Kermit the Frog
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Quotes for
Kermit the Frog (Character)
from "The Muppet Show" (1976)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
The Muppet Movie (1979)
Kermit: [singing; repeated lines] Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection. The lovers, the dreamers, and me.

Kermit: [singing] Life's like a movie, write your own ending...
All Muppets: [singing] Keep believing, keep pretending; we've done just what we've set out to do, thanks to the lovers, the dreamers, and you!

Kermit: That's pretty dangerous building a road in the middle of the street. I mean, if frogs couldn't hop, I'd be gone with the Schwinn.

Dr. Teeth: [after the Electric Mayhem paint the Studebaker] Doc Hopper will never recognize you now.
Fozzie: I don't know how to thank you guys.
Kermit: I don't know *why* to thank you guys.

Kermit: Where did you learn to drive?
Fozzie: I took a correspondence course.

[Kermit and the Muppets arrive in Hollywood]
Miss Piggy: Oh, Kermie, look, it's wonderful. Like a dream come true.
Kermit: Well, don't count your tadpoles until they've hatched, I still have to audition, you know.
Floyd Pepper: Hey, there ain't nothin' to it but to do it!
Lord's Secretary: [closes the door] And where do you think you're going?
Kermit: Oh, hi there. We're here to audition for Lew Lord.
Lord's Secretary: You just can't walk in here off the street you know, especially with all these animals.
Kermit: Animals? Wh-What's wrong with animals?
[Muppets mutter indignantly but indistinctly]
Lord's Secretary: This is a movie studio, not a zoo. Besides...
[sneezes]
Lord's Secretary: ...I'm allergic to animal hair. Now get along all of you.
Kermit: Now wait a second, miss. I may not be one of your fancy Hollywood frogs, but I deserve a chance, and we're going to stay right here in this office until you let us in to see Lew Lord. Aren't we, gang?
[the Muppets shout "Yes" indistinctly]
Lord's Secretary: [on the phone] Security, Miss Tracey. I want to report a...
[the Muppets shake their fur, causing the secretary to sneeze convulsively until she finally opens the office door]

El Sleezo Patron: Hello, sailor, buy me a drink?
Kermit: Well, you see, I'm not a sailor, I'm a frog.
El Sleezo Patron: Oh, cut the small talk and buy me a drink.
Kermit: I don't even know you.
El Sleezo Tough: Hey. Did you make a move with my girl?
Kermit: No, sir.
El Sleezo Patron: He did too. He touched me.
El Sleezo Tough: Ugh. Wash up, you'll get warts.
Kermit: That's a myth.
El Sleezo Tough: Yeah, but she's my "myth"!
Kermit: No, no, myth, myth!
Myth: Yeth?

El Sleezo Cafe Owner: That's toughest, meanest, *filthiest* pest hole on the face of the earth!
Kermit: Why not complain to the owner?
El Sleezo Cafe Owner: I *am* the owner.

[when seeing Fozzie perform for the first time]
Kermit: This guy's lost.
Waiter: Maybe he should try Hare Krishna.
Kermit: Good grief, it's a running gag.

Kermit: Hey, Fozzie, I want you to turn left if you come to a fork in the road.
Fozzie: Yes sir, turn left at the fork in the road.
[drives past a giant fork]
Fozzie: Kermit!
Kermit: I don't believe that.

Kermit: [watching Gonzo fly over the fair with a bunch of balloons] Gonzo! What are you doing?
Gonzo: About seven knots!

Robin the Frog: Uncle Kermit, is this how the Muppets *really* got started?
Kermit: Well, it's sort of approximately how it happened.

The Swedish Chef: The flim is okee-dokee.
Kermit: Good, roll film.
The Swedish Chef: Flim is rooling!

Kermit: [whispering] Patriotic part.
Robin the Frog: [whispering back] Should we stand up?
Kermit: No.

Kermit: Gee. A Studebaker. Where did you get it?
Fozzie: Oh, my uncle left it to me.
Kermit: Huh, is he dead?
Fozzie: No, he's hibernating.

Kermit: Miss Piggy, you look beautiful!
Miss Piggy: Thank you!
Kermit: [aside] Hollywood talk.

Miss Piggy: Kermie, whisper sweet nothings into my ear.
Kermit: Uh... motorcycle cop.
Miss Piggy: "Motorcycle cop" is a sweet nothing?
Kermit: A motorcycle cop is chasing us.

Kermit: What's happening?
Floyd Pepper: At the moment, *we're* what's happenin'.

Rowlf the Dog: Oh. Broken heart, right?
Kermit: [sadly] Does it show?
Rowlf the Dog: Listen, when you've been tickling the ivories as long as I have, you've seen a broken heart for every drop of rain, a shattered dream for every falling star.
Kermit: Exactly. She just walked out on me.
Rowlf the Dog: Ah, typical. That's why I live alone.
Kermit: You do, huh?
Rowlf the Dog: You bet. I finish work, I go home, read a book, have a couple of beers, take myself for a walk, and go to bed.
Kermit: Nice and simple.
Rowlf the Dog: Stay away from women. That's my motto.
Kermit: But I can't.
Rowlf the Dog: Neither can I. And that's my trouble.

Kermit: It's too bad the dancing girls are on vacation; this crowd's getting ugly.
Fozzie: Huh. If you think this crowd's ugly, you should see the dancing girls.

Bernie: If you ever come out west to Hollywood, look me up: Bernie, the agent.
Kermit: Hey, listen, Bernie the Agent, why don't you say "hello" to Arnie the alligator?

Mad Man Mooney: Jack, get rid of this heap. Come out here!
Sweetums: What? What?
Mad Man Mooney: That's my jack.
Kermit: Oh, hi Jack!
Sweetums: Jack not name! Jack job!
Mad Man Mooney: [whispering] How many times have I told you not to talk to the customers?

Doc Hopper: Listen, we're a small business but we've expanded. Expanded! Just like you frogs expand. Don't you frogs expand?
[puffs his cheeks]
Kermit: That's a myth.
Doc Hopper: What?
Kermit: Myth! Myth!
Myth: Yeth?
Kermit: Huh?
[same with Fozzie]
Kermit: [to Fozzie]
Kermit: C'mon, bear, burn rubber!

Kermit: Hey, Fozzie, look up ahead there.
Fozzie: What is that?
Kermit: Maybe we should give him a ride.
Fozzie: I don't know, he's pretty big.
Fozzie: [to Big Bird] Hey there, wanna lift?
Big Bird: Oh, no thanks. I'm on my way to New York City to try to break into public television.
Fozzie: Oh. Hm, good luck.

Miss Piggy: Oh Kermie, you were so courageous, so magnificent!
Kermit: Gee, I don't know what to say.
Fozzie: Say the bear was magnificent. After all, I did the driving.
Gonzo: And I took a hundred-foot belly flop onto a moving car!
Miss Piggy: Yes, but Kermit assumed the awesome responsibility of command!
Kermit: Gee.
Fozzie: Oh, brother.

Fozzie: Kermit, where are we?
Kermit: [Looking at a map] Well, let's see. We're just traveling down this little black line here, and uh, just crossed that little red line over here.
Fozzie: [after taking his eyes off the road to focus on the map] How about, let's take the blue line, huh?
Kermit: No, we can't take that, that's a river.
Fozzie: Oh. I knew that.
Kermit: Yeah sure.
Fozzie: Well, listen Kermit, why don't we just go and...
Kermit: [Cutting him off] Fozzie? Uh, Fozzie?
Fozzie: Yeah?
Kermit: Who's driving?

Kermit: [after Fozzie parks the car in front of a church and turns it off] Boy, it feels like we've been driving for days.
Fozzie: [Still upbeat] Funny, yet I'm still wide awake!
Kermit: Yup. Me, too.
[Two seconds later Fozzie's head falls back, and he immediately starts snoring. Kermit jumps at that, then shrugs]
Kermit: [quietly] Me, too.
[Drops his head back and settles in himself]

Kermit: Frankly, Miss Piggy, I don't give a hoot.

Kermit: [navigating in the Studebaker] Bear left.
Fozzie: Right, frog.

Kermit: [asks the waiter to taste the wine for him and Miss Piggy] Will you taste it for us, please?
Insolent Waiter: [tastes the wine, makes a face and spits it out] Ooh! Ah... Excellent - choice.
Kermit: [to Miss Piggy] Should be, for ninety-five cents.
Miss Piggy: [impressed] Ooooh!

Kermit: If what I'm saying doesn't make any sense, well then... go ahead and kill me.
Doc Hopper: [takes off his hat and fluffs his hair; reluctantly] All right boys. Kill him.

Kermit: That's enough of that, Harry!

Kermit: [Movie stops after burning in projector lamp] Hey, what happened?
The Swedish Chef: [In projector booth, covered in film] Gersh gurndy morn-dee burn-dee, burn-dee, flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip.

Doc Hopper: [pointing to a billboard showing a bucket of "Doc Hopper's French Fried Frog Legs"] Isn't that splendid? Just splendid! Just take a look at it.
Kermit: All I can see are millions of frogs with tiny crutches.

Kermit: [to audience] I hope you appreciate that I'm doing all my own stunts.

Animal: IR-RI-TA-TED! IR-RI-TA-TED!
Kermit: Don't worry, Animal, your big scene is coming up.
Floyd Pepper: Yeah, just be cool and eat another seat cushion.
Animal: SEAT CUSHION!
[rips off some upholstery and stuffing at the corner of his chair and eats it]

Kermit: I didn't promise anybody anything. What do I know about Hollywood, anyway? Just a dream I got from sitting through too many double features.
Kermit's Conscience: So why did you leave the swamp in the first place?
Kermit: 'Cause some agent fella said I had talent. He probably says that to everybody.
Kermit's Conscience: On the other hand, if you hadn't left the swamp, you'd be feeling pretty miserable anyhow.
Kermit: Yeah. But then it would just be me feeling miserable. Now I got a lady pig, and a bear, and a chicken, a dog, a thing, whatever Gonzo is. He's a little like a turkey.
Kermit's Conscience: [Kermit's Conscience is sitting on a rock behind him] Mmm - Yeah. A little like a turkey, but not much.
Kermit: No I guess not. Anyhow, I brought them all out here to the middle of nowhere, and it's all my fault.
Kermit's Conscience: Still, whether you promised them something or not, you gotta remember - they wanted to come.
Kermit: But... that's because they believed in me.
Kermit's Conscience: No, they believed in the dream.
Kermit: Well, so do I, but...
Kermit's Conscience: You do?
Kermit: Yeah! Of course I do.
Kermit's Conscience: Well then?
Kermit: Well then... I guess I was wrong when I said I never promised anyone. I promised me.

Kermit: That's Piggy!
Fozzie: Yes, I know!
Rowlf the Dog: Hey, you do think we should help her with her bags?
Fozzie: Aah, no.
[Everyone]
Fozzie: No, nah, un-uh.

Kermit: Oh, waiter...
Insolent Waiter: [reluctantly] Yes? May I help you?
Kermit: The uh, the wine, please.

Kermit: You may serve us now, please.
Insolent Waiter: Oh... may I?

Insolent Waiter: Phone call for Kermit the Frog. You Kermit the Frog?
Kermit: Yeah.
Insolent Waiter: Phone.

[Doc Hopper is following Kermit and Fozzie in the rainbow disguised car]
Kermit: Fozzie, they're right behind us!
Fozzie: I know, I know.
Kermit: But Fozzie, how did they recognize us?
Fozzie: They recognized YOU. There's a hundred bears around.

Bernie the Agent: [to Kermit] You - you with the banjo - uh, can you help me? I have lost my sense of direction.
Kermit: Have you tried Hare Krishna?
Bernie the Agent: [laughs sarcastically] No. No, I mean I'm really lost.
Kermit: Uh, one second.
[He tries to catch a flie to eat but misses]
Kermit: Darn, I missed. You know that's the first thing to go on a frog? His tongue. The tongue goes and you can't catch flies.
Bernie the Agent: Ah, that's rough, I'm - sorry about your tongue but - I have to get out of this swamp; I have to catch a plane.
Kermit: With that tongue? No way.
[Bernie half laughs and half cries]
Kermit: But seriously, there's a boat dock just downstream.
Bernie the Agent: Thank you.
Kermit: Just watch out for the alligators.
Bernie the Agent: I will.
[turns to leave, but turns back to Kermit]
Bernie the Agent: Alligators?
Kermit: That's right.
Bernie the Agent: Did you say alligators?
Kermit: Read my lips. Al-lee-gay-twers.

Kermit: [as he and the gang enter his office] Um, Mr. Lord, forgive the interruption, but I'm here to audition.
All Muppets: Yes! Yes!
Kermit: We've come over 2000 miles, and...
[Stops when Lew Lord turns around in his chair to face him, making him nervous now]
Kermit: Um... oh boy.
Miss Piggy: Kermie, we are all with you.
Kermit: Um, please sir, my name is Kermit the Frog, and we've read your ad, and, well, we've come to be rich and famous.
Lew Lord: [Has a brief staredown with Kermit, then into his intercom] Miss Tracy, prepare the standard 'Rich and Famous' contract for Kermit the Frog and Company.
[They all look stunned for a moment, then all the rest of the Muppets start cheering and celebrating behind Kermit, who just looks on shocked and starry-eyed]

Kermit: [singing] I've heard it too many times to ignore it. It's something that I'm s'posed to be.


The Great Muppet Caper (1981)
Kermit: We're going to catch those crooks red-handed.
[Beauregard raises his hand]
Kermit: Yes, Bo?
Beauregard: What color are their hands now?

Beauregard: Takes awhile to get to know the town.
Fozzie: How long have you lived in London?
Beauregard: All my life.
Kermit: How come you don't have an English accent?
Beauregard: Hey, I'm lucky to have a driver's license!

Pops: Hey, how're you guys fixin' to pay?
Kermit: What are our choices?
Pops: A: Credit card; B: Cash; C: Sneak out in the middle of the night.
Fozzie: We'll take C.
Pops: Very popular choice.

Fozzie: What does "BSC" stand for?
Kermit: I don't know.

Kermit: I hate to be rude, but we're trying to do a movie here.

Kermit: We were wondering if you could recommend a nice hotel. Actually, a cheap hotel.
British Gentleman: How cheap?
Fozzie: Free.
British Gentleman: Well, that narrows the field a bit.
[reading from his guide]
British Gentleman: Let's see. "Places where you can park your carcasses." Bus terminals... River banks... The Happiness Hotel...
Kermit: Happiness Hotel? That sounds great.
Gonzo: What's wrong with bus terminals?

Gonzo: Is that the Eiffel Tower?
Fozzie: Yeah!
Kermit: No.
Fozzie: No. No.

Miss Piggy: [about Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem's playing] They don't have to play this loud.
Kermit: That's okay, they don't mind.

[Kermit, Fozzie and Gonzo are in wooden boxes on an airline flight]
Fozzie: Kermit, can you reach the hostess call button? I'm hungry.
Kermit: They don't serve food in 9th class.
Fozzie: What? Twelve dollars and we don't even get a meal?

Air Steward: All out for England!
Kermit: Oh, great! The plane is landing!
Air Steward: [opens cargo door in mid-flight] The plane? No, the plane lands in Italy. *You* land in England!

Air Steward: All out for the USA.
Kermit: Great. How close are we?
Air Steward: About 30,000 feet.
Kermit: You mean...
Air Steward: [opens cargo door in mid-flight again] Yep, happy landings.

[In a hot-air balloon]
Gonzo: I'd like to try this without a balloon.
Kermit: Try what? Plummeting?
Gonzo: Yeah.
Kermit: I suppose you could try it once.

Kermit: What's wrong with the drummer? He looks a little crazed.
Zoot: Oh, he's just upset about missing the Rembrandt exhibit at the National Gallery.
Animal: RENOIR!

Beauregard: What's your room number?
Kermit: What?
Fozzie: I don't know, but we're on the second floor.
Beauregard: Oh, I'm sorry. I can only take you as far as the lobby.

British Gentleman: For once the forecast was right. It said it was going to rain cats and dogs.
Kermit: No, no. We're bears and frogs.
Gonzo: And Gonzos.

Kermit: Quiet!
[all fall silent except Janice]
Janice: Look, Mother. It's my life, okay? So if I want to live on a beach and walk around naked... Oh.

Miss Piggy: Oh, Kermy! Oh, I've missed you so!
Kermit: [stiffly] Please, the name is Rosenthal.
[lowers voice]
Kermit: I'm your attorney, that's the only way they'd let me in here.
Miss Piggy: Oh, right! Oh, I've missed you so... Rosenthal. It's been an eternity.
Kermit: [puzzled] It's been forty-five minutes.
Miss Piggy: Time goes slow in the cooler.

Fozzie: Kermit, are bears allowed in those fountains?
Kermit: [bewildered] What?
Fozzie: Are bears allowed in those fountains?
Kermit: No, I don't think so.
Fozzie: I need a bath.

[Kermit, Gonzo, and Fozzie are in a hot air balloon, flying through the opening credits]
Gonzo: Gee, a lot of people worked on this movie!
Kermit: Oh, this is nothing. Wait till you see the end credits.

[Kermit, Gonzo, and Fozzie are in a hot air balloon, flying through the opening credits]
Fozzie: Nobody reads those names anyway, do they?
Kermit: Sure. They all have families.

Pops: [banging on bathroom door] Hey! What's goin' on in there? Lotta folks out here need to use the restroom!
Kermit: Well, we're developing these pictures, we'll be out as soon as we finish. We're trying to catch a jewel thief.
Fozzie: A jewel thief!
Pops: Well, catch him in another room, people are dancing up and down on one leg out here!

Kermit: How are we supposed to cut through the bars if nobody brought stuff to cut with?
Floyd: I brought some hot mustard, maybe that will eat through the bars.

Kermit: [on the plane] Someone's coming.
Fozzie: Oh, maybe they're bringing hamburgers.

News Editor: Did you read these headlines? Huh?
[reads newspaper]
News Editor: "JEWEL HEIST ON MAIN STREET!" And it's nice bold print, isn't it?
Kermit: Yes, it's very easy to read.
News Editor: Shut up now.
Kermit: [sheepish] Sorry.
News Editor: "Lady Holiday's Jewels Stolen," that's what it says in The Times. And here's The Herald, "Fashion Queen Of London Robbed." And last, but not least
[chuckles]
News Editor: here's our cute little banner story, "Identical Twins Join The Chronicle Staff." Now I ask you, which would you buy?
Fozzie: I read the one that has "Dear Abby".
News Editor: OH!
[News Editor pounds fist into desk in frustration, causing Gonzo to jump with fright up to a light fixture]

Fozzie: [pleading] We'll do better next time.
News Editor: Next time? Next time!
[pounds fist into desk]
News Editor: What makes you think there's gonna be a next time?
Kermit: Well, if there isn't it's gonna be a real short movie.

Kermit: [on the plane to England] I think I'll read for a while.
[turns on his light and looks around]
Kermit: Uh, I wish I had a book.

Gonzo: [going over the Thames] What's the name of this river?
Kermit: I don't know.
Fozzie: I think it's the English river.
Gonzo: Oh. I'll take a picture of it. Say cheese!

Kermit: [standing outside the Mallory Gallery] How do we get in?
Fozzie: I suggest we ring the door bell.

Miss Piggy: [at the supper club] Well, what a delightful menu!
[Kermit looks at the menu and gasps]
Miss Piggy: What?
Kermit: [nervously] Oh, hah, nothing, it's just sort of amusing that the roast beef is the same price as an Oldsmobile.

Kermit: [the Muppets are in a frenzy about Kermit's date] Fozzie, this is all very embarrassing!
Fozzie: Don't worry Kermit, it won't leave this room.
The Muppet Newsman: Here is a Muppet newsflash! Kermit the Frog to date Lady Holiday! Details at 11.

Fozzie: Hey, Kermit, I'm getting hungry.
Gonzo: Call room service.
Kermit: There's no phone.
Rizzo the Rat: That's OK, there's no food, either.

Kermit: [he, Fozzie, and Gonzo are stuck in the bed, which has closed into the wall; Kermit talks muffled] Could somebody turn out the light?
[bulb switches off as it drops to the floor]
Kermit: Thank you.

Kermit: But... Nicky, why are you doing this?
Nicky Holiday: Why am I doing this? Because I'm a villain. It's pure and simple.

Kermit: Piggy? Piggy, you're overacting.
Miss Piggy: What?
Kermit: You're overacting. You're hamming it up!
Miss Piggy: I am not! I am trying to save this movie.
Kermit: Yeah, well save your performance instead!

Kermit: Excuse me.
Pops: [awakes from his nap abruptly] What?
Kermit: We'd like a room.
Pops: Really?
Kermit: Yeah, we'd like to check in.
Pops: Somebody's checking in!
[dings his service bell]
Happiness Hotel Guests: [emerging from their rooms] SOMEBODY'S CHECKING IN?

[First lines]
Kermit: [In a hot air balloon] Pretty nice up here, isn't it?
Fozzie: Kermit? What if we drift out to sea? What if we're never heard from again? What if there's a storm? Or - we get struck by lightning?
Gonzo: That'd be neat.
Kermit: Listen, nothing's gonna happen. These are just the opening credits.
Fozzie: Oh. Where are they?
[Title card appears]
Fozzie: Wow!
Kermit: The Great Muppet Caper.
Fozzie: Nice title.

Gonzo: I wonder how far you could plummet before you blacked out.
Kermit: Uh, don't try it, Gonzo. We need you for this movie.
Gonzo: Sure is tempting.


It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie (2002) (TV)
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Muppet movies are always the best.
Kermit: You mean that?
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: FOR ME TO POOP ON!

[In a parody of 'Moulin Rouge.']
Robin: I'm the Green Fairy.
Kermit: But what are you doing in my drink?
Fozzie: The backstroke.

Daniel: I know that Bitterman changed the contract.
Kermit: Wha- how do you know THAT? Oh, wait a second, you don't run one of those Muppet Internet fan sites, do ya?

Kermit: [whispers] Psst, come close.
[Daniel leans foreward and Kermit shouts]
Kermit: I wish I had never been born!

Kermit: I wish I've never been born!

Kermit: We're going to get you that money.
Rachel Bitterman: Yeah, when pigs fly.
[Miss Piggy suddeny comes flying by, dangling from the "five golden rings"]
Rachel Bitterman: For the record, I consider that flying pig to be a coincidence and not a sign from God!

Kermit: [watching Rizzo the Rat on "Fear Factor"] How can NBC live with themselves?

The Great Gonzo: Hmmm. Let's see. Shiny nose, laughing and calling names... I got it! Meet the new star of our show: Frosty the Snow-Rat!
Kermit: Gee Gonzo, I thought you would have gone with Rizzo the Red-Nosed Rat-Deer.
The Great Gonzo: Well, sure, if you want to go for the obvious.

Kermit: Uh, merry Christmas. I can see you really like cats.
Miss Piggy: Doesn't everyone?

Kermit: [as Miss Piggy is advertising over the phone] Piggy, what are you doing? You're not Jamaican.
Miss Piggy: Yeah, well I'm not psychic either.

Kermit: The park! It's back! I'm back! And I've got spit in my eye, but I don't care, because I'm back, thanks to you, Daniel!

Kermit: W-who are you? You look like some sort of ice cream man from 'Hello, Dolly!'

Daniel: I know. We'll alert the press. We'll start a media frenzy...
Kermit: It's no use. Bitterman owns the papers, she owns the television stations, and three-quarters of the internet.
Daniel: How can one person own so much?
Kermit: Corporate synergy. It's out of control.
[Kermit crosses his legs, exposing an NBC logo under his flipper]

Kermit: Well, he's acting a little strange, but gee, it's good to know Fozzie turned out basically okay.
Daniel: Yeah, if being a pickpocket is okay.
Kermit: What?
[looks down and realizes]
Kermit: He took my wallet! Unbelievable!
Daniel: And you don't even have pockets. Even more unbelievable.

The Great Gonzo: This is Luc Fromage. He works with Cirque Du Soilet.
Luc Fromage: Behold, I give you my theatrical masterpiece!
Kermit: "Cirque Du So Lame?" Luc, I don't think it would be nice to have the word "lame" in our show.
Luc Fromage: It is not "lame"! It's "lah-mehy"!

Kermit: Ms. Bitterman, you can take the Muppet Theatre, but you'll never take the theatre in our hearts!
Rachel Bitterman: Well, that's good, because I don't want the theatre in your hearts; I want the theatre that exists in reality!

Kermit: [reading a sign in the park] "Thank you, Kermit, for all you have done for the lovers, the dreamers and you."
[groans]
Kermit: Dreams. Bitterman's right. I ruined everyone's lives with my ridiculous dreams.

Kermit: Can we make enough money?
Dr. Honeydew: Yes... I mean, no... I mean, yes...
[Opens window where Beeker's hand is caught]
Dr. Honeydew: Beaker, do you have my wax pencil? Oh, never mind, here it is.
[Closes window on Beeker's hand again]
Dr. Honeydew: Yes, if we fill 1,900 seats...
Kermit: But that's impossible!
Dr. Honeydew: Or not pay anyone 'til New Year's.
Kermit: Oh, that's not so bad.
Dr. Honeydew: ...of next year.


Muppets from Space (1999)
Pepe: Hey, Kermit. When will you fix the oven, okay?
Kermit: What's wrong with the oven?
[oven explodes]
Pepe: That.

Kermit: You know what you are, Gonzo?
Gonzo: What?
Kermit: Distinct.

Gonzo: Well, it's just that I'm sick and tired of being a one-of-a-kind freak, that's all.
Kermit: Gonzo, you are not a one-of-a-kind freak. You're a, uh... uh...
Gonzo: A whatever?
Kermit: Well... yeah.

Gonzo: Rizzo?
Rizzo: Gonzo?
Miss Piggy: Kermy?
Kermit: Piggy?
TV Producer: What is going on here?

Miss Piggy: I've got great news! Gonzo has been kidnapped by the government and it could be a life-threatening situation!
Kermit: How can that be great news?
Miss Piggy: Because, I've got a story, I've got a story! Oh! I need to change! Something that says journalistic integrity.

Kermit: [on spy gadgets] Ahah. The old rubber ducky with invisibility-spray trick. Check.

Kermit: Okay, guys. It's up to us. We have to save Gonzo from a whole army of government agents.
Fozzie: Well, I have a joke book.
Animal: Drumsticks, drumsticks!
Pepe: I have some loose jello, okay.
Kermit: Okay. Well that settles that.

[Gonzo appears on live TV]
Clifford: Hey, you better get down there, Kerm.
Kermit: Relax. No one is going anywhere, okay?
Gonzo: [on TV] You see, I was contacted through my breakfast cereal, and then it was confirmed to me by the Cosmic Fish that I am definitely from outer space.
Rizzo: So you want to go now, or wait for the commercial?
Kermit: Now.

Kermit: What is he doing up there?
Rizzo: His breakfast cereal told him to sit up there.
Clifford: Talk about whole grain and nuts.

Kermit: He's one of us. And no matter what happens, no matter what obstacles we face, we NEVER forget one of our own.
Miss Piggy: I love it when you take charge.
Fozzie Bear: Hey! We left Bunsen and Beaker back at the gas station.
Kermit: Okay... Well, uh, from THIS point on , no matter what happens, we never forget one of our own.

Kermit: Okay, guys. We've got to get through those doors.
Fozzie Bear: Should we just ask permission from those nice men with the rifles?

Gonzo: Now we can go meet my alien brothers at Cape Doom.
Kermit: Uh, what makes you think that aliens are landing there, Gonzo?
Gonzo: Oh, a sandwich told me.

Kermit: When we pull together, we can do anything.

Kermit: So... you'll write?
Gonzo: Oh, yeah, sure I'll write. There's probably a mailbox every couple of light years.

Kermit: Oh, hey Gonzo! I thought you were performing at a bar mitzvah?
Gonzo: No, I got the Electric Mayhem to cover for me.
Dr.Teeth: Shalom!

Gonzo: What a great day.
Kermit: Mm-hmm.
Gonzo: That was probably the best day of my whole life. There's just one thing I still don't understand.
Kermit: What's that, Gonzo?
Gonzo: Why did they ask me to build a jacuzzi?
Rizzo, Pepe: [snickering]

Kermit: [after the 'Door in a Jar' forms but the door is too small] Gee, that's disappointing.
Miss Piggy: Perfect. Somebody knock and see if Barbie's home.


"The Muppet Show: Juliet Prowse (#1.1)" (1977)
Kermit the Frog: Hey listen, it's another great show folks. I mean tonight our guest star is one of the truly great dancers of the world: The one and only, Miss Juliet Prowse. And if that weren't enough we've also got Mahna Mahna. Whatever that means.

Kermit the Frog: [Phone rings] Hello. Okay. Just a second.
[to the Snowths]
Kermit the Frog: It's for you.
Mahna Mahna: [through the phone] Mahna Mahna!

[Kermit sips from a glass of milk, the level of which drops steadily]
Kermit: Uh, think about this, friends.

Scooter: Hey boss, Muppy and I wanted to talk to you about the act we're doing on the show tonight.
Kermit the Frog: Scooter, you're not doing an act on the show tonight.
Scooter: Gee, my uncle who owns the theatre thought of this act.
Kermit the Frog: Tell us about the act you're doing on the show tonight.
Scooter: Oh, it's called "Simon Smith and His Amazing Dancing Dog". Yeah, I sing this song see, and Muppy here does this cute, adorable, sweet, sugary little dance.
Kermit the Frog: Well, it sounds says the frog displaying his artistic judgment: sappy.
Scooter: Gee, my uncle thought it was...
Kermit the Frog: It sounds says the frog displaying his will to survive: wonderful.
Scooter: Yeah, it's great. You'll love it.
Kermit the Frog: Certainly. I've often thought of Muppy here as about the cutest little fellow around.
[Muppy attacks Kermit and bites him]
Scooter: He thinks as himself as a killer.
Kermit the Frog: Let me out of here!

Kermit the Frog: What a dumb dog! Oops, I'm on stage. Well, now that I'm here let me take this opportunity to present The Muppet Show's resident artist person: Gonzo the Great.

Kermit the Frog: [the audience boos Gonzo off the stage] Looks like it's another wipeout for Gonzo.
The Great Gonzo: Yokels! What do they know about art?

Kermit the Frog: Ladies and gentlemen. The lovely Miss Juliet Prowse.

Kermit the Frog: You know that number you did was just beautiful Juliet.
Juliet Prowse: Well, thank you Kermit. You know I'm really happy to be here with you and all the Muppets. You know something? I've never talked to a frog before.
Kermit the Frog: Well, we're just like anyone else. A little more jumpy maybe. But you know, we have out hopes and our dreams.
Juliet Prowse: Oh yeah, we'll what are some of your dreams?
Kermit the Frog: You may just think I'm gilding the lily pad here. But as a tadpole I always wanted to be a dancer. But you know what they say, the first thing to go on a frog are his legs.
Juliet Prowse: That's funny. I never knew that frogs had a sense of humor.
Kermit the Frog: We have to. You meet a frog without a sense of humor and you're looking at a green lump.

Kermit the Frog: Your average frog doesn't have much going for him in the looks department.
Juliet Prowse: Oh, I don't know. I think you're quite attractive.
Kermit the Frog: Really? You're not just saying that because you're a guest?
Juliet Prowse: Certainly not. In fact I'd go as far as to say that you are the Robert Redford of frogs.
Kermit the Frog: Hey, listen everybody, did you hear that? Juliet Prowse thinks I'm the Robert Redford of frogs. You're going to be coming back on this show a lot. Hey listen, have you ever kissed Robert Redford?
Juliet Prowse: No I haven't.
Kermit the Frog: How about kissing the next best thing?
Juliet Prowse: You mean to tell me that Paul Newman is here?
Kermit the Frog: I mean me! The Robert Redford of frogdom.
Juliet Prowse: My pleasure.
[kisses him]

Scooter: Okay, Kemit. Now that Muppy is doing the big Simon Smith number, he has one other suggestion.
Kermit the Frog: Listen, I already gave him his own dressing room. What more does he want?
Scooter: Well, it's about the title of the show. Look.
[holds up a sign saying 'The Muppy Show']
Kermit the Frog: 'The Muppy Show'?
[screams]

Kermit the Frog: Muppy? Scooter? You're on next.
Scooter: It's no use Kermit. Muppy says if you won't change the title of the show he's not going on. He's locked himself in his dressing room, and he's not coming out.
Kermit the Frog: Yeah, but the Simon Smith number is next.
Scooter: I know. I know.
Kermit the Frog: What are we going to do?
Fozzie Bear: Kermit. How come I'm not doing an act this week?
Kermit the Frog: Congratulations Fozzie. You're doing an act this week.
Fozzie Bear: Sometimes I can be very persuasive.

Kermit the Frog: Ladies and gentlemen. "Simon Smith and his Amazing Dancing Bear".

Scooter: Kermit, Muppy wants you to know he's very sorry he bit you.
Kermit the Frog: Oh, yeah.
Scooter: He wants you to know he's very grateful you're letting him do the Simon Smith number.
Kermit the Frog: Oh, well that's nice.
Scooter: He wants you to know he wants his own dressing room and star billing.
Kermit the Frog: Who is this crazy dog?
Scooter: He's my uncles favorite pet!

Kermit the Frog: Hello there Miss Prowse. Hey listen, is everything OK? Any complaints?
Juliet Prowse: No, none whatsoever. Except that I've never had to share my dressing room before with a man who eats a tire.
Kermit the Frog: I told Gonzo to dress in the alley!

Kermit the Frog: Ladies and gentleman. It's Cowboy Time!

Kermit the Frog: Stand by for the Western Sketch.
Fozzie Bear: Hey Kermit.
[doing a bad John Wayne impression]
Fozzie Bear: Does this sound like John Wayne?
Kermit the Frog: Will you get on stage Fozzie?


"The Muppet Show: Connie Stevens (#1.2)" (1977)
Kermit the Frog: It's the Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Connie Stevens and from Sesame Street, Ernie and Bert.

Kermit the Frog: To introduce our guest star, that's what I'm here to do. So it really makes me happy to introduce to you... Miss Connie Stevens.

Kermit the Frog: Oh, er, Piggy. Have you met Lydia?
Miss Piggy: No. Have you met my left fist?

The Great Gonzo: [talking about Gonzo's teddy bear] Don't tell me you don't like him either?
Kermit the Frog: What's there to like, Gonzo? That bear is the worst! I say, let's get rid of him, OK?
The Great Gonzo: But he's a nice bear. I don't care if he is moldy-looking. I like him.
Fozzie: [thinking they are talking about him] Did you hear? Only Gonzo likes me. And he thinks I'm moldy!

Fozzie: Goodbye, Mr. Frog.
Kermit the Frog: Hey Fozzie, where are you going?
Fozzie: Oh, I been hearing what they've been saying about the old bear. I'm going home. I'm leaving the show business.
The Great Gonzo: [talking about his Teddy Bear] Kermit, if the bear goes. I go.
Fozzie: [thinking Gonzo is talking about him] Gonzo, I never realized. What loyalty? OK, the ball is in your court, frog!
Kermit the Frog: a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Hold it! Hold it! Listen Fozzie. When you heard people say they didn't want the bear around here, they were referring to Gonzo's teddy bear. Not to you.
Fozzie: Teddy bear? Then you mean you really want me to stay?
Kermit the Frog: Of course I want you to stay on the show. You're a star. You're a legend in your own time.
[aside to camera]
Kermit the Frog: Am I laying it on a little too sick?
Fozzie: I don't know what to say except that if you the frog want me the bear to stay, then I'll just have to have a raise.
Kermit the Frog: What?
Fozzie: And I'll need a bigger dressing room, and a limousine...
Kermit the Frog: Will you get out of here, Fozzie!
Fozzie: Thank you, Sir. Thank you, thank you.
The Great Gonzo: Well like I was saying Kermit, if the bear goes, the Gonzo goes.
Kermit the Frog: OK, you can stay, the teddy bear can stay, both bears can stay, the Gonzo can stay. Sometimes the crown weighs rather heavy on this little froggy head.

Kermit the Frog: Connie, at least we're alone.
Connie Stevens: You know something? I think it's terrific being with you.

Kermit the Frog: [after Gonzo's tomato plant strangles Gonzo and Hilda] They're gonna be tied up for a while.

Kermit the Frog: And now for your amazement and confusion, The Muppet Show's resident weird person, Gonzo the Great will grow a tomato plant whilst playing the 1812 Overture on the violin.

Kermit the Frog: [on Gonzo's act] This act may not last long... In fact it's over.

Kermit the Frog: Well, Connie, we sure wanna thank you for being with us on the show tonight.
Connie Stevens: Well thank you, Kermit, I had a ball.
Kermit the Frog: Hey, listen. We'd also like to present with you a little gift that we give to all our guest stars on the show. A Muppet Likeness of yourself.
Muppet Likeness: Hiya, Connie. Do you think there's room for two of us in this business?
Connie Stevens: Well, can you sing and dance?
Muppet Likeness: Ahh, no!
Connie Stevens: Well, then there's plenty of room. Thanks a lot, Kermit, this is a lovely surprise, I'd just like to...
[Gonzo's tomato plant wraps itself around her and carries her off stage]
Kermit the Frog: Oh, no, it's that crazy Great Gonzo tomato plant. Hey, make sure Connie is OK and tell Gonzo either the plant goes or he goes. We lose more guests that way. Anyhow, take care of yourselves and we'll see you next time on "The Muppet Show".

Kermit the Frog: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Welcome to The Muppet Show. Our special guest is the beautiful and vivacious Miss Connie Stevens. So we're gonna have a great show for you tonight. As a matter of fact, right now I'd like you to meet another good friend of mine. Her name is Lydia. Hit it!

Kermit the Frog: Lydia, oh Lydia, say have you met Lydia?/Lydia, the Tattooed Lady?/She has eyes that folks adore so/And a torso even more so/Lydia, oh Lydia, that encyclopedia/Oh Lydia the queen of tattoo/On her back is the battle of Waterloo?/Beside it the wreck of the Hesperus too/And proudly above waves the red, white and blue/You can learn a lot from Lydia/She can give you a view of the world in tattoo/If you step up and tell her where/For a dime you can see Kankakee or Paris/Or Washington crossing the Dulowear/Lydia, oh Lydia, say have you met Lydia?/Lydia, the Tattooed Lady/When her muscles start relaxing/Up the hill comes Andrew Jackson/Lydia, oh Lydia, oh have you met Lydia?/Lydia the champ of them all/She once swept an admiral clear of his feet/The ships on her hips made his heart skip a beat/And now the old boy's in command of the fleet/For he went and married Lydia.

Kermit the Frog: And now it's time to present two old friends of ours all the way from Sesame Street. Here they are now, the two and only: Ernie and Bert.


The Muppets Take Manhattan (1984)
[Kermit, suffering from amnesia, doesn't remember he is engaged to Miss Piggy]
Kermit the Frog: Me? In love with a pig? Wait 'til I tell the guys in marketing.
[laughing]
Kermit the Frog: Maybe you expected me to go HOG-wild? Perhaps you could bring home the BACON! Ahhh... the sounds of love: su-EEEEE! Oink, oink!
Miss Piggy: Cancel the show! Hi-yah!
[Karate chops Kermit]

Kermit the Frog: I'm staying! You hear that, New York? THE FROG IS STAYING!

Miss Piggy: I spy because I care!
Kermit the Frog: Well I care, too!
Miss Piggy: Well, *why* don't you say so?
Kermit the Frog: I JUST DID!
Miss Piggy: ALL RIGHT!
[They start screaming, then try to catch their breath]
Roller Skater: Keep the skates. Keep the skates. I don't use 'em anyway; I just like to run around in shorts.

Policeman: Hey! Watch it!
Kermit the Frog: Oh, sorry. I gotta get a contract so I can go out and kill 'em.
Policeman: [dismissing his suspicion after a moment] Nahhhhh!

Fozzie Bear: Hey, Kermit. Can our friends watch the show from backstage?
Kermit the Frog: What? No! No, they cannot watch the show from backstage. That's it! That's what's been missing from the show! That's what we need! More frogs and dogs and bears and chickens and... and whatever! You're not gonna watch the show, you're gonna be in the show! Come on, everyone!

Kermit the Frog: Why don't you try something like: Ocean Breeze Soap will get you clean.
Jill the Frog: You mean just say what the product does?
Gil the Frog: No one's ever tried that before.

Kermit the Frog: What's going on here?
Scooter: Well... uh... we just got job offers. Uh... right guys?
[everyone lies with ad libs, "yeah", "sure", "job offers"]
Kermit the Frog: That's great. But why do you all look so sad?
Scooter: Well, it's just... they're kind of... out of town job offers. Right guys?
[more ad libs with "yes", "out of town", etc]
Gonzo: What job did I get?
Scooter: Gonzo! Shut up!

Kermit the Frog: [whispering] Piggy, I thought Gonzo was gonna play the minister.
Miss Piggy: [laughs]
The Minister: [singing] Do you, Piggy, take this frog to be your lawful wedded husband? Do you?
Miss Piggy: [singing] I do.
The Minister: [singing] Do you, Froggie, take this pig to be your lawful wedded wife until you die?
Kermit the Frog: [hesitantly singing] Well... I...
The Minister: [singing] Do you?
Kermit the Frog: [as everyone else listens intently for his decision; still singing] Well... I do.
The Minister: [singing] Then because you share a love so big, I now pronounce you Frog and Pig.

Jenny: I'm Jenny.
Kermit the Frog: I'm Kermit.
[Long pause]
Kermit the Frog: I'm a frog.

Kermit the Frog: [after being taken hostage] Gonzo, are you alright?
Gonzo: I just saw my life flash before my nose!

Roller Skater: Can I get my skates back please?
Kermit the Frog: Hey, hey just a second. How did you know about that "toupe"?
Miss Piggy: None of your beeswax!
Kermit the Frog: Hey have you been spying on me?
Roller Skater: I'll unlace them, while you fight. It's no trouble.
Kermit the Frog: Piggy! Have you been spying on me?
Miss Piggy: Maybe spying on vous and that certain young girl of the opposite gender.
Roller Skater: You two-timing her?
Kermit the Frog: No that's just Jenny. She's a friend. She's a friend and she's been trying to help me sell the show.
Miss Piggy: Ha!
Roller Skater: [to Piggy] He's gotta sell the show.
[to Kermit]
Roller Skater: What show?
Miss Piggy: Well if she is just a friend then what about the... the huggies?
Kermit the Frog: What?
Roller Skater: [shocked] The Huggies! You gave Jenny the huggies?
Miss Piggy: You know maybe, maybe Kermit, maybe it would have been better if we had never have met. Then, then you and Jenny would not be tormented by my presence.
[sobbing]
Kermit the Frog: Oh gee.
Roller Skater: See what the huggies'll getcha?

Baby Kermit: [Muppet Babies, singing] She's gonna be a movie star. And she's gonna learn to drive a car; she's gonna be a vet'rinarian, too.
[to Kermit]
Miss Piggy: And I'm gonna always love you-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!
Fozzie Bear: Well, she's gonna be a singer, whoa-whoa-whoa!
Scooter: And she's gonna learn to fly a plane!
Rowlf: She'll be a doctor of diseases and help you with your sneezes...
Gonzo: ...and practice neurosurgery on your brain!


The Muppets (2011)
Rico Rodriguez: Are you one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?
Kermit the Frog: Yes I am!

Kermit the Frog: Do what I do: Imagine the audience naked.

Kermit the Frog: What? You kidnapped Jack Black? That's illegal!
Fozzie Bear: What's more illegal, Kermit: briefly inconveniencing Jack Black, or destroying the Muppets?
Kermit the Frog: Kidnapping Jack Black, Fozzie!

TV Executive: No.
TV Executive: No.
TV Executive: Lo siento, pero no.
Kermit the Frog: [excited] Oh, you hear that, guys?
[the Muppets cheer]
TV Executive: That means no.
Kermit the Frog: Oh.

Kermit the Frog: Jack Black's got nothing.

Rowlf: How come you didn't use me in the montage? I thought my story was pretty interesting.
[cut to Rowlf snoring in a hammock on his porch surrounded by other Muppets]
Kermit the Frog: Rowlf?
Rowlf: Huh?
Kermit the Frog: You wanna get back together?
Rowlf: Okay.
[cut back to the car]
Rowlf: Classic.

Gary: So you guys aren't getting back together?
Kermit the Frog: [sadly] No.
Mary: This is going to be a really short movie.

Miss Piggy: Kermit, we found a celebrity! Jack Black has graciously agreed to host the show for us.
Kermit the Frog: That's great! Where is he?
Miss Piggy: In the trunk.
Jack Black: [Inside car trunk] Get me out of here!

Kermit the Frog: [singing] Was there more I could have said?/Now they're only pictures in my head/That's why my green is feeling gray/Even frogs have rainy days

Kermit the Frog: Listen everybody, we've got nothing to be ashamed of. And you know why? Well because, thanks to Walter here we tried. And if we failed, we failed together and to me that's not failing at all. And I don't care what anybody says, I don't care if no one believes in us because... I believe. I believe in you. And you. And you. You know what's important isn't this building or name, it's each other. So I say fine, let's just start from the bottom and work our way back up to the top. Let's all walk out through these doors with our heads held up high, as a family because that's what we are.

Walter: But Kermit, you have to try! The Muppets are AMAZING! You give people the greatest gift that can ever be given!
Kermit the Frog: Children?
Walter: No, the OTHER gift.
Kermit the Frog: Ice cream?
Walter: No, no, after that...
Kermit the Frog: Laughter?
Walter: YES! The THIRD greatest gift ever!


A Muppet Family Christmas (1987) (TV)
Kermit: Don't you think we should've called your mother and let her know we were coming?
Fozzie Bear: Oh, how little you understand bears, Kermit. My mother loves surprises.
Gonzo: Well, good, cuz she's in for a honey.

Kermit: You don't have to explain, Doc. If there's one thing Piggy knows, it's how to make an entrance.

Kermit: Where is your partner?
Fozzie Bear: Outside.
Kermit: Outside? Fozzie it's too cold to go outside.
Fozzie Bear: It's not cold.
Kermit: It *is* cold!
Fozzie Bear: It's not cold.
Snowman: [entering the house] Can I come in and warm up?
Fozzie Bear: Okay, so it's cold.

Fozzie Bear: Kermit, now can I tell you about my new act?
Kermit: I'm all ears.
[hears Sprocket barking]
Kermit: Now what can that be?
Fozzie Bear: What does he mean he's all ears? Frogs don't even have ears!

Kermit: [halting Gonzo and Turkey's argument] Hark! What do I hear?
Gonzo: You're about to hear me make some turkey hash!
Kermit: No, no, listen: me thinks me hears carolers!

Maureen the Mink: Hi, I'm Maureen the Mink.
Miss Piggy: What?
Kermit: She said, "Hi, I'm Maureen the Mink."
Miss Piggy: I HEARD HER! I HEARD HER!

Kermit: Well, everybody, it's Christmas Eve and the tree is trimmed, so it's time for our annual carol sing. Take it, Rowlf.

Kermit: Another crisis solved.
Robin: Yeah, there sure are a lot of us here.
Kermit: Well, all families start to come together.
Robin: We always get together at Christmas.
Kermit: Yeah, life would just pass in a blur if it weren't for times like this.

Robin: [as he and Kermit search for Fraggles at Fraggle Rock] Do you think this is really Fraggle Rock?
Kermit: Well, I don't know, but if I were a Fraggle, this is the kind of place I'd hang out.


Muppet*vision 3-D (1991)
Kermit the Frog: We will also see a rousing finale from Sam the Eagle. What's it called, Sam?
Sam the Eagle: It's called "A Salute to All Nations, But Mostly America".

Kermit the Frog: Sam, are you ready with that finale?
Sam the Eagle: It's a glorious three-hour finale!
Kermit the Frog: You got a minute and a half.

[a banana cream pie comes flying out of the screen]
Kermit the Frog: What is that?
Fozzie Bear: Isn't it great? It's my new remote-controlled banana cream pie. Hey Kermit... Watch this!
[Fozzie presses a button and the remote control breaks causing the pie to spin and end up on Fozzie's face]
Kermit the Frog: Oh, Fozzie, that's terrible!
Fozzie Bear: [tasting it] Yeah, you're right... needs more sugar.

Kermit the Frog: And our demonstration will also include a little song from Miss Piggy...
Miss Piggy: [irritably clearing throat] Little?
Kermit the Frog: Little? Did I say little? I meant to say it's a huge, showstopping, major song from Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy: [sweetly] That's more like it.

Kermit the Frog: We invited some of the most distinct scientists to come and work here. Unfortunately, none of them showed up.

Kermit the Frog: [talking about the show] It's going to be a swell demonstration, and at no time will we be stooping to any cheap 3D tricks.
[Fozzie Bear enters]
Fozzie Bear: Did you say "cheap 3D tricks"?
Kermit the Frog: Uh...
[Fozzie blows a party streamer horn in the audience's direction]
Fozzie Bear: Ah! Oh, oh, and here's something I wanted to *spring* on you!
[he takes out a peanut can and opens the lid. Spring snakes pop out]

[last lines]
Kermit the Frog: [coming in from hole in the wall on the end of a fire truck's ladder] Uh, well, uh, ladies and gentlemen I'd like to apologize for the slight technical difficulties, but I do wish to assure you that no one was hurt and this theater only suffered minor damage. So, thank you very much for coming to see this demonstration of Muppet*Vision Technology and enjoy the rest of your day and come see us again sometime!


The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)
Kermit the Frog: If you please Mr. Scrooge, it's gotten colder, and the bookkeeping staff would like an extra shovel full of coal for the fire?
Rat #1: We can't do the bookkeeping, all our pens have turned to inkcicles!
Rat #2: Our assets are frozen!
Ebenezer Scrooge: How would the bookkeeping staff like to be suddenly... UNEMPLOYED?
Rats: [singing] HEAT WAVE. This is my island in the sun...

Ebenezer Scrooge: Bob Cratchit, I've had my fill of this.
Miss Piggy: And I have had my fill of you, Mr. Scrooge.
Ebenezer Scrooge: And therefore, Bob Cratchit...
Miss Piggy: And therefore, you can leave this house at once.
Ebenezer Scrooge: And therefore, I'm about to raise your salary!
Miss Piggy: Ooh, and I am about to raise you right off the pavement...! Pardon?
Kermit the Frog: Pardon?

Kermit the Frog: It's all right, children. Life is made up of meetings and partings. That is the way of it. I am sure that we shall never forget Tiny Tim, or this first parting that there was among us.

Ebenezer Scrooge: I'll see you tomorrow morning at 8.
Rats: [whispering] Ask him, ask him.
Kermit the Frog: Tomorrow's Christmas, sir.
Ebenezer Scrooge: 8:30, then.
Kermit the Frog: Uh, if you please Mr. Scrooge, half an hour off hardly seems customary for Christmas Day.
Rats: No, no.
Ebenezer Scrooge: How much time off *is* customary?
Kermit the Frog: Why, uh... The whole day.
Rats: Yeah, yeah!
Ebenezer Scrooge: The *entire* day?
Rats: No, no. That's the frog's idea...

Kermit the Frog: If you please sir, why open the office tomorrow? Other businesses will be closed; there'll be no one to do business with. It'll waste a lot of expensive coal for the fire!
Rats: Yeah!
Ebenezer Scrooge: It's a poor excuse for picking a man's pocket every December the 25th. But as I seem to be the only man who knows that... take the day off.

Ebenezer Scrooge: Let us deal with the eviction notices for tomorrow, Mr. Cratchit.
Kermit the Frog: Uh, tomorrow's Christmas, sir.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Very well. You may gift wrap them.


The Muppets at Walt Disney World (1990) (TV)
Kermit: We're both members of FASA - Fictional Animal Stars of America.

Young Girl: My mother always told me you should never give up on a dream.
Kermit: Didn't your mother tell you not to talk to strange frogs?
Young Girl: There's a song she taught me that has a message for you.
Kermit: Now you're gonna sing me a song?

Kermit: Miss Piggy, how are we going to explain this to Big Bird?

Mickey Mouse: Well, you know what we always say: "When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true."
Kermit: Actually, what we say is: "Someday, you'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers, and you."
Floyd: Uh-oh. They're starting to argue philosophy.

Miss Piggy: Kermit, this is a stinkin' bog!
Kermit: Yes, isn't it terrific?


"The Muppet Show: Joel Grey (#1.3)" (1976)
Kermit the Frog: It's "The Muppet Show" with tonight's guest star: Mr. Joel Grey.

Kermit the Frog: Our show tonight will feature some stuff that looks like this.

Kermit the Frog: Welcome. And what a show we have for you tonight. How would you like to see 4000 woodpeckers performing an aerial ballet, while 87 gorillas and 2 dozen elephants do "The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy"? Well forget it, because instead we've got Joel Grey as a guest star, which in a way is like having all the excitement of everything I mentioned without having to clean up afterwards. But right now let's get things rolling on The Muppet Show where we have "Comedy Tonight".

Fozzie Bear: Hiya, Kermit.
Kermit the Frog: Oh, hi there, Fozzie. Hey, listen, you better go and get ready. Go in the dressing room and get ready, would you?
Fozzie Bear: Dressing room? I had a dressing room so small, all the mice were hunchbacked.
Kermit the Frog: Please, Fozzie, No jokes right now. I'm a tired frog.
Fozzie Bear: Tired frog? I knew a frog who got so tired he fell asleep during his nap.
Kermit the Frog: Fozzie, what is this?
Fozzie Bear: Oh, see, it's my new act. See, it's Jokes on Any Subject. You tell the subject, and the bear does the joke on it. Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.
Kermit the Frog: Oh, Fozzie, please!
Fozzie Bear: Please, take my wife! Please!
Kermit the Frog: Fozzie, why don't you just go in the dressing room and get ready.
Fozzie Bear: Dressing room? I had a dressing room so small...
Kermit the Frog: I heard it.
Fozzie Bear: Well what do you think about the act, Frog?
Kermit the Frog: Well, Fozzie, it's got possibilities. Why don't you work on it? Alone.
Fozzie Bear: Alone? Alone? This bear was left alone!

Kermit: Well, that's about all the time we have for today, but let's thank our special guest star, Mr. Joel Grey!
[Joel Grey comes out]
Kermit: Well, Joel, thanks for being on the show.
Joel Grey: [in German accent] Danke heir Kermit. It was mein pleasure.
Kermit: Hey, keep working on that accent, it might come in handy.


"The Muppet Show: Twiggy (#1.21)" (1976)
Kermit the Frog: Uh, look Scooter, we're kind of busy right now but we'll keep our eyes open. I mean, seriously, I think you've been using your imagination too much. If there's a Phantom of the Muppet Show, I'm a monkey's uncle.
Wanda: [screaming] Help, there's a phantom in the dressing room!
[faints]
Kermit the Frog: Anybody got a banana?

Uncle Deadly: You muppets have taken over my theatre. My home. Years ago, I was a great actor, a star. In this very theatre. My Hamlet was acclaimed as the greatest ever. And then I played my most difficult role, Othello. But on opening night, I was killed!
Kermit the Frog: [terrified] I'm very sorry to hear that. Who killed you?
Uncle Deadly: The critics.

Kermit the Frog: Now, there is no such thing as a phantom. That's final, period, end of report!
Fozzie Bear: Uh, Kermit? What has a skull like head, fiery green eyes, and a torn cape?
Kermit the Frog: I don't know.
Fozzie Bear: I don't know either but it's right behind you!
[Fozzie, Scooter, Gonzo, and Hilda run away screaming]
Kermit the Frog: Uh, you will notice that I did not fall for their joke. And if it isn't a joke and if there is someone or something behind me, there is no doubt a logical explan for it. So I shall now just turn slowly around and see what is going on here.
Kermit the Frog: [unnerved, but remains calm when he sees Uncle Deadly behind him] Uh, pardon me, sir. But is there a logical explanation for your presence here?
Kermit the Frog: [Uncle Deadly's response is an evil, maniacal laugh] Apparently, there is no logical explanation.
Kermit the Frog: [runs away screaming]

Kermit the Frog: [after the Feather Duster and the feather boas performed] Ok, very nice. Very nice, you guys have come a long way since you were feather dusters.
Feather Duster: [high pitched disco diva type voice] Thank you. I enjoyed it ever so much, really I did!


Hey Cinderella! (1969) (TV)
Cinderella: Wow! That carriage ride was fast! How did you get that thing to run like that?
Kermit the Frog: Oh, it's pretty simple. All you have to do is dangle a radish in front of him.
[turns to the monster]
Kermit the Frog: Radish! Radish!

Prince Arthur Charming: Hey, that's the slipper! Hey, where did you find it?
Kermit the Frog: Well if that dog wants to stay healthy, he'd better stop burying slippers in Splurge's raddish patch. The big fellow wasn't happy.

Cinderella: Oh Arthur, I still can't believe it!
Prince Arthur Charming: Now what can't you believe?
Cinderella: That all our troubles are over and we're going to live happily ever after.
Kermit the Frog: [to the audience] Ah, I could have solved this whole thing months ago, but who listens to a frog?

Kermit the Frog: What you want is a girl who doesn't know you. And that's impossible, so why don't you just give up and go back to your gardening?
Prince Arthur Charming: What's the point? I'm a terrible gardener. The only things that grow in this mud are the gerraniums, and they were planted by the people we rented this castle from.
Kermit the Frog: Aw, don't sell yourself short. Those tangerines over there don't look so bad. A little small maybe, but...
Prince Arthur Charming: Those are pumpkins.
Kermit the Frog: Uh huh. You know something?
Prince Arthur Charming: What?
Kermit the Frog: It's lucky you're a prince because you'd never make it as a gardener.


Tales from Muppetland: The Frog Prince (1971) (TV)
Sir Robin the Brave: I'm valiant and daring/And noble of bearing,/Couragous and gallant,/A mountain of talent./No wonder folks curtsy and wave/I'm Robin, Sir Robin, the Brave.
Kermit: You're also a frog.

Kermit: A frog does not dog-paddle!

Kermit: Will you stop talking about the princess? You know, she's not even green.

Kermit: You're crazy; you can't swim!
Robin: But if I go back on my word it will be... unprincely.
Kermit: And if you drown it'll be unfrogly.


"The Muppet Show: Pearl Bailey (#3.5)" (1978)
Floyd: [wearing a suit of armor] Oh, my little green friend. You have much indeed to learn about today's slang.
Kermit: How do you mean, Floyd?
Floyd: Well, when I said I wanted to get into something heavy for the final number, Sir Knight of the Iron wasn't it.

Scooter: Oh, boy, oh, boy, chief. Are we in trouble.
Kermit: What now?
Scooter: You know how you're planning to do the jousting scene from Camelot?
Kermit: Of course. That's the show's grand finale.
Scooter: Well, the people that published the music from Camelot just called and they won't let you do it.
Kermit: What? I was willing to give them credit! I would've given them a big build up! I would have given anything to do the jousting scene!
Scooter: They want money.
Kermit: Cancel the jousting scene.
Scooter: Gee whiz, chief. I thought you said we had 14.95 in the cash box
Kermit: Yeah, well I spent 13.50 on the suits of armor.

Floyd: I mean, why cast me? This knight business is an actor's gig. I am a musician, remember?
Kermit: Well, Floyd, I wanted you to play the knight because you fit the part, you see. You're the only one of us with real gallantry. The only one of us with real honor.
Scooter: The only one of us who'd fit in that iron suit.
Kermit: Scooter, I needed that like I need a broken leg!
Floyd: Okay, you need a broken leg, I'll fall on you again.

Kermit: Now listen. This is a great chance for you. Besides, in the same jousting scene, you get to fight the Black Knight.
Floyd: Who is the Black Knight?
Kermit: Well, that's part of the fun. You see, no one will know. It's kept a complete and absolute mystery.
[the Black Knight enters, sporting a distinctive hook-nosed helmet]
The Great Gonzo: The world will forever wonder who I am!
Kermit: Though some may harbor suspicions.


"Muppets Tonight: Andie MacDowell (#2.11)" (1998)
Carrie: [counting down all the frogs she's kissed] Thirtyfour was Jeremiah.
Kermit (as Charles): Jeremiah?
Carrie: Jeremiah was a bullfrog. He was a very good friend of mine.
Kermit (as Charles): And you never understood a single word he said,
Kermit (as Charles), Waiter: But you helped him drink his wine?
Carrie: I've no idea what you're talking about.

Clifford: Yo yo yo yo yo, Kerm, Kerm!
Kermit the Frog: Yeah, yeah?
Clifford: Listen, we got to do something about Dr. Dew. He's becoming Dr. Loop di dew.

Kermit the Frog: [to the monkey writing staff] Hey, you guys did really good. You can go touch the monolight now.


"Muppet Babies: Nice to Have Gnome You (#8.5)" (1991)
Kermit: Nanny says imaginations run wild around books, but this is ridiculous.

Piggy: You're a mouse.
Kermit: Uh-huh, so are you. Want some cheese?
Piggy: So am I what?
Kermit: A mouse, here, take a look.
Piggy: [screams] I'm a mouse!
Kermit: That's what I said.
Piggy: Well what happened? I don't want to be a mouse.
Kermit: Well um, I think you sort of fell into my imagination, sorry.
Piggy: Can you believe this?
Kermit: Are you sure you don't want some cheese?

Piggy: Scooter, Skeeter, is that you?
Skeeter: Uh huh, we're cater... pillars.
Scooter: Hey, we're mice! What happened?
Piggy: Don't ask.
Kermit: I guess imaginations go kind of crazy around all these books.


A Muppets Christmas: Letters to Santa (2008) (TV)
Miss Piggy: How long does it take to mail a stinking letter?
Kermit the Frog: Piggy, you have to be patient.
Miss Piggy: Well, I'm going to talk to the mayor.
Michael Bloomberg: Yes, Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy: Oh, Mayor Bloomberg! Take me to the front of this line.
Michael Bloomberg: Sorry, Miss Piggy, but that would be rude, and one thing New York is known for is niceness.
Miss Piggy: What has he done to this city?

Kermit the Frog: This post office is going postal!

Miss Piggy: Kermit, if you really want to go to the North Pole, then go ahead.
Kermit the Frog: Oh, thank you, Piggy.
Miss Piggy: And do me a favor. When you get there... stay there!


"The Muppet Show: Candice Bergen (#1.15)" (1976)
Candice Bergen: Kermit, he ate my camera.
Kermit: You're lucky. Last week he ate the guest.

Kermit: My profile has been compared to Barrymore.
Sweetums: Yeah, Ethel Barrymore.

Miss Piggy: Kermit, do you notice that every time we have a beautiful girl on the show, you forget about me?
Kermit: Uh, yeah, well, we could have a seal act on the show, and I might forget about you.
Miss Piggy: He tries so desperately to hide his love for me.


"Muppet Babies: Noisy Neighbors (#1.1)" (1984)
Newsanchor: This is Clyde Crumpet with the morning news yesterday's South American Earthqauke...
Animal: [shouts] Earthquake Earthquake
[the other Muppets start feeling the effect of the earthquake]
Kermit: Gonzo the channel change the channel.
Animal: Earthquake Earthquake
[laughs and Gonzo then changes the channel]

Gonzo: [Turns the channel on the tv to a superhero show] Oh boy this is my favorite.
Female Citizen#1: Look up in the clouds.
Female Citizen#2: It's a duck...
Male Citizen: It's a blimp...
Gonzo: [Puts on a rug as a cape] No it's Super Gonzo!
[Goes into television set]
Kermit: Gonzo?
Piggy: Gonzo come back.
Animal: Super Gonzo?

Gonzo: [Gonzo as Cluck Kent is stuck in the elevator during a dream] Uh were was I?
Kermit: I believe you were plunging to certain doom.
Gonzo: Oh yeah This is a job for...
[Removes trench coat and hat and grows taller with muscles]
Gonzo: Super Gonzo!


"The Muppet Show: Bob Hope (#2.21)" (1978)
Fozzie Bear: [from behind the stage] Psst!
Kermit the Frog: Hey, Fozzie. Is Bob Hope here yet?
Fozzie Bear: No, I'm just going out to lunch. C... can I get you anything?
Kermit the Frog: Uh, Bob Hope.
Fozzie Bear: Sorry. You'll have to settle for salami on rye.

Scooter: Hey, Boss? That cannonball agency just called. They're gonna send Bob Hope back.
Kermit the Frog: Oh, when will he be here?
Scooter: Soon. They're sending him by canon.
[above them, a loud whistling noise sounds, they follow it by glancing above them and to their side when something is heard crashing to the floor]
Bob Hope: [walks on screen] Eat your heart out, Concord!

Kermit the Frog: [singing] The frog has come to have his say. The pig will never get her way. Bib and napkin, knife and fork, is the only way that I'll touch pork.


"Muppets Tonight: Michelle Pfeiffer (#1.1)" (1996)
The Great Gonzo: Here on Monday we have "Murphy Prawn" and "The Single Duck in the City with his Apartment Full of Friends." And for this evening's show right now we have "TBA" followed by the "X-Flies"...
Kermit the Frog: Excuse me Gonzo, but "TBA" means to be announced which means we don't have a show for tonight!

Kermit the Frog: So, who want's to volunteer to host this new show?
[everbody runs out of the room]

Clifford: I've always wanted to have my own show. Man, this is great! So when does it start?
Kermit the Frog: In about thirty seconds.
[Clifford faints]


Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue (1990) (TV)
Kermit: There's nothing cool about a fool on drugs!

Michael: What's wrong? What's happening?
Kermit: Drugs! This what they do to your brain, Michael.
Gonzo: Actually, this is just one artist's conception.

Michael: Hey! He's gonna fall!
Kermit: Abandon brain!
Gonzo: Weirdos and pigs first!


The Muppets: A Celebration of 30 Years (1986) (TV)
[last lines]
Kermit the Frog: Well, thanks, everybody. It's been a great birthday party. We start our second thirty years tomorrow, so rehearsal begins at 9 AM sharp. I'll see you then.

Robin the Frog: Uncle Kermit, what's your favorite thing about the Muppets?
Kermit the Frog: Well, you know, Robin, there are times when the Muppets aren't funny.
Robin the Frog: Hmm. Yeah, but I always figured that's the writer's fault.
Kermit the Frog: Well, no, I'm really talking about those times when we don't *try* to be just funny, and I think maybe those are my favorite parts.

Fozzie Bear: Oh, excuse me, everybody! Now it is my turn to say something very, very special about our wonderful frog here.
Kermit the Frog: Uh, Fozzie, let's not get mushy.
Fozzie Bear: [shocked] Oh, frog of my heart! Is it mushy to say thank you for the faith that you've had in us all?
[the huge crowd of Muppets all gather around the two while somber music plays in the background]
Fozzie Bear: Is it mushy to say thank you for making us a success in the show business? For all the hours of joy you have brought to the world?
Kermit the Frog: Uh, Fozzie...
Miss Piggy: He isn't kidding, you know, Kermit.
Sgt. Floyd Pepper: Yeah, listen to the bear, my frog.
Fozzie Bear: [on the verge of tears] And so, Kermit... I just... I just want to say...
[he starts sobbing]
Fozzie Bear: Oh, I can't go on; would you roll the film?


"The Muppet Show: Alice Cooper (#3.7)" (1978)
Kermit: [Alice Cooper is the guest star; candle is walking on his desk unaided] It wasn't this scary when Julie Andrews did the show.

The Great Gonzo: [offstage] This is the voice of doom!
Kermit: Sounds more like the voice of Gonzo.
[Gonzo appears in a cloud of smoke, holding a paper]
Kermit: Gonzo, is that the contract from the devil?
The Great Gonzo: No, Kermit, it's worse than that. This is the bill from special effects.

Kermit: William Tell act, onstage, let's go.
William Tell: D-d-d-don't sh-sh-sh-shout at me it m-makes me n-n-n-nervous!


Sesame Street, Special (1988) (TV)
Kermit the Frog: Uh, public affairs and news? McNeill-Lehrer? Bill Moyers?
Oscar the Grouch: Not my cup of mud.

Kermit the Frog: Hi ho there. This is Kermit the Frog and I'm here to find out why Oscar the Grouch likes public television.
Oscar the Grouch: I don't like public television!

Kermit the Frog: How about live concerts?
Oscar the Grouch: I prefer recorded concerts on badly scratched records.
Kermit the Frog: How about movie classics in the original black and white without interruptions?
Oscar the Grouch: I prefer colorized versions with lots and lots of commercial interruptions!


"The Muppet Show: Peter Sellers (#2.19)" (1978)
[Sellers is standing in his dressing room, alone, wearing pantaloons, a corset, boxing gloves, and a viking helmet with horns and braids]
Peter Sellers: And now, We are ready to receive him...
[Kermit enters]
Kermit: Uh, what is this?
Peter Sellers: It was to have been, my dear Kermit, it was to have been a glorious impersonation of her late majesty Queen Victoria.
Kermit: Well, what went wrong?
Peter Sellers: I couldn't remember what she looked like.

Kermit: [suddenly runs in] Aha! So THAT'S what's been going on around here all night! You've been zapping people in and out of my theatre ...
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Mr. Kermit, please, I'm in the middle of a scientific demonstration...
Kermit: Yeah, well, I'm in the middle of a nervous breakdown!

Fozzie Bear: Kermit! Kermit! Oh no, the next act just cancelled!
Kermit: What? But that was a terrific act! Prunella and her Prancing Poultry.
Kermit: Yeah, I know, yeah, Kermit, about that poultry, you see, yesterday...
[removes his hat]
Kermit: ... duck-hunting season began


The Muppets' Wizard of Oz (2005) (TV)
Kermit the Frog as "Scarecrow": [Angry; referring to the crow pecking at him] That's the last straw!
Crow: No, I see one right here!

Kermit the Frog as "Scarecrow": [to Wizard of Oz] Hello there, Mr. Oz. By any chance are you related to Frank Oz?

Quentin Tarantino: And then... just as Dorothy and the wicked witch charge at each other, BAM, blowout fight scene! The gals whip out these huge samurai swords, and they just TEAR IT UP! I'm talking kung-fu! I'm talking walking on walls! I'm talking explosions everywhere!
[imitating explosions]
Quentin Tarantino: Psshh. Psshh. Psshh! I'm talking Oz in flames! Burn baby burn! You digging it?
Kermit the Frog: Sounds, um, a bit violent for a family film.
Quentin Tarantino: Okay fine. We pull back on the violence. Pull back on the explosions. Pull back on the burn baby burn. Alright... ya' know. Less kung-fu. But instead, are you ready? Ya ready?
Kermit the Frog: Yeah, yeah!
Quentin Tarantino: Morphing.
Kermit the Frog: Morphing?
Quentin Tarantino: Morphing. Crazy morphing! We're talking Piggy turning into Gonzo, mutating into Scooter. Scooter turning in to a big, busty vampire vixen who explodes in a sea of crimson blood! Hahahahaha. All done in the classic Japanese anime style. You know, for the kids.
Kermit the Frog: Um, yeah. Sounds... expensive.
Quentin Tarantino: Think, think, think, think, think. I can work with this. Think, think, think
[snaps fingers]
Quentin Tarantino: I got it!
[climbing on the table]
Quentin Tarantino: Dorothy... big bad Dorothy goes to kick the witch, are ya ready for this... are ya ready?
Kermit the Frog: Yeah.
Quentin Tarantino: ...In the face!
Kermit the Frog: Hmmm... oh. Now that we can afford
Quentin Tarantino: [hits the table with joy] YES!


"The Muppet Show: Lynn Redgrave (#3.23)" (1979)
Kermit: Hold fast, good sir, lest I strike you again with my quarterstaff!
Guard: That's a cheap weapon. Mine cost fifty cents.
Kermit: That's a cheap joke. You'll pay for that!

Lynn Redgrave: Kermit, this has been a most unique theatrical experience.
Kermit: Oh, thank you. We can take that as a compliment?
Lynn Redgrave: Umm...

Kermit: Gonzo's trying to get himself killed.
Floyd: Yeah, but he won't make it. He never succeeds at anything. Best he can hope for is maimed.


"The Muppet Show: Lesley Ann Warren (#3.15)" (1979)
Lesley Ann Warren: You know, Kermit, I thought you were the one person on this show who wasn't crazy.
Kermit the Frog: Me not crazy? I hired the others.

Kermit the Frog: And now, for the second time this evening, the Great Gonzo will attempt a motorcycle jump off of this stage into that box up there, landing safely between those two elderly gentlemen!
Statler: We're not afraid. We know Gonzo!
Waldorf: If at first you don't succeed, fail, fail again!


"The Muppet Show: Rudolf Nureyev (#2.13)" (1978)
Sam the American Eagle: Now, remember. When Mr. Nureyev arrives, we must be dignified, we must be respectful.
Rudolf Nureyev: [wearing street clothes] Hey, you guys. Here I am.
Sam the American Eagle: Not for long, you are not! We are waiting for Mr. Nureyev.
Kermit: Hey...
Sam the American Eagle: I'll handle this.
[pushes Rudolf out the door]
Sam the American Eagle: Get out of here, you freak! You hippie! You weirdo! Get out! Move, move! Get a hair cut! Who do these punk kids think they are?
Kermit: That one thinks he's Rudolf Nureyev.
Sam the American Eagle: What?
Kermit: I-In fact, that was Rudolf Nureyev.

Kermit: Thank you, thank you, thank you! Hi there and welcome to The Muppet Show!
Sam the American Eagle: You call THAT dignity?
Kermit: Uh, I'm sorry, Sam. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed an honor to welcome you to The Muppet Show.


"The Muppet Show: Harvey Korman (#1.10)" (1976)
Kermit the Frog: Okay, time, once again, for that furry, fuzzy, funnyman, fabulous, free-wheeling, fast and frantic Fozzie Bear!
Fozzie Bear: Hey hey hey hey hey! W-wait, wait wait wait, froggy, not so fast. Tonight, I'm going to use your assistance. Yes, sir. You and I are going to tell the world's funniest joke. This is all spontaneous, unrehearsed. Right, froggy?
Kermit the Frog: It's unrehearsed, right.
Fozzie Bear: Okay, okay, okay.
[clears throat]
Fozzie Bear: Now, frog of my heart, you will just wait until I say the word "hear". When you hear me say the word "hear", you will rush up to me and say, "Good grief! The comedian's a bear!"
Kermit the Frog: Good grief! The comedian's a bear!
Fozzie Bear: Check.
Kermit the Frog: When you say the word "hear"?
Fozzie Bear: Right.
Kermit the Frog: Gotcha.
Fozzie Bear: Okay. Now then... Hiya, hiya, hiya! You're a wonderful looking audience! It's a pleasure to be here!
Kermit the Frog: Good grief! The comedian's a bear!
Fozzie Bear: Not yet!
Kermit the Frog: But you just said "here".
Fozzie Bear: That was the wrong "here".
Kermit the Frog: Which is the right "here"?
Fozzie Bear: The other "hear"!
[sends Kermit off]
Fozzie Bear: Go, go, go. Okay. Hey, hey, folks, this is a story you gotta love to hear!
Kermit the Frog: Good grief! The comedian's a bear!
Fozzie Bear: Will you stop that?
Kermit the Frog: But you said "hear"!
Fozzie Bear: Not *that* "hear"!
Kermit the Frog: Well, which "hear"?
Fozzie Bear: Another "hear"!
Kermit the Frog: How'm I gonna know?
Fozzie Bear: You'll know when you hear!
Kermit the Frog: Good grief! The comedian's a bear!

[the "Good grief, the comedian's a bear" routine continued]
Fozzie Bear: Alright, listen, you will know when I point to you.
[Kermit goes off-stage grumbling]
Fozzie Bear: Alright, don't grumble.
[clears throat, to audience]
Fozzie Bear: Say, a funny thing to me on the way to the theater. At the stage door, I passed a bunch of Muppet fans and suddenly I hear...
[pause, Fozzie points to Kermit]
Kermit the Frog: Good grief, the comedian's a bear.
Fozzie Bear: [in Italian dialect] No, he's-a not! He's-a wearin' a neck-a-tie!


Sesame Street Presents: Follow that Bird (1985)
Newscaster: This news just in, concerning a 6-year-old runaway. The runaway is an eight-foot yellow bird who answers to the name Big Bird.
Grover: Did you say Big Bird?
Newscaster: That's right, Big Bird. He left his nest in Ocean View, Illinois last night, and is reportedly heading east for a place called Sesaim Street.
Grover: Sesaim Street?
Newscaster: [after hearing corrections from someone off-camera] Sesame Street. Sorry.
Grover: Oh!
Newscaster: Here now with the report is our correspondent, Kermit the Frog.
Kermit the Frog: [to someone else] Okay. Here's one. Why does the chicken NOT cross the road? 'Cause it's chicken. Get it?
[he laughs, then turns to the camera, as he's on]
Kermit the Frog: Oh, hi-ho! Kermit the Frog here in Ocean View, Illinois, with the thank-you note Big Bird left saying he was running back to Sesame Street. The note reads: "Dear Dodos, you are a very nice family. Thanks for everything, but I'm walking back to Sesame Street. I should be there in three hours, since it took two hours to fly here. So if anyone calls, you know where to reach me. Love, Big Bird." And here is the family that he left, the Dodos.
Daddy Dodo: Oh, are we on television?
Kermit the Frog: Um, yes, you are.
Mommy Dodo: Let's go inside and watch!
Kermit the Frog: Uh, now who'd run away from a family like that?

Kermit the Frog: You think maybe he didn't like it here or something?
Miss Finch: Impossible!
Kermit the Frog: Well, what are you going to do about it, Miss Finch?
Miss Finch: I'm going to find Big Bird, wherever he is, and bring him back to the Dodos.


"The Muppet Show: Loretta Swit (#5.2)" (1980)
Loretta Swit: Oh, now, Kermit, you know how important Miss Piggy is to this show.
Kermit the Frog: Well...
Loretta Swit: And, Miss Piggy, you know you wouldn't be happy anywhere else.
Miss Piggy: Hmmm...
Loretta Swit: Aw, so come on now, let's sing a nice, warm, lovely together song.
Kermit the Frog: I hate sappy songs like that!
Loretta Swit: Alright then, why don't you two just kiss and make up?
Kermit the Frog: Well, let's sing the sappy song!
Miss Piggy: You don't make it easy, Frog!

Kermit the Frog: Piggy, have you been planting items about us in the gossip papers again?
Miss Piggy: Um... well... uh... uh... what would make you think a thing like that?
Kermit the Frog: The photographer who was just here. He was from Tongue Magazine.
Miss Piggy: Oh. Uh-huh... Well, it was just a little teeny-tiny item.
Kermit the Frog: [Getting angry] It was a cover story about us being secretly married!
Miss Piggy: Just a little slight exaggeration.
Kermit the Frog: [shouting] That's a bold-faced lie, Piggy! I will not stand around while you do dumb things like that, Piggy! You've done that to me too many times, Piggy! I will not stand for it! I will not stand for it!
Miss Piggy: Well, what are you going to do?
Kermit the Frog: [Still shouting] I'll tell you what I'm going to do, Piggy. I'm going to *fire* you! Piggy, you are fired! You are fired, Piggy! You are fired! Fired!


"The Muppet Show: Paul Simon (#5.11)" (1980)
Kermit the Frog: OK, well, we've done a lot for the music-lovers on the show, so it's time we did something for the music-haters. So here he is, as threatened, the Great Gonzo singing a song.
[cheers weakly]
Kermit the Frog: Yay. Uh, those of you with hearing aids may wish to remove the batteries.

Kermit the Frog: Gonzo, you're not going to sing are you? Why don't you do that act you rehearsed?
Gonzo: What? Perform an underwater heart transplant on myself?
Kermit the Frog: Sure, why not?
Gonzo: I don't know. Last time I did it, I died!


Kermit's Swamp Years (2002) (V)
Kermit: What was that?
Pilgrim: That was a pig.
Kermit: I hope I never see another one of those again as long as I live.

[Kermit catches a fly]
Horace D'Fly: [muffled] Hey, let me out, you don't know where I've been!
Kermit: [distorted] Okay
[Kermit releases the fly]
Horace D'Fly: You used to be faster, Kermit.
Kermit: Well, you used to be thinner, Horace!
Horace D'Fly: Yeah, I really should stay off those Pu Pu platters!


"The Muppet Show: Mummenschanz (#1.24)" (1977)
Kermit: Uh, Miss Piggy, while I am flattered at this display of affection, allow me to remind you once again that I do not want you.
Gonzo: [to Kermit] Oh, good, then can I have her?
[Miss Piggy karate chops both of them at once, one with each hand]
Miss Piggy: [to audience] That is known as getting two turkeys with one chop.

Miss Piggy: Kermit? That was a low and dirty trick, setting up a date with me and Gonzo. Wasn't it?
Kermit: Oh, yeah, yeah I suppose it was. Mhm, I'm sorry.
Miss Piggy: Oh! Kermit, thank you for apologizing so sincerely and abjectly to your lover pig.
Kermit: Well, that wasn't exactly an abject apology.
Miss Piggy: [Gonzo has come up behind Piggy and is nuzzling up to her] GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU TWIT TURKEY!
[to Kermit]
Miss Piggy: Kermit, now that you've begged for my forgiveness...
[to Gonzo]
Miss Piggy: DON'T TOUCH ME, YOU JIVE GEEK!
[to Kermit]
Miss Piggy: ...why don't we just kissy-poo and make up, my darling?
[to Gonzo]
Miss Piggy: YOU'RE BREATHING ON ME!
[to Kermit]
Miss Piggy: Kissy-kissy?
Kermit: Uh, Miss Piggy, while I am flattered at this display of affection, allow me to remind you once again that I do not want you.
Gonzo: Oh, good, then can I have her?
Miss Piggy: [Miss Piggy karate chops both of them at once, one with each hand] That is known as getting two turkeys with one chop.


"The Muppet Show: Harry Belafonte (#3.14)" (1979)
Kermit the Frog: Fozzie, what are you doing with this typewriter on my table?
Fozzie Bear: Kermit, I am writing the script for this week's show!
Kermit the Frog: What makes you think the show needs a script?
Fozzie Bear: Oh, come on Kermit! Every show has a script! Yeah, that way you leave nothing to chance!
[Rowlf and Lew Zealand enter, about to go on stage for the Musical Moment]
Fozzie Bear: Hey guys! Guys! This is the Musical Moment for this week.
Rowlf the Dog: [reading] Uh, "Curtains open. Lew Zealand and Rowlf do something funny..."
Fozzie Bear, Rowlf the Dog: [Fozzie reads with him] "... Curtains close."
Fozzie Bear: [Rowlf and Lew Zealand exit for the stage] Go get 'em!
Kermit the Frog: You leave nothing to chance, huh?
Fozzie Bear: Trust me.

Kermit the Frog: [reading from script] Uh, Thank you, thank you... Fozzie, this is not going to work.
Fozzie Bear: Just read off the page, frog.
Kermit the Frog: Um... Leggies and genglefins. "Leggies and genglefins"?
Fozzie Bear: Let's see.
Kermit the Frog: It says "Leggies and genglefins."
Fozzie Bear: All right, so my typing is bad.
Kermit the Frog: Leggies and genglefins, welcun again to tie Mupple Shocks. Uh, my name is Kermit the Forg... The Forg?
Fozzie Bear: Come on, pick up the pace. Here we go.
Kermit the Frog: And our spegial guest stap is the amazing Hapry Bela... That's Harry Belafonte, folks.
Fozzie Bear: Kermit, your timing must be off. You should be getting big laughs with that stuff.
[Kermit screams Fozzie off the stage]
Kermit the Frog: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Harry Belafonte!


"Muppet Babies: Dental Hyjinks (#1.3)" (1984)
Kermit: I have a toothache too, Nanny.
Rowlf: Kermit, frogs don't have any teeth.
Kermit: [to camera] I won't tell if you won't.

Kermit: What's the apple for, Piggy?
Piggy: Hmmm, an apple a day keeps the dentist away.


"The Muppet Show: Don Knotts (#2.1)" (1977)
Sgt. Floyd Pepper: Okay, green thing. The band has asked me to have a word with you.
Kermit the Frog: Yeah?
Sgt. Floyd Pepper: I refer, specifically to the closing number.
Fozzie Bear: Oh, boy.
Kermit the Frog: Uh, well, I tell you, this is not my fault this time. See, because Fozzie Bear is helping me plan tonight's show, and he was the one that wanted the band to play "Lullaby of Birdland.'' That was Fozzie.
Sgt. Floyd Pepper: So, this is the bear's doing, huh?
Kermit the Frog: You bet.
Fozzie Bear: Oh, hi, Floyd. Uh, isn't "Lullaby of Birdland" all right?
Sgt. Floyd Pepper: All right? Hey, it's terrific!
Fozzie Bear: It is?
Kermit the Frog: It is?
Sgt. Floyd Pepper: Yeah. "Lullaby of Birdland" is a jazz classic. At last we have some decent music on this gig.
Fozzie Bear: [to Kermit] Ha!
Sgt. Floyd Pepper: Yeah, "Lullaby of Birdland." Why isn't the bear running things around here?
Fozzie Bear: Yeah. Why isn't the bear running things around here?
Kermit the Frog: Yeah, why isn't the frog auditioning new comedians?
Fozzie Bear: Why isn't the bear keeping his mouth shut.

Kermit the Frog: Floyd, Floyd, it's time to do "Lullaby of Birdland."
Sgt. Floyd Pepper: Ohh, yeah. Speaking of which, uh, since I'm playing vibes in this number, we're gonna need another player for the bass.
Kermit the Frog: Floyd, how can I find a bass player now? You're on.
Fozzie Bear: Hey, Kermit, no problem! I have already found the perfect bass player. Floyd, you just go out there and start cookin' baby.
Sgt. Floyd Pepper: Ah, yeah, my bear. I knew you were a gas.
Fozzie Bear: Yes, all right! And I will introduce this number for my hip brothers, green stuff. He-hey!
Kermit the Frog: The, uh, bear has wigged out.


"The Muppet Show: Elton John (#2.14)" (1978)
Sam the American Eagle: Kermit, about this Elton John.
Kermit: Yeah?
Sam the American Eagle: I have seen some pretty WEIRD guests on this show, but this Elton John borders on the revolutionary!
Kermit: Sam, Elton John is a very important musician.
Sam the American Eagle: Then why does he dress like a stolen car?

Kermit: [to the alligators] Okay, okay, how many times do I have to tell you guys: no eating guest stars a the beginning of the show. Hey, Miss Piggy - Miss Piggy, is Elton John okay?
Miss Piggy: Okay? He's fantastic!
Kermit: [to camera] Yeah.


"The Muppet Show: George Burns (#2.10)" (1977)
Fleet Scribbler: Say, is it true you're dropping a lot of stuff from the show this year?
Kermit the Frog: Uh, no, no, not particularly.
Fleet Scribbler: Aha. "Muppets Relying on Same Old Tired Junk."
Kermit the Frog: Uh, wait, wait, wait. On the other hand, we have a lot of brand-new, innovative stuff.
Fleet Scribbler: Oh, "Muppets Changing Format, Desperate to Sustain Show."
Kermit the Frog: I never knew the press could be so depressing.

Kermit the Frog: Say, how many of those cigars do you smoke?
George Burns: About twenty a day. At my age, I have to hold on to something.


"Muppet Babies: Bearly Alone Babies (#8.3)" (1991)
Newscaster: "Mad Dog Marvin" who gained fame breaking into houses at night wearing a ski-mask has escaped.
[the babies gasp]
Newscaster: In other news, authorities have cautioned local residents to protect themselves...
Kermit: Did you hear that, Fozzie? We're supposed to protect ourselves.
Rowlf: From a skiing dog burglar.

Newscaster: As the storm is due in this evening with gale force winds and heavy rain, double check to make sure all your windows and doors are locked so nothing can get in.
Nanny: Oh my, did you hear that, kids? I better check all those windows and doors before it gets too late.
Kermit: Can we go with you, Nanny?
Rowlf: Yeah, we kind of don't want to be down here without you.
Nanny: What? Okay, come on, let's start in the basement.
Animal: Good idea!
Rowlf: That's where all burglars try to get in, the basement!
Kermit: Oh great!


Christmas Eve on Sesame Street (1978) (TV)
Kermit the Frog: One kid thinks that Santa Claus gets into the house at Thanksgiving and hides in the laundry hamper until Christmas Eve.


"The Muppet Show: Sylvester Stallone (#3.20)" (1979)
Miss Piggy: We must've used every dumb Hawaiian joke in the book.
Hawaiin Pig: Hey, Hawaiians aren't dumb. You'll be hearing from my people back on Noman!
Kermit the Frog: Noman?
Hawaiin Pig: Noman is an island.


Muppets Most Wanted (2014)
Kermit: Not one single person noticed I'd been replaced by an evil criminal mastermind?
Fozzie Bear: It sounds worse than it was...
Walter: No, it's as bad as it sounds.


"Muppets Tonight: Billy Crystal (#1.3)" (1996)
Kermit the Frog: It's "Muppets Tonight" with our very special guest star, Billy Crystal! Yea!


"The Muppet Show: Julie Andrews (#2.17)" (1977)
Kermit the Frog: [Swedish Chef has drawn cut lines on a real cow] Scooter, would you erase that cow?
Scooter: Oh sure, boss.
[goes to do it, then turns to the audience]
Scooter: Erase the cow?


"The Muppet Show: Cheryl Ladd (#3.24)" (1978)
Kermit: Are we ready back there?
Voice: Who wants to know?
Kermit: I do.


"Muppet Babies: The Great Muppet Cartoon Show (#2.10)" (1985)
Gonzo, Animal, Fozzie, Rowlf, Piggy, Kermit, Skeeter, Scooter: [all singing; repeated chorus] We love cartoons; we love all the action / We love cartoons, how they dance and sing / We love cartoons, they're the main attraction / Cartoon heroooes can do anything!


"Muppet Babies: Is There a Muppet in the House? (#5.4)" (1988)
Kermit: YIIIIPE! My imagination sure is scary today!


"The Muppet Show: Gilda Radner (#3.4)" (1978)
Gilda Radner: A seven-foot tall talking carrot?
The Carrot: Watch it, lady. I'm a star. I sang the hit song from Cole.
Kermit the Frog: Cole? Cole Porter?
Gilda Radner: Cole slaw. They paid him a huge celery.
The Carrot: Now she's stealing my jokes.


"The Muppet Show: Edgar Bergen (#2.7)" (1977)
Charlie McCarthy: Bergen, call the janitor. There's a toad loose in the theater.
Edgar Bergen: Charlie, Kermit is supposed to be here.
Charlie McCarthy: Yeah?
Edgar Bergen: Yes. And besides, don't you know the difference between a frog and a toad?
Charlie McCarthy: No, I guess not.
Kermit the Frog: Well, you see, frogs are handsome, debonair and charming, while toads are ugly and give you warts.
Charlie McCarthy: I see. I guess that means the toad is supposed to be here.


"The Muppet Show: Carol Burnett (#5.15)" (1980)
Carol Burnett: Kermit, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but this is one of the three worst shows I've ever seen.
Kermit: What were the other two?
Carol Burnett: There are no other two; I was just being kind.


"The Muppet Show: Liberace (#3.9)" (1978)
Kermit: And now I want you to close your eyes and think of exotic Greek dancers, because if you open them you'll see this.


"The Muppet Show: Roger Miller (#3.21)" (1979)
Kermit: Gonzo, I've got to go on stage. Don't say anything about this
The Great Gonzo: Gee, that won't be easy.
Kermit: Yeah, well it could disrupt the show. Just act normal.
The Great Gonzo: That won't be easy either.


"The Jim Henson Hour: Aquatic Life (#1.2)" (1989)
Digit: [as water comes out of his ears] Why am I thinking Niagra Falls?
Kermt the Frog: You got water in the brains.


"The Muppet Show: Bernadette Peters (#2.12)" (1977)
Robin the Frog: [Kermit has just told him to sing "I'm Five" instead of "They Call the Wind Maria". As he stalks off flailing his arms] This is outrageous! I'm going to call my agent! I'm going to call my lawyer!
Kermit the Frog: [calls after him] I'm going to call your father!
Robin the Frog: [returns] I'm going to go and learn this cute little song!


"The Muppet Show: Rita Moreno (#1.5)" (1976)
Kermit: [during Talk spot] Well, Rita, what we have now is what we call our 'Talk Spot', where the guest star sits and talks casualy with the frog.
Rita Moreno: Yeah, yeah, I know, Kermit. But can I say something? Haven't you noticed that on all these varity shows, the guess stars always come off so phony? I mean, you KNOW that they're rehearced. You KNOW that they are reading cue cards.
Kermit: But, Rita, on our show...
[looks past the camera as if reading que cards]
Kermit: But, Rita... wait a minuet... But, but Rita on our show WE do not use any cue cards, Rita... On our show... we do not...
Rita Moreno: KERMIT!


"The Muppet Show: Danny Kaye (#3.16)" (1978)
Kermit the Frog: Well, you probably didn't know the Swedish Chef had an uncle... and neither did we, until he arrived just now...


"The Muppet Show: Hal Linden (#5.17)" (1980)
Statler: You know, I never liked their theme music.
Waldorf: Neither did I.
Kermit the Frog: You promised!
[Statler and Waldorf laugh]


Tales from Muppetland: The Muppet Musicians of Bremen (1972) (TV)
Kermit the Frog: You may have noticed that the heroes in this story are all animals, and the villains are all people. I hope none of you take that personally.


"The Muppet Show: Roy Clark (#3.3)" (1978)
Kermit: If anything goes wrong here, Fozzie...
[shouts]
Kermit: You are fired!
[exits]
Fozzie: [to himself] Fi-fi-fired? My nerves are shot! Still, what could go wrong? I mean... the stage is set, the star has arrived, the audience is happy...
Scooter: The theater's on fire.
Fozzie: ...the theater's on fire...
[beat]
Fozzie: [shouts] The theater's on fire?


"The Muppet Show: Vincent Price (#1.19)" (1977)
Kermit the Frog: Hey, I always wanted to ask you - in all your old movies you turn into a vampire; how do you do that?
[Vicent opens his mouth to reveal a pair of fangs; the audience of Muppet monsters cheer]
Kermit the Frog: Wow. How do you do that?
Vincent Price: Well, if you will forgive my modesty, Kermit, that is the talent of the actor's. You see, it requires immense capability, years of emotional training, and vast physical concentration. Understand?
Kermit the Frog: [with a mouth sporting vampire's fangs] Oh, sure.
[chuckles]
Vincent Price: Oh, well, some people learn faster than others.
[Kermit bites his neck]
Vincent Price: AHHHHH!


"The Muppet Show: James Coburn (#5.5)" (1980)
Kermit the Frog: Oh, boy, finally we have a real Hollywood tough guy on this show.
James Coburn: [Animal enters, flinging a squid he attacked from the first act off him, and breaking a chair around his neck] What do you call this - the Easter bunny?


"The Muppet Show: Roy Rogers and Dale Evans (#3.22)" (1978)
Fozzie: Hey, Kermit, Kermit! This bunch of cows loves me. I'm a hit!
Kermit: Not bunch, herd.
Fozzie: Heard of what?
Kermit: Herd of cows.
Fozzie: Sure I heard of cows! Aah!
Kermit: No, I mean the cow's herd.
Fozzie: Of course they heard. I was talking right to them.


"Muppets Tonight: Dennis Quaid (#2.7)" (1997)
Dennis Quaid: [in Dragonheart spoof] Froggo, your reign of terror is over! I, Circumference of the Circle shall fight you to the death!
Kermit the Frog: [offscreen] Oh, get over thyself!
Dennis Quaid: [surprised] Hey, you don't sound like Sean Connery!
Kermit the Frog: Yeah, well, you don't sound like Jerry Lee Lewis!
Dennis Quaid: Ooooh, getting personal! Stand back, everyone!


"The Muppet Show: Charles Aznavour (#1.9)" (1976)
Gonzo: Kermit, are you busy?
Kermit: Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a moment.
Gonzo: What would I do with your ear?
Kermit: Van Gogh impressions.


"The Muppet Show: Roger Moore (#5.24)" (1980)
Roger Moore: Kermit, is it always like this on the show?
Kermit: Like what, Roger?
Roger Moore: Well, all this craziness.
Kermit: Oh, well, actually this has been a rather quiet show for us. No unforeseen disasters so far.
[He is run over by the Vet's Hospital cast]
Roger Moore: No unforeseen disasters?
Kermit: Uh, that was a disaster we knew about all along.


"Robot Chicken: Poisoned by Relatives (#6.4)" (2012)
Kermit the Frog: [Miss Piggy breaks Kermit's pelvis during sex] Get off of me, you fucking wildebeest!


"The Muppet Show: Zero Mostel (#2.2)" (1977)
Kermit the Frog: It's time for our special guest to do something special.


"The Muppet Show: Raquel Welch (#3.11)" (1978)
Kermit the Frog: For tonight, we are honored to present the one and only Miss Raquel Welch.
Miss Piggy: [clears her throat] Pity we can't book an *important* guest star once in a while.
Kermit the Frog: W-What are you saying, Piggy? Tonight, we have an internationally acclaimed actress, singer, dancer, and one of the sexiest ladies alive!
Miss Piggy: You get that every night, Frog!


"Muppet Babies: The Muppet Broadcasting Company (#3.5)" (1986)
Scooter: Hey, my computer won't work without power!
Rowlf: Yeah, neither will my record player.
Piggy: We can't even watch TV.
Kermit: Gee, without electricity we can't do anything.
Nanny: Of course you can, your imaginations work without electricity.