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: Meg, when I'm with you, I-I don't feel so alone. Meg
: Sometimes it's better to be alone. Hercules
: What do you mean? Meg
: Nobody can hurt you.
: You like making deals. Take me in Meg's place. Hades
: Hmm. The son of my hated rival trapped forever in a river of death. Hercules
: Going once... Hades
: Is there a downside to this? Hercules
: Going twice... Hades
: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. You get her out. She goes, you stay.
[Hercules dives in to save Megara
: Oh, you know what slipped my mind? You'll be dead before you can get to her.
[calls out as Hercules goes deeper
: That's not a problem, is it?
: Wow. What a day. First that restaurant by the bay. And then that, that play, that, that, that Oedipus thing. Man, I thought *I* had problems.
: Uh, so how'd you get stuck with the... Meg
: Pinhead with hooves? Well, you know how men are. They think "No" means "Yes" and "Get lost" means "Take me, I'm yours."
[Hercules doesn't understand
: Don't worry, maybe Shorty here can explain it to ya.
: I didn't know that playing hooky could be so much fun! Meg
: Yeah, neither did I.
: Aren't you... a damsel in distress? Meg
: I'm a damsel, I'm in distress, I can handle this. Have a nice day.
: But, Father, I've defeated every single monster I've come up against. I-I'm... I'm the most famous person in all of Greece. I'm... I-I'm an action figure!
: People are... are gonna get hurt, aren't they? Hades
: Nah. I mean, it's, you know, it's a possibility. It happens 'cause, you know, it's war, but what can I tell ya. Anyway, what do you owe these people, huh?
: You know, wh-when I was a kid, I-I would have given anything to be exactly like everybody else. Meg
: You wanted to be petty and dishonest? Hercules
: Everybody's not like that. Meg
: Yes, they are. Hercules
: You're not like that. Meg
: How do you know what I'm like?
: Listen to me. I've seen 'em all, and I'm telling you - and this is the honest to Zeus truth - you got something I've never seen before. Hercules
: Really? Phil
: I feel it right down to these stubby bowlegs of mine. There is nothing you can't do, kid.
[the door bursts open and a swarm of fan girls mobs Hercules
] Fan Girl #1
: There he is! Fan Girl #2
: I touched his elbow! Fan Girl #1
: I GOT HIS SWEAT BAND! Hercules
: [goes down
] Phil... help!
: Kid, listen to me. She's... Hercules
: A dream come true? Phil
: Not exactly. Hercules
: More beautiful than Aphrodite? Phil
: Aside from that. Hercules
: The most wonderful... Phil
: She's a fraud! She's been playing you for a sap! Hercules
: Stop kidding, Phil. Phil
: I'm not kidding. Phil
: I know your upset about today, but that's no... Phil
: You're missin' the point! Hercules
: I love her! Phil
: She don't love you! She's nothing but a two-timin'... Hercules
: Stop it! Phil
: Low-down, lyin', schemin'... Hercules
: Stop it!
: [as she lies dying
] Meg, why did you... You didn't have to... Meg
: People do crazy things... when they're in love.
: So what's in Thebes? Phil
: A lot of problems. It's a big, tough town. Good place to start building a rep.
[Suddenly, a woman's scream is heard
: Sounds like your basic DID: a damsel in distress.
[the Hydra appears
: Phil, what is that thing? Phil
: Two words:
: Pardon me. It seems to me that what you folks need is a hero. Tall Thebian
: Yeah? And who are you? Hercules
: I'm Hercules, and I happen to be... a hero.
] Elderly Thebian
: Is that so? Have you ever saved a town before? Hercules
: Uh... no, not exactly. But... Tall Thebian
: Have you ever reversed a natural disaster? Hercules
: Well... no. Tall Thebian
: Will you listen to this? He's just another chariot chaser. This we need.
: Think your nanny goat would go berserk if you played hooky this afternoon? Hercules
: Oh gee, I don't know. Phil has the rest of the day pretty much booked. Meg
: Aw, Phil, Schmil. Just follow me, out the window, round the dumbells, you lift up the back wall and we're gone.
: Uh, uh, uh, I'm, um, uh, uh, uh... Meg
: Are you always this articulate? Hercules
: Hercules. My... my name is Hercules. Meg
: Herc... huh. I think I prefer Wonderboy.
: Hercules! Thank goodness. Hercules
: Wha-Wha-What's wrong? Meg
: Oh! Outside of town. Two little boys! Th-They were playing in the gorge! Th-There was this rock slide, a terrible rock slide! They're trapped! Hercules
: Kids? Trapped? Phil, this is great! Meg
: You're really choked up about this, aren't ya?
: Kid, kid, kid. How many horns do you see? Hercules
: Six? Phil
: Ah, close enough. Let's get you cleaned up.
: How can I come down there, when I'm feeling so up?
: Halt! Nessus the River Centaur
: Step aside, Two-Legs. Hercules
: Pardon me, my good, uh... uh... sir!
[after Hercules cuts his way out of the Hydra's belly
: Gee, Phil, that... that wasn't so hard.
[as Hercules is welcomed onto Olympus, Meg turns away sadly
: Father, this is the moment I've always dreamed of.
[goes to her
: But a life without Meg, even an immortal life, would be... empty. I... I wish to stay on earth with her. I finally know where I belong.
: [Hercules starts toward the Cyclops
] What are you doing? Without your strength, you'll be killed! Hercules
: There are worse things.
: Careful, that's part of the mast of the Argo. Young Hercules
: *The* Argo? Phil
: Ya. Who do you think taught Jason how to sail? Cleopatra?
: What's the matter? You never seen a satyr before? Young Hercules
: Uh, no. Can you help us? We're looking for someone called Philoctetes. Phil
: Call me Phil.
: Hey, hey, hey. Hold on, kiddo. What's your hurry? After all these years, is that the kind of "hello" you give your father? Young Hercules
: F-F-Father? Zeus
: Didn't know you had a famous father, did you? Surprise!
: But if I don't become a true hero, I'll never be able to rejoin my father Zeus. Phil
: Hold it. Zeus is your father, right? Young Hercules
: Uh-huh. Phil
] Zeus, the big guy. He's your daddy. Ha-ha-ha. Mr Lightning Bolts. "Read me a book, would you, Da-Da?" Ha-ha-ha. Zeus. Phil
: [mimics Zeus
] "Once upon a time... " Ha-ha-ha. Young Hercules
: It's the truth. Phil
[after arriving at the market
] Amphitryon; Hercules Foster Father
: Now, Hercules, this time... Young Hercules
: I know. "Stay by the cart." Amphitryon; Hercules Foster Father
: [sighs in relief
] That's my boy.
: I need your help. I want to become a hero, a true hero. Phil
: Sorry, kid. Can't help ya. Young Hercules
[Hercules rips out the door trying to open it
] Young Hercules
: Uh, sorry. Why not? Phil
: Two words: I-am-retired.
: Ha, ha, ha. You have strucked Hercules.
: Hercules hides from no man!
: Hercules has no need of money!
: Bucks? Doe? What is all this zoological talk about male and female animals?
: You could do great harm. Hercules
: Ahm To Oom?
: [throwing an attacking robber aside
] How dare you touch Hercules!
: [Grabs forklift truck, stopping it dead
] A fine chariot... but where are your horses?
: [noticing a poster for a "Hercules" stage show
] Oh look, you're famous. Hercules
: That is not Hercules! And who is that monster who looks as if he has come straight from the kingdom of the underworld? Helen Camden
: Oh no, this is a motion picture, a play! Really, you mustn't take yourself so seriously. Hercules
: He doesn't even look like me! Look...
[takes his sweater off
] Helen Camden
: What... what are you doing?
[noticing his impressive muscles
] Helen Camden
: Oh wow! Hercules
] Does he? Hahahah. Does he? Helen Camden
: I... I... I... I really wish you'd put your shirt back on. He isn't supposed to look like anyone other than the actor who plays the part. Hercules
: What is the name of that imitator? Who gave him permission to pretend to be Hercules? Helen Camden
: I think we outta go. Hercules
: Hey, Mister! Watch your talk! Hercules
: I can hear my talk. I cannot watch it.
: PUT THAT DISCUS DOWN!
: No Jason, it's no use to go on torturing yourself. You'll never know who killed your father now Crion's dead. Jason
: I wanted so badly to get at the truth, but he would never tell me. He could read my thoughts, he felt my desire for revenge. Ercole
: And I see by the look in your eyes that your desire for revenge is bound to grow worse. Jason
: I feel it. The desire for revenge dominates all my thinking, but the assassin has no face and I don't know his name.
: My father said you put strength ahead of everything, but I know you want us to use our forces only to serve our intelligence. Ercole
: And you are right. Alright. Now, you will stay by my side and I'll teach you to fight. But not only with your hands. And some day, your friends and enemies will honor you and name you the wise.
Iole, Daugher of Pelias
: What's the matter? Why do you sit and stare at me like that? Ercole
: I don't know. So few women come this way. Iole, Daugher of Pelias
: And so? Ercole
: As long as your here, I might as well. I never saw a girl more beautiful.
: The sun is high already. You sleep too much. Iphitus, Son of Pelias
: The pleasures I enjoy must aggravate you, but it's early, so please don't start that eternal nagging just because I delayed the great Hercules.
: Don't you really want me to stay here, Ilole? Iole, Daugher of Pelias
: It doesn't matter, just so long as you'll be with me. Oh, if you said you didn't love me and we were parted. To move alone through that house, to hear what the people say. Do stay.
: That's very good, a fine jump. But next time, try to end up on your feet. Ercole
: I wanted you to notice me. I want to be like you, Hercules. Ulysses
: And you will, my boy, because you have a strong will.
: I've come a long way. Seeing you was worth it. Iole, Daugher of Pelias
: How simple men are. As though I were a plant or an animal. Still, I thank you, you know. Ercole
: I'm telling you the truth. Don't thank me for it.
: I can't stand being superior. Let me experience the real things, love or hate. The Sybil
: Those are mortal states, Hercules. Ercole
: If it's my immortality making me unhappy, then I'll do without it. The Sybil
: That's dangerous, Hercules. Don't you know how foolish you'd be to renounce it? To be born a man and to see everything die is not to be immortal. Stay as you are. Be a god. Don't exchange immortality for fear, pain, and sorrow.
: Better get back to Iolcos. Iphitus, Son of Pelias
: No, I want to enjoy the spectacle. Ercole
: Go away. Iphitus, Son of Pelias
: I want to see you battling a lion, not throwing a discus around. Ercole
: Your tongue is faster than your sword.
: Why did Iphitus have to die? Answer me, Sybil. I cannot understand. I'm greatly confused. A man I could crush with one hand gives me an order. A woman humiliates me. The Sybil
: It is not you who is to blame, Hercules. Iphitus died simply because he was not meant to be king of Iolcos. Now the gods assign a new labor to you. They want you to go out and chance your fate against the Cretan Bull. Ercole
: Enough. I'm tired of doing all of these senseless things for the gods. When will I be worthy in the eyes of the gods? The Sybil
: The hour of your fate is nearing. Don't rebel against it.
: This kid's going to change our lives completely. Gabrielle
: Yeah. I'm gonna be more alert Xena. I'm worried about its safety. Xena
: We do seem to find our share of trouble... Hercules
: [Hercules suddenly enters with a stuffed hydra toy
] Yeah, like the big trouble you found when you forgot to tell an old friend of yours you were about to have a baby! Xena
: Hey old friend, did you hear that I'm about to have a baby? Hercules
: Well, then I would say congratulations are in order!
[he hugs Xena
: Good to see ya! Hercules
: Aw, it's good to see you!
: And you!
: Wasn't your hair a little bit longer last time I saw you? Gabrielle
: I was gonna ask you the same thing...
: Xena, I would die before I'd let anyone hurt your child!
: What is it? Hercules
: Six behind you. Xena
: And six behind you. Care to dance? Hercules
: Are you sure? Xena
: Sure I'm sure. Hercules
: Let's dance.
: The Underworld's a place for the dead. You give birth there, your child will be stillborn. Xena
: If it's a choice between your father and my child , I choose my child! Hercules
: Agreed, but let me talk to him first.
: Wait, wait, wait. Before anyone goes killing my father, at least let me go and see what this is about!
: From the moment Zeus and I created mortals, I've spent my time hating them for the infidelities he shared with them. But once I forgave him, I realized that humanity is the only creation I am truly proud of. Hercules
: Never thought I'd say this. I believe you. But how can I be sure you won't change your mind? Hera
: Because of the lesson I regret teaching you long ago, Hercules. Parents should never outlive their children.
: In spite of how I feel, I know that choosing to help me was a decision you made at the risk of losing your husband. And for that, I'm grateful.
: [sees She-Hulk
] By Jupiter, this jade vixen would make Venus herself green with envy!
: You've been bested by the best! Victory belongs to Hercules!
: You mustn't take life so seriously, Hulk. It's just a ride. Oh sure, it gets bumpy and frightening at times, but as long as you're on it, why not enjoy it? Hulk
: Because my friends have all been turned into statues!
: [his leg turned to stone
] Sweet Saturn's sickle! That was my favourite leg!
: You fight well, jade vixen! Perhaps you were an Amazon princess in a past life! She-Hulk
: No Amazon's got nothing on me!
: [eats a cheeseburger
] After fighting all those minotaurs, I kinda lost the appetite for beef. Skaar
: Skaar not care, Skaar eat anything! Hercules
: I like your attitude, Skaar!
: To Hercules! Hercules
: No, no. You're kind, but I do not deserve such a toast. Today we raise our cups to Hulk, the hero of the day!
: My father has paid with his life for the murder of your wife. I have given my people orders not to fight. If you still seek revenge, take my life. But spare my people, they are innocent. Hercules
: Your people need not be afraid of me. And I would not avenge myself on a defenseless woman; even if you are the daughter of a man who was my greatest enemy.
: I don't want to make war on Acalia. My only enemy is Eurysteus. I will allow him to defend himself. But if he possessed of too much cowardice, I will ask his people for the Trial of Themis.
: I am displeased at you having kept from your friend the fact of our forthcoming marriage. Well, now you know. Hercules
: Have you promised yourself to this man? Queen Deianira
: I have been vowed to Achellos in marriage. It was my father who wanted it. Hercules
: Your father committed many errors in his life. In my opinion, this one is the worst of them.
: Once you set eyes on her, you will abandon any intention of ever leaving. Hercules
: I cannot stay. My honor is at stake.
: Did you hope I'd be more beautiful? So it seems. You think that my face does not match my fame and you are disappointed. Hercules
: Whoever you may be, Hippolyta or Deianira, you are the woman I want.
: Oracle, you who see truth in shifting sand, in the moving tides of the sea, in the flight of birds across the sky, you to whom the stars reveal their secrets and the fates disclose their mysteries we mortals see only in our admonishing dreams. Tell me if the gods have been placated at last; if of their endless trials I shall have peace. The oracle
: Hercules, I see the ocean in madness. I see a raft dragged along and tossed in the wake of a mighty vessel. This vessel I see is the wrath of the gods you've brought upon yourself by killing the sacred serpent of the goddess Hera. Your whole life, Hercules, will be as this raft. Swept by wind and wave, tossed by the tempest. Hercules
: What more, oracle? What new sufferings must I endure?
: No matter how far you go, man cannot escape his fate. Who are you? Are you a murderer? Are you a mercenary who turns his back on the innocent? We believe in you! We have faith in you! Remember the deeds you have performed, the labors you have overcome! Are you only the legend, or are you truth behind the legend? Now, tell me, WHO ARE YOU? Hercules
: I AM HERCULES!
[a javelin comes at Amphiaraus
: My time...
[Hercules stops the javelin
: Do you mind? I was having a moment! Hercules
: You're welcome.
: You want forgiveness? Ask my family for forgiveness.
: Fucking centaurs!
: When the people called out your name louder than mine, you see, when they saw you as a god, how long... before they saw you as their king? Hercules
: I wanted nothing! King Eurystheus
: Precisely! Your sin, Hercules, was that you had no ambition! I can deal with an ambitious man! He can be bought! But a man who wants nothing has no price!
: In this moment, on this day, become the man you were born to be. You have it within yourself to write your own legend. Let it be to death, or Victory!
: Deianira, what's the matter with you? Don't you recognize me? Princess Deianira
: I recognize no one. We here do not even know ourselves.
: Can one fight against shadows? Can one fight against winds? Against bolts of lightning? Can one fight against terrible storms that ravage the Earth? Hercules
: The stormy winds, the bolts of lightning, are sent from Heaven by the gods. But evil is spawned here on Earth. So it is that I shall have to ask the gods to help me find a weapon to fight it.
: When I think of what has happened, happened because of me, I almost wish you'd left me here to die. Hercules
: You mustn't speak like this. If anybody's at fault, it's certainly not you. All this is brought about by a terrible destiny that hangs over me and over all those who are near me. Princess Deianira
: I don't care whatever fate may come your way. Hercules
: Without you, life does not exist.
: It's strange that you should talk to me this way. You, Hercules, who challenged the divine gods themselves for love of a woman. And I was there at your side. I'm amazed to have to defend my love against you. Hercules
: It's just this which rends my mission so painful.
: As long as Theseus steals other men's girls, I have nothing to worry about.
: [bursts into song
] Tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree...
: [as Zeus
] Your actual purpose is not as you believe to marry Labia, but to reveal your true homosexuality. Hercules
: Watch the next punch after this one, it won't even connect! See!
: Mmmm. Black undies!
: Who are you? Icarus
: No, the question is, who are you! Huh? Who are you? This young man came to you for a simple wish, and do you listen to him? No! You just grunt and play your stupid glockenspiel! Hercules
: Uh, Icarus, that's a lyre. Icarus
: No sir! That's a liar! A big, fat, forget-the-fans-who-made-him kind of liar! You claim to speak for the youth of today, but what do you really know about them? Don't answer that, because we all know it's bupkus! We're glad you're not playing our prom, and do you know why? Because you are not worhy of it! Good day, sir! I said good day! Hercules
: Icarus, what was that? Icarus
: Reverse psychology. Orpheus
: Wait. Icarus
: I must thank you, Hercules. Hercules
: Good, but we really should be... Orpheus
: No, seriously. I owe you one. You have saved me from me. Hades
: But can he save you from... me? Hercules and Orpheus, come on down!
: We have to do something. Icarus
: Easy for you to say. You only have to risk your life and rescue Orpheus from the Underworld. I have to stall the crowd 'till you get back!
: Thor, Hercules and Thor will directly after Thanos and the Power Stone. Hercules
: Aye, butts shall be kicked today! Thor
: Hah! The son of Odin shall not fail thee. Iron Man
: She-Hulk, you and I will focus on flirting and rescuing Nova. She-Hulk
: Hm, could be fun.
: By Odin's overflowing lunch-pail, we have made entry. Hulk
: Ugh, air smell like feet in here. Hercules
: That is your feet, gangrene.
: Should we be worried? Hercules
: I think not, asparagus-colored one. She-Hulk
: Then we should be worried.
: Are you out of your mind, no good has ever come from being honest!
: I think I can tell the difference between a woman and a monkey... most of the time.
: First the twister, now tomorrow morning they'll be a horse and a jackass missing. Young Iolaus
] But I'm only taking the horse. Young Hercules
: Yeah, I know.
: It took you two weeks to get here? I've seen faster turtles. Young Hercules
: Yeah, as they were passing you on the street, I'm sure! Young Iolaus
: Oh, I'm *laughing*. Young Jason
: [getting between them
] Hey, guys! Let's hit the track, huh?
: Make no mistake about it, Hercules. I despise them both. But if Dahok succeeds, I won't live to see the day that Zeus kneels before me! Hercules
: Yeah, well, it's good to have goals.
: [facing a pit he has to cross by stepping on the ends of narrow upright logs
] Who makes these things?
: Well, Iolaus, this is another fine mess you've gotten us into.
: What in Tartarus is that? Hercules
: It's some sort of cocoon. Iolaus
: What for? A giant butterfly? Hercules
: Somehow I don't think it's going to turn out to be that friendly.
[scream is heard offstage
: How come you're always right? Hercules
: It's a half-god thing.
: [facing group of thugs
] Okay, guys, look, we can do this the hard way or we can do this the easy way.
[pause as thugs prepare to attack him
: Nobody ever wants to do it the easy way.
: [fighting thugs
] I think I'm getting good at this! Hercules
: Well, practice makes perfect!
[he sees another thug coming
: And here comes more practice.
: Don't be such a sore loser, Hades! Hades
: Yeah, yeah, Styx and stones. Hey, maybe you should go check on that Hydra you neglected to finish off. I hear things are really FALLING APART up there, champ.
[Hercules has discovered that the Hydra has demolished the Coliseum
: [looking around
] I failed... Megara
: It's not your fault! Hercules
: I left everyone unprotected.
[slams the ground
: Hades was right. I'm just a... a washout. Philoctetes
: Aw, come on, champ! I didn't train you to think like that. Megara
: Wonderboy... Sora
: Phil's right. This is no time to beat yourself up. Hercules
: I'm some hero...
: Anyone hurt? Sentinel One
: Negative. The rockets were unmanned. But the odds against disaster like this were 863.257.147,02 to 1. Astraea
: You're saying this accident was no accident? Sentinel One
: Oh my gosh, what's going on? Hercules
: You just bought a one-way ticket to the moon. Come on! Mercury
: I'm with ya, brother!
: [about Iolaus
] He's strong of heart and hard of head.
[after Xena is dropped out of the sky and into the arms of Hercules
: Nice of you to drop in.
: I wish no involvement in the affairs of civilization. It was the war of another civilization that left me like this. Hercules
: You're obviously a man of great wisdom. Mercury
: Yeah, but unless you share it, it does noone any good.
: Hey Herc, how are you feeling? Hercules
: Like I just fell off the Empire State Building.
: You rookies still don't understand what it takes to be a true hero. Goofy
: So, what does it take? Hercules
: Well, that's just something you'll have to find out for yoursevles. Just the way that I did.
: I still can't believe that squirt actually beat Cerberus. Hercules
] Just between us, I'd already worn Cerberus down by the time the little guy jumped in. Phil
] My lips are sealed.
: This place is a Chinese puzzle! Mercury
: Don't look at me, I'm as lost as the rest of you.
: With our rocket-belts on the blink, what's the fastest way to Od? Teaser
: Oh, on horseback, naturally. The trick is to catch one of the winged ones.
: I must find a way to overcome the fire monster's radiant hate.
: Who art thou?
: [looking up to the sky
] ARE THERE NO MORE HEROES? Hercules
: Hey, you've got us.
: Mark my words ... Hercules
: [imitating Ares
] You'll pay for this, Hercules!
[Ares turns to Iolaus, tries to speak
: [imitating Ares
] We'll meet again, little brother!
[Ares turns to Hercules
: [imitating Ares
] You're on my list, Hercules!
[in his normal voice to Iolaus
: Did we forget anything?
[Iolaus shrugs. Ares sobs, and walks off dejected
: I'm ready to face you vile demon! But could you come out of the girl's bathroom first? Medusa
: Welhp! This just gets more and more humiliating.
: Hey Good eye! And you're only a hero in training? Hercules
: Oh oh oh! I'm so stupid! It was so obvious! How could I've been so dumb? You had my ID, you made me show you to school. You even pretended to be my friend. Medusa
: I wasn't pretending Hercules. I am your friend! Hercules
: I showed you everything! Where I train, all my moves. I showed you all my moves! Medusa
: Will you just be quiet for one second! Now why do you think I did all this? Hercules
: You did it so you could turn me to stone!
: Ares. Why do I get the feeling you're behind this? Ares
: Oh, I wish! The irony is delicious. You in the pokey, put here by the same boresome mortals you insist on protecting. I'm sorry, I just find that priceless.
: I have resisted the gods, because instead of helping us, they interfere with us. And I have bent the law when my heart tells me it's unjust, because justice is not about the letter of the law, but the spirit. And I do try to inspire others to be everything they are capable of being. If this is sedition, then I am guilty. Hercules
: But there is something more on trial here. The hero. A hero is a person who's not afraid to risk his life for another. And sometimes, like Kazankus, it means losing that life. It's what separates us from the animals and from the gods who would like us to believe we are less than we are. And that is why we all need heroes, to set a higher standard that others can aspire to. If I'm guilty of this, then I'm proud of it. If this is sedition, then I'm proud of that too and you might as well sentence me, because I won't stop trying to do what's right. My heart won't allow it. If this is wrong, take me now. Iolaus
: No, take me. I am Hercules. I think like him, I try to be like him. If you think what he's doing is wrong, you'll have to banish me too. Jason
: No, take me. I am Hercules.
[others chime in, claiming to be Hercules as well
: I am Hercules. Judge
: Don't say it! If we proceed, I shall have to banish myself, also. I am Hercules! Case dismissed.
: Don't worry, S-1, we'll watch our step. Hercules
: If there's anything around to step on.
: It must be moved clear off the Earth, immediately. Hercules
: That sound like my department.
: Sure you don't wanna go camping with us, Merc? Astraea
: You don't know what you're missing... Mercury
: Oh, I know just what I'd be missing: a soft bed, a hot shower, television...
: Let me go. There's so much of my life I have to make amends for. I've got to get started. Hercules
: I wish you'd let me help Xena
: You already have. You unchained my heart.
: My village lives in fear, in terror of a monster that lives in the forest. Hercules
: A monster? Iolaus
: We do monsters! Wait, it's not slimy though, is it? Hemnor
: No, it's not slimy, it's kind of ... a doe. Iolaus
: A deer? Hercules
: A female deer?
: [hears a noise, shoots into the bushes, Hercules comes out holding her arrow
] Oops. Hercules
: Shoot first and ask questions later? Serena
: It's my Ares training. Hercules
: Like I said, shoot first and ask questions later.
: [angry villagers are banging at the inn door; Hercules runs into the room where Iolaus is sleeping
] Iolaus! Wake up! Now! Iolaus
: Can't we talk about this tomorrow? Hercules
[he throws a bag in Iolaus' face
: We got trouble. Iolaus
: Good trouble? Hercules
: Bad trouble. Iolaus
: Little trouble? Hercules
: Big trouble.
: [When Cassandra explains to Hercules, Icarus and Adonis how they were turned into babies after being splashed with magic water from the Spring of Canathus
] Wow, I don't know what to say Cassandra except, please don't ever tell any one that you changed my diaper! Please I'll do your homework for a year, I'll carry your books for 25 miles!
: You sure this is gonna work, Herc? Hercules
: Is a pig pork? Of course it'll work!
: Zeus keeps trying to relive his past glories through me. Like I wanna be Zues 2.0, the sequel, you know?
: If I meet a girl with a firm leg, a full bosom and a warm heart, let no man try and stop me.
: [Herc and Merc, dressed in robes are riding a camel
] Oh! Ugh! Now I know why they call camels the... hm, ships of the desert. I'm getting seasick. Hercules
: It was your idea, Merc. Besides, think of poor Astraea, she's the camel. Astraea
: [turns her head
] And one of you wise guys has a lumpy wallet.
: What's with you? Hercules
: I'm no hero, Phil. I told a lie. Phil
: Whoah. Hercules
: *I lied*!
: It's strange. I haven't seen a wheel since I've been in your country. Do you know what a wheel is?
: Medusa and I have a connection that goes beyond physical appearance. Jason
: Does she know that?
: How much longer, Mo? M.O. the Maintenance Operator
: Keep your shirt on! Rome wasn't reprogrammed in a day, you know.
: Man, you were so ugly when you were possessed. Hercules
: I was? Iolaus
: Oh yeah. Horns, and all those things in your face, I mean, ugh! You don't do possession very well. Hercules
: Hey, you didn't look too hot when you were possessed, either. Iolaus
: Yeah, but I was dead!
: Whoever heard of a hero called Jason? Now Hercules, that's a name to father a legend.
: Hercules, you can stand there with that look on your face or you can sit down and enjoy the day with me. Hercules
: You are so stubborn! Alcmene
: Where do you think you get it from?
: Well, that's it. We go down in history as the guys that ticked off ALL the gods. Hercules
: If something is worth doing, it's worth doing well.
: Virgins. Gotta love 'em - and I mean that. Hercules
: Goody, now my day is complete. I thought you'd outgrown virgin sacrifices. Ares
: What can I say? I'm a child at heart. Truth is, I didn't ask for this. Mortals have been kind of irritable lately. I don't know what's gotten into them. But I'm not the kind to look a gift horse in the mouth. Hercules
: Come on. Like you didn't start all this trouble? Ares
: No, they're doing it all on their own. And I think they could go ALL THE WAY! I am so proud! Hercules
: Enjoy it while it lasts. I'm about to stop it. Ares
: Oh, that's new.
: What are you doing here? Hercules
: Looks like I'm saving your life. Thor
: Leave me alone! Hercules
: No, no, please don't bother to thank me. Just the sight of your cheerful face is all the reward I need. Thor
: These chains were forged by Odin himself. No god of Asgard can break them. Hercules
: Well, looks like a half-god from Greece can.
: You sure you guys were friends? Hercules
: The best! Iolaus II
: You sound like you drove each other crazy. Hercules
: That's what friends are for.
: Oh, there's nothing like a bit of exercise to get the old blood flowing. Hercules
: Speak for yourself. Iolaus
: Oh, come on, don't tell me you didn't enjoy it, Hercules. I saw that look on your face! Hercules
: Well, then you better remember it, because I'm not gonna wear it again.
Androclo, Re di Tebe
: Uranus... to rule over all! Ercole
: What you say is blasphemy!
: [Right after Salmoneus fell from the tree
] How'd you get up there, anyway? Salmoneus
: Some lunatic Cyclops kicked me in the rear and sent me flying.
: I was in bed and I went to sleep, next I'm waking up naked in an animal pen. Hercules
: Happens. Jason
: Not to me it doesn't. Pythagoras
: Never? Jason
: I'm so sleepy, I can't seem to keep awake!
: If you really wanted to end your life, there are easier ways to do it. Antigone
: But none as fun.
: [attempting to get out of a scheduling tight spot
] I could...lie... Philoctetes
: What? O.K., one word, kid: fagetaboutit! Hercules
: Why? Philoctetes
: Trust me, kid--you're a hero. You're no good at that.
: Don't you get tired of being right all the time? Hercules
: Uh - no.
: I shouldn't be doing this. A man of my talents shouldn't be scavenging for food. Pythagoras
: We're not scavenging, we're hunting.
: [walking away after first killing the hydra
] What was that thing? Hercules
: That's Ania, the day after you marry her.
: Aren't you going to stick around for the official announcement? Autolycus
: Oh, no. You haven't seen me cry. Believe me, it's not a pretty sight. Iolaus
: You're going to be okay, aren't you? Autolycus
: Oh, sure, eventually. All I have left right now is one shiny memory.
[Autolycus leaves; Hercules and Iolaus look at each other, then rush to where the Sapphire of Antioch is displayed. The jewel is gone
: One shiny blue memory! Iolaus
: Herc, wait. You know, things have gone so badly for him, why don't we let him keep it for a while? Hercules
: Yeah, you're right.
[they pause a few moments
: Okay, that's long enough!
[they rush after Autolycus
: These accursed ropes. They seem to be bewitched. The more I struggle, the tighter they get. Ulisse
: Then you had better stop struggling. Ercole
: Stop struggling? Have you gone mad? I am not going to let myself be eaten by a sacred vulture.
: Why am I stronger than other men? Why does my strength bring so many sorrows upon my head?
: Maybe you don't count so well. There's six of us and there's two of you. Hercules
: Good point. Iolaus, what do you think? Six to two? Iolaus
: Well, it's not really fair. Maybe we should let them go. Hercules
: You can go!
: [referring to a dragon
] Oh oh, here comes furnace breath again.
[Hercules is about to fight a scary looking opponent
: Are you sure about this? Hercules
: Him? He's a mouse. Jason
: They call him 'The Destroyer'. Hercules
: Of what? Butterflies?
: Get Nemesis first! I'll take my chances! Hercules
: I'd say your chances are close to zero. Iolaus
: Yeah? Well, it's better than nothing!
: Collapse like my shattered dreams!
[as he pulls down columns supporting a building