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Quotes for
ALF (Character)
from "ALF" (1986)

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Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue (1990) (TV)
Gordon 'ALF' Shumway: You use, you lose!

Michael: [Alf shows Michael what he will look like in the future, via a mirror] Who is that?
Gordon 'ALF' Shumway: Well, it's not Freddy Krueger. This is you. Pretty pitiful, huh?

Theodore: [shocked after discovering that Michael stole Corey's piggy bank] I can't believe it! Corey's own brother?
Gordon 'ALF' Shumway: Wally never did this sort of thing to The Beav.

Gordon 'ALF' Shumway: [after emerging from a picture frame on Corey's dresser after her piggy bank is stolen] You wanna help track down the thief, Garfield?
Garfield: [Garfield is a lamp] Hey, going through life with a blue lampshade is work enough. Wake me when the lasagna comes.
Gordon 'ALF' Shumway: [yanks the lamp attachment off Garfield] Let me rephrase that: do you wanna help, or do you wanna be lunch?
Garfield: [salutes and climbs off the dresser] My luck to be stuck on a dresser with a pushy alien.

Gordon 'ALF' Shumway: The sound of a breaking piggy... if ever I've heard one.
Garfield: Two sounds you can't miss: The sound of a breaking piggy, and the sizzle of hot lasagna.

Theodore: What's all this for?
Alvin: Either someone's conducting a major chemistry experiment, or this is a serious no-no.
Gordon 'ALF' Shumway: Toto, something tells me we're not in cartoon territory anymore.

Gordon 'ALF' Shumway: That kid's got a one-way ticket to Nowheresville.
Theodore: Simon suspects drugs.
Pooh: Oh, my!
Slimer: Ooh! That's bad moves!
Alvin: Michael needs our help!
Slimer: Then let's help him!

[Michael sees himself on his deathbed]
Michael: It's- it's me. This is my future?
Daffy Duck: It is if you don't get off those drugs!
[some cartoon characters visit and help Michael]
Gordon 'ALF' Shumway: You use, you lose!
Baby Piggy: Listen to us! We care about you, Mikey!
Bugs Bunny: What's up, doc, is your life, if you don't cut it out.
Kermit: There's nothing cool about a fool on drugs!
Huey, Dewey, Louie: [altogether] Just believe in yourself!
Michaelangelo: Yeah! You're excellent just the way you are! Without drugs!
Michael: [scared] HOW DO I GET OUT OF HERE?
[a door back to Michael's room appears in front of him and the characters]

Gordon 'ALF' Shumway: [as he and Michael approach a mirror] What do you see?
Michael: Me. I see me.
Gordon 'ALF' Shumway: Wrong!
[blows a whistle]
Gordon 'ALF' Shumway: Flag on the play! Ten point penalty!
[ALF spins the mirror and shows Michael's future reflection]
Michael: Who's that?
Gordon 'ALF' Shumway: Well, it's not Freddy Krueger. This is you. Pretty pitiful, huh? You see, drugs aren't you pal, pal. They're your enemy, storming the battlements, trying to take control.
Michael: I can quit if I want to! I'm in charge of my life!
Gordon 'ALF' Shumway: Wrong! Not if you're on drugs.

Project: ALF (1996) (TV)
[the military is playing a video of one of the tests done on ALF]
ALF: This one is definitely the Pepsi.

[Mullican and Hill have kidnapped ALF and put him in a mail bag]
Dr. Mullican: Don't look now, the mail's awake.
ALF: What's going on? Oh, wait, now I remember, I'm being kidnapped by humans. There's a switch.

ALF: [ALF is strapped into an electric chair] I take it this isn't the word association test.
Dr. Warner: No, no. We're going to conduct a different test.
ALF: I'm not sure I like the word 'conduct'.
Dr. Warner: [after ALF looks at a High Voltage sign] Oh, pay no attention to that sign, it shouldn't even be there. I'll remove it if it bothers you.
ALF: It bothers me.
[Warner gets electrocuted when trying to remove the sign and falls over]
ALF: [as Warner begins to sizzle on the floor] Medic. Medic.

Military Researcher: Good morning. I'm Dr. Carnage.
ALF: Yikes.
Military Researcher: Yikes yourself.

[some time after Dr. Warner was electrocuted]
Dr. Newman: Hello, Alf, I'm Dr. Newman.
ALF: No need to ask who you're replacing.
Dr. Newman: We're going to try a little game called numeric sequencing.
ALF: Does involve electric shock?
Dr. Newman: Absolutely not.
ALF: Forgive me if I'm still paranoid, there's still a silhouette burned into the linoleum.

Dr. Stanley: Let's try some word association. I'll say a word and you say whatever pops into your mind.
ALF: Food.
Dr. Stanley: I haven't said anything yet.
ALF: Nothing interesting, at least.
Dr. Stanley: Sit.
ALF: I am sitting.
Dr. Stanley: No, that's the first word: sit.
ALF: Oh, um... food.
Dr. Stanley: Sunrise.
ALF: Breakfast.
Dr. Stanley: Square.
ALF: Meal.
Dr. Stanley: Left.
ALF: Overs.
Dr. Stanley: Should we stop and get you something to eat.
ALF: I could use a little snack.

Dr. Mockton: Hello, I'm Mockton. I'm going to show you some inkblots.
ALF: Does this involve electric shock?
Dr. Mockton: Let's not start that again.

ALF: I'm a bit curious about the "Don't ask, don't tell" policy here in the military.
Dr. Carnage: What about it?
ALF: Well it assume it's worked to you advantage.
Dr. Carnage: [to the camera] Stop the tape.

ALF: [Rick is angrily venting his contempt for Dexter Moyers] Rick, I've never seen you like this.
Dr. Mullican: Nah, I just don't like the guy, is all.
ALF: No, I mean from this angle... and I thought I had a lot of nose hair.

"ALF: Suspicious Minds (#3.15)" (1989)
ALF: Either he's Elvis, or Priscilla had a heck of a lawn sale.

Aaron King: What do you aliens do all day? Look for dead celebrities?
ALF: I'm so tired of that stereotype.

Willie Tanner: That was not Elvis Presley.
ALF: Are you kidding?, he was on that sandwich like red beans on rice.
Lynn Tanner: He didn't seem like Elvis to me either.
ALF: Elvis was a brilliant actor. He could play anything from a singing race car driver to a singing deep sea diver.

Raquel Ochmonek: Mark my words, that man who lived next door to us was Buddy Holly.
ALF: [pops open the shutters in the kitchen after Raquel leaves] Boy is she gullible! Everybody knows Buddy Holly runs a bait and tackle shop in Phoenix.

Willie Tanner: You've convinced me ALF, that we're living two doors down the street from Elvis Presley and Raquel is Janis Joplin and Trevor is Buddy Holly.
ALF: That'll be the day!

Aaron King: Can I pet you?
ALF: Only above the waist.

ALF: Why don't you ring up Ann-Margaret and get her over here.
Aaron King: Sure... I'll just head on over to Graceland and pick up my Rolodex.

"ALF: Strangers in the Night (#1.2)" (1986)
'ALF': What does missile man become when he does this?
[He bends the leg]
Brian Tanner: He becomes broken.

Kate Tanner: Has anyone seen my yellow ribbon?
'ALF': I don't know, what color is it? Ha! I kill me.
Brian Tanner: Ha! You kill me.

Willie Tanner: ALF why are you answering the phone?
'ALF': I live here.
Willie Tanner: I called to speak to Mrs Ochmonek
'ALF': Hold on, I'll get her.
Willie Tanner: I'll call back.
'ALF': Your dime.
[The phone rings again, as Mrs Ochmonek approaches the phone, it steps]
Willie Tanner: Why do you keep answering the phone?
'ALF': You keep calling
Willie Tanner: Where's Mrs Ochmonek?
'ALF': I don't know, the last time I saw her, she was stealing my pizza oh and don't worry about the cat.
Willie Tanner: Why? What happened to lucky?
Willie Tanner: I might've stepped on him when I opened the fridge door.
Willie Tanner: You were in the kitchen?
'ALF': I had to break in through the back door after I fell out the window.
Willie Tanner: Where are you, what are you doing?
'ALF': I'm in the bedroom wearing a blue dress.
Willie Tanner: Don't go anywhere
'ALF': Where would I go? I'm not wearing the right shoes
Willie Tanner: [Hangs up] I should've locked him in the garage!
[To a fellow social worker]
Willie Tanner: Kids

Kate Tanner: [about Brian] He can't stay home alone.
'ALF': I'll stay.
Lynn Tanner: I'll stay.
Kate Tanner: No, you're in the wedding party.
'ALF': I'm not.
Kate Tanner: What are we going to do?
'ALF': Hello!

"ALF: Mother and Child Reunion (#1.13)" (1987)
ALF: [to Dorothy] Yadayadayadayadayadayada!

[ALF is discovered under Willie and Kate's bed]
Kate: ALF, what are you doing down there?
ALF: Trying to keep warm! The garage is FREEZING! I've been down here the last couple of nights!
Willie: [uneasy] Were you here, Sunday night?
ALF: [winks] Don't worry, I was sound asleep. Didn't hear a THING.

[Willie and Kate jump on their bed, to drive out ALF who is underneath]
ALF: Yeah! Go for it, Willie! Go for it! Yeah!

"ALF: Night Train (#2.9)" (1987)
ALF: Why must you needlessly complicate everything?

Kate Tanner: [after ALF claims that according to a magazine article, he is a thrill-seeker] This from the same person who watched the movie Aliens from under the couch?
ALF: Hey, I thought I owed one of those guys money.

"ALF: Border Song (#1.18)" (1987)
Willie: What are you playing?
ALF: [at a video game] Space Invaders.
Willie: What do they do? Live in your garage, eat all your food, dig up your back yard?
ALF: You're in a mood...
Willie: Yes, I am! Because I found my good hoe, in THIS condition!
[holds up a pole with a bit of mangled scrap iron on one end]
ALF: Oh, yeah. Sorry. I was plowing up your yard and I hit a water main... Don't worry, it wasn't yours.

Willie: I was going down Fifth Street Road, and instead of taking a left I took a right...
ALF: I thought you couldn't turn right down that road, it's a one-way street.
Willie: ALF, what difference does it make to you?
ALF: What difference does it make? HAH! I'm not driving with you anymore!

"ALF: Oh, Tannerbaum (#1.12)" (1986)
ALF: [looks through a Viewmaster] Oh, yeah, Sylvester and Tweety!
[flips a lever]
ALF: Yeah! Die, cat, die!

"ALF: It's My Party (#4.13)" (1989)
[last lines]
ALF: We would have had more food left over if more of your friends kept Kosher!

"ALF: Lookin' Through the Windows (#1.21)" (1987)
ALF: Oh heck, why must I be so darn curious?

"ALF: You Ain't Nothin' But a Hound Dog (#2.20)" (1988)
ALF: Ignorance is no excuse.
Kate Tanner: Ignorance is your excuse all the time!
ALF: I don't know what you are talking about.

"ALF: On the Road Again (#1.11)" (1986)
ALF: Where do you keep your casserole dishes? the cat wont fit in the toaster.

"ALF: Turkey in the Straw: Part 2 (#3.8)" (1988)
Willie Tanner: ALF!
Flakey Pete: [walks into the kitchen] Oh. Hi Willie.
Willie Tanner: Where is he?
Flakey Pete: Who? You're little alien guy?
Willie Tanner: If anything... anything has happened to him, you're gonna be...
ALF: Hey Willie.
Willie Tanner: ALF!
ALF: Willie!
Willie Tanner: ALF!
ALF: Willie!
Brian Tanner: ALF!
ALF: Willie!
Lynn Tanner: ALF!
ALF: Willie!
Kate Tanner: ALF!
ALF: Willie?

"ALF: Somewhere Over the Rerun (#2.2)" (1987)
ALF: Aren't you guys happy? You are Here on Gillgans island?

"ALF: Take a Look at Me Now (#2.3)" (1987)
ALF: [o Mrs Okmonek] There are many things in this universe you're not meant to understand. Now, that doesn't mean they're not real. I'm real, and whether other people believe you or not, you know I'm real.

"ALF: Someone to Watch Over Me: Part 2 (#2.18)" (1988)
ALF: [to Willie] Did you see Dog Day Afternoon?

"ALF: A.L.F. (#1.1)" (1986)
[sound of cans opening, Alf and Brian come out with two cans of something in their hand]
Kate: I said no soda pop.
Brian: It's not soda pop, it's beer.
Gordon 'ALF' Shumway: [burps] You're about out of Coors!

"ALF: Prime Time (#2.5)" (1987)
Willie Tanner: Let me just try to understand, ALF.
Willie Tanner: The operative word in People Log is "people"... one of which you are... not... one.
ALF: That's cruel. Not to mention poorly constructed from a grammatical standpoint.