Brandi
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Quotes for
Brandi (Character)
from Mallrats (1995)

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Mallrats (1995)
Brandi: [calm and nefarious tone] Second Suitor? If you were a comic book character, what character would you be?
Brodie: [caught off guard, but delighted] Wow! That's a great question. Tough one, though I mean, what does one gauge his response on? Physical prowess? Keen detection skills? The ability to banter well with super villians?
Brandi: [interupting] How's your comic book collection, Brodie?
Brodie: Oh it's goin' good. But, I mean...
Brodie: [T.S. punches Brodie's arm and shows an angry look, realizing they have been made] Oh, comics? what are you talkin' about lady? I don't collect comics! Comics are for kids!

Brandi: Suitor number 3, is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake or a jackhammer?
Gil Hicks: Definitely a jackhammer, I'm in there with some pressure and when I'm done, you're not the same as before. You're changed.
Brodie: Where do you come up with this shit? That's the cheesiest response to an honest question I have ever heard. I saw you kiss and it wasn't anything like that.
Bob Summers: [Chuckling] Suitor #2, you'll have to wait until you're addressed before you respond.
Brodie: Richard Dawson, why don't you just go back to your podium until it's time to play The Feud. All right?
[Audience laughs]
Gil Hicks: Who the hell did you see me kiss?
Brodie: Some dude backstage. I don't know who he was but he seemed unimpressed.
Gil Hicks: I didn't kiss any guy backstage. I swear. I'm not gay.
Brodie: Hey, Suitorette, this guys a homophobe. You heard how repulsed he sounded. Is this the kind of guy you want to spend a vacation with? This hate-monger?
Gil Hicks: I don't hate gay people.
Brodie: So you love them?
Gil Hicks: Yes. I mean no.
Brodie: Textbook closet case self-loather. Can't be comfortable with his own sexuality.

[At a Dating Game-like game show]
Brandi: Second suitor: if we were making whoopee, what sounds would you make?
Brodie: Wait, what's whoopee?
Brandi: You know, being intimate.
Brodie: What? Like fucking?

Brandi: Second suitor, would you ever make whoopie in public?
Brodie: I already did once today.
[clicks his finger at Renee]
Brodie: But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on a plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning around, going out of control, so he decides it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad. So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, snap! The hydraulics kick back in. The plane rights itself and it land safely and everyone puts their pieces or, whatever, you know, away and deboard. No one mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.
Gil Hicks: [beat] Well, did he cum, or what?
Brodie: Jesus *Christ*, man! There's just some things you don't talk about in public!

Brandi: Suitor Number Three, what would our first date be like?
Gil Hicks: Well, uh, first I'd take you shopping to stores you wanna shop in, and then we'd do a little lunch, probably at the Cheese Haus, followed by some golfing. And then at night, we'd take in an opera, probably Die Fledermaus, and then I'd follow it up with a drive to a secluded beach where I'd pop on the radio and we could slow-dance till the sun came up.
Brodie: That was the biggest load of crap I've ever heard! I mean, look at you. You're the kind of guy who would beg for sex. And I should know, we can smell our own.

Brandi: When I walked away, did you make any effort to repair that breach? No, you ran off and cried on the shoulder of Bumble the Boy Wonder over there.
Brodie: Boy Wonder? Hey, I'm all man, lady!

Brandi: Suitor number one. If we fell in love, how would you propose to me?
Brodie: [aside] When Jaws popped out of the water...

Brandi: If we were making whoopee, what kind of noises would you make?
Brodie: [Making a 'doggy style' motion with his hand] Rrrruff... rr... rruff...
Brodie: [Looks over at TS] You know, that's kind of a personal question, I don't think I should answer that.

Brandi: Suitor #2...
Gil Hicks: Hey, what about me?
Brodie: Aw Gil, just shut the fuck up!

Gil Hicks: Hey, do I get a chance to field any more questions?
T.S. Quint, Brandi: [in unison] NO!