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Quotes for
Jay (Character)
from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001)

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Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001)
Jay: Yo lunchbox, hurry it up.

Jay: I am the master of the C.L.I.T. Remember this fucking face. Whenever you see C.L.I.T., you'll see this fucking face. I make that shit work. It does whatever the fuck I tell it to. No one rules the C.L.I.T like me. Not this little fuck
[referring to Silent Bob]
Jay: , none of you little fucks out there. I AM THE C.L.I.T. COMMANDER! Remember that, commander of all C.L.I.T.s! When it comes down to business, this is what I do. I pinch it like this. OOH you little fuck. Then I rub my nose with it.

Holden: If the buzz is any indicator, that movie's gonna make some huge bank.
Jay: What buzz?
Holden: The Internet buzz.
Jay: What the fuck is the Internet?
Holden: The Internet is a communication tool used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another.

Banky: Stop the movie? Are you crazy?
Jay: All these assholes on the Internet are callin' us names because of this fuckin' stupid movie.
Banky: That's what the Internet's for, slandering others anonymously! Stopping the flick isn't gonna stop that!
Jay: This isn't fair! We came to Hollywood, I fell in love. Fuckin' we stole a monkey, we got shot at, and I got punched in the motherfuckin' nuts by a guy named Cockknocker!
Banky: You know what? I feel for you boys, I really do. But Miramax - you know, Miramax Films - paid me a shitload of money for "Bluntman and Chronic." So it occurs to me that people badmouthing you on some website is NONE OF MY FUCKING CONCERN!
Silent Bob: Oh, but I think it is. We had a deal with you on the comics, remember? For likeness rights? And as we're not only the artistic basis, but also obviously the character basis for your intellectual property, "Bluntman and Chronic," when said property was optioned by Miramax Films, you were legally obliged to secure our permission to transfer the concept to another medium. As you failed to do that, Banky, you are in breach of the original contract. Ergo, you find yourself in a VERY actionable position.
[Banky stares at Silent Bob in disbelief]
Jay: Yeah.
Banky: You guys are gonna ruin my movie career.
Jay: Well, we want somethin' for our mental anguish.
Banky: Tell you what: let's settle this monetarily. I'll give you half of what I make.
[Silent Bob's eyes widen in surprise]
Jay: [eagerly] Half?
Banky: Half's not enough? Fine, I'll give you two-thirds of what I make.
Jay: Fuck you, you already said half. You can't take it back.
[Silent Bob rolls his eyes]
Banky: Done.
[they smile and shake hands as Silent Bob shakes his head]

Jay: Do they say who's fuckin' playing us in the movie?
Holden: No, but it's Miramax. So I'm sure it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. They put those guys in a bunch of movies.
Jay: Who?
Holden: You know, those kids from Good Will Hunting?
Jay: You mean that fuckin' movie with Mork from Ork in it?
Holden: Yeah, I wasn't a big fan either... but Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms".
Jay: Word, bitch, Phantoms like a motherfucker.
Holden: What's up now.

Jay: Affleck, you the *bomb* in Phantoms yo!

Jay: [the monkey has been put into a car] Man, who the fuck steals monkeys?
Silent Bob: [Points to Jay and himself]
Jay: Oh yeah...

Jay: In a world gone mad, we will not spank the monkey, but the monkey will spank us.

Brodie: Oh my God. Don't tell me you have no idea there's a movie being made of the comic you two were the basis for.
Jay: What? Since when?
Brodie: See, here's the pulse. And this is your finger, far away from the pulse, jammed straight up your ass. Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?

Jay: All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little, whiny bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who is makin' the movie... we're gonna make them eat our shit, then shit out our shit, and then eat their shit that's made up of our shit that we made 'em eat. Then you're all you motherfucks are next. Love- Jay and Silent Bob.

Jay: Ladies, Ladies, Ladies, Jay and Silent Bob are in the hizzouse!

Jay: Zoinks, yo!

Jay: I hope one rips the other one's shirt off and we see some fuckin titties floppin around, yeah!

Justice: Hi, I'm Justice.
Jay: And I'm so fucking yours.
[Justice is almost repulsed when Jay makes a quick save]
Jay: Oh, Hi, I'm Jay and this is my hetero-life-mate, Silent Bob.
Justice: It's nice to meet you.
Jay: Justice, that's a nice name...
[aside]
Jay: Jay and Justice sitting in a tree, f-u-c-k-i-n-g...

Jay: Hey. Get the fuck off her. That's my ex-girlfriend's monkey.

Willenholly: Put the monkey down, and your hands up. Let's go, misters. Do you want to get shot? I didn't think so.
Jay: Look, man. She doesn't want to go back to the lab. And for the record, I ain't gay.
Willenholly: And for the record, while we're one the subject, I knew that wasn't a real little boy.
Jay: And for one more record, he does love the cock.

Missy: Oh my god, he just called Sissy 'Juggs'.
Chrissy: I'm on it.
[pulls out knife]
Jay: What's with the knife, we havin' cake or something?
Chrissy: Great, he's retarded to boot.
Jay: [to Silent Bob] Dude, she called you retarded.

Jay: Holy fuck, is that monkey waving at us? Oh, shit, It understood us! Maybe it's some kind of supermonkey. What if there's more supermonkeys up at that lab?
[shouts]
Jay: What if they're creating an army of them? Holy shit. It must be a conspiracy like in the X-Files... *Roswell* style! This little monkey could be the fuckin' damn dirty ape responsible for the fall of the human race. In this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey- the monkey will spank us. And after the fall of man, these monkey fucks'll start wearing our clothes and rebuilding the world in their image. Oh and only those as super smart as me will be left alive to bitterly cry - *you maniacs*! Damn yous! Goddamn yous all to hell!

[several security guards, led by Gordon, have suddenly rushed onto the set of Good Will Hunting 2: Hunting Season]
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Sorry to interrupt sirs, but we've got a 10-07 on our hands.
Matt Damon: [exasperated] Oh Jesus, again Ben?
Ben Affleck: [cocky] No, bullshit, because I wasn't WITH a hooker today, ha-HA!
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: There they are!
Jay: Affleck, you the bomb in "Phantoms", yo!

Jay: What are you trying to say? Just say it already.
Silent Bob: [screams] THE SIGN on the back of the car said "Critters Of HOLLYWOOD", YOU DUMB FUCK!
Jay: Say it, don't spray it.

Justice: Wait for me.
Jay: What, here?

Devil Jay: [appears out of nowhere] Mua-ha-ha-ha! Man, what the fuck are you waiting for? She went for the set up. Reach in your pants and pull your cock out, bitch! Girls like that kinda shit.
Devil Jay 2: [appears out of nowhere] Mua-ha-ha-ha! Right about here is where the angel's supposed to show up and tell you NOT to pull your dick out, but we bitch-slapped that motherfucker and send him packing, so it's smooth sailing. Let it rip boy...
[Both devils disappear]
Angel Jay: [with a black eye, appears out of nowhere and singing] Jesus loves the little children...
[Stops singing]
Angel Jay: Oh sorry I'm late. So what's the deal here?
[looks down at Jay's erection]
Angel Jay: Oh shit! Don't tell me your thinking of whipping your dick at that fine piece of woman, are you?
[Jay nods. Angel slaps Jay with his harp]
Angel Jay: Tell you what... Look over at Silent Bob and see if he thinks that a good idea to whip your dick out.
[Jay looks at Silent Bob with a questioning look. Silent Bob shakes his head]
Angel Jay: That's it boy, put the dick down. You gotta go from the heart, yo. No little perv-bullshit's gonna work for this one. Be smooth. Be Don Juan de la Nooch. Now I gotta beat the shit out of those punch-sucker little bitches. Remember: Don't pull your dick out 'till she asks, or until she's sleeping. BOOOONG...
[disappears]

[Jay tries to talk his way out of a drug bust]
Jay: What? I've got a wiping problem. I just stick those little pieces up my brown-eye and bam! I get no stains in my undies. What you don't believe me? Check this shit out. Spread my cheeks, so he can see the fucking stink nuggets!

[deleted scene]
Hooker #1: Hey, little man! You want some of this?
Hooker #2: How 'bout you, big boy?
Hooker #1: You got 50 bucks, we can get NASTY.
Jay: Oh, yeah? How nasty?
Hooker #2: As nasty as you want to be, papi.
Jay: Oh, all right. Well, first, I want you to tongue my bung, while you juggle my balls in one hand, and play with my asshole with the other, but don't stick you're finger in. Then I want to pinky you while I stick in your fuckin' friend's brown, while Silent Bob watches, and fuckin' spanks it in a Dixie cup. After that, I want to smell your titties for a while, and you can pull my nutsack up over my dick so it looks like a bullfrog. Then I want you to fuckin' flick my nuts while your friend spanks me off in the same Dixie cup that Silent Bob jizzed in. Then, we throw the Dixie cup out.
[stunned silence]
Hooker #1: Oh, that's it, honey! I quit! This job just passed the point of no return!
[both hookers leave]
Jay: What? You said "nasty"!
[to Silent Bob]
Jay: Man, chicks in Hollywood are so stuck-up.

Jay: Dude, I think I just filled the cup.

Jay: Don't you never say an unkind word about the Time! Me and Silent Bob modeled our whole fucking lives around Morris Day and Jerome. I'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy. And Tubby here is my black man servant. What?

Jay: Hey, wait a second! Aren't you the guy who fucked the pie!
Jason Biggs: You see! It's never "Hey! You're that guy from Loser" or "Hey you rocked in Boys and Girls." No, it always comes back to that fucking pie! I'm HAUNTED by it!
James Van Der Beek: You put your dick in a pie!

Jay: Miramax? I thought they only did classy pictures, like "The Piano" and "The Crying Game".
Brodie: Yeah, but then they made "She's All That" and it went downhill from there.

Jay: Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free?

[the Scooby gang are arguing amongst themselves]
Jay: Yo! You guys need to turn those frowns upside down. And I got just the thing for that.
[pulls out a bag of rolled up joints]
Jay: We call them... Doobie Snax.

Jay: What's twistin' this bitches tit?
Justice: Maybe it's because girls don't like to be called bitches, Jay.
Jay: They don't? How 'bout "fine piece of ass"?
Justice: How about not.
Jay: Then what the fuck am I supposed to call you?
Justice: Something sweet, ya big goof. Something nice.
Jay: Boo boo kitty fuck?
Justice: That's... a start.

[Jay and Silent Bob are hitchhiking on a road late at night]
Jay: I can't belive this shit. Five hours and not a single ride. Every day people hitch to Hollywood to stop studios from making films about 'em, but when you and me try it, it's like we're trapped in a fuckin' cartoon.
[the Mystery Machine van from the Scooby Doo cartoons pulls up alongside Jay and Silent Bob]

Jay: It's a Miramax flick. We gotta bust up some people who were calling us names on the internet, even thought they're not really talking about us but characters based on us, and at the same time find my ex-girlfriend-who-was-killed-by-a-car-explosion's monkey.
Pumpkin Escobar: Man... I don't know what the FUCK you just said, Little Kid, but you're special man, you reached out, and you touch a brother's heart.

Jay: [after tossing Brent out of the van] Now who's stupid, you dirty sheep fucker?
Brent: I would *never* fuck a sheep!
[sees a sheep in a nearby field]
Brent: Hey there. How you doing?
[reaches for a condom]
Brent: I *love* animals.
[goes for the sheep]

Jay: Hey, lawdog.
Whillenholly: [Willenholly realizes Jay & Silent Bob didn't jump] Hey!
Jay: See you in hell, cocksmoker!
Whillenholly: Aww, Fuck Meeeee!.

[last lines]
Jay: [clears throat] And I'll be, like, "What, you don't know fuckin' Jay and Silent Bob? The fuckin' mack daddys of fuckin' Jersey?" And she'll be, like, "Oh, I've read on the Internet that you's guys are a couple of little
[emphatically to Silent Bob]
Jay: fuckholes!"
[both laugh]

Jay: So your in this for the pussy right?
Brent: No, I'm in this because I LOOOVE animals, stupid?
Jay: Even Sheep?
Brent: Of course. Sheep are beautiful creatures.
Jay: So would you fuck a sheep?
Brent: What is your damage, little boy. You have a sick and twisted world perspective.
Jay: No, you're misunderstaning me, Prince Valiant. I'm saying if you were a sheep, would you fuck a sheep, if you were another sheep?
Brent: Well, in that case, you bet your sweet ass I would.
Jay: Thought so.
[Yelling]
Jay: Yo, this motherfucker ain't one of us. He said he'd fuck a sheep!
Brent: No! No! No!
Jay: [Throws Brent out the door of the van, flips him off as he's looking out the door as they're still driving] WHO'S STUPID NOW, DIRTY SHEEP FUCKER!

Sissy: Since you let our patsy slip away, you gotta convince the little kid and the fat guy to take his place. They gotta break into Provasik now.
Justice: Uh-uh.
Sissy: Uh-huh. You'll do it, or you're out of the gang, Justice. Just use the little one's crush on you to convince him, since he's SO fucking in love with you.
Justice: Jay? No, he's not.
Sissy: What am I, blind? He wasn't kissing your hand in the back of the van like he was fucking Lord Byron?
Justice: Well, maybe he just has manners.
[cut to Jay outside, hollering at a woman walking past him]
Jay: Yo, baby, you ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat?
[he turns to Silent Bob, who stares at him in shock]
Jay: Yeeaah...!

Jay: Die, you super-monkey fuck.

Jay: Just call me Darth Balls... Bong.

Jay: So, you think I could get a little kiss for good luck?
[Justice kisses him passionately]
Jay: Think I could get a little blow job for good luck?
Justice: No. Go.
Jay: Fuck.
[Silent Bob tries to get a good luck of his own]
Jay: Get off my Kool-Aid motherfucka!

Jay: [after pulling a very long pube out of his teeth] Eew, man, she had '70s bush. Damn second rule in that book should be: "Trim that shit".

Whillenholly: Sorry, Justice. We've gotta go.
[to Jay]
Whillenholly: Hey, stop stealing monkeys.
Jay: Fuck you.
Whillenholly: Fair enough.

Assistant Director(GWH 2): Okay, you two. Just stand there, and react. Don't say anything!
[Points to Silent Bob]
Assistant Director(GWH 2): Especially you.
Jay: [to Silent Bob] That's pretty funny.

[Silent Bob gets stuck in an open sewer pipe]
Jay: Just like Winnie the Pooh.

Justice: If I go to prison will you wait for me?
Jay: Hmm, I don't know. Will you fuck me when you get out?
[Justice kisses him passionately]
Jay: Don't change the subject. Will you fuck me when you get out?
Justice: Snoogans.
[Goes back to kissing Jay]

Whillenholly: And might I add, that is one fine looking boy you are raising.
Jay: Hell yeah, that's because he's from my sperm. See, I knocked up this hot woman friend of ours that I fuck on the side so as to not be all the way gay, but my tubby husband here is 100% queer. He LOVES the cock.

Jay: Hey, I'll make you a deal - this guy
[points to Silent Bob]
Jay: will suck your dick off if you let us go.
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Contrary to what you believe, not everyone in Hollywood is a homosexual.
Jay: How about this deal- he'll suck my dick while you watch and jerk off.
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Alright.
[takes Jay and Silent Bob behind a wall, out of sight]
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Make it fast and sexy.
Jay: [to Silent Bob] It's either this or jail. And you know what they do to you in jail.
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: I was a guard. Alright, and after it's all over, you say "Ooh, what a lovely tea party".

Banky: Well, you're rich, you're in love
[to Jay]
Banky: Well, *you're* in love. And you've both got your own monkey. What more could two guys from New Jersey want?
Jay: Well, to have all these fucks stop talking shit about us on the Internet.
Banky: What've I been telling you? There's nothing you can do about it. Unless you show up at all their houses and beat the shit out of them.

Jay: [to Silent Bob] I said you LOVE the cock. I must be the craftiest motherfucker alive.

Jay: Man, who the fuck steals a monkey?
[Silent Bob points at the two of them]
Jay: Oh, yeah.

[contemplating whether to pull his dick out on Justice]
Devil Jay: [appears on his shoulder] What the fuck are you waiting for? She went for the set up, just reach in and pull your dick out. Girls like that shit.
[a second devil pops in on Jay's other shoulder]
Devil Jay 2: Right about here is where the angel is supposed to show up and tell you NOT to pull your dick out. But we BITCH-slapped that mother fucker and sent him packing. So it's smooth sailing from here. Let 'er rip, boy.

Jay: [singing] I can't believe I'm gonna get some pussy for stealin' the monkey.
[laughs]
Jay: Stealin' the little monkey. Man, if I woulda known that, I would have been stealin' monkeys since I was like, seven and shit.

Shannen Doherty: Fucking Miramax! Cut!
Wes Craven: Shannen, I usually say cut.
Shannen Doherty: A monkey? Wes? Jesus, you're not even trying anymore are you?
Wes Craven: The Market research says that people love monkeys.
[Jay and Silent Bob run in and grab the monkey]
Jay: WE LOVE THIS MONKEY!
[to a crew member]
Jay: Do something.
Wes Craven: See?

Jay: So all we's gotta do is stop this fuckin' movie from getting made!
Holden: Yeah, and forego the hundreds of thousands of dollars you would be entitled to in the process. What are you, fucking retarded? I mean, I don't think I'm alone in the world in imagining this flick may be the worst idea since Greedo shooting first. You know it, but... a Jay and Silent Bob movie? Feature length? Who'd pay to see that?
[Holden, Jay, and Bob look into the camera]

James Van Der Beek: [about "Dawson's Creek"] You actually watch that show?
Jay: Yeah, for Joey, man. She is too fine. Did you ever get to 3rd base with her?
James Van Der Beek: Well, actually there was this one time...

Hitchhiker: [explaining why he gives head for rides] Have you seen the price of bus tickets lately. There's no way I'm gonna cough up 200 bucks just to get to Chicago.
Jay: Fuck that, I don't wanna cough up some dude's sperm.
Hitchhiker: Don't be so suburban. It's the new millennium. Gay, straight... it's all the same now. There are no more lines.

Jay: You know, maybe one night me and Lunch Box are out we're mackin' some chick and shit, and she's, like, "Ooh, I want to suck youse guys' dicks off," and she's, like, "What your names?" And I'm, like, "Jay and Silent Bob." Reco'nize. And she's like, "Oh, I've read on the Internet that fuckin' youse guys are a couple of little fuckin' jerkoffs." And then she goes and sucks two other guys' dicks off instead. Well, FUCK that.

Jay: If today is Tuesday and the movie starts filming on Friday, we have...
[counting his fingers, holds up ten]
Jay: ...eight days.
Holden: Uh, three by my count, but close.
Jay: Right. My bad. Three days to stop that fucking movie from getting made. Come on, Silent Bob. We're going to Hollywood!

[singing outside the Stop N Go]
Jay: I'm gonna finger-bang her tight little asshole / Finger-bang and tea-bag my balls / Where, where, in her mouth / Balls a-plenty in her mouth / Balls Balls Sweaty Balls

Jay: And I can't believe fine-ass bitches like yourselves eat that shit. Don't you know fast food makes girls fart?
Brent: [getting into the van] Say, what's all this talk about farting?

Jay: Why do they call you Cock-Knocker?
Cock-Knocker: Actually, there's a funny story behind that. Ha, ha, you're gonna love this. True story!
[punches Jay in the crotch]

Jay: [singing] Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, / Mother, mother fuck, / Mother, mother fuck, fuck / Mother fuck, mother fuck, / Noise noise noise, / 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4, / Noise, noise noise / Smokin' weed, smokin' wizz, / Doin' coke, drinkin' beers, / Drinkin' beers, beers, beers, / Rollin' fattys, smokin' blunts, / Who smokes the blunts? / We smoke the blunts. / Rollin' blunts and smokin'...
Teen #2: Uh, let me get a nickel bag.
Jay: [singing] / Fifteen bucks, little man, / Put that shit in my hand, / If that money doesn't show, / Then you owe me, owe me, owe, / My jungle love, yeah, / Owe-ee, owe-ee, owe, / I think I want to know ya, know ya, / Yeah, what?
Teen #1: What the hell are you singing?
Jay: You don't know "Jungle Love?" That shit is the mad notes. Written by God herself and sent down to the greatest band in the world: The mother-fucking Time.
Teen #2: You mean the guys in that Prince movie?
[Silent Bob points to the two teens]
Teen #1: Yeah, Purple Rain.
Teen #2: Man, that shit was so gay - fucking eighties style.

Fred: [Jay and Silent Bob have hitched a ride with The Mystery Machine] Great now we solve the mystery of the hitchhiking ghouls. Pull off their masks and let's see who they really are
Velma: I don't think they are masks
Daphne: And I don't think they're hitchhiking girls either
Velma: Ghouls you fuckin' moron. Not girls
Shaggy: The only real mystery here is why we take our cues from a dick in a neckerchief
Fred: [Grabs Shaggy by the collar] Keep it up beatnik. I'll feed you to the fucking dog.
Daphne: [yells] I can't take all this fighting
Jay: Yo! Youse guys need to turn those frowns upside down.
[He pulls out a bag of marijuana joints]
Jay: We call 'em doobie snacks

Jay: What the fuck are you talking about?
Brent: Hey! Watch the language, little boy!

Jay: What the fuck are you bitches babbling about?
Brent: Hey! Watch the language, little boy!

Jay: [to Silent Bob after being hit below the belt by Cocknocker] Whoaaa... avenge me... Hemp Knight.

Jay: Zoinks, yo.
Fred: Now we can finally solve the mystery of the hitchhiking ghouls. Pull of their masks and let's see who they really are!
Velma: I don't think they are masks.
Daphne: And I don't think that they're hitchhiking girls either.
Velma: GHOULS, you fuckin' moron, not girls! I wish they were hitchhiking girls- sexy hitchhiking girls.
Fred: Let's kick 'em out! We've got a mystery to solve!
Shaggy: The only mystery here is why we take our cues from a dick in a neckerchief!
Fred: Keep it up, beatnik, I'll feed ya to the fuckin' dog!
Daphne: I CAN'T TAKE ALL THIS FIGHTING!
Jay: YO! Youse guys need to turn those frowns upside down, and I got just the thing for that... we call it... DOOBIE SNACKS!

Sissy: Shut the fuck up, before I shoot you where you stand in your pansy red booties.
Jay: [Looks down] I *AM* wearing pansy red booties
[Looks at Silent Bob]
Jay: Why the fuck didn't you tell me?

Jay: So what can a smooth pimp daddy like myself do to help the animals?
Justice: Oh... you REALLY don't wanna help us.
Jay: The fuck you talkin' about? Sure, I do. I'd do anything for you.
[Justice smiles at him]
Jay: I mean youse guys, I'd do anything for youse guys, 'cause for the lift and shit.
Justice: Okay. Well, um, let me just talk to the other girls and get back to you.
Jay: Yeah, you do that. I'll be right here waitin'.
[he kisses Justice's hand romantically; she smiles and moves to the front of the van. Jay looks at Silent Bob and smirks, but Bob mockingly imitates Jay's move. Jay slaps his face]
Jay: Fuck you, fatty.

[while trying to get comfortable at an unfamiliar gas station]
Jay: Just isn't the same, is it?
[Silent Bob shakes his head]
Jay: This place licks balls compared to the Quick Stop. Speakin' of lickin' balls, man, how 'bout that Justice chick? She is TOO fine! And she smells SO fuckin' pretty. She has a nice voice, too. And that body? Fuckin' smokin'! You know, she didn't tell me to fuck off once when I was talkin' to her, or pull out the fuckin' pepper spray or anything. You know, Lunchbox... she could be the one.

[first lines]
Silent Bob's Mother: Bobby Boy, stay here while mommy picks up the free cheese, kay? Here, this will keep the sun out of your eyes.
[puts a baseball cap on his head backwards]
Silent Bob's Mother: You be good, now.
[walks in store, then Jay and his Mom arrive]
Jay's Mother: Alright, don't you fuckin' move you little shit machine. Your Momma's going to try to score.
Passerby: What the hell? 'Scuse me. Who's watching these babies?
Jay's Mother: Uh... the fat one's watchin the little one?
Passerby: Oh yeah, nice parenting. Leave 'em out here like that and see what happens.
Jay's Mother: YO, FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING SQUARE!
Passerby: Oh yeah, keep on truckin'!
Jay's Mother: [to infant Jay] Did ya hear that fuckin' guy tellin' me how to fuckin' raise ya? What a motherfucker, man! Who the fuck does that fuckin' guy think he is? What's the worst fuckin' thing that can fuckin' happen to ya just standing outside a fuckin' store, right? Fuck!
[Jay's mother walks into the record store, leaving infant Jay and Silent Bob in their strollers]
Baby Jay: [his first words] Fuck... fuck... fuck... fuck...


Dogma (1999)
Jay: Yo man, tell me something about me.
Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.
Jay: Aw fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.
Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys.
[a shocked Silent Bob stares at Jay]
Jay: Dude, not all the time.

Jay: I know they were just kids, but we kicked their fucken pube-less asses!

Azrael: Get me a... Holy Bartender.
Bartender: Never heard of it.
Azrael: Ahh, he doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You do, don't you, Muse?
Serendipity: Don't...
Azrael: Ahh, anybody? No?
[Jay and Silent Bob shake their heads]
Azrael: Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender...
[Azrael pulls out an MAC-11, shoots the bartender repeatedly, then laughs hysterically]
Azrael: Get it?
Serendipity: [restrained by the Stygian triplets who have suddenly appeared] Sweet Jesus, Azrael why?
Rufus: Come on, demon, I wanna see you try that shit on someone who's already dead!
Azrael: Now, now, apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room. The Christ bitch will join you.
[referring to Bethany]
Jay: [face lights up] Oh... wait. I get it. Holy Bartender! Ha, ha, ha!

[repeated line]
Jay: What the shit is that?

Jay: [Bethany, Jay, and Silent Bob are sitting in a diner; the guys are staring at Bethany expectantly] So what's up? You have a friend for Silent Bob or are you just gonna do us both? If so, I'm first. I hate sloppy seconds.
Bethany: You're a man of principle. Jersey's pretty far from McHenry, may I ask what brought you here?
Jay: Some fuck named John Hughes.
Bethany: "16 Candles" John Hughes?
Jay: You know that guy too? That fuckin' guy. He made this flick, "16 Candles". Not bad, there's tits in it but no bush. But Ebert over here don't give a shit about that kind of thing, 'cause he's like, all in love with this John Hughes guy.
[Silent Bob shakes his head with a "whatever" look on his face]
Jay: He goes out and rents, like, every one of his movies. Fuckin' "Breakfast Club", where all these stupid kids actually show up for detention. Fuckin' "Weird Science", where this babe wants to take her gear off and get down, but oh no, she don't, 'cause it's a PG movie. And then "Pretty in Pink", which I can't even watch with this tubby bitch anymore 'cause every time he gets to the part where the redhead hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbin' like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit. And there's nothing worse than watching a fuckin' fat man weep.
[Silent Bob blows out his cigarette smoke angrily]
Bethany: What exactly brought you to Illinois?
Jay: See, all these movies take place in this small town called Shermer in Illinois, where all the honeys are top-shelf but all the dudes are whiny pussies. Except for Judd Nelson, he was fuckin' harsh.
[he and Silent Bob bump fists]
Jay: But best of all, there was no one dealin', man. And then it hits me: we could live like FAT rats if we were the blunt connection in Shermer, Illinois. So we collected some money we were owed and caught a bus. But you know what the fuck we found out when we got there? There IS no Shermer in Illinois. Movies are fuckin' bullshit.

Jay: Heh, me lead you? Lady look at me, I don't even know where the hell I am half the time!

Jay: Get offa me. I wanna see what's up. What the fuck is this shit? Who the fuck are you, lady? Why the fuck did you hug my head?
Metatron: Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there?
Jay: What the fuck is this, The Piano? Why ain't this broad talking?
Metatron: I believe the answers that you seek lie within my companion's eyes.
Jay: What the fuck does that mean? Has everyone gone fuckin' nuts? What the fuck happened to that guy's head? I want some...
[God kisses him on the cheek. Jay faints]

Bethany: I don't mean to sound ungrateful... but what are you doing hanging around?
Jay: We're here to pick up chicks.
Bethany: Excuse me?
Jay: We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be there unless they like to fuck?

Jay: I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked-up bar.

Rufus: You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower.
Jay: I can't wait to die.

Jay: The whole fucking world's against us, dude, I swear to God.

[Bethany decides to accompany Jay and Silent Bob to New Jersey]
Bethany: I want to go with you.
Jay: What, steady? You want to be my girlfriend OK, but Silent Bob gets to live with us and you pay the rent.

[Jay drives Bethany's car; the motor shrieks]
Bethany: What gear are you in?
Jay: "Gear"?

[Bethany and Rufus find Jay and Silent Bob at a strip club]
Bethany: What are you doing?
Jay: Proving to this bastard I ain't gay.
Bethany: What?
Rufus: Long story, forget it.

[about Azrael's neutrality in the Holy Conflict]
Jay: What are you, some kind of fucking chicken?
Azrael: No, I was an ARTIST, STUPID! I WAS INSPIRATION! A muse has no place in battle!
Serendipity: So after the fallen were banished to hell, God turned on those who wouldn't fight, and Azrael was sent down with the demons.
[mockingly]
Serendipity: Something he considers a GRAVE injustice!
Azrael: Ah, come on! Don't tell me you NEVER questioned the judgement, Serendipity.
Serendipity: No. It never bothered me. So you were an artist! Big deal! Elvis was an artist. But that didn't stop him from joining the service in time of war. And that's why he's The King, and you're a schmuck.

[Standing beside Bethany's car, its engine burned out]
Jay: Like I ever drove before...

Rufus: You are the great great great GREAT great grand-niece of Jesus Christ.
Jay: So that would make Bethany... part black?

Jay: [after he and Silent Bob join a gang and the Golgothan poop monster is heading towards them] Smoke that motherfucker like it aint no thang!

Serendipity: Bethany, you of anyone should know that tits dont make a woman. As you can see, I lack definition.
Jay: [off the screen] Hey! They're getting a free show! Let me see that shit!

Bethany: I don't know what to say... or think... except...
Jay: That you offer us sex as a reward.

Jay: All right, but let's say we're caught in a situation where we've got like five minutes to live, like a bomb or something is gonna go off. Would you fuck us then?
Bethany: In that highly unlikely situation? Yeah, sure.
Jay: She's a slut. Bunnnng.

Jay: She's fucking pissed, dude. She'll never fuck us now. Well, maybe you, but definitely not me. Let me know how she is.
Bethany Sloane: NOBODY IS FUCKING ME! YOU GOT THAT!

Jay: Guys like us just don't fall out of the fucking sky, you know.
[Rufus falls out of the sky]
Jay: Beautiful, naked, big-titted women just don't fall out of the sky, you know.

Bethany: Stall Bartleby from going into that church.
Jay: How the hell am I supposed to do that?
Bethany: Think of something.
Jay: I already did, but it takes two of us.

[after meeting God]
Jay: You want to hear something sick? I got half a stock when she kissed me.

[last lines]
Jay: [after the cast and crew credits] So... does that mean Bethany's... part black?

Rufus: Jesus wasn't white, Jesus was black.
Bethany: Well then why did he get written about and you didn't?
Rufus: Well, he IS the son of God. Kinda hard to have a New Testament without him. So you fudge a few facts, put a spin on his ethnicity. Leavin' me out's okay because you still got twelve white boys to choose from.
Jay: Are you buying any of this shit?

Jay: So do you do anal? Is it true that chicks fart if you blast 'em in the ass?

Jay: [to the Stygian triplets] Go back to your paper routes, you Mighty Duck fucks.

Jay: Smoke that motherfucker like it ain't no thang.

Jay: [waking from a dream] I didn't cum on you, Pete, I swear.

Jay: You know, I hear pregnant women can have sex until their third trimester.
Bethany: I'll keep that in mind.

Jay: No wonder he saw Jesus. Homey's rockin' the ganj.

Jay: Oh, I'm Jay, and this is my hetero-lifemate Silent Bob. I don't know who those kids were, but they would've kicked yours and Lunchbox's asses if I hadn't represented.

Jay: I fell in love wit chew. We fell in love wit chew.

Jay: Hey Big Bird? Wanna play the Counting Game? Count the shells Sucker Duck!
[proceeds to shoot off Bartelby's wings with an MAC-11]

Jay: Snoogans.

[the Stygian Triplets close in on Bethany]
Jay: Snootch to the motherfuckin' nootch!
[Jay and Silent Bob kick the Triplets' asses]

Jay: I get it! Holy Bartender! That's a great one!

Jay: You think someone threw him out of a plane with a message written on him like in Con Air? You ever see that flick?
Rufus: Aww man! That sucked!
Jay: [hiding behind silent Bob] It's the living dead! Kill it! Kill it!
Rufus: Con Air? Con Shit!

Bethany: I didn't ask you out for sex.
Jay: Well, I'll take head.

Jay: [to Bethany] If we're not gonna fuck, then what the fuck did you ask us out for?

Jay: What about sex?
Bethany: No sex.

Jay: [smoking a joint] Fuck, man, I think this shit just kicked in.

Jay: That's what you get, Mother fucker!

Jay: His piece will be rubbing inside of your armor!

Jay: Sonny, let me make a deal wit ya.

Jay: [after some time] Hahaha, Holy Bartender! I get it! That's a great one.

Bethany: You're not with the Fight-to-Lifer's?
Jay: You mean those fucks with the signs and pictures of dead babies? Shit no. Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice. A woman's body is her own fucking business.

Jay: Holy shit - you're a Jehovah's Witness! All the fine chicks that come out of that place, and we gotta get the one Jesus freak! Let's go, Silent Bob.
Bethany: No. Wait...
Jay: I'll scream rape.

Jay: We can lay here all comatose like that John Doe Jersey bastard over there, or we can get makin' with the love.
Bethany: What did you say?
Jay: 'Makin' with the love.' It's a nice way of saying boning.


Mallrats (1995)
[Jay and Silent Bob are hiding from La Fours]
Jay: Is he gone?
Brodie: Halfway to Buy Me Toys by now.
[they come out of hiding]
Jay: Man, that bastard's faster than Walt Flanagan's dog...

[beating up the Easter Bunny]
Jay: This is for Brodie!

Bob Summers: Our first suitor goes to Marymount College where he majors in economics. Say hi to Doug Paging!
Jay: DO IT DOUG!

Jay: Where do you get these wonderful toys?
[c.f. Batman (1989)]

Jay: Silent Bob stole the schematics from some foolish carpenter and found a weakness just like the fucking Death Star. You knock this crossbeam out and, fuckin' bickety-bam, the whole stage comes crashing down.
Brodie: Well we were thinking of something simple, but hey, if you want to destroy the stage, we're all for that.

Jay: [to Willam, who's struggling to see a Sailboat in the Magic-Eye picture] What you need is a fatty-boom-batty blunt! And I guarantee you'll be seeing a sailboat, an ocean, and maybe even some of those big-tittied mermaids doing some of that lesbian shit! Look at me, look at me, you sloppy bitch!

[after hitting La Fours over the head with a baseball bat]
Jay: Come son of Jor-El, kneel before Zod! Snootchie-bootchies. Ehehehehe!

Jay: [as Silent Bob is 'flying' across the mall towards the stage] Fly, Fatass, fly!

Jay: Silent Bob here's an electrical genius. He won the science fair in eighth grade by turning his mom's vibrator into a CD player using some chicken wire and shit. The mother fucker's like MacGyver. No, the mother fucker's *better than* MacGyver.

[Jay is reading a Hustler. He shows a spread to Silent Bob]
Jay: Dude, this one looks like your mom.
[Silent Bob nods]

[Jay explains the details of Operation Drive By to Silent Bob]
Jay: Phase one: First you take a run at La Fours with a sock full of quarters. I'd do it, but I pulled my back at humping your mom last night. Nootch! Okay, you clock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold. That's when phase two kicks in. I attack the structure Wolvie Berzerk style, and knock out the fuckin' pin and bickety bam, the motherfucker is rubble. Hence, no game show.

T.S. Quint: How much did you smoke?
Jay: All it took was a phat, chronic blunt. These guys were lightweights.
T.S. Quint: How much do I owe you?
Jay: My treat. As long as you promise that the next time you pop your old lady, you make her call you "Jay." Snootchie Bootchies.
T.S. Quint: Let's hope there is a next time.

Jay: Dude, you'se a mad chick magnet.

[the videotape of Shannon back-dooring Trica is playing on the big screen, with cheesy 70s porno music in background]
Shannon Hamilton: Yeah, who's your favourite New Kid. Yeah, call me Joey. Oh, come on. Don't make me get loose. Yeah, that's right. Call me Donnie. Oh, girl. Oh, please don't go girl.
Jay: Goddamn. This is one wacky game show.
Brodie: [to the cops] Hey! That girl's only 15!
[cops focus their attention on Shannon]
Shannon Hamilton: Ah, 15. I thought she was 36!
[cops are approaching him]
Shannon Hamilton: Come on, guys. Tell me you wouldn't have popped her.

[Jay explains the details of Operation Dark Knight to Silent Bob]
Jay: Okay Lunchbox, let's try this again. We tie you to the roof and you jump off and sail like a Spitfire passing right over the arch nemesis La Fours. You then swing up to the stage and knock out the pin. And when that's gone the stage is trashed and we go smoke a bowl. You got it? Now get your fat ass up there. And dude, don't forget your helmet. Snoogens.

[Silent Bob is trying to levitate a cigarette]
T.S. Quint: What's he doing?
Jay: Shithead here watched Empire and Jedi last week and ever since then, he's been trying to do the Jedi mind trick. The crazy fuck thinks he can levitate shit with his thoughts.
[slaps the cigarette out of Silent Bob's hand]
Jay: Knock it off!
Brodie: [to Silent Bob] The force is strong with this one.
Jay: Dude, don't encourage him.

Jay: You're fucking kidding me! The Easter bunny did this?
Brodie: All I said was that the Easter bunny at the Menlo Park mall was more convincing and he just jumped the railing and knocked me down.
Jay: He's fucking dead!
Brodie: Oh let it go, he's under a lot of pressure.
[T.S. and Gwen approach them]
T.S. Quint: What the hell happened?
Jay: The guy in the Easter bunny suit kicked his ass.
Brodie: I had it coming.
Jay: [to Silent Bob] Fuck all that shit! Come on, Silent Bob.
[Jay and Silent Bob leave]
T.S. Quint: What really happened?
Brodie: The proprietor of Fashionable Male beat a raincheck into my stomach.
Gwen: Shannon Hamilton?
T.S. Quint: You know that guy?
Gwen: I went out with him once after we dated. He tried to screw me some place very uncomfortable.
T.S. Quint: What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?
Brodie: Sounds like his M.O.

T.S. Quint: [to Jay and Silent Bob] You two up for getting stoned?
Jay: Look who you're asking!

Brodie: You know about this game show they got goin' on here? We need you guys to somehow ensure that it doesn't happen.
Jay: Is that it? We were gonna do that anyway.
Brodie: Really? Why?
Jay: What else are we gonna do?

Jay: [after Silent Bob 'moves' a videotape with his mind] The Jedi mind trick! Holy shit, motherfuckin' Yoda and shit!

Jay: Shit, bitch, we're gonna bust up that stage like a high school kegger. We're just gonna outwit Lafours, X-Men style.
Brodie: Should I call you Logan, Weapon-X?
Jay: No, *Wolverine*! Shnickty shnickty shnoine!
Brodie: See, what he's doing is imitating Wolverine's berserker attack with his adamantium claws.
T.S. Quint: I never would have guessed.

Jay: Bye baby kitties. Damn Silent Bob, show some heart.

Jay: [Referring to Silent Bob] Human brown-eye here's a walking calamity. We're going to have to pass on this stage trashing business, otherwise he's liable to kill himself.

Brodie: Hey guys, you'll never guess who I just met.
[looks at the two suitors on the floor off camera]
Brodie: What happened to these two?
Jay: Power of the dark side.
T.S. Quint: Wait a minute. There's only two. There's supposed to be three! What happened to the third guy?
Jay: I never saw a third guy.
[Gil enters and looks down at the two on the floor; both he and Brodie take an instant dislike to each other]
Gil Hicks: What happened to these two?
T.S. Quint: Um... they got light headed.
Jay: You got that right.
Gil Hicks: So, what's going to happen now? They going to cancel the show?
Brodie: What do you care, asshole?
Gil Hicks: I'm supposed to be on it. I'm Gil Hicks, Suitor Number Three.
T.S. Quint: We're gonna take their places. Hi. I'm T.S. Quint, this is my friend Brodie Bruce.
Gil Hicks: Hey, didn't Svenning have you arrested?
Brodie: [belligerent] Look man, don't give him any shit!

Gil Hicks: Something's going on here. Where's Mr. Svenning?
Roddy: [enters] Mr. Svenning has come down with a sudden case of depheria.
[looks down at the two guys on the floor]
Roddy: What happened to these two?
Jay: The homeboys got a case of the mad munchies!
Gil Hicks: [points to T.S] Hey, Roddy Roddy, isn't this the guy that Svenning had arrested?
Roddy: Why yes it is. All right Quint, I don't know how you got back in here, but we're postponing the start of the show until I call Mr. Svenning. You've brought down the fire, well now you've got it! Security!
Brodie: Hey, Roddy!
[Brody puches Roddy out]
Security Guard: [enters] Somebody call security? What happened here?
Brodie: Oh, these two guys got stonned and knocked this guy out. I think he needs medical attention.
Gil Hicks: That's not what happ...
[Brody stomps on Gil's foot, silencing him]
T.S. Quint: Yeah, could you get him and these two guys out of here? The show's about to start.
Security Guard: Whatever.
Brodie: [to Gil] Look asshole, just go out there with us and behave, and you'll be just fine.
[to Jay]
Brodie: Jay, when Tricia shows up here with a video tape, you give it to Silent Bob.
Jay: Check. Say, where is that tubby bitch?


Clerks II (2006)
Jay: That guy's being awfully forward with that donkey.

Elias: Since God created man, and man created the Transformers, the Transformers are like a gift from God, Randal!
Randal Graves: No sir. They are not a gift from God. They are an unholy curse from the beast we call the Desolate One.
Elias: I don't really want to hear this Randal.
Randal Graves: The First of the Fallen. The Spoiler of Virgins, the Master of Abortions!
Elias: You know I don't like to talk about dark forces Randal.
Randal Graves: [singing into P.A. microphone] Let me help you out of your chair, Grandma!
Jay: [climbing through the drive-thru window] Grandma what was it like? To be on that holiday site
Randal Graves: Late that night I awoke from my sleep.
Jay: Hearing! Unknown! Voices!
Randal Graves, Jay: Laughing insane!

Elias: Whoo! We's all gonna get drunk and get laid!
Dante Hicks: Oh my God, is Elias hammered?
Jay: Isn't it awesome? My man smoked two blunts full of skunk!
Elias: Fuck Pillowpants! Honk if you love a lot of pussy!
Jay: [looks at Silent Bob] Yo, we love pussy!
[Jay and Silent Bob blow on party favors]

Teen #1: You guys holding?
Jay: Shit, everything but coke, heroin and your cock.
Teen #2: What?
Teen #1: How 'bout a nickel bag, man?
Jay: [singing] Oh, fifteen bucks, little man, put that shit in my hand. Nong, nong, ning-a ning-a nong nong!
Teen #1: [to friend] He likes to sing.

Jay: I was outside taking a piss when I heard the news, congrats!

Jay: Thanks, Pickle Fucker!
[to Silent Bob]
Jay: Yo, some pickle fucker gave us free eats!

Jay: You should read your Bible, sirs. You'll find all types of weird shit in there. Like, did you know Jesus was a Jew?
Teen #2: [pause] Yeah.

Jay: Yo, you guys are gonna miss this shit! The big guy's gonna cornhole that ass! With his wiener!
Becky: [to Dante] Hold that thought.

[Jay hands Emma a cake]
Jay: Quick, hit that two-timing fuck with this!
[she hits Dante with the cake]
Jay: Hey, you wanna go out some time?

Becky: [on the roof about to teach Dante how to dance] Hey, Twelve-Step!
[Jay looks around confused]
Becky: Jay!
Jay: [looks up] Lord?
Becky: Up here, jackass.
Jay: [moves so he can see her] What the fuck are you doing up there? Yo, if you're gonna jump, let me get a crack at that pussy first! Lemme find out.
Becky: You still got your boombox?
[Silent Bob comes out with the boombox]
Becky: Play something and turn it way up.
[disappears, then comes back]
Becky: Something danceable!
Dante Hicks: Up here? Are you serious? You're gonna teach me to dance up here?
Becky: What? You want I should do it in front of all the customers?
Dante Hicks: What customers?
Becky: Shut up. Come over here. Okay, get ready for the music. You feel it... here. Here it comes.
[Heavy Metal begins to play. Jay and Silent Bob headbang and dance furiously]
Becky: Something a little less demonic, please?

Jay: [after Silent Bob hands Jay a Redbull, Jay drinks it and kicks it in the air] Get the FUCK outta here!

Dante Hicks: I can't believe you. I finally get my shit together. I'm hours from getting outta here, and really starting my life, and you somehow figure out a way to obliterate all that and reduce me to a convict.
Randal Graves: Oh, yeah, it's my fault your life's fucked up. "I'm the engaged guy who knocked up my boss!"
Jay: [amazed] You knocked up the guy who owns Mooby's?
Randal Graves: [chuckles, and then incredulous] What?

Randal Graves: [to Dante] You're my best friend, and I love you... In a totally heterosexual way.
Jay: [to Silent Bob] Yeah, right.

Jay: [Emma parks her SUV and gets out. Jay and Silent Bob stand in front of the graffiti on the side of the Mooby's - "Eat pussy."] Oh, we *totally* do.

Teen #2: Is that a fucking Bible?
Jay: Hey hey, the HOLY fucking Bible, son.

Jay: You know, sometimes I wish I did a little more with my life instead of hanging out in front of places selling weed and shit. Like, maybe be an animal doctor. Why not me? I like seals and shit. Or maybe an astronaut. Yeah. Like, be the first motherfucker to see a new galaxy, or find a new alien lifeform... and fuck it. And people'd be like, "There he goes. Homeboy fucked a Martian once."

Jay: [dancing to "Goodbye, Horses"] Would you fuck me?... I'd fuck me... I'd fuck me hard...

[Dante, Randal, Jay, Silent Bob, Elias and the Sexy Stud have been taken to a holding cell]
Randal Graves: Jail cell design hasn't changed much in centuries, has it? Maybe it's time they brought in the laser bars, or something.
Jay: Oh, they can make a hard plastic cage like Magneto's in X-Men 2! Nauw.
Randal Graves: Come on, dude, let's keep it in the real world, alright? But you know what wouldn't be a bad idea? Carbonite. What do you think, Dante?
[Dante looks up and glares at him, then charges at Randal, slamming him into the bars]
Dante Hicks: I think I'm gonna kill you!
Jay: What up, steel cage match!
Dante Hicks: You ruined my life!
Randal Graves: Your life was already ruined, get off of me!
Dante Hicks: What were you thinking? A fuckin' Donkey show?
Randal Graves: It was your going away present!
Dante Hicks: Sure was! I just never thought I'd be going away to prison!
Sexy Stud: Boys? You can't be imprisoned for watching an inter-species sex act. You'll walk. The worst I'll get is a huge fine for animal abuse, and alot of disgusted looks from ass-wipe conservatives who can't appreciate sexual exploration.
Sexy Stud: [as he drops into his seat in the jail cell, sighing sadly as he leans back against the bars] I miss my donkey.
Dante Hicks: I can't believe you.
Dante Hicks: I finally get my shit together, I'm hours away from getting out of here, and you somehow manage to obliterate all that and reduce me to a convict!
Randal Graves: Oh yeah, it's my fault that your life's so fucked up! I'm the engaged guy who knocked up my boss!
Jay: You knocked up the guy that owns Mooby's? Sick!
Randal Graves: Would you just shut up?

Jay: What kinda sick fuck gets turned on watching a guy fuck a donkey?

Jay: [while eating food that has piss and flies] This tastes like piss and flies, doesn't it?
Silent Bob: [nods]

Jay: You know, sometimes I wish I'd done a little more with my life instead of hangin' out in front of places, selling weed and shit. Like maybe be an animal doctor. Why not me? I like seals and shit. Or maybe be an astronaut. Yeah. And be the first motherfucker to see a new galaxy. Or find a new alien life form... And fuck it. And people would be like "There he goes. Homeboy fucked a martian once."
[Silent Bob looks at him weirdly, before two teenage drug buyers start to approach them]
Jay: Holy shit out first customers since our triumph of return, act cool.
Teen #1: You guys holdin'?
Jay: Yeah, everything but coke, heroin and your cock.
Teen #2: What?
Teen #1: How about a nicklebag?
Jay: [Improvised rapping] Oh, fifteen bucks little man, put that shit in my hand. Nong-nong-nonga-nonga-nong-nong.
[Teen #2 gives Silent Bob $15, who exchanges it for a nicklebag of weed]
Teen #1: So, ahh, haven't seen you guys in a while. Where've you been all this time?
Jay: Me and Silent Bob finally bought a car. We're cruising down to the boardwalk, fuckin' middle-town cop pulls us over for suspicion of mischief.
Teen #1: What the fuck's that mean?
Jay: Drivin' around with a deployed airbag. Cops pull us over, they find two pounds of Jamaican Landswolf. Prosecutor wants to put us away for a dime but the judge gives us rehab instead.
Teen #1: Shit, rehab?
Jay: Yep yep.
Teen #2: How long were you in?
Jay: Six months, sir. We got six months and two days on the wagon, as a good friend of Bill W's. Check it out.
[Holds up rehab token]
Jay: Just got it two days ago, before we got out.
Teen #2: Yeah but if you're holdin' all the time, aren't you gonna be tempted to get high?
Jay: Oh, not with the power of Christ on my side, sir.
[Silent Bob holds up a Holy Bible]
Teen #2: Is that a fucking Bible?
Jay: Hey, hey, the Holy fucking Bible, son.
Teen #2: [to Teen #1] What the fuck kinda song-bird Jesus-freak dealers d'you bring me to?
Teen #1: I like them, man. They're funny.
Teen #2: They're fuckin' stupid.
Jay: You should read your Bible, sirs. You'll find all types of weird shit in there. Like did you know Jesus was a Jew?

Jay: We can lend you the money under two conditions. One, we can hang out in front of your store and you can't call the cops. And two, you two have to blow each other right now. And we get to watch. And then you have to go ass to mouth.
[Dante, Randal, and Silent Bob give Jay a weirded out look]
Jay: Okay, only the first condition.


Clerks (1994)
Jay: I feel good today, Silent Bob, we're gonna make some money, then you know what we're going to do? We're gonna go to that party, we're gonna get some pussy, and I'm gonna fuck this bitch, I'll fuck this bitch, I'll fuck ANYTHING THAT MOVES!
[to a man passing by on a bicycle just off screen]
Jay: Yo, what the fuck you lookin' at? I'll kick your fuckin' ass! Shit yeah.
[to Silent Bob]
Jay: Doesn't that mother fucker owe me 10 bucks? You know, fuckin' tonight, we're gonna rip off this fucker's head, and tear out his fuckin' soul. Remind me if he tries to buy something, I'm gonna shit in the motherfucker's bag.
[to two women in a passing car just off screen]
Jay: Hey, what's up babes? What's up, sluts?

Jay: I dunno dude, that Caitlin chick's nice, but I've seen that Veronica girl doing shit for you all the time. I saw her rubbing your back, fucking comes and brings you food. Didn't I see her change your tire once?
Dante Hicks: Hey-hey, you know, I jacked up the car, all she did was unloosen the nuts and put the tire on.
Jay: I dunno, she does a lot for you.
Dante Hicks: She's my girlfriend.
Jay: I had some girlfriends too, but all they wanted from me is weed and shit. Shit my grandmother used to say 'What's better, fuckin', a good plate with nothin' on it... ' no wait I fucked up. 'What's a good plate with nothing on it?'
Dante Hicks: Meaning?
Jay: I dunno, she was senile and shit, she used to fuckin' piss herself all the time, and shit herself. Come on, Silent Bob, lets get the fuck out of this fucking jip joint, with this fucking faggot Dante, you cock smoker!

Jay: Yeah. Silent Bob, you're a rude motherfucker, you know that? But you're cute as hell. I could go down on you, suck you, line up three other guys, make like a circus seal.
[Jay makes a rude head gesture and car horn honks]
Jay: Ewww, you fucking faggot, I hate guys. I LOVE WOMEN!

[after losing a hockey ball from the roof]
Dante Hicks: Are there any balls down there?
Jay: About the biggest pair you ever seen, dingleberry!

Dante Hicks: How many times have I told you not to be dealing in front of the store?
Jay: I'm not dealin', man. What you talkin' about?
Burner Looking for Weed: Hey, you got anything, man?
Jay: Yeah, what you want?

Jay: I don't care if she's my cousin or not, I'm gonna knock those boots again tonight.

Jay: [singing] Noinch, Noinch, Noinch, Schmokin Weed, Schmokin' Weed, Doin' Coke, Drinkin' Beers...

Olaf Oleeson: [singing] My love for you is like a truck, BERZERKER! Would you like some making fuck, BERZERKER!
Jay: [snickering] That's fucking funny, man.
Jay's Lady Friend: Did he say "making fuck"?

[about Silent Bob's Russian Cousin]
Jay's Lady Friend: He only speaks Russian?
Jay: Naw, he speaks some English, but he can't all speak it good like we do.

Dante Hicks: Just go. Just go open the video store!
Jay: Yeah! Open the video store!
Randal Graves: Shut the fuck up, junkie!

Jay: Pack o' wraps, my brotherman, time to kick back, drink some beers and shmoke some weed!

Indecisive Video Customer: They say so much, but they never tell you if it's any good. Are either one of these any good? Sir?
Randal Graves: What?
Indecisive Video Customer: Are either one of these any good?
Randal Graves: I don't watch movies.
Indecisive Video Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?
Randal Graves: I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.
Indecisive Video Customer: You mean you haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these?
Randal Graves: Nope.
Indecisive Video Customer: [turns around, then shows Randal the same movies] Well, what about these two?
Randal Graves: Oh, they suck.
Indecisive Video Customer: These are the same two movies! You weren't paying any attention!
Randal Graves: No, I wasn't.
Indecisive Video Customer: I don't think your manager would appreciate it if...
Randal Graves: I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.
Indecisive Video Customer: I beg your pardon?
Randal Graves: Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to trick me.
Indecisive Video Customer: I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying.
Randal Graves: And I hope it feels good.
Indecisive Video Customer: You hope *what* feels good?
Randal Graves: I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Indecisive Video Customer: Well, this is the last time I rent here.
Randal Graves: You'll be missed.
Indecisive Video Customer: Screw you!
[leaves]
Randal Graves: [runs to the door] Hey! You're not allowed to rent here anymore!
Jay: [outside; has no idea what's going on] Yeah!

Jay: Olaf, what part of Russia you from?
Olaf Oleeson: Moscow.

Jay: Hey what you want, Grizzly Adams?


Chasing Amy (1997)
Jay: So why the long face, Horse? Banky on the rag?
Holden: I'm just, ahh, I'm just havin' a little girl trouble.
Jay: Bitch pressin' charges? I get that a lot.

Jay: [as they get up to leave] Until then, keep your unit on you.
Holden: I'll try.
Silent Bob: No, no. "Do or do not. There is no try."
Jay: Knock that shit off, we got a bus to catch! Jedi bitch.

Jay: You gotta boil it down to the essentials. It's like Cube says, "Life ain't nothin' but bitches and money."
Holden: Thanks, guys. Just what I needed. Advice from the 'hood.

Jay: [to Holden] Bitch tasted life, yo, now she's settlin' for your boring, funny-book-makin' ass.

Jay: What's that shit he's got us saying?
Silent Bob: Oh, umm... "Snootchie Bootchies."
Jay: Snootchie Bootchies. Who the fuck talks like that? That is fucking baby talk.

Jay: [about Holden] Yo... look at this morose motherfucker here! Smells like someone shit in his cereal. Bonnnggggggg!
Holden: Man, what took you guys so long? Where were you at the mall again?
Jay: Bitch don't even start, alright. We stopped that shit years ago. Toss the salad.

Jay: Come on, man. I know people who know people.
Holden: You sound like Barbra Streisand.
Jay: [about Silent Bob] That's because I got this tubby bitch playing her "Greatest Hits" tape in my ear all the time. You gotta see him, man, when she starts singing that uh... "You Don't Bring Me Flowers", this faggot starts crying like a little girl with a scraped knee and shit. Big fucking softie.

Jay: Holy fucking shit! Finger Cuffs? You're dating Finger Cuffs, you silly son of a bitch?

[last lines]
Jay: [after the end credits] Man, why do you always have to tell that fucking gay story for?
Silent Bob: Shut up.
Jay: You shut up, you fat fuck.

Silent Bob: So there's me and Amy, and we're all inseparable, right? Just big time in love. And then four months down the road, the idiot gear kicks in, and I ask about the ex-boyfriend. Which, as we all know, is a really dumb move. But you know how it is: you don't wanna know, but you just have to, right? Stupid guy bullshit. So, anyway, she starts telling me about him... how they fell in love, and how they went out for a couple of years, and how they lived together, her mother likes me better, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah... and I'm okay. But then she drops the bomb on me, and the bomb is this: it seems that a couple of times, while they were going out, he brought some people to bed with them. M&eacutenage &agrave trois, I believe it's called. Now this just blows my mind, right? I mean, I am not used to this sort of thing. I mean, I was raised Catholic, for God's sake.
Jay: Saint Shithead.
[Silent Bob elbows him; Jay motions as if to start a fight]
Silent Bob: Do something.
[to Holden]
Silent Bob: So I'm totally weirded out by this, right? And then I just start blasting her. Like... I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling, so I figure the best way is by calling her a slut, right? And tell her she was used. I'm... I'm out for blood. I really wanna hurt this girl. I'm like, "What the fuck is your problem?", right? And she's just all calmly trying to tell me, like, it was that time and it was that place and she doesn't think she should apologize because she doesn't feel that she's done anything wrong. I'm like, "Oh, really?" That's when I look her straight in the eye, I tell her it's over. I walk.
Jay: Fuckin' A!
Silent Bob: No, idiot. It was a mistake. I didn't hate her. I wasn't disgusted with her. I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small, like... like I'd lacked experience, like I'd never be on her level, like I'd never be enough for her or something like that, you know what I'm saying? But, what I did not get, she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy anymore. She was... she was looking for me, for the Bob. But, uh, by the time I figure this all out, it was too late, man. She moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was the girl, I know that now. But I pushed her away. So, I've spent every day since then chasing Amy... so to speak.

Silent Bob: [mumbling to Holden, who has just revealed his trouble with Alyssa] You're chasin' Amy.
Holden: [Shocked that Silent Bob has broken his silence] What? What did you say?
Silent Bob: You're chasing Amy.
Jay: What do you look so shocked for, man? Fat bastard does this all the time. He thinks just 'cause he doesn't say anything, it'll have some huge impact when he does open his fuckin' mouth...
Silent Bob: Jesus Christ, why don't you shut up? You're always yap-yap-yappin' all the time! You're givin' me a fuckin' headache.
[to Holden]
Silent Bob: I went through something like what you're talking about, a couple years ago with this chick named Amy.
Jay: When was this?
Silent Bob: [annoyed] A couple of years ago?
Jay: What, she live in Canada or something? How come I don't remember anyone with the name of Amy?
Silent Bob: Bitch, what you don't know about me I can just about squeeze in the Grand fucking Canyon. Did you know I always wanted to be a dancer in Vegas?

Jay: Kick her to the fuckin' curb, man. Bitches get to be too much trouble. There's always the band...
[He and Silent Bob hold up their right hands]
Jay: ... of the hand.


"Clerks: The Last Episode Ever (#1.6)" (2001)
Jay: I wanna get in line for that Caitlin chick's kissing booth.
Dante Hicks: What? Caitlin has a kissing booth, like for charity?
Jay: Yeah, only it don't cost nothing, and it's not for charity... and there's no booth... and it's more than just kissing... and you don't have to be a guy... Dude, she's cheating on you.

[Jay has been animating a rather odd episode]
Jay: Ain't I a stinker? Naga-naga-NOOTCH.

Jay: Oh, man it's whack! The president was attacked by these two pinheads that look like your parents! Then an elephant trampled the president! And Caitlin was making out with every guy whose name begins with the letter "J"!

Jay: Holy Crap! The freaks waged war on the FBI! And half the Brazilian soccer team just ate the other half! And the guy running the popcorn stand was carried off by gorillas! And Caitlin was making out with every guy whose name begins with the letter "B"!

Jay: Dude! It's chaos out there! Some hookers and vampires showed up lookin' to rent a movie, but when they saw the video store was closed, they bit the president! And there's no one running the funnel cake machine! And Caitlin lifted the alphabetical stipulations and was making out with every guy in sight!

Jay, Silent Bob, Conehead 1, Conehead 2: One of us, one of us!


"Clerks: Leonardo Leonardo Returns and Dante Has an Important Decision to Make (#1.1)" (2001)
Jay: Me and Silent Bob would just like to announce that we will officially be hanging out in front of these stores again... officially.
[Silent Bob whispers something is Jay's ear]
Jay: Oh, yeah. Snooch to the noonch.

Jay: Listen up! Me and Silent Bob would just like to announce that we quit.
Randal Graves: You don't work here.
Jay: Not any more we don't! We'll now be hanging out in front of the Quicker Stop across the street.
[they walk over to the Quicker Stop]
Jay: We'll be over here if anyone comes looking for us.
Dante Hicks: Ok.

Jay: [Sees a building] It looks like big bong.
[Sees a dog]
Jay: Hey that looks like big bong too.

[repeated line]
Jay: Youse guys wanna buy some fireworks?

Jay: Hi, I'm Jay.
Silent Bob: And I'm Silent Bob.
Charles Barkley: And I'm Charles Barkley.
Jay: What the hell are you doing here?


"Clerks: Leonardo Is Caught in the Grip of an Outbreak of Randal's Imagination and Patrick Swayze Either Does or Doesn't Work in the New Pet Store (#1.3)" (2001)
Dante Hicks: What are you going to do with a monkey?
Jay: Teach it to smoke, Duh.

[the monkey is jumping around]
Dante Hicks: What's he doing?
Jay: Nicotine fit.
[Silent Bob acts like a monkey]
Randal Graves: Well what's he doing?
Jay: Nicotine fit.

Jay: [the monkey is on Jay] Take your stinkin' paws off me, you damn dirty ape. That's from Planet of the Apes, Snoogans.


"Clerks: The Clipshow Wherein Dante and Randal Are Locked in the Freezer and Remember Some of the Great Moments in Their Lives (#1.2)" (2000)
Jay: Ooh, it's cold. Like that planet Hoth in 'Empire'.
Dante: We've already made that 'Star Wars' reference.

Jay: Give the guy a break, I remember this one time, me and Silent Bob were on the run.
[Flashback to Jay and Silent Bob running with a sofa into an alley]
Jay: [Jay and Silent Bob notice Caitlin making out with two painters]
Dante Hicks: She was with two painters?
Jay: At the same time?
Dante Hicks: I understand.
Jay: Dude, it was a three way.
Dante Hicks: What do you say we talk about...
Jay: An all painter three way, man.

Girl: It's been raining all day.
Boy: I'm bored.
Girl: I know. Let's make a movie. Take off your shirt.
Jay: Hold it kids.
Girl: Oh my gosh. It's Jay and Silly Bob.
Silent Bob: That's Silent Bob.
Boy: And NBA great, Charles Barkley.
Charles Barkley: Hey kids.
Jay: I thought we told you to get out of here.


"Clerks: Dante and Randal and Jay and Silent Bob and a Bunch of New Characters and Lando Take Part in a Whole Bunch of Movie Parodies... (#1.5)" (2001)
Guard: This entrance is for deliveries only
Jay: Oh we have a delivery, a special delivery of PAIN!
Guard: Oh, then you'll be wanting the secret entrance.

Dante Hicks: Team this is our newest team member! Meet Jay.
Jay: Snoochie boochies little noochies.
Little Kid: This guy is an idiot...


Scream 3 (2000)
Jay: Holy shit, Silent Bob, it's that TV newschick Connie fucking Chung. Hey Connie, how's Maury?
[Gale gives them the finger]
Jay: Dude, I think she likes me. Did you see how she was looking at me?


"Degrassi: The Next Generation: Goin' Down the Road: Part 1 (#4.21)" (2005)
Alanis Morisette/Principal: [to Jay and Silent Bob] You boys are too bloody stupid to make the grade down in the States and your last hope is the school system of the great white north, eh? You want to get oot of grade 12?
[Silent Bob nods vigorously]
Alanis Morisette/Principal: You better start learning what the metric system is all aboot!
Jay: I've got three words for you. Go... to...
Alanis Morisette/Principal: [smacks him across the jaw with a hockey stick] There'll be no more cuss words out of you, you potty-mouthed mallrats. You're gonna learn the dual languages of my home and native land, or you're gonna savor my poutine. 'Cuz you're in Canada now, eh?


"Degrassi: The Next Generation: Goin' Down the Road: Part 2 (#4.22)" (2005)
Manny: Jay, if you really love me, you'll wait until I'm 18.
Jay: What grade are you in?
Manny: I'm a freshman
Jay: Freshman? Are there *any* seniors here?


"Clerks: A Dissertation on the American Justice System by People Who Have Never Been Inside a Courtroom, Let Alone Know Anything About the Law, But Have Seen Way Too Many Legal Thrillers (#1.4)" (2000)
Lawyer: Your honor, if it pleases the court, we'd like to play the 911 tapes from that fateful night.
911 Operator: 911, what's your emergency?
Jay: Shut up, shut up. Yeah, we need an ambulance at 1611 Uranus Avenue. I said Uranus.
911 Operator: Sir what's your name?
Jay: Uranus. I said it again, Randal.
Randal Graves: Good one Jay. Now hang up.