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: Always some white boy gotta invoke the holy trilogy. Bust this: Those movies are about how the white man keeps the brother man down, even in a galaxy far, far away. Check this shit: You got cracker farm boy Luke Skywalker, Nazi poster boy, blond hair, blue eyes. And then you got Darth Vader, the blackest brother in the galaxy, Nubian god! Banky Edwards
: What's a Nubian? Hooper
: Shut the fuck up! Now... Vader, he's a spiritual brother, y'know, down with the force and all that good shit. Then this cracker, Skywalker, gets his hands on a light saber and the boy decides he's gonna run the fuckin' universe; gets a whole clan of whites together. And they go and bust up Vader's hood, the Death Star. Now what the fuck do you call that? Banky Edwards
: Intergalactic civil war? Hooper
: Gentrification! They gon' drive out the black element to make the galaxy quote, unquote, safe for white folks. And Jedi's the most insulting installment! Because Vader's beautiful black visage is sullied when he pulls off his mask to reveal a feeble, crusty, old white man! They tryin' to tell us that deep inside we all wants to be white! Banky Edwards
: Well, isn't that true?
[Hooper pulls out his gun, shoots Banky
: Now *that*, my friend, is a shared moment.
: This is all gonna end badly.
: What is it about this girl man? You know you have no shot at getting her into bed. Why do you bother wasting time with her? Because you're Holden fucking McNeil, the most persistent traveler on the road that's *not* the path of least resistance. Everything's gotta be a fucking challenge for you and this little relationship with that *bitch* is a prime example of your fucking condition. Well, I don't need a magic 8-ball to look into your future. You want a forecast? Here, will Holden ever fuck Alyssa? Oh, what a shock, "Not fucking Likely." This relationship is affecting you, our work and our friendship and the time's gonna come when I throw down the gauntlet and say it's me or her. Then what are you gonna say? Holden
: I think you should let this one go. Banky Edwards
: No, what would you say? Would you trash twenty years of fucking friendship because you got some idiotic notion that this chick would even let you sniff her panties, let alone fuck her? Holden
: Look fucking asshole, I'm telling you, okay, let it go! Banky Edwards
: What the fuck, man! What the fuck makes this bitch all that important? Holden
: 'Cause I'm fucking in love with her, man, okay?
: Fuck you. Banky Edwards
: Not even if you let me video tape it.
: Alright, now see this? This is a four-way road, okay? And dead in the center is a crisp, new, hundred dollar bill. Now, at the end of each of these streets are four people, okay? You following? Holden
: Yeah. Banky Edwards
: Good. Over here, we have a male-affectionate, easy to get along with, non-political agenda lesbian. Down here, we have a man-hating, angry as fuck, agenda of rage, bitter dyke. Over here, we got Santa Claus, and up here the Easter Bunny. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first? Holden
: What is this supposed to prove? Banky Edwards
: No, I'm serious. This is a serious exercise. It's like an SAT question. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first? The male-friendly lesbian, the man-hating dyke, Santa Claus, or the Easter bunny? Holden
: The man-hating dyke. Banky Edwards
: Good. Why? Holden
: I don't know. Banky Edwards
] Because the other three are figments of your fucking imagination!
: All every woman really wants, be it mother, senator, nun, is some serious deep-dickin'.
: I feel a hate crime coming on.
: So, uh, what do you wanna do tonight? Banky Edwards
: I dunno. Get a pizza, watch "Degrassi Jr. High". Holden
: You got a weird thing for Canadian melodrama. Banky Edwards
: I got a weird thing for girls who say, "Aboot."
: Let me ask you a question. Can men fuck each other? Banky Edwards
: What, are you asking for my permission? Alyssa
: In your estimation. Banky Edwards
: Sure. Alyssa
: So, for you, to fuck is to penetrate. You're used to the more traditional definition. You inside some girl you duped, jackhammering away, not noticing that bored look in her eyes. Banky Edwards
: Hey, I always notice that bored look in their eyes, alright?
: [to Alyssa
] Since you like chicks, right, do you just look at yourself naked in the mirror all the time?
: Archie is *not* fucking Mr. Weatherbee!
[on his lovemaking approach
] Banky Edwards
: You gotta handle it like CNN and the Weather Channel: constant updates.
: I just have to get something. Holden
: Look, man, we miss this train, I'm gonna shitcan you and just hire Charles Schulz.
[Banky pulls out a huge stack of porno books
: Oh my God. Who are you, Larry fucking Flynt? What are you gonna do with all of those? Banky Edwards
: Read the articles. What do you think I'm gonna do with them? They're stroke books, stupid! Holden
: You've got like thirty books there! We're only going to be gone for two days! Banky Edwards
: Variety's the spice of life. I like a wide selection. Sometimes I'm in the mood for nasty close-ups, sometimes I like them arty and air-brushed. Sometimes it's a spread brown-eye kind of night, sometimes it's girl-on-girl time. Sometimes a steamy letter will do, sometimes - not often, but sometimes - I like the idea of a chick with a horse.
: How do you manage to get away with this all the time? I mean, shouldn't the cops be busting your head open right about now? Banky Edwards
: Wrong coast.
: I need to sell the image to sell the book. I mean, would the audience still buy the whole black rage angle if they found out the book was written by a... you know... Banky Edwards
: Faggot? Hooper
: When you say it, it sounds so sexy.
: What does it matter if I refer to her as a dyke? Or if I call the Whalers a bunch of faggots in the privacy of my own office, far from the sensitive ears of the rest of the world?
: I'm going to prove to you beyond the shadow of a doubt that Archie is all about pussy.
: Holden! Holden
: What? Banky Edwards
: Let's go! Holden
: You see that dent in the hood of your car? Banky Edwards
: [looks outside
] Son of a bitch!
: Everybody has an agenda, alright? Everyone.
: Okay, I'm telling you, she's never even been with a guy, much less these two fucking zeroes. Banky Edwards
: I'm telling you the bitch could be a bigger fucking germ farm than that monkey in Outbreak.
: Bring on the free hooch!
: How should I sign this? Little Kid
: I don't want you to sign it, man. I want the guy that draws Bluntman and Chronic to sign it.
[snatches the comic away
] Little Kid
: You're just a tracer. Collector
: Tell him, little shaver.
[Banky is strangling the Collector
: You're mucking with a G, you fuckin' tracer. Banky Edwards
: I'll trace a chalk line around your dead fucking body, you fuck! Holden McNeil
: [to Security Guards
] Will you get him out of here! Collector
: [as he's being dragged away by Security Guard
] Hey wait a second! He jumped me, you fucking tracer! Banky Edwards
: YOUR MOTHER'S A TRACER!
: What the fuck is going on here? Holden McNeil
: I'm starting a new page?
[Banky grabs the pen out of Holden's hand and throws it
] Banky Edwards
: Not with this shit, with you. What the fuck is going on with you and that girl? Holden McNeil
: We're just friends! Banky Edwards
: She's programming you! Holden McNeil
: I beg your pardon? Programming? Banky Edwards
: Yeah, and apparently you don't even fucking realize it!
[wanting to leave Meow Mix after learning Alyssa is gay
] Holden McNeil
: We gotta beat that traffic, huh? Banky Edwards
: What traffic? It's 1:30 in the morning! Holden McNeil
: And rush hour starts in six hours. Let's go.
: [showing one of his porno magazines to a kid at the train station
] And then, Black Beauty couldn't take it any longer and he finally did some of his own mounting.
: [playing video game
] Fucking faggot, man! Did you *see* that? Your dyke-courting ass just got me scored on.
: [after Banky just got into a fight with a fan for calling him a "tracer."
] Can I explain the audience principle to you? If you insult and accost them, then we have no audience! Banky Edwards
] He started it! Fucking cock-knocker! He's lucky I didn't put my pen through his thorax!
: So where's your better half? Banky Edwards
: Takin' a piss. The guy's got a bladder like an infant. Hooper
: That's funny. He says you're hung like an infant. Banky Edwards
: Does his mother tell him everything?
: Fucking is not limited to penetration, Banky. For me it describes any sex, when it's not totally about love. I don't love Kim, but I'll fuck her. I'm sure you don't love every girl you sleep with. Banky Edwards
: Some of them I downright loathe.
: [waves a dollar at Banky
] Here. Banky Edwards
: What? Hooper
: I want you to go down to the corner store, and buy yourself a clue.
: Catholic school girls. The uniform's what does it for me. I wish I had've went with more Catholic school girls when I was a kid. As it stands I have no, "And then she unzipped her jumper," stories.
: [to Holden
] What did I tell you? She just needs the right guy.
: How was your pseudo date? Holden
: Leave it alone. Banky Edwards
: That chick bugs me. Holden
: No, everyone bugs you.
: You seemed weirded out back there. Banky Edwards
: That was my couch you were fucking on. Holden
: Sorry. Banky Edwards
: I wanted to watch some T.V. Hard to do when your best friend's wrapped around his naked rug muncher on your couch. Holden
: She had boxers on.
: [to Holden
] You're way too conservative for that girl. She's been around and seen things we've only read about in books.
: [about Alyssa
] She's never even been with a guy. Banky Edwards
: That's what she says.
: I suppose you're both wondering why I asked you over here tonight. Banky Edwards
: I just figured you'd wanna tell her to fuck off with me here so you wouldn't have to go through the story again later. Alyssa
: Fuck you Banky Edwards
: Not even if you let me videotape it Holden
: I'm only going to tell you this once. Shut up.
: Stop the movie? Are you crazy? Jay
: All these assholes on the Internet are callin' us names because of this fuckin' stupid movie. Banky
: That's what the Internet's for, slandering others anonymously! Stopping the flick isn't gonna stop that! Jay
: This isn't fair! We came to Hollywood, I fell in love. Fuckin' we stole a monkey, we got shot at, and I got punched in the motherfuckin' nuts by a guy named Cockknocker! Banky
: You know what? I feel for you boys, I really do. But Miramax - you know, Miramax Films - paid me a shitload of money for "Bluntman and Chronic." So it occurs to me that people badmouthing you on some website is NONE OF MY FUCKING CONCERN! Silent Bob
: Oh, but I think it is. We had a deal with you on the comics, remember? For likeness rights? And as we're not only the artistic basis, but also obviously the character basis for your intellectual property, "Bluntman and Chronic," when said property was optioned by Miramax Films, you were legally obliged to secure our permission to transfer the concept to another medium. As you failed to do that, Banky, you are in breach of the original contract. Ergo, you find yourself in a VERY actionable position.
[Banky stares at Silent Bob in disbelief
: Yeah. Banky
: You guys are gonna ruin my movie career. Jay
: Well, we want somethin' for our mental anguish. Banky
: Tell you what: let's settle this monetarily. I'll give you half of what I make.
[Silent Bob's eyes widen in surprise
] Half? Banky
: Half's not enough? Fine, I'll give you two-thirds of what I make. Jay
: Fuck you, you already said half. You can't take it back.
[Silent Bob rolls his eyes
[they smile and shake hands as Silent Bob shakes his head
[after the "Bluntman & Chronic" premiere
: God, I'm so embarrassed. Hooper
: You should be. They took your intellectual property and turned it into one 90-minute long gay joke. It was like watching "Batman & Robin" all over again.
: Your friend's a fucking clown shoe, you know that? Silent Bob
: You know, after about five movies, I'm starting to realize that.
: Uh, Chaka? Hi, I'm Banky Edwards, the creator of "Bluntman and Chronic." We met a few weeks back, I'm the executive producer. Chaka
: Oh, you're the executive producer. Well, why don't you executive produce me a latte - De-Crackernated. Okay, Fucky? Banky
: Actually, it's Banky. Chaka
: No, it is Fucky.
: Well, you're rich, you're in love
: Well, *you're* in love. And you've both got your own monkey. What more could two guys from New Jersey want? Jay
: Well, to have all these fucks stop talking shit about us on the Internet. Banky
: What've I been telling you? There's nothing you can do about it. Unless you show up at all their houses and beat the shit out of them.
: [to Banky
] Wow, there's a lot of love in the room. Banky
: Regardless of what you may have heard, I do not kiss guys. Whillenholly
: Okay, play it cool, hot shot.