Azrael
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Quotes for
Azrael (Character)
from Dogma (1999)

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Dogma (1999)
Azrael: Get me a... Holy Bartender.
Bartender: Never heard of it.
Azrael: Ahh, he doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You do, don't you, Muse?
Serendipity: Don't...
Azrael: Ahh, anybody? No?
[Jay and Silent Bob shake their heads]
Azrael: Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender...
[Azrael pulls out an MAC-11, shoots the bartender repeatedly, then laughs hysterically]
Azrael: Get it?
Serendipity: [restrained by the Stygian triplets who have suddenly appeared] Sweet Jesus, Azrael why?
Rufus: Come on, demon, I wanna see you try that shit on someone who's already dead!
Azrael: Now, now, apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room. The Christ bitch will join you.
[referring to Bethany]
Jay: [face lights up] Oh... wait. I get it. Holy Bartender! Ha, ha, ha!

[Silent Bob hits Azrael in the chest with a blessed golf-club - his chest shatters, revealing black ooze]
Azrael: But I'm a fuckin' demon.

[about Azrael's neutrality in the Holy Conflict]
Jay: What are you, some kind of fucking chicken?
Azrael: No, I was an ARTIST, STUPID! I WAS INSPIRATION! A muse has no place in battle!
Serendipity: So after the fallen were banished to hell, God turned on those who wouldn't fight, and Azrael was sent down with the demons.
[mockingly]
Serendipity: Something he considers a GRAVE injustice!
Azrael: Ah, come on! Don't tell me you NEVER questioned the judgement, Serendipity.
Serendipity: No. It never bothered me. So you were an artist! Big deal! Elvis was an artist. But that didn't stop him from joining the service in time of war. And that's why he's The King, and you're a schmuck.

Serendipity: How? That's the only thing I couldn't figure out.
Azrael: Oh no, I've seen way too many Bond movies to know that you never reveal all the details of your plan, no matter how close you may think you are to winning.

Azrael: Now if I remember my protocol correctly, the powers will attempt to contact the Last Scion - which leaves us no other recourse than to eliminate her before she enters the fray. I need you three to shuffle her loose the mortal coil,

Azrael: Quit killing people, that's high profile.
Loki: Oh, lighten up.

Azrael: No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater... than central air.

Bethany: [on Azrael] So he's a Muse too?
Serendipity: Former Muse.
[sing-song]
Serendipity: He was kicked out...
Azrael: Oh, by all means, tell them, Serendipity. Tell them how I was slighted by the Allmighty.
Serendipity: You got what you deserved, you yellow shithead.
Azrael: Ever the fucking apple polisher!

Bethany: But you'll be destroyed too.
Azrael: Human, have you ever been to hell? I'd rather not exist than endure that expirence a secound longer, and if I have to drag down everyone else with me... so be it.

Bethany: So this is all about revenge.
Azrael: After the first couple million years, escape from hell became my all consuming reason

Azrael: [to Silent Bob] Go ahead, pick it up. Call it a gift. Come on, that's it. Take a shot. Take your best fucking shot. No, I'm serious, come on, take it. Come on. Come on, bright boy.

Bartleby: Jesus Christ, Azrael - how'd you get out of Hell?
Azrael: I told them I was coming up on a routine possession.

[cf Mallrats]
Azrael: One side, red.