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: You know, you're cleverer than you look. Q
: Still, better than looking cleverer than you are.
: I wish I could make you vanish.
: You must be joking. Q
: As I learned from my predecessor, Bond, I never joke about my work.
: Check the tape. You'll find he's dead and she only has a flesh wound. Q
: There's always an excuse, isn't there, Double-O-Zero?
: Give me the old fashioned target range, Quartermaster. Q
: Yes, well, it's called the future, so get used to it.
[Q and Bond enter Q's office as Bond looks around at the vast array of devices left over from previous cases
] James Bond
: So, this is where they keep the old relics, then, eh? Q
: I'll have you know our TOP cutting-edge technology is designed here. James Bond
: [releasing the knife from the briefcase used in the From Russia With Love affair and fingering a blade
] Point taken... Q
: Must you touch everything? James Bond
: [seeing his Thunderball jet pack
] Hey, does this still work?
[James activates the jet pack, and Q struggles to subdue it
: Now look... James Bond
: [holding up the knife-studded shoe worn by Rosa Klebb years ago
] So where is this cutting-edge stuff? Q
: I'm trying to get to it.
: [Moneypenny is typing a disinformative newspaper report in her office, when 007 walks in
] James! James Bond
[Bond and Moneypenny embrace and kiss. Bond lays Moneypenny out on her desk
] Miss Moneypenny
: Oh, James...
[Continue kissing, when all of a sudden...
: [walking in
[Moneypenny sits up abruptly and removes a pair of virtual reality simulation centre glasses
] Miss Moneypenny
: Um... I was... um... just testing it out.
[She blushes and buttons her blouse
: Oh, it's rather hard, isn't it? Miss Moneypenny
: Yes... very...
: [Explaining the Aston Martin
] ... Your new transportation
[nothing visible on the platform
] James Bond
: I think you've been down here too long...
: [after a virtual reality shootout exercise
] A perfect marksman isn't really supposed to shoot his own boss. James Bond
: Check the replay. You'll find he's dead and she's only got a flesh wound. Q
: There's always an excuse, isn't there, 00-zero.
: Now, a new watch. This should be your 20th, I believe. James Bond
: How time flies. Q
: Yes, well 007, why don't you establish a record by actually returning this one.
: [Explaining to Bond his new "adaptive camouflage" Aston Martin
] To the casual eye, it's as good as invisible. Plus all the usual refinements: eject seat torpedoes, target seeking shotguns to shoot down mobile objects.
: Oh, grow up, double-O Seven!
: You're not retiring anytime soon - are you? Q
: Now, pay attention 007. I've always tried to teach you two things. First, never let them see you bleed. James Bond
: And the second? Q
: Always have an escape plan.
: I suppose we all have to pay the piper sometime. Right, Q? Q
: Oh, pipe down, 007! James Bond
: Was it something I said? Q
: No, something you destroyed. My fishing boat! For my retirement, away from you!
: As I was saying, the very latest in interception countermeasures. Titanium armor. A multi-tasking heads up display. And six beverage cup holders. All in all, rather stocked. Q
: Fully loaded. I think is the term. R
: I think... Q
: You're not here to think. You're here to do what I tell you.
[after Q introduces Bond to his successor
] James Bond
: If you're Q, does that make him R? R
: Ah yes, the legendary 007 wit, or at least half of it.
: [Secretly turns off the live infrared camera images of Bond in bed with Christmas Jones, while others in the room are surprised when the screen goes dark
] It must be a premature form of the millennium bug.
: Ah, 007, we have some new equipment for you. Have you met my new assistant, Miss Nagai? Bond, James
: I don't believe I've had the pleasure. Q
: And you won't if I have any say in the matter.
: Now, 007, do try to return this equipment in pristine condition. Bond, James
: I'll do my best. Q
: That's what I was afraid of.
: [Bond escapes Peru on aboard an aeroplane
] Congratulations 007. You saved the girl and destroyed most of my equipment. I hope you're happy 007? Bond, James
: Better than saving the equipment and losing the girl, don't you agree? Q
] Oh, 007 I give up!
: Time is short 007. We only had time to upgrade your grenades. Bond, James
: [Miss Nagai hands him a coin, which is a grenade
] More change, Q? Miss Nagai
: This grenade sends out an eletric magnetic pluse, destroying any eletronic device near the blast. Bond, James
: [throws the coin near some monitors and detonates the grenade, destroying the monitors
] A Stunning development. Q
] Oh, grow up.
: [after reaching the plane
] Congradulations 007. You saved the girl and destroyed most of my equipment. Bond, James
: That's better than saving the equipment and losing the girl, don't you agree? Q
: [Slightly annoyed
] Oh, 007 I give up.
: Oh, please, you call that driving? Q could drive better than that, and he's dead! I could drive better than that with a flesh wound in my hand!