Quotes for
Statler (Character)
from "The Muppet Show" (1976)

"The Muppet Show: (#1.1)" (1976)

Statler: The question is, what is a muh-nah-muh-nah?
Waldorf: The question is, who cares?

Waldorf: He's doing it! He's eating a tire!
Statler: Amazing!
Waldorf: Astounding!
Statler: Boooor-ing!

Waldorf: She just vanished! How did she do that?
Statler: Probably like this.
[vanishes]

Waldorf: More! More!
Statler: Less! Less!

Statler: Hey, Waldorf, I was wondering if maybe you...
[continues to move his lips]
Waldorf: Darn, I'd better get some new batteries for my hearing aid.
Statler: Ha ha ha! I fool him every time!
[Waldorf punches Statler in the jaw]

Waldorf: Well, what did you think?
Statler: Beats sitting around watching television.
Mahna Mahna: Mahna Mahna!

---

A Muppet Family Christmas (1987) (TV)

Statler: We'd *love* to see your act.
Waldorf: But we'd hate to *miss* your act.
Statler: In fact, we'd love to *hate* your act!
[they cackle]

Snowman: Hey Fozzie.
Fozzie Bear: Yes, Mr. Snowman?
Snowman: Did you hear about the church that burned down?
Statler, Waldorf: Holy smoke!
[they cackle]

Statler: Well, you know what they say...
Waldorf: If you can't stand the heat, get outta the farmhouse!
[they laugh]

Statler: These two comics were made for each other.
Waldorf: Hm?
Statler: The snowman's ice cold, and the bear's not so hot!
[they laugh]

---

Muppet*vision 3-D (1991)

Waldorf: Hey, hey, what's going on?
Sweetums: Bean Bunny ran away!
Statler: Well, you know what that makes him...
Waldorf, Statler: SMARTER THAN US!

Statler: Well, what do you think?
Waldorf: Do we have time to go to the bathroom before the next show?
Statler: We can't. We're bolted to the seats!

[first lines]
Statler: Hey, Waldorf, what is this anyway?
Waldorf: Oh, it's one of those 3-D movies. Better put on your glasses.
[Statler does so]
Statler: [looking at the audience] Hey, check out the guy in the Goofy mask.
Waldorf: That's no mask.
Statler: Ooops. Sorry, lady!

Statler: Oh, no, it's that bear again.
Waldorf: Hey, bear, you're not even funny in 3-D!
[they laugh]
Fozzie Bear: Oh, no, not you guys. How'd you get here?
Statler: We entered a contest.
Waldorf: Yeah, and we lost.

---

"The Muppet Show: (#1.2)" (1976)

[guest star Connie Stevens has just finished singing "Close to You"]
Waldorf: I'd like to get close to Connie Stevens. But I'm already close to something else.
Statler: What's that?
Waldorf: Ninety.

Statler: I love it! I love it!
Waldorf: Of course he loves it; he's the kind of guy who plants poison ivy.

Statler: [after Connie Stevens sings 'Teenager In Love'] How poignant, I remember being a teenager in love.
Waldorf: Yeah, but Queen Victoria wouldn't have you.

Statler: You think this show is educational?
Waldorf: Yes, it will drive people to read books.

---

"The Muppet Show: (#2.13)" (1977)

Statler: You know, the older I get, the more I appreciate good music.
Waldorf: Yeah? What's that got to do with what we just heard?
Statler: Nothing, just thought I'd mention it.

Statler: You know, there's nothing like grand opera.
Waldorf: Yep, and that was nothing like it.

Statler: That really offended me. I'm a student of Shakespeare.
Waldorf: Ha! You were a student *with* Shakespeare.

---

The Muppet Movie (1979)

[first lines]
Statler: I'm Statler.
Waldorf: I'm Waldorf. We're here to heckle "The Muppet Movie".
Gate Guard: Gentlemen, that's straight ahead. Private screening room D.
Statler: Private screening?
Waldorf: Yeah, they're afraid to show it in public.
[they laugh as their car proceeds forward]

Statler: I like the movie fine so far.
Waldorf: It hasn't started yet.
Statler: That's what I like about it.
[they laugh]

Statler: Well, how do you like the film?
Waldorf: I've seen detergents leave a better film than this.

---

"The Muppet Show: (#2.3)" (1977)

Statler: Hey, Berle.
Milton Berle: What?
Statler: You know what? I've just figured out your style.
Milton Berle: Really?
Waldorf: You work like Gregory Peck.
Milton Berle: Gregory Peck's not a comedian.
Waldorf: Well...
Milton Berle: Now, just a minute. I have been a successful comedian half of my life.
Waldorf: How come we got this half?

Milton Berle: Look, did you come here to be entertained or not?
Statler: That's right.
Milton Berle: What's right?
Statler: We came in here to be entertained, and we're not.

Milton Berle: I dare you both to come down here to entertain.
Waldorf: Yeah, we should.
Milton Berle: Do you sing?
Waldorf: No.
Milton Berle: Do you dance?
Statler: No.
Milton Berle: Do you get laughs?
Waldorf: No.
Milton Berle: Then what would you do?
Waldorf: Just what you're doing!

---

"The Muppet Show: (#3.4)" (1978)

Statler: Why did they want the igloo?
Waldorf: I don't know. Maybe somebody must have broken their ig.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: There. I have just placed on Gilda's forehead a single, teensy, weensy drop of Muppet's new super adhesive. Now we'll wait a moment for it to get tacky.
Statler: What are we waiting for?
Waldorf: For it to get tacky.
Statler: Another first for this show.
Waldorf: How's that?
Statler: It's the first time we've had to wait for it to get tacky.

Waldorf: Well, that must be the glue, all right.
Statler: Well, what glue is that?
Waldorf: The one they mend the ig with.

---

The Muppets Take Manhattan (1984)

Statler: Hey, look, Waldorf. It's the frog and the pig.
Waldorf: Yeah, it looks like they're in love.
Statler: Yeah.
Waldorf: Kinda makes you sick, doesn't it?
[they laugh]
Waldorf: Woo-hoo!
Statler: Hey, lovey doveys!
Waldorf: Hubba, hubba!

Statler: Well, Waldorf, they finally made it to Broadway.
Waldorf: Yes, and I already bought tickets.
Statler: Are they good seats?
Waldorf: Sure are. They're on the next train out of town.

---

The Great Muppet Caper (1981)

Statler: I guess all's well that ends well.
Waldorf: Doesn't matter to me, as long as it ends.

Statler: Hey, Waldorf. Wake up. Here come the bikinis!
Waldorf: Oh, boy! We better synchronize our pacemakers.

---

The Muppets at Walt Disney World (1990) (TV)

Fozzie Bear: That's what we call a Disney joke.
Statler: No, that's what we call a dismal joke.
Fozzie Bear: Oh, please guys, stop trying to make a fool of me!
Waldorf: You don't need our help for that.
Fozzie Bear: You think you're so funny?
Statler: Well, we know you're not so funny.

Waldorf: Are we the wrong generation for this kind of comedy?
Statler: No, the wrong species.

---

"The Muppet Show: (#1.7)" (1976)

Waldorf: Hey, listen, all your impressions sound the same.
Fozzie: I can't help that. They were all written by the same writer.
Statler: He's got a point there.
Waldorf: Yeah, on his head.

Statler: I loved it!
Waldorf: So what? You also loved World War II!

---

Muppets from Space (1999)

[Miss Piggy runs by]
Statler: Is breakfast over?
Waldorf: No, why?
Statler: 'Cause I think the bacon just ran out.

Statler: I wonder if there really is life on other planets?
Waldorf: What do you care? You don't have a life on this planet.

---

"The Muppet Show: (#2.10)" (1977)

Statler: Well, there it is. Your basic Latin number.
Waldorf: Actually, that's your basic Pig Latin number.

Waldorf: How do they do it?
Statler: How do we watch it?
Waldorf: Why do we watch it?
Statler: [to audience] Why do *you* watch it?

---

Muppet Treasure Island (1996)

Statler: "Take a cruise," you said. "See the world," you said. Now here we are, stuck on the front of this stupid ship.
Waldorf: Well, it could be worse. We could be stuck in the audience.

Statler: Waldorf, you old fool! We're heroes! We saved the pig and the frog.
Waldorf: Well, it was too late to save the movie.

---

"The Muppet Show: (#3.23)" (1979)

Statler: Well, I've seen a lot of versions of Robin Hood, but none to match this one.
Waldorf: How's that?
Statler: The others were all good.

Statler: The legend of Robin Hood will never die.
Waldorf: No, but it sure got wounded pretty badly tonight.

---

"The Muppet Show: (#3.12)" (1978)

Waldorf: That seemed like something very different.
Statler: Did you like it?
Waldorf: No.
Statler: Than it wasn't different.

Waldorf: What was that?
Statler: It's called the medium sketch.
Waldorf: The medium sketch?
Statler: Yeah, it wasn't rare, and it certainly wasn't well done.

---

"The Muppet Show: (#3.14)" (1978)

Waldorf: I've got half a mind to leave.
Statler: If you had half a mind, you wouldn't be here.

---

"The Muppet Show: (#3.9)" (1978)

Waldorf: Greek music, very appropriate for the pigs.
Statler: The pigs are from Greece?
Waldorf: The pigs are greasy.

---

"The Muppet Show: (#1.19)" (1976)

Statler: That number scared the pants off of me.
Waldorf: Are you sure you didn't just forget to put them on again?

---

"The Muppet Show: (#3.18)" (1978)

Waldorf: Have we ever said that this show is for the birds?
Statler: Yes, and we'll keep saying it until it gets a laugh.

---

The Muppets: A Celebration of 30 Years (1986) (TV)

[first lines]
Fozzie Bear: Yes, I know it's hard to believe, but the Muppets are 30 years old!
Waldorf: [to Statler] That's okay with me. I love being 30!
Statler: You old fool, your pacemaker's older than that!

---

"The Muppet Show: (#2.6)" (1977)

Waldorf: Well, how do you feel about nudity?
Statler: Well, personally, it always left me cold.

---

"The Muppet Show: (#3.22)" (1978)

Cow: Moo!
Statler: No, "boo".
Cow: Boo!

---

"The Muppet Show: (#1.8)" (1976)

Waldorf: Eh, this show is good for what ails me.
Statler: Well, what ails ya?
Waldorf: Insomnia.

---

"The Muppet Show: (#1.13)" (1976)

Statler: This show brought a tear to my eye...
Waldorf: Really?
Statler: Yeah, I'm sitting on a tack.

---

"The Muppet Show: (#1.22)" (1976)

Waldorf: I remember Ethel Merman in the opening of "Panama Hattie".
Statler: You're old enough to remember Teddy Roosevelt at the opening of the Panama Canal.

---

It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie (2002) (TV)

Statler: [Up in the balcony, Statler and Waldorf make fun of Pepe's bad jokes] Hey, the shrimp's floundering!
[Statler and Waldorf both laugh]
Pepe the Prawn: You shut-up okay?
Statler: He told us to clam up!
Waldorf: What's he want to do? Mussle us?
[Both laugh again]
Pepe the Prawn: Don't get me steamed okay!
Statler: Steamed shrimp!
Waldorf: Oh, pass the cocktail sauce!
[Both laugh]
Pepe the Prawn: That's it. I'm coming up there!
[Leaves the stage to go to the balcony]
Statler: Whoooaaa... I'm shaking!
Waldorf: You're always shaking.
[He laughs and Statler grumbles]

---

The Muppets' Wizard of Oz (2005) (TV)

Waldorf: There's only two things I don't like about lion's jokes.
Statler: What's that?
Waldorf: My ears.

---

"The Muppet Show: (#2.1)" (1977)

Statler: This show is awful!
Waldorf: Terrible!
Statler: Disgusting!
Waldorf: See you next week?
Statler: Of course.

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