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Quotes for
Rizzo (Character)
from The Great Muppet Caper (1981)

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Muppet Treasure Island (1996)
Rizzo: What's wrong?
Gonzo: It just feels so weird.
Rizzo: You mean that Mr. Arrow's dead?
Gonzo: Yeah, that... and my pants are filled with starfish.
Rizzo: You and your hobbies.

Rizzo: Terrific. Captured by crazed wild pigs and sacrificed hideously before a pagan altar.
Gonzo: Are we lucky or what?

Rizzo: He's some kind of a blind fiend.
Gonzo: I believe they prefer visually challenged fiend.

Rizzo: He died? And this is supposed to be a kids' movie.

[Billy Bones has apparently died]
Rizzo: He died? And this is supposed to be a kids' movie!
Billy Bones: [Billy Bones suddenly wakes up and, without opening his eyes, grabs Gonzo's nose to pull him closer] Jimmy-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim! You've always been a decent sort to old Billy Bones.
Gonzo: I'm not Jimmy-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim.
[Nods at Jim]
Gonzo: *He's* Jimmy-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim.
Billy Bones: [Billy Bones grabs Jim's shirt and pulls him closer] Jim?
Jim Hawkins: Yes, Captain?
Billy Bones: Jimmy-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim!
Jim Hawkins: Yes, Captain, what is it?

Jim Hawkins: [sung] I look around here and I want to cry.
Rizzo: Ah, me too.
Jim Hawkins: [sung] I feel like the world is passing me by.
Gonzo: It is.
Jim Hawkins: [sung] And I just can't help but wonder am I doomed to wash and dry? And is it a curse I'm under to do it till I die.
Gonzo: Oh, I hope not.
Jim Hawkins: [sung] When I could be an explorer...
Gonzo: Sure you could.
Jim Hawkins: [sung] ... sailing off to distant lands...
Gonzo: Wait! Not so fast.
Jim Hawkins: [sung] ... 'stead of spending every afternoon just getting dishpan hands. My future looks like nowhere that I want to be.
Jim Hawkins, Rizzo, Gonzo: [sung] There's got to be something better, something better...
Jim Hawkins: [sung] There's got to be something better than this for me.

Captain Abraham Smollett: Where to, Captain Hawkins?
Jim Hawkins: To wherever the wind may take us!
Gonzo: Off to Zanzibar to meet the Zanzibarbarians!
Rizzo: Oh, brother! Here they go again!

Rizzo: I've gone way beyond afraid. Right now I'm somewhere between bedwetting and a near death experience.

[Jim and Gonzo have been listing the different directions of the compass and what lies that way]
Mrs. Bluberidge: To the northwest dirty dishes!
Gonzo: How does she do that?
Jim Hawkins: Might as well start. I'll wash.
Rizzo: I'll dry.
Gonzo: I'll break.

Rizzo: If you're going to be the cook on this ship, Mr. Silver, I am definitely going to need bigger pants.

Jim Hawkins: That's the raging volcano? He's a frog.
Rizzo: Hey, hey, maybe he gets hopping mad.

Jim Hawkins: I hate my life.
Gonzo: I hate your life, too.
Rizzo: If I had a life, I'd hate it.

Jim Hawkins: Kill Captain Smollett, and you'll have to kill me.
Gonzo: Kill Jim, and you'll have to kill me.
Squire Trelawney: Kill Gonzo, and you'll have to kill me.
Rizzo: Kill Squire Trelawney and Mr. Bimbo, and you'll have to... negotiate strenuously.
[Silver turns to try to escape only to run into Benjamina and a gang of pigs]
Benjamina Gunn: Going somewhere, John-John?
Long John Silver: Well, Master Hawkins, it seems your little family has come together against me.

Rizzo: You know, the ocean. The big blue wet thing.

Squire Trelawney: Well, gentlemen, this is definitely a genuine bona-fide treasure map.
Jim Hawkins: Really?
Squire Trelawney: Oh, yes. Mr. Bimbo told me so.
[pause]
Squire Trelawney: Oh, Mr. Bimbo lives in my finger. He's very smart. He's been to the moon.
[puts finger to his ear]
Squire Trelawney: Oh, thank you... twice.
Rizzo: I smell a bozo.

Rizzo: [greeting rat tourists into the ship] Alright folks, have your checks made out to Rat Cruises Limited. Remember: We put the "rat" in "pirate".

[Trelawney tosses brandy out the window for the third time; screams; two annoyed rats appear at the window]
Rat with Pipe: You wanna knock it off with the booze? It's peeling the paint off of the shuffleboard court.

Rizzo: We're standing in a room where the DEAD GUYS ROAM! Aaaaaah!

Gonzo: [singing] Every storm we ride is its own reward.
Rizzo: [singing] And people die by falling overboard.

Rizzo: [after Jim and Long John leave] Well, it looks like the human beings wanna hang out together. Don't wanna hang out with a rat and a... uh... um...
Gonzo: Whatever.
Rizzo: Yeah!

Gonzo: Rizzo! You lost all the bullets!
Rizzo: Well, you're losing the powder!

Rizzo: I got the bullets! Here they are! They
[he lifts the bang by the bottom, so all the bullets spill out the top and off the shelf]
Rizzo: Whoops!

Mr. Samuel Erroll: By the way, that Silver fellow, may not be trustworthy.
Rizzo: [to Gonzo] Ha ha. Now he tells us.

Rizzo: [Billy Bones has just died] We are standing in a room with a dead guy!


Muppets from Space (1999)
[Ed is examining Gonzo]
Ed Singer: No nostrils. How do you smell?
Rizzo the Rat: Awful. Trust me, I'm his roommate.

Gonzo: Rizzo, come here, my Cap'n Alphabet is sending me a message: R U There.
Rizzo: Are you sure it didn't say "you need help"?

Gonzo: I had that weird dream again.
Rizzo the Rat: You mean the one with the goat and the dwarf and the jar of peanut butter?

Gonzo: Hey, Rizzo, come here! I think my Kap'n Alphabet is sending me a message.
Rizzo the Rat: Yeah, I know what you mean. I had some guacamole last night, and it's still speaking to me.

Rizzo: What? I cannot believe that little shrimp left us behind!
Pepe: I am not a shrimp. I am a king prawn!

Gonzo: Rizzo?
Rizzo: No, it's Santa, but I forgot my reindeer.

Gonzo: I'm an alien!
Rizzo: What, have you been tap-dancing on the barbecue again?

Gonzo: Rizzo?
Rizzo: Gonzo?
Miss Piggy: Kermy?
Kermit: Piggy?
TV Producer: What is going on here?

TV Producer: Gonzo, you've got it.
Rizzo: Sure wish we could find a cure for it.

Rizzo: I don't like the look of those guys. This rat smells a rat.
Agent Barker: [to Gonzo] The limo is right this way.
Rizzo: Did he say limo? Wait a second, I'm his translator. Hold up!

Agent Barker: We feel your pain, Gonzo.
Gonzo: They feel my pain!
Rizzo: I've got a paper-cut that's a doozy. You feel my pain, too?

Ed Singer: [puts on glove] May I?
Rizzo: I think before you answer that question you'd better be real clear on the final destination of that finger.

Rizzo: How you doin', Ed?
Fast Eddie: Well, I ain't dead.

Dr. Tucker: From this moment on, if I say you're hungry, you eat. If I say you're sleepy...
Rizzo: I eat?

[Gonzo appears on live TV]
Clifford: Hey, you better get down there, Kerm.
Kermit: Relax. No one is going anywhere, okay?
Gonzo: [on TV] You see, I was contacted through my breakfast cereal, and then it was confirmed to me by the Cosmic Fish that I am definitely from outer space.
Rizzo: So you want to go now, or wait for the commercial?
Kermit: Now.

Kermit: What is he doing up there?
Rizzo: His breakfast cereal told him to sit up there.
Clifford: Talk about whole grain and nuts.

Rizzo: Are you telling me we came out here in the middle of the night for a stupid egg?
Pepe: Sh! It could be full of chocolate, okay.

Gonzo: What a great day.
Kermit: Mm-hmm.
Gonzo: That was probably the best day of my whole life. There's just one thing I still don't understand.
Kermit: What's that, Gonzo?
Gonzo: Why did they ask me to build a jacuzzi?
Rizzo, Pepe: [snickering]

Gonzo: [Gonzo wakes up from a bad dream and sits upright, accidentally sending a hammock-sleeping Rizzo flying out the window] I don't wanna be alone!
Rizzo the Rat: You're not alone.
Gonzo: Who said that?
Rizzo the Rat: Gee, I don't know. Maybe it's the rat who's hanging out of the window!

Gonzo: [as Rizzo is hanging out the window] Rizzo?
Rizzo the Rat: No, it's Santa. But I forgot my reindeer.

Gonzo: I had that weird dream again.
Rizzo the Rat: The one with the goat and the dwarf and the jar of peanut butter?


The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)
Gonzo: Hello! Welcome to the Muppet Christmas Carol! I am here to tell the story.
Rizzo the Rat: And I am here for the food.

Rizzo the Rat: Light the lamp, not the rat, light the lamp, not the rat! Put me out, put me out, put me out!
Gonzo: Oh! My apologies! Um...
[Suddenly spotting a barrel of water below the lamp post]
Gonzo: Rizzo!
Rizzo the Rat: What?
["Mr Dickens" pushes Rizzo so he falls into the water barrel]

[Gonzo and Rizzo are flying over London]
Gonzo: [Thrilled] Hello, London!
Rizzo the Rat: [Scared] Goodbye, lunch!

Rizzo the Rat: Mother always taught me: "Never eat singing food."

Rizzo the Rat: There are two things in this life I hate: heights, and jumping from them.
Gonzo: Too late now. Come on, I'll catch you.
Rizzo the Rat: God save my little broken body!
[Jumps and falls to the ground. He looks at Gonzo]
Gonzo: Missed.
Rizzo the Rat: Oh wait a second... I forgot my jellybeans. Um...
[Slides through the bars to retrieve them, and joins Gonzo back on the other side. Gonzo stares at him]
Rizzo the Rat: What?
Gonzo: You can fit through those bars?
Rizzo the Rat: Yeah...
Gonzo: You are such an idiot.

Ebenezer Scrooge: What right have you to be merry? You're poor enough.
Fred: What right have you to be dismal? You're rich enough.
Rizzo the Rat: He's got 'im there. The old boy's speechless!
Ebenezer Scrooge: If I could work my will, every idiot who goes around with "a Merry Christmas" on his lips would be cooked with his own turkey and buried with a stake of holly through his heart!
Rizzo the Rat: Well, not quite speechless.

Rizzo the Rat: Rats don't understand these things.
Gonzo: You were never a lonely child?
Rizzo the Rat: I had twelve hundred and seventy four brothers and sisters.
Gonzo: Boy! Rats don't understand these things!

Rizzo the Rat: Boy, that's scary stuff! Should we be worried about the kids in the audience?
Gonzo: Nah, it's all right. This is culture!

[Scrooge has met the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come]
Rizzo the Rat: Oh, this is too scary. I don't think I wanna see any more!
Gonzo: When you're right, you're right.
[turning to face the audience]
Gonzo: You're on your own, folks. We'll meet you at the finale!
Rizzo the Rat: Yeah!

[Rizzo and "Mr. Dickens" are sitting on the window ledge outside Scrooge's bedroom]
Rizzo the Rat: [looking around] Um, are you sure it's safe for us to be up here?
Gonzo: Scrooge is saved. What can happen now?
Rizzo the Rat: Yeah.
[Scrooge opens the window, knocking Rizzo and "Mr. Dickens" off the ledge]

Gonzo: He was a tight-fisted hand at the grindstone, Scr...
[noticing the smudged window of Scrooge's office]
Gonzo: Boy, this really *is* a dirty city!
Rizzo the Rat: Heh, you're tellin' me!
[Gonzo grabs Rizzo and uses him to wipe off the window pane]
Rizzo the Rat: [sarcastically] Thank you for makin' me a part of this!
Gonzo: [dropping Rizzo] He was a tight-fisted hand at the grindstone, Scrooge: a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, clutching, covetous old sinner.

Gonzo: Once again, I must ask you to remember that the Marleys were dead, and decaying in their graves.
Rizzo the Rat: Yuck!
Gonzo: [whispering] That one thing you must remember, or nothing that follows will seem wondrous.
Rizzo the Rat: Why are you whispering?
Gonzo: It's for dramatic emphasis.

Rizzo the Rat: [falls down a chimney ignoring Gonzo] Hey! I'm stuck! Get me out of here!
Gonzo: I knew you weren't suited for literature.

Gonzo: My name is Charles Dickens.
Rizzo the Rat: And my name is Rizzo the Rat... wait a second! You're not Charles Dickens!
Gonzo: I am too!
Rizzo the Rat: No! A blue furry Charles Dickens who hangs out with a rat?
Gonzo: Absolutely!
Rizzo the Rat: Charles Dickens was a 19th Century novelist! A genius!
Gonzo: Oh, you are too kind!
Rizzo the Rat: Why should I believe you?
Gonzo: Well, because I know the story of A Christmas Carol like the back of my hand!
Rizzo the Rat: Prove it!
Gonzo: All right! Um, there's a little mole on my thumb, and um, a scar on my wrist from when I fell off my bike...
Rizzo the Rat: No, no, no, don't tell us your *hand*, tell us the *story*!

Rizzo the Rat: I fell down the chimney and landed on a flaming hot goose!
Gonzo: You have all the fun!

Rizzo the Rat: How do you know what Scrooge is doin'? We're down here and he's up there!
Gonzo: I told you, storytellers are omniscient; I know everything!
Rizzo the Rat: Hoity-toity, Mr. Godlike Smarty-Pants.
Gonzo: To conduct a proper search, Scrooge was forced to light the lamps.
[the lamps come on]
Rizzo the Rat: How *does* he do that?

Rizzo the Rat: Oh, Gonzo, speak to me! I mean, Mr. Dickens. Charlie! Are you hurt?
Gonzo: [gets up] To say that Scrooge became startled would be untrue. Still the moment had passed, and the world was as it should be.
Rizzo the Rat: He ain't hurt. Didn't even lose his concentration.


The Muppets at Walt Disney World (1990) (TV)
Security Guard: Rats!
Rizzo the Rat: You called?
Security Guard: Ah! Don't do that!

Rizzo the Rat: Hey, you know, this ice cream's really good. Now all we need is some root beer.
Security Guard: Will you stop eating and help me capture the Muppets?
Rizzo the Rat: Hey, I can't scheme on an empty stomach, but if you want to capture the Muppets, you gotta watch for the weird an unusual.
[the guard's phone rings]
Security Guard: [on his phone] Fitzwaller here. World Showcase? A Scandinavian Cook? And a guy with a bucket on his head?
Rizzo the Rat: Bullseye!

Security Guard: You're not so dumb for a rat.
Rizzo the Rat: Hey, I guess we're even now. You're not so smart for a person.


The Muppets Take Manhattan (1984)
Rizzo the Rat: What's this supposed to be?
Pete: Is grits! Grits! Hominy grits!
Rizzo the Rat: How should I know how many? Count 'em yourself.

Rizzo the Rat: [Rizzo walks by with a plate of food] Gangway! Coming through! Hey Watch it, will ya?
Fozzie Bear: Hey, that waiter's a rat!
Floyd: I'm glad we got no money, now I got no appetite.

Rizzo the Rat: Ok, what'll ya have?
Floyd: The number for The Board Of Health!


It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie (2002) (TV)
The Great Gonzo: [Gonzo into a walkie talkie] Gonzo to Scooter, Gonzo to Scooter. Bring home the bacon. Over.
Scooter: 10-4. Bacon down. Bacon down.
Rizzo the rat: [pulls on string trying to lift down Miss Piggy] Roger. Bacon down. Bacon down.
Miss Piggy: Will you hurry up? Don't make me miss my cue!
Scooter: The ham is jammed. Repeat the ham is jammed.

Rizzo the rat: Gonzo, I sold my collection of rare cheese to buy you this crystal petri dish for your mold collection.
The Great Gonzo: Oh. Uh, gee, Rizzo. I sold my mold collection to buy you this diamond-tipped cheese slicer.
Rizzo the rat: Did you save the receipt?


"Muppets Tonight: Cindy Crawford (#1.5)" (1996)
Rizzo the Rat: [Rizzo is miked to feed Bobo romantic lines to Cindy Crawford. Then Rizzo's cousins return from the fair] Hey, that's a nice set of balloons you got there. Maybe you'll let me play with 'em, later.
Bobo the Bear: Maybe you'll let me play with them later?
Cindy Crawford: What?
[punches Bobo in the snout]

Rizzo the Rat: [feeding Bobo romantic lines via an earpiece] Cindy, to me, you are like the nuts and berries of the forest.
Bobo the Bear: Cindy, to me, a nut like you should be burried in the forest.


Muppet Classic Theater (1994) (V)
Rizzo the Rat: Ladies and gentlemen, the elves have left the building!

Rizzo the Rat: Hey, a story about Elvis?


Muppet*vision 3-D (1991)
Sam the Eagle: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it is my honor to present to you... Mr. Mickey Mouse!
Rizzo the Rat: [singing to the tune of the Mickey Mouse Club March] Oh, Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da! Hi there, welcome to my park, how'ya doin'...
Sam the Eagle: Wait a minute! You are not Mickey Mouse! You are a rat!
Rizzo the Rat: Rat, schmat! Besides, they're tourists. What do they know?

Scooter: Uh, ladies and gentlemen, if you could just step as far forward and close together as you can.
Rizzo the Rat: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, real close. You see, we're doing research on deodorant strength.
Scooter: Rizzo, you're disgusting.
Rizzo the Rat: Hey, it's a gift.


Muppets Most Wanted (2014)
Walter: Do you guys think that Kermit's been acting a little weird lately?
Miss Piggy: That's ridiculous! He's never been so caring and devoted to me!
Rizzo: Yeah, that's what we are saying!


A Muppets Christmas: Letters to Santa (2008) (TV)
Pepe the Prawn: We'd love to help you take those letters to Santa.
Rizzo the Rat: But our flying unicorns are at the shop.


The Great Muppet Caper (1981)
Fozzie: Hey, Kermit, I'm getting hungry.
Gonzo: Call room service.
Kermit: There's no phone.
Rizzo the Rat: That's OK, there's no food, either.


Muppets Treasure Island (1996) (VG)
Rizzo the Rat: We're standing... in a room... with a dead guy... AAAAHHHHHHH!