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: Yo man, tell me something about me. Rufus
: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet. Jay
: Aw fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows. Rufus
: When you do it, you're thinking about guys.
[a shocked Silent Bob stares at Jay
: Dude, not all the time.
: Get me a... Holy Bartender. Bartender
: Never heard of it. Azrael
: Ahh, he doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You do, don't you, Muse? Serendipity
: Don't... Azrael
: Ahh, anybody? No?
[Jay and Silent Bob shake their heads
: Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender...
[Azrael pulls out an MAC-11, shoots the bartender repeatedly, then laughs hysterically
: Get it? Serendipity
: [restrained by the Stygian triplets who have suddenly appeared
] Sweet Jesus, Azrael why? Rufus
: Come on, demon, I wanna see you try that shit on someone who's already dead! Azrael
: Now, now, apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room. The Christ bitch will join you.
[referring to Bethany
: [face lights up
] Oh... wait. I get it. Holy Bartender! Ha, ha, ha!
: He still digs humanity, but it bothers Him to see the shit that gets carried out in His name - wars, bigotry, televangelism. But especially the factioning of all the religions. He said humanity took a good idea and, like always, built a belief structure on it. Bethany
: Having beliefs isn't good? Rufus
: I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier...
: Are you saying you believe? Bethany
: No. But I have a good idea.
: You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower. Jay
: I can't wait to die.
: What He really hates is the shit that gets carried out in his name. Wars. Bigotry. Televangelism.
: You were martyred? Rufus
: That's one way of putting it. Another way of putting it would be to say that I was bludgeoned to shit by big fucking rocks.
: Wait a minute. Christ. You know Christ? Rufus
: Knew him? Shit, nigga owes me 12 bucks!
[Bethany and Rufus find Jay and Silent Bob at a strip club
: What are you doing? Jay
: Proving to this bastard I ain't gay. Bethany
: What? Rufus
: Long story, forget it.
: You are the great great great GREAT great grand-niece of Jesus Christ. Jay
: So that would make Bethany... part black?
: Hey! What I just did gave me a fucking migraine! So if you don't pipe down, I'm going to yank your sack off like a paper towel.
: White folks only want to hear the good shit: life eternal, a place in God's Heaven. But as soon as they hear they're getting this good shit from a black Jesus, they freak. And that, my friends, is called hypocrisy. A black man can steal your stereo, but he can't be your Savior.
: In the three years I followed His ass around Jerusalem, did I ever get laid? Hell no. And I was in my prime. I could've been knee-deep in shepherd's daughters, not to mention fine-ass Mary Magdalene. She had a thing for dark meat, if you follow me.
: He likes to listen to people talk. Says it sounds like music to Him. Christ loved to sit around the fire and listen to me and the other guys. Whenever we were going on about unimportant shit, He always had a smile on His face.
: The Man loved being human. Probably why He was so good at it.
: Jesus didn't have any brothers or sisters. Mary was a virgin. Rufus
: Mary gave birth to CHRIST without having known a man's touch, that's true. But she did have a husband. And do you really think he'd have stayed married to her all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God and the Virgin birth, those are leaps of faith. But to believe a married couple never got down? Well, that's just plain gullibility.
: You know those constitutionals He likes to take? Bethany Sloane
: Constitutionals? Rufus
: I think we're beyond euphemisms at this point: God's a Skee-Ball fanatic.
: So what do we do now? Metatron
: Well, I say we get drunk, because I'm all out of ideas.
: Fill them pews, people, that's the key. Grab the little ones as well. Hook 'em while they're young. Rufus
: Kind of like the tobacco industry? Cardinal Glick
: Christ, if only we had their numbers.
: We were sent by Him who is called I Am! Cardinal Glick
: Cute. Really cute. Now come on, kids, playtime with the Cardinal is over. Rufus
: Worked for Moses.
: I'm telling you, man, this ceremony is a big mistake. Cardinal Glick
: The Catholic Church does not make mistakes. Rufus
: Please. What about the Church's silent consent to the slave trade? Bethany
: And its platform of noninvolvement during the Holocaust? Cardinal Glick
: All right, mistakes were made.
: Jesus wasn't white, Jesus was black. Bethany
: Well then why did he get written about and you didn't? Rufus
: Well, he IS the son of God. Kinda hard to have a New Testament without him. So you fudge a few facts, put a spin on his ethnicity. Leavin' me out's okay because you still got twelve white boys to choose from. Jay
: Are you buying any of this shit?
: [to Bethany
] The man was right about you. And I am going to go home and tell him so.
[to Jay And Silent Bob
: And if you clean up your language, I JUST might put in a good word for you too. Silent Bob
[Bethany meets Serendipity
: Let me guess. The 14th Apostle, left out of the Bible because she's a woman? Rufus
: This girl's no woman.
: No offense. Bethany
: Oh, so those weren't tits I saw Jay cozying up to? Serendipity
: [hugs her breasts
] What, these? You should know better than anybody at this table that tits don't make the woman. Rufus
: Hell, the tubby coat-wearin' motherfucker's got tits,
: Why? 'Cause I'm a black man.
: Very basic strategy. If your enemies know where you are, then don't be there.
[after Rufus has fallen from the sky
: Speaking of which, you're awfully nude. Rufus, is it? Rufus
: Yes, Rufus it is. It's usually 'Long Rufus' but it's a little cold out here, you understand
: Are we too late? Serendipity
: To save these poor schmucks?... Yeah.
: You think someone threw him out of a plane with a message written on him like in Con Air? You ever see that flick? Rufus
: Aww man! That sucked! Jay
: [hiding behind silent Bob
] It's the living dead! Kill it! Kill it! Rufus
: Con Air? Con Shit!
[Rufus starts walking
: Wait a second! Between guys with wings, guys falling out of the sky, and guys trying like hell to fuck me, I think I've been pretty patient so far, and I'm not taking another step until you tell me where the hell you came from! Rufus
: Me? I came from heaven.
[starts walking again
: [about the bible
] I'm supposed to be in it. I was the thirteenth apostle.
: I thought she looked familiar. Bethany
: Who? Rufus
: [to Bethany
] Let me give you a little inside information about God
: People die for it, people kill for it. The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now, because of the Catholic belief structure, regarding this plenary indulgence bullshit. Bartlteby and Loki, whether they know it or not, are exploiting that belief. And if they're successful, you and me, all of this, ends in a heartbeat. All over a belief.
: [to Silent Bob
] Biggey! The door! The door!
: You know death is a worry of the living. The dead like myself only worry about decay and necrophiliacs.
[Jay, Silent Bob, Bethany and Rufus are eating breakfast at Mooby's
: Man, I remember when all we used to have for breakfast was fish and goat's milk. What do you call this shit? Bethany
: Egga-Mooby muffin.
: Excuse me, weren't we just in the woods? What are we doing here now? Metatron
: Going out in style. Rufus
: The Voice! Metatron
: [mocking surprise
] The apostle.