly running, I see!

[while chasing a fleeing criminal]
Spider-Man: Here, boy! Come on!
[whistles like he's calling for a dog]

[as Spider-Man swings overhead]
Woman: Get a job, menace!
Spider-Man: Ah, my adoring public!

[Spider-Man swings away on his web ropes]
Spider-Man: Okay, I have those shots for J.J. Now to get back to the Bugle, collect my money - and get my rent paid!
[a flying robot hovers down to attack Spider-Man]
Spider-Man: Uh-oh! I don't know what that thing is, but something tells me it isn't friendly!

[while being attacked by a flying robot]
Spider-Man: Jane! Stop this crazy thing!

[while being attacked by a flying robot]
Spider-Man: Just for reference, are you guys recyclable?

[while being attacked by a flying robot]
Spider-Man: I know I've made some enemies, but this is a bit much!

[knocks an enemy down with a punch]
Spider-Man: Let me introduce you to - my fist!

[while sneaking up inside Vulture's bell tower]
Spider-Man: Must be a pain to get groceries up here.

[while Spider-Man web-swings to catch up with the Vulture in the rain, the Vulture causes damage to a water tower on a rooftop]
Vulture: Those people look thirsty, don't they? Why don't I serve them a drink?
Spider-Man: I think the folks down there are wet enough already!

[while wall-crawling in Vulture's bell tower]
Spider-Man: Who's your landlord, Vulture? Quasimodo?

[after knocking an opponent down with a handspring attack]
Spider-Man: Shall we dance?

Green Goblin: You're boring me, Spiderman!
Spider-Man: Hey where you going?

Spider-Man: Squirrels must love you because you're nuts
Scorpion: Make jokes!

Spider-Man: Come on Shock, you know I can't let you run around down here without a chaperon
Shocker: Webslinger, you've been riding me all day I'm gonna finish this once and for all!


Spider-Man (2000) (VG)
Spider-Man: [after defeating a criminal guard] One taken down by your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.

[after defeating a thug]
Spider-Man: Compliments of your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man!

[as his Spider-Sense goes off]
Spider-Man: Spider-Sense... tingling!

[Mary Jane dangles by her arms from chains from under a grate in the floor and a tank of water lies far beneath her]
Mary Jane: Help! Is anybody there? Help me!
[Spider-Man runs over and crouches down to look at Mary Jane]
Spider-Man: Mary Jane!
Mary Jane: Please!
[Spider-Man turns around as Venom appears nearby]
Venom: Hey! You made it!
Spider-Man: Venom!
Venom: I'd let you see your wifey-poo, but she's in the bath right now!
[Venom flips up a switch with his web and the water rises as Mary Jane screams]
Mary Jane: Peter, help! No!
Venom: So, what do you say, Spidey? Let's finish this!
[Venom laughs as he disappears]

[Spider-Man enters a hidden storage room of Goblin equipment]
Spider-Man: Gee. I wonder who those *pumpkin bombs* belong to.

[Spider-Man runs through a golden spider icon and dons his Spider-Armor suit]
Spider-Man: Ah. The old, trusty Spidey Armor.

[Spider-Man runs through a golden spider icon and dons his Spider-Armor suit]
Spider-Man: Haven't used this Spidey Armor much before. It could be useful here.

[while running away from gunfire from a police helicopter]
Spider-Man: Man! Mary Jane was right! I should've stayed home today!

[Spider-Man sticks to a billboard for The Daily Gossip newspaper and looks at the headline]
Spider-Man: Monsters infest sewers.
[Spider-Man laughs]
Spider-Man: Yeah, right.

[while crawling up the side of a building]
Spider-Man: How tall *is* this thing?

[before he fights Carnage, Spider-Man notices a bubble made of sonic vibrations nearby]
Spider-Man: That's a sonic bubble in the middle of the room. Seeing as how the only two that symbiotes hate are fire and sonics, I'm guessing Ock made it just in case Carnage tried to double-cross him. Well, I'd better not let it go to waste.

[within the Avengers jet, Spider-Man sits in the co-pilot seat next to Captain America, while Black Cat and Venom sit between an unconscious Doctor Octopus]
Captain America: It's a good thing Black Cat gave me a call, son.
Spider-Man: Looks like just in time.
[Venom leans close to Spider-Man from behind]
Venom: Hey, Spidey, could you get us Captain America's autograph?
Spider-Man: Oh, brother.

[Spider-Man, Daredevil, Punisher and Captain America sit at a table playing a game of cards]
Captain America: So, Punisher, do you have any threes?
Punisher: Go fish! So, nice of you to join us for *once,* Spidey!
Spider-Man: Oh, I'm sorry. I was out *saving the world.* Beating you guys at cards ought to be pretty easy.
Daredevil: Your spider-sense *won't* save you here.
Punisher: Look who's talking, Daredevil! You've been looking at *my cards* all night!
Daredevil: I don't *need* to look at your cards, Punisher. Your bluffs are *so* obvious.
Captain America: Okay, okay. Let's keep this a nice, friendly, *clean* game.
[Punisher groans and turns to Captain America]
Punisher: Who keeps *inviting* this guy?
[the card game is interrupted by loud music]
Spider-Man: Hey, would you keep it *down?*
[Human Torch and Black Cat are dancing to music playing on a boom-box]
Johnny Storm: Hey, loosen up, kids! I'm on *fire!*

[while being shot at by a police helicopter]
Spider-Man: Enough with the shooting, already!

[Spider-Man runs to a large metal door and then stands before it]
Spider-Man: *Open this door!*
[On the other side of the door, Venom leaps and crouches before the door]
Venom: *Who is it?*

[during his fight with Mysterio]
Spider-Man: You're working for the wrong people, Mysterio!

[while fighting Mysterio, he notices the villain's costume]
Spider-Man: Who mixes green and purple? I don't know. I don't get it.

[while standing on top of the 4 of the Baxter Building]
Spider-Man: Man! Looks like the Fantastic Four aren't around right now!

[Spider-Man smashes through a window and finds Scorpion about to attack Jameson]
Spider-Man: Leave him alone, Chuckles!
Scorpion: Butt out, web-head!
J. Jonah Jameson: Spider-Man? I ask for the police and I get THIS?

[Spider-Man sits on the crown of the Statue of Liberty and the Human Torch is flying nearby]
Spider-Man: Well, that's my story, Johnny.
Johnny Storm: Looks like you're in a lot of trouble. You'll find Venom!
Spider-Man: But how? Venom is invisible to my spider-sense!
Johnny Storm: Knowing your luck, Venom will find *you*! Have faith, Spidey!
[the Human Torch flies off and Spider-Man looks at the city with a sigh]
Spider-Man: Where could she be?
[back in the city, Spider-Man swings over the city]
Spider-Man: I've got to find her! I've got no choice!
[Venom follows after Spider-Man, swinging from web to web]
Venom: Wah, wah, wah! What a wuss!
[Spider-Man turns and notices Venom now swinging alongside him]
Venom: Hey, wanna race?
[Venom laughs and swings off, with Spider-Man following after him]
Venom: Parker HATES it when I get the drop on him!
Spider-Man: Ugh! I HATE it when he gets the drop on me!

[while fighting Mysterio]
Spider-Man: Dude, capes are out this year!

Mysterio: You're no match for me!
Spider-Man: We'll see about that!

[during his fight with Mysterio]
Spider-Man: Time to burst your bubble, Mysterio!

[during his fight with Mysterio]
Spider-Man: Ooh! Look at the big Master of Illusion!

[a giant-sized Mysterio grabs Spider-Man and picks him up]
Mysterio: I've got you now, little Spider!
Spider-Man: Hey! What's with the King Kong trip?

[a giant-sized Mysterio grabs Spider-Man and picks him up]
Mysterio: Got you!
Spider-Man: Hey! Put me down, fish-bowl!

[Spider-Man holds Mysterio off the ground]
Spider-Man: Right now, you're thinking if only you'd taken that giant act to *Vegas* instead!
Mysterio: Curse your endless babble, Spider-Man!
Spider-Man: Speaking of babble, let's hear it. Who's behind all this?
Mysterio: I'll never tell you! Mysterio may be defeated, but the symbiote invasion cannot be stopped!
Spider-Man: Symbiote invasion? There are *more* of them?
Mysterio: You fool! There will be more than you can imagine! That fog which blankets the city is preparing everyone in New York for symbiosis!
Spider-Man: *You're* the fool, Mysterio!
[Spider-Man punches Mysterio and shatters the front of his helmet]
Spider-Man: *Where?* *Where are they coming from?*
Mysterio: Go then. On the waterfront. Warehouse Sixty Five. A secret passage. If only I could watch them *destroy* you.
Spider-Man: Whoever your boss is, he's off his *rocker!* No one can control the symbiotes!
Mysterio: Correction. Nobody before *now!*
Spider-Man: Spare me the propaganda, okay? This isn't a game, Mysterio! The symbiotes will destroy *everything* in their path unless I can stop them!

[Spider-Man and Black Cat notice two helicopters escaping and they carry away stolen technology]
Spider-Man: We're too late! That makes two major technology heists in two days!
[Both don't notice the Rhino charge at Black Cat from behind]
Black Cat: That leaves one question. Where's Rhino?
[Rhino knocks into Black Cat's back and knocks her away and Black Cat grunts in pain as Spider-Man turns around to her]
Spider-Man: *CAT!*
Rhino: Well! If it ain't bug boy!
[Rhino charges at Spider-Man]
Spider-Man: Uh-oh!

[the Rhino charges at Spider-Man, but Spider-Man dodges and Rhino hits a wall instead]
Spider-Man: Aww. Did you hurt your little tusky-wusky?
Rhino: Stop making fun of me!

[Spider-Man confronts the Impostor Spider-Man]
Spider-Man: I've got to say, you look just like me. Except you're more "angry back alley" than "friendly neighborhood".
Impostor Spider-Man: Oh. For decades, I've wanted to shut that mouth of yours! Finally, that time is upon me!
[the Impostor Spider-Man changes into Mysterio]
Mysterio: At last! I will crush you, once and for all!
[Mysterio laughs as he grows to giant size and looks down at Spider-Man]
Mysterio: And now, little Spider, you will *die!*
[Mysterio lifts up his foot to step on Spider-Man and Spider-Man nervously chuckles as he steps back]
Spider-Man: Is it too late for us to be friends?

[while fighting Mysterio]
Spider-Man: Hey! You finally found a costume the size of your ego!

[a force field appears around Doctor Octopus]
Doctor Octopus: You will never get past my barrier, Spider-Man!
Spider-Man: He's right! I need to find some way to draw power away from his shield!

[Spider-Man fires a web at a switch and draws away part of Doctor Octopus's energy barrier]
Spider-Man: Yes! This shield is drawing power from his! But I still need to draw more power

[Spider-Man fires a web at the last switch and the barrier goes down]
Spider-Man: That's it! Time to pay the piper, Ock!
[Doctor Octopus dangles helplessly by his own tentacles as he's caught in Spider-Man's trap]
Spider-Man: [Spider-Man fires impact webbing at Doc Ock a few times, until Ock's shield goes back up and Doctor Octopus is dropped back down to attack again]

[Doctor Octopus falls to his knees after fighting Spider-Man, barely conscious]
Doctor Octopus: It cannot end... this way.
[Doc Ock passes out and falls to the floor]
Spider-Man: One down, one to go.

[Cletus Kasady lies on the ground, unconscious, as the Carnage symbiote leaves him and drips down into the laboratory]
Spider-Man: You are a born loser, Cletus Kasady. Like I told Mysterio, *no one* can control the symbiotes. No one I've met, anyway. Take a breather, Spidey. It's over. Well, just another day in the life...
[Two tentacles suddenly smash through the floor and in front of Spider-Man]
Spider-Man: *Whoa!*
[a tentacle grabs Spider-Man's throat and then throws him to the floor as Doctor Octopus appears in the Carnage symbiote, now known as Monster Ock]
Spider-Man: Is that... *Ock?*

Spider-Man: You can run, Venom. But you can't hide.

[taunting the Rhino]
Spider-Man: Awwww, did you hurt your little tusky wusky?

Spider-Man: I wonder if all Wolverine's bones are made out of adamantium.

Spider-Man: The heating bill on this place must be enormous! And I thought crime didn't pay.

[after Rhino slams into an electric generator]
Spider-Man: Rhino burgers, coming up!

Spider-Man: Right now, you're thinking if only you'd taken that giant act to Vegas instead!
Mysterio: Curse your endless babble, Spider-Man!

[as Spider-Man confronts Doctor Octopus and Carnage, Venom suddenly appears in the room]
Venom: Speaking of crushed.
Spider-Man: Huh?
Venom: It's showtime, freaks!
[Venom turns to Carnage]
Venom: Ooh! I smell *bad* symbiote - and it ain't me!
Carnage: Bring it on, *grandpa!*
[Carnage and Venom fight, which leads them up into the next room and leaves Spider-Man alone with Doctor Octopus]
Spider-Man: Alone at last!
Doctor Octopus: Let us *end* this, Spider-Man!

[Spider-Man runs down a tunnel and into a laboratory, where two men stand and are silhouetted by the room's white light]
Spider-Man: Listen, whoever you are. No one can control the symbiotes. *No one!*
[the lights turn off and show Doctor Octopus standing on a platform, with a growling Carnage standing at his side]
Doctor Octopus: I need not control the symbiotes, Spider-Man.
Spider-Man: *Doc Ock?*
Doctor Octopus: We will work as one. 'Tis a new world. Humanity needs the skills that *my* technology will give them. Symbiosis is the only way.
Spider-Man: I should've known a reformed Doc Ock was too good to be true!
[Doctor Octopus's four tentacles emerge from behind him and snap with a life of their own]
Doctor Octopus: A perfect world order! Those who do not share my vision will be *crushed* by it!

[once the player selects the Kid Mode difficulty icon]
Spider-Man: Kid mode!

Spider-Man: You are the loser, Cletus Kasady! Like I told Mysterio: No one can control the symbiotes.

Spider-Man: [after defeating an enemy] Ah... I made this look easy.

Venom: [Venom is on the Times Square jumbotron] The Venom marathon continues on the biggest TV in New York! We're shoutin' out to the whole big Rotten Apple, here people.
Spider-Man: Sad thing is, he'll probably get his own talk show for this.
Venom: So, we've got this beautiful redhead. You know her, she's one of those famous bimbos. We have decided that this poor little lassie has twenty-four hours to live! Twenty-four hours! Oh, by the way... her name is Mary Jane Parker! Ahahaha!
Spider-Man: No! Not Mary Jane!
Venom: So, just in case *someone*... and I know who it could be. If anyone of you tight-wearing freaks out there, want to save little miss fashion model... THEN BRING IT ON! Meanwhile, New Yorkers... the Venom marathon will continue!


Spider-Man 2: Enter Electro (2001) (VG)
Spider-Man: As Edison said when he discovered electricity, ow!

Spider-Man: The Beetle! What do you have to do with this?
The Beetle: Times change, Spiderman. I do what I have to.
[zaps Spidey]
The Beetle: Some other time, Spider jerk!

[Spider-Man enters the Danger Room and finds Rogue and Professor X waiting for him]
Spider-Man: Whoa! This looks interesting.
Rogue: This is to practice your zip-line ability, Spider-Man. These are the only places you may touch. If you touch anywhere else, you fail.
Spider-Man: All or nothing, huh, lady? All right. I'll give it a whirl.
Rogue: Oh, yeah. You can't web-swing either for this one.
Spider-Man: Trying to make this easy, eh? Stand back, people! Be back in a jiff!
Professor X: Remember, Spider-Man, you can only touch the green areas.
Spider-Man: Green, right! Got it!

[after Beast leaps down onto a rooftop, Spider-Man runs over and stands in front of him]
Spider-Man: Beast. What's got you bounding about? Not a Sentinel attack, I hope.
Beast: Greetings, my web-slinging compatriot. I noticed perchance your diurnal patrol and thought I would provide you with information of a practical and necessary nature.
Spider-Man: Thanks for the show of interest, Beast. But I've been doing this for a while now. I think I'm okay.
Beast: Indeed. We shall see. Would you mind telling me what this is?
[Spider-Man's Spider-Compass appears on the screen]
Spider-Man: That's my trusty Spider-Compass. It shows me where to go when I'm out and about.
Beast: Hmm. I do believe you are correct, sir. Since you're so smart, why don't you try following me?
[Beast leaps away and Spider-Man follows after him]

[after Spider-Man runs through a question mark icon, Beast drops down onto a rooftop and crouches next to Spider-Man]
Beast: Pretty good, web-head. Now I've seen these all over the city.
[a blue spider-shaped Webbing icon appears on the screen]
Spider-Man: This gives me more webbing.

[Spider-Man and Beast see a Henchman nearby]
Beast: This guy looks like trouble. How do you think we should deal with him?
Spider-Man: Using square and circle, I can punch and kick. And pressing triangle, I can shoot my web.

[Spider-Man lands on the roof of the Fantastic Four's headquarters, the Baxter Building]
Spider-Man: I wonder if they rent or own.

[after Spider-Man defeats a Henchman, Beast appears]
Beast: Superior performance, Spider-Man. Hmm. I'll wage you could use one of *these*?
[Spider-Man notices a white spider-shaped Health icon nearby]
Spider-Man: One of these will give me more health.

[Spider-Man enters the Danger Room for the first time and finds Professor X waiting for him]
Professor X: Well, Spider-Man, I see you have decided to take advantage of Beast's offer to train in our state of the art Danger Room. This exercise will test one of your greatest abilities, web-swinging. To complete this mission, you need to turn all of the green areas blue by landing on them or walking over them. Be careful, though. Do not touch the red areas or you will fail the mission.
Spider-Man: Okay, Prof. This should be a piece of cake. I was born for this sort of thing.

[Spider-Man enters the Danger Room and finds Professor X waiting for him]
Professor X: This mission utilizes another of your web abilities, the web yank. You can pull both enemies and some objects by pressing down at the same time you press the web button. You can yank to the side by pressing diagonally down to the left or right and the web button to yank in those directions. Follow my instructions and make your attempt.
Spider-Man: Sounds easy enough. You going to do that talking-in-my-head thing? Ew! It's so creepy!
Professor X: I intend to do just that, Spider-Man.
Spider-Man: O-kay, then.

[Spider-Man enters the Danger Room and finds Professor X and Rogue waiting for him]
Professor X: In this mission, Spider-Man, you will practice using your L2 targeting feature. When there are multiple targets on screen, you can easily cycle through them by pressing the L2 button repeatedly. When you have your target, press up and the web button to fire impact webbing at it.
Rogue: Hit *only* the green targets. You'll fail the mission if you hit the red ones.
Spider-Man: Simple enough. Do I get a prize for this? I could use a stuffed rabbit for my girl.

[Spider-Man enters the Danger Room and finds Professor X and Rogue waiting for him]
Professor X: This mission tests your L1 aiming abilities. You must make it to the top of the tower without touching the black area.
[Rogue flies up and shows where each target is up the tower]
Professor X: Use your L1 targeting button to aim and then R2 to swing to the target.
Spider-Man: Ah. This will come in handy for rescuing cats out of trees.

[while fighting the Shocker]
Spider-Man: No, you *can't* have my lunch money!

[while fighting flying robot drones]
Spider-Man: Look, if you let me go now, I promise I'll come back and play tomorrow!

[Spider-Man falls and lands on the floor in a construction site]
Spider-Man: Just my luck. A construction site.
[Spider-Man notices a water valve on a nearby wall]
Spider-Man: Hey. Wait a minute. Sandman is vulnerable to water and that looks like a water pump! If I can get the pressure high enough, maybe I can make mud pies out of little friend here!

[Spider-Man fires a web at a water valve to turn it on and nothing happens]
Spider-Man: No more pressure!

[Sandman turns into sand and goes down a sewer grate in defeat]
Spider-Man: Nighty-night, Sandman!
[Spider-Man looks at a broken window and notices guards inside the laboratory]
Spider-Man: Looks like security's made it to the lab. Think I got what I needed anyway.
[Spider-Man crawls away on a wall and then stops]
Spider-Man: Huh? You've got to be kidding me!
[Spider-Man stands at a newspaper stand and sees a headline of the Zeus's Tear gem display at the museum]
Spider-Man: Oh, great. Just great. Well, I can hope that Electro can't read, but I guess he could have someone do that for him. Hope I'm not too late getting to that museum. What do I do about the doctor, though? Electro probably needs her to show him how the device works, so she should be safe for now.
[Spider-Man runs off and then swings high over the city on a web-rope]
Spider-Man: Let's hope Electro is as dim as he looks!

[Spider-Man crawls up a wall of the museum and a nearby TV set explodes]
Spider-Man: Explosions! Now in Activision!

[Spider-Man gets to the top of the museum exhibit wall and climbs over the railing to the upper level platform]
Spider-Man: Ladies and gentlemen, this concludes our tour of the Ages of Man. Next, the Pounding of Electro exhibit!

Electro: This is only the smallest fraction of my power!
[Electro fires an electric blast at a machine on the ceiling to turn it on and the machine fires four purple lasers down at the floor]
Spider-Man: Lasers? This exhibit comes with space ships AND death rays! Fantastic!

Electro: Not so fast, bug! For tonight, you're not the only one who gets squashed.
Spider-Man: This is a new low, even for you, Electro. I'm the one you want!
Electro: Fool! This was never about you, this was about power!

[as robots fly ahead to attack him]
Spider-Man: You know, I wonder if Captain America has to put up with this.

[Spider-Man drops into a laboratory from an air vent and looks around and the damages]
Spider-Man: Wow. Maybe this wasn't the Lizard. This amount of damage would do the Hulk proud.
[Spider-Man walks ahead and looks around the room]
Spider-Man: Come on, Doc. Give me a sign here. Let me know you're okay.
[Spider-Man's spider-sense goes off and he leaps into another room as the Lizard bursts through a shut door to attack him, then Spider-Man turns to face the Lizard]
Spider-Man: RELAX!
[Spider-Man fires a web at a button on the wall and the doors slide shut before the Lizard can approach him]

[as the Lizard chases after him]
Spider-Man: Why couldn't the Doc experiment with bunny D.N.A. instead? HAD to be a lizard's!

[while fighting robotic samurai warriors with red eyes]
Spider-Man: Sorry, but I must honorably decline this beating!

[while fighting robotic samurai warriors with red eyes]
Spider-Man: Wait a second. Did any of you guys know Iron Man?

[while fighting robotic samurai warriors with red eyes]
Spider-Man: These samurai are suffering from red, itchy, swollen eyes!

[while fighting robotic samurai warriors with red eyes]
Spider-Man: The strong, silent type, huh? I bet the ladies love you guys!

[after destroying four generators on Electro's tower]
Spider-Man: There! Try recharging now, Sparky!

[Spider-Man steps on an electrified mine and is knocked to the ground]
Spider-Man: Note to self: avoid electrified mines!

[Hyper-Electro stands before Spider-Man and attacks him with a staff made out of a lightning bolt]
Spider-Man: A lightning staff?

[Hyper-Electro is hit by Spider-Man's impact webbing and Hyper-Electro flickers]
Spider-Man: He's flickering! Maybe I've damaged the device!

[after defeating Hyper-Electro, Electro's Bio-Nexus device is destroyed and Electro falls unconscious to the ground in his normal form]
Spider-Man: This goes to show that good wins because - evil is dumb!

[Hammerhead charges head-first at Spider-Man, but Spider-Man dodges and Hammerhead hits the wall instead]
Spider-Man: Be careful of those walls!

[as Spider-Man stands on the roof of a tall building]
Spider-Man: I can see my house from here!

[while fighting Hyper-Electro]
Spider-Man: First I have to disable the capacitors along the sides - if Electro doesn't flash-fry me first!

[Spider-Man notices the Daily Bugle headline that credits Thor with defeating Electro]
Spider-Man: What the? Now what's *this* all about?
[Spider-Man crumples the paper in his hands and shakes his head]
Spider-Man: Ugh. I need a new agent.


Spider-Man: Friend or Foe (2007) (VG)
Spider-Man: Ok, we're going to Egypt next.
Rhino: Oh... what's an Egypt?

New Goblin: Spidey, hitch a ride!
[Spider-Man fires a web at New Goblin's glider as he flies by and he swings away with New Goblin away from his gathered villains]
New Goblin: Looked like you could use a hand!
Spider-Man: What I could use is a *bazooka!*

[after being surrounded by Phantoms, a spotlight shines down on Spider-Man from the S.H.I.E.L.D. ship above him]
Spider-Man: If this day gets any weirder, I may have to scream.
[the spotlight starts to lift Spider-Man up into the sky]
Spider-Man: Yep. That'll do it.
[Spider-Man screams as he's pulled into the S.H.I.E.L.D. ship]

[Spider-Man stands before a defeated Doctor Octopus]
Doctor Octopus: You don't want to fight?
Spider-Man: Doc, you were wreaking havoc until I broke the amulet controlling your mind.
Doctor Octopus: Someone took control of my mind?
[Doctor Octopus is lifted up by his tentacles and stands before Spider-Man]
Doctor Octopus: *Unacceptable!*
Spider-Man: Wanna help me find out who it was?
Doctor Octopus: I most certainly *would!*
[Doctor Octopus rubs his chin]
Doctor Octopus: Say. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear I'd been *punched!*
Spider-Man: Oh, really? Weird.

[Spider-Man is teleported into the SHIELD Helicarrier and he looks around the room for a moment]
Spider-Man: Hello?
[Nick Fury approaches Spider-Man]
Nick Fury: Nick Fury, director of SHIELD.
[Spider-Man and Nick Fury briefly shake hands]
Spider-Man: The anti-terrorist organization?
Nick Fury: That's just one part of our initiative. The rest is top secret.
Spider-Man: You're top secret and your headquarters is a giant, flying aircraft carrier?
Nick Fury: You'd be surprised how rarely anybody looks up.
[Nick Fury walks off and over to the Computer and Spider-Man walks after him]
Spider-Man: You know, I'm happy to be alive and all, but how did I get here?
Nick Fury: Short range teleporter pulled you out of the fray. Somebody wake the Computer up. It's time to get to work.

[the Computer is activated and the computer screen turns on]
Computer: Mission briefing software online. Welcome, Colonel Fury. Welcome, Spider-Man.
Spider-Man: Uh... Hi? Should I talk to the computer?
Nick Fury: Only if you want to irritate me.
Computer: I appreciate the attention.

Nick Fury: Computer, load up the meteor situation report.
[an image appears on the screen of a meteor storm in outer space and they pass by Earth]
Nick Fury: A while back, a meteor storm passed through our corner of the galaxy.
Computer: Trajectory Alpha seven three.
[one meteor rock heads down to Earth]
Nick Fury: Now most of those space rocks went racing right on by Earth. But one crashed down.
[the screen shows an image of the meteor crash-landing in New York]
Computer: Tracking impact locale.
Nick Fury: Right in the middle of Manhattan.
Computer: Impact location. Forty degrees, forty seven minutes north; seventy three degrees, fifty eight minutes west.
Nick Fury: Two guesses what hitched a ride on that meteor.
Spider-Man: Venom.
[an image of Venom appears on the screen]
Computer: Venom: symbiotic lifeform of unknown alien origin.

Nick Fury: But that's not the worst part.
Spider-Man: It gets worse than Venom?
Computer: Worse is a relative term. Venom is only a rating seven of ten on a scale of terrible ways to die.
Nick Fury: See, that meteor shower he was a part of...
[Nick Fury is interrupted as an image appears on the screen of a wasp with a rocket launcher strapped to its back]
Computer: As a means of comparison, some selections from level eight include wasps with laser-guided...
Nick Fury: Computer, put a sock in it!

Nick Fury: As I was saying, that meteor shower that Venom was part of...
[the screen shows an image of a meteor heading to Earth]
Nick Fury: One of the meteors went into low Earth orbit and bounced across the atmosphere like a stone on water. But as it went, it broke apart into smaller shards.
[an image appears of the world and of the five meteor shards' landing sites]
Computer: Meteor shard landing sites. Tokyo, Japan. Tangaroa Island. Cairo, Egypt. Stokerstov, Transylvania. And Alberna, Nepal.
Nick Fury: We've tracked the various pieces to their landing sites, but before we could move in to collect them, these nasty pieces of work started showing up.
[an image of a PHANTOM monster appears on the screen]
Computer: Perpetual Holographic Avatar Nano Tech Offensive Monster, or PHANTOM.
Spider-Man: You guys have a department just for acronyms, don't you?
Nick Fury: PHANTOMS aren't biological. They're a mix of solid light holographic technology and the symbiote substance found in the meteors.
Spider-Man: Somebody's making monsters that use the symbiote goo? That's just great!

Nick Fury: We're clearly dealing with someone of advanced technological means creating these things and they obviously have their hands on one shard already. So *we* need to get to the other shards before they can. Which is why I need your help, Spider-Man.
[an image appears of Spider-Man standing before Green Goblin, Doctor Octopus and Venom]
Nick Fury: You've faced enough super-powered threats in your day. You're the perfect guy for the job.
Spider-Man: Oh, man. I have to say, I was really looking forward to maybe taking a few days off.
Nick Fury: We've got a saying around here.
[an image of Nick Fury appears on the screen, pointing forward with several SHIELD soldiers standing side by side behind him]
Nick Fury: Saving the world is a full-time job.
Spider-Man: I get it. Great power, great responsibility... Okay, I'm in. Where do I start?
[the Computer screen goes blank]

[a map appears of Japan and shows an image of the meteor shard's crash landing in Tokyo]
Computer: Impact point. Thirty five degrees, forty-one minutes north. One hundred and thirty nine degrees, forty six minutes east.
Nick Fury: Spider-Man, we tracked the first meteor, but it was retrieved and taken somewhere in Tokyo. Complicating matters are sightings of a couple of old friends of yours.
[an image of Green Goblin appears on the computer screen]
Computer: Threat identity: Green Goblin. Green Goblin is equipped with an arsenal of razor bats and pumpkin bombs. Warning: Approach with caution.
Spider-Man: Well, there's the understatement of the year.
[an image of Doctor Octopus appears on the computer screen]
Computer: Threat identity: Doc Ock. Doc Ock is a genius of technological science. Warning: May be dangerous.
Spider-Man: No, wait. *There's* the understatement of the year.

Computer: Warning. Additional scans of local media, police vans and screaming in streets indicates high concentration of PHANTOM activity. PHANTOMS present have estimated symbiote index of five percent of maximum.
Spider-Man: Well, sounds like I should go down there.
Nick Fury: Hold up. There's one more bit of information. There's an operative in the area. Cat burglar by trade, but she sports a heart of gold.
[an image of Black Cat appears on the computer screen]
Computer: Agent identity: Black Cat. Wielding a grappling hook as a weapon, she is a dangerous and agile combatant.
Nick Fury: She might be willing to lend a hand if you bump into her.
Spider-Man: So, to review: Crazy hologram monsters, crazy bad guys, lost meteor shard and incredibly attractive cat burglar.
Nick Fury: That's it in a nut shell. Good luck down there.
[the computer screen goes blank]

[as Black Cat tries to open a locked door, Spider-Man appears behind Black Cat and dangles upside down holding a web rope]
Black Cat: You think you're pretty sneaky, don't you?
[Black Cat turns around and is face to face with Spider-Man]
Spider-Man: I was, uh... eh... Oh, boy.
[Spider-Man releases his web, drops to the floor and stands before Black Cat]
Spider-Man: I'm looking for a crazy guy with big metal arms. Have you seen him?
Black Cat: Yeah, he's inside this building.
[Black Cat leans back against the locked door with a smile]
Black Cat: How bad do you want in?
[Spider-Man scratches his head]
Spider-Man: Oh, uh... well... Pretty bad.
Black Cat: Then I wanna go *with.*
Spider-Man: *That*... could be *arranged.*

[Doctor Octopus has a mind-control amulet on his chest and he walks with his tentacles to his machine containing his self-sustaining energy sun]
Doctor Octopus: Yes, yes, this will do nicely. The PHANTOMS should see their power increase *tenfold.*
[Spider-Man is sticking to the side wall and looks down at Doctor Octopus]
Spider-Man: Thousands of miles from home and who do I bump into, but my favorite metal-armed maniac!
[Doctor Octopus turns around and notices Spider-Man clinging to the wall]
Doctor Octopus: *Spider-Man!*
[Spider-Man leaps off the wall and at Doctor Octopus, but he is struck in the ribs by Doc Ock, sent slamming back-first against the wall and falls to the floor]
Spider-Man: Oh...
[Spider-Man gasps for air as he notices that Doctor Octopus is standing by his machine]
Spider-Man: Who needs ribs, anyway?

[while fighting a mind-controlled Doc Ock]
Spider-Man: Four extra arms and you still can't get me!

[after defeating a group of PHANTOMS]
Spider-Man: Spidey and friends, one. Bad guys, nothing.
Prowler: 'Nuff said.

[after defeating a group of PHANTOMS]
Spider-Man: Spidey and friends, one. Bad guys, nothing.
Black Cat: I couldn't have said it better.

[before a group of PHANTOMS appear]
Doctor Octopus: You're more fidgety than usual.
Spider-Man: Something has my spider-sense going.

[a group of PHANTOMS suddenly appears to fight Spider-Man and Prowler]
Spider-Man: [singing]
Spider-Man: The itsy-bitsy spider's gonna web you in the face!
Prowler: Oh, I can't work with you when there's singing involved!

[before a group of PHANTOMS appear]
Black Cat: What's your spider-sense say?
Spider-Man: You'd better believe my spider-sense is tingling!

[after defeating a group of PHANTOMS]
Spider-Man: Spidey and friends, one. Bad guys, nothing.
Doctor Octopus: Ye... *Friends?*

[after a group of PHANTOMS appear]
Spider-Man: I was wondering when I'd find more of you - to *fight!*
Black Cat: *I* was wondering when we would get a quiet moment alone.

[after defeating a group of PHANTOMS]
Spider-Man: What a workout!
Green Goblin: For your *jaw?* Yes, I imagine it *was!*

[a large PHANTOM appears to fight Spider-Man and Doctor Octopus]
Doctor Octopus: This one appears most sinister.
Spider-Man: Oh, I bet you're just a big teddy bear, aren't you?

[after defeating a group of PHANTOMS]
Spider-Man: Man, it feels good to be a super-hero!
Doctor Octopus: And this is where we *stop* agreeing!

[the Computer screen switches on]
Computer: Briefing software active. Sense of humor, offline.
Spider-Man: Excuse me?
Nick Fury: Computer was getting a little uppity, so I pulled a couple of chips.
[a map of Tangaroa Island appears on the Computer screen]
Computer: Tangaroa Island. Once believed mythical, this island at latitude four point eight one five and longitude a hundred and sixty two point three four two is mostly unexplored.
Nick Fury: So far, we know this meteor shard hasn't been snatched yet. But there's still a pretty good deal of PHANTOM activity in the area. We sent someone in to retrieve the meteor shard, but we lost radio contact within twenty-four hours ago.
[an image of Iron Fist appears on the Computer screen]
Computer: Agent identity: Iron Fist. There is nothing funny about this name. Iron Fist is a master of the K'un L'un martial arts. His costume is not funny.
Nick Fury: Clearly, I need to unhook some sarcasm circuits, too.
Spider-Man: Oh, come on! Just give the poor thing its sense of humor back!
[after a brief pause, an image of the SHIELD bird emblem appears on the screen]
Computer: Sense of humor reactivated.
[stars drop down onto the screen and a red-and-white striped party hat drops and lands on the head of the SHIELD bird emblem]
Computer: Thank you, Spider-Man.

Spider-Man: Computer, are the PHANTOMS on the island the same as what we saw in Tokyo?
Computer: Last report from agent Iron Fist identified a nine percent symbiote index in all encountered PHANTOMS.
Nick Fury: Computer, if you think you can behave yourself, please load up the villain profiles.
[an image of Scorpion appears on the Computer screen]
Computer: Threat identity: Scorpion. Scorpion's suit is equipped with a high-powered plasma laser. Warning: has a big tail!
Nick Fury: *Computer*...
[an image of Rhino appears on the screen]
Computer: Threat identity: Rhino. Rhino's strength is only matched by his lack of wits. Warning...
[Computer chuckles]
Computer: Smells like a rhinoceros.
Nick Fury: All right, that's enough! I want some computer techs in here right now! I want...
[Spider-Man talks over Nick Fury, who is still indistinctly shouting orders]
Spider-Man: I'll tell you what. I'll leave you two to sort this out and I'll go see if I can find your buddy Iron Fist and that meteor shard.

[Spider-Man lands crouched before a mind-controlled Scorpion]
Spider-Man: Hey. What'cha doing, pal?
Scorpion: Keeping you occupied while the others collect the shards!
[Scorpion swats his tail at Spider-Man, but he flips away and lands on the ground]
Spider-Man: So your plan to keep me occupied is to put a big tail on your costume and hit me with it? Genius!

[after his mind-control amulet has been destroyed, Scorpion shakes his head, looks around at the temple he's in and he notices Spider-Man standing before him]
Scorpion: Whoa! This ain't New York!
Spider-Man: Ooh, observant! Tell me, now that I've broken the mind control, what's going on?
Scorpion: *Mind control?*
[Scorpion slams his fists on the ground in anger]
Scorpion: Somebody needs a *thumping*, 'cause I don't like being out of control!
[Spider-Man crouches and looks at Scorpion]
Spider-Man: And yet, when you're *in* control, you dress up like a scorpion and act crazy. Go figure.

[after defeating a group of PHANTOMS]
Spider-Man: Spidey and friends, one. Bad guys, nothing.
Venom: I am *not* your friend!


Ultimate Spider-Man (2005) (VG)
[after being thrown through a roof by the Goblin]
Spider-Man: I have just officially run out of ways to say, "Ow."

[to Rhino]
Spider-Man: Is that a horn on your head, or are you happy to... Oh my God, I am so scared I can't finish my lame joke.

[chasing after Venom who's captured Silver Sable]
Spider-Man: Crazy silver hottie threaten my family. I should let Eddie eat her. He'd be doing me a favor. But then I'd then feel guilty about that because, clearly, I don't have enough things to feel guilty about. So now, here I am. Trying to save the crazy woman. If my life were any more stupid, it would be on network TV.

Spider-Man: Hot tamale!

[racing the Human Torch]
Spider-Man: Moon Knight is faster than you!

[racing the Human Torch]
Spider-Man: Speedball is faster than you!

Spider-Man: [When racing Johnny Storm] An actual matchstick is faster than you!

Spider-Man: [When fighting the Green Goblin, referring to his fireballs] Only YOU can prevent Spidey-man fires!

Spider-Man: I am gonna smack the green right off you!

Spider-Man: [to Johnny Storm] I am here to win back the honor of my family name.
Johnny Storm: What?
Spider-Man: I was watching "Fist of Legend" last night.

Green Goblin: Let's finish this!
Spider-Man: I agree! What is this, again?

Spider-Man: [sing-song voice] The fist bone's connected to the - face bone!

[repeated line as he falls into the river]
Spider-Man: Glub. Did I just say glub?

[after defeating Rhino, Alex O'Hirn ejects from the robotic rhinoceros]
Alex O'Hirn: Back away from me, masked avenger. My diminuitive corpus will not with-stand your contumelious deficient.
Spider-Man: Not with the big words again.

Johnny Storm: Alright,this is the last time we're doing this.
Spider-Man: Bring it.
Johnny Storm: You got enough web fluid for a lap around the entire island?
Spider-Man: Got enough lighter fluid?
Johnny Storm: Wow, that was a lame comeback.
Spider-Man: It's the altitude.

Spider-Man: You're great, but not Hulk great.

Spider-Man: [Punching the Green Goblin] Maybe this will knock the crazy out of you.

Mary Jane: What's wrong?
Spider-Man: It's Eddie, he's still out there. And I don't know if I'm scared of him or for him.
Mary Jane: But he's not here.
Spider-Man: No.
Mary Jane: I'm here.
[He puts his arm around her]

Spider-Man: [to Rino] Hey you! Is that a rhinoceros horn or are you just happy to see...
[Rhino turns around and he's 8 feet taller than Spidey]
Spider-Man: I am so scared right now I can't even finish my lame joke.


Spider-Man 3 (2007) (VG)
Spider-Man: Hey Scorpion, you may just be the tool I've been looking for... wait, that came out wrong

Venom: Like looking into a mirror isn't it, Pete? Only I'm bigger, better.
Spider-Man: I think I should sue you for character infringement and win.

Spider-Man: [fighting Giant Sandman] My what big... everything you have, grandma!
Flint Marko: Who's the spider and who's the fly now?

Spider-Man: Harry, what are you doing here?
New Goblin: I realised you didn't kill my father. The darkness that consumed him almost finished me too, but you never turned away from me, even after everything I did.

Mary Jane Watson: [during the MJ Scare Ride] Peter Parker, this isn't funny!
Spider-Man: [corrupted by the Symbiote] Do you have to complain about every little thing I do?
Mary Jane Watson: I'm getting dizzy. I think I'm gonna be sick.

Kraven The Hunter: You won't be laughing when I rip out your heart!
Spider-Man: Huh, well how bout I meet you half way and knee you in the groin?

Kraven The Hunter: [after drinking an invisibility potion] Come, dark shadows, embrace me!
Spider-Man: [sarcastically] That's right, turning invisible so I can't see you. That's the only way you'll ever be able to beat me.

Scorpion: Look at this! I took off all that armor but I'm still a freak! I'll kill her for what she did to me!
Spider-Man: Whoa, big fella. You do that and any chance of a normal life is history.
Scorpion: Ah! You're right. So what do we do?
Spider-Man: We'll make sure she sets things right with you and that she never does it to anyone again.

Spider-Man: [after curing the Lizards] Let's not do that again.
Dr. Connors: I'm so sorry, Spider-Man, for all of this.
Spider-Man: It's OK, Doc. You're a good man. I wish good intentions were all it took. See you around, Doc, be well.

Dr. Connors: [having a nightmare] No... no... no!
Dr. Connors: [wakes up] Who? Spider-Man?
Spider-Man: Easy, Doc. I need your help. Some of your lizards are still on the loose.
Dr. Connors: Oh, dear God. Not more. What did I do?
Spider-Man: Take the guilt ship later. You have to help me find a way to reverse the effects.
Dr. Connors: Yes, yes, of course. If you can get me a sample of the regeneration serum from my lab, I can engineer an antidote.
Spider-Man: Your lab at the university?
Dr. Connors: No... the Lizard... *I* had another lab down in the sewer.
Spider-Man: I'll get the serum, be ready.
Dr. Connors: When you have it, meet me at the university lab. I will set things right again.

Spider-Man: [opening narrative] Just another day in the life of your friendly neighborhood, Spider-Man. Lately things have been going my way. I got the girl, and New York finally likes me-not that there aren't problems. Like this new guy, Eddie Brock, at the Daily Bugle. He's really starting to get on my nerves. And Harry, my best friend, won't talk to me. On top of that, new gangs have moved in and they're dividing up the city. Still, it's nothing I can't handle. One weird thing: There haven't been any big supervillains around since Doc Ock. I have this bad feeling like, the sky is going to fall or something - and soon.

Spider-Man: [snatching a hostage] Hang on, it's going to be a bumpy ride!
Spider-Man: [after crashing out the window and nearly falling] Thanks for flying Air Spidey.

Wilson Fisk: [through a speakerphone] You have nerve to come here, Spider-Man. I'll give you that. Come up and let's talk, shall we?
Wilson Fisk: [after Spider-Man breaks Fisk's expensive doors] That was uncalled for, Spider-Man.
Spider-Man: I'm taking you and your whole crime empire out, Fisk.
Wilson Fisk: Is that so? What a shame.
[hurls table at him]

Lizard: I will feed what's left of you to my brothers.
Spider-Man: That's no good. I'm really... stringy.

Spider-Man: [closing narration] This should be a happy ending. I beat the villain, brought a family back together, and got the girl. But it's not that easy. Being Spider-Man always comes with a price, and today that price was a steep one. What keeps me going are Uncle Ben's words: with great power comes great responsibility. In the end, people need heroes. As tough as it gets sometimes, I have to fight on. And the best way to honor the people I love is to never stop being... your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man!

Morbius: [to Dr. Connors] Curt Connors. Something came over me. I can't explain...
Dr. Connors: Don't worry. I understand. Better than you know.
Spider-Man: We both do.

Flint Marko: Penny!
Venom: He took your little girl... and he killed her!
Spider-Man: Little girl?
Flint Marko: [after turning giant] Give me my daughter!


Spider-Man 2 (2004)
[Spider-Man is unable to stop the reactor, so he turns to the only person who can help him... ]
Spider-Man: Doctor Octavius!
[Doc Ock frowns puzzledy, He recognizes that voice - and as if to confirm it, Spider-Man removes his mask and reveals his identity... ]
Peter Parker: We have to shut it down! Please tell me how!
Doc Ock: Peter Parker...?Brilliant but lazy."
[He chuckles at this statement made by his old friend, now seeing its irony]
Peter Parker: Look at what's happening! We have to stop it!
Doc Ock: I can't stop it... I WON'T!
[He clamps a tentacle on Peter's neck and glares at him]
Peter Parker: You once spoke to me about intelligence... you said it was a gift to be used for the greater good...
Doc Ock: A privilege...
Peter Parker: These things have turned you into something else... don't listen to THEM...
Doc Ock: It was my dream...
Peter Parker: Sometimes... to do what's right... we must be steady... and give up the things we desire the most... even our dreams.
Doc Ock: You're right.
[a piece of wreckage gets sucked into the machine. Outside several cars are pulled towards the vortex]
Doc Ock: [to his arms] He's right...
[the tentacles click and whirl, strongly disagreeing with him]
Dr. Otto Octavius: Listen... listen to me now! Listen to ME now!
[He finally acquires his sanity, and control over his tentacles. With a jerk, a tentacle lets go of Peter]
Peter Parker: Now... tell me how to stop it!
Dr. Otto Octavius: It can't be stopped. It's self-sustaining now.
Peter Parker: THINK!
Doc Ock: Unless... the river! Drown it!
[Peter turns to leave, but a tentacle grips him once again... ]
Dr. Otto Octavius: I'll do it.
[He heads towards his Frankenstein creation, pausing for a moment to look back at Peter. Peter meets his glance, and then sensing someone, looks behind him and sees Mary Jane... ]

Spider-Man: Where is she?
Dr. Otto Octavius: Oh, she'll be just fine. Let's talk.
[they fight]

[tossing a bag of coins back at Doc Ock]
Spider-Man: Here's your change!

[man steps into elevator. Spider-man is in the elevator]
Elevator Passenger: Cool Spidey outfit.
Spider-Man: Thanks.
Elevator Passenger: Where did you get it?
Spider-Man: I made it.
[pause]
Elevator Passenger: Looks uncomfortable...
Spider-Man: Yeah, it's kind of itchy...
[pause]
Spider-Man: ...and it rides up in the crotch a little bit, too.

Spider-Man: If you lay... One finger... On her... I'll...
Dr. Otto Octavius: - You'll what?

Ben Parker: Of all the times we talked of honesty, fairness, justice. A lot of those times I counted on you to have the courage, to take those dreams out into the world.
Spider-Man: I can't live your dreams anymore. I want a life of my own.
Ben Parker: You've been given a gift Peter, with great power, comes great responsibility.
[gives his hand to Peter]
Ben Parker: Take my hand son.
Spider-Man: [backs away] No Uncle Ben. I'm just Peter Parker. I'm Spider-Man no more. No more...

Mary Jane Watson: Peter I'm getting married.
Spider-Man: I've always imagined you getting you married on a hill top.
Mary Jane Watson: Who's the groom?
Spider-Man: You hadn't decided yet.

Spider-Man: [after getting reprimanded by Mary Jane] I don't think it's that simple.
Mary Jane Watson: Of course you don't! Because you complicate things!

Spider-Man: [in argument with Mary Jane] You don't understand! I'm not an empty seat anymore. I'm different! Punch me I bleed.

Spider-Man: [Thinks to himself] Am I not supposed to have what I want? What I need? What am I supposed to do.

Doc Ock: [grabs Spider-Man in the bank] You're getting on my nerves.
Spider-Man: I have a knack for that.
Doc Ock: Not anymore.

Spider-Man: [addressing two kids he saved from getting hit by a truck] Hey, you two. No playing in the street.
Boy Saved by Spider-Man, Girl Saved by Spider-Man: Yes, Mr. Spider-Man.
Spider-Man: See ya!

Spider-Man: [referring to Doc Ock] We sure showed him!
May Parker: What do you mean 'we'?

Spider-Man: [to Aunt May, who's hanging several hundred feet up the side of a building] Hang on!

Elevator Passenger: I'm with Weisenhower, Anderson, Nichols & Knudsen PR firm in the building and I just wanna say I think the image you have is fantastic. It's really put together. The costume. The... this thing. I mean, it's really put together. It's great. I think you can do more than print though. I think you might wanna try some TV, you know? Can I riff for you? Can I come up with a couple ideas for you? Just what my company would do. Let's see what I got. How 'bout, um, uh, a children's book? You could, uh, have like Charlotte's Web but without the pig. You know, that kind of thing. How 'bout, um, uh, a line of hammocks? 'Cause it's kind of a web thing. Um, you could do, um, a men's cologne called "Thwip." Let me give you a card.
Spider-Man: I don't have any pockets.


Spider-Man (2002)
Spider-Man: You have a knack for getting in trouble.
Mary Jane: You have a knack for saving my life. I think I have a superhero stalker.
Spider-Man: I was in the neighborhood...

Green Goblin: [the Green Goblin has just pummeled Spider-Man] Misery, Misery, Misery, that's what you've chosen. I offered you friendship and you spat in my face.
[Green Goblin continues to beat Spider-Man]
Green Goblin: You've spun your last web, Spider-Man. If you had not been so selfish, your little girlfriend's death would have been quick and painless, but now that you've really pissed me off, I'm gonna finish her nice and slow. MJ and I, we're gonna have a hell of a time!
Green Goblin: [Green Goblin lunges forward, but Spider-Man blocks and pushes him into a brick wall] Peter, Peter, stop, it's me!
Spider-Man: [Green Goblin takes off his mask, revealing Norman Osborn] Mr. Osborn...
Green Goblin: Oh, Peter, thank God for you...
Spider-Man: You killed those people on that balcony!
Norman Osborn: The Goblin did it, I had nothing to do with it! Please, don't let him take me again! I beg of you, protect me!
Spider-Man: You tried to kill Aunt May! You tried to kill Mary Jane!
Norman Osborn: But not you? I tried to stop it, I couldn't stop it.
[Norman pushes a button on his suit and the glider rises]
Norman Osborn: If anything happened to me, I knew it was you who would save me and so you have, Peter thank god for you
Norman Osborn: [Norman rises up] Give me your hand, I've been like a father to you. Be a son to me now.
Spider-Man: I had a father, his name was Ben Parker.
Green Goblin: Godspeed, Spider-Man
Norman Osborn: [Warned by spider-sense, Spider-Man black flips over the oncoming glider] Oh!
[the glider impales Norman]
Norman Osborn: Peter, don't tell Harry.

Green Goblin: [lands in front of Spider-Man on a rooftop] Wake up little spider, no you're not dead yet just paralysed. You're an amazing creature, Spider-Man. You and I are not so different.
Spider-Man: I'm not like you. You're a murderer.
Green Goblin: Well, to each his own. I chose my path, you chose the way of the hero. And they found you amusing for a while, the people of this city. But the one thing they love more than a hero is to see a hero fail, fall, die trying. In spite of everything you've done for them, eventually they will hate you. Why bother?
Spider-Man: Because it's right.
Green Goblin: [slaps Spider-Man on the head] Here's the real truth. There are eight million people in this city. And those teeming masses exist for the sole purpose of lifting the few exceptional people onto their shoulders. You, me? We're exceptional.
[leans in and grabs Spider-Man's neck]
Green Goblin: I could squash you like a bug right now, but I'm offering you a choice. Join me! Imagine what we could accomplish together... what we could create. Or we could destroy! Cause the deaths of countless innocents in selfish battle again and again and again until we're both dead! Is that what you want?
[jumps on the glider]
Green Goblin: Think about it, hero!

[the Goblin crashes through the Daily Bugle office]
Green Goblin: [grabbing Jameson by the throat] Jameson you slime! Who's the photographer who takes pictures of Spider-Man?
J. Jonah Jameson: I don't know who he is! His stuff comes in the mail!
Green Goblin: YOU'RE LYING!
J. Jonah Jameson: I swear!
Green Goblin: He's the one who can take me to him!
J. Jonah Jameson: I don't know who he is!
Green Goblin: [preparing to punch Jameson] You are useless you...!
Spider-Man: [appears upside-down outside the window] Settle down, tough guy.
Green Goblin: [drops Jameson and turns around on the glider] Speak of the Devil!

Mary Jane: Who are you?
Spider-Man: You know who I am.
Mary Jane: I do?
Spider-Man: Your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.

Green Goblin: [to Spider-Man] You and I are not so different.
Spider-Man: I'm not like you. You're a murderer.
Green Goblin: Well... to each his own.

[trying to learn how to shoot a web]
Spider-Man: Go web! Fly! Up, up, and away web! Shazaam! Go! Go! Go web go! Tally ho.

[to J. Jonah Jameson]
Spider-Man: Hey, kiddo. Let Mom and Dad talk for a minute, will ya?

Bonesaw McGraw: What're ya doin' up there?
Spider-Man: Staying away from you. That's a cute outfit. Did your husband give it to you?

Green Goblin: Spider-Man. This is why only fools are heroes - because you never know when some lunatic will come along with a sadistic choice. Let die the woman you love... or suffer the little children? Make your choice, Spider-Man, and see how a hero is rewarded!
Spider-Man: Don't do it Goblin!
Green Goblin: We are who we choose to be... now, *choose*!

Spider-Man: [referring to the Green Goblin] Whatever it is, somebody has to stop it...

[In the burning building]
Green Goblin: You're pathetically predictable, like a moth to the flame. What about my generous proposal? Are you in or are you out?
Spider-Man: It's you who's out, Gobbie. Out of your mind.
Green Goblin: Wrong answer.

Mary Jane: You're amazing.
Spider-Man: Some people don't think so...
Mary Jane: But you are.
Spider-Man: Nice to have a fan...

Cop at Fire: [at a burning building, a cop approaches Spider-Man] Hold it right here, you're under arrest! I'm taking you in!
Young Lady at Fire: [a scream is heard in the building] There's somebody still up there!
Spider-Man: I'm going.
Cop at Fire: I'll be here when you get back.
Spider-Man: Not coming back, chief.


Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions (2010) (VG)
Guard: Bravo, Spider-Man is on the underside of your choppa.
Amazing Spider-Man: That's my time to boogie. Thanks for the ride, guys.

Amazing Spider-Man: I need your help with something
Construction worker: It's not dangerous is it?
Amazing Spider-Man: No... not really.

Amazing Spider-Man: Some guys never learn... And, er, speaking of learning, you should learn how to count. Something tells me you're outnumbered.
[Spider-Man throws Mysterio to the other versions of himself]
Amazing Spider-Man: Gentlemen...
Noir Spider-Man: I really hate this fella.
[Noir Spider-Man hits Mysterio]
Ultimate Spider Man: Aw, come on, he's a blast to kick in the face.
[Ultimate Spider-Man hits Mysterio with a spinning kick to his face]
2099 Spider-Man: Pal, you got...
[Spider-Man 2099 hits Mysterio with an uppercut]
2099 Spider-Man: SHOCKED!

Mysterio: Ahh, the Tablet of Order and Chaos, selling you to the highest bidder on the black market will make me a mint.
Amazing Spider-Man: Good, you could use a mint. Ugh, I can smell your breath from here.
Mysterio: [shouts] Spider-Man?
Amazing Spider-Man: Wait, how would you eat a mint through that fishbowl?

[last lines]
Madame Web: Thank you spider-man. You should be proud to know your legacy is being upheld across time and space
Amazing Spider-Man: Yeah those guys were alright but you have to admit...
Noir Spider-Man: with four different spider-men...
Ultimate Spider Man: one thing I know for sure...
2099 Spider-Man: out of all of them...
Amazing Spider-Man: [all say in unison] I'M THE BEST!

Ultimate Deadpool: Oh, I just remembered, I have to... uh... floss.
Ultimate Spider Man: Ah, don't run away like a sniveling coward just because I was whipping your heinie.
Ultimate Deadpool: I'm not running away! I'm just going to find a dictionary so I can look up "sniveling"! Sniveling.
[Deadpool laughs]
Ultimate Deadpool: Heinie.

Ultimate Deadpool: Listen, Webby, I can't have you swinging around in your footy pajamas, destroying my cameras. You're going to have to tangle with my ARMY! And by army, I mean production assistants, and by production assistants, I mean unpaid interns, and by unpaid interns I mean fans. You're going to have to tangle with my FANS!
Ultimate Spider Man: Lamest. Supervillain. Ever.

Ultimate Spider Man: You want it? *activates rage mode* YOU GOT IT!

2099 Spider-Man: Come on! You started the hotdog eating contest without me?

Noir Spider-Man: Level with me, Toomes, were you always this wrong in the head?

Goon: Spider-Man, we've been waiting.
Noir Spider-Man: [knocking Goon out] Sorry. Traffic sucked.

Noir Spider-Man: Nighty Nite, don't let the bedbugs bite.
[knocks a Goon out]

Noir Spider-Man: Say Uncle!
[kicks a goon and knocks him out]


Captain America: Civil War (2016)
Spider-Man: [to Bucky] You have a metal arm? That is AWESOME, dude!

Tony Stark: All right, I've run out of patience. "Underoos!"
[webbing comes down, grabs Cap's shield and cuffs his hands. Spider-Man lands on a nearby truck holding Cap's shield]
Tony Stark: Nice job, kid!
Spider-Man: Thanks! Well, I could have stuck the landing a little better. It's just, new suit... wait, it's nothing, Mr. Stark. It's... it's perfect, thank you.
Tony Stark: Yeah, we don't really need to start a conversation.
Spider-Man: Okay.
[salutes]
Spider-Man: Cap... Captain? Big fan. Spider-Man.
Tony Stark: Yeah, we'll talk about it later. Just...
Spider-Man: [waves] Hey, everyone.
Tony Stark: Good job.

Spider-Man: Hey guys, you ever see that really old movie, Empire Strikes Back?
War Machine: Jesus, Tony, how old is this guy?
Iron Man: I don't know, I didn't carbon date him. He's on the young side.

Spider-Man: [reacting to Ant-Man growing] HOLY SHIT!

Spider-Man: [while fighting Falcon] You have the right to remain silent!

Spider-Man: [after taking down the Falcon and webbing him up] Are those carbon fiber wings?
Falcon: Is this stuff coming out of you?

Spider-Man: [when the two teams start running towards each other] They're not stopping!

Falcon: [after being trapped by Spider-Man] I don't know if you've been in a fight before, but there's usually not this much talking.
Spider-Man: All right, sorry. My bad.

Captain America: You got heart, kid. Where are you from?
Spider-Man: [straining] Queens!
Captain America: [chuckles in mild disbelief] Brooklyn!

Spider-Man: [referring to Captain America's shield] That thing doesn't obey the laws of physics at all!

Spider-Man: [after taking down Giant-Man] Whoa, no, I'm not done, I've gotta get him back!
Iron Man: You're going home, or I'm calling Aunt May! You're DONE!
[exits]
Spider-Man: Wait, Mr. Stark! I'm not done, I'm not...
[tries to get up; collapses]
Spider-Man: [sighs] Okay, I'm done.

Tony Stark: [referring to Spiderman's secret identity] Who else knows, anybody?
Spider-Man: Nobody.
Tony Stark: Not even your unusualy attractive aunt.

Captain America: All right, Sam. What's the play?
Falcon: We need a diversion. Something big.
Ant-Man: I got something kinda big. But I can't hold it very long. On my signal, run like hell. And if I tear myself in half, don't come back for me.
Bucky Barnes: He's gonna tear himself in half?
Captain America: You sure about this, Scott?
Ant-Man: I do it all the time. I mean, once. In a lab. Then I passed out. I'm the boss, I'm the boss, I'm the boss. I'm the boss!
Spider-Man: [Ant-Man becomes giant] Holy shit!
War Machine: [Ant-Man laughs and grabs War Machine] Okay, tiny dude is big now. He's big now.
Captain America: I guess that's the signal.
Falcon: Way to go, Tic Tac!
Iron Man: Give me back my Rhodey.


"Ultimate Spider-Man: Ultimate Deadpool (#2.16)" (2013)
Deadpool: Ugh, anybody smell barbecue bug?
Spider-Man: It's been kind of a rough day.
Deadpool: Extremely ripe! Yeesh. Here. Strong enough for man, but made for a spider.

Deadpool: Ah, you're comedy gold my friend. Or as comedy oatmeal. As for me, you already know, I'm Deadpool. Superhero supreme with a side of bam. Nice to see you kept my color scheme when you copied my suit. Am I, like, your idol?
Spider-Man: I never heard of you. I designed this costume myself.
Deadpool: Sure. Black and white eyes. Red suit. Though you made it your own with the crossword theme. Oh, wait. Webs! Those are webs. No pouches though. You need pouches.

Deadpool: Word is that Fury left his S.H.I.E.L.D. tablet in a hotel bathroom. So you can see why he'd want to be discreet. Now, see I agreed to help even though Fury and me don't always see eye to eye. Now, do you get that? Eye to eye? Eye to eye! Hm, get it?
Spider-Man: Yeah, I do eye jokes too.

Spider-Man: You've got to be kidding me. You have your own private jet?
Deadpool: Yep. It was a present from one Tony Stark.
Spider-Man: He never gave me a jet. Seriously, from one super dude to another, what's your secret?
Deadpool: Origin story time!

Deadpool: Oh, shiny. What is that?
Spider-Man: You see my spidey-sense? It's this thing in my brain that warns me of danger.
Deadpool: I'll give you a thousand bucks for your brain.

Spider-Man: I'm starting to re-think this little field trip. Just tell me what your plan is.
Deadpool: We go into that compound, find Agent MacGuffin, snag the list, then un-alive Taskmaster and his acolytes, capiche?
Spider-Man: Wait, un-alive them?
Deadpool: Yeah, yeah here's the thing, I can't really say the k-word out loud. It's a weird mental tick. But we're gonna destroy them, make them disappear, sleep them with the fishes. We'll k-word them.
Spider-Man: K-word? You mean you want to kill them?
Deadpool: Whoa, yeah, that does sound bad when you say it out loud. And yes, we're going to un-alive them.
Spider-Man: We can't un-alive them. We can't un-alive anyone. Deadpool!

Taskmaster: Spider-Man. Nice of you to finally visit my school. Unfortunately I'm no longer accepting applicants.
Spider-Man: We've come for the list of S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, Taskmaster. And for Agent MacGuffin.
Taskmaster: We who?
Spider-Man: Me and Dead... Deadpool!
Taskmaster: Deadpool is here? What?
Deadpool: Boogity-boo! Did you miss me?
Taskmaster: You. You're out of your mind to come here. I will destroy you.

Deadpool: Wait, let me guess. You're Aaron Applebaum. Aaron Astin. Aaron Atwater!
Spider-Man: Are you just going to keep yelling names from A to Z until you guess?
Deadpool: No. Barry Barrington!
Spider-Man: You're not well.
Deadpool: I know.

Taskmaster: Oh, Spider-Man. If you'd studied with me instead of Fury you might not be so naive. Who do think I stole the identity list from in the fist place?
Spider-Man: Agent MacGuffin?
Deadpool: Heh. Confession time. Yeah, it was me.
Spider-Man: You?
Deadpool: And there is no Agent MacGuffin. And also I stole the list from S.H.I.E.L.D., but Taskmaster swiped it from me when I left my pouches in the potty.
Spider-Man: What?
Deadpool: Dude, couldn't help it. I had Indian food. My legs went numb I was in there so long.

Deadpool: No, piranhas! They're so bitey. Oh that's so much funnier when it happens to someone else.
Spider-Man: Booby traps.
Deadpool: You said, "traps."

Deadpool: They should call you "elevator operator" 'cause you're bringing me down. Or "tonsils" 'cause you're a pain in the neck. Ba-boosh!
Spider-Man: Lame. Next you'll be telling me to "go soak my head."
Deadpool: Ah, what a swellegant idea. But it'll look a lot funnier in my imagination.
Spider-Man: What?
Deadpool: Spider-Man, go soak your head.

Deadpool: Have I told you my origin story?
Spider-Man: Like a billion times, now. How about telling me the truth?
Deadpool: You can't handle the truth.
Spider-Man: Really?


"The Angry Video Game Nerd: Spider-Man (#2.7)" (2007)
Spider-Man: This game sucks my spider balls!

The Angry Video Game Nerd: Don't worry, Spider-Man, its only a game. Here, have a beer.
Spider-Man: I don't want this corporate bullshit.
The Angry Video Game Nerd: Its Rolling Rock.
Spider-Man: [pours it out] Its Shit Rock. Stick to the local brew.

The Angry Video Game Nerd: I wish Spider-Man would deliver my pizzas everyday.
Spider-Man: I'm gonna fucking shove a pizza up your fuckin' ass.

Spider-Man: Alright this guy's fucking impossible. Get over here, you fucking son of a bitch!
[character dies]
Spider-Man: What the fuck is wrong with these game designers? They don't know what the fuck they're doing. I can't believe they did this to me. They made a game out of me and its fucking shit! It's horrible!

The Angry Video Game Nerd: There's a suicide button on the controller! What the fuck?
Spider-Man: What do you expect? You're fucking jumping while you're trying to hang on to a building.

Spider-Man: But is it necessary to kill him? In all honesty, do we have to kill everybody we see?

Spider-Man: Alright, goddammit! There's nothing over here, what the fuck's the point of this?

The Angry Video Game Nerd: Alright, well here's the first level of the game. You have to deliver pizzas.
Spider-Man: They put that in the video game?
The Angry Video Game Nerd: That's pretty weird, you delivered pizzas before, right?
Spider-Man: No, no. I never did that.
The Angry Video Game Nerd: Yeah, you did. In the movie Spider-Man 2...
Spider-Man: I did that at one point, but I don't want people fucking knowing about that.

The Angry Video Game Nerd: You ever have to break a window to deliver a pizza?
Spider-Man: Well not on PURPOSE.

The Angry Video Game Nerd: Oh, you died.
Spider-Man: Well you're talking to me.

Spider-Man: See, now you're being Spider-Man.
The Angry Video Game Nerd: [player is killed] Shit.
Spider-Man: Now you're fucking being dead.


The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014)
Gwen Stacy: I'm coming with you.
Spider-Man: Gwen, you're not coming with me.
Gwen Stacy: Yes, I am.
Spider-Man: Gwen, it's too dangerous.
Gwen Stacy: I'm coming with you. I've seen the grid specs and I know how to reset the entire system.
Spider-Man: Gwen.
Gwen Stacy: I'm coming with you! You need me!
Spider-Man: Okay, shut up. You're coming with me! Shut the thing.
[webs her wrist to the hood of a police car]
Spider-Man: [swinging away] Sorry. I love you. Don't hate me.
Gwen Stacy: PETER!
[covers her mouth]

[from trailer]
Spider-Man: Yo, Sparkles!
Electro: You don't remember me?
Spider-Man: Of course I remember you! You're my eyes and ears! Uhh, what's your name again? Uhh, do I know it? I know it! Don't tell me...
Electro: It's Max.
Spider-Man: Is it Max?
Electro: Yes.
[Gwen stares in disbelief]
Electro: How could you forget me?
Electro: [furious] YOU LIED TO ME!
Spider-Man: No, no, I'm trying to help you! Let me help you!
[Electro sends a bolt at him, knocking him into a police car]

Spider-Man: You okay? You all right?
Max Dillon: You're Spider-Man.
Spider-Man: Costume gives it away, huh? These look pretty important, Max.
Max Dillon: How do you know my name?
Spider-Man: It's written on your badge.
Max Dillon: I'm a nobody.
Spider-Man: Hey, you're not a nobody. You're a somebody.

Aleksei Sytsevich: [waves his rhino suit's metal fists] You fight me! You fight me now!
Spider-Man: You want me to come down there so you can kill me?
Aleksei Sytsevich: Yes!
Spider-Man: Okay, I'll be right there.

[last lines]
Spider-Man: There really is no place like home.

Spider-Man: On behalf of the fine people of New York and real rhinos everywhere, I ask you to put your mechanized paws in the air!
Aleksei Sytsevich: Never! I crush you, I kill you! I destroy you!

Electro: You're too late, Spider-Man. I designed this power grid. Now I'm gonna take back what is rightfully mine. I will control everything. And I will be like a god to them.
Spider-Man: A god named Sparkles?

Green Goblin: Peter. When you said Spider-Man said no, you meant *you* said no.
Spider-Man: Harry, what did you do?
Green Goblin: What you made me do. You were my friend and you BETRAYED ME!
Spider-Man: No. I was trying to protect you.
Green Goblin: Oh. Look at me.
Spider-Man: Hey, it's gonna be okay. This is gonna be all right.
Green Goblin: You don't give people hope. You take it away.
Spider-Man: No, Harry.
Green Goblin: I'm gonna take away yours.
Spider-Man: No. Gwen, run!

Spider-Man: [to Aleksei] Knock, knock. Mr. Criminal? Hey, my name is Spider-Man. You can call me Web-Head, you can call me Amazing, just don't call me late for dinner. You get it?

Spider-Man: [after saving a police officer from getting hit by his car] I'm glad you're not one of those cops who rides a horse.

Gwen Stacy: [after magnetizing Spider-Man's web shooters] And that is why you were number two at Midtown.
Spider-Man: Rub it in. Okay.


Spider-Man 3 (2007)
Spider-Man: It's time to pay, Marko!

Spider-Man: You came.
New Goblin: Looks like just in the nick of time.
Spider-Man: A couple of minutes ago wouldn't have been so bad either.
New Goblin: [Smiles] What are you gonna do?

Mary Jane Watson: [Peter jumps up to save Mary Jane] Peter. They're gonna kill us both.
Spider-Man: I'm gonna get you out of this.

Eddie Brock: Hey. I'm the new guy.
Spider-Man: New guy?
Eddie Brock: From now on, I am gonna be taking shots of you for the Bugle. So smile. Are you smiling? Just kidding.
Spider-Man: They got a guy.
Eddie Brock: Who, Parker? Um, yeah, look, just between you and me, guys kind of an amateur. Have you noticed his stuff makes you a little bloated? Just - Yeah, a little chunky.
Spider-Man: Okay.
Eddie Brock: But you don't have to worry about that, buddy.

Spider-Man: [both at top speed on the New Goblin's Sky Stick] This thing got any more?
New Goblin: Hang on!
Spider-Man: To what?

Spider-Man: Shazam!

Spider-Man: [back-to-back with the New Goblin facing Venom] I could use some help over here!
New Goblin: [facing the giant Sandman] I'm a little busy right now!

Flint Marko: I don't want to hurt you. Leave now.
Spider-Man: [chuckles] I guess you haven't heard. I'm the sheriff around these parts!

Spider-Man: [surprising the Sandman] Flint Marko.
Spider-Man: [angrily] Remember Ben Parker? The old man you shot down in cold blood?
Flint Marko: What does it matter to you, anyway?
Spider-Man: [as subway car passes by loudly and blares its horn] Everything!

Eddie Brock: [as Black Suited Spider-Man gets ready to plunge into the sewer and pursue Sandman] Whoa. Buddy, love the new outfit. This is exactly what I need to scoop Parker. Gimme - Give me some of that web action.
Spider-Man: [slings a string of web, grabs Eddie's camera and slams it against the wall breaking it] See ya, chump.
Eddie Brock: [shouts at Spider- man who is already jumped down the sewer] What the hell?


"Ultimate Spider-Man: The Spider-Verse: Part 4 (#3.12)" (2015)
J. Jonah Jameson: Hey! Get off!
Spider-Man: I'm home!
[kisses the digital billboard]
J. Jonah Jameson: Ugh! Stop that, you wall-crawling weirdo!
Spider-Man: Sorry to kiss and run J.J., but I've got Goblin-sized trouble!

Green Goblin: I went to other worlds to bring Spider-Man D.N.A. And along the way, I discovered Spider-Man's identity. It surprised me at first. But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. It was obvious. You and my son. Always there. Always in my way!
Spider-Man: So you figured out my identity. Congrats. But I've handled everything you've thrown at me, Gobby. I can handle this, too.

Green Goblin: No quips or jokes? Where's your sense of humor, Peter?
Spider-Man: Don't worry, Gobby. I'm laughing on the inside.

Green Goblin: What about your friends, Peter? Should I visit them, too? I know where Harry Osborn lives, could you protect him as well?
Spider-Man: You wouldn't harm your own son, Norman. You love your son.
Green Goblin: Norman? What are you talking about? I am the Goblin! Love? Love is a weakness. Goblin has no weaknesses. Because Goblin loves NO ONE!

Spider-Goblin: Spiders from other worlds? Here?
Spider-Man: What's more fun than one friendly neighborhood Spider-Man? How about seven!
Spider-Ham: Seven Spideys. Tell me there's a reasonable explanation for this.
Ultimate Spider-Man: A pig in a Spider-Man costume wanted a reasonable explanation. And it was the best day ever. Look at this.

Spider-Man Noir: What's our next move, Spider-Man?
Spider-Man: Goblin knows I'm Peter Parker. Electro has the power of the Siege Perilous. I- I don't know what to do anymore.
Spider-Girl: Hey, Spidey! Snap out of it!
Spider-Man 2099: Do you not remember what you did in our worlds? You made a difference. It's time to do it again, but in the here and now.
Spider-Man: But... but...
Spyder-Knight: But nothing? Thou art still Spider-Man!
Spider-Ham: Not gonna let you cry "wee wee wee" all the way home.

Spider-Man: Every wonder why super villains end up with a giant robot?
Ultimate Spider-Man: No. But it's always a good sign when you're going in the opposite direction of a screaming crowd.

Electro: You think you're funny, dontcha?
Spider-Man: I won't lie, I so crack myself up from time to time.

Spider-Ham: We Spideys maybe Amazing, Spectacular and Hamtastic. But you? You're the Ultimate Spider-Man.
Spider-Man: That was some pig.


"Ultimate Spider-Man: Agent Venom (#3.3)" (2014)
Spider-Man: Lookie here. My old bad-guy buddy, Scorpion. How's that hitting-people-with-your-butt thing goin' for ya?

Spider-Man: That's the last of it, doc. I declare this town 100% Venom free.
Dr. Curt Connors: Better take this, just in case your math is off.
Spider-Man: My math is off? The odds of my math being off are 40 to... I mean 20 to... Wait, wait. Let me start again.

Spider-Man: Yes, apparently I have fans now.
Nick Fury: Give it time. It'll pass. Then things will get back to normal.
Spider-Man: Normal? I'm the Ultimate Spider-Man. What part of this is normal?

Flash Thompson: I don't believe it. This is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me!
Spider-Man: No, it's not. That symbiote is pure evil. It'll corrupt you until you're nothing but rage and venom!
Flash Thompson: I've been you're biggest fan forever, Spidey. And look at me now! I can be just like you. A hero!
Spider-Man: Give up the symbiote, Flash.
Flash Thompson: But it's mine!

Agent Venom: I don't want to hurt you. But if I have to, I will.
Spider-Man: Now, there's the old Venom I knew and hated. The Venom threatening to hurt me. The Venom who hated getting zapped!
Agent Venom: Ain't like your old Venom. I'm different.
Spider-Man: You sure? Because you both have the same bad attitude.

Taskmaster: I planned to take care of you some other day. But no day like today!
Spider-Man: Hey, I recognize those fighting styles. Uh, let me guess. Self-defense for grandma?

Spider-Man: Nice glow stick, Tasky. Do you direct air traffic with that thing?

Agent Venom: I just realized. This is our first official team-up.
Spider-Man: This not a team-up, Flash! Uh, but keep doin' what you're doin'.
Agent Venom: So basically, a team-up.

Spider-Man: Flash? You still in there?
Agent Venom: Of course, I'm here. Where would I be?
Spider-Man: When the symbiote takes your body, it takes your mind too. But somehow, you're managing to control it. Um... I'm impressed.
Agent Venom: I'm impressed too, Spidey. I mean, I had no idea how hard this was. Being a hero is no joke.
Spider-Man: If you're my biggest fan, if you still think of me as a hero, give it up. Quit being Venom.
Agent Venom: Okay.


The Amazing Spider-Man (2012)
Spider-Man: Ahem. You know, in the future, if you're going to steal cars, don't dress like a car thief, man.
Car Thief: Who are you? Are you a cop?
Spider-Man: Really? You seriously think I'm a cop? Cop in a skin-tight red and blue suit?

Spider-Man: Is that a knife? Is that a real knife?
Car Thief: Yes, it's a real knife.
Spider-Man: My weakness. Small knives. Anything but knives!

Car Thief Cop: Freeze! You in the tights, don't move!
Spider-Man: You serious?
Car Thief Cop: Who are you?
Spider-Man: No one seems to grasp the concept of the mask.
[Peter walks towards cop]
Car Thief Cop: Freeze!
[starts shooting]
Spider-Man: [dodges] I just did 80% of your job. Huh? And that - Is that how you repay me?
[throws cop's gun under car]

Jack's Father: Who are you?
Spider-Man: Spider-Man.

Spider-Man: Uh-oh. Somebody's been a bad lizard.

Spider-Man: I'm gonna throw you out the window now.
Gwen Stacy: What?

Spider-Man: [while The Lizard is slamming him against the walls] Don't... make me... have to... hurt you!

Gwen Stacy: [Answering phone] Hi.
Spider-Man: Hey, where are you?
Gwen Stacy: Peter, hi. I'm at Oscorp.
Spider-Man: You have to get out of there right now. Ok?
Gwen Stacy: The antidote is cooking.
Spider-Man: No, no, no. Connors is on the way. He's coming to you right now.
[spoiler]
Spider-Man: He needs the dispersement device. He's gonna infect the while city!
[/spoiler]
Gwen Stacy: There's eight minutes left.
Spider-Man: You're gonna wait there for eight minutes after what I just told you? People are gonna die! You leave right now. That is an order, ok?
Gwen Stacy: I'm gonna get everybody out.
[Hangs up]
Spider-Man: Did you hear wh-
[Gwen hangs up]
Spider-Man: Gwen! Gwen! You Mother Hubbard. Are you serious?

Spider-Man: You motherhubbard!


"Ultimate Spider-Man: Double Agent Venom (#4.6)" (2016)
Spider-Man: A door trap? An evil laugh? Oh, don't tell.
Kraven the Hunter: That's right, Spider-Man. Where you have been hunting for your comrade... Kraven has been hunting you.
Spider-Man: Just once I want someone to step out of the shadows who doesn't want to destroy me.

Spider-Man: You booby trapped the roof, too? How much free time do you have?
Kraven the Hunter: The desperate lowing of wounded prey.

Spider-Man: Not even a "Hail Hydra" first? Well, at least you guys can't hit the broad side of a Tri-Carrier.

Scarlet Spider: You came after me.
Spider-Man: You make that sound like a bad thing. Friends rescue friends, remember?
Scarlet Spider: Great. Here comes the important life lesson.
Spider-Man: Did I mention friends keep each other alive, too?
Scarlet Spider: Yeah. I can't promise that.

Scarlet Spider: If you were trying to convince me the value of friendship, you totally failed.
Spider-Man: Geez, what did your old buddies do to you? Everybody values friendship.

Spider-Man: [sees a venomized Kraven] There's something about you, Kraven. New haircut?
Scarlet Spider: Kraven hates your jokes, too.

Scarlet Spider: You're lucky. This place is empty.
Spider-Man: Oh, so is that what this slightly nauseating feeling is? Luck?
Scarlet Spider: Do you ever stop joking? Your buddy Flash just tried to handshake that Venom-Kraven-lion thing.
Spider-Man: I'm going with Kravenom. But it's just a working name.

Spider-Man: Kraven, hey! Now that you're Venomed up, would you be interested in joining the Web-Warriors? Guess it can hurt to ask.

Agent Venom: Scarlet, where are you going? You guys got some loyalty issues, Spidey?
Spider-Man: It's kind of a thing with him.


Marvel: Ultimate Alliance (2006) (VG)
Deadpool: Hey, did I enter the side show tent? 'Cause you look like the dog faced boy.
Dark Spider-Man: Oh, you are a wit, Deadpool... or at least half of one. Tell me, do the chicks go for your insane babble?
Deadpool: About as much as they go for your attempts at self-deprecating humor.
Dark Spider-Man: So then it doesn't work.

Spider-Man: [about Wolverine] That dude scares me.

Spider-Man: Man, S.H.I.E.L.D. is the coolest! They have flying aircraft carriers, bases on wheels, tell me you guys have a tunnel going from New York to Tokyo?

Spider-Man: Hey, Cap, looks like you...
[Captain America quickly dispatches a group of robots]
Spider-Man: could use some help...

Spider-Man: [low on health] Your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man could use some help!

Spider-Man: [thinking Doom killed him] Where am I? Am I dead? Then why does heaven smell like a wet dog?
Spider-Man: [turns his head, sees Wolverine] Never mind...

Spider-Man: Next time, I wanna fight someone that doesn't smell like old cheese.

Captain America: Thor, take care of those gunships. Spider-Man, drive them towards the stern.
Spider-Man: Sure thing. I just love being the target.
Captain America: Wolverine...
Wolverine: Stow it boy scout, I don't take orders from you.

Spider-Man: [leveling up] This is better than a spider bite!


Spider-Man: Web of Shadows (2008) (VG)
Spider-Man: So what do you think of the new duds?
Wolverine: This some kinda damn Super Hero fashion show? 'Cause I got some orange and brown tights that put you to shame.

Spider-Man: Why does everybody talk crap about the costume? It's a classic! It's Iconic!
Luke Cage: I was unaware one of iconic's definitions was; 'ugly as hell'.

Moon Knight: Khonshu guides me. Allows me to exact vengeance on those deserving.
Spider-Man: Interesting. In a totally... you know... psychotic kind of way.

Spider-Man: By heavy do you mean "serious" like in; ''oh that's heavy bro'', or heavy as in possessing a large mass... like a fat guy?
Luke Cage: Does that even matter?... Both OK?
Spider-Man: OK, so I guess I should go knock them down to size huh?

Luke Cage: A man dressed like you are right now don't get to talk about how i USED to dress
Spider-Man: Still you wore a tiara.
Luke Cage: It was a head band. A head... band.

Spider-Man: [talking about the black suit] So, you don't like the new me?
Wolverine: First off, ya smell like death. Second, you like like one of those emo kiddies they got all over the internet, jabbering on about how hard their life is when they've never known true pain.
Spider-Man: Oh my, God. You have a MyFace page. Don't you? DORK!
Wolverine: I do not!
Spider-Man: Hah! You totally do!
Wolverine: Shut up, kid!
Spider-Man: Will you add me as a friend? I'll poke you and you poke me back!
Wolverine: I SAID SHUT UP!

Wolverine: This city is really starting to stink!
Spider-Man: In the middle of all this you're complaining about odors?
Wolverine: I'm talking about how many of these freaks I'm smelling

Spider-Man: I get attacked, then shot at! How fair is that?


"Ultimate Spider-Man: The Spider-Verse: Part 3 (#3.11)" (2015)
Spider-Man: Wait, aren't witches girls? Heh, technically I'd be a warlock, right?
Villager: He's a warlord. He confessed.

Spyder-Knight: By Merlin, either thou training to be my squire, or thou art the town fool.
Spider-Man: You're the Spider-Man of this world. I'm you from another universe.
Spyder-Knight: Town fool, it is.

Spyder-Knight: Town fool, come hence if thou value your life.
Spider-Man: I do value my life. The name's not fool, it's Spider-Man. And you're in danger.
Spyder-Knight: Spider-Man? 'Tis a worse name than fool.

Spider-Man: Listen, this is complicated and not going to make a lot of sense, but I'm from a parallel world.
Ultimate Spider-Man: Makes total sense. So you chase the Goblin from your world to this one, and since he's Goblin, he's probably after my D.N.A.

Ultimate Green Goblin: Ah, there you are.
Ultimate Spider-Man: Hey, don't get offended, but I'm pretty sure my Goblin's scarier than your Goblin.
Spider-Man: No offense taken.

Spider-Man: I think I broke my everything bone.

Ultimate Spider-Man: Go. Don't worry. I'll try to be the best Peter Parker Spider-Man I can be.
Spider-Man: You don't have to be Peter Parker to be Spider-Man. Miles Morales is just fine.

Green Goblin: Easy pickings. A small Spider-Man.
Ultimate Spider-Man: Did you call me small? What happened to you? Is it the super villain diet? 'Cause I remember when you were big scary and stuff?
Green Goblin: You want to see scary?


"Hulk and the Agents of S.M.A.S.H.: The Venom Within (#1.14)" (2013)
Spider-Man: Oh. Well, I can bust up stuff, too. Check this out.
[punches a bell]
Spider-Man: Ow, ow, ow.
A-Bomb: If you want to smash, you got to learn from the pros as a guest smasher on my web show!
Spider-Man: Heh. No thanks. I'm a camera shy kind of guy. And I know smashing plus spiders equals bad.

Red Hulk: So what exactly is a Venom, anyway?
A-Bomb: Definitely some kind of blobby alien. Probably hitched a ride on a meteor.
Spider-Man: If only. Picture a blob of murderous goo that can possess anyone it touches. No fun.
She-Hulk: How do you know so much about this thing?
Spider-Man: Heh. Funny story. Or long awful story. It was kind of created from my blood.

Doctor Octopus: Gamma Venom, let's give it a mission shall we? Venom, devour Spider-man.
Spider-Man: Um, devour? Couldn't you just trash talk me on the Internet?

She-Hulk: Okay, we need a new plan!
Red Hulk: If we could just slow it down.
A-Bomb: That's it. In the movies they always freeze the hideous man-eating slime.
Spider-Man: Wait a second. You're actually thinking without using your fists?
A-Bomb: Yeah, well, today hasn't been the best for knuckle sandwiches.

A-Bomb: Spidey, what if this stuff ices Hulk, too?
Spider-Man: Probably can't freeze him solid.
A-Bomb: Probably? It'll be fine, trust me.
Spider-Man: I'm a science nerd. I'm usually right.
A-Bomb: Usually?
Spider-Man: Will you just drive!

Spider-Man: You'll never win friends with that attitude.
Hulk: Less talk, more smash!
Spider-Man: How many times do I have to say it? No habla El smasho. Ixnay on the ashingsmay. Nein on the smashing.
Hulk: Hey, I do more than smash. It's just my go to, you know?

Spider-Man: Out of the way! Move it, people! Eighty foot Venom blob bomb on the loose!


"Spider-Man: Spider Wars, Chapter 2: Farewell Spider-Man (#5.13)" (1998)
Spider-Man: So we're all here for all reality. Okay? Spider-Men, we don't have much time. We better get going.
Octo Spider-Man: What about him? He doesn't have any powers.
Spider-Man Prime: Oh, hey, guys. Don't cut me out of this. This is the adventure of a lifetime.
Armored Spider-Man: No way.
Spider-Man: I'm sorry. But he's right. We can't endanger you.

Spider-Man: I don't believe what you're telling me. In your reality, I'm a character in fiction?
Spider-Man Prime: Yep, and I'm an actor who plays you on TV. And there's someone here I knew you have to meet. He's the man who created you for fans all over the world.

Stan Lee: You know, Spidey? I've always wanted to experience *real* web-slinging.
Spider-Man: And I've always wanted to be appreciated as a real hero.

Spider-Man: You know, for so long, I thought I never got any breaks. But now after all I've been through, for once I like my life. I like myself. And for the first time ever, I wouldn't want to change anything about me.
Stan Lee: Gee, you're definitely not the same guy I've been writing about all these years.
Spider-Man: Well, Stan, we all have to grow up sometimes, I suppose. Even us characters of fiction.
Madame Web: [appears in a portal] Spider-Man. It's time go.
Stan Lee: Who is that exotic lady?
Spider-Man: Oh, her? She's my ride. It's been great meeting you. Take care of yourself.
Stan Lee: You too, Spider-Man. Farewell and good luck.

Spider-Man: That Stan Lee's quite a guy!
Madame Web: I think he's truly special.

[last lines]
Madame Web: Face front, true believer. We're going to find the real Mary Jane Watson. It's been a long, hard journey and I think you're finally entitled to some happiness.
Spider-Man: Amen to that, dear lady. Amen to that.

Armored Spider-Man: What is he doing? Why isn't he with my girl?
Madame Web: Be quiet! He is using his head, something YOU may never learn to do!


"Phineas and Ferb: Phineas and Ferb: Mission Marvel (#4.13)" (2013)
[from trailer]
Nick Fury: The beam that hit you originated from the Tri-State Area.
[an image appears on screen of a satellite shaped like Phineas' head]
Spider-Man: Is that one of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s?
Nick Fury: No. It's theirs.
[Phineas and Ferb appear on the screen working on something]
Spider-Man: Man, that kid's got a weird-shaped head.

[from trailer]
Candace: You guys wanna read my fan-fiction?
Spider-Man: Sorry, but we're not allowed to read unsolicited material.

[from trailer]
Candace: [coming down the stairs] Alright, boys and girls, listen up, I'm in charge, so that means no shenanigans! Hey, Spider-Man. Duh-duh-duh-daaay?
Spider-Man: 'Sup?

[from trailer]
Spider-Man: Spider-Man smash!
[Spidey smashes through the roof of the Googolplex Mall while Linda is outside listening on her headphones oblivious]
Hulk: Was he makin' fun of me?
Thor: A little, yes.

[from trailer]
Candace: Yo, heroes, got a little somethin' for ya!
Spider-Man: *Some*body's been using their spider sense.
Candace: I learned from the best, Spidey!

Spider-Man: Aunt May! Phineas and Ferb are making a crossover!
Phineas: Yeah, we are!


"Ultimate Spider-Man: The Spider-Verse: Part 2 (#3.10)" (2015)
Spider-Man Noir: Why are you dressed like that? What are you, some kind of circus clown?
Spider-Man: My pal Nova might say yes.

Spider-Man: Talk about your not so friendly Spider-Man. I bet this world's version of Aunt May, is a real hoot.
Spider-Man Noir: Aunt May? I ain't seen her in years.
Spider-Man: Why?
[webs Spider-Man's feet to the ground]
Spider-Man: Hey!
Spider-Man Noir: Sometimes, the only way to protect someone is to leave them behind.
Spider-Man: Another note to self, don't turn into his jerk.

Spider-Man: Don't worry, folks. I saw Iron Man do this once.

Spider-Man: You're a pig.
Peter Porker: Very perceptive? And what are you under that mask? A monkey? 'Cause only a monkey would wear a suit that stupid.

Green Goblin: Ah, this world's version of Spider-Man. Nice. Very noir.
Spider-Man Noir: That's some outfit. Was the costume shop out of Santy Claus suits?


"Spider-Man Unlimited: One Is the Loneliest Number (#1.11)" (2001)
Spider-Man: Good thing I lost those machine men with my shortcut through the sewers. Not exactly hygienic, but effective.
Spider-Man: [closed caption's version of line] Good thing those recycled rejects couldn't fly through the sewers. Let's hope this is a case of better late than never.

Spider-Man: Great! Not only am I carting around my worst nightmare, it's leaking! Heeey, not on me!
Enforcer Robot: Bus 54: you will land immediately!
Spider-Man: The big guy here is dying too. Looks like I don't have a choice. I'll be your life support. Oh, this could be an even bigger mistake than telling Anna Watson I didn't want to be fixed up with Mary Jane.
Spider-Man: [back in the black costume] Oh yeah! I'd forgotten how *good* this symbiotic costume feels! Just stay out of my brain until I can get you back to Brock.
Spider-Man: [closed caption's version of previous line] I should be able to keep it alive, but it still needs Brock. I got to lose these bozos, and hope I get back to the clinic before the symbiote gets too comfy.

Spider-Man: A piece of Brock's symbiote! That thing nearly cost me my sanity the first time. No *way* I'm getting *near* it! It's so weak... like Brock. That thing *remembers* me. It's trying to tell me something. Okay, little guy. Oh man, I just *know* I'm gonna regret this.
Spider-Man: [closed caption's version of line] A piece of Brock's symbiote. After all I went through, the last thing I want is even to touch it. It's so weak, like Brock. The thing remembers me. What is it, boy? Timmy trapped in the well again?

Spider-Man: Buh-bye, Carny. Don't forget to write.
Spider-Man: [closed captions' version of line] Bye-bye. Always did love that express train.

Spider-Man: [thinking, flashing back] The first time I saw a symbiote was back on Earth, when John Jameson's shuttle crashed on the Brooklyn Bridge. Before I even knew what it was, the symbiote bonded with me. It flowed over me forming a kind of alien costume which gave me powers I never dreamed of. But then it started taking over my mind, slowly turning me into a monster. When I finally found its weakness I managed to free myself from the symbiote's control. It found an all-too-willing host in Eddie Brock. Brock became Venom. Because the symbiote bonded with me first, it knew my every move *and* my secret identity. It was the toughest fight of my life, but I finally beat him. The authorities took him to a happy place to make baskets all day, until he met his soon-to-be partner in slime, Carnage. Over the years, Brock's been completely subsumed by the symbiote. No telling what's happened to his mind in all this time. He might not even remember who I am.
Spider-Man: [closed caption's version of line] When I first found the symbiote on John Jameson's crashed space shuttle, I thought it was fantastic, and it was. Only one small problem - it started to take over my mind. When I rejected it, it bonded with Eddie Brock, and he became Venom. And since the symbiote and I were linked at a genetic level, Venom knew everything. Lucky for me, Brock never pumped any iron with his brain. I finally beat him. They took him to a happy place to make baskets all day. And he met his soon-to-be partner in slime - Carnage. Since he's been here, Brock's been completely subsumed by the symbiote. No telling what's happened to his mind in all this time. He might not even remember who I am.
Eddie Brock: Parker! *You* did this to me!
Eddie Brock: [closed caption's version of line] Parker, you did this to me!
Spider-Man: Hey, Brock, cool it! I'm trying to help ya, you big jerk! And I felt sorry for you? Venom's very existence threatens me and this entire planet! You're on your own, Eddie!
Spider-Man: [closed caption's version of line] Easy, Brockie, boy. We got to get you squared away. You've been through the mill. And I felt sorry for you. Venom's very existence threatens me and this entire planet. You're on your own, Eddie,
Spider-Man: [shakes off Brock and shoots off a web to leave, but turns back] But you're *not* Venom, are you. You're a human being. One who needs help. I know just where to get it.
Spider-Man: [closed caption's version of line] but you're not Venom, are you? You're a human being, and one in big trouble. All right. First thing's first, the man definitely needs a wardrobe makeover.


"Spider-Man: Spiderman Meets Skyboy (#2.17)" (1969)
[during his patrol of the city]
Spider-Man: Ho hum, nothing doing tonight, guess I can safely turn back and do some homework for a change.

[first sighting of Skyboy]
Spider-Man: Hey, what's that? Holy flying catfish! Another superhero... or I'm a hallucinating webhead!

[while chasing Skyboy]
Spider-Man: Great Golly-wockles! He can really fly! I wonder who he is. I don't recognize the costume at all. Hey you! What's the big idea of butting in on my turf!

[upon capturing both Spidey and Skyboy]
Dr. Zap: So, my little trap has netted two birds instead of one. How nice of you to drop in.
Spider-Man: Save the compliments. I didn't quite get the name on the invitation, but you must be ...
Dr. Zap: Dr. Zap, at your service.
[emits electricity by clapping his hands together]
Spider-Man: Hey, that's quite a trick, Doc, but I'd hate to have your electric bill. Now, how's about showing us the way out before I feed you a jaw full of fist!

[after rescuing Skyboy and his father]
Jan Caldwell: Gee, Spidey, I sure misjudged you. If it hadn't been for you, we'd be ? well ...
Spider-Man: Gosh, forget it, kid, my pleasure; but no more Skyboy stuff from now on, okay? One costumed crimefighter is plenty for this town.


Marvel Heroes (2013) (VG)
Spider-Man: [to Bullseye] What you expect? You named yourself after a target. Duh!

Spider-Man: Why don't you "stick around"?

Spider-Man: [to Cyclops] You know, Cyke, you wouldn't have so many dental problems if you didn't grind your teeth so much.

Spider-Man: [to Scarlet Witch] Your hexes, my Spidey-sense, Las Vegas. Whaddaya say?

Spider-Man: [to Gambit] Sorry. My aunt told never to gamble with strange mutants with accents.


"Spider-Man: Sins of the Fathers Chapter 1: Doctor Strange (#3.1)" (1996)
Doctor Strange: I must warn you. The odds against us returning alive are astronomical.
Spider-Man: Big deal. I've been through the Bronx. I'm ready.

Doctor Strange: You are a worthy ally in the battle against darkness. May the Vishanti watch over thee.
Spider-Man: And may your amulets never tickle.

Spider-Man: [on Dr Strange] He should take that act to vegas. All he needs is a couple of tigers!

Spider-Man: [sees Dr Strange open a forcefield] Remind me to call you if I ever lose my house key.


"Spider-Man: The Menace of Mysterio (#1.3)" (1967)
Mysterio: There is no limit to my powers!
Spider-Man: Tell that to your press agent!

Mysterio: Spider-Man, you have met your match.
Spider-Man: No false modesty, please.

Mysterio: You'll pay for this, Spider-Man, right now!
[Spider-Man punches Mysterio across the length of a bar counter]
Spider-Man: How's that for a down payment!

[Mysterio and Spidey fight on a closed movie set]
Director: That's not in the script.
Spider-Man: Then I'll just have to ad-lib.


Lego Marvel Super Heroes (2013) (VG)
Nick Fury: Thanks for your help, Spider-Man. There's always a place in this operation for a hero like you.
Spider-Man: Like I have time for that. I've got a trigonometry exam tomorrow, my aunt needs me to pick-up a dozen eggs, and I'm drowning in angst.

Iron Man: Don't tell me you got here on a really long spider line?
Spider-Man: Uh, no. You're not the only one that can fly. Compliments of Mr. Nick Fury and S.H.I.E.L.D.
Iron Man: You know, I could fit you with a rocket-propelled iron suit if you'd like.
Spider-Man: Sounds... heavy.

Magneto: You come to my lovely Asteroid M, but I don't get a house-warming gift?
Thor: I say thee... NAY!
Iron Man: Good luck magnetizing Thor's god-hammer. Oh, I've demagnetized my armor just for this occasion.
Spider-Man: I took a bath. That's all I did.

Loki: Finally, my vengeance will be realized on your pathetic planet! I will harness the power of Galactus! He will have the earth for breakfast and Asgard for lunch!
Spider-Man: Wow, he's gonna be pretty full. That's quite a lot of protein, even for a big guy.


"Spider-Woman: Pyramids of Terror (#1.1)" (1979)
Spider-Man: [having saved young Abdul by catching him in his web] Don't you know you're not allowed to fly without a pilot's license?

Spider-Man: Well, I'll be a wall-crawlin' web-head!

Spider-Man: Spider-Woman!
Spider-Woman: You were expecting maybe the Hulk?

Spider-Man: That fiendish Space-Mummy has turned everyone into spaced-out mummies. I've got to stop it!


"How It Should Have Ended: How Spider-Man 3 Should Have Ended (#1.18)" (2007)
[first lines]
Spider-Man: Hey! It's me, Peter Parker. Your friendly neighborhood... you know. I've come a long way after being bit by a spider. Before, nothing went right for me. Now, people really like me. I keep the city safe, I'm at the top of my class, and I'm even in love with the girl of my dream.
Little Boy: Spider-Man, will you stop narrating please.
Spider-Man: What?
Little Boy: You're narrating. It's kind of unnecessary.
Spider-Man: Unnecessary? But how are people gonna know what I've been up to all this time?
Little Boy: Spider-Man, we're not idiots. Just go and do your thing.
Spider-Man: Oh... well, alright then. But what if I need to tell the audience something about the...
Little Boy: No narrating!

Spider-Man: Wait, why do you have that scary Venom face if you're just gonna peel it back when you talk?
Venom: Because this way I get more face time.
Spider-Man: That's lame.
Venom: You're lame, and I'm gonna kill your girlfriend.
Spider-Man: Oh, there's a big surprise. Out of all the dastardly plots you could put together, you threaten my girlfriend. Just like every villain I've encountered.
Venom: Hey, if ain't broke, don't fix it.
Spider-Man: Seriously? You rush in here like you can take me? This is my third movie. Spider-Man Tres, amigo. You think they're gonna kill me off? No. Look, do you know of any movies where they kill the title character off at the end?
Venom: Donnie Darko. Old Yeller. Romeo and Juliet.

Spider-Man: I'm just saying, there's only one way this is gonna go down. It happens every time. We'll fight for a bit, you'll tear my mask, but in the end I'm just gonna leap out of the way and you're gonna do something that makes you kill yourself.
Venom: Or maybe I'm kill you and your girlfriend because I'm awesome and you met your match.


Marvel Nemesis: Rise of the Imperfects (2005) (VG)
Spider-Man: You know what we call that? We call that a web-slingin' ass kickin'.

Venom: [as Altered Venom] Prepare to die, Spider-Man!
Spider-Man: Bring it on!
Venom: Kyaaaa!

Spider-Man: Oh, this better be good. I don't have much time.


"Ultimate Spider-Man: The Spider-Verse: Part 1 (#3.9)" (2015)
Spider-Man: [to Spider-Man 2099] Talons on your hands and feet? I got an adamantium nail clipper if you wanna borrow it.

Spider-Man 2099: You're Spider-Man? Spider-Man is just a legend from the past that someone's trying to re-create - unsuccessfully.
Spider-Man: Are you dissing the threads? Oh come on! This is classic. Red and blue! What... did you say a legend?
Spider-Man 2099: You don't even know who you're pretending to be. It's all just a joke to you!

Spider-Girl: You can get all the power and tech upgrades that you want, Goblin. But you're never gonna beat Spider-Girl and her amazing friend.
Spider-Man: Once again! Not a sidekick!


"Spider-Man: The Vulture's Prey/The Dark Terrors (#1.16)" (1967)
[after Vulture gets away]
Spider-Man: I'll catch up with that bird-brain yet, and when I do, I'll clip his wings for good.

[after Vulture dropped dynamite which detonated near Spider-Man]
Spider-Man: That feathered fink sure lays a powerful egg.

[a kidnapped J.J. Jameson is tied to clock tower gears]
J. Jonah Jameson: It's about time you showed up! Get me down from here!
Spider-Man: Say "please".
J. Jonah Jameson: Don't be ridiculous! Get me down!
Spider-Man: Pleeeeease?
J. Jonah Jameson: If you don't let me down, I'll... I'll...
Spider-Man: [walking away] Okay, see you later!
J. Jonah Jameson: Wait, Spider-Man, don't leave me here!
Spider-Man: [faces him] Eh, what did you say?
J. Jonah Jameson: I said?
[gulp]
J. Jonah Jameson: ?please?


"Spider-Man: Kraven the Hunter (#1.7)" (1995)
J. Jonah Jameson: [on Robbie's answering machine] Robbie, where the heck are you? The airline says your plane let out hours ago. What happened to you?
Spider-Man: How does "I was kidnapped by a crazed big game hunter" grab ya JJ?

Spider-Man: [to Kraven, on his costume] Don't tell me, you're a Leo, right?

Spider-Man: Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the hero suppose to get the girl? I saved the city from Jungle Boy and I'll be lucky if Felicia or Mary Jane even speak to me again.


"The Spectacular Spider-Man: Interactions (#1.2)" (2008)
Spider-Man: [rushes forward using his powers] I could be in real trouble here. I'm not sure my spider powers can save me this time.
[school bell rings]
Spider-Man: Ah... You know what, just once, I'd like to be early for school.

Spider-Man: Hey, guys, I know it's not a cure, but how 'bout some chill pills?


"The Spectacular Spider-Man: Reaction (#1.8)" (2008)
Dr. Octopus: I will not be weak.
Norman Osborn: Otto, get up...
[Octavius grabs Osborn with one of his mechanical arms and flings him to the wall]
Dr. Octopus: Silence, you imperious moron!
Spider-Man: Whoa, there, slinky! Mr. Osborn here helped save your life!
Dr. Octopus: You!
[Octavius grabs Spider-man and does the same]
Spider-Man: For the record, I helped save your life too.
Dr. Octopus: Do not insult my intelligence, *hero*. You tracked me down and tried to destroy me! As I knew you would.
Spider-Man: Destroy you? Pal, I don't even know you.
Dr. Octopus: Oh, but I survived. And more to the point, I have improved. I am now one with my arms. oh, you failed, Spider-Man! and your failure has given me new life.
[Octavius releases Osborn]
Norman Osborn: Otto...
Dr. Octopus: Otto Octavius was weak. Call me... Doctor Octopus!

Spider-Man: Look, doc, you thought this through? The next Spider-Man who finds you under a pile of debris might view this as a cautionary tale.
Dr. Octopus: Glib does not equate with clever, Spider-Man.
Spider-Man: Yeah, well, the ration of arms to sanity hasn't exactly been established either.
Dr. Octopus: Do you ever shut up?
Spider-Man: Sorry, no. My fans expect a certain amout of quippage in every battle.


"Spider-Man: The Origin of Spiderman (#2.1)" (1968)
Spider-Man: Well, here goes. I hope I get the job. Of course, with my spider-powers, I could get all the money I'd ever need; but that wouldn't be honest. I'm a crime-fighter now. Gotta avenge Uncle Ben.

Spider-Man: Yes, Uncle Ben is dead, and in a sense it was really I who killed him. Because I didn't realize in time that with great power there must also always be great responsibility, but I know it now, and so long as I live, Spider-Man will never shirk his duty again. Robbers, killers, beware. Spider-Man is here.


"The Spectacular Spider-Man: Competition (#1.5)" (2008)
Spider-Man: Heheh. Good thing I refilled the web shooters. Oh, all webbed up and nowhere to go.
Sandman: Heh. Who do you think I am? Flint Marko?
[transforms himself into sand and slides through the web]

Sandman: It's over, Spider-Man. When you were the only one with powers, you had me beat. But now, King Sandman reigns supreme!
Spider-Man: Your majesty... Allow me to build a statue in your honor.
[releases cement on Sandman]


Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2 (2009) (VG)
Spider-Man: You just got your butt kicked by a guy in a goofy outfit.

Spider-Man: [after defeating an enemy] Would you call that amazing or spectacular?


"Spider-Man: Sky Harbor/The Big Brainwasher (#3.3)" (1970)
[after draining a water chamber with Spider-Man inside]
Winkler: Five minutes are up. He should be soggy enough by now. Even Spider-Man can't hold his breath for five minutes.
[finds Spider-Man has spun a water-tight web cocoon around himself]
Winkler: Hey! What gives?
Spider-Man: [bursts from web cocoon] Ahh, that's better. The air in there was getting a bit stale.
Winkler: Spider-Man! He ain't drowned!
Spider-Man: No! I ain't!
[Socks Winkler unconscious]

[after Spidey survives his water chamber]
Kingpin: Spider-Man? But, how did you ...
Spider-Man: Clean living, fats!


Spider-Man Unlimited (2014) (VG)
Spider-Man: All right, Gobby. You know the drill. Take off that mask and... Hey... did you get a new outfit? Blowout sale at the Bad Guy Longjohn Emporium?
Green Goblin: The worst part about every new dimension is hearing the same tired jokes over and over. When we're done gathering the ISO-8, we're going to shut your mouth for good!
Spider-Man: New dimension? ISO-8? Have you been sampling your granddad's cough medicine again?
Green Goblin: Playtime is over, webhead! The Sinister Six will make sure of it!

Spider-Man: Oh, boy. Either the sky just got its first case of acne, or something bad is happening...
Nick Fury: Spider-Man.
Spider-Man: Nick Fury? This can't be good.
Nick Fury: You got that right. That Green Goblin isn't the one you're familiar with. He's from a dimension where the Sinister Six has taken control and he's bring an army of villains with him!
Spider-Man: Why? Is all their pizza deep-dish?
Nick Fury: What? No! They've come to harvest a rare isotope called ISO-8 from our world. In exchange, they'll leave the gift of total destruction. The longer that portal stays open, the harder they'll be to stop.
Spider-Man: But you're here to give me the instruction manual so I can swing over and save the day, right?
Nick Fury: It isn't that simple. Our intelligence shows that the rift is being held open by one the of the members of the Sinister Six. The problem is, we don't know who it is or where they're hiding. You need to take them out one by one until we close this thing; otherwise, New York is gonna get some nasty new residents and I'm not talking about the hipsters!


"Spider-Man: The Terrible Triumph of Dr. Octopus/Magic Malice (#1.17)" (1967)
Dr. Octopus: I am the world's most unbeatable adversary.
Spider-Man: That makes one of you who thinks so, grapefruit-head!

Dr. Octopus: [Triumphantly, after tossing Spider-Man out a window] Now that I've gotten rid of that miserable insect--
Spider-Man: [Sticking to a wall] Tsk tsk,
[Sarcastically]
Spider-Man: Doc, you out of all people should know that spiders arn't insects!
Dr. Octopus: I'll exterminate you, yet!


"Spider-Man: Sins of the Fathers Chapter 12: The Spot (#3.10)" (1996)
Kingpin: I have been waiting for this moment for some time.
Spider-Man: What do you have in mind, a pie-eating contest?

Spider-Man: I hate to interrupt, but are you planning on stealing that really big bag of money there?
The Spot: Er, yes. Rather.


Spider-Man: Edge of Time (2011) (VG)
Amazing Spider-Man: Who are you?
Peter Parker: I'm the CEO of Alchemax. The real question is, who are you, old friend?
Amazing Spider-Man: Old friend? So this is where you make the big reveal and I say, "Holy cow! Norman Osborne, or the Kingpin, Jonah Jameson." Come on, please be Jameson.
Peter Parker: All of them long dead, I fear.

Amazing Spider-Man: It's... It's all back to normal.
Spider-Man 2099: The same here.
Amazing Spider-Man: Okay, but, if the timeline snapped back to normal, if none of it happened, how do you and I remember it? I mean we got two different set of memories in our brain. Shouldn't that, I don't know, make us crazy?
Spider-Man 2099: Crazy? We already dress in skin-tight costumes and fight bad guys for free.
Amazing Spider-Man: Okay, crazier.


Marvel vs. Capcom 3: Fate of Two Worlds (2011) (VG)
Felicia: Showtime!
Spider-Man: Hey, that's my schtick! You start spinning a web and I'll sue!

Ryu: Spiders. I hate spiders.
Spider-Man: You got a black belt in stupid if you think you can beat me.


"The Spectacular Spider-Man: Survival of the Fittest (#1.1)" (2008)
Norman Osborn: What are you babbling about? Put me down!
Spider-Man: Dude, you are the bossiest damsel in distress I have EVER rescued. Also the ugliest, heaviest, and the first!
Norman Osborn, Vulture: WHO ARE YOU!
Spider-Man: Why, I'm your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man, of course!

Flint Marko: [after Alex O'Hirn gets webbed up] Oh no, not again!
Spider-Man: Yep, again. What is this, Marko, the third time this summer?
Alex O'Hirn: Just wait till I get my hands on ya, you skinny little creep!
Spider-Man: Okay, so Marko, tell me... the new Spider-Signal, too much? It's my first night trying it out, and I'm just not sure it screams "Friendly, Neighborhood Spider-Man". I mean, as a guy with a lot of experience getting thrashed by, well, me... I really value your opinion.


"Ultimate Spider-Man: Venom (#1.4)" (2012)
Iron Fist: I can hear its thoughts. They're, uh... They're... They're confused. Spider-Man, it... It wants you?
Spider-Man: Little problem. I'm sort of planning being me for the rest of my life.

Spider-Man: [to Venom] How about we compromise? I get my body on weekends and weekdays, you get it when I have to mow the lawn.


"The Spectacular Spider-Man: The Uncertainty Principle (#1.9)" (2008)
Green Goblin: Why don't you just give up?
Spider-Man: Because I know your secret. I know whose face is behind that mask.
Green Goblin: We all wear masks, Spider-Man. But which one is real? The one that hides your face, or the one that is your face?
Spider-Man: I know you're Norman Osborn!
Green Goblin: Ha ha ha! Am I?

Spider-Man: This makes no sense. I'm Har- if this kid's the Goblin, why would he attack the Big Man? Why attack OsCorp?
Norman Osborn: I've had "dealings" with the Big Man. But when I tried to extricate myself, I was threatened by his stooge.
Harry Osborn: Hammerhead.
Norman Osborn: Harry must have overheard. Under the influence of the Green, his subconscious created someone who could take the Big Man down. Now, as to why he attacked me...
Harry Osborn: Maybe I've got some anger issues.
Norman Osborn: I will not allow this. I'll say I was the Goblin. After all, I invented the Green. I'm the obvious suspect.
Spider-Man: No. He needs you. And what good could you do him locked away for a crime you didn't commit?
Norman Osborn: Didn't I? This is all my fault. I drove Harry to... I will get him help, I swear. If you'll let me.
Spider-Man: Me?
Norman Osborn: If you turn him in, if the Big Man learns Harry was the Goblin, he wouldn't survive the night. Please. He's my only child.
Spider-Man: [to himself] And my best friend.
[to Osborn]
Spider-Man: The Goblin disappears. Forever. Leaving a mystery that never gets solved.
Norman Osborn: Thank you.


"Spider-Woman: The Kongo Spider (#1.7)" (1979)
Spider-Man: Well, Spidey, better check out that African village, just in case. After all, I wouldn't want a woman spider getting all the headlines.

Spider-Man: Uh-oh. Looks like Spider-Woman's trying to steal my spotlight again.


"Ultimate Spider-Man: Lizards (#4.5)" (2016)
Spider-Man: That's not a bomb just sitting on the table, is it?
Leo Fitz: Obviously, it's a prototype high-yield aerosol dispersal unit.
Spider-Man: Obviously, that can come in handy the next time Hulk uses the S.H.I.E.L.D. bathroom.

Spider-Man: Do not go in there!
Power Man: What? Hulk use the bathroom again?


"How It Should Have Ended: How Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Should Have Ended (#10.6)" (2015)
Michelangelo: COWAB... Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop. The Amazing Spider-Man?
Spider-Man: Hey, fellas.
Michelangelo: Dude, what're you doing here, brah?
Spider-Man: Well, the toxin's about to be released at the top of this tower, I have to stop it before it poisons New York City!
Raphael: Uh, no. That's pretty much what WE're doing.
Donatello: I think you want that tower over there.
[points at another tower]
The Lizard: Hello, poor Peter Parker!

Spider-Man: Okay, this is just crazy: you have a villain releasing toxins on a tower, and a wealthy business owner stealing your blood. Well, check this: my father was a scientist, he mysteriously died, but it was later revealed that he was killed after uncovering an evil plot by the company he worked for! Do you Turtles have anyone with that backstory?
April O'Neil: Hello!
Spider-Man: WHAT? Seriously?
Donatello: This is a plagiaristic monstrosity, we're totally copying the adventures of Spider-Man!
Raphael: Yeah, and not even the good ones...


"Spider-Man: The Power of Dr. Octopus/Sub-Zero for Spidey (#1.1)" (1967)
Dr. Octopus: Spider-man, no one can interfere with my plans.
Spider-Man: Looks like I caught you with your plans down.


"Spider-Man: Sins of the Fathers Chapter 9: Tombstone (#3.9)" (1996)
Tombstone: Come down here and fight like a man!
Spider-Man: I don't suppose I could convince you to come up here and fight like a spider.


"The Amazing Spider-Man: The Kirkwood Haunting (#2.4)" (1978)
Spider-Man: Miss Masters, I hope you realize that in a few more seconds you would have been that bear's dinner.
[lowers Julie on one side of the fence, then jumps down himself on the other side]
Julie Masters: How do you always manage to be in the right place at the right time?


"Spider-Man: The Alien Costume: Part 1 (#1.8)" (1995)
Mary Jane Watson: What are you doing here?
Spider-Man: A 500 foot geyser in Washington Square, and you're wondering why I'm here?


"The Spectacular Spider-Man: Subtext (#2.11)" (2009)
Spider-Man: [Referring to Molten Man] Is that an Oscar with my name on it? I was thinking Emmy, but spiders can't be choosers.


"Lego Marvel Super Heroes: Maximum Overload" (2013)
Thor: I found him whining outside Avenger's tower: the man of spiders!
Spider-Man: I wasn't whining! I was angsting. Totally different!


"The Spectacular Spider-Man: Natural Selection (#1.3)" (2008)
Spider-Man: Now, if I were a 6'5'' lizard instead of a 5'6'' spider, where would I hide?
[pauses while looking]
Spider-Man: Duh. Underground.


"Spider-Man: Where Crawls the Lizard/Electro the Human Lightning Bolt (#1.2)" (1967)
[Electro turns funhouse rides against Spider-Man]
Spider-Man: And to think I once paid to do this.


"Spider-Man: Neogenic Nightmare Chapter 4: The Mutant Agenda (#2.4)" (1995)
Storm: Power of Lighting, strike again!
Spider-Man: Um, powers of web-shoters, get real sticky.


"The Amazing Spider-Man: The Curse of Rava (#1.4)" (1978)
Captain Barbera: [Spidey has saved Captain Barbera from being crushed between a car and a truck] Thanks, I'd've been a Barbera sandwich.
Spider-Man: If I hadn't pulled out the baloney!


"Spider-Man: The Spider and the Fly/The Slippery Dr. Von Schlick (#1.15)" (1967)
[after being knocked on the head by one of the Human Fly twins]
Spider-Man: [rubbing his head] I had to find out there were two of them the hard way.


"Spider-Man: The Sting of the Scorpion (#1.6)" (1995)
Thug: [Spider-Man is stopping three thugs during a robbery] Get him! It's three against one!
Spider-Man: As far I'm concerned, that means you're outnumbered.


Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
[Spider-Man shows up at a robbery carried out by people in Avengers masks]
Spider-Man: Wait a minute. You guys aren't the real Avengers. I can tell Hulk gives it away.


"The Spectacular Spider-Man: Nature vs. Nurture (#1.13)" (2008)
Venom: Oh, you don't need to wear a mask with us, Pete! We know all your secrets, because of course, we were you.
Spider-Man: The symbiote..but I destroyed-
Venom: Did you really think a little refrigeration would do us in?
Spider-Man: You ensnared another human being?!
Venom: Someone better suited to our gifts and to our mission: Destroying you for rejecting us! From now on we're poison to Peter Parker and Spider-Man. We're VENOM!


"The Spectacular Spider-Man: The Invisible Hand (#1.6)" (2008)
Spider-Man: I'm here to see Mr. Lincoln.
Tombstone: Then you should make an appointment. But perhaps we'll make an exception for the hero of the day. I am L. Thompson Lincoln.
Spider-Man: Please, you're the Big Man!
Tombstone: In my life, I've been called many names. My favorite is Tombstone.
Spider-Man: Back off! I just took down the Rhino. A pale guy in a suit doesn't stand a...
[Tombstone smacks Spider-Man away and pins him to the ground]
Tombstone: Don't move. Just listen. And I'll teach you the facts of life. The Big Man, whomever he might be, has nothing against heroes. No hero can thwart enough crime to dent his income. But you... you frighten criminals off the streets entirely. Except when you're off battling the like of the Rhino. Then the Big Man's profitable army of petty thugs think themselves beneath the Spider-Man's notice.
Spider-Man: So as long as I keep fighting crime, you'll keep making bigger and badder...
Tombstone: Now, you're learning. But there is a way out. Come work for me. You can still save the world like a good hero. I'll even pay you. All you have to remember is to look the other way on occasion. On any occasion I choose.
Spider-Man: I can't ever look the other way again. Let's finish this.
Tombstone: [sigh] If you insist.
[Buzzes two cops into the room]
Tombstone: Officers, Spider-Man has trespassed on my property, assaulted my employees and threatened my person.


"Spider-Man: Spider Wars, Chapter 1: I Really, Really Hate Clones (#5.12)" (1998)
Spider-Man: This is starting to sound like a bad comic-book plot!


"Spider-Man: Sins of the Fathers Chapter 2: Make a Wish (#3.2)" (1996)
Spider-Man: [the days before he used his powers to fight crime] Back then, all I cared about was taking care of number one. Me.


"Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends: The Triumph of the Green Goblin (#1.1)" (1981)
Spider-Man: [sniffs Green Goblin's formula] Shew! What is this? Cream of garbage juice?


"Spider-Man: Sins of the Fathers Chapter 4: Enter the Green Goblin (#3.4)" (1996)
Spider-Man: Alright Hobgob... wait, you're not the Hobgoblin!
Green Goblin: How observant you are! No, I'm not the Hobgoblin, meddler! I'm the Green Goblin! Not that you'll live long enough for it to matter!


"Spider-Man: Neogenic Nightmare Chapter 11: Tablet of Time (#2.9)" (1995)
Spider-Man: [during Spider-Man's first tussle with Tombstone] Now I get the name. I feel like I was just hit by a slab of granite.


"Ultimate Spider-Man: New Warriors (#3.8)" (2014)
Taskmaster: After all the recruiting, the fights, your New Warriors, all lead to this.
Spider-Man: Will you quit talking? I don't want to chat with you. I want to kick your butt!


"Spider-Man: Sins of the Fathers Chapter 11: Carnage (#3.12)" (1996)
Spider-Man: How do you do this?
Madame Web: Transcend time and space? It's simple, I practiced.


"The Spectacular Spider-Man: Market Forces (#1.4)" (2008)
Spider-Man: You do this for a living? With that accent, I was thinkin' rodeo clown.


"Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends: The Vengeance of Loki (#1.10)" (1981)
Eric the Viking: Have I died, and awakened in Valhalla?
Firestar: Valhalla is the Viking's heaven.
Spider-Man: Thanks, now tell me the capitol of Montana.


The Amazing Spider-Man (2012) (VG)
Felicia Hardy: Where did you go? To get this kind of power?
Spider-Man: It's not the power you should be concerned about, it's the responsibility it gave me, you know, to beat the living crap out of criminals like you?
Felicia Hardy: [as she uses a flirty handwalk to reach his mask] Oh, I'll bet you say that to all the girls...
Spider-Man: [as he pushes her hand off his shoulder] Just the ones I really like... to see behind bars.
Felicia Hardy: A spider first, then a lizard... maybe I could be part of little animal kingdom... tell me how...
Spider-Man: Ummm... Nope!
Felicia Hardy: I'll find it without you, you know... So long, Spider.


"The Amazing Spider-Man: The Chinese Web: Part 2 (#2.8)" (1979)
Jonathan Fleming: Spider-Man? I didn't know you worked outside New York.
Spider-Man: I don't, usually.


"The Amazing Spider-Man: The Captive Tower (#2.1)" (1978)
Spider-Man: The other side of that thing is packed with plastic explosives. You lift the top off of that and you'll blow the top five floors of this building clear to Jersey.
Sgt. Bulker: Yeah, and they come down pretty hard on littering over there, don't they, huh?


"Spider-Man: Partners in Danger Chapter 3: The Black Cat (#4.3)" (1997)
Black Cat: I knew you'd come, spider.
[then pounces on him]
Spider-Man: Who are you?
Black Cat: [as she armlocks him from behind him] Just a stray black cat.
Spider-Man: You're definitely getting enough vitamins!
[throws her off him, then Black Cat lands on her feet]
Black Cat: Silly spider, cats always land on their feet.
[gets web slinged and toss to the ground]
Black Cat: Hey, I was just being curious. I wanted to see if I was as strong as you.
Spider-Man: Well, you know what they say about curiosity...
[Black Cat rolls away to keep him from reaching her mask]
Black Cat: Indeed, I also know the value of surprise!
[frees herself using her claws and shooting a green knockout gas at him]
Spider-Man: [coughs and passes out]
Black Cat: Sorry, spider; but I wanted to know just who's behind your mask.
[grabs the bottom mask to uncover]
Black Cat: [reaching to where the mouth and nose are exposed] No, this isn't what I want after all.
[kisses him on the lips]
Black Cat: It'll be far more rewarding when you take the mask off for me... willingly.
[hears the security guards coming]
Black Cat: 'Til next time...
[runs away from Spider-Man]


"Spider-Man: To Cage a Spider (#2.19)" (1969)
Spider-Man: Swinging from building to building, running around in a hot costume... Sometimes, I wonder why.


The Death of Spider-Man (2011) (V)
Spider-Man: Okay. Hospital. But this... is it. You know that... right? You can't go the hospital without... unmasking. Everyone will know who I am by... by morning. Or who I... was. I can't be Spider-Man *and* Peter Parker. Which is such a shame because this is really working for me.