Quotes for
Garfield (Character)
from Garfield (2004)

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Garfield (2004)

[on seeing Odie bringing Jon's paper in for him]
Garfield: Oh, you little suck-up!

Liz: There's nothing wrong with Garfield. He's just a happy, fat, lazy cat.
Garfield: No need for a second opinion.

[Garfield shoves Odie off a chair]
Garfield: Down, dumb dog!

[Jon slips on a purple ball and nearly destroys everything in sight]
Garfield: There's my ball.

[Jon trips over a "spikey" ball while trying to catch a mouse]
Garfield: [not really caring] There's my ball...

Garfield: Once again, my life has been saved by the miracle of lasagna.

Garfield: I think this belongs to you.
[Garfield throws a pillow at Odie, Odie throws it back]
Garfield: Oh, that was a cheap shot.

Garfield: [Garfield is pigging out on flavor blasted Goldfish and then he burps] And that's a sign that the tank is full.

[first lines]
Garfield: I hate Mondays.

Garfield: Oh, Sleeping Beauty, wake up. You can stop dreaming about me now, because I'm herew. Now just wake up. You got work to do. You're not just my owner, you're my primary caregiver. Now be a...
Jon Arbuckle: Not now, Garfield.
Garfield: Trying to sleep it, huh? Trying to aviod your duties, eh? Well, that just ain't gonna fly! See, I've been doing my exercise. Just one quick CANNONBALL!
[jumps from TV and hits Jon in the stomach]
Garfield: Morning.
Jon Arbuckle: Garfield!

Garfield: All right, wise guy, I got another game for ya. It's called the "My Claw In Your Butt" game. Now let me out!

Garfield: Jon! Jon! Odie is on TV, and he's wearing lederhosen!

Garfield: Love me, feed me, never leave me.

Garfield: I think... I'm going to blow cat chow chunks.

Garfield: [to mouse after spitting him out] Have you tasted yourself lately?

Garfield: Not only are you my owner, but my primary caregiver.

Garfield: So much time, so little to do...

Jon Arbuckle: Garfield, did you eat all four boxes of lasagna?
Garfield: It wasn't my fault. They started it.

Garfield: Canines, felines, vermines, it's showtime.

Garfield: I love the smell of Cinnamon Apple in the morning. It smells like victory.

Jon Arbuckle: [a mouse runs by] A mouse! Get him Garfield.
Garfield: [looks at mouse then back at Jon] Get him Jon.

Garfield: Wait a minute. His last name is "Schnitzel"?

Garfield: [after seeing Jon baby talk Odie] Yeah, wish me luck with the nightmares.

Garfield: Ladies and gentlemen, Garfield has left the cul-de-sac!

---

Garfield in Disguise (1985) (TV)

[Lightning flashes when Garfield and Odie first see an old house]
Garfield: Nice touch!

Garfield: Candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy!

Garfield: The dead pirates got their treasure, and we got the candy, candy, candy!

Garfield: Halloween is my kind of holiday. It's not like those other stupid holidays. I don't get pine needles in my paws. There's no dumb bunny, no fireworks, no relatives. Just candy. Boom. You go out and you get candy. It's as simple as that.

Binky the Clown: Remember kids, if you don't exercise with Binky you are going to grow up to be worthless.
Garfield: I hate you Binky!

Jon Arbuckle: That's not funny Garfield.
Garfield: How about this then?
[Garfield makes a funny face]
Jon Arbuckle: Now that's funny. Why can't I stay angry with you Garfield?
Garfield: Because I'm a cat.

Jon Arbuckle: You're probably wondering what I'm doing with this pumpkin on my head.
Garfield: What? There's a pumpkin on your head? I hadn't noticed.

Garfield: Odie's so stupid he'd have to stand on a chair to raise his I.Q. He's ugly too. It would take two of him to get any uglier. He's so ugly, he wouldn't have to wear a mask to go trick or treating on Halloween.

Garfield: Arrr, it do be a land-lubber who be shovin' lasagna in his face. I declare this booty property of the queen.
[He takes his wooden sword and impales Jon's lasagna, and then eats it]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey! Who do you think you are?
Garfield: Arrr, I be Orange Beard the Pirate Cap'n an' this be me first mate Odie the Stupid.

Jon Arbuckle: You guys look ridiculous.
Garfield: Arr, I've killed men fer sayin' less than that, but I'll letcha live seein' as how yer the only man who'll change me kitty litter.

Garfield: Observe carefully Odie. I'll teach you some of the finer points of trick or treating.
[Garfield whams the door a few times with his wooden sword and a woman answers]
Garfield: Gimme!
Woman at Door: Oh, how cute! Here you go kids.
[She throws a couple pieces of candy into their sacks]
Garfield: Me thinks yer be a mighty stingy with yer candy Miss! If yer don't reconsider your contribution I'll give yer living room drapes a taste of me broadsword.
[She throws much more candy into their sacks]
Garfield: Thank you. A thousand blessin's upon yer home ma'am.

Garfield: Hey Odie old buddy, do you know what Halloween night is?
[Odie shakes his head side-to-side]
Garfield: Well take that stupid pumpkin off your head and I'll tell ya!
[Odie kicks the pumpkin off his head]
Garfield: That's a night when dogs have to help cats go out and get candy and if the dog does a good job, he gets a piece of candy of his verrry own!
[Odie excitedly begins to jump up and down]
Garfield: Well, do you wanna go boy? Huh? Huh? Wanna go out and get candy, huh? Huh, boy? Wanna go? Huh? Huh?
[Odie gets worked up into a frenzy]
Garfield: Okay! Let's go to the attic and find some costumes for tonight!
[Odie zooms off to the attic. Garfield then turns to the camra]
Garfield: Just between you and me, there're times I love that dog.

Old Man: What I am about to tell you has never been told to another living soul.
Garfield: Catchy beginning.

Garfield: Alright Odie, I'll kick down the door and you jump in and secure the place
[Garfield unsucesfully kicks the door and fails to open it that way]
Garfield: Ow!
[grabs his foot and jumps up and down]

[Garfield and Odie are in a rowboat, floating downriver]
Garfield: [to Odie] It appears we're caught up in the current, matey. Put out the oars.
[Odie knocks the oars off the boat]
Garfield: Hmm. I'd make him walk the plank if I had one.

[Garfield and Odie are stranded in the boat as it meanders downriver; Garfield is depressed]
Garfield: Some pirate captain I am. I can't even get a rowboat across the river. Now I'll probably float out to sea and never be heard from again. If I ever get back to shore, I'm gonna give up this pirate business. I'm gonna stop pretending to be something I'm not. I'm just gonna be me: Garfield the house cat. Poor me.
[Odie taps him on the shoulder, trying to get his attention]
Garfield: Leave me alone, Odie, I'm busy wallowing in self pity.

Garfield: [examining a bowl full of pumpkin seeds] Hmm. This stuff appears to be a bit of lasagne persuasion.
[He grabs a handful of the seeds and stuffs them in his mouth]
Jon Arbuckle: Since when did you like pumpkin innards?
Garfield: [gags; spits seeds out] PTOOEY! Since never! Blecch.

Jon Arbuckle: Been practicing for Halloween?
Garfield: Practicing? Practicing? Ha! I'll have you know Halloween's my middle name. Gar-Halloween-field.

---

Garfield in Paradise (1986) (TV)

Garfield: Whoever said "Getting there is half the fun" ought to be dragged out into the street and shot.

Jon Arbuckle: Why can't I get any respect, Garfield?
Garfield: When you travel you must pay for respect, my friend

[a stewardess meets Jon and Garfield boarding the plane]
Stewardess: [to Jon] Welcome to Inversion Layer Airlines, sir. What section are you traveling?
Jon Arbuckle: [mumbling; almost incoherent] Third class.
Stewardess: What section, sir?
Jon Arbuckle: [clears throat; whispering] Third class.
Stewardess: I can't hear you.
Jon Arbuckle: [shouting] Third class!
Stewardess: Oh.
[Suddenly angry]
Stewardess: Oh... You're seated the rear of the plane with the rest of the slime!
Jon Arbuckle: [dejected] Oh. Thank you.
[Jon and Garfield head down the aisle toward the back of the plane]
Jon Arbuckle: Why can't I get any respect, Garfield?
Garfield: When you travel, you must *pay* for respect, my friend.

Jon Arbuckle: Hello, Paradise World! Just smell that fresh air, Garfield.
Garfield: That's jet fuel, you dummy!
Jon Arbuckle: Well, the next item of business is to get our luggage.
[the boy's luggage is thrown out of the plane, landing next to Garfield]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey That's service for you!
Garfield: Jon, you'd look on the bright side of a train wreck! That was no service! That was assault and battery on our suitcases! I never should have packed my crystal mouse collection!

[Odie has stowed away in Jon's suitcase]
Garfield: Well, this is just ducky.
[Odie licks Garfield's face]
Garfield: One minute, I'm sitting happily at home minding my own business, next thing I know, I'm traveling third class with a fourth-class owner to a fifth-class motel to sleep with a sixth-class mutt.

Jon Arbuckle: This vacation isn't working out exactly the way I hoped it would.
Garfield: A masterfully understated observation, especially when you consider it's coming from a total idiot!

Jon Arbuckle: [Garfield comes floating by on the water] How do you do that, Garfield?
Garfield: Easy... fat floats.

[the boys decide to visit the local car rental shop]
Hotel Clerk: Yeeeeeeeess
Jon Arbuckle: You look familiar.
Hotel Clerk: I have a brother in the motel business.
Garfield: Racket is more like it!

Jon Arbuckle: I think you'll like flying, Garfield. It's a smooth, comfortable mode of travel.
[Garfield holds up an air-sickness bag]
Garfield: Then what are these little bags for? The Easter egg hunt?

Jon Arbuckle: Odie, you sly dog! You stowed away in my suitcase. What a happy surprise.
Garfield: You won't be so happy when you see what he did to your sports coat.

Jon Arbuckle: I had to dress you up as my son to get you on this flight. They don't allow pets on board.
Garfield: What am I, a piece of luggage?
[holds up his tail]
Garfield: What's this, a handle? If that's the way you feel about it, why didn't you just put a stamp on my face, cancel my bottom and mail me to Paradise World?

Jon Arbuckle: [singing] I love the beach!
Garfield: [singing] I love the beach!
Jon Arbuckle: I love the beach!
Garfield: I love the beach!
Jon Arbuckle: Beauty and the beaaaaaaaaaaaaaach!

Jon Arbuckle: Hey, wait a minute! We control our own destinies, don't we?
Odie: Hm?
Garfield: That's debatable.
Jon Arbuckle: This is an island, right? There has to be some beach out there somewhere, right? We'll rent a car and drive until we find some fun in the sun. Right, guys?
Garfield: Rrright!
Odie: Right!
Jon Arbuckle: Then let's do it!
[he jumps on the diving board, but it snaps off, and he falls into the empty pool]
Garfield: Right! We'll do it right after his bones knit!

Jon Arbuckle: [as he and Garfield watch Owooda and Mai-Tai walk toward the volcano] I can't believe she's doing this!
Garfield: Well, better her than us.

---

Garfield: His 9 Lives (1988) (TV)

Garfield: I like to think I'll live forever, but I'm only human.

Garfield's Mom: [to the cook] You can't take him away!
Garfield: Aw come on Mom, I'm a big boy, I'm five minutes old.

Garfield: To this day, every time I look at a test tube, I throw up.

Garfield: My third life was my favorite, my body grew old, but I never, never, never grew up.

Garfield: I learned to think on my feet in my fourth life, thinking was allright I guess, but now I avoid it as much as possible.

Garfield: [as Cave Cat] Who Big Bob?
Caveman: Big Bob big! Big Bob bad! Big Bob go
[stomping]
Caveman: whoop whoop whoop!

Garfield: [about Odie] That's not a dog! That's a tongue with eyeballs!

Garfield: Where are we?
Garfield's Mom: We're in the kitchen of an Italian restaurant.
Garfield: Are Italians good to eat?

Garfield: Garfield the newborn kitten is getting ready to rub up against his first leg. On my mark, get set, rub up!

Garfield: My survival sounds like a job for O. D. I. E., my Operations Data Index Element. It's the smartest machine in the galaxy.

Garfield: 2,000 BC was a good year to be a cat in Egypt. We were revered, even worshipped. Ah, for the good ole days...

Garfield: Six must be my lucky number, because that was the life when I fell in love with music. I also fell in love with the girl who played the piano just for me.

Garfield: All that I ever was made me what I am in my eighth life. Somehow, it's fallen short of my expectations.

---

Garfield's Thanksgiving (1989) (TV)

Garfield: [sees his vet appointment written on the Wednesday page of the calendar and tears it off] Here Odie! Wednesdays are good for dogs!
[shoves the page in Odie's mouth]

Garfield: Gee, I've been on this diet only ten minutes and I've already lost something, my sense of humor.

Jon Arbuckle: We're here for a checkup.
Garfield: Check-OUT, Jon, we're only here so you can check out the vet.

Dr. Liz Wilson: The good news is your cat is as healthy as a horse.
Garfield: Listen to her Jon.
Dr. Liz Wilson: The bad news is that he's also as big as one, he'll have to go on a diet.
Garfield: Quack! She's a quack!

Garfield: [describing Thanksgiving] It's the day people celebrate food by eating as much of it as possible. They try to eat every turkey, pumpkin and cranberry in the world.

Garfield: Yum, yum. Turkey on a stick.

Grandma: And now, for the piece de resistance - pumpkin pie!
Garfield: Skip the piece of resistance, just gimme a piece of pie!

Garfield: [chanting] Deep fat fry! Deep fat fry! Music to my ears!

Garfield: Oh, woe is me. I've been put on a diet, and I'm gonna die.

Garfield: Pancakes, pancakes the size of Australia, and coffee, yes coffee, we wouldn't be the great nation we are without coffee. So do your patriotic duty, Jon Arbuckle, and make me breakfast.

Jon Arbuckle: Garfield, I need help.
Garfield: [laughs] Understatement of the year.

Dr. Liz Wilson: While I'm here I better check you for vitamin deficiencies. I don't want you to become anemic.
Garfield: Don't forget berry berry, rickets and scurvy, Doc.

Jon Arbuckle: Thanks for telling me I wasn't wearing any pants, Garfield.
Garfield: Oh sure, blame it on the cat.

---

A Garfield Christmas Special (1987) (TV)

Jon Arbuckle: Now, behave yourself this Christmas, Garfield.
Garfield: No problem. I'll wait in the car.

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield, how about something to eat?
Garfield: [filled with table scraps] No thanks, Jon, I've opted to watch my waist line this holiday season.

Garfield: All right, you guys, just permit me one sentimental moment here. I have something to say: Christmas. It's not the giving, it's not the getting, it's the loving. There, I said it. Now get out of here.

Jon Arbuckle: Garfield, I have a very important job for you. It's a dangerous job, but if you succeed, you'll be a hero.
Garfield: A hero! I like that.
Jon Arbuckle: I want you to take this star up the tree and put it on the top.
Garfield: Climbing trees is my life, sir. If I'm not back in an hour, send a banana cream pie after me.

Garfield: Whoever invented Christmas trees should be dragged out into the street and shot.

Garfield: Never send a man to do a cat's job.

Jon Arbuckle: I remember when my brother Doc Boy and I were little...
Garfield: Oh brother. Here we go.
Jon Arbuckle: [singing] Dad would chop down the tree.
Garfield: Chores.
Jon Arbuckle: Mom would fix us a meal.
Garfield: Work.
Jon Arbuckle: Doc Boy would get in the way.
Garfield: Fighting. Big fat hairry deal.
Jon Arbuckle: Decorating the tree.
Garfield: Gardening.
Jon Arbuckle: Wiring all of the lights.
Garfield: Electrical contracting.
Jon Arbuckle: Wrapping boxes and writing out cards.
Garfield: Office work. Out of sight.

Garfield: Hello,what's this? Why it's sausage gravy!
[Garfield licks some gravy off his paw.His face turns red from the chilli powder that Grandma had put in the gravy earlier.Garfield's ears smoke and he spits out fire]
Garfield: Perfect!

Jon Arbuckle: We're almost back on the farm now, boys. I can almost smell Mom's chesnut dressing baking in the oven right now.
Garfield: That's not what I smell.

Jon Arbuckle: [singing] Then we'd take those presents / And pile them under the tree / We'd barely get a wink of sleep / Wondering what they could be.
Garfield: [singing] The special gifts of Christmas.
Jon Arbuckle: Christmas.
Garfield: That really make it great.
Jon Arbuckle: It's so great.
Garfield: Are the insomnia and the anxiety... Kids get from having to wait.
Jon Arbuckle: Can't wait 'til Christmas / There's so much to do / Can't wait 'til Christmas...
Garfield: Wake me when it's through.

Jon Arbuckle: Grandma, you remember Garfield, don't you?
Grandma: Well I'll be. I remember back when all we had were wood-burning cats. What will they think of next?
Garfield: Bizarre.

Garfield: [about Jon's parents' farm] Attentive service. Excellent cuisine. However the decor leaves something to be desired. I give this place two stars.

---

Garfield Gets a Life (1991) (TV)

Garfield: [at the video store] Let's rent Old Yeller. I like a movie with a happy ending.

Lorenzo: Our motto is, "If you can get a pulse, you can get a life".
Garfield: [to Jon] Ah, maybe they'll take you anyway.

Video store clerk: Will you be renting that video, sir?
Garfield: No, he'll be eating it here.

Jon Arbuckle: Boy, you learn a dance and then zango, 14 years later, they change it.
Garfield: Go figure.

Jon Arbuckle: Garfield, did you know the living room ceiling has 144 tiles?
Garfield: The living room has 214.
Jon Arbuckle: I'm bored.
Garfield: Why don't you organize your sock drawer?
Jon Arbuckle: I'd organize my sock drawer but I already did it last night.
Garfield: I'll be the judge of that.
[opens the drawer and finds the socks organized]
Garfield: Whoa, I'm impressed.

Jon Arbuckle: There's more to life than just socks.
Garfield: There's underwear.

Jon Arbuckle: Excuse me ma'ma, I couldn't help notice your frilly little pink... uh tutu thing there, are you a ballerina?
Woman at laundromat: Why yes I am.
[Garfield holds up Jon's boxers]
Woman at laundromat: And I couldn't help noticing your teddy bear boxers. Are you a dweeb?
Garfield: Why yes he is.

Garfield: [at the video store] Can we get "Old Yeller"? I just love movies with happy endings.

Garfield: Hey, Monsieur Dumb Guy, remember me? What an I chopped liver? Duck pate? Foie-gras?

---

Garfield in the Rough (1984) (TV)

Garfield: What do you hear about the panther who
[Billy and Dicky dive into a hiding place]
Garfield: who's, loose in the area, did I say something to offend you guys?
Billy Rabbit: [they pop up] No my friend, but quite frankly, the panther is terrorizing all of us.
Garfield: What's so scary about a panther?
Dicky Beaver: It's 10 times our size, it's as black as midnight, and it's evil yellow eyes stare right into your soul. I was in the lake last night, and I saw it on the shore, what it did to a friend of mine is too ghastly to repeat. And then, it pulled itself up to its full height, and stared right at me, looked right through me, with those eyes, those eyes, as if I were next.
Billy Rabbit: Don't worry old timer, soon the panther will be gone and we'll be back to business as usual.
Dicky Beaver: I hope you're right, Billy, I hope you're right.
Garfield: Have you seen it too, Billy?
Billy Rabbit: No I haven't, Dicky is the only one who's seen it and lived to tell about it.
Garfield: Hey, it could still be around here somewhere!

[afraid of wild animals]
Garfield: They're gonna come here, and they're gonna eat me, and I'm gonna die, and that could really hurt my bowling average.

Garfield: If we don't get out of here, were gonna be dead. And if that happens, heaven forbid, I'm never gonna speak to you again.

[Garfield's neighborhood is all in black and white. A caption at the bottom of the screen reads, "Please do not adjust your set. All the color has temporarily gone out of Garfield's life." Later, Garfield wakes up somberly in his box-like bed]
Garfield: Ho hum. Double ho... hum. Heck with it. Let's shoot the works, TRIPLE ho hum.
[Garfield stands up]
Garfield: Here I am waking up in the same old bed... facing the same old morning routine...
[Garfield yawns, then stretches. His bones crack causing him to freeze]
Garfield: Stuck in the same old stretch.
[Garfield tiptoes out of his bed and towards his food dish. He stretches again making him able to move. He looks at his dish]
Garfield: Ho hum. The same old food.
[Garfield looks at us]
Garfield: Have you ever had a day when you feel like you've slept and eaten it all? All the color has gone out of my life.
[Garfield walks away from his dish and into the kitchen. On a counter, he find's his owner, who frowns as he rests his elbow on the counter and holds his hand over his cheek]
Garfield: Good morning, Jon.
[Garfield pats Jon on the shoulder. Jon's face falls flat on the counter]
Jon Arbuckle: [muffled] Good morning, Garfield. Garfield?
Garfield: Yes, Jon?
Jon Arbuckle: [muffled] All the color has gone out of our lives.
Garfield: So I've noticed.
Jon Arbuckle: [muffled] Let's take a vacation.
Garfield: [gasps with excitement] Vacation?
[Garfield rushes to a window shade]
Garfield: Rest and relaxation.
[Garfield rolls up the shade and the screen fades from black and white to color. A title appears, "Garfield in the Rough"]

Jon Arbuckle: Where's the bacon I packed?
Garfield: I ate it.
Jon Arbuckle: Where're the biscuits?
Garfield: I ate them.
Jon Arbuckle: Where're the eggs?
Garfield: Don't look at me, Charlie, that egg sucking dog of yours got to them first.
Jon Arbuckle: Where's our food?
Garfield: It was declared a midnight snack.

Garfield: I'd love to go camping with you, but I have to stay home and pluck my nose hairs.

Garfield: [Garfield finds out Odie's going camping] Odie's going? Forget it, I'd rather be declawed than go camping.

Jon Arbuckle: [singing] We're going camping, oh boy, oh boy, we're going camping, sleep in a tent, not pay no rent, oh boy, oh boy...
Garfield: [deadpan] We're going camping, whoop-de-doo, ha ha, whee, clap, pause, glow with glee. I'm so excited I could just barf.

---

Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties (2006)

[from trailer]
Garfield: [to Odie] Time to grab some chow before I eat your liver,
[in a 'Hannibal Lecter'ish voice]
Garfield: with some fava beans a nice Chianti.

Jon Arbuckle: Garfield, you have food, water and company.
Garfield: [points at Odi] Which one is he?

Garfield: [Garfield and Odie running from British soldier] The British are coming! The British are coming! Well, you made him crack, anyway.

Winston: [End scene, in pool] Great party, sire!
Garfield: Yep. When the going gets tough, the great ones party.

Garfield: [blows a stinker in Winston's face]
Winston: Well struck, sire! Nice chord! Strong finish!

Jon Arbuckle: Garfield's never stayed in a kennel before, so I'm afriad he might have some separation anxiety.
Veterinary Assistant: [assuring] No. He's probably fast asleep in his cage by now.
[in the cage room, Garfield is striking the cage door]
Garfield: [very loudly] YOU HEAR ME WARDEN? I HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT!
[strikes the cage door again]
Garfield: ANYTHING I SAY CAN AND WILL BE HELD AGAINST ME IN A COURT OF LAW!
[shakes the cage door]
Garfield: AND I HAVE THE RIGHT TO AN ATTORNEY TOO, PAL!
[stomps the floor of the cage]
Garfield: AND IF I GET A FOREMAN, IT MUST BE PROVIDED FOR ME BY THE COURT!
[Garfield shakes the cage door very hard, causing it to swing open with him on it]
Garfield: NEVER MIND!
[Garfield lets go of the cage door and falls to the floor]
Garfield: I just broke out!

Garfield: [jumps onto a table] Hmm, we gotta put an end to this torture.
[meaning the soft music]
Garfield: Time for a new DJ.
[switches the track to a loud fast-paced song]

Liz Wilson: [to Jon] Don't let Odie out of your sight they might deport him.
Garfield: [very interested] *Deport* Odie? I like this country already!
[the table tips over and the bag and Garfield fall onto the floor]
Garfield: [getting up] OK, I'm gonna need a litterbox, a Room Service manual and the TV remote and, in that order. If anyone needs me, I'll be in my office.
[walks towards the bathroom]

---

Here Comes Garfield (1982) (TV)

Garfield: [after rudely waking Jon up] Good morning sunshine. Welcome to another fun-filled day with your favorite pet.

Garfield: So this is what it feels like to be potato salad.

Garfield: [playing with the food] No sweat, sarge, I'll take that machine gun nest out with my trust bazooka here!
[switch]
Garfield: So this is what it feels like to be potato salad, yuck!
[switch]
Garfield: Rhett, Rhett, whatever shall I do? Wherever shall I go?
[switch]
Garfield: Take me to your leader, earthling, or I'll atomize your face, heh heh!

Garfield: [Odie barks and scares Garfield] Good morning, Odie, you're not going to live long enough to see your next birthday, you know that don't you?

Jon Arbuckle: Hungry, Garfield?
Garfield: You guessed it, Buster.

Garfield: Show me a good mouser, and I'll show you a cat with bad breath.

Jon Arbuckle: Where's Odie? He didn't come back with you?
Garfield: [does a complicated pantomime explaining that Odie was taken to the pound]
Jon Arbuckle: You got fleas or something?
Garfield: [grabs Jon's face] What we have here is a failure to communicate.

Garfield: I'm bored. Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored. I'm bored... that's it! I'm going down to the City Pound, and I'm gonna break Odie outta there! Look out, Pound, here comes Garfield!

---

Garfield Goes Hollywood (1987) (TV)

Garfield: There was a dog that was so ugly, cars used to chase him!

Jon Arbuckle: [Garfield stayed behind with a goldfish who's a rival on Pet Search] Where were you, Garfield?
Garfield: Eliminating some of the competition.

Jon Arbuckle: [after seeing a group of chickens perform] Those chickens are fantastic.
Garfield: Yes they are, we must have them over for dinner sometime.

[about to destroy John's guitar]
Garfield: [to Odie] It's a dirty job. But someone's got to do it.

Garfield: Hello,folks, how do you do? Garfield here to entertain you.
[brief moment of silence]
Garfield: Thank you for that large round of indifference.

Jon Arbuckle: OK, are we going out there tonight?
Garfield: Maybe!
Jon Arbuckle: Are we gonna get the performance of our lives?
Garfield: Doubt it!
Jon Arbuckle: Are we gonna win?
Garfield: Not a chance!
Jon Arbuckle: All right, let's DO it!
Odie: [barks]
Garfield: Let's not, and say we did!

Jon Arbuckle: I think we have it wrapped up, guys. I haven't seen any competition so far, and there's only one act *after* us!
Odie: [barks]
Garfield: They're lucky it'll probably be a dog who plays five instruments at the same time.

---

Garfield's Feline Fantasies (1990) (TV)

Jon Arbuckle: Garfield, what are you doing?
Garfield: I'm not sure anymore!

Garfield: [as a cowboy, facing Odie in a shootout] One last whimper, one last prayer, gee... I hope he put on clean underwear.

Garfield: You know why I'm here.
Fat Man: Yes I do.
Garfield: And what I'm here for.
Fat Man: Yes I do.
Garfield: And what I'm going to do with it.
Fat Man: Yes I do.
Garfield: Then would you mind refreshing my memory?

Garfield: [as a pilot speaking to the passengers] The in-flight movie is "Vertigo" and if you think that's in poor taste, wait till you try the food.

Garfield: [as a cowboy, describing himself] There was Jesse James and Billy the Kid, but this cat's done worse things than they ever did.

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Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue (1990) (TV)

Gordon 'ALF' Shumway: [after emerging from a picture frame on Corey's dresser after her piggy bank is stolen] You wanna help track down the thief, Garfield?
Garfield: [Garfield is a lamp] Hey, going through life with a blue lampshade is work enough. Wake me when the lasagna comes.
Gordon 'ALF' Shumway: [yanks the lamp attachment off of Garfield] Let me rephrase that: do you wanna help, or do you wanna be lunch?
Garfield: [salutes and climbs off the dresser] My luck to be stuck on a dresser with a pushy alien.

Gordon 'ALF' Shumway: The sound of a breaking piggy... if ever I've heard one.
Garfield: Two sounds you can't miss: The sound of a breaking piggy, and the sizzle of hot lasagna.

Simon: I don't like the looks of this.
Garfield: Neither do I. No food in sight.

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Garfield's Babes and Bullets (1989) (TV)

Garfield: [voiceover] My first stop was the city morgue. As I walked up the stairs I saw my old adversary at the top of the steps. It was Lt. Washington.
Lt. Washington: Shpayed, what brings you down here? Trying to find a client?
Garfield: Sure, lieutenant. He's the one your blue-boys shot out back for jaywalking.
Lt. Washington: Watch it, Shpayed. I've still got your license under investigation.
Garfield: Oh, really? Then I know its safe for a while.
Lt. Washington: Shpayed, don't push me!
Garfield: Wouldn't dream of it, lieutenant. Have a nishe day.

Tanya: Are you spayed?
Garfield: [sighs] I never know how to answer that question.

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"Garfield and Friends: Magic Mutt/U.S. Acres: Short Story/Monday Misery (#1.10)" (1988)

[at the end of the intro]
Garfield: Hey, Heathcliff. Eat your heart out.

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"Garfield and Friends: Skyway Robbery/U.S. Acres: The Bunny Rabbits Is Coming!/Close Encounters of the Garfield Kind (#3.1)" (1990)

Garfield: [to the camera, as Al Swindler's dilapidated plane goes down, and after Swindler has bailed out] Kids, check your TV listings! Make sure this isn't the last episode!

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"Garfield and Friends: The Cartoon Cat Conspiracy/The Picnic Panic/Ghost of a Chance! (#5.15)" (1992)

Jon: [about the policeman] He didn't believe me.
Garfield: I wouldn't believe a man with cowboys and horsies on his pajamas either.

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