Randal Graves
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Quotes for
Randal Graves (Character)
from Clerks (1994)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
Clerks II (2006)
Sexy Stud: So, where're we doin' this thing?
Randal Graves: Oh, right inside the restaurant.
Sexy Stud: You're kidding.
Randal Graves: Not spacious enough?
Sexy Stud: No, it's plenty spacious, just kinda weird, isn't it?
Randal Graves: Kinda weird? You're in the bestiality business, dude.
Sexy Stud: Hey, Fucko, we like to call it inter-species erotica.
Randal Graves: Intriguing.

Randal Graves: That look was so gay. I thought Sam was gonna tell the little hobbits to take a walk so he could saunter over to Frodo and suck his fucking cock. Now *that* would have been an Academy Award worthy ending.
Hobbit Lover: Hey faggot, they're not gay! They're hobbits!
Randal Graves: And then, right after the Sam/Frodo suckfest, right before the credits roll, Sam fucking flat out bricks in Frodo's mouth.

Elias: Since God created man, and man created the Transformers, the Transformers are like a gift from God, Randal!
Randal Graves: No sir. They are not a gift from God. They are an unholy curse from the beast we call the Desolate One.
Elias: I don't really want to hear this Randal.
Randal Graves: The First of the Fallen. The Spoiler of Virgins, the Master of Abortions!
Elias: You know I don't like to talk about dark forces Randal.
Randal Graves: [singing into P.A. microphone] Let me help you out of your chair, Grandma!
Jay: [climbing through the drive-thru window] Grandma what was it like? To be on that holiday site
Randal Graves: Late that night I awoke from my sleep.
Jay: Hearing! Unknown! Voices!
Randal Graves, Jay: Laughing insane!

Randal Graves: All right, look, there's only one "Return," okay, and it ain't "of the King," it's "of the Jedi."
Hobbit Lover: Oh, Star Wars geek.
Randal Graves: Oh, I'm the geek? Look at you two whipping out your preciouses.
Elias: You'll have to excuse him, he's not "down" with the trilogy.
Randal Graves: Oh, what the fuck happened to this world? There's only one trilogy, you fucking morons.
Hobbit Lover: You know what, maybe we should start calling your friend Padme, because he loves Manakin Skywalker so much, right?
[in robot voice]
Hobbit Lover: Danger danger, my name is Anakin. My shitty acting is ruining saga.
Elias: [chucking] Yea-Yeah, you're crazy, Jar-Jar.
Randal Graves: Oh, I'm crazy? Those fuckin' hobbit movies were boring as hell. All it was, was a bunch of people walking, three movies of people walking to a fucking volcano.

Randal Graves: [after the fire at the Quick Stop] Terrorists?
[Dante shakes his head]
Randal Graves: I left the coffee pot on again, didn't I?
[Dante nods]
Randal Graves: Shit! Now where am I gonna bring chicks to fuck when my mom's home?

Dante Hicks: What are you writing over there, your memoirs?
Randal Graves: I'm battling this jackass on his blog's message boards.
Dante Hicks: About what?
Randal Graves: About how he's got too much free time and no life. A guy in a wheelchair who's always preying on other people's sympathies, writing these long diatribes about how he'll never walk again, and how walkers should appreciate the blessings of their functioning legs, so I've been getting into it with him, throwing it right back in his stupid crippie-boy face about how I love to just sit around, and how I'd rather drive to the end of the block than walk!
Dante Hicks: The guy's in a wheelchair.
Randal Graves: Yeah. That's why I called him "crippie-boy."

Counter Girl with Ear Guy: You fuckin' freak.
[pulls boyfriend by loop in ear]
Randal Graves: I'm not even gonna point out the irony, here.

Randal Graves: Before he was the Mad Ducats guy, he was just Pickle Fucker. You see, freshman year, the seniors would hunt us down and put us through what they called "initiations." They'd stuff us into lockers or throw us in the girl's shower room naked, but Lance here got the worst of it. The seniors yanked down his pants and shoved a pickle up his ass and made him walk ten feet. If the pickle fell out before he hit the ten-foot mark, he had to take a bite of it, re-insert it, and walk again.
Elias: Ewwwwww...
Randal Graves: Yeah. But, don't worry. He made it. His pickle was small enough to stay wedged after only four bites.
Lance Dowds: I'll bet you're the only guy in the world who still remembers that, Graves.
Randal Graves: Oh, I bet you still remember it pretty vividly, Pickle Fucker.

Randal Graves: [about the Go-Karts] It just centers me, alright? Kinda the way jerking off at work centers you.
Dante Hicks: I only did it that one time. And it wasn't to center me.
Randal Graves: Yeah, it was to cum. Well I dunno about you, but cumming centers me.
Dante Hicks: Then why did we have to leave work so you can ride the Go-Karts to clear you head?
Randal Graves: Well, I don't wanna jerk off in the Mooby's bathroom! What if a customer comes in and my jerking off gets him all sex nuts and retard strong, and suddenly I'm fighting him off as he tries to jam my dick in his mouth!
Dante Hicks: The most likeliest of scenarios.

Randal Graves: Emma, are you like this 'cause you have an unnaturally large clit?
Emma: You just *had* to tell him, didn't ya?
Dante Hicks: It kinda came out one day!
Randal Graves: He says it's so big it's almost like a little cock, which says all kinds of weird things about him that I don't even wanna think about.

Randal Graves: We were just killing time with those classes! One semester we took Criminology, for Christ's sakes. What the fuck were we training to be, Batmen?
[Jay and Silent Bob smile at each other]

Randal Graves: [to Emma] You became persona non-nookie to me the minute he started diddling your pooter.
Emma: So thinking of me in terms of being a girl kind of creeps you out, does it?
Randal Graves: Sweetheart, I don't think of you in terms of being a girl, I don't think of you in any way...
[Emma lifts up her shirt]
Randal Graves: Oh, that was just *wrong*.
Emma: If you don't get the fuck out of here so that I can spend some quality time with my man, next I'm gonna show you my pooter.
Randal Graves: Why would you wanna do something like that?
[Emma unbuckles her belt]
Randal Graves: Alright, alright, I'm leaving!

Elias: [removing a smoking black basket of fries] I don't think these look right.
Randal Graves: Jesus! Step away from the fryer before you burn us all alive!
Elias: It's not my fault you abandoned your post!
Randal Graves: Was it too much to ask that you handle the fries? The machine does all the work! What's a machine gotta transform into some giant fuckin' robot before you'll take it seriously? Go home!

[a bunch of cops and fireman run into Mooby's and see the "interspecies erotica"]
Fireman: What the fuck?
[the donkey brays as the Police Officer sees Randal's "Porch Monkey 4 Life" shirt]
Officer: [shouting] PORCH MONKEY?
Randal Graves: Oh, no no, it's cool, I'm taking it back.

Emma: It must be nice to have a job with so much downtime.
Randal Graves: Downtime's important. If I had to deal with all the fucking mouthbreathers non-stop without a break, I'd put my head in the deep-fryer.
[Dante and Emma stare at him, waiting for him to leave]
Randal Graves: Balls, too...

Elias: That's bestiality, Randal!
Randal Graves: At its finest, I hope.
Elias: Who would want to see something like that?
Randal Graves: Me, Dante, *you*.
Elias: I don't wanna see something like that! Why would you wanna see something like that?
Randal Graves: Because it's fucked up! And, I wanna see if a chick with a mouth full of donkey spunk swallows. Alright, here we go. Kinky Kelly and the Sexy Stud. Straight from their dirty debut in Tijuana, Kelly's taking it on the road. Taking it in the ass, that is. You gotta give it up for Oscar Wilde-like wordplay that good.
Elias: Do they show pictures?
Randal Graves: Only one of Kinky Kelly sucking off Optimus Prime.
Elias: Really?
[Randal hits Elias]
Elias: Ow.
Randal Graves: Lemme borrow your cell phone.
Elias: [nervously] Oh... 'Cause I'm only supposed to use it to call my parents in case of an emergency.
Randal Graves: This is an emergency. We gotta lock up Kinky Kelly for tonight so we can give Mr. Dante a memorable send off. You love Mr. Dante, don'tcha?
Elias: In a non-gay way.

Becky: Fuck, I had to take a fuckin' order off a guy I blew after Junior Prom, once.
Randal Graves: Yeah, I've waited on your brother, too.

Dante Hicks: You wouldn't wanna be with a girl with an oversized clit?
Randal Graves: No, 'cause the next step is a guy with an undersized dick.

Randal Graves: Why haven't you fucked Myra yet?
Elias: Well, we can't because of Pillow Pants.
Randal Graves: What the fuck's Pillow Pants?
Elias: Pillow Pants is a little troll who lives in her pussy.
[Randal stares]
Elias: Pillow Pants is her pussy troll?
[scoffs]
Elias: Duh. You know how every girl's parents put a pussy troll in them when the girls are young, to keep them from having premarital sex?
Randal Graves: ...Sure.
Elias: Well Myra's is named Pillow Pants. And so even though she totally wants to have sex with me, Myra says if I put my... thing in her, Pillow Pants will bite it off. So, I gotta wait until Pillow Pants gets peed out of her body on her 21st birthday before we can have sex.
Randal Graves: [floored] And Myra told you this?
Elias: Boyfriends and girlfriends talk to each other about sex stuff Randal. You'd know this if you ever had a girlfriend.
Randal Graves: Have you and Myra even kissed yet?
Elias: We would have already if it wasn't for Listerfiend.
Randal Graves: [beat] Listerfiend is her mouth troll, isn't it?
Elias: [shakes head] Women.

Randal Graves: Man, you must love this fucking guy, 'cause he's the biggest pussy I ever met, the dude who lives his life according to everyone else's standards. "I have to go down to Florida and get married because that what's expected of me." And the fucking insane part is, he ain't even crazy about the chick he's marrying or Florida, never mind the fact that he's got a perfectly good chick right here in Jersey who he's nuts about, and even Anne fucking Frank could see she's nuts about him too. And she likes you for who you are, man. She ain't trying to stuff you into a box you'll never fit into, not to mention that she's carrying your hideous fucking chud of a kid. Jesus, if you had any sense whatsoever, you'd fucking stop trying to bray it up with the rest of the sheep and live your life the way it makes sense to you, you fucking ass.

Randal Graves: How the fuck do you always have like two good-looking girls who want you? You're the most hideous fucking chud I've ever met, and you always have a pair of girls fighting over you.

Randal Graves: You swung at me!
Dante Hicks: You ducked.
Randal Graves: Because you swung at me!

[last lines]
Dante Hicks: Can you feel it?
Randal Graves: Feel what?
Dante Hicks: Today is the first day of the rest of our lives.

Randal Graves: You can't get a chick, ya mook. You're too weird and sad.
Elias: [gets angry] I turn down chicks left and right.
Randal Graves: Your chicks *are* your left and right.

Dante Hicks: I can't believe you. I finally get my shit together. I'm hours from getting outta here, and really starting my life, and you somehow figure out a way to obliterate all that and reduce me to a convict.
Randal Graves: Oh, yeah, it's my fault your life's fucked up. "I'm the engaged guy who knocked up my boss!"
Jay: [amazed] You knocked up the guy who owns Mooby's?
Randal Graves: [chuckles, and then incredulous] What?

Elias: If he's gonna jerk off, I'm gonna jerk off, too
Randal Graves: I don't think he's gonna jerk off.

Randal Graves: May your first child be a masculine child!

Randal Graves: [to Dante] You're my best friend, and I love you... In a totally heterosexual way.
Jay: [to Silent Bob] Yeah, right.

Randal Graves: Ladies and gentlemen, and you, Elias! Straight from the debauchery capital of the world, Tijuana Mexico!
Dante Hicks: Oh, God, no.
Randal Graves: Oh, God, yes!
[snaps his fingers and an incredibly elaborate lighting set-up is activated]

Randal Graves: [describing the Lord of the Rings Trilogy] Here's the first movie.
[walks a few steps, staring blankly]
Randal Graves: And here's the second movie.
[walks a few steps again, pretends to trip]
Hobbit Lover: He is way off, loser.
Randal Graves: You ready for the third movie?
[walks yet again, stops, pretends to throw the ring into the volcano. Shrugs his shoulders and turns around]

Randal Graves: What? What is the big deal? Since when did it become a crime to say porch monkey?
Becky: Oh, I don't know, since forever?
Randal Graves: Why?
Dante Hicks: Because porch monkey's a racial slur against black people!
Randal Graves: No it's not! Nigger is.
Dante Hicks: Randal!
Randal Graves: What?
Elias: [to Randal] Excuse me, but did you just call Mr. Dante a nigger?
Becky: Shut up, Elias!
Randal Graves: No I did not just call Mr. Dante a nigger, I simply said that nigger is a racial slur towards black people.
Dante Hicks: So is porch monkey!
Randal Graves: Oh, it is not! Coon, spook, spade, moolie, jigaboo, nig-nog, *those* are racial slurs towards black people! Porch Monkey is not!

Becky: [to Dante] Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, it's forgivable to go ass to mouth.
Randal Graves: [chuckling] Heh. I knew it.

[Randal bursts into the office]
Randal Graves: [laughing] I made fun of "Lord of the Rings" so hard, it made some supergeek puke all over the counter. Where do we keep the mop and bucket so I can have Elias clean it up?
Dante Hicks: In the closet, with the rest of the cleaning products.
Randal Graves: We have cleaning products?
[Randal shuts the door]

Randal Graves: Ease up, Pillow Pants. The dude's not into your D&D GoBots bullshit.

Wife: I'm not eating something that was cooked by some cracker-ass hatemonger!
Husband: I will. Baby, you can't taste racism!
Randal Graves: What racism, "porch monkeys?"

Randal Graves: Seventeen year olds nowadays are crazy. They're up for anything. They even like it when you go ass to mouth.
Dante Hicks: Oh, my God.
Randal Graves: What?
Dante Hicks: Are you serious?
Randal Graves: I don't fuck around when it comes to ass to mouth.
Dante Hicks: You never go ass to mouth!
Randal Graves: It's never my idea!

Randal Graves: What's the point in having an Internet connection if you're not using it to look up weird, fucked-up pictures of dirty sex you'll never have yourself?

Elias: [mumbling] "One Ring to rule them all."
Hobbit Lover: "One Ring to find them."
Randal Graves: Oh, Jesus.
Elias: [pulls a Ring necklace out of his shirt] "One Ring to bring them all."
Hobbit Lover: [pulls a Ring out of his pocket, in a dramatic voice] "And in the darkness, bind them!"

Dante Hicks: [about Becky] No, we had sex one night after work a few weeks ago.
Randal Graves: What? Where?
Dante Hicks: Here, on the prep station table.
Randal Graves: Ew, that's my prep table.

Randal Graves: How the fuck did you father a child with a chick that's not your fiancé? Holy shit, she got pregnant off the toilet seat you jerked off onto! I fucking knew it!

Randal Graves: If Peter Jackson really wanted to blow me away with those "Rings" movies, he would have ended the third one on the logical closure point, not the 25 endings that followed.

Randal Graves: Even the fuckin' trees walked in those movies.

Randal Graves: You ever see a chick give a mule a blowjob?

Randal Graves: Dude, I'm pretty sure your old lady wants to get you and me together in a three-way!

[Dante, Randal, Jay, Silent Bob, Elias and the Sexy Stud have been taken to a holding cell]
Randal Graves: Jail cell design hasn't changed much in centuries, has it? Maybe it's time they brought in the laser bars, or something.
Jay: Oh, they can make a hard plastic cage like Magneto's in X-Men 2! Nauw.
Randal Graves: Come on, dude, let's keep it in the real world, alright? But you know what wouldn't be a bad idea? Carbonite. What do you think, Dante?
[Dante looks up and glares at him, then charges at Randal, slamming him into the bars]
Dante Hicks: I think I'm gonna kill you!
Jay: What up, steel cage match!
Dante Hicks: You ruined my life!
Randal Graves: Your life was already ruined, get off of me!
Dante Hicks: What were you thinking? A fuckin' Donkey show?
Randal Graves: It was your going away present!
Dante Hicks: Sure was! I just never thought I'd be going away to prison!
Sexy Stud: Boys? You can't be imprisoned for watching an inter-species sex act. You'll walk. The worst I'll get is a huge fine for animal abuse, and alot of disgusted looks from ass-wipe conservatives who can't appreciate sexual exploration.
Sexy Stud: [as he drops into his seat in the jail cell, sighing sadly as he leans back against the bars] I miss my donkey.
Dante Hicks: I can't believe you.
Dante Hicks: I finally get my shit together, I'm hours away from getting out of here, and you somehow manage to obliterate all that and reduce me to a convict!
Randal Graves: Oh yeah, it's my fault that your life's so fucked up! I'm the engaged guy who knocked up my boss!
Jay: You knocked up the guy that owns Mooby's? Sick!
Randal Graves: Would you just shut up?

Randal Graves: The Transformers were a total slight against God. In as much as God sent his only begotten son to die on the cross to redeem mankind and all we did to pay him back was make terrible fucking cartoons, like the Transformers.

Randal Graves: Why because I enjoyed what I did? I got to watch movies fuck with assholes and hang out with my best friend all day, can you think of a better way to make a living? Yeah maybe it wasn't what everyone does but it was pretty fucking good.

Randal Graves: I'd buy the Quick Stop and reopen it myself. That's what I'd do. That's what we should do.

Elias: Chicks dig Lord of the Rings, Randal.
Randal Graves: Shyeah, the kind of chicks into swords and elves and shit, and I wouldn't fuck them with the Torch of Gondor.
Elias: Oh, you're so gross!

Randal Graves: [getting Gawking Guy's attention from watching Dante and Emma make out behind the counter] Avert your eyes, ya' perv!
Gawking Guy: Not very hygienic. That's all I'm gonna tell you.

Dante Hicks: Have you become so embittered that you now feel the need to attack the handicapped?
Randal Graves: What handicap? They guy's just in a wheelchair, it's not like he's Anne Frank or something.
Dante Hicks: Anne Frank?
Randal Graves: Yeah, Anne Frank. The chick that was all duhhh, till the miracle worker showed up and knocked some smarts into her.
Dante Hicks: You're talking about Helen Keller.
Randal Graves: No I'm not, I'm talking about Anne Frank. She was deaf, dumb and blind.
Dante Hicks: No she wasn't. Helen Keller was deaf, dumb and blind.
Randal Graves: Are you sure?
Dante Hicks: Yup.
Randal Graves: Then who the fuck's Anne Frank?

Elias: As you know, my online handle is Optimus Prime.
Randal Graves: I know that, I wish I didn't.

Randal Graves: You're gonna be rolling in the pussy, man!
Elias: Don't be gross!
Randal Graves: Says the guy who was just playing tonsil hockey with his mother.

Randal Graves: The best part of this job is all the barely legal pussy that comes in here. And they all look up to me 'cause I've got a driver's license. It's awesome.

Randal Graves: And you wonder why no chick will let you stick your cock in her.
Elias: I never wondered that.

Dante Hicks: I'm having second thoughts.
Randal Graves: About your sexuality?

Dante Hicks: Why *do* the Go-Karts help?
Randal Graves: I don't know. They just remind me of a better time in my life.
Dante Hicks: Like when?
Randal Graves: Like when we were young and the world was still in front of us.
Dante Hicks: We're not that old.
Randal Graves: Yeah. But, sometimes I get the feeling the world kinda left us behind a long time ago.
Dante Hicks: You know, you can do something about that.
Randal Graves: I told you, I don't wanna jerk off in the bathroom at work!

[last lines]
Randal Graves: You know something? You're not even supposed to be here today!

Randal Graves: Do we have a mop?
Becky: Yeah it's in the closet with the other cleaning supplies.
Randal Graves: We have cleaning supplies?

Randal Graves: Dude, the Transformers sucked.
Elias: Oh no they didn't, they're more than meets the eye.

Randal Graves: I know you've given a blowjob, right?
Becky: I haven't even put my purse down, yet.
Randal Graves: That's a yes.
Randal Graves: [to Dante] And I know you've gone down on chicks.
Becky: What's your point?
Randal Graves: Well, when you're done chowing down on the no-no parts of your lover you kiss 'em, right? That's just like going ass to mouth.
Becky: Okay, I'm pretty sure you just compared a vagina to an asshole.
Randal Graves: And?
Becky: Have you restocked all the napkin holders yet?
Randal Graves: That's an Elias job!
Becky: That comparison of pink and brown eyes just made it a Randal job.
Elias: Zing!
Randal Graves: [to Elias] Shut the fuck up, GoBot!
Randal Graves: [to Becky] I could probably sue this whole corporation right now for sexual harassment. You're just making me restock the napkin holders because of my firmly held beliefs on the subject of ass to mouth.
Dante Hicks: You never go ass to mouth!
Randal Graves: Would you grow up?

Randal Graves: Hey! Freddy fucking Mercury! Where the fuck is Kelly?
Sexy Stud: [pointing at the donkey] This is Kelly!
Randal Graves: I thought that was the sexy stud.
Sexy Stud: *I'm* the sexy stud.
Randal Graves: But this donkey is a dude!
Sexy Stud: Kelly can be a guy's name too. Hey!
[Randal shrugs and sits down]

Randal Graves: Since when did porch monkey suddenly become a racial slur?
Dante Hicks: When ignorant racists started saying it a hundred years ago!
Randal Graves: Oh, bullshit! My grandmother used to call me a porch monkey all the time when I was a kid because I'd sit on the porch and stare at my neighbors!
Dante Hicks: Despite the fact that your grandmother might've used it as a term of endearment for you, it's still a racial slur! It'd be like your grandmother calling you a little kike!
Randal Graves: Oh, it is not. Plus, my grandmother had nothing but the utmost respect for the Jewish community. When I was a kid she told me to always treat the Jewish kids with the utmost respect, or they'd put the sheni curse on me.
Dante Hicks: What the fuck, man?
Randal Graves: What?
Dante Hicks: Sheni's a racial slur, too!
Randal Graves: Oh, it is not.
Dante Hicks: Yes, it is!
Randal Graves: She never called any Jews 'sheni', she just used to say sheni curse a lot. It was cute!
Dante Hicks: It wasn't cute! It was racist!
Randal Graves: I disagree, man, she was just an old timer, that's the way people talked back then! Didn't mean they were racist... Although my grandmother did refer to a broken beer bottle once as a nigger knife... You know, come to think of it, my grandmother was kind of a racist.
Dante Hicks: You think?
Randal Graves: Well,I still don't think porch monkey should be considered a racial term. I mean, I've always used it to describe lazy people, not lazy black people! I think if we really tried, we could re-claim it, and save it.
Dante Hicks: It can't be saved, Randal! The sole purpose for its creation, the only reason it exists in the first place, is to disparage an entire race! And even if it could be saved, you can't save it because you're not black!
Randal Graves: Well listen to you! Telling me I can't do something because of the color of my skin! You're the racist! I'm taking it back, you watch!
[customers enter]
Randal Graves: Hey, what can I get for you, you little porch monkey?
[beat]
Randal Graves: Its cool, I'm taking it back.

Randal Graves: I don't mind people snickering at the stupid uniform I've gotta wear, but I'll be damned if I let some self-righteous lucky turd come in here and treat me and Dante like we're a couple of fucking porch monkeys!

Elias: Randal...
[Holds up onion ring]
Elias: "One ring to rule them all."
Randal Graves: And you wonder why no chick'll let you stick your cock in her.
Elias: I never wondered that.
Randal Graves: Yeah, 'cause you've accepted the fact that you'll never get a chick a long time ago.
Elias: I could get a chick if I wanted.
Randal Graves: Who are you kidding? You can't get a chick ya mook, you're too weird and sad.
Elias: [Throws down onion ring and storms up to Randal] I turn down chicks left and right.
Randal Graves: Your chicks are your "left" and "right."
Elias: Yeah right, what do you know?
Randal Graves: Ahh, I know that you're a huge fucking nerd of Potsie-like proportions, and no chicks dig nerds. Especially nerds that are into Lord of the Rings.
Elias: Chicks dig Lord of the Rings, Randal.
Randal Graves: Yeah. The kind of chicks that are into swords and elves and shit, and I wouldn't fuck them with the torch of Gondor.
Elias: Oh, you're so gross!

Hobbit Lover: Hey man.
Elias: [Puts on Mooby's hat] Welcome to Mooby's, may I take your order?
Hobbit Lover: Yeah um, let's see... Give me one udderly delicious Moo-ilk shake, Skinny Calf and a, order of onion rings. Thanks.
Elias: [Typing into register. To himself:] "One ring to rule them all."
Hobbit Lover: [Surprised] "One ring to find them."
Randal Graves: [Eavesdropping] Oh Jesus.
Elias: "One ring to bring them all."
Hobbit Lover: "And in the darkness bind them!"
Elias: [Hi-5's the Hobbit Lover] Yes! How many times?
Hobbit Lover: Umm, three for 'Fellowship', two for 'Towers', *four* for 'Return'.
Elias: [Showing off] Five for return.
Hobbit Lover: Dude.
Randal Graves: Okay, look. There's only one 'Return', okay, and it ain't of 'The King', it's of 'The Jedi'.
Hobbit Lover: [to Elias] Oh, Star Wars geek.
Randal Graves: Oh I'm the geek? Look at you two whipping out your preciouses.
Elias: [to Hobbit Lover] You'll have to excuse him. He's not 'down' with the trilogy.
Randal Graves: Oh, what the fuck happened to this world? There's only one trilogy you fucking morons.
Hobbit Lover: You know what, maybe we should start calling your friend Padme, because he loves Mannequin Skywalker so much, right?
[Robotic genstures and monotone, imitating Anakin Skywalker]
Hobbit Lover: Danger, danger, my name is Anakin. My shitty acting is ruining saga.
Elias: [Chuckles] Yeah, you're crazy, Jar-Jar.
Randal Graves: Oh I'm crazy? Those fucking hobbit movies were boring as hell. All it was was a bunch of people walking. Three movies of people walking to a fucking volcano... Here's the first movie...
[Walks in a straight line, doped]
Randal Graves: ... And here's the second movie...
[Walks in a straight line and steps]
Randal Graves: ...
Hobbit Lover: He is way off. Loser.
Randal Graves: ...You ready for the third movie?
[Walks in a straight line again, and, at the end, pretends to take a ring off his finger and throw it away, then shrugs]
Diner #1: Fuckin' A.

Randal Graves: The best part of this job is all the barely legal pussy that comes in here. And they all look up to me 'cause I've got a driver's license. It's awesome.
Dante Hicks: You're thirty-three.
Randal Graves: You show me one thirty-three year old chick who's buck wild in bed as your seventeen year old counterpie. Seventeen year olds nowadays are crazy. They even like it when you go ass-to-mouth.
Dante Hicks: Oh... My... God.
Randal Graves: What?
Dante Hicks: Are you serious?
Randal Graves: I don't fuck around when it comes to ass-to-mouth.
Dante Hicks: You never go ass-to-mouth.
Randal Graves: It's never my idea. These young girls, they get all horned up and they tell you to go ass-to-mouth.
Dante Hicks: You never go ass-to-mouth, Randal.
Randal Graves: You sound like my Mom.
[Becky enters]
Randal Graves: Becks, do you ever go ass-to-mouth?
Becky: You never go ass-to-mouth.
Randal Graves: You've never gone ass-to-mouth.
Dante Hicks: You never go ass-to-mouth.
Becky: I've never gone ass to mouth.
Randal Graves: Not even once?
Becky: Not even ever.
Randal Graves: You're both so repressive.
[to Becky]
Randal Graves: Alright look, I know you've given a blowjob, right?
Becky: I haven't even put my purse down yet.
Randal Graves: That's a yes.
[to Dante]
Randal Graves: And I know you've gone down on chicks.
Becky: What's your point?
Randal Graves: Well, when you're done chowin' down on the no-no parts of your lover, you kiss 'em, right? That's just like going ass to mouth.
Becky: Okay, I'm pretty sure you just compared a vagina to an ass hole.

Elias: Well, I mean, as you know, my online handle is Optimus Prime.
Randal Graves: I know that. I wish I didn't.

Randal Graves: I thought you weren't even allowed to watch a lot of TV in your house cause you're all Christian and shit.
Elias: Well, as it turns out, cars and trucks that turn into robots aren't really that blasphemous. Because my pastor says that machines can turn into other machines and it's not a slight against God.
Randal Graves: Transformers are a TOTAL slight against God. Inasmuch as God sent his only begotten son to die on the cross to redeem mankind, and all we did to pay him back was make terrible fucking cartoons like the Transformers.

Sexy Stud: When it's over, if you want, you can fuck Kelly.
Randal Graves: Really? Sweet!
Sexy Stud: Yeah.

Randal Graves: I got to rent movies, fuck with assholes, and hang out with my best friend, Dante.


Clerks (1994)
Randal Graves: Melodrama coming from you seems about as natural as an oral bowel movement.

Caitlin Bree: Can I use your bathroom?
Randal Graves: Sure. But there's no lights back there.
Caitlin Bree: Why aren't there any lights?
Randal Graves: Well, there are, but for some reason they stop working at 5:14 every night.
Caitlin Bree: You're kidding. Why?
Randal Graves: Nobody can figure it out. The boss doesn't wanna pay the electrician to fix it, 'cause the electrician owes money to the video store.
Caitlin Bree: Such a sordid state of affairs.
Randal Graves: And I'm caught in the middle - torn between my loyalty for the boss and my desire to piss with the lights on.
Caitlin Bree: Well, I'll try to manage.
Randal Graves: Oh, hey Caitlin, break his heart again this time, and I'll kill ya. Nothing personal.
Caitlin Bree: You are very protective of him, Randal. You always have been.
Randal Graves: Territoriality. He was mine first.
Caitlin Bree: Oh, that was so cute.

Cat Admiring Bitter Customer: Cute cat. What's its name?
Randal Graves: Annoying customer.
Cat Admiring Bitter Customer: [grabs pack of cigarettes] Fuckin' dickhead!

Randal Graves: My mom's been fuckin' a dead guy for 30 years. I call him dad.

Randal Graves: Oh, I just remembered, Caitlin's in the back. You might want to check on her. She's been back there a long time.
Dante Hicks: What? There're no lights back there!
Randal Graves: I know. I told her, but she said she could manage. Why don't you go join her, make a little bathroom bam bam?
Dante Hicks: [sarcastic] I love your sexy talk. It's so kindergarten. "Poo poo". "Wee wee".
Randal Graves: [annoyed] Fuck you.

Dante Hicks: Hey, whatcha rent?
[reads the cover to Randal's videotape]
Dante Hicks: "Best of Both Worlds"?
Randal Graves: Hermaphroditic porn. Starlets with both organs. You should see the box. Beautiful chicks with dicks that put mine to shame.
Dante Hicks: And you rented this?
Randal Graves: Hey, I like to expand my horizons.

Randal Graves: Fine, just let me borrow your car.
Dante Hicks: Why should I loan you my car?
Randal Graves: I wanna rent a movie.
Dante Hicks: You wanna rent a movie?
Randal Graves: I wanna rent a movie!
[Dante sighs]
Randal Graves: What's that for?
Dante Hicks: You work in a video store!
Randal Graves: I work in a shitty video store! I wanna go to a good video store so I can get a good movie!

Dante Hicks: You know what the real tragedy about all this is? I'm not even supposed to be here today!
Randal Graves: [suddenly outraged] Oh, fuck you! Fuck you, pal! Jesus, there you go again trying to pass the buck. I'm the source of all your misery. Who closed the store to play hockey? Who closed the store to go to a wake? Who tried to win back his ex girlfriend without even discussing how he felt with his present one? You wanna blame somebody? Blame yourself. "I'm not even supposed to be here today."
[throws stuff at Dante]
Randal Graves: You sound like an asshole! Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here today. You're here of your own volition. You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulders. Like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here. Jesus, you overcompensate for having what's basically a monkey's job. You push fucking buttons. Anybody can waltz in here and do our jobs. You... You're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic, so much more important than it really is. Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante! And badly, I might add! I work in a shitty video store, badly as well.
[sighs]
Randal Graves: You know, that guy Jay's got it right, man. He has no delusions about what he does. Us... we like to make ourselves seem so much more important than the people that come in here to buy a paper, or, God forbid... cigarettes. We look down on them as if we're so advanced. Well, if we're so fucking advanced, what are we doing working here?

Dante Hicks: You gonna lock the video store?
Randal Graves: Look who you're asking, here.

[last lines]
Randal Graves: You're closed.
[tosses cloth open sign at Dante]

Dante Hicks: What time do you get to work today?
Randal Graves: I dunno. Like... ten, or ten after.
Dante Hicks: Wrong! You were over a half an hour late! And then all you do is come in here!
Randal Graves: Yeah, to talk to you.
Dante Hicks: Which means the video store is ostensibly closed.
Randal Graves: Oh, it's not like I'm miles away!
Dante Hicks: Unless you're out renting videos at other video stores!
Randal Graves: Hermaphrodites! I rented it so we could watch it together.

Randal Graves: Oh what, what's with you, man? You haven't said anything for like 20 minutes. What the hell's your problem?
Dante Hicks: This life.
Randal Graves: This life?
Dante Hicks: Why do I have this life?
Randal Graves: Have some chips, you'll feel better.
Dante Hicks: I'm stuck in this pit, working for less than slave wages. Working on my day off, the goddamn steel shutters are closed, I deal with every backward ass fuck on the planet. I smell like shoe polish. My ex-girlfriend is catatonic after fucking a dead guy. And my present girlfriend has sucked 36 dicks.
Randal Graves: 37.

Randal Graves: Which did you like better? "Jedi" or "The Empire Strikes Back"?
Dante Hicks: "Empire".
Randal Graves: Blasphemy.
Dante Hicks: "Empire" had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets.

Dante Hicks: You ever notice how all the prices end in nine? Damn, that's eerie.
Randal Graves: [reading a magazine] You know how much money the average jizz-mopper makes per hour?
Dante Hicks: What's a jizz-mopper?
Randal Graves: He's the guy that cleans up the nudie booths after each guy jerks off.
Dante Hicks: Nudie booth?
Randal Graves: Yeah, nudie booth. You've never been in a nudie booth?
Dante Hicks: Guess not.
Randal Graves: Oh man, it's great. You go into this booth and there's this glass between you and these chicks, and they put on a show for you for like 10 bucks.
Dante Hicks: What kind of a show?
[Customer walks up to counter with a bottle of glass cleaner and a roll of paper towels]
Randal Graves: Think of the weirdest, craziest shit you'd like to see chicks do. I mean, these chicks do it all. They insert things into any opening on their body - *any* opening.
Dante Hicks: Can we not talk about this now?
Randal Graves: The jizz-mopper's job is to clean it up after each guy shoots a load, 'cause practically everybody does it right on the window. I don't know if you know this or not, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away.
Offended Customer: I will never come to this place again!
Dante Hicks: Excuse me?
Offended Customer: Using filthy language in front of the customers, you both should be fired!
Dante Hicks: Oh, I-I'm sorry, I-I guess we kinda got carried away.
Offended Customer: Well, I-I don't know if sorry can make up for it. You've highly offended me.
Randal Graves: Well, if you thinks that's offensive, check this out!
[Shows him graphic picture from porn mag]
Randal Graves: I think you can see her kidneys!

Randal Graves: You know who I can do without? I can do without the people in the video store.
Dante Hicks: Which ones?
Randal Graves: All of them.
[a series of vignettes]
Bed Wetting Dad: What would you get for a six-year-old boy who chronically wets his bed?
Video Confusion Customer: So, do you have any new movies in?
[zoom out to see a huge sign that says "Brand New Movies" directly above her]
Low I.Q. Video Customer: Do you have that one with that guy who was in that movie that was out last year?
Randal Graves: They never rent quality flicks. They always pick the most intellectually devoid movies on the racks.
Low I.Q. Video Customer: OOOOH! NAVY SEALS!
Randal Graves: It's like in order to join, they have to have an I.Q. less than their shoe size.
Dante Hicks: You think you get stupid questions? You should hear the barrage of stupid questions I get.
[more vignettes]
Cold Coffee Lover: What do mean there's no ice? You mean I gotta drink this coffee hot?
Candy Confusion Customer: So how much is this thing anyway?
[zoom out to see a huge "99¢" sign behind her]
Hubcap Searching Customer: Do you sell hubcaps for a '72 Pinto hatchback? Ooh, Mini-Trucker Magazine!

Randal Graves: People say crazy shit during sex. One time I called this girl "Mom."

Randal Graves: This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers.

Dante Hicks: You hate people!
Randal Graves: But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?

[Randal is on the phone when a woman and little girl come to the counter]
'Happy-Scrappy' Mom: Excuse me. But do you sell videotapes?
Randal Graves: Yeah, what're you looking for?
'Happy-Scrappy' Mom: "Happy Scrappy Hero Pup".
Randal Graves: Uh, one second. I'm on the phone with the distribution house now; lemme make sure they got it.
'Happy-Scrappy' Mom: 'Kay.
Randal Graves: What's it called again?
'Happy-Scrappy' Mom: "Happy Scrappy Hero Pup".
'Happy-Scrappy' Kid: "Happy Scrappy"!
'Happy-Scrappy' Mom: She loves it.
Randal Graves: Obviously.
[into the phone]
Randal Graves: Uh, yeah, hi, this is RST Video calling. Customer #4352. I'd like to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: "Whispers in the Wind", "To Each His Own", "Put It Where It Doesn't Belong", "My Pipes Need Cleaning", "All Tit-Fucking, Volume 8", "I Need Your Cock", "Ass-Worshipping Rimjobbers", "My Cunt and Eight Shafts", "Cum Clean", "Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts", "Cum Buns 3", "Cumming in Socks", "Cum on Eileen", "Huge Black Cocks with Pearly White Cum", "Girls Who Crave Cock", "Girls Who Crave Cunt", "Men Alone 2: The K-Y Connection", "Pink Pussy Lips", oh yeah, and, uh, "All Holes Filled with Hard Cock".
'Happy-Scrappy' Kid: "Scrappy"!
Randal Graves: Yup. Oh, wait a minute.
[to the woman]
Randal Graves: Uh, what was that called again?

Sanford: Hey, Dante, I'm gonna grab a Gatorade, alright?
Dante Hicks: If you grab a Gatorade, then everybody's gonna grab one.
Sanford: So?
Dante Hicks: So, who's gonna pay for these Gatorades?
Sanford: What do you care, you shoe polish-smelling motherfucker?
Dante Hicks: Hey, I have a responsibility here. I can't have everybody grabbing free drinks.
Sanford: Responsibility? What responsibility? You're closing the fucking store to play hockey!
Randal Graves: He's blunt, but he's got a point.
Dante Hicks: Will you let me maintain some semblance of managerial control here?
Sanford: No, all I'm sayin' is, if you're gonna be insubordinate, you might as well go the full nine, not pussy out when it comes to free shit to drink.
Randal Graves: He's right, as if we're suddenly gonna have a run on Gatorade.
Sanford: Fuckin' A!
Dante Hicks: All right! Jesus! You fuckers are pushy!

Randal Graves: Duh duh... duh duh... duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh... Salsa shark! We're gonna need a bigger boat! Man goes into cage, cage goes into salsa. Shark's in the salsa. Our shark.

Randal Graves: Embolism in a pool.
Dante Hicks: What an embarrassing way to die.
Randal Graves: That's nothing compared to how my cousin Walter died.
Dante Hicks: How did he die?
Randal Graves: He broke his neck.
Dante Hicks: That's embarrassing?
Randal Graves: He broke his neck trying to suck his own dick!

Blue Collar Man: Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt, but, uh, what are you talking about?
Randal Graves: The ending of "Return of the Jedi".
Dante Hicks: My friend here's trying to convince me that any independent contractors who were working on the uncompleted Death Star were innocent victims when it was destroyed by the Rebels.

Dante Hicks: Somebody jammed gum in the locks.
Randal Graves: Buncha savages in this town.
Dante Hicks: That's what I said.

Sanford: Hey, I hear Caitlin's marrying an Asian drum major.
Randal Graves: Design major.
Dante Hicks: Can we not talk about this?
Sanford: Fine by me, but you're living in denial and suppressing rage, motherfucker!

Dante Hicks: No. I might be leaving early to go out with Caitlin. In which case, you're gonna have to lock up the store tonight.
Randal Graves: All right, but you're missing out. Chicks with dicks!

[Randall is watching hermaphroditic porn]
Caitlin Bree: What are you watching?
Randal Graves: Children's programming.

Randal Graves: You're so repressed.
Dante Hicks: Because I never tried to suck my own dick?

Randal Graves: Some guy just came in refusing to pay late fees. Said the video store was closed for two hours yesterday. So, I tore up his membership.
Dante Hicks: Shocking abuse of authority.
Randal Graves: Hey, I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class. Especially since I rule.

[on his past relationship with Caitlin]
Dante Hicks: She was supposed to meet Brad Michaelson in a dark bedroom. She picked the wrong one. She didn't even know I was at the party.
Randal Graves: Oh, my God.
Dante Hicks: Great story, huh?
Randal Graves: That girl was vile to you.
Dante Hicks: Interesting post script to that story - do you know who wound up in that dark bedroom with Brad?
Randal Graves: Your mother?
Dante Hicks: Alan Harris.
Randal Graves: Chess team Alan Harris?
Dante Hicks: The two moved to Idaho together after graduation. They raise sheep.
Randal Graves: That's frightening.
Dante Hicks: Takes different strokes to move the world.
Randal Graves: In light of this lurid tale, I don't even see how you can romanticize your relationship with Caitlin. She broke your heart and inadvertently drove men to deviant lifestyles.

Randal Graves: Do you know what I just watched?
Dante Hicks: Me pulling a can off some moron's fist?
Randal Graves: Return of the Jedi.

[Randal has a sign that says "I EAT COCK"]
Dante Hicks: Who eats cock?
Randal Graves: Bunch of savages in this town.

Randal Graves: Hey, you know, you and I have something in common - we both eat Chinese.
Caitlin Bree: Dick.
Randal Graves: Exactly.

Dante Hicks: Just go. Just go open the video store!
Jay: Yeah! Open the video store!
Randal Graves: Shut the fuck up, junkie!

Randal Graves: What'd your mom say when you told her you weren't engaged anymore?
Caitlin Bree: She said not to come home until after graduation.
Randal Graves: Wow, you got thrown out for Dante?
Caitlin Bree: What can I say? He does weird things to me.
Randal Graves: Ooh, can I watch?
Caitlin Bree: You can hold me down.
Randal Graves: Can I join in?
Caitlin Bree: You might be let down. I'm not a hermaphrodite.
Randal Graves: Hey, few are.

#812 Wynarski: Hey, you see a set keys around here?
Randal Graves: No time for love, Doctor Jones!
#812 Wynarski: Fuckin' kids!

Randal Graves: This has gotta be the weirdest thing you've ever been called in on.
Coroner: Actually, I once had to tag a kid that broke his neck trying to put his mouth on his penis.
[Randal sorrowfully looks down, remembering his cousin Walter]

[Randal tries to open the locked door to the video store]
Dental School Video Customer: Guy ain't here yet.
Randal Graves: You're kidding? It's almost 11:30.
Dental School Video Customer: I know. I've been here since eleven.
Randal Graves: Man, I hate it when I can't rent videos!
Dental School Video Customer: I would have went to Big Choice, but the tape I want is right there on that wall.
Randal Graves: Really, which one?
Dental School Video Customer: Dental School.
Randal Graves: You came for that, too? That's the movie I came for.
Dental School Video Customer: I have first dibs.
Randal Graves: Says who?
Dental School Video Customer: Says me. I've been here for a half an hour. I'd call that first dibs.
Randal Graves: It ain't going to happen, my friend. I'm getting that movie.
Dental School Video Customer: Like hell you are.
Randal Graves: I'll bet you 20 bucks you don't get to rent that tape.
Dental School Video Customer: 20 bucks?
Randal Graves: 20 bucks.
Dental School Video Customer: All right, asshole, you're on.

Veronica Loughran: Hi, Randal.
Randal Graves: Thirty-seven?
Dante Hicks: Shut up!

Dante Hicks: It wasn't me.
Caitlin Bree: [scoffs] Yeah, right. What was it, then? Randal?
Dante Hicks: [to Randal] Was it you?
Randal Graves: I was up here the whole time.
Caitlin Bree: You two better quit it.
Dante Hicks: I'm serious.
Caitlin Bree: Oh, so, we didn't just have sex in the bathroom?
Dante Hicks: No.
Caitlin Bree: Stop it. This isn't funny.
Dante Hicks: I'm not fooling around. I just came in from outside.
Caitlin Bree: This isn't fucking funny, Dante!
Dante Hicks: I'm not kidding!
[to Randal]
Dante Hicks: Who went back there?
Randal Graves: Nobody, I swear!
Caitlin Bree: I feel nauseous.
Dante Hicks: Are you sure there was someone back there?
Caitlin Bree: Well, I didn't just fuck myself! Jesus Christ! God, I'm gonna be sick!
Randal Graves: You just fucked a total stranger?
Dante Hicks: Shut the fuck up!
Caitlin Bree: I can't believe this.
Dante Hicks: Call the police!
Caitlin Bree: No, don't!
Randal Graves: Why?
Dante Hicks: Because there's a stranger in our bathroom and he just raped Caitlin!
Randal Graves: She said she did all the work.
Dante Hicks: Will you shut the fuck up! Who the fuck's in our bathroom?

Randal Graves: So, your argument is that title dictates behavior?
Dante Hicks: What?
Randal Graves: The reason you won't let me use your car is because I have a title and a job description, and I'm supposed to follow it, right?
Dante Hicks: Exactly.
Tabloid Reading Customer: I saw one, one time, that said, "The next week, the world is ending." And in the next week's paper, they said, "We were miraculously saved at the zero hour by a koala-fish mutant bird." Crazy shit.
Randal Graves: So, I'm no more responsible for my decisions here than, say, a Death Squad soldier in Bosnia?
Dante Hicks: Oh, now, that's stretching it. You're not being asked to slay children or anything.
Randal Graves: Yeah, not yet.
[takes a drink of water]
Tabloid Reading Customer: And I remember this one time-
[Randal spits water at him]
Tabloid Reading Customer: I'm going to break your fucking head! You fucking jerk-off!
Dante Hicks: Sir! Sir, I'm sorry! He meant to hit me.
Tabloid Reading Customer: Yeah, well, he missed!
Dante Hicks: Yeah, I know. Here, let me refund your money, and we'll call it even, alright?
Tabloid Reading Customer: I'll never come in here again.
[to Randal]
Tabloid Reading Customer: And if I see you again, I'm gonnna break your fucking head open!
[Randal salutes him as he leaves]
Dante Hicks: What the fuck'd you do that for?
Randal Graves: Two reasons. One, I hate it when people can't shut up about the stupid tabloid headlines.
Dante Hicks: Oh, Jesus!
Randal Graves: And two, to prove a point. Title does not dictate behavior.
Dante Hicks: What?
Randal Graves: If title dictated my behavior, as a clerk serving the public, I wouldn't be allowed to spit water at that guy. But I did. So, my point is that people dictate their own behavior. Even though I work in a video store, I choose to go rent movies at Big Choice. Agreed?
Dante Hicks: [gives Randal his car keys] You are a danger to both the dead and the living.
Randal Graves: I like to think I'm a master of my own destiny.
Dante Hicks: Please, get the hell outta here.
Randal Graves: You know I'm your hero.

Indecisive Video Customer: They say so much, but they never tell you if it's any good. Are either one of these any good? Sir?
Randal Graves: What?
Indecisive Video Customer: Are either one of these any good?
Randal Graves: I don't watch movies.
Indecisive Video Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?
Randal Graves: I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.
Indecisive Video Customer: You mean you haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these?
Randal Graves: Nope.
Indecisive Video Customer: [turns around, then shows Randal the same movies] Well, what about these two?
Randal Graves: Oh, they suck.
Indecisive Video Customer: These are the same two movies! You weren't paying any attention!
Randal Graves: No, I wasn't.
Indecisive Video Customer: I don't think your manager would appreciate it if...
Randal Graves: I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.
Indecisive Video Customer: I beg your pardon?
Randal Graves: Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to trick me.
Indecisive Video Customer: I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying.
Randal Graves: And I hope it feels good.
Indecisive Video Customer: You hope *what* feels good?
Randal Graves: I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Indecisive Video Customer: Well, this is the last time I rent here.
Randal Graves: You'll be missed.
Indecisive Video Customer: Screw you!
[leaves]
Randal Graves: [runs to the door] Hey! You're not allowed to rent here anymore!
Jay: [outside; has no idea what's going on] Yeah!

Randal Graves: [talking about the second Death Star] A construction job of that magnitude would require a helluva lot more manpower than the Imperial army had to offer. I'll bet there were independent contractors working on that thing: plumbers, aluminum siders, roofers.
Dante Hicks: Not just Imperials, is what you're getting at...
Randal Graves: Exactly. In order to get it built quickly and quietly they'd hire anybody who could do the job. Do you think the average storm trooper knows how to install a toilet main? All they know is killing and white uniforms.
Dante Hicks: All right, so even if independent contractors are working on the Death Star, why are you uneasy with its destruction?
Randal Graves: All those innocent contractors hired to do a job were killed - casualties of a war they had nothing to do with.
[notices Dante's confusion]
Randal Graves: All right, look-you're a roofer, and some juicy government contract comes your way; you got the wife and kids and the two-story in suburbia - this is a government contract, which means all sorts of benefits. All of a sudden these left-wing militants blast you with lasers and wipe out everyone within a three-mile radius. You didn't ask for that. You have no personal politics. You're just trying to scrape out a living.

Randal Graves: [after Dante finds out the boss is in Vermont] Jesus, that seems to be the late motif in your life - ever backing down.
Dante Hicks: I don't back down.
Randal Graves: You *always* back down! You come in on your day off, you assume responsibility that isn't yours - you buckle like a belt.
Dante Hicks: You know what the worst part is?
Randal Graves: The fact that I'm right about your buckling?
Dante Hicks: That I'm gonna miss the fucking *game*!
Randal Graves: Because you buckled.
Dante Hicks: Will you shut up with that shit, man. It ain't helping.
Randal Graves: Aw, don't yell at me, pal.
Dante Hicks: [apologetic] Sorry.

[a happy and satistifed looking Caitlin exits from the back room and walks toward the front of the store where Dante and Randal are and she looks confused to see Dante there]
Caitlin Bree: How did you get here so fast?
Dante Hicks: What do you mean? I left my home like an hour ago.
Caitlin Bree: Do you always talk this weird after you violate a woman?
[both Dante and Randal look at each other confused]
Randal Graves: Maybe that Asian design major ex-fiancee of hers sliped her some opium.
Dante Hicks: Could be.

Randal Graves: This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers.


"Clerks: The Clipshow Wherein Dante and Randal Are Locked in the Freezer and Remember Some of the Great Moments in Their Lives (#1.2)" (2000)
Randal Graves: I can't believe I married two guys in one year.

British Man: [asking for cigarettes] Pack of fags.
Randal Graves: You're a fag.
British Man: It's a cigarette, mate.
Randal Graves: I'm not your mate, fag.

Dante Hicks: Boy, it wasn't until years later that we found out what "fag" REALLY meant. Right, "mate"?
Randal Graves: You're a fag.
Dante Hicks: No, a fag's a cigarette, remember?
Randal Graves: You're a cigarette.

Randal Graves: The weed of crime bears bitter fruit you old hag.

Woman with grocery bag: It's Ted Danson.
Woman with stroller: Hey, it's Ted Danson.
Dante Hicks: Hey, it's Ted Danson...
Randal Graves: It's payback time.
[throws a soda at Ted Danson]

Randal Graves: Get the hell out, Scorsese.
Dante Hicks: Screw you, Miss Hepburn.
Randal Graves: Up yours, Matt Damon.

Dante Hicks: You thinking what I'm thinking?
Randal Graves: Urinating on the frozen food section and watching it steam up? Oh yeah.

Dante Hicks: Oh, Caitlin...
Randal Graves: Caitlin, schmaitlin. She left you an obsessed wreck of a man who works below minimum wage in a convenience store.
Dante Hicks: You work here too.
Randal Graves: At least I have my dignity. And tapes of you having sex with Caitlin.

Woman Customer: I have been waiting here for two hours. Open up the video store.
Randal Graves: In a minute, ya harpie.

Randal Graves: Pssst. They're using all our air.
Dante Hicks: No they're not.

Dante Hicks: It's funny. Sitting here, waiting to die. You know what I've been thinking about?
Randal Graves: Which one of them we're gonna eat?

Randal Graves: I am going to restock the shelves and then I'm off to accept my Nobel Peace Prize. As for you Dante, don't let that door shut.

Randal Graves: You know, if this were a sitcom, we'd probably flash back to all our old episodes.
Dante Hicks: Yeah.
Randal Graves: Say, do you remember that time Leonardo Leonardo tried to open that convenience store across the street?
Randal Graves: Oh yes. The convenience store of the future.
Leonardo Leonardo: [Flash back to Leonardo Leonardo] I give you the people of Leonardo, the future.
[Leonardo Leonardo reveals the Quicker Stop]
Dante Hicks: [Back to Dante and Randal in the freezer] I thought we were in trouble for sure.
Randal Graves: Speaking of trouble, how about that time Leonardo had us in his office?
Leonardo Leonardo: [Flashback to Leonardo talking with Dante and Randal] I want to offer you a job working here, for me. I want you lock, stock, and barrel.
Randal Graves: Is this some sort of gay thing?
Leonardo Leonardo: No.
Randal Graves: You're sure?
Leonardo Leonardo: Yyyyess...
Dante Hicks: [Back to Dante and Randal in the freezer] That was the same time.
Randal Graves: What?
Dante Hicks: That was the same time Leonardo Leonardo opened the convenience store across the street.
Randal Graves: Right. Well what about the time we broke into his office?
Randal Graves: [Flashback to Dante and Randal looking like they're trying to climb the building] We're almost there.
Dante Hicks: [a flower pot falls and breaks in between where Dante and Randal are standing] Why are walking like this?
[the camera reveals they are walking from right to left instead of climbing up]
Dante Hicks: [Back to Dante and Randal in the freezer] That was also last week.
Randal Graves: So?
Dante Hicks: So a lot more has happened to us than just last week.
Randal Graves: Oh yeah? Name something.
Dante Hicks: Do you remember the first time we met?
Randal Graves: Oh yeah.
[the same flashback]
Dante Hicks: [Back to Dante and Randal in the frezer] That wasn't the first time we met, that was last week again.

Dante Hicks: I guess we're not lucky at love or cards.
Randal Graves: Which is why we almost became priests, remember?
Priest: [In a singing voice] Do you Hicks and Graves, before God and his church, now voluntarily take the solemn vows of obedience, poeverty, cand chastity?
Randal Graves, Dante Hicks: [In a singing voice] We do.
Priest: Then by the powers invested in me by the state of New Jersey, I now pronounce you man and wife.
Randal Graves, Dante Hicks: [Freaking out] What?

Randal Graves: Do you remember the time she got you to help paint her house?
[while painting the house, Randal sees Caitlin making out with the painter]
Dante Hicks: Nobody's perfect.
Randal Graves: What about the time at your dad's birthday party?
[People singing for Dante's dad]
Dante Hicks: Where's Caitlin?
[Randal sees Caitlin making out with the painter again]
Dante Hicks: I thought it was the weird that she invited the painter to my dad's birthday party.
Randal Graves: And what about that time at the painter's birthday party?
[At the painter's birthday party, Randal sees Caitlin making out with the painter again]
Dante Hicks: I thought it was weird that the painter invited us to his birthday party.
Randal Graves: I rest my case.

Randal Graves: Do you want to watch a video?
Dante Hicks: Good idea, what do you have.
Randal Graves: Spielberg's latest opus. It combines his nose for commercial properties with is integrity as a chronicler of the Holocaust. Flintstone's List. Liam Neeson is Fred.
Dante Hicks: We're not watching that. Remember the time we watched that?
[Flashback to Dante and Randal watching the movie]
Dante Hicks: [a part of the movie is shown]
Randal Graves: Amistad was much funnier.

Jerry Seinfeld: Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld.
Dante Hicks: I'm on a break.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does 2% milk...
Dante Hicks: I said I don't care. Get out.
Gwyneth Paltrow: But I have a membership. Paltrow, Gwyneth.
Randal Graves: I said get out.
Dante Hicks: We're closed. Get out.
Randal Graves: Get the hell out, Scorsese.
Dante Hicks: Screw you, Miss Hepburn.
Randal Graves: Up yours, Matt Damon.
[Randal throws a soda at Matt Damon]


"Clerks: A Dissertation on the American Justice System by People Who Have Never Been Inside a Courtroom, Let Alone Know Anything About the Law, But Have Seen Way Too Many Legal Thrillers (#1.4)" (2000)
Randal Graves: Show us on the doll where they touched you.
Dante Hicks: Nobody touched me.
Randal Graves: Who was it? There's no more running from your past. Who touched you?
Dante Hicks: I hate you.

Randal Graves: State your name and latest film.
George Lucas: George Lucas, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.
Randal Graves: And, do you think Phantom Menace is as good a movie as Empire?
George Lucas: Well, certainly, I, uh, think it's the best movie I've made yet.
Randal Graves: Permission to treat this witness as hostile. Mr. Lucas, how do you explain that in Star Wars, Obi-Wan tells Luke that when he met his father he was a great pilot, but in Menace he's just a little boy?
George Lucas: Uh, well, my... my kids thought...
Randal Graves: And how come Obi-Wan tells Luke that Yoda is the Jedi that trained him, but in the movie Liam Neeson trains Obi-Wan?
George Lucas: Uh, well, the power of myth...
Randal Graves: Isn't it true you knew this was a bad movie, that you wrote it over a weekend but kept telling people it was done for years?
Lawyer: Objection, your honor. The pod race was pretty cool.

Randal Graves: Why the hell is he called Silent Bob, anyway?

[after making Jay fall down for the second time in fifteen seconds]
Randal Graves: Classic. I could do this for hours.

[following a long series of dream sequences]
Randal Graves: Hey wait. Are you the biggest idiot ever?
Dante Hicks: No, you are.
Randal Graves: Okay, then, this isn't a dream.

[after he fails to throw a can in the trashcan]
Randal Graves: That's weird, I could have sworn I got game.

[Dante is on trial]
Randal Graves: Mr. Hicks, in sixth grade, did you or did you not urinate all over the boys' bathroom floor?
Dante Hicks: That was you!
Randal Graves: Yes or no!
Dante Hicks: No!
Randal Graves: I might remind you that you're under oath.
Dante Hicks: No, it was you.
Randal Graves: Your Honor, strike that from the record.

[Randal is going to defend Dante at his trial]
Dante Hicks: What are you doing? You're gonna get us both sent to jail!
Randal Graves: In Virginia, anyone who passes the bar can be a lawyer.
Dante Hicks: You haven't passed the bar! And this isn't Virginia!
Randal Graves: They don't know that!
Lawyer: Your Honor, may I point out that this man is not a lawyer, and we are relatively sure this is not Virginia.
Randal Graves: Your Honor, may *I* point out that I've seen all of your movies, including "Zandalee" and "Vice Versa."
Judge Reinhold: I'm going to allow it.

Randal Graves: At this point, I'd like to point out that neither my client nor myself recognize this court's authority.
Judge Reinhold: Very well.

Randal Graves: State your name and occupation.
Nichole Corwin: Nichole Corwin. I work at the mall.
Randal Graves: Do you remember seeing me at the mall?
Nichole Corwin: Yeah, you're the guy they threw out of the bookstore.
Randal Graves: Correct. What is your phone number, Miss Corwin?
Nichole Corwin: 555-0145.
Randal Graves: Thank you.

Lawyer: Your honor, if it pleases the court, we'd like to play the 911 tapes from that fateful night.
911 Operator: 911, what's your emergency?
Jay: Shut up, shut up. Yeah, we need an ambulance at 1611 Uranus Avenue. I said Uranus.
911 Operator: Sir what's your name?
Jay: Uranus. I said it again, Randal.
Randal Graves: Good one Jay. Now hang up.

Randal Graves: The defense now calls Steven Spielberg.
Lawyer: Your honor, what is the point of this?
Dante Hicks: I agree.
Randal Graves: Your honor, you've also never been in a Spielberg movie.
Judge Reinhold: I was in Gremlins.
Randal Graves: But not Gremlins 2.
Judge Reinhold: You're right. I'm going to allow it.
Randal Graves: Man, what was the deal with Hook? I want my 8 bucks back.
Randal Graves: [Joel Schumacher is on the stand in his batsuit] Man, Batman & Robin was so gay.
[Spike Lee and Woody Allen give Randal his money back]
Randal Graves: The defense rests, your honor.
Dante Hicks: You're resting? How are we doing?
Randal Graves: Great.

Judge Reinhold: Has the jury reached a verdict?
Reggie Miller: Yes. In the case of Jay vs. Dante Hicks, we find in favor of... Randal, the best lawyer in the world and give him 10 million dollars.
Dante Hicks: I'm Dante and I'm the biggest idiot ever.
Randal Graves: [after he wakes up from his dream] I have to put that one in my dream journal.


"Clerks: Leonardo Leonardo Returns and Dante Has an Important Decision to Make (#1.1)" (2001)
Leonardo Leonardo: I want to offer you a job working here - for me. I want you lock, stock, and barrel.
Randal Graves: Is this some sort of gay thing?
Leonardo Leonardo: No.
Randal Graves: You're sure?
Leonardo Leonardo: Yyyyyyyyyyyes.

Leonardo Leonardo: For far too long, the Quick Stop has been a home for rampant overcharging and poorly educated, rude clerks...
Dante Hicks: You don't suppose he's talking about us?
Randal Graves: Naw.
Leonardo Leonardo: ...with names like Dante and Handal...
Randal Graves: RANDAL!

Jay: Listen up! Me and Silent Bob would just like to announce that we quit.
Randal Graves: You don't work here.
Jay: Not any more we don't! We'll now be hanging out in front of the Quicker Stop across the street.
[they walk over to the Quicker Stop]
Jay: We'll be over here if anyone comes looking for us.
Dante Hicks: Ok.

Randal Graves: Who the hell is Leonardo Leonardo?
Reporter: [on TV] "Who the hell is Leonardo Leonardo?" It is a question asked by the poorly educated, whose fingers lie far from the pulse of this little community.
Randal Graves: *You're* poorly educated.
Dante Hicks: You're talking to the television.

Randal Graves: [a la "Cheers"] "Clerks" is drawn by a live studio audience.

[recurring joke]
[Dante and Randal are walking up a wall in the style of the Old Batman TV Show]
Randal Graves: We're almost there.
[potted plant shatters on the surface they're walking on]
Dante Hicks: Why are we walking like this?
[camera turns to reveal they are not walking up, but from right to left]

Randal Graves: Looks like it was built by a re-re.

Randal Graves: What's a Humanitus?
Dante Hicks: It's an award for TV shows that don't use words lke "retarded".
Randal Graves: That's retarded. And queer.

Man: Hello? Are you open?
Randal Graves: [unseen] Is it safe?
Man: Yes, it's safe. It's very safe.
Randal Graves: Is it safe?
Man: Look, this isn't funny. I just want to buy some smokes.
Randal Graves: Is it safe?
Dante Hicks: [unseen, impersonating Buffalo Bill] It puts the lotion on its skin and puts it in the basket.
Randal Graves: Shut up man! Is it safe? Is it safe?
Man: [crying] I just want to buy some smokes, I just want some smokes!
Randal Graves: [pause] Is it safe?
Man: [screams and runs out of the store]
Randal Graves: [standing up from behind counter] Thirty seconds. You owe me five bucks.
Dante Hicks: [also standing] But I don't have five bucks.
Randal Graves: Just take it out of the register.
Man: [screams and runs by outside store, now on fire]

Randal Graves: Okay, your total comes to 37 cents.
Old Lady: I have a coupon.
[She shows Randal a 50% off coupon]
Randal Graves: 19 cents.

Randal Graves: Boss says he's shutting the store permanently, the video store too.
Dante Hicks: Why?
Randal Graves: I have no idea, but I have a plan.
[a banner says "Pay As You Exit"]
Dante Hicks: This is your plan? 'Pay As You Exit'? Isn't that what the customers were doing already?
Randal Graves: Kind of. I guess. Shut up!

Randal Graves: I'll bet he never ordered the dome.
Dante Hicks: You know, he offered us college.
Randal Graves: Are you kidding? I haven't seen anything more clearer in my life. Leonardo Leonardo must be destroyed.
Leonardo Leonardo: [In a room away from Dante and Randal] I can hear you, you know!
Randal Graves: It was Dante!


"Clerks: The Last Episode Ever (#1.6)" (2001)
Walt: You're just jealous because me and Steve-Dave are going to have a sleepover after the fair at my mom's house.
Randal Graves: Would you two stop it with the sleepovers already. You're in your mid-twenties for God's sake.
Walt: You're just jealous that me and Steve-Dave are going to do bodypainting at the sleepover too, and play naked robber.
[Steve-Dave, Randal, and Dante's eyes bug out]
Steve-Dave: Uh, I'll have you know that naked robber was one of Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry's favorite party games.

Randal Graves: Yikes. Just yikes.
Dante Hicks: Do you think they're cognizant of just how bad they've got it?
Randal Graves: I hope not.
Dante Hicks: I'm going to send Caitlynn some flowers. Loan me some money.
Randal Graves: Ah ah ah. First, you gotta press ham to glass.
Conehead 1: Yikes. Just yikes.
Conehead 2: Do you think they're cognizant of just how bad they've got it?
Conehead 1: I hope not.

Dante Hicks: This isn't a TV show.
Randal Graves: Now who's being naive?

Dante Hicks: You threatened the President?
Randal Graves: Not today.

Randal Graves: Wanna go catch a movie tonight?
Dante Hicks: Can't.
Randal Graves: Going out to eat with your folks?
Dante Hicks: Nope.
Randal Graves: Someone die?
Dante Hicks: Nope.
Randal Graves: Gonna kill your folks?
Dante Hicks: God, no. Did it ever occur to you that I might have a date?
Randal Graves: Ewww. With your folks?

Randal Graves: The Matrix is telling my brain that this is turkey jerky.

Randal Graves: Those rides are put together by junkies and alcoholics.
Dante Hicks: No, they're not.
[an alcoholic and a junkie enter the store]
Alcoholic: Do you guys sell Elmer's glue and thumbtacks? We're trying to put together a Tilt-a-Whirl.
Junkie: Do you guys sell black tar heroin?
Dante Hicks: No and no.
Alcoholic: Well, rubber bands it is.

[an alcoholic runs in gushing blood from his finger]
Alcoholic: Mary, Mother of God! I cut my hand on a rubber band! Do you sell Band Aids?
Randal Graves: Band Aids is a brand name. The proper term is adhesive strips.
Dante Hicks: The man is bleeding to death and you're getting into a semantics argument?
Randal Graves: Man, name brand word association is one of the more subtle threats to this nation's free trade. It gives the larger, well-known companies an unfair advantage. I'm doing my part to keep the playing field level by weaning people off referring to generic products with brand names.
Dante Hicks: Way to show some backbone.
Randal Graves: No spine of Jell-O here, my friend.
Alcoholic: So do you sell adhesive strips or what?
Randal Graves: No.
Alcoholic: Well, that's just great. What are we gonna use to hold the merry-go-round together?

[phone rings]
Randal Graves: Quick Stop. Yep. Hey, it's for you, I think it's your dad.
Dante Hicks: Hello?
Morpheus: Is your refrigerator running?
Dante Hicks: That's the oldest one in the book.
Morpheus: Neo, please. Let me tell you about the Matrix.
Dante Hicks: No. I'm hanging up.
Morpheus: Don't hang up. We don't have to talk about the Matrix. We can just talk about... stuff. Your favorite bands, chicks who've broken our hearts... um, the Matrix.
Dante Hicks: [hangs up]

Randal Graves: Does emasculating mean cool?
Dante Hicks: Yes.

Randal Graves: [On the phone] Hi this is USA today. We are polling people on their spelling for those graphs we do. Can you spell the phrase ICUP?
Bill Clinton: I don't understand the question.
Randal Graves: Just spell ICUP.
Bill Clinton: I don't get it.
Randal Graves: What's there to get? Just spell ICUP.
Bill Clinton: I don't get it.
Randal Graves: Man, I-C-U-P. Get it?
Bill Clinton: You do?
Randal Graves: Yeah, whatever.

Randal Graves: We're not going anywhere. The boss wants us to stay open all night because the fair is in town.
Dante Hicks: All night. What about the video store?
Randal Graves: Nope, he wants me to help you man this side. I've told him before that if we kept the video store open, it will cater to the vampire and hooker crowd. But he never listens.


The Flying Car (2002) (TV)
[sitting in traffic]
Randal: It's times like this it occurs to me that we were lied to by "The Jetsons."
Dante: What are you talking about?
Randal: According to that show we were suppose to be tooling around in flying cars by now. You see any flying cars lately? That's the problem with TV, it always lies to us.
Dante: Yeah, well most of us rational thinkers weren't banking on a cartoon to offer us a viable glimpse into the future of technological development.

Randal: Kennedy, all right JFK himself. When he was in office, he stood before the world and promised them a man on the moon within 10 years. Thing is nobody had started working on a space program at that point. JFK had no data to back up his claims, no inside into the practicality of space travel. But you know what he had?
Dante: Marilyn Monroe.

Dante: Ok, I'll trade my left foot for the flying car.
Randal: Why your left foot?
Dante: Oh, it's got an ingrown toenail.

Dante: All right! I'll go through with the deal. I'll let the German scientist hack my foot off. Then him and his friends can have their way with me. All for the flying car.
Randal: You would do it with a bunch of guys just to get a car? I thought I knew you man.

Randal: Need I remind you this is for the flying car?
Dante: It ain't worth it.
Randal: See? You're what's wrong with this country, hell, with this world. You're always thinking about your own comfort level, never thinking about the rest of us. This country was built on sacrifice, and nearly thirty years of living a life full of selfish foot pampering and inter-gender intercourse has made you too soft to throw your hat over the wall for the good of mankind. And what's worse is: not only do you ruin it for the rest of us with the flying car, but you completely blow the notion of American nobility in the process. The children of the world have no heroic figure to emulate, so the future of mankind continues on its downward spiral into entropy and mass extinction, until all that was once great about the human race lies buried in the primordial stew, to which we'll most certainly return, thanks to you and your refusal to reach for the stars. And you'll forever be remembered as the sad footnote in the book of life, the wimpy little scumbag who could have breached the chasm of becoming and being, but instead opted to cover his own ass -- and foot -- in the process.
Dante: ALRIGHT! I'll go through with the deal. I'll let the German scientist hack my foot off, then him and his friends can have their way with me, all for the flying car.
Randal: You'd do it with a bunch of guys just to get a car? I thought I knew you man.

Randal: Are you saying you wouldnt cut off your foot for the flying car? You are that selfish?
Dante: Its my foot how am I supposed to walk?
Randal: Why Walk? You'll have the Flying Car!

Randal: Listen to you. The guy is offering you the fire from Olympus that is the flying car and you trade him a bum foot?

Randal: So you *want* the local?
Dante: Who am I, the Marquis DeSade? YES, I want the local!
Randal: Alright...
Dante: What'd you say it like that for?
Randal: Eh, it's just a local that knocks you out and while you're out he diddles your peenie.
Dante: Oh come on!
Randal: Hey men, *you* made the deal!
Dante: To trade my foot for the flying car, not to be tortured and molested by some insane German scientist!
Randal: And his friends.
Dante: What?
Randal: Just when he's done with you, he gives his friends a shot at you too.
Dante: Deal's off!

Randal: What are ya, some kind of homophobe?
Dante: No, I just don't want to be diddled by some insane German scientist and his friends, after they've hacked my foot off!
Randal: Need I remind you, this is for the flying car?
Dante: It ain't worth it.

Dante: What the hell kind of scientist is this guy anyway?
Randal: One with a lot of free time on his hands, and a foot fetish.


"Clerks: Leonardo Is Caught in the Grip of an Outbreak of Randal's Imagination and Patrick Swayze Either Does or Doesn't Work in the New Pet Store (#1.3)" (2001)
Randal Graves: And the lightsaber, you turn it on and it goes yea-high. How does it know when to stop?
Dante Hicks: The Force?
Randal Graves: Man, that's your answer for everything.

Dante Hicks: Wow. A new pet store. Wanna go check out the monkey?
Randal Graves: I guess we should, if we're gonna kill it.
Dante Hicks: What? Kill a monkey? Are you mad?
Randal Graves: Man, didn't you see Outbreak? One monkey almost wiped out an entire town and Kevin Spacey with the deadly Motaba virus.
Dante Hicks: Um, that was a movie. This is real life.
Randal Graves: You said the same thing about Jaws when we were kids.
Dante Hicks: Because you refused to sit on the toilet!
Randal Graves: Sharks swim in water. There's water in the toilet. I rest my case.
Dante Hicks: Sharks only swim in salt water.
Randal Graves: I have salt water in my toilet.
Dante Hicks: You're so naïve.

[Randal has not disposed of a box of rotten burritos]
Dante Hicks: Could you please get them out of here? They're stinking up the place.
Randal Graves: I just hope no one ever says that about your parents.

[Randal has a box of rotten burritos]
Leonardo Leonardo: What the devil are those?
Randal Graves: Descreeto Burritos.
Leonardo Leonardo: Why are they steaming and reeking?
Randal Graves: They're the expensive kind.
Leonardo Leonardo: I must have them.

Mr. Plug: What can we do? I'm willing to donate any of my parts and services to help.
Randal Graves: What are you; some kind of robot?
Mr. Plug: No, that's just an expression. New program: kill the human Randal.
Randal Graves: Hey!
Mr. Plug: That's just an expression too. A robot expression.

Randal Graves: Check it out, patient zero.
Randal Graves: [while looking at the monkey] As God is my witness, monkey, you are not going to infect this town with your deadly virus.
Randal Graves: Look how scared he is. He's shaking.
Dante Hicks: No. He's masturbating.
Randal Graves: Yeah, but it's out of fear.

Major Baklava: We will need to take a sexual history from both of you. And here to take your sexual his is two giggling girls.
Giggling Girl: Okay, when was the last time you had sex?
Dante Hicks: About a year ago.
Giggling Girl: A year?
[They laugh at Dante]
Dante Hicks: This stinks.
Randal Graves: Shut up. Maybe we can have sex with them.
[the girls gasp]

[the monkey is jumping around]
Dante Hicks: What's he doing?
Jay: Nicotine fit.
[Silent Bob acts like a monkey]
Randal Graves: Well what's he doing?
Jay: Nicotine fit.


Clerks: The Lost Scene (2004) (V)
Randall Graves: Hey, Finger Cuffs!
Alyssa Jones: Go to hell, Graves.

Randall Graves: [while flipping through Julie Dwyer's "death cards"] Got it. Got it. Want it. Need it. Got it.

[the keys to Dante's car and the Quick stop have accidentally ended up near Julie's crotch]
Dante Hicks: Quick. Go down there and get them.
Randall Graves: No way. I'm not reaching into that terminal vagina.

Mr. Dwyer: [upon discovering Dante trying to retrieve the keys] Even in death you can't leave my poor Julie alone! I'll fucking kill you!
Mrs. Dwyer: Oh, you sick, sick pervert.
Randall Graves: Hey, Lady! We're not the ones who laid our daughter out in a bippy top!

Dante Hicks: If anyone ever asks, I wanna be laid out in a suit...
Randall Graves: If anyone ever asks me I'm tellin' them you wanna be laid out in a belly blast!

[first lines]
Randall Graves: You know what I can't wait to get ahold of? Those death cards they give out here. You ever see 'em?
Dante Hicks: Would you lower your voice? People are mourning here.
Randall Graves: Holy shit! There they are, come on.
Dante Hicks: Fine. Just whatever you do, don't embarass me.
Randall Graves: If you're not already embarassed by your own sad fucking existence, then I assure you, nothing I can ever do or say is going to make you blush.

Dante Hicks: When we get up there, I'm going right to the coffin.
Randall Graves: You're supposed to express regret to the family first.
Dante Hicks: Yeah, well, I don't think her parents need to see me right now.
Randall Graves: What are you talking about?
Dante Hicks: They caught Julie and I together once.
Randall Graves: Get outta here!
Dante Hicks: Lower your voice!
Randall Graves: They caught you fucking Julie?
Dante Hicks: Worse.
Randall Graves: Worse than fucking?
Dante Hicks: Something no parent wants to see their child engaged in.
Randall Graves: Butt-fucking?
Dante Hicks: Would you please shut up?


"Clerks: Dante and Randal and Jay and Silent Bob and a Bunch of New Characters and Lando Take Part in a Whole Bunch of Movie Parodies... (#1.5)" (2001)
Randal Graves: They used to call me "Sexy Randal The Pharaoh Wizard".

Randal Graves: And I've been working at the video store.
Dante Hicks: I know.
Randal Graves: This stinks, let's get out of here.

Randal Graves: You're a lesbo too, Jeanie? No men in your life?
Jeanie: Not after you.
Randal Graves: Cha-Ching! What about Tracey Morgan? I dated her in eighth grade.
Jeanie: Tracey and I have been married for five years.
Randal Graves: Yes! Who is the man?

Randal Graves: Check it out. Debbie Peters is heading this way for a little Randal.
Debbie Peters: Graves, I never thought I'd see you here.
Randal Graves: Dirty Debbie Peters. What are you, some kind of soldier?
Debbie Peters: I'm a lesbian, you idiot.
Randal Graves: What? Since when?
Debbie Peters: Since about 2 seconds after we broke up.
Randal Graves: Who is the man?


Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001)
[regarding the Bluntman and Chronic movie]
Randal Graves: That was definitely worse than "Clash of the Titans."
Dante Hicks: I can't believe Judi Dench played me.
Randal Graves: Remind me to renew that restraining order.
Dante Hicks: Why?
Randal Graves: Because I'm going to blast that flick on the internet tonight.

Teen #1: Jay says you guys had a Star Wars themed wedding, and you tied the knot dressed as Storm Troopers.
Teen #2: Yeah, and he says you're the bitch and you're the butch.
Dante Hicks: I'm the BITCH?
Randal Graves: Well, if we were gay, that's certainly the way I'd see it.
Dante Hicks: Will you shut up!
Teen #1: [to Teen #2] Holy shit, dude. The honeymoon's over.

Randal Graves: See? I told you that restraining order was a good idea.

Randal Graves: See? If you were funnier than that, ABC wouldn't have cancelled us.