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: I am to charge you with a holy crusade. Bethany
: For the record, I work in an abortion clinic. Metatron
: Noah was a drunk. Look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you to build an ark. All you have to do is go to New Jersey, and visit a small church on a very important day. Bethany
: New Jersey? That doesn't sound like much of a crusade. Metatron
: Aside from the fine print, that's it. Bethany
: What's the fine print? Metatron
: [mumbling into glass
] Stopacoupleofangelsfromenteringandthusnegatingallexistence. Bethany
: Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that. Metatron
: Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. I hate when people need it spelled out for them.
: He still digs humanity, but it bothers Him to see the shit that gets carried out in His name - wars, bigotry, televangelism. But especially the factioning of all the religions. He said humanity took a good idea and, like always, built a belief structure on it. Bethany
: Having beliefs isn't good? Rufus
: I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier...
: [Bethany, Jay, and Silent Bob are sitting in a diner; the guys are staring at Bethany expectantly
] So what's up? You have a friend for Silent Bob or are you just gonna do us both? If so, I'm first. I hate sloppy seconds. Bethany
: You're a man of principle. Jersey's pretty far from McHenry, may I ask what brought you here? Jay
: Some fuck named John Hughes. Bethany
: "16 Candles" John Hughes? Jay
: You know that guy too? That fuckin' guy. He made this flick, "16 Candles". Not bad, there's tits in it but no bush. But Ebert over here don't give a shit about that kind of thing, 'cause he's like, all in love with this John Hughes guy.
[Silent Bob shakes his head with a "whatever" look on his face
: He goes out and rents, like, every one of his movies. Fuckin' "Breakfast Club", where all these stupid kids actually show up for detention. Fuckin' "Weird Science", where this babe wants to take her gear off and get down, but oh no, she don't, 'cause it's a PG movie. And then "Pretty in Pink", which I can't even watch with this tubby bitch anymore 'cause every time he gets to the part where the redhead hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbin' like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit. And there's nothing worse than watching a fuckin' fat man weep.
[Silent Bob blows out his cigarette smoke angrily
: What exactly brought you to Illinois? Jay
: See, all these movies take place in this small town called Shermer in Illinois, where all the honeys are top-shelf but all the dudes are whiny pussies. Except for Judd Nelson, he was fuckin' harsh.
[he and Silent Bob bump fists
: But best of all, there was no one dealin', man. And then it hits me: we could live like FAT rats if we were the blunt connection in Shermer, Illinois. So we collected some money we were owed and caught a bus. But you know what the fuck we found out when we got there? There IS no Shermer in Illinois. Movies are fuckin' bullshit.
: Are you saying you believe? Bethany
: No. But I have a good idea.
: What's he like? Metatron
: God? Lonely. But funny. He's got a great sense of humor. Take sex for example. There's nothing funnier than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus. Bethany
: Sex is a joke in heaven? Metatron
: The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here, too.
: However, if you should decide to stop being selfish and accept your responsibility, you won't be alone. You'll have support. Bethany
: What, more angels? Metatron
: Prophets. in a manner of speaking... two of them. The one who speaks... and he will, at great lengths, whether you want him to or not... will make mention of himself as a prophet. The other one... well... doesn't speak. He's the quiet type
: I don't mean to sound ungrateful... but what are you doing hanging around? Jay
: We're here to pick up chicks. Bethany
: Excuse me? Jay
: We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be there unless they like to fuck?
: Can you believe it? Me - a muse, for God's sake. I can take anyone I meet and give a zillion and nine ideas a second, but I can't keep any for myself. Bethany
: no dialog Serendipity
: Her quirky sense of humor.
[Bethany decides to accompany Jay and Silent Bob to New Jersey
: I want to go with you. Jay
: What, steady? You want to be my girlfriend OK, but Silent Bob gets to live with us and you pay the rent.
[Jay drives Bethany's car; the motor shrieks
: What gear are you in? Jay
: [Bethany hears a noise in her closet at night. She reaches under her bed and pulls out a baseball bat. Flames suddenly erupt in the middle of the room
] Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God. Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God.
[Bethany runs to her closet, pulls out a fire extinguisher
: Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true G -
[Bethany douses the fire
: Oh, G -
[Metatron coughs repeatedly and emerges from the smoke as Bethany rushes back to the bed and grabs the bat again
: Agh! Sweet Jesus, did you have to use the whole can? Bethany
: [brandishing the bat
] Who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing in my room? Metatron
: I'm the one that's soaked and she's the one that's surly, that's rich. Stupid fucking... Christ... Bethany
: Get the fuck out of here! NOW! Metatron
: Or you'll do what, exactly? Hit me with that ffffffish?
[Bethany realizes she's holding a large fish, and drops it in shock
: Now, just sit down on the bed and shut up. Jesus wept... look at my suit! Bethany
: Look, just take whatever you want, but don't kill or rape me. Metatron
: Oh, get over it, will you? I couldn't rape you if I wanted to. Angels are ill-equipped.
[he drops his pants to show blank skin where his genitals should be
: See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll. Now make yourself useful and gimme that towel, will you?
[Bethany tosses it to him and he starts wiping his clothes dry
: Honestly, you bottom feeders and your arrogance, you think everybody's just trying to get in your knickers. Bethany
: What are you? Metatron
: I'm pissed off, is what I am! Do you go around drenching everybody that comes into your room with flame-retardant chemicals? No wonder you're single.
: You were martyred? Rufus
: That's one way of putting it. Another way of putting it would be to say that I was bludgeoned to shit by big fucking rocks.
: Wait a minute. Christ. You know Christ? Rufus
: Knew him? Shit, nigga owes me 12 bucks!
[Bethany and Rufus find Jay and Silent Bob at a strip club
: What are you doing? Jay
: Proving to this bastard I ain't gay. Bethany
: What? Rufus
: Long story, forget it.
: I don't want this, it's too big. Metatron
: That's what Jesus said. Yes, I had to tell him. And you can imagine how that hurt the Father - not to be able to tell the Son Himself because one word from His lips would destroy the boy's frail human form? So I was forced to deliver the news to a scared child who wanted nothing more than to play with other children. I had to tell this little boy that He was God's only Son, and that it meant a life of persecution and eventual crucifixion at the hands of the very people He came to enlighten and redeem. He begged me to take it back, as if I could. He begged me to make it all not true. And I'll let you in on something, Bethany, this is something I've never told anyone before... If I had the power, I would have.
: He said that faith is like a glass of water. When you're young, the glass is small, and it's easy to fill up. But the older you get, the bigger the glass gets, and the same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore. Periodically, the glass has to be refilled. Bethany
: You're suggesting I need to get filled? Liz
: In more ways than one. You need to get laid, Bethany Sloane. You need a man, if only for ten minutes. Bethany
: It's been my experience that the average male is never a man. Not even for ten minutes in his entire lifespan. Liz
: That'a a bit militant. You thinking of joining the other side? Bethany
: Couldn't do it. Women are insane. Liz
: Then YOU need to go back to church and ask God for a third option. Bethany
: I think that God is dead. Liz
: The sign of a true Catholic.
: Were they sent to Hell? Metatron
: Worse. Wisconsin. For the entire span of human history.
: I don't know what to say... or think... except... Jay
: That you offer us sex as a reward.
: All right, but let's say we're caught in a situation where we've got like five minutes to live, like a bomb or something is gonna go off. Would you fuck us then? Bethany
: In that highly unlikely situation? Yeah, sure. Jay
: She's a slut. Bunnnng.
: She's fucking pissed, dude. She'll never fuck us now. Well, maybe you, but definitely not me. Let me know how she is. Bethany Sloane
: NOBODY IS FUCKING ME! YOU GOT THAT!
: I'm responsible for nineteen of the twenty top-grossing films of all time. Bethany
: Nineteen? Serendipity
: Yeah, the one about the kid, by himself in his house, burglars trying to get in and he fights them off? I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece of shit.
: Jesus didn't have any brothers or sisters. Mary was a virgin. Rufus
: Mary gave birth to CHRIST without having known a man's touch, that's true. But she did have a husband. And do you really think he'd have stayed married to her all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God and the Virgin birth, those are leaps of faith. But to believe a married couple never got down? Well, that's just plain gullibility.
: You know those constitutionals He likes to take? Bethany Sloane
: Constitutionals? Rufus
: I think we're beyond euphemisms at this point: God's a Skee-Ball fanatic.
: I'm telling you, man, this ceremony is a big mistake. Cardinal Glick
: The Catholic Church does not make mistakes. Rufus
: Please. What about the Church's silent consent to the slave trade? Bethany
: And its platform of noninvolvement during the Holocaust? Cardinal Glick
: All right, mistakes were made.
[Silent Bob kills Azrael with Cardinal Glick's golf club
: Glick's the kind of asshole that would bless his own clubs for a better game.
: Stall Bartleby from going into that church. Jay
: How the hell am I supposed to do that? Bethany
: Think of something. Jay
: I already did, but it takes two of us.
: What are you? Metatron
: I'm pissed off is what I am! Do you go around drenching everyone who comes into your room with flame-retardant chemicals? No wonder you're single.
: Jesus wasn't white, Jesus was black. Bethany
: Well then why did he get written about and you didn't? Rufus
: Well, he IS the son of God. Kinda hard to have a New Testament without him. So you fudge a few facts, put a spin on his ethnicity. Leavin' me out's okay because you still got twelve white boys to choose from. Jay
: Are you buying any of this shit?
[Bethany meets Serendipity
: Let me guess. The 14th Apostle, left out of the Bible because she's a woman? Rufus
: This girl's no woman.
: No offense. Bethany
: Oh, so those weren't tits I saw Jay cozying up to? Serendipity
: [hugs her breasts
] What, these? You should know better than anybody at this table that tits don't make the woman. Rufus
: Hell, the tubby coat-wearin' motherfucker's got tits,
: You know, I hear pregnant women can have sex until their third trimester. Bethany
: I'll keep that in mind.
[about the protesters outside the Abortion Clinic
: You're Catholic, can't you talk to them? Bethany
: They hate me more than you. At least you have an excuse, you're Jewish, you don't know any better. Liz
: I don't think they'd accept that one, we used that one already when we killed Christ.
[after Rufus has fallen from the sky
: Speaking of which, you're awfully nude. Rufus, is it? Rufus
: Yes, Rufus it is. It's usually 'Long Rufus' but it's a little cold out here, you understand
: Why are we here? God
: [pokes Bethany's nose
] Why? What the fuck do you want with me? I fucking hate you.
: [on Azrael
] So he's a Muse too? Serendipity
: Former Muse.
: He was kicked out... Azrael
: none Serendipity
: none Azrael
: Ever the fucking apple polisher!
: So you... what? Inspire people? Serendipity
: What just went down with your friends over there? It doesn't really take a Muse to inspire horny retards to empty their wallets.
: But you'll be destroyed too. Azrael
: Human, have you ever been to hell? I'd rather not exist than endure that expirence a secound longer, and if I have to drag down everyone else with me... so be it.
: So this is all about revenge. Azrael
: After the first couple million years, escape from hell became my all consuming reason
: Well, I am the last Scion. Metatron
: Actually, you WERE the last Scion. Now this
[puts his hand on Bethany's stomach
: is the last Scion. Bethany
: You mean, I'm pregnant?
[Rufus starts walking
: Wait a second! Between guys with wings, guys falling out of the sky, and guys trying like hell to fuck me, I think I've been pretty patient so far, and I'm not taking another step until you tell me where the hell you came from! Rufus
: Me? I came from heaven.
[starts walking again
: [to herself looking at the sky
] You gotta be kidding me.
: I didn't ask you out for sex. Jay
: Well, I'll take head.
: What about sex? Bethany
: No sex.
: I thought she looked familiar. Bethany
: Who? Rufus
[Jay, Silent Bob, Bethany and Rufus are eating breakfast at Mooby's
: Man, I remember when all we used to have for breakfast was fish and goat's milk. What do you call this shit? Bethany
: Egga-Mooby muffin.
: You're not with the Fight-to-Lifer's? Jay
: You mean those fucks with the signs and pictures of dead babies? Shit no. Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice. A woman's body is her own fucking business.
: Holy shit - you're a Jehovah's Witness! All the fine chicks that come out of that place, and we gotta get the one Jesus freak! Let's go, Silent Bob. Bethany
: No. Wait... Jay
: I'll scream rape.
: We can lay here all comatose like that John Doe Jersey bastard over there, or we can get makin' with the love. Bethany
: What did you say? Jay
: 'Makin' with the love.' It's a nice way of saying boning.