Bartleby
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Quotes for
Bartleby (Character)
from Dogma (1999)

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Dogma (1999)
Bartleby: Ladies and gentlemen, you have been judged guilty of sinning against our almighty God, and I promise you, you shall pay for your trespasses, in blood!
[he rips open his shirt to reveal a silver breastplate]
Bartleby: Wings, now.
Loki: I'm feeling a little exposed here...
Bartleby: DO IT!

Bartleby: "I do believe in this." What does that mean?

Gun Salesman: We call this piece the Fecalator. One look at it and the target shits him or herself. Try it on.
Loki: Well, it's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but it's not nearly as impressive. Just doesn't have that Wrath-of-the-Almighty edge to it. I mean, come on, how am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this thing? Look at this...
Bartleby: Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste, like.
Loki: Easy for you to say. You get off light in razing. You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gomorrah, I had to do all the work.
Bartleby: What work did you do? You lit a few fires.
Loki: I rained down sulphur, man, there's a subtle difference.
Bartleby: Oh, yeah, I'm sure.
Loki: Hey, you know, fuck you, man. Any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire. Raining down sulphur is like an endurance trial man. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer.

Nun: Let me get this straight: you don't believe in God because of "Alice in Wonderland"?
Loki: No, "Through the Looking Glass". That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter," that's an indictment of organized religion. The walrus, with his girth and his good nature, he obviously represents either Buddha, or, or with his tusks, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha. That takes care of your Eastern religions. Now the carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter's son, he represents the Western religions. Now in the poem, what do they do? What do they do? They, they dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensures the destruction of one's inner being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions out of, out of fear of some, some intangible parent figure who, who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says, and says, "Do it... do it and I'll fuckin' spank you."
Bartleby: [Bartleby is listening from a nearby seat]
[quietly]
Bartleby: Oh, geez...
Nun: The way you put it... I never really thought about it like that before. What have I been doing with my life? What am I...
Loki: Yeah, I know. Listen, my advice to you: you take this money that you've been collecting for your parish, go get yourself a nice dress, you know? Fix yourself up. Find some man, find some woman, that you can connect with, even for a moment, 'cause that's really all that life is, Sister. It's a series of moments. Why don't you seize yours?
[the nun hesitates, then smiles, nods, and leaves]
Loki: That-a girl. Ah.
[he turns around and sits next to Bartleby with a grin on his face]
Bartleby: You know, here's what I don't get about you. You know for a fact that there is a God. You've been in His presence. He's spoken to you personally. Yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist.
Loki: I just like to fuck with the clergy, man. I just love it, I love to keep those guys on their toes.

[Loki & Bartleby enter a crowded elevator]
Loki: Last four days on Earth? Hm! If I had a dick, I'd go get laid. We can do the next best thing.
Bartleby: What's that?
Loki: Well, let's kill people.
[woman standing between them chokes on her coffee]
Loki: [chuckling, to woman, as the elevator doors close] Oh, not you.

Bartleby: You know, maybe you're wrong about this slaughter thing. How can you even be sure what incurs the Lord's wrath these days? Times change. I remember when eating meat on a Friday was supposed to be a Hell-worthy trespass.
Loki: The major sins never change. Besides, you know, I can spot a commandment-breaker from, like, a mile away. So, bet on it.
Bartleby: This from the guy who still owes me 10 bucks over that bet about what was gonna be the bigger movie - "E. T. " or "Krush Groove"?
Loki: You know, fuck you, man, 'cause time's gonna tell on that one.
[brief pause]
Loki: What, are you insinuating that I don't have what it takes anymore?
Bartleby: Insinuating, no. Flat-out telling you.

Bartleby: [while Loki is laying waste to the Mooby board room, Bartelby is sitting in the lounge reading "Mooby Magazine"] I cant believe we forgot about the magazine.

Loki: [to the female Mooby employee after shooting the board members] Gum? Oh these guys, they were fakes You're a pure soul. You have nothing to worry about.
[holds his gun up]
Loki: But you did not say "God bless you" when I sneezed.
Bartleby: [yelling off camera] LOKI!
Loki: You're getting off light!

Bartleby: Your hard-on for smiting has prevented us from negotiating what should be the relatively simple matter of catching or staying on a bus.

Bartleby: The humans have besmirched everything bestowed on them. They were given Paradise, they threw it away. They were given this planet, they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors, and some of them don't even believe He exists. And in spite of it all, He's shown them infinite fucking patience at every turn. What about us? I asked you... once to lay down the sword because I felt sorry for them. What was the result? Our expulsion from Paradise. WHERE WAS HIS INFINITE FUCKING PATIENCE THEN? IT'S NOT RIGHT, IT'S NOT FAIR. We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time? Don't you think its time we went home? and to do that, I think we have to dispatch of our would-be dispatchers.

[to Loki]
Bartleby: Quit leering at me. People are gonna think I just broke up with you.

Bartleby: Hello, we'd like two tickets to New Jersey, please.
Bus Station Attendant: Jersey's sold out, sir.
Loki: What?
Bus Station Attendant: There's one at the same time tomorrow. I suggest you not underestimate the staggering drawing power of the Garden State, and show up two hours in advance.

[to the female board member]
Loki: You're a pure soul... but you didn't say "God bless you" when I sneezed.
[raises his gun to the female board member's head]
Bartleby: Loki!
Loki: [angrily] You're getting off light.
[as he leaves the board room]
Loki: You're so lucky.

Bartleby: You are responsible for raising an icon which draws worship from the Lord. You have broken the first commandment. Not only that, I'm afraid not a one of you passes for a decent human being. Your continued existence is a mockery of morality. Like you, Mr. Burton. Last year cheated on your wife of 17 years 8 times. You even had sex with her best friend while you were supposed to be home watching the kids.
Loki: In the bed that you and your wife share, no less.
Bartleby: Mr. Newman - you got your girlfriend drunk at last year's Christmas party and then paid a kid from the mail room to have sex with her while she was passed out, just so you could break up with her guilt-free when she sobbingly confessed in the morning. She killed herself two months later. Mr. Brace disowned his gay son. Very compassionate, Mr. Brace. Mr. Ray put his mother in a third-rate nursing home and then used the profits from the sale of her home to buy an oriental rug for himself. Heavens. Mr. Barker flew to Thailand on the company account to have sex with an eleven year old boy. Mr. Holtzman okayed the production of Mooby Dolls from materials he knew to be toxic and unsafe, because it was - survey says? - less costly.
[sees the female board member]
Bartleby: You, on the other hand, are an innocent. You lead a good life. Good for you. But you, Mr. Whitland, you have more skeletons in your closet than the rest of this assembled party. I cannot even mention them aloud.
[whispers something in Whitland's ear]
Loki: You're his father, you sick fuck.
[Whitland starts crying]

Bartleby: I'm going to have to start off by apologizing for my friend, he has a penchant for the dramatic.

Loki: Is this why I had to come down here this morning, man? Is this why I had to miss my fucking cartoons? You call me, you tell me it's important, you know. What, to share in your half-assed obsession with Hallmark moment?
Bartleby: We're going home. Somebody sent us this in the mail.

Bartleby: [to the parishioners] Prepare to taste God's wrath.

Bartleby: [to Officer McGee] Mr. McGee, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Loki: Wait, so all I gotta do, I walk through the arch thing... and then I can go back home?
Bartleby: No. By walking through the archway, all your sins are forgiven. Then all we have to do is die.
Loki: Die? I don't wanna die!
Bartleby: What, you'd rather hang around here for a few more eons?
Loki: No! We don't even know if we CAN die.
[Bartleby looks exasperated]
Loki: All right, but what if we can and then, and then the arch thing doesn't work? What then? Hell? Fuck that.
Bartleby: It's possible.
Loki: Fuck that!
Bartleby: If we cut off our wings, transubstantiate to complete human form, we become mortal. If we die with clean souls, there's no way they can keep us out. We won't be angels anymore, but at least we get to go home.
Loki: Who sent the paper?
Bartleby: Who cares who sent the paper? All that matters is that after all these years, we found a loophole! They can't keep us out anymore! And once we get back in, I'm sure they'll just forgive and forget.
Loki: But this thing is, this is... this is... this is church law. It's not divine mandate. Catholic Church laws are fallible because they're created by man.
Bartleby: One of the last sacred promises imparted to Peter, the first Pope, by the Son of God before He left was... "Whatever you hold true on earth..."
Loki: "I'll hold true in heaven."
Bartleby: It's dogmatic law. The Catholic Church says it's so, God must adhere, this thing has a papal sanction...
Loki: Let it never be said that your anal-retentive attention to detail never yielded positive results.
Bartleby: You can't be anal-retentive if you don't have an anus.
Loki: Outstanding work!

Bartleby: Jesus Christ, Azrael - how'd you get out of Hell?
Azrael: I told them I was coming up on a routine possession.

Bartleby: Don't... See, don't let your sympathies get the best of you, they did me once. Scion or not, she's still just a human, and by passing through that arch, our sins are forgiven, no harm, no foul.
Loki: My God... I've heard a rant like this before.
Bartleby: What did you say?
Loki: I've heard a rant like this before.
Bartleby: Don't you fucking do that to me!
Loki: You sound like the Morning star.
Bartleby: You shut your fucking mouth!
Loki: You do! You sound like Lucifer, man! You've fucking lost it! You're not talking about going home, Bartleby, you're talking about fucking *war* on *God* Well, *fuck* that! I have seen what happens to the proud when they take on the Throne! I'm going back to Wisconsin
Bartleby: [Slams Loki into a wall] We're going home, Loki. And no one, not you, not even the Almighty Himself, is gonna make that otherwise.

Bartleby: Do I come off as gay?