Holden McNeil
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Quotes for
Holden McNeil (Character)
from Chasing Amy (1997)

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Chasing Amy (1997)
Hooper: For years in this industry, whenever an African American character, hero or villain, was introduced - usually by *white* artists and writers - they got slapped with racist names that singled them out as Negroes. Now, my book, "White-Hatin' Coon," don't have none of that bullshit. The hero's name is Maleekwa, and he's a descendant from the black tribe that established the first society on the planet, while all you European motherfuckers were still hiding in caves and shit, all terrified of the sun. He's a strong role model that a young black reader can look up to. 'Cause I'm here to tell you, the chickens is coming home to roost, y'all. The black man's no longer gonna play the minstrel in the medium of comics and sci-fi fantasy. We keepin' it real, and we gonna get respect by any means necessary.
Holden: Ah, come on, that's a bunch of horse shit! Lando Calrissian was a black guy. You know. He got to fly the Millennium Falcon, what's the matter with you?
Hooper: Who said that?
Holden: I did! Lando Calrissian is a positive role-model in the realm of science-fiction/fantasy.
Hooper: Fuck Lando Calrissian! Uncle Tom nigger!

Alyssa: Why are we stopping?
Holden: 'Cause I can't take this.
Alyssa: Can't take what?
Holden: I love you.
Alyssa: You love me?
Holden: I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the-the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is-is-is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't-I can't look into your eyes without feeling that-that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it, 'cause I've never felt this way before, and I-I don't care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn't allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I'll accept that. But I know, I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there's a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. And all I ask, please, is that you just - you just not dismiss that, and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn't another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can't deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I am forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which - while I do appreciate it - I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.

Alyssa: You know, I didn't just heed what I was taught, men and women should be together, it's the natural way, that kind of thing. I'm not with you because of what family, society, life tried to instill in me from day one. The way the world is, how seldom it is that you meet that one person who just *gets* you - it's so rare. My parents didn't really have it. There were no examples set for me in the world of male-female relationships. And to cut oneself off from finding that person, to immediately halve your options by eliminating the possibility of finding that one person within your own gender, that just seemed stupid to me. So I didn't. But then you came along. You, the one least likely. I mean, you were a guy.
Holden: Still am.
Alyssa: And while I was falling for you I put a ceiling on that, because you *were* a guy. Until I remembered why I opened the door to women in the first place: to not limit the likelihood of finding that one person who'd complement me so completely. So here we are. I was thorough when I looked for you. And I feel justified lying in your arms, 'cause I got here on my own terms, and I have no question there was some place I didn't look. And for me that makes all the difference.
Holden: [pause] Well, can I at least tell people all you needed was some serious deep dicking?

Banky Edwards: What is it about this girl man? You know you have no shot at getting her into bed. Why do you bother wasting time with her? Because you're Holden fucking McNeil, the most persistent traveler on the road that's *not* the path of least resistance. Everything's gotta be a fucking challenge for you and this little relationship with that *bitch* is a prime example of your fucking condition. Well, I don't need a magic 8-ball to look into your future. You want a forecast? Here, will Holden ever fuck Alyssa? Oh, what a shock, "Not fucking Likely." This relationship is affecting you, our work and our friendship and the time's gonna come when I throw down the gauntlet and say it's me or her. Then what are you gonna say?
Holden: I think you should let this one go.
Banky Edwards: No, what would you say? Would you trash twenty years of fucking friendship because you got some idiotic notion that this chick would even let you sniff her panties, let alone fuck her?
Holden: Look fucking asshole, I'm telling you, okay, let it go!
Banky Edwards: What the fuck, man! What the fuck makes this bitch all that important?
Holden: 'Cause I'm fucking in love with her, man, okay?

Banky Edwards: Alright, now see this? This is a four-way road, okay? And dead in the center is a crisp, new, hundred dollar bill. Now, at the end of each of these streets are four people, okay? You following?
Holden: Yeah.
Banky Edwards: Good. Over here, we have a male-affectionate, easy to get along with, non-political agenda lesbian. Down here, we have a man-hating, angry as fuck, agenda of rage, bitter dyke. Over here, we got Santa Claus, and up here the Easter Bunny. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first?
Holden: What is this supposed to prove?
Banky Edwards: No, I'm serious. This is a serious exercise. It's like an SAT question. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first? The male-friendly lesbian, the man-hating dyke, Santa Claus, or the Easter bunny?
Holden: The man-hating dyke.
Banky Edwards: Good. Why?
Holden: I don't know.
Banky Edwards: [shouting] Because the other three are figments of your fucking imagination!

Holden: So, uh, what do you wanna do tonight?
Banky Edwards: I dunno. Get a pizza, watch "Degrassi Jr. High".
Holden: You got a weird thing for Canadian melodrama.
Banky Edwards: I got a weird thing for girls who say, "Aboot."

Jay: So why the long face, Horse? Banky on the rag?
Holden: I'm just, ahh, I'm just havin' a little girl trouble.
Jay: Bitch pressin' charges? I get that a lot.

Jay: [as they get up to leave] Until then, keep your unit on you.
Holden: I'll try.
Silent Bob: No, no. "Do or do not. There is no try."
Jay: Knock that shit off, we got a bus to catch! Jedi bitch.

Alyssa: So, you've never been curious about men?
Holden: Curious about men? Well, I always wondered why my father watched Hee Haw.

Banky Edwards: I just have to get something.
Holden: Look, man, we miss this train, I'm gonna shitcan you and just hire Charles Schulz.
[Banky pulls out a huge stack of porno books]
Holden: Oh my God. Who are you, Larry fucking Flynt? What are you gonna do with all of those?
Banky Edwards: Read the articles. What do you think I'm gonna do with them? They're stroke books, stupid!
Holden: You've got like thirty books there! We're only going to be gone for two days!
Banky Edwards: Variety's the spice of life. I like a wide selection. Sometimes I'm in the mood for nasty close-ups, sometimes I like them arty and air-brushed. Sometimes it's a spread brown-eye kind of night, sometimes it's girl-on-girl time. Sometimes a steamy letter will do, sometimes - not often, but sometimes - I like the idea of a chick with a horse.

Holden: How do you manage to get away with this all the time? I mean, shouldn't the cops be busting your head open right about now?
Banky Edwards: Wrong coast.

Holden: If this is a crush, I don't think I could take it if the real thing ever happened.

Jay: You gotta boil it down to the essentials. It's like Cube says, "Life ain't nothin' but bitches and money."
Holden: Thanks, guys. Just what I needed. Advice from the 'hood.

Holden: Okay, I've had my finger up my ass. I wouldn't say I've had anal sex.

Banky Edwards: Holden!
Holden: What?
Banky Edwards: Let's go!
Holden: You see that dent in the hood of your car?
Banky Edwards: [looks outside] Son of a bitch!

[about Banky's argument with his grade school religion teacher]
Alyssa: How bad could it have been?
Holden: Well, have you ever seen a nun call a small child a fucking cunt rag?

Holden: Okay, I'm telling you, she's never even been with a guy, much less these two fucking zeroes.
Banky Edwards: I'm telling you the bitch could be a bigger fucking germ farm than that monkey in Outbreak.

Holden: Sorry about him, he's, uh, he's dealing with being an inker.
Alyssa: Oh... you trace.

[Banky is strangling the Collector]
Collector: You're mucking with a G, you fuckin' tracer.
Banky Edwards: I'll trace a chalk line around your dead fucking body, you fuck!
Holden McNeil: [to Security Guards] Will you get him out of here!
Collector: [as he's being dragged away by Security Guard] Hey wait a second! He jumped me, you fucking tracer!

Banky Edwards: What the fuck is going on here?
Holden McNeil: I'm starting a new page?
[Banky grabs the pen out of Holden's hand and throws it]
Banky Edwards: Not with this shit, with you. What the fuck is going on with you and that girl?
Holden McNeil: We're just friends!
Banky Edwards: She's programming you!
Holden McNeil: I beg your pardon? Programming?
Banky Edwards: Yeah, and apparently you don't even fucking realize it!

Fan: I love these guys! You know what? They're like Bill and Ted meet... Cheech and Chong!
Holden McNeil: Yeah. I-I kinda like to think of them as Rosencrantz and Guildenstern meet Vladamir and Estragon.
Fan: Yes!
Fan: Who?

[wanting to leave Meow Mix after learning Alyssa is gay]
Holden McNeil: We gotta beat that traffic, huh?
Banky Edwards: What traffic? It's 1:30 in the morning!
Holden McNeil: And rush hour starts in six hours. Let's go.

Holden: Oh no, here's the big test. Quick Stop.
Alyssa: My best friend fucked a dead guy in the bathroom.
Holden: You know that girl?
Alyssa: I did, before she was committed.

Holden: They fuckin' used you!
Alyssa: No! I used them! You don't think I would've let it happen if I hadn't've wanted to? Do you? I was an experimental girl for Christ sake! Maybe you knew early on that your track was from point A to B, but unlike you I was not given a fucking map at birth, so I tried it all! That is until we, that's you and I, got together and suddenly I was sated!

Alyssa: [about Holden's new comic, "Chasing Amy"] Looks like a very personal story.
Holden: I finally had something personal to say.

Holden: [after Banky just got into a fight with a fan for calling him a "tracer."] Can I explain the audience principle to you? If you insult and accost them, then we have no audience!
Banky Edwards: [shouting] He started it! Fucking cock-knocker! He's lucky I didn't put my pen through his thorax!

Holden: It all goes back to something my grandmother told me when I was a kid. "Holden," she said, "the big bucks are in dick and fart jokes." She was a church goer.

Holden: You gotta respect that kind of display of affection, you know what I mean? Sure, it's crazy, it's rude, it's self-absorbed, but, uh, you know, it's love.

Alyssa: I remember those guys used to come over to my house almost everyday after school. They'd bug my sisters, look through my dad's closet for porno tapes, raid the fridge. They really took advantage of my parents never being home. This one day, Rick pulled his dick out and started chasing me around the house with it! Right in front of Cohee, man! I couldn't believe it!
Holden: Rick pulled his dick out? Really? What did you do?
Alyssa: [yells] I blew him while Cohee fucked me!
Holden: Excuse me?
Alyssa: That's what you wanted to hear, isn't it? That's what this little cross-examination of yours is all about? God! Well, next time, try not to make it so obvious, alright? There's subtler ways of badgering a witness! Am I right?
Bystander: Jeez, man. Even I knew what you were getting at.
Alyssa: If you wanted some background information on me, Holden, all you had to do was ask. I would have gladly volunteered it. You didn't have to go playing Hercule-fucking-Poirot!
Bystander: [to his friend] I told you these were good seats!

Holden: Alyssa from last night Alyssa?
Hooper: How do you begin and end a question with the same word like that? You got skill.

Hooper: Wait, wait. There's something you should know.
Holden: She's got a boyfriend?
Hooper: Well, no.
Holden: Then what's to know, my friend? What's to know?

Holden: [on the phone] What's up? I'm about to get on a train.
Alyssa: Oh, why?
Holden: Last minute invite to the Boston Cup.
Alyssa: Shit.
Holden: What?
Alyssa: Well my sister's at my parents and I was gonna go see her.
Holden: The one that wrote the book?
Alyssa: Yeah. But I was staying all weekend, I wanted to hang out with you. This sucks.
Holden: You know, umm... both of us don't have to go.
Holden: Really?
Holden: Yeah. Banky can do this by himself. And you know, it's not like we're on panels. It's just a signing appearance.
Alyssa: If you come and pick me up, I'll be your best friend.
Holden: Where's your apartment?

Holden: So what did you do last night?
Alyssa: Got laid.
Holden: [Skee ball flies out of his hand and breaks a pinball machine]

Banky Edwards: How was your pseudo date?
Holden: Leave it alone.
Banky Edwards: That chick bugs me.
Holden: No, everyone bugs you.

Holden: You seemed weirded out back there.
Banky Edwards: That was my couch you were fucking on.
Holden: Sorry.
Banky Edwards: I wanted to watch some T.V. Hard to do when your best friend's wrapped around his naked rug muncher on your couch.
Holden: She had boxers on.

Holden: [about Alyssa] She's never even been with a guy.
Banky Edwards: That's what she says.

Hooper: So what if it is true? Does it bother you?
Holden: Sex with multiple partners? At the same time?
Hooper: [gasps sarcastically]

Jay: [about Holden] Yo... look at this morose motherfucker here! Smells like someone shit in his cereal. Bonnnggggggg!
Holden: Man, what took you guys so long? Where were you at the mall again?
Jay: Bitch don't even start, alright. We stopped that shit years ago. Toss the salad.

Jay: Come on, man. I know people who know people.
Holden: You sound like Barbra Streisand.
Jay: [about Silent Bob] That's because I got this tubby bitch playing her "Greatest Hits" tape in my ear all the time. You gotta see him, man, when she starts singing that uh... "You Don't Bring Me Flowers", this faggot starts crying like a little girl with a scraped knee and shit. Big fucking softie.

Silent Bob: [mumbling to Holden, who has just revealed his trouble with Alyssa] You're chasin' Amy.
Holden: [Shocked that Silent Bob has broken his silence] What? What did you say?
Silent Bob: You're chasing Amy.
Jay: What do you look so shocked for, man? Fat bastard does this all the time. He thinks just 'cause he doesn't say anything, it'll have some huge impact when he does open his fuckin' mouth...
Silent Bob: Jesus Christ, why don't you shut up? You're always yap-yap-yappin' all the time! You're givin' me a fuckin' headache.
[to Holden]
Silent Bob: I went through something like what you're talking about, a couple years ago with this chick named Amy.
Jay: When was this?
Silent Bob: [annoyed] A couple of years ago?
Jay: What, she live in Canada or something? How come I don't remember anyone with the name of Amy?
Silent Bob: Bitch, what you don't know about me I can just about squeeze in the Grand fucking Canyon. Did you know I always wanted to be a dancer in Vegas?

Holden: I suppose you're both wondering why I asked you over here tonight.
Banky Edwards: I just figured you'd wanna tell her to fuck off with me here so you wouldn't have to go through the story again later.
Alyssa: Fuck you
Banky Edwards: Not even if you let me videotape it
Holden: I'm only going to tell you this once. Shut up.

[at a Skee-ball arcade]
Alyssa: And this is where you take straight chicks on dates.
Holden: What, are you kidding? This place is like Spanish Fly! This'll probably be the first time I don't score afterwards.
Alyssa: I don't know, I'm starting to feel a tingle in my bottom.

Holden: I want us to be something that we can't be.
Alyssa: And what's that?
Holden: A normal couple.

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001)
Holden: If the buzz is any indicator, that movie's gonna make some huge bank.
Jay: What buzz?
Holden: The Internet buzz.
Jay: What the fuck is the Internet?
Holden: The Internet is a communication tool used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another.

Jay: Do they say who's fuckin' playing us in the movie?
Holden: No, but it's Miramax. So I'm sure it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. They put those guys in a bunch of movies.
Jay: Who?
Holden: You know, those kids from Good Will Hunting?
Jay: You mean that fuckin' movie with Mork from Ork in it?
Holden: Yeah, I wasn't a big fan either... but Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms".
Jay: Word, bitch, Phantoms like a motherfucker.
Holden: What's up now.

[Reading a message off the Internet]
Holden: Fuck Jay and Silent Bob. Fuck them up their stupid asses.

Holden: Why in God's name would I wanna keep writing about characters whose central preoccupation are weed and dick and fart jokes? I mean, ya gotta grow man. Don't you ever want anything more for yourself? I know this poor hapless son of a bitch does. I look into his sorry doe eyes and I just, I see a man crying out. He's crying out, "When Lord? When the fuck can your servant ditch this foul-mouthed little chucklehead to whom I am a constant victim of his folly, so much so that it prevents him from ever getting to kiss a girl! Fuck! When, Lord when? WHENS GONNA BE MY TIME?"

[the C.L.I.T. is being discussed on TV]
Holden: Nights like this... I miss dating a lesbian.

Holden: Well, look at these morose motherfuckers right here. Looks like somebody shit in their cereal... Bong.

Holden: Nothing. The Internet has given everybody in America a voice. For some reason, everybody decides to use that voice to bitch about movies.

Jay: So all we's gotta do is stop this fuckin' movie from getting made!
Holden: Yeah, and forego the hundreds of thousands of dollars you would be entitled to in the process. What are you, fucking retarded? I mean, I don't think I'm alone in the world in imagining this flick may be the worst idea since Greedo shooting first. You know it, but... a Jay and Silent Bob movie? Feature length? Who'd pay to see that?
[Holden, Jay, and Bob look into the camera]

Jay: If today is Tuesday and the movie starts filming on Friday, we have...
[counting his fingers, holds up ten]
Jay: ...eight days.
Holden: Uh, three by my count, but close.
Jay: Right. My bad. Three days to stop that fucking movie from getting made. Come on, Silent Bob. We're going to Hollywood!

Holden: This is a site populated by militant movie buffs: sad, pathetic little bastards living in their parents' basement downloading scripts and what they think is inside information about movies and actors they claim to despise yet can't stop discussing.