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Quotes for
Leonardo Leonardo (Character)
from "Clerks" (2000)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Clerks: Leonardo Leonardo Returns and Dante Has an Important Decision to Make (#1.1)" (2001)
Leonardo Leonardo: I want to offer you a job working here - for me. I want you lock, stock, and barrel.
Randal Graves: Is this some sort of gay thing?
Leonardo Leonardo: No.
Randal Graves: You're sure?
Leonardo Leonardo: Yyyyyyyyyyyes.

[repeated line]
Leonardo Leonardo: Well played, Clerks.

Leonardo Leonardo: For far too long, the Quick Stop has been a home for rampant overcharging and poorly educated, rude clerks...
Dante Hicks: You don't suppose he's talking about us?
Randal Graves: Naw.
Leonardo Leonardo: ...with names like Dante and Handal...
Randal Graves: RANDAL!

Plug: Sir, we've just received this report. Apparently, the Quick Stop is still in business.
Leonardo Leonardo: I see... bring this Quick Stop to me.
Plug: Sir, it's a store.
Leonardo Leonardo: BRING IT!
Plug: Okay... how about I just bring you the two kids that run it instead?
Leonardo Leonardo: Very well... for now!

Leonardo Leonardo: Do you like my desk? I built it myself. And I have all these pieces left.

Leonardo Leonardo: My vengeance will be neither swift nor entertaining! I will mete it out over decades, so that you will wonder if the misery in your life is manifest, the machinations of Leonardo Leonardo, or... some third thing. Good day!

Leonardo Leonardo: [On intercom] Welcome to Quicker Stop, home of both convenience and quality only, quicker. Plus a selection of high end adult magazines.
Leonardo Leonardo: While you're here, shop at our best seller department complete with its own coffee bar.
Leonardo Leonardo: Or drop by our music shop also with its own coffee bar.
Leonardo Leonardo: Or perhaps you'd rather visit our international coffee bar complete with its own little book department which has its own super teeny tiny coffee bar inside. And a selection of tiny adult magazines.
Leonardo Leonardo: And finally, as you enter the hall of mirrors, you might notice, you're not alone. For you see, I'm shopping with you.
Customer: The dead live!
[the customer freaks out and runs out of the store]
Customer: [the customer runs back inside to purchase groceries, then runs back out]
[the customer runs back in to pay for groceries, and runs back out again]
Cashier: Sir, your change.
[the customer returns for his change, and runs out with his groceries]
Leonardo Leonardo: Phase one complete.

Randal Graves: I'll bet he never ordered the dome.
Dante Hicks: You know, he offered us college.
Randal Graves: Are you kidding? I haven't seen anything more clearer in my life. Leonardo Leonardo must be destroyed.
Leonardo Leonardo: [In a room away from Dante and Randal] I can hear you, you know!
Randal Graves: It was Dante!


"Clerks: Dante and Randal and Jay and Silent Bob and a Bunch of New Characters and Lando Take Part in a Whole Bunch of Movie Parodies... (#1.5)" (2001)
Leonardo Leonardo: Kill him, Plug!
Mr. Plug: I'm only a publicist, sir.
Leonardo Leonardo: Well, then kill him... with bad publicity.
Mr. Plug: [chuckles] Sir, there's no such thing as bad publicity.
Leonardo Leonardo: Plug!
Mr. Plug: Consider it done.

[Leonardo Leonardo is at his high school reunion]
Leonardo Leonardo: Remember my story, Plug: I'm suing the government over some bad meat.
Plug: But sir, everyone already knows you're a billionaire industrialist with world domination plans.
Leonardo Leonardo: Who's suing the government over some bad meat.

[Leonardo's little league team is called "Escort Service"]
Dante Hicks: "Escort Service"?
Leonardo Leonardo: Well, actually it's supposed to be "Leonardo's Plumbing and Heating and Escort Service", but it's eight cents a letter.

Leonardo Leonardo: Care for a drink? I stole the bottle.

[after Dante sees his new little league team]
Dante Hicks: Oh, my god, the kid in the helmet.
Leonardo Leonardo: Yes. And look at him!

[Dante and Leonardo are drunk at their high school reunion]
Dante Hicks: Stupid reunion.
Leonardo Leonardo: Yeah... stupid.
Dante Hicks: Look at that. I never won a trophy. I was the manager...!
Leonardo Leonardo: I was... the manager of the...
Dante Hicks: Stupid team. I'd like to take this trophy and go baseball... good night.


"Clerks: Leonardo Is Caught in the Grip of an Outbreak of Randal's Imagination and Patrick Swayze Either Does or Doesn't Work in the New Pet Store (#1.3)" (2001)
[Randal has a box of rotten burritos]
Leonardo Leonardo: What the devil are those?
Randal Graves: Descreeto Burritos.
Leonardo Leonardo: Why are they steaming and reeking?
Randal Graves: They're the expensive kind.
Leonardo Leonardo: I must have them.


"Clerks: The Clipshow Wherein Dante and Randal Are Locked in the Freezer and Remember Some of the Great Moments in Their Lives (#1.2)" (2000)
Randal Graves: You know, if this were a sitcom, we'd probably flash back to all our old episodes.
Dante Hicks: Yeah.
Randal Graves: Say, do you remember that time Leonardo Leonardo tried to open that convenience store across the street?
Randal Graves: Oh yes. The convenience store of the future.
Leonardo Leonardo: [Flash back to Leonardo Leonardo] I give you the people of Leonardo, the future.
[Leonardo Leonardo reveals the Quicker Stop]
Dante Hicks: [Back to Dante and Randal in the freezer] I thought we were in trouble for sure.
Randal Graves: Speaking of trouble, how about that time Leonardo had us in his office?
Leonardo Leonardo: [Flashback to Leonardo talking with Dante and Randal] I want to offer you a job working here, for me. I want you lock, stock, and barrel.
Randal Graves: Is this some sort of gay thing?
Leonardo Leonardo: No.
Randal Graves: You're sure?
Leonardo Leonardo: Yyyyess...
Dante Hicks: [Back to Dante and Randal in the freezer] That was the same time.
Randal Graves: What?
Dante Hicks: That was the same time Leonardo Leonardo opened the convenience store across the street.
Randal Graves: Right. Well what about the time we broke into his office?
Randal Graves: [Flashback to Dante and Randal looking like they're trying to climb the building] We're almost there.
Dante Hicks: [a flower pot falls and breaks in between where Dante and Randal are standing] Why are walking like this?
[the camera reveals they are walking from right to left instead of climbing up]
Dante Hicks: [Back to Dante and Randal in the freezer] That was also last week.
Randal Graves: So?
Dante Hicks: So a lot more has happened to us than just last week.
Randal Graves: Oh yeah? Name something.
Dante Hicks: Do you remember the first time we met?
Randal Graves: Oh yeah.
[the same flashback]
Dante Hicks: [Back to Dante and Randal in the frezer] That wasn't the first time we met, that was last week again.