Kermit the Frog
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Quotes for
Kermit the Frog (Character)
from Tales from Muppetland: The Frog Prince (1971) (TV)

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It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie (2002) (TV)
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Muppet movies are always the best.
Kermit: You mean that?
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: FOR ME TO POOP ON!

[In a parody of 'Moulin Rouge.']
Robin: I'm the Green Fairy.
Kermit: But what are you doing in my drink?
Fozzie: The backstroke.

Daniel: I know that Bitterman changed the contract.
Kermit: Wha- how do you know THAT? Oh, wait a second, you don't run one of those Muppet Internet fan sites, do ya?

Kermit: [whispers] Psst, come close.
[Daniel leans foreward and Kermit shouts]
Kermit: I wish I had never been born!

Kermit: I wish I've never been born!

Kermit: We're going to get you that money.
Rachel Bitterman: Yeah, when pigs fly.
[Miss Piggy suddeny comes flying by, dangling from the "five golden rings"]
Rachel Bitterman: For the record, I consider that flying pig to be a coincidence and not a sign from God!

Kermit: [watching Rizzo the Rat on "Fear Factor"] How can NBC live with themselves?

The Great Gonzo: Hmmm. Let's see. Shiny nose, laughing and calling names... I got it! Meet the new star of our show: Frosty the Snow-Rat!
Kermit: Gee Gonzo, I thought you would have gone with Rizzo the Red-Nosed Rat-Deer.
The Great Gonzo: Well, sure, if you want to go for the obvious.

Kermit: Uh, merry Christmas. I can see you really like cats.
Miss Piggy: Doesn't everyone?

Kermit: [as Miss Piggy is advertising over the phone] Piggy, what are you doing? You're not Jamaican.
Miss Piggy: Yeah, well I'm not psychic either.

Kermit: The park! It's back! I'm back! And I've got spit in my eye, but I don't care, because I'm back, thanks to you, Daniel!

Kermit: W-who are you? You look like some sort of ice cream man from 'Hello, Dolly!'

Daniel: I know. We'll alert the press. We'll start a media frenzy...
Kermit: It's no use. Bitterman owns the papers, she owns the television stations, and three-quarters of the internet.
Daniel: How can one person own so much?
Kermit: Corporate synergy. It's out of control.
[Kermit crosses his legs, exposing an NBC logo under his flipper]

Kermit: Well, he's acting a little strange, but gee, it's good to know Fozzie turned out basically okay.
Daniel: Yeah, if being a pickpocket is okay.
Kermit: What?
[looks down and realizes]
Kermit: He took my wallet! Unbelievable!
Daniel: And you don't even have pockets. Even more unbelievable.

The Great Gonzo: This is Luc Fromage. He works with Cirque Du Soilet.
Luc Fromage: Behold, I give you my theatrical masterpiece!
Kermit: "Cirque Du So Lame?" Luc, I don't think it would be nice to have the word "lame" in our show.
Luc Fromage: It is not "lame"! It's "lah-mehy"!

Kermit: Ms. Bitterman, you can take the Muppet Theatre, but you'll never take the theatre in our hearts!
Rachel Bitterman: Well, that's good, because I don't want the theatre in your hearts; I want the theatre that exists in reality!

Kermit: [reading a sign in the park] "Thank you, Kermit, for all you have done for the lovers, the dreamers and you."
Kermit: Dreams. Bitterman's right. I ruined everyone's lives with my ridiculous dreams.

Kermit: Can we make enough money?
Dr. Honeydew: Yes... I mean, no... I mean, yes...
[Opens window where Beeker's hand is caught]
Dr. Honeydew: Beaker, do you have my wax pencil? Oh, never mind, here it is.
[Closes window on Beeker's hand again]
Dr. Honeydew: Yes, if we fill 1,900 seats...
Kermit: But that's impossible!
Dr. Honeydew: Or not pay anyone 'til New Year's.
Kermit: Oh, that's not so bad.
Dr. Honeydew: ...of next year.

Kermit: [on the phone with Kelly] Right, right. Listen, we are all big fans. I watch you every morning. And we were wondering if you'd come out and star in our Christmas show at the Muppet Theater.
Kermit, Kelly Ripa: I don't know, Kermit. I was hoping to spend the holidays with my loved ones.
Kermit: [on the phone with Molly] Well, good golly, Miss Molly. You are such a big star, it would be an honor to us if you would come out and be in our show.
Herself - Cameo Appearance: Let me remind you about the last time I worked with a frog. We fell madly in love. So, naturally I have a key made to his apartment. I break in and reorganize his closets while he's at work as a little favor. And how a I rewarded for going to all this trouble? The frog stops calling me. Remember that?
Kermit: [and the rejects begin] Hey there, Madonna, want a free Muppet t-shirt? Courteney, can you juggle? Thanks, Mr. Connery. I understand, Mr. Schwarzenegger. Hello, Mister Rogers? Hello, Angelina? Oh, hi there, Britney? Hello, Nicole? Gee, I could sure do with a little star power around there, Triumph. Is there any way you could help me out?
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Muppet movies are always the best.
Kermit: You mean that?
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: For me to poop on!
Kermit: Right, right, ya got me again, bye-bye.
[hangs up]

Muppets from Space (1999)
Pepe: Hey, Kermit. When will you fix the oven, okay?
Kermit: What's wrong with the oven?
[oven explodes]
Pepe: That.

Kermit: You know what you are, Gonzo?
Gonzo: What?
Kermit: Distinct.

Gonzo: Well, it's just that I'm sick and tired of being a one-of-a-kind freak, that's all.
Kermit: Gonzo, you are not a one-of-a-kind freak. You're a, uh... uh...
Gonzo: A whatever?
Kermit: Well... yeah.

Gonzo: Rizzo?
Rizzo: Gonzo?
Miss Piggy: Kermy?
Kermit: Piggy?
TV Producer: What is going on here?

Miss Piggy: I've got great news! Gonzo has been kidnapped by the government and it could be a life-threatening situation!
Kermit: How can that be great news?
Miss Piggy: Because, I've got a story, I've got a story! Oh! I need to change! Something that says journalistic integrity.

Kermit: [on spy gadgets] Ahah. The old rubber ducky with invisibility-spray trick. Check.

Kermit: Okay, guys. It's up to us. We have to save Gonzo from a whole army of government agents.
Fozzie: Well, I have a joke book.
Animal: Drumsticks, drumsticks!
Pepe: I have some loose jello, okay.
Kermit: Okay. Well that settles that.

[Gonzo appears on live TV]
Clifford: Hey, you better get down there, Kerm.
Kermit: Relax. No one is going anywhere, okay?
Gonzo: [on TV] You see, I was contacted through my breakfast cereal, and then it was confirmed to me by the Cosmic Fish that I am definitely from outer space.
Rizzo: So you want to go now, or wait for the commercial?
Kermit: Now.

Kermit: What is he doing up there?
Rizzo: His breakfast cereal told him to sit up there.
Clifford: Talk about whole grain and nuts.

Kermit: He's one of us. And no matter what happens, no matter what obstacles we face, we NEVER forget one of our own.
Miss Piggy: I love it when you take charge.
Fozzie Bear: Hey! We left Bunsen and Beaker back at the gas station.
Kermit: Okay... Well, uh, from THIS point on , no matter what happens, we never forget one of our own.

Kermit: Okay, guys. We've got to get through those doors.
Fozzie Bear: Should we just ask permission from those nice men with the rifles?

Gonzo: Now we can go meet my alien brothers at Cape Doom.
Kermit: Uh, what makes you think that aliens are landing there, Gonzo?
Gonzo: Oh, a sandwich told me.

Kermit: When we pull together, we can do anything.

Kermit: So... you'll write?
Gonzo: Oh, yeah, sure I'll write. There's probably a mailbox every couple of light years.

Kermit: Oh, hey Gonzo! I thought you were performing at a bar mitzvah?
Gonzo: No, I got the Electric Mayhem to cover for me.
Dr.Teeth: Shalom!

Gonzo: What a great day.
Kermit: Mm-hmm.
Gonzo: That was probably the best day of my whole life. There's just one thing I still don't understand.
Kermit: What's that, Gonzo?
Gonzo: Why did they ask me to build a jacuzzi?
Rizzo, Pepe: [snickering]

Kermit: [after the 'Door in a Jar' forms but the door is too small] Gee, that's disappointing.
Miss Piggy: Perfect. Somebody knock and see if Barbie's home.

The Muppets (2011)
Rico Rodriguez: Are you one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?
Kermit the Frog: Yes I am!

Kermit the Frog: Do what I do: Imagine the audience naked.

Kermit the Frog: What? You kidnapped Jack Black? That's illegal!
Fozzie Bear: What's more illegal, Kermit: briefly inconveniencing Jack Black, or destroying the Muppets?
Kermit the Frog: Kidnapping Jack Black, Fozzie!

TV Executive: No.
TV Executive: No.
TV Executive: Lo siento, pero no.
Kermit the Frog: [excited] Oh, you hear that, guys?
[the Muppets cheer]
TV Executive: That means no.
Kermit the Frog: Oh.

Kermit the Frog: Jack Black's got nothing.

Rowlf: How come you didn't use me in the montage? I thought my story was pretty interesting.
[cut to Rowlf snoring in a hammock on his porch surrounded by other Muppets]
Kermit the Frog: Rowlf?
Rowlf: Huh?
Kermit the Frog: You wanna get back together?
Rowlf: Okay.
[cut back to the car]
Rowlf: Heh heh. Classic.

Gary: It sounds like you guys aren't getting back together any time soon.
Kermit the Frog: [sadly] No.
Mary: This is going to be a *really* short movie.

Miss Piggy: Kermit, we found a celebrity! Jack Black has graciously agreed to host the show for us.
Kermit the Frog: That's great! Where is he?
Miss Piggy: In the trunk.
Jack Black: [Inside car trunk] Get me out of here!

Kermit the Frog: [singing] Was there more I could have said?/Now they're only pictures in my head/That's why my green is feeling gray/Even frogs have rainy days

Kermit the Frog: Listen everybody, we've got nothing to be ashamed of. And you know why? Well because, thanks to Walter here we tried. And if we failed, we failed together and to me that's not failing at all. And I don't care what anybody says, I don't care if no one believes in us because... I believe. I believe in you. And you. And you. You know what's important isn't this building or name, it's each other. So I say fine, let's just start from the bottom and work our way back up to the top. Let's all walk out through these doors with our heads held up high, as a family because that's what we are.

Walter: But Kermit, you have to try! The Muppets are AMAZING! You give people the greatest gift that can ever be given!
Kermit the Frog: Children?
Walter: No, the OTHER gift.
Kermit the Frog: Ice cream?
Walter: No, no, after that...
Kermit the Frog: Laughter?
Walter: YES! The THIRD greatest gift ever!

A Muppet Family Christmas (1987) (TV)
Kermit: Don't you think we should've called your mother and let her know we were coming?
Fozzie Bear: Oh, how little you understand bears, Kermit. My mother loves surprises.
Gonzo: Well, good, cuz she's in for a honey.

Kermit: You don't have to explain, Doc. If there's one thing Piggy knows, it's how to make an entrance.

Kermit: Where is your partner?
Fozzie Bear: Outside.
Kermit: Outside? Fozzie it's too cold to go outside.
Fozzie Bear: It's not cold.
Kermit: It *is* cold!
Fozzie Bear: It's not cold.
Snowman: [entering the house] Can I come in and warm up?
Fozzie Bear: Okay, so it's cold.

Fozzie Bear: Kermit, now can I tell you about my new act?
Kermit: I'm all ears.
[hears Sprocket barking]
Kermit: Now what can that be?
Fozzie Bear: What does he mean he's all ears? Frogs don't even have ears!

Kermit: [halting Gonzo and Turkey's argument] Hark! What do I hear?
Gonzo: You're about to hear me make some turkey hash!
Kermit: No, no, listen: me thinks me hears carolers!

Maureen the Mink: Hi, I'm Maureen the Mink.
Miss Piggy: What?
Kermit: She said, "Hi, I'm Maureen the Mink."

Kermit: Well, everybody, it's Christmas Eve and the tree is trimmed, so it's time for our annual carol sing. Take it, Rowlf.

Kermit: Another crisis solved.
Robin: Yeah, there sure are a lot of us here.
Kermit: Well, all families start to come together.
Robin: We always get together at Christmas.
Kermit: Yeah, life would just pass in a blur if it weren't for times like this.

Robin: [as he and Kermit search for Fraggles at Fraggle Rock] Do you think this is really Fraggle Rock?
Kermit: Well, I don't know, but if I were a Fraggle, this is the kind of place I'd hang out.

Muppet*vision 3-D (1991)
Kermit the Frog: We will also see a rousing finale from Sam the Eagle. What's it called, Sam?
Sam the Eagle: It's called "A Salute to All Nations, But Mostly America".

Kermit the Frog: Sam, are you ready with that finale?
Sam the Eagle: It's a glorious three-hour finale!
Kermit the Frog: You got a minute and a half.

[a banana cream pie comes flying out of the screen]
Kermit the Frog: What is that?
Fozzie Bear: Isn't it great? It's my new remote-controlled banana cream pie. Hey Kermit... Watch this!
[Fozzie presses a button and the remote control breaks causing the pie to spin and end up on Fozzie's face]
Kermit the Frog: Oh, Fozzie, that's terrible!
Fozzie Bear: [tasting it] Yeah, you're right... needs more sugar.

Kermit the Frog: And our demonstration will also include a little song from Miss Piggy...
Miss Piggy: [irritably clearing throat] Little?
Kermit the Frog: Little? Did I say little? I meant to say it's a huge, showstopping, major song from Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy: [sweetly] That's more like it.

Kermit the Frog: We invited some of the most distinct scientists to come and work here. Unfortunately, none of them showed up.

Kermit the Frog: [talking about the show] It's going to be a swell demonstration, and at no time will we be stooping to any cheap 3D tricks.
[Fozzie Bear enters]
Fozzie Bear: Did you say "cheap 3D tricks"?
Kermit the Frog: Uh...
[Fozzie blows a party streamer horn in the audience's direction]
Fozzie Bear: Ah! Oh, oh, and here's something I wanted to *spring* on you!
[he takes out a peanut can and opens the lid. Spring snakes pop out]

[last lines]
Kermit the Frog: [coming in from hole in the wall on the end of a fire truck's ladder] Uh, well, uh, ladies and gentlemen I'd like to apologize for the slight technical difficulties, but I do wish to assure you that no one was hurt and this theater only suffered minor damage. So, thank you very much for coming to see this demonstration of Muppet*Vision Technology and enjoy the rest of your day and come see us again sometime!

The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)
Kermit the Frog: If you please Mr. Scrooge, it's gotten colder, and the bookkeeping staff would like an extra shovel full of coal for the fire?
Rat #1: We can't do the bookkeeping, all our pens have turned to inkcicles!
Rat #2: Our assets are frozen!
Ebenezer Scrooge: How would the bookkeeping staff like to be suddenly... UNEMPLOYED?
Rats: [singing] HEAT WAVE. This is my island in the sun...

Ebenezer Scrooge: Bob Cratchit, I've had my fill of this.
Miss Piggy: And I have had my fill of you, Mr. Scrooge.
Ebenezer Scrooge: And therefore, Bob Cratchit...
Miss Piggy: And therefore, you can leave this house at once.
Ebenezer Scrooge: And therefore, I'm about to raise your salary!
Miss Piggy: Ooh, and I am about to raise you right off the pavement...! Pardon?
Kermit the Frog: Pardon?

Kermit the Frog: It's all right, children. Life is made up of meetings and partings. That is the way of it. I am sure that we shall never forget Tiny Tim, or this first parting that there was among us.

Ebenezer Scrooge: I'll see you tomorrow morning at 8.
Rats: [whispering] Ask him, ask him.
Kermit the Frog: Tomorrow's Christmas, sir.
Ebenezer Scrooge: 8:30, then.
Kermit the Frog: Uh, if you please Mr. Scrooge, half an hour off hardly seems customary for Christmas Day.
Rats: No, no.
Ebenezer Scrooge: How much time off *is* customary?
Kermit the Frog: Why, uh... The whole day.
Rats: Yeah, yeah!
Ebenezer Scrooge: The *entire* day?
Rats: No, no. That's the frog's idea...

Kermit the Frog: If you please sir, why open the office tomorrow? Other businesses will be closed; there'll be no one to do business with. It'll waste a lot of expensive coal for the fire!
Rats: Yeah!
Ebenezer Scrooge: It's a poor excuse for picking a man's pocket every December the 25th. But as I seem to be the only man who knows that... take the day off.

Ebenezer Scrooge: Let us deal with the eviction notices for tomorrow, Mr. Cratchit.
Kermit the Frog: Uh, tomorrow's Christmas, sir.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Very well. You may gift wrap them.

The Muppets' Wizard of Oz (2005) (TV)
Kermit the Frog as "Scarecrow": [Angry; referring to the crow pecking at him] That's the last straw!
Crow: No, I see one right here!

Kermit the Frog as "Scarecrow": [to Wizard of Oz] Hello there, Mr. Oz. By any chance are you related to Frank Oz?

Quentin Tarantino: And then... just as Dorothy and the wicked witch charge at each other, BAM, blowout fight scene! The gals whip out these huge samurai swords, and they just TEAR IT UP! I'm talking kung-fu! I'm talking walking on walls! I'm talking explosions everywhere!
[imitating explosions]
Quentin Tarantino: Psshh. Psshh. Psshh! I'm talking Oz in flames! Burn baby burn! You digging it?
Kermit the Frog: Sounds, um, a bit violent for a family film.
Quentin Tarantino: Okay fine. We pull back on the violence. Pull back on the explosions. Pull back on the burn baby burn. Alright... ya' know. Less kung-fu. But instead, are you ready? Ya ready?
Kermit the Frog: Yeah, yeah!
Quentin Tarantino: Morphing.
Kermit the Frog: Morphing?
Quentin Tarantino: Morphing. Crazy morphing! We're talking Piggy turning into Gonzo, mutating into Scooter. Scooter turning in to a big, busty vampire vixen who explodes in a sea of crimson blood! Hahahahaha. All done in the classic Japanese anime style. You know, for the kids.
Kermit the Frog: Um, yeah. Sounds... expensive.
Quentin Tarantino: Think, think, think, think, think. I can work with this. Think, think, think
[snaps fingers]
Quentin Tarantino: I got it!
[climbing on the table]
Quentin Tarantino: Dorothy... big bad Dorothy goes to kick the witch, are ya ready for this... are ya ready?
Kermit the Frog: Yeah.
Quentin Tarantino: ...In the face!
Kermit the Frog: Hmmm... oh. Now that we can afford
Quentin Tarantino: [hits the table with joy] YES!

Dorothy: [referring to the Tin Thing] You think he's stuck?
Scarecrow: Do you think he needs our help?
Toto: You think he can check my e-mails?

Scarecrow: You know, I'd give my stuffed flipper for only half of your brain.
Tin Thing: Take it from me, brains don't make you happy.

Dorothy: We're on our way to see the Wizard of Oz, and he's gonna make me a famous singer.
Scarecrow: Yeah, and he's gonna give me a brain.
Toto: Si, and he'll probably going to give me lots of moneys, okay.

Muppets Most Wanted (2014)
Kermit: You mean all this time I've been trapped in a Russian Gulag, no one, not one single person from the Muppets, except Animal, noticed I'd been replaced by an evil criminal mastermind?
Fozzie Bear: It sounds worse than it was...
Walter: No, it's as bad as it sounds.

Kermit: Bear left!
Fozzie Bear: Right, frog!

Kermit: The weakest point in the gulag is over there, by the fourth wall.
[Kermit, Fozzie, Walter, and Animal turn and stare at the camera for several long seconds]

Miss Piggy: You may be the world's most dangerous frog, but you're still a FROG!
[beats up Constantine]
Miss Piggy: [in between punches] NO - ONE - TRICKS - ME - INTO - MARRYING - THEM - AND - THEN - HURTS - MY - KERMIE!
Constantine: [dazed] What a woman...
Kermit: Yeah, MY woman! And I believe this belongs to you!
[smacks Constantine with his mole]

Kermit: Piggy, I'm sorry I ruined your wedding...
Miss Piggy: Oh, Kermie... I'm so glad you did.
[they kiss]

"Walt Disney's Wonderful World of Color: The Muppets at Walt Disney World (#34.23)" (1990)
Kermit: We're both members of FASA - Fictional Animal Stars of America.

Young Girl: My mother always told me you should never give up on a dream.
Kermit: Didn't your mother tell you not to talk to strange frogs?
Young Girl: There's a song she taught me that has a message for you.
Kermit: Now you're gonna sing me a song?

Kermit: Miss Piggy, how are we going to explain this to Big Bird?

Mickey Mouse: Well, you know what we always say: "When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true."
Kermit: Actually, what we say is: "Someday, you'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers, and you."
Floyd: Uh-oh. They're starting to argue philosophy.

Miss Piggy: Kermit, this is a stinkin' bog!
Kermit: Yes, isn't it terrific?

Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue (1990) (TV)
Kermit: There's nothing cool about a fool on drugs!

Michael: What's wrong? What's happening?
Kermit: Drugs! This what they do to your brain, Michael.
Gonzo: Actually, this is just one artist's conception.

Michael: Hey! He's gonna fall!
Kermit: Abandon brain!
Gonzo: Weirdos and pigs first!

[as Michael sees her future, he sees himself in a deathbed, with a terrifying look if he uses drugs too much]
Michael: That's- that's me. This is my future?
Daffy Duck: It is if you don't get so drugged!
[some cartoon characters visit and help Michael]
Gordon 'ALF' Shumway: You use, you lose!
Baby Piggy: Listen to us, Mikey! We care about you!
Bugs Bunny: What's up, doc, is your life! If you don't cut it out.
Kermit: There's nothing cool about a fool on drugs!
Huey, Dewey, Louie: [altogether] Just believe in yourself!
Michaelangelo: Yeah! You're excellent just the way you are! Without drugs!
Michael: [scared] HOW DO I GET OUT OF HERE?
[a door back to Michael's room appears in front of him and the characters]

Tales from Muppetland: The Frog Prince (1971) (TV)
Sir Robin the Brave: I'm valiant and daring/And noble of bearing,/Couragous and gallant,/A mountain of talent./No wonder folks curtsy and wave/I'm Robin, Sir Robin, the Brave.
Kermit: You're also a frog.

Kermit: A frog does not dog-paddle!

Kermit: Will you stop talking about the princess? You know, she's not even green.

Kermit: You're crazy; you can't swim!
Robin: But if I go back on my word it will be... unprincely.
Kermit: And if you drown it'll be unfrogly.

Hey Cinderella! (1969) (TV)
Cinderella: Wow! That carriage ride was fast! How did you get that thing to run like that?
Kermit the Frog: Oh, it's pretty simple. All you have to do is dangle a radish in front of him.
[turns to the monster]
Kermit the Frog: Radish! Radish!

Prince Arthur Charming: Hey, that's the slipper! Hey, where did you find it?
Kermit the Frog: Well if that dog wants to stay healthy, he'd better stop burying slippers in Splurge's raddish patch. The big fellow wasn't happy.

Cinderella: Oh Arthur, I still can't believe it!
Prince Arthur Charming: Now what can't you believe?
Cinderella: That all our troubles are over and we're going to live happily ever after.
Kermit the Frog: [to the audience] Ah, I could have solved this whole thing months ago, but who listens to a frog?

Kermit the Frog: What you want is a girl who doesn't know you. And that's impossible, so why don't you just give up and go back to your gardening?
Prince Arthur Charming: What's the point? I'm a terrible gardener. The only things that grow in this mud are the gerraniums, and they were planted by the people we rented this castle from.
Kermit the Frog: Aw, don't sell yourself short. Those tangerines over there don't look so bad. A little small maybe, but...
Prince Arthur Charming: Those are pumpkins.
Kermit the Frog: Uh huh. You know something?
Prince Arthur Charming: What?
Kermit the Frog: It's lucky you're a prince because you'd never make it as a gardener.

A Muppets Christmas: Letters to Santa (2008) (TV)
Miss Piggy: How long does it take to mail a stinking letter?
Kermit the Frog: Piggy, you have to be patient.
Miss Piggy: Well, I'm going to talk to the mayor.
Michael Bloomberg: Yes, Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy: Oh, Mayor Bloomberg! Take me to the front of this line.
Michael Bloomberg: Sorry, Miss Piggy, but that would be rude, and one thing New York is known for is niceness.
Miss Piggy: What has he done to this city?

Kermit the Frog: This post office is going postal!

Miss Piggy: Kermit, if you really want to go to the North Pole, then go ahead.
Kermit the Frog: Oh, thank you, Piggy.
Miss Piggy: And do me a favor. When you get there... stay there!

"Muppets Tonight: Andie MacDowell (#2.11)" (1998)
Carrie: [counting down all the frogs she's kissed] Thirtyfour was Jeremiah.
Kermit (as Charles): Jeremiah?
Carrie: Jeremiah was a bullfrog. He was a very good friend of mine.
Kermit (as Charles): And you never understood a single word he said,
Kermit (as Charles), Waiter: But you helped him drink his wine?
Carrie: I've no idea what you're talking about.

Clifford: Yo yo yo yo yo, Kerm, Kerm!
Kermit the Frog: Yeah, yeah?
Clifford: Listen, we got to do something about Dr. Dew. He's becoming Dr. Loop di dew.

Kermit the Frog: [to the monkey writing staff] Hey, you guys did really good. You can go touch the monolight now.

"Muppets Tonight: Michelle Pfeiffer (#1.1)" (1996)
The Great Gonzo: Here on Monday we have "Murphy Prawn" and "The Single Duck in the City with his Apartment Full of Friends." And for this evening's show right now we have "TBA" followed by the "X-Flies"...
Kermit the Frog: Excuse me Gonzo, but "TBA" means to be announced which means we don't have a show for tonight!

Kermit the Frog: So, who want's to volunteer to host this new show?
[everbody runs out of the room]

Clifford: I've always wanted to have my own show. Man, this is great! So when does it start?
Kermit the Frog: In about thirty seconds.
[Clifford faints]

Sesame Street, Special (1988) (TV)
Kermit the Frog: Uh, public affairs and news? McNeill-Lehrer? Bill Moyers?
Oscar the Grouch: Not my cup of mud.

Kermit the Frog: Hi ho there. This is Kermit the Frog and I'm here to find out why Oscar the Grouch likes public television.
Oscar the Grouch: I don't like public television!

Kermit the Frog: How about live concerts?
Oscar the Grouch: I prefer recorded concerts on badly scratched records.
Kermit the Frog: How about movie classics in the original black and white without interruptions?
Oscar the Grouch: I prefer colorized versions with lots and lots of commercial interruptions!

Kermit's Swamp Years (2002) (V)
Kermit: What was that?
Pilgrim: That was a pig.
Kermit: I hope I never see another one of those again as long as I live.

[Kermit catches a fly]
Horace D'Fly: [muffled] Hey, let me out, you don't know where I've been!
Kermit: [distorted] Okay
[Kermit releases the fly]
Horace D'Fly: You used to be faster, Kermit.
Kermit: Well, you used to be thinner, Horace!
Horace D'Fly: Yeah, I really should stay off those Pu Pu platters!

Christmas Eve on Sesame Street (1978) (TV)
Kermit the Frog: One kid thinks that Santa Claus gets into the house at Thanksgiving and hides in the laundry hamper until Christmas Eve.

"Muppets Tonight: Billy Crystal (#1.3)" (1996)
Kermit the Frog: It's "Muppets Tonight" with our very special guest star, Billy Crystal! Yea!

"Robot Chicken: Poisoned by Relatives (#6.4)" (2012)
Kermit the Frog: [Miss Piggy breaks Kermit's pelvis during sex] Get off of me, you fucking wildebeest!

Tales from Muppetland: The Muppet Musicians of Bremen (1972) (TV)
Kermit the Frog: You may have noticed that the heroes in this story are all animals, and the villains are all people. I hope none of you take that personally.

"Muppets Tonight: Dennis Quaid (#2.7)" (1997)
Dennis Quaid: [in Dragonheart spoof] Froggo, your reign of terror is over! I, Circumference of the Circle shall fight you to the death!
Kermit the Frog: [offscreen] Oh, get over thyself!
Dennis Quaid: [surprised] Hey, you don't sound like Sean Connery!
Kermit the Frog: Yeah, well, you don't sound like Jerry Lee Lewis!
Dennis Quaid: Ooooh, getting personal! Stand back, everyone!

John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together (1979) (TV)
John Denver: The mosquitoes aren't bad.
Kermit the Frog: Aren't bad? They're delicious.